Ok, I admit it, I guess I must be trams. I'm gonna have to transition
I feel so sad but I guess I just need to accept it, I wish I could just carry on living as a guy but I guess that it isn't meant to be :(
I'm gonna miss my family, particularly my godson, I know that they won't accept me as a transsexual.
Honestly sweetie, people will surprise you.
They know you. They know who you are. What you like. How you act. You're still the same person, albeit transitioning to a happier state of existence.
If they can't accept it ... well so what? You aren't transitioning for them. You are transitioning for you.
I'm sorry you feel that its a bad thing, but being trans* is NOTHING to be embarrassed about; nothing to frighten you, or nothing to view negatively.
Sure its a long hard road, but its a road from being unhappy to happy, uncomfortable in your body to acceptance.
Quote from: Bexi on February 10, 2013, 04:31:01 PM
Honestly sweetie, people will surprise you.
They know you. They know who you are. What you like. How you act. You're still the same person, albeit transitioning to a happier state of existence.
If they can't accept it ... well so what? You aren't transitioning for them. You are transitioning for you.
I'm sorry you feel that its a bad thing, but being trans* is NOTHING to be embarrassed about; nothing to frighten you, or nothing to view negatively.
Sure its a long hard road, but its a road from being unhappy to happy, uncomfortable in your body to acceptance.
Wise words. I know I struggled with coming out to myself in the first place, and my family has been a nightmare so far, but they're always a nightmare. Family support is nice, but there is no one's happiness you need to take care of right now more than your own. If my experience so far is any indication of things, the way you're living right now is no way to live. You absolutely need a gender therapist ASAP. You will be okay, just hang in there.
I just wish that I could stay as a boy :(
I spoke to my mum on the phone today, I don't want to lose her, I just want to be mummy' s little boy :(
I could barely speak on the phone :(
Omg, my life sucks =(
But I like my body, do I have to femme up?
Tbh, being trans has ruined my life :( I was much happier before, I had accepted being gay and I was comfortable in my skin then I started to be scared that I was trans then it all went downhill and I have no one I can talk to this about, I know my family won't be supportive so I am gonna be all alone and broke and I'm gonna have to become a woman fml, I wish I could just stay as a guy :(
I feel like you decided this rather quickly... You should probably try to talk to a therapist before doing anything crazy. Please?
I've always considered transitioning as something a trans individual would want to do, rather than need to. It's not compulsory, and you shouldn't feel pressured into doing something that would be uncomfortable for you!
Personally, I have considered not transitioning to be a worse outcome than potentially losing support from the few loved ones I have. The level of dysphoria varies from person to person, but one important thing to know is that you will want to be sure that this is what you want before stepping into it.
That being said: if you are unsure about your gender identity and your need to transition, finding a gender counselor to discuss this with is a great first step. Also, keep in mind that trans* is just a label! This whole process is simply a means to become yourself. ^^
You "know"? You know, many (most?) people are surprisingly very accepting. Most will need time to accept and understand fully, but if you do things properly, don't worry about literally losing your family. Besides, if you were to be one of the most unlucky ones who get rejected, worrying about it probably won't help, eh? Keeping lovers is no guarantee at all with the whole issue of sexual orientation, but the vast majority of people at least don't lose -everyone-. Families aren't cemented blocks. People differ. My best friend's dad is being a huge jerk about it (like most things), and her brother is having a lot of trouble dealing with it, but she still has her mother.
You might lose one or two people, but losing -everyone-, I never heard of that, except once, in a family of religious maniacs who would not be "tainted" by reason. And you don't necessarily lose whoever you lose forever.
"I know they won't accept." I think it's been said at least 3 times as often as it actually happened. If you think it'll be difficult, then it's just an indication to do things with a lot of care, explanation and support.
Often, people "lose" family members, not quite because their family member absolutely doesn't accept and shuns them, but because of their own attitude. There was a story a few months ago about a transsexual teenage girl who was always screaming and fighting with her father, insulting him and demanding that he accept it. Whilst it's true it's not our fault, it's still a "blow" we're giving everyone, and just like with most such blows, things need to be done, and they don't include insults.
It shouldn't be, but since the world is imperfect, I think it's the trans person's responsibility to make efforts to help people understand and accept, to some degree. And I think if you fulfill that responsibility, you reduce the risks by a lot. Most people, once they understand it's an "illness" that isn't your fault, and that transition is the only way for you to keep living healthily, wouldn't shun you.
I'd like to give you an example of a similar situation. If a father is homophobic and makes awful comments all the time, and despite that, his homosexual child gathers the courage to come out, the father needs to be an awful person to begin with to shun his child like that. I think a large portion of fathers in that situation, maybe even a majority, would have trouble accepting it, and would gradually change their ideas. The father, enlightened like that, may even become an "ambassador" who'll educate his fellow homophobic and have a positive impact. Like my mother gradually started doing after understanding things more.
If it helps, here are the main issues I think might arise:
-They understand you're a transsexual and it's not your fault, but they don't get why it's that bad. They're going to compare it to simple body complexes, and think you should just deal with it. Solution: Explaining how bad it feels, and how it just cannot be mostly solved by working on acceptance and self-confidence like someone who doesn't like their appearance.
-They think you've been lying to them and feel betrayed. They also wonder why now, since you were fine, from their point of view, for all these years. They might also think you're selfish Solution: Explaining how you feel, simply, and how you really need to do it, and would much rather not to, because you know it's hard for them.
-They think you're mistaken or are making this up. Whether their alleged cause is homosexuality, demons, deviance from God, sexual fetishism or anything else, this means they just don't understand it as a whole. Solution: This is the most straightforward one. Education. Show them well vulgarized, serious, scientific material, such as texts and documentaries, as well as testimonies from both transsexuals and people close to transsexuals. They may choose to deny the facts, but if solid evidence doesn't suffice, nothing will, and they can be labelled as annoyingly stubborn. If they talk to whatever competent professional is evaluating you, also, it should be possible to dissipate thoughts of "I understand this problem, but it's not him".
-They say you will always be a son/father/whatever to them. This, like in mourning for the dead, is probably the denial phase, especially strong for them. They might need to be helped to move on to acceptance. Solution: Asking them why they feel that way and having a heart-to-heart conversation might help. Them seeing a therapist might help a lot too, even if they might be hard to convince, since in their mind, you're the problem, and they shouldn't have anything to do. Then bringing them with you to your own therapist would be an alternative. Without being confronted, they need to come to understand that this is a fact, not something they have control on, and that deciding to deny it is only bringing negativity, like hating the Earth because it spins.
Don't worry too much. For now, concentrate on accepting it yourself. Once you yourself are rid of the issues above and the others I've probably forgotten, you can start thinking about doing the convincing. You yourself need to come to terms with the fact it can't be changed, and go from there.
And yeah, I'm going to agree with the others. Make sure you're evaluated by a competent professional. The apparently contradictory things you say call for investigation and help. Being transsexual is pretty much defined as feeling like the other gender and wanting to be it, right? How What you're saying sounds like "I like ice cream, but I dislike it."
And I'm going to repeat what Alice-blossom said: transitioning is something you should do if you want to; it's by no means an obligation. "Why should I transition?", "Why should I not transition?"... Take these questions and balance your options.
If you have milder dysphoria you are able to deal with, and if transition would bring you more pain than good, well, no one's forcing you to do it. And there are always in-between solutions to make you feel better without impacting your life that might work.
You can be trans and not transition. Physically transitioning is a decision you'll have to make about whether it is beneficial to you. People physically transition because their body dysphoria deems to necessary and they accept and look forward to the process. If you are not dysphoric about your body, you may not be trans. Either way, you need to talk to a professional to help sort out your feelings.
Of course, none of us enjoy the fact that we're trans, and although the idea of transitioning has scared us at many points, overall, none of us could imagine continually living our lives pre-transition.
Urgh, I'll bite...
Quote from: FreshGuy on February 10, 2013, 04:57:34 PM
Tbh, being trans has ruined my life :([1] I was much happier before, I had accepted being gay and I was comfortable in my skin then I started to be scared that I was trans then it all went downhill
It sounds like you're a bit of a hypochondriac, and making a mountain out of a molehill. Do you know how many people have questioned their gender? Wondered what it would be like to live as the opposite gender? If they could magically transform into a guy/girl, would they do it?
Quite a lot. Do they go through with it? Not at all. And especially not over a whim.
When I'm drunk or have taken ...
stuff, I sometimes fantasize about being a superhero. Does that make me want to go out, buy a cape, leap from skyscrapers and fight crime? Not particularly. My fat ass dislikes climbing stairs.
Quote from: FreshGuy on February 10, 2013, 04:57:34 PMI know my family won't be supportive so I am gonna be all alone and broke and I'm gonna have to become a woman fml, I wish I could just stay as a guy :(
THEN STAY A GUY. The transgender brigade aren't holding a gun to your head and forcing you to transition. No one is.
We are transitioning to align our outside gender with how we feel inside. We're doing it for our own self-esteem, our own happiness, our comfort within our bodies.
Just because you've enjoyed being in drag doesn't mean you have to transition. There are many cross-dressers and ->-bleeped-<-s out there. Maybe that's your thing. They enjoy it, but would never contemplate transitioning and making it a permanent thing.
You like your body, SO DON'T TRANSITION.
You like being a guy ... SO DON'T TRANSITION.
Sorry if this is strongly worded, but I can't tell if you're genuinely in need, confused or just trying to bait us. I don't agree with how you assume transsexualism is a curse. And personally I think you don't know what you want and are just wasting my time -
if you don't want to transition, then don't. Simple as.
IF this really does bother you, then go see a specialist, someone knowledgeable in such cases and listen to what they have to say. Or take a deep breath, relax and write down your thoughts. Sometimes that can help to gain coherent insight into the muddle of emotions.
Thank you for all of your replies. It means a lot that you have written such thoughtful replies.
Since April, I have been worried that I was a transsexual. It all started when me and my friends decided to go to a party as the spice girls. I chose to be sporty so I could wear something that wasn't too feminine (this was before the thoughts had started) then I went to the shops and bought some clothes from the female department (shorts and one of those tops that shows off your belly) and I tried it on in my room and I stuffed socks in the top to look like breasts and it was kinda fun but then I thought why am I doing this in my room? Does this mean I'm a transsexual?
So on the day of the party (due to other reasons) we didn't go as the spice girls and I went as a man. Around this time the guy I had fancied for two years had got it on with me and then he told me I wasn't attractive and I also came out to my mum as bi.
The trans thought bubbled under for about a week then I had a really emotional day where I started to worry I was a transsexual then I admitted it. I was really scared. I didn't like the intrusive trans thoughts then I looked it up online and I spent hours researching. I even done a test on one of the transgender websites that is an indicator of whether you are make or female and I came out male but it was in the middle range rather than highly male.
Then I discovered people on the Internet who had OCD worries that they were transsexuals and the symptoms seemed to match me well so I thought the worries were part of OCD. Since then I have been not sure if it is OCD or if I am trans but the last couple of days I think I am a transsexual and I feel like I have to transition now.
I have been waiting for counselling for months and months, I have spoken to no one about this apart from Samaritans on the telephone.
These thoughts have made me suicidal at times as I decided I would rather kill myself than have a sex change but I am not feeling suicidal about it at the moment.
Does anybody know any good gender counsellors in London?
These trans worries have turned my life upside down and they are having an adverse effect on my studies. I am in the last year of Uni and the trans thoughts are really impacting my ability to study.
That just about sums up everything I can think if right now.
I don't really wanna start living as a woman but I don't think there is any other option for me right now.
Also before I worried I was trans, I used to worry that I would get a disease that men get that makes them randomly chop off their penis. I read about it online a few years ago.
Now I get anxious around knives and scissors in case I lose control and end up cutting it off.
Even typing this is scaring me as I don't like thinking about it!
As others have said, especially if you are ambivalent, it is probably not a great idea to jump from "I'm gay" to "I'm trans" in a single day. Maybe you are, maybe you're not, and if you are, it's going to be awhile before you'll be able to do much about it. Take time to think about what you really want and feel, and don't let anyone vote on your choices other than yourself, especially if you are currently unattached and have no obligations apart from family pressures from parents and others.
Also, Cognitive Behavior Therapy, which you seem to suggest you've had some of, should have told you about negative fortune telling. You don't know how others will react, and a lot of them may very well surprise you in a positive direction, especially considering the negativity you're bringing to this.
I know I was very anxious about coming out to my largest group of friends to date (an event with over 100 people). Not only did the sky not fall, but quite a few of them expressed support and sympathy, and may have understood that this was where I was going for a very long time, in part because it took me so long, but also because all along I've been taking baby steps to express myself as myself to as much of a degree as I could handle.
Don't create a self-fulfilling prophesy by setting up a condition where you give people an all-or-nothing choice to accept or reject you, unless you really can't help it.
Sorry, posted this as your last message was incoming... I still think the basic message stands, but mainly, it really sounds like you do need to be working with a qualified therapist, and digging into both the gender issues and other concerns as deeply and openly as you can manage. I'll leave it to those near London to suggest someone specific.
Quote from: Bexi on February 10, 2013, 05:28:37 PM
Urgh, I'll bite...
It sounds like you're a bit of a hypochondriac, and making a mountain out of a molehill. Do you know how many people have questioned their gender? Wondered what it would be like to live as the opposite gender? If they could magically transform into a guy/girl, would they do it?
I read on one of these forums that it is not normal for cisgender people to think these sort of thoughts
Quite a lot. Do they go through with it? Not at all. And especially not over a whim.
When I'm drunk or have taken ... stuff, I sometimes fantasize about being a superhero. Does that make me want to go out, buy a cape, leap from skyscrapers and fight crime? Not particularly. My fat ass dislikes climbing stairs.
Ok good point, I actually first saw myself as a girl when I had taken stuff a few years ago.
I looked in the mirror and I had my best friends head then I looked in the mirror again and I was me but a female version. I didn't really give it much thought at the time
THEN STAY A GUY. The transgender brigade aren't holding a gun to your head and forcing you to transition. No one is.
We are transitioning to align our outside gender with how we feel inside. We're doing it for our own self-esteem, our own happiness, our comfort within our bodies.
I'm sorry but I am just really scared that I am transgender. I thought it was just OCD/hypochondrias but it has been persisting for months and months.
Just because you've enjoyed being in drag doesn't mean you have to transition. There are many cross-dressers and ->-bleeped-<-s out there. Maybe that's your thing. They enjoy it, but would never contemplate transitioning and making it a permanent thing.
You like your body, SO DON'T TRANSITION.
You like being a guy ... SO DON'T TRANSITION.
Sorry if this is strongly worded, but I can't tell if you're genuinely in need, confused or just trying to bait us. I don't agree with how you assume transsexualism is a curse. And personally I think you don't know what you want and are just wasting my time - if you don't want to transition, then don't. Simple as.
Ok I can assure that I am seriously in need of help at the moment, I get passed around from service to service. I am not trying to bait you. That would be a horrible thing to do. For me personally, it feels like a curse but I understand that not everyone feels that way. I am just trying to see if I am a transsexual because I've been worrying about being one for a long time. I was scared to live with girls in case it made me definitely become trans so I have male flat mates. Thee thoughts are destroying me.
IF this really does bother you, then go see a specialist, someone knowledgeable in such cases and listen to what they have to say. Or take a deep breath, relax and write down your thoughts. Sometimes that can help to gain coherent insight into the muddle of emotions.
Thank you and I'm sorry, I did try writing out my thoughts earlier and it was kinda useful and I stopped worrying for a while but I am so used to worrying I didn't know what to think about and then I started worrying about.
It is really hard to find help cos I don't know exactly what my problem is but I am just passed and discharged between different services. The nhs has been useless. Their paperwork doesn't catch the severity of my condition
Btw Bexi, you are really pretty :) Just thought I would let you know :)
I highly doubt that a disease culminating in a self-amputated penis exists--I think it sounds a bit silly, and you should have nothing to worry about. In other words, don't believe everything you read on the internet.
From what you have posted, I think it's safe to say that you've had a cross-dressing experiment and enjoyed it. You are still every bit as male as you claim, and you aren't in any danger of 'catching the trans' as if it were a contagion or virus. I do stand by my previous suggestion to find a good counselor to talk to though--for both your gender questions and for anything else you might be worried about! ^^
Quote from: Alice-blossom on February 10, 2013, 06:02:46 PM
I highly doubt that a disease culminating in a self-amputated penis exists--I think it sounds a bit silly, and you should have nothing to worry about. In other words, don't believe everything you read on the internet.
From what you have posted, I think it's safe to say that you've had a cross-dressing experiment and enjoyed it. You are still every bit as male as you claim, and you aren't in any danger of 'catching the trans' as if it were a contagion or virus. I do stand by my previous suggestion to find a good counselor to talk to though--for both your gender questions and for anything else you might be worried about! ^^
Thank you for your reply :)
Yeah, I guess that disease does sound a bit silly but I have always been quite a worrier.
Do you know any good (affordable) counsellors in London?
I have registered with a few services but I don't know if they deal specifically with gender. At my uni, they offer free counselling but I am waiting to hear if I am eligible.
No, I'm afraid not. I live state-side. :3
I haven't checked, but there might be resources stickied somewhere on the forums that can point you in the right direction.
Quote from: FreshGuy on February 10, 2013, 05:54:28 PM
Thank you and I'm sorry, I did try writing out my thoughts earlier and it was kinda useful and I stopped worrying for a while but I am so used to worrying I didn't know what to think about and then I started worrying about.
It is really hard to find help cos I don't know exactly what my problem is but I am just passed and discharged between different services. The nhs has been useless. Their paperwork doesn't catch the severity of my condition
Btw Bexi, you are really pretty :) Just thought I would let you know :)
I apologize if you were offended with my reply - it was strongly worded and certain aspects of it I found difficult to comprehend :)
Anyhoo, I'll try to dissect piece by piece.
Quote from: FreshGuy on February 10, 2013, 05:54:28 PMI read on one of these forums that it is not normal for cisgender people to think these sort of thoughts
Firstly, I read a statistic (I can't remember where, so sorry!) that a large majority of people have such flights of fancy as experiencing life as the opposite gender, if only for a day. Something like 9 out of 10 have wondered. Though (obviously) most were day dreams or random thoughts, and nothing like the severity of which TG- people have to endure on a daily basis.
Secondly, you should take most things you read on forums with a pinch of salt. People come online mainly to gripe and release tension. And its remarkable how the average person has a supermodel wife. Sorry I digress.
Quote from: FreshGuy on February 10, 2013, 05:54:28 PMOk good point, I actually first saw myself as a girl when I had taken stuff a few years ago.
I looked in the mirror and I had my best friends head then I looked in the mirror again and I was me but a female version. I didn't really give it much thought at the time
I'd probably ignore that. Just because you have pictured yourself a certain way, doesn't mean you should automatically strive to achieve it.
One of my younger cousins, when he was 6 or 7, thought he was Barney the Dinosaur and wore a one-sie all the time, for a good 6 months. He never transitioned into a dinosaur.
What I'm trying to get at is that there is a difference between fantasy and reality.
Quote from: FreshGuy on February 10, 2013, 05:54:28 PMI'm sorry but I am just really scared that I am transgender. I thought it was just OCD/hypochondrias but it has been persisting for months and months.
I can't relate. When I realised, it was a like a switch being turned on. I was depressed for ages, but suddenly I knew I was going to transition and it honestly felt like a massive weight had shifted itself from my shoulders, and whatever had been constricting my chest had vanished, and I could breathe
properly for the first time in years.
Quote from: FreshGuy on February 10, 2013, 05:54:28 PMOk I can assure that I am seriously in need of help at the moment, I get passed around from service to service. I am not trying to bait you. That would be a horrible thing to do. For me personally, it feels like a curse but I understand that not everyone feels that way. I am just trying to see if I am a transsexual because I've been worrying about being one for a long time. I was scared to live with girls in case it made me definitely become trans so I have male flat mates. Thee thoughts are destroying me.
Ok, I believe you. I may not be the most understanding individual but I appreciate you're candor.
However, living with girls will. not. make. you. a. transsexual. Repeat that to yourself! :) Sure they may be smelly and always moan about the toilet seat ( ;) only joking!!!) but living with them won't make you want to be one. "It" - doesn't work like that.
But I worry about a lot of things. For instance, I hate flying. Its honestly the only thing that scares me. Give me bugs, creepy crawlies, spiders, rodents, heights, I'm fine - but flying makes me petrified.
But I go on planes. Often. I've been skydiving. And bungee-jumping. Has my plane ever crashed? Presumably not.
Just because you fear something may come to pass, doesn't mean it will.
AND transitioning isn't even similar. Like I said previously, you shouldn't transition because someone told you, or an internet stranger felt the same and decided to "give it a go", or your horoscope said so. You transition for you, no one else. If you don't want to, or feel it isn't for you, then don't.
"Transition" signifies change, from one ideal to another. From male to female. Or female to male.
From unhappiness to happiness.Quote from: FreshGuy on February 10, 2013, 05:54:28 PMBtw Bexi, you are really pretty :) Just thought I would let you know :)
OH you ->-bleeped-<-! Now I have to be nice to you ;) hehe :p
X
Perhaps it is the 3 hours of sleep I got but I still have not read one single reason as to why you insist you are a transsexual. If you ask any of us we can without a second of hesitation rattle off a half dozen or more good reasons we are. I suspect about twice that many reasons why we shouldn't be or don't want to be. Yet we know that we are. Not guess, not think, not well, lets try this and see. But a visceral This really sucks but what can I do, I am trans.
Quote from: JoanneB on February 10, 2013, 06:58:43 PM
Perhaps it is the 3 hours of sleep I got but I still have not read one single reason as to why you insist you are a transsexual. If you ask any of us we can without a second of hesitation rattle off a half dozen or more good reasons we are. I suspect about twice that many reasons why we shouldn't be or don't want to be. Yet we know that we are. Not guess, not think, not well, lets try this and see. But a visceral This really sucks but what can I do, I am trans.
I'm with you Joanne, I'm not seeing a whole lot that screams the OP is trans - just the opposite in fact.. I see things that suggest to me that the OP might be a CD or a TV, but trans? I'm not seeing it..
Quote from: JoanneB on February 10, 2013, 06:58:43 PM
Perhaps it is the 3 hours of sleep I got but I still have not read one single reason as to why you insist you are a transsexual. If you ask any of us we can without a second of hesitation rattle off a half dozen or more good reasons we are. I suspect about twice that many reasons why we shouldn't be or don't want to be. Yet we know that we are. Not guess, not think, not well, lets try this and see. But a visceral This really sucks but what can I do, I am trans.
The thought about being a transsexual popped into my head last year and I haven't been able to get rid of it. Also I've read that transsexuals go through a stage of denial so I could be in that stage and sometimes when I read things written by transsexuals about their experiences, I see some similarities sometimes and it scares me. Being worried about being trans has caused me lots of anxiety and has made me depressed and suicidal on occasions. I thought that because I had the thoughts it meant that I had to have a sex change and there was no other options.
Here are some other reasons that made me think I was but these are more to do
With gender expressions which I read don't always correlate with being trans:
Because one of my friends said I was effeminate because I had drawn smiley faces on price tags at a cake sale we were doing.
Because I do some feminine things such as Zumba and I like songs such as 'Run The Worlds (Girls) and Single Ladies by Beyonce which are both about girls and female empowerment and stuff. Even though I like them cos they are fun and upbeat so they could be indicators
In secondary school, most of my close friends were girls
Also I have a pair of pink boxer shorts and I'm worried that that is a sign of my transsexualism.
Quote from: FreshGuy on February 10, 2013, 06:11:12 PM
Do you know any good (affordable) counsellors in London?
UK Support Groups (https://www.susans.org/Local_Support_Groups_and_Organizations/United_Kingdom/) -- I recommend support groups only because you may be able to get some better info from local girls who have an opinion on who is good and who is not to be trusted. Not all therapists who "serve" transgendered (and questioning) clients are doing so with clean motives.
UK Therapists (https://www.susans.org/Healthcare/Therapists_and_Counselors/United_Kingdom/) -- Unfortunately this listing is not comprehensive, nor is it split up according to local areas, but I'd imagine London has more options than anywhere else in the UK... you may do better in some ways with a Google search or a search through some kind of psych referral index, if there's one for the UK similar to those I've seen for the US.
Quote from: FreshGuy on February 10, 2013, 07:25:24 PM
The thought about being a transsexual popped into my head last year and I haven't been able to get rid of it. Also I've read that transsexuals go through a stage of denial so I could be in that stage and sometimes when I read things written by transsexuals about their experiences, I see some similarities sometimes and it scares me. Being worried about being trans has caused me lots of anxiety and has made me depressed and suicidal on occasions. I thought that because I had the thoughts it meant that I had to have a sex change and there was no other options.
Here are some other reasons that made me think I was but these are more to do
With gender expressions which I read don't always correlate with being trans:
Because one of my friends said I was effeminate because I had drawn smiley faces on price tags at a cake sale we were doing.
Because I do some feminine things such as Zumba and I like songs such as 'Run The Worlds (Girls) and Single Ladies by Beyonce which are both about girls and female empowerment and stuff. Even though I like them cos they are fun and upbeat so they could be indicators
In secondary school, most of my close friends were girls
Also I have a pair of pink boxer shorts and I'm worried that that is a sign of my transsexualism.
The thought just does not suddenly pop into someone's head that they are transgendered, gay, bi or what ever. either you know or you not, its not a guessing game, or lets try this for a while. and as far as owning pink boxers really is that even an argument towards you being TG? Sorry OP I have to agree with the others I'm just not seeing it.
Quote from: Bethany Dawn on February 10, 2013, 07:35:48 PM
The thought just does not suddenly pop into someone's head that they are transgendered, gay, bi or what ever. either you know or you not, its not a guessing game, or lets try this for a while. and as far as owning pink boxers really is that even an argument towards you being TG? Sorry OP I have to agree with the others I'm just not seeing it.
But I read that some transgendered people don't find out until later in life and not all of them feel born in the wrong body or know it during childhood so that added to my worry
Quote from: FreshGuy on February 10, 2013, 07:25:24 PM
The thought about being a transsexual popped into my head last year and I haven't been able to get rid of it. Also I've read that transsexuals go through a stage of denial so I could be in that stage and sometimes when I read things written by transsexuals about their experiences, I see some similarities sometimes and it scares me. Being worried about being trans has caused me lots of anxiety and has made me depressed and suicidal on occasions. I thought that because I had the thoughts it meant that I had to have a sex change and there was no other options.
Denial for me lasted about 22 years - I
knew the whole time that I was not who and what I pretended to be. I just took me a while to accept it - knowing and accepting are 2 different things.
QuoteHere are some other reasons that made me think I was but these are more to do
With gender expressions which I read don't always correlate with being trans:
Because one of my friends said I was effeminate because I had drawn smiley faces on price tags at a cake sale we were doing.
I know guys that would do this - mostly gay guys..
QuoteBecause I do some feminine things such as Zumba and I like songs such as 'Run The Worlds (Girls) and Single Ladies by Beyonce which are both about girls and female empowerment and stuff. Even though I like them cos they are fun and upbeat so they could be indicators
Again, I know plenty of guys that would do this.. Music is music and people will like what they like.. Does the fact I like and listen to a lot of late 80's and early 90's hard rock and metal make me less of a woman? And just because you do an activity that is allegedly feminine, doesn't make you a woman..
QuoteIn secondary school, most of my close friends were girls
So were mine.. And they all just thought I was a gay guy..
QuoteAlso I have a pair of pink boxer shorts and I'm worried that that is a sign of my transsexualism.
Pink boxers make you trans? Seriously? WTF...
I'm sorry, I'm still not seeing anything that really says to me you are trans. I have had a hint or 2 of ashamed gay guy though..
Quote from: FreshGuy on February 10, 2013, 07:25:24 PM
I thought that because I had the thoughts it meant that I had to have a sex change and there was no other options.
Whatever else may be going on for you, even if (after you've spent some time in depth with a therapist) you come to the conclusion that you do experience gender dysphoria (though it does tend to sound like you may just worry way too much), others have said this already, but you don't seem to have read it.
No one
has to have a sex change. Cultures in the past did not even have the technology for this, or the understanding of how hormones worked, or have the means to deliver them adequately if they had.
Granted, Alan Turing was coerced by a court into taking oestrogen (the UK spelling), but the fact that it led to his suicide is a pretty strong hint that he was gay, not transsexual. Now that was a pretty brutal and primitive moment in medical history, but it's not today.
No one today is likely to coerce you into GRS or HRT or anything you do not want, unless, perhaps, you manage to believe that others are socially persuading you... and that certainly doesn't seem to be happening here. I do think, however, that you probably need to sort things out for yourself. No one can be sure you're not in denial, but wearing pink boxers is not going to change your sex, and there are some pretty butch dudes who have worn pink without it even making them gay.
I don't want to trivialize your concerns... the bad experience with that dick of a boyfriend you recounted would have messed with my head too. But for me, the only insights that came from some similar experiences were that some guys (and especially, it seems, the ones who have come onto me) have had their own issues and insecurities. Being rejected by someone who may have been acting on his own internalized homophobia is really not indicative of anything other than that the guy is a dick.
Ok, thank you for your replies.
If I am not trans then I don't know what to do. Thinking I was has been such a big part of my life since last April. I'm not used to not worrying about it. I know that probably sounds silly but because I have spent so much time thinking about it and I've given it so much mental effort.
I'm hoping that this is it resolved now then :)
Quote from: FreshGuy on February 10, 2013, 07:39:51 PM
But I read that some transgendered people don't find out until later in life and not all of them feel born in the wrong body or know it during childhood so that added to my worry
Okay, I didn't know my whole life. I wore tutus. Pink ones. But I also dug for worms and had several incidents that I would now say were suspiciously non-binary. Puberty pretty much sealed it for me, and when I found out about trans* folk, I found a home and people- real, mentally healthy people- who shared such horrible dysphoria. I fantasized about cutting certain hated parts off during particularly bad times.
Some find out later. You may or may not be trans* but nobody's forcing your hand. I didn't want to be, and I'm not proud of the fact that there's a mismatch, but it's irrefutable that I am male where it counts and my body just doesn't understand that it should be too. You shouldn't feel that anyone is forcing you to be a girl. The thought of it, if you were a transsexual, would be liberating like nothing else. The fact that it's the opposite makes me think that at the least you aren't TS. Not to say that this revokes membership from some elite club or anything. It sounds like you're questioning. You could turn out to be a transwoman, or non-binary, or an effeminate man, and all of those are okay to be. You just don't seem like you are a transsexual, and whatever you do,
don't self-medicate in order to transition. Go talk things over with a therapist. Question yourself. Most importantly, give it time. There's no snap decision made here; these things take time.
Quote from: FreshGuy on February 10, 2013, 07:54:57 PM
Ok, thank you for your replies.
If I am not trans then I don't know what to do. Thinking I was has been such a big part of my life since last April. I'm not used to not worrying about it. I know that probably sounds silly but because I have spent so much time thinking about it and I've given it so much mental effort.
I'm hoping that this is it resolved now then :)
I honestly think you need to see a therapist to sort yourself out.. You certainly have some issues, I just don't think being trans is the problem..
Quote from: Kelly the Trans-Rebel on February 10, 2013, 08:02:43 PM
I honestly think you need to see a therapist to sort yourself out.. You certainly have some issues, I just don't think being trans is the problem..
I agree with Kelly, that your most pressing problems at the moment are not necessarily whether you are or are not female-identified. But we also really only know what you are typing. We're not people who've been with you from April onward or earlier. You shouldn't take the reactions of strangers to some frankly contradictory statements you've written as meaning anything one way or another about your essential identity.
I would say the first thing to do would be to find a way to discuss this as calmly as you can with someone actually qualified, probably face-to-face, though in some cases some practitioners will also do sessions via Skype. My son (who identifies as trans now after a few years in limbo) is consulting a gender therapist whose practice is centered near where he'll be entering college this fall. He's communicating with her via Skype now, in part, because he's in a gap year program roughly 400 miles from where his college is located. I don't know whether this sort of thing is accepted practice in the UK or not, and I would expect someone to want to see you in person several times (at least) before going remote. And in your case, I don't know how someone might look at that option. Pretty sure they'd want to have gotten a sense of you, though, in some less reactive moods.
Don't assume things are resolved. Maybe a session or two with someone will in fact clarify things for you? But I'm hearing so many different things in what you've shared that I don't think it would be wise to assume
anything about you, at least not conclusively, based only on this particular encounter.
I think we're all trying hard to be careful not to give you any leading ideas or project ourselves onto your issues. Because that won't help anyone, and, please forgive me for saying so, and I mean it in the kindest way, but it
seems like you are highly suggestible.
Feel welcome to share what you discover about yourself, and to express yourself in your own words here, but most of us have been through some kind of lengthy therapy on our own issues, and many of us have gone through denial in various forms. I can't say I have seen one quite as flip-floppy as yours, but that's probably irrelevant. Few of us are qualified therapists, and those who are are surely not going to draw firm conclusions about you based on a few forum posts.
Quote from: Kelly the Trans-Rebel on February 10, 2013, 07:15:46 PM
I'm with you Joanne, I'm not seeing a whole lot that screams the OP is trans - just the opposite in fact.. I see things that suggest to me that the OP might be a CD or a TV, but trans? I'm not seeing it..
I agree with this too. There's definitely a transgender aspect to their postings, but not to the extreme of requiring a full transition. I've had thoughts where I feel like I'd rather not transition because of all the turmoil it could cause, but choosing death over a transition? That's not normally something you hear from a trans person, just the opposite. I'd definitely see a therapist before making any decisions on this one that would take you past crossdressing.
Quote from: Bethany Dawn on February 10, 2013, 07:35:48 PM
The thought just does not suddenly pop into someone's head that they are transgendered, gay, bi or what ever. either you know or you not, its not a guessing game, or lets try this for a while. and as far as owning pink boxers really is that even an argument towards you being TG? Sorry OP I have to agree with the others I'm just not seeing it.
it doesn't, unless it does. there is no One True Trans Narrative. c'mon, y'all know better than that.
nor are there "arguments" for being trans. it's like, if you are, you are, and if you aren't, you aren't.
but it can take time for people to figure that out for themselves, can take time for poorly formed thoughts to become clear, and can definitely conflict with external social motivations and pressures.
I find it a bit strange, that people who don't know OP, are saying that OP is not a transsexual. Only OP can know it.
The one thing in common that I can see with OP, is the fact that we both are overanalyzing, especially in my mid-twenties I was really over the top so to speak in self-analyzing, which lead to a total self-destruction.
My one and only piece of advice to OP is: Stop over-analyzing yourself. Stop reading and believing everything you read on internet, including also this forum. Take everything with a grain of salt.
You are essentially drowning your inner voice to such a brain storm that you are doing. Stop it and listen to yourself.
Quote from: Henna on February 11, 2013, 06:29:32 AM
I find it a bit strange, that people who don't know OP, are saying that OP is not a transsexual. Only OP can know it.
I can't speak for the rest, but my own statement didn't say they weren't trans, although I guess it could be read that way. I was saying I personally didn't think they were and that they should see a therapist to sort it all out before doing anything aside from experimentation.
Quote from: transtrender on February 10, 2013, 10:07:21 PM
it doesn't, unless it does. there is no One True Trans Narrative. c'mon, y'all know better than that.
nor are there "arguments" for being trans. it's like, if you are, you are, and if you aren't, you aren't.
but it can take time for people to figure that out for themselves, can take time for poorly formed thoughts to become clear, and can definitely conflict with external social motivations and pressures.
Your right, I should have worded that differentially. I should had said that for me the thought did not just pop into my head.
It seems to me that most have harboured thoughts and feelings that they are tg for a good long while. Maybe the OP is trans maybe their not. Only they know for sure. But they should seek help to figure out whats going on.
I was happy because I thought I wasn't trans (based on your answers) now you all seem to be suggesting that maybe I am trans afterall :(
Tbh, I just wanna get some oestrogen and see how it makes me feel but I know that probably ain't the best option cos I need to do things properly through a therapist. I was happy when I thought I could have stayed as a boy but maybe I can't :(
Quote from: FreshGuy on February 11, 2013, 09:12:54 AM
I was happy because I thought I wasn't trans (based on your answers) now you all seem to be suggesting that maybe I am trans afterall :(
No, what they have been saying is that
we don't know if you are trans or not. There is no set way to transition, no one same starting point. You may be trans. You may not be trans, but
only you know, deep inside, whether you are or not.
Quote from: FreshGuy on February 11, 2013, 09:12:54 AMTbh, I just wanna get some oestrogen and see how it makes me feel but I know that probably ain't the best option cos I need to do things properly through a therapist. I was happy when I thought I could have stayed as a boy but maybe I can't :(
Yeah, probably best if you didn't do that.
Arrange a meeting with a therapist and talk it out with them. Tell them your worries and desires and feelings regarding the subject, and they can suggest where to proceed.
Quote from: FreshGuy on February 11, 2013, 09:12:54 AM
I was happy because I thought I wasn't trans (based on your answers) now you all seem to be suggesting that maybe I am trans afterall :(
Tbh, I just wanna get some oestrogen and see how it makes me feel but I know that probably ain't the best option cos I need to do things properly through a therapist. I was happy when I thought I could have stayed as a boy but maybe I can't :(
No, don't do that. My impression is that you're still in "panic mode" and the worst thing you could do right now is to start changing your body chemistry on top of everything.
What everybody is saying is that it's not our place to tell you if you're trans or not. We just met you, and we don't know that much about you yet. Please try not to think about it too much and see how that makes you feel. Read other people's posts here, and see what you relate to and what you don't. And most importantly, please try to realize that even if you are trans: it's not the end of the world. :)
Ok, thanks guys! I just feel like I need to know what I am so I can go ahead and transition or just stay as I already am
Ok, I understand what you mean about it maybe not being your place to say if I am or not but I thought that surely other trans people would know if I am it not as they have been through the same/similar situations.
Also, if I'm in panic mode, is that one of the early stages of being trans?
Also people have said that I might just be a CD or TV but I read that most TS start out as CDs so I could just be at an early stage :(
I'm really scared about going to a trans support group cos if it turns out I am not a trans then I don't wanna waste their time. Also if we have mutual friends then they might find out.
And everyone is saying that only I know if I am trans but I don't know that is one of the reasons I joined the forum.
Quote from: FreshGuy on February 11, 2013, 09:47:33 AM
Ok, thanks guys! I just feel like I need to know what I am so I can go ahead and transition or just stay as I already am
Fair enough, and as long as you're confused please make the default "stay as you are"
Quote
Ok, I understand what you mean about it maybe not being your place to say if I am or not but I thought that surely other trans people would know if I am it not as they have been through the same/similar situations.
We all have different backgrounds, different life stories and different severity of dysphoria. Life would be so much easier (or at least less confusing) if there was a cookie-cutter example of what it's like to be trans.
Quote
Also, if I'm in panic mode, is that one of the early stages of being trans?
I don't think so. My point is more that while you're panicking it's going to be harder to think clearly about who you are and what you want.
Quote
Also people have said that I might just be a CD or TV but I read that most TS start out as CDs so I could just be at an early stage :(
But how many CDs aren't TS? You need to look at both sides of the issue here :).
Quote
I'm really scared about going to a trans support group cos if it turns out I am not a trans then I don't wanna waste their time. Also if we have mutual friends then they might find out.
I've only been to one support group meeting, and everybody there was really, really nice. I'm also concerned about running into anybody I know, so I chose to drive an hour to a place where I don't know anybody. I assure you, you won't be wasting anybody's time.
Quote from: FreshGuy on February 11, 2013, 09:50:36 AM
And everyone is saying that only I know if I am trans but I don't know that is one of the reasons I joined the forum.
And that's a good start! We're happy to have you here. Like I said earlier, read other people's posts and experiences. Even if you don't have anything to add, it should still help you figure out where you fit in. I know it's confusing and scary, but that's why this support forum exists.
Wasting their time if I'm not trans??
There is no such thing as wasting their time, that is what support groups are for, to help you understand yourself and your gender issues.
Trying to get into a therapist is the same thing, they are there to help you understand your feelings. No one else can tell you for sure who or what you are, they can only offer insights and help you to face your issues.
That's what we do here, give you a sounding board to share your fears and goals. Hopefully people here give you good advice, but it is totally up to you how and what you decide to do with our comments.
Quote from: FreshGuy on February 11, 2013, 09:47:33 AM
Also, if I'm in panic mode, is that one of the early stages of being trans?
Loads of people panic for all sorts of reasons. It doesn't necessarily mean a thing.
Your post about wanting to dress up as a Spice Girl made me think of something. Do you remember on this year's X Factor, when Rylan met Geri Halliwell? He said that he'd been a huge fan of the Spice Girls since he was a little girl when (as a fellow ginge) he used to dress up as her.
It struck me as odd that he referred to himself as a little girl, because he seems to identify as a gay man and I didn't for a second think of him as being trans. I still don't. Some
gay men are naturally effeminate and like girly things. That's perfectly OK. It doesn't necessarily mean they're trans.
You *could* go and talk to a therapist in a panic, but I'd advise you to take a deep breath and try the NHS way of doing things. Which is as follows:
- Talk to your GP, tell them you think you might be trans, and ask them to refer you on.
- They'll send you to your local Community Mental Health team just to check whether there's anything else that might be causing you to feel this way.
- If your Community Mental Health team gives you a clean bill of health and thinks you might possibly be trans, they'll refer you to a therapist.
There are a couple of well-known therapists in the London area (and online, if you prefer), so if you wanted to go private it wouldn't be a bad idea to start with the ones who work at the NHS's Gender Identity Clinic at Charing Cross as you'd probably be referred there if you go the NHS route anyway. If you look them up, you'll be able to find out which ones see patients privately.
Whatever you do, don't rush in. Transitioning takes
years to finalise so if you need to do it, you have plenty of time to consider your options.
Quote from: FreshGuy on February 11, 2013, 09:47:33 AM
Also people have said that I might just be a CD or TV but I read that most TS start out as CDs so I could just be at an early stage :(
Well most do some don't. For a fact I didn't started as a CD. I just knew I wanted to be a girl and dressing up came later. There are also some who do crossdress but they never want to alter the way they look their body nor they want change sex. People like Andrej Pejić. He is a major model and done lot of catwalks both as a male model and female model and gosh he look gorgeous as a female model and he ranked among top 50 male models. As far as I know he never mentioned anything regarding to change his sex or even to have HRT. ( Please correct me if I am wrong.)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andrej_Peji%C4%87 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andrej_Peji%C4%87)
http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/andrej%20pejic (http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/andrej%20pejic)
http://andrejpejicpage.tumblr.com/ (http://andrejpejicpage.tumblr.com/)
So you have to figure it out what you like and what you really want. Do you like dressing up because it is fun or because you feel much like your self. Do you like and want others to treat you like a woman. I feel these are the things that going to matter in the end.
That's why everyone suggested seeing a therapist. They can help you isolate each of your concerns so you can make a better decision. They may tell you whether or not they believe you are ts, but only you can make the final decision.
Support groups are a great way to help you find out more about yourself. People there aren't going to judge you, so you can explore in peace.
I expect you're in panic mode because of what you read on the internet. I did the same thing. Everything indicated I needed to be in full go mode before 29 for optimal results and I was 25. I thought I had to make a decision then and there, but this is a real life-changer and you have a lot of fear over it right now. If the fear of transitioning outweighs the fear of not doing it, then there are other routes you can take if you determine that you are indeed ts, and a therapist can help show you what they are.
Not all CD's or TV's find out that they're trans, so merely enjoying crossdressing is not a good indicator. A lot of ts's, myself included, started off with CD only because we didn't know there was another option. Many of us spent a lifetime hoping that wishful thinking would make a full change, but the only thing available to us was crossdressing.
I'm like Anya, in that I never cross-dressed as a child while still knowing that I wanted to be a girl.
Me too. I only started last October *after* I had been questioning myself for a while.
I was a boy who couldn't stand being forced to cross-dress in girls' clothing.
Unfortunately, I was born female-bodied, so it was nigh-on impossible to convince my parents of that fact.
Likewise, I never cross-dressed. Hell, I never even contemplated it!
And now I wear clothing for women, I still don't see myself as a cross-dresser.
x
I tried to avoid, forget, lie to myself and numb/dumb down my guilt for being a female in a male body. I denied myself to the point I could not deny any longer. As for dysphoria, it is increasing. The closer I get the pull gets stronger from my desire and the push stronger from my dysphoria. I want to transition. I want to go to therapy. I want to be happy. I never wanted to be a boy, and adolescient male or a man.
There is nothing wrong with being trans or gay. It is wrong to hurt yourself. I wish I came to terms long ago ( much past torture). The present will be your new past. So make the most of right now.
Perhaps you may want to consider talking to a therapist and slowing down to catch yourself. :angel:
did you forget to take your medicine today like maybe to take your chill pill! no but seriously being transsexual is not bad. i was like you and stressed out about it so much before and tried to be a normal guy (quote) but that just made people figure it out faster and me unhappy. you dont have to transition if you dont want too. but i can tell you i am now happy. do i have problems from time to time yes, but they are all average problems that everyone deals with and they tend to pass fast. just take things one step at a time and see where life takes you. man or woman your still you.
Quote from: anya on February 11, 2013, 10:16:55 AM
People like Andrej Pejić. He is a major model and done lot of catwalks both as a male model and female model and gosh he look gorgeous as a female model and he ranked among top 50 male models. As far as I know he never mentioned anything regarding to change his sex or even to have HRT. ( Please correct me if I am wrong.)
I haven't heard him say anything committal, but I have heard him say some ambiguous things. I don't know whether that's something coming from him personally or his publicist, though. It seems like his statements come across as genuine (but also incomplete). They also are more than a little flirtatious and coy. The shielding might just be a sign that he's trying to maintain some sort of private life during whatever time he has in the spotlight.
At least for now, he seems grounded in taking a super-androgynous approach, but for someone who is banking on his loveliness, there's also probably some degree of planning that's gone into positioning him in such a space, one that is eminently press- and camera-ready.
My opinion based on a few interviews I've seen, and probably not to be given much weight. What he thinks in private could be very different from the public persona, since models are, after all, a kind of well-studied package of images and poses and attitude.
You're almost sounding like you want to be trans now. It's like taking depression tests over and over again seeking for a worse result to give myself a reason to feel sad as a kid. It got to the point I didn't know what I was thinking and what I thought I should be thinking. I don't know if you're trans, or what you want to hear, just relax. You are who you are and gender shouldn't be ruling that, whether you are trans or not. Experiment, find what makes you feel right. Sit down and look at yourself, how do you really feel about parts of you, and not just the obvious bits.
Quote from: AlexanderC on February 11, 2013, 10:36:46 PM
You're almost sounding like you want to be trans now. It's like taking depression tests over and over again seeking for a worse result to give myself a reason to feel sad as a kid. It got to the point I didn't know what I was thinking and what I thought I should be thinking. I don't know if you're trans, or what you want to hear, just relax. You are who you are and gender shouldn't be ruling that, whether you are trans or not. Experiment, find what makes you feel right. Sit down and look at yourself, how do you really feel about parts of you, and not just the obvious bits.
Hey, can you elaborate what you meant about the depression test things? And how does it relate? Thanks, it seems interesting.
Quote from: FreshGuy on February 12, 2013, 08:31:48 AM
Hey, can you elaborate what you meant about the depression test things? And how does it relate? Thanks, it seems interesting.
It's not the best comparison in the world, but when I was younger, twelve to fourteen I think, I took a lot of online depression tests. I wanted an explanation for why I felt the way I did about life, death and generally why I always felt so sad and down. I think I was scared that I wouldn't be 'depressed enough' because I would lose the only explanation that I felt was legitimate, and after the first couple of times I got so hung up on what answers would give what results that I found it hard to be honest. I almost felt disappointed when the results got better, because then I wouldn't have a reason to feel the way I did anymore, and that meant that I was crazy and fitted in no where for no reason -- looking back that was probably because I was trans and the guys didn't want to be see hanging around with a 'girl'.
When I got referred to my GP they asked the same basic diagnostic questions as the online tests did, and by that point I was unable to answer honestly for myself because I knew what each answer would tell him. If I gave the answers that would lead to depression then what would they do, I might get medication, but would it take my mind away from me? If I gave the answers that would say I was okay then everyone would just think I was a faker and want to know why. If I gave him the truth... what was the truth and what was I just trying to project onto myself to get the answers I wanted? I'd over thought things to the point that I didn't know what I honestly felt any more.
I see this relating to you because you seem like you're looking for specific answers. Everything that you're saying that isn't the general characteristics of a trans person is always suffixed with "but it could just be denial." Yes, it could be some sort of denial, but that's for you to work out, we can only help you by commenting on what we're told, and if you're not able to be entirely honest with yourself, or fishing for specific answers -- not saying that you're conscious that you're doing it -- we'll definitely not be able to be that useful. Seeing someone in real life would make it easier, but I think you mentioned something about getting messed around by the NHS before? (Apologies if I've gotten the wrong person.) Well, join the club mate. It's always worth giving them another go though, because I don't believe that if my experiences were widespread that there would be any shrinks left in the country. I've also got a temperament that doesn't match well with the average airy-fairy shrink, so you might fare better.
Have you ever flipped a coin and got disappointed by the answer so you do a best of three, and then a best of five, and then decide to go against it anyway? By flipping that coin and setting up rules about what would happen if you got heads, or if you got tails, it helps you to work out what you really want by whether you're disappointed by the results or not. Obviously this is more suited to working out whether you should have porridge or pancakes for breakfast (pancakes seeing as it's pancake day!) than deciding what gender you are, but the basic theory is there. If I flipped a coin and said, if it's heads I have to come out to everyone and sign my deed poll, if it's tails then I have to delete my Susans account, tell my girlfriend it was all a mistake and never think of trans things again, I would feel devastated if it came up tails. Just thinking about it makes me want to curl up into a ball for the rest of time. We might think we want things, but at the end of the day it's when the other options are seemingly taken away from us we decide what we really need.
A couple of people have suggested working through your other issues first before trying to determine whether or not you are trans. That's always a good idea, and what a good shrink will have you do first, or alongside any trans issues if you go to see them questioning your gender. If there is a root to your constant thinking that you're trans then it's better for everyone if that root is fixed, rather than just sticking you on hormones. Not saying that being trans is caused by a root, but in your case it seems like there may be some OCD or anxiety which is leading you to fixate on this, like others have said. I don't have any personal experience with illnesses like those so I can't really comment too much there, other than to see people about it.
Where there any other triggers that started you thinking this way? You've said you were dressing up as Sporty Spice in your room and started wondering whether or not it meant you were trans. From what you've told us, you were dressing up because you were going out in a group all dressed up, rather than doing it to really experiment or feel comfortable. Okay, so you might not have had to dress up there and then but could have waited until the night, but it's pretty natural to wanting to see how things look, especially when they're not "allowed". It's like me as a little kid attempting to put make up on, did that make me grow up into a woman? Heck no, I wouldn't go near the stuff now. I just wanted to see what it would look like. I'm just a little confused how that seems to have sparked off this whole worrying about whether or not you're trans, and whether you're going to lose your penis.
And on the matter of the penis, no one is going to force you to have it removed, and with MTF SRS it's not just hacked off anyway, whether you are or aren't trans. And as far as I am aware it's perfectly normal to have it shrink and the balls retract in cold weather, something to do with regulating temperatures I'm assuming, so I wouldn't worry there.
This is more relevant to another thread you've started, but I'm going to post it here because I'm lazy:
Transgender and transsexual don't mean the same things. I would say that someone who doesn't identify as their birth sex entirely would be transgender. I think if you're perfectly comfortable with your body and how society views you without doing anything to change you from your assigned gender ("what you were born as" *cringe*) then you're not transgender. That's just my take on it though, and the definitions vary a lot, even within this site. A man who dresses up as a woman once does not make him trans, or a crossdresser. If he enjoys it and does it regularly then yes, I could say that it did make him a crossdresser, but wouldn't stop him being male. Hundreds of women, lesbian and otherwise, wear men's clothes, that doesn't mean that they're all crossdressers though in my eyes. It's a complicated world out there when you're talking about clearly defining things so complex and entwined in society and stereotypes as this.
I
personally would say that:
- If you want and desire surgery or hormones then you are "transsexual", even if you cannot afford them, or it would be medically unsafe so you refrain.
- If you dress as the opposite gender to perform then you are a drag king/queen.
- If you dress as the opposite gender because it's sexy to you then you are a ->-bleeped-<- (what lovely pictures that word brings up.)
- If you dress as the opposite gender because you want to then I would say that it's good for you and f- the labels, but some would class you as a CD, especially if you're dressing in female clothes as a male. I don't like defining this because there seems to be a double standard between men and women, no one would call my girlfriend a CD, but she's always wearing her dad and brothers clothes, but if my dad threw on my mother's trousers then there would be a stir.
More importantly though, stop worrying about labels. Some people find them comforting, and they're useful to find people like you I suppose, but that's all they're really good for. I don't know what my sexuality is, and it doesn't matter to me, I like who I like, and okay if I had to I would probably tell you that I was a straight demisexual, but it doesn't feel important to me. Am I transgender or transsexual? I'm probably "officially" transsexual, but to me I'm just male. Forget the labels, who are you underneath them all? How would you explain how you felt about your gender etc to a small child who had never heard those words?
I'm not a judging kind of girl I'm not in any position to tell you what you are or aren't
Dressing as a girl doesn't make you a girl... I dressed up as a twi'lek last Halloween didn't make me a twi'lek. Bubble writing doesn't make you a girl nor dose putting on a dress or make up.
If your a woman you don't need me or anyone else to confirm this for you. You definitely don't need those silly tests to tell you, they only ever tell you exactly what you want to hear nobody is on the other end of the line, Your only convincing yourself that's the only person that matters.
You've said things like "Oh I'm a transsexual I have to transition"
Why? Why do you have to transition? Do you WANT to transition? Do you want the results that come out of it?
If you take hormones your gonna grow boobs one day you might have to wear a bra as a matter of practical necessity, nothing kinky or exotic about as mundane as brushing your teeth. it's gonna change other things too ya know... I'm only mentioning the obvious one.
If you wear a skirt your gonna be a person in a skirt.
If you get electrolysis/laser hair removal your gonna have no beard
If you get SRS your gonna have a vagina.
if you train your voice your gonna sound like a girl.
If you get a name change people will call you that name
And if you do all of them work hard at them and get lucky people are gonna look at you when they meet you and say "hello miss"
I'm not going to make you a doctor isn't going to make you no imaginary illness is going to make you cut your testicles off and force you.
If you want or need those above things then ask people how you go about it and that the everyday humdrum of begin a woman will be yours too.
1. It isn't enjoyable to transition. Those who transitioned are either bat&*# crazy or the strongest people on this earth. I am still evaluating which one I am ;)
2. Based on your most recent thread (not this one), I do not think you are "transsexual" (Gawd I hate that word). I think you enjoy crossdressing. Which brings me to number 3:
3. No amount of posts to help you will amount to anything until you see a therapist who is trained to spot those who suffer from GID or who really needs to transition.
Feedback from others is awesome. I valued the feedback I have received when I first transitioned and even today. However, none of the suggestions on whether or not you should transition or whether or not you are TransSexual is really in stone until you talk to a therapist who can see you and talk to you.
Quote from: AlexanderC on February 12, 2013, 12:40:20 PM
It's not the best comparison in the world, but when I was younger, twelve to fourteen I think, I took a lot of online depression tests. I wanted an explanation for why I felt the way I did about life, death and generally why I always felt so sad and down. I think I was scared that I wouldn't be 'depressed enough' because I would lose the only explanation that I felt was legitimate, and after the first couple of times I got so hung up on what answers would give what results that I found it hard to be honest. I almost felt disappointed when the results got better, because then I wouldn't have a reason to feel the way I did anymore, and that meant that I was crazy and fitted in no where for no reason -- looking back that was probably because I was trans and the guys didn't want to be see hanging around with a 'girl'.
When I got referred to my GP they asked the same basic diagnostic questions as the online tests did, and by that point I was unable to answer honestly for myself because I knew what each answer would tell him. If I gave the answers that would lead to depression then what would they do, I might get medication, but would it take my mind away from me? If I gave the answers that would say I was okay then everyone would just think I was a faker and want to know why. If I gave him the truth... what was the truth and what was I just trying to project onto myself to get the answers I wanted? I'd over thought things to the point that I didn't know what I honestly felt any more.
Yeah I can see what you mean there. I get what you mean about knowing what the evidence suggests and I think that most of the evidence seems to suggest I am not a transsexual but since April I have been worrying that I am. I have read through so much information online about how to tell what is typical of people who transition.
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I see this relating to you because you seem like you're looking for specific answers.
I think what you're saying here is right and I have kinda been reassurance seeking while also genuinely trying to find out the answer.
QuoteEverything that you're saying that isn't the general characteristics of a trans person is always suffixed with "but it could just be denial."
Yeah, this is to try and avoid being biased in my posts. I read that a lot of people who transition go through a period of denial so my responses suggesting I am not transsexual may just be an aspect of 'denial' In all my posts though I have posted answers as honestly as I can.
QuoteYes, it could be some sort of denial, but that's for you to work out,
Agreed but I don't really know how to work out if I am in denial. I am being as honest with myself as I can.
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we can only help you by commenting on what we're told, and if you're not able to be entirely honest with yourself, or fishing for specific answers -- not saying that you're conscious that you're doing it -- we'll definitely not be able to be that useful.
I have been posting all the evidence I have that I thought may be indicative of me being transsexual
QuoteSeeing someone in real life would make it easier, but I think you mentioned something about getting messed around by the NHS before? (Apologies if I've gotten the wrong person.) Well, join the club mate. It's always worth giving them another go though, because I don't believe that if my experiences were widespread that there would be any shrinks left in the country. I've also got a temperament that doesn't match well with the average airy-fairy shrink, so you might fare better.
Well remembered, that is me! I am waiting to potentially receive counselling at my Uni. Should I stick with that for now and then go to the NHS if it doesn't help it whatever?
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Have you ever flipped a coin and got disappointed by the answer so you do a best of three, and then a best of five, and then decide to go against it anyway? By flipping that coin and setting up rules about what would happen if you got heads, or if you got tails, it helps you to work out what you really want by whether you're disappointed by the results or not. Obviously this is more suited to working out whether you should have porridge or pancakes for breakfast (pancakes seeing as it's pancake day!) than deciding what gender you are, but the basic theory is there. If I flipped a coin and said, if it's heads I have to come out to everyone and sign my deed poll, if it's tails then I have to delete my Susans account, tell my girlfriend it was all a mistake and never think of trans things again, I would feel devastated if it came up tails. Just thinking about it makes me want to curl up into a ball for the rest of time. We might think we want things, but at the end of the day it's when the other options are seemingly taken away from us we decide what we really need.
I flipped a coin lol, I had heads for stay as a boy and tails is transition. The first flip was tails, I didn't really feel much but I decided to do best of 3 Nd the other two times said male which I was hoping for. obviously I would not base the decision to transition on a coinflip but I thought I would do it anyway. Also, I'm gonna say it cos I feel like I should but it could just be denial that made me want it to land on 'stay a boy' so I dunno if it was useful anyway lol but I understand the point you are getting across.
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A couple of people have suggested working through your other issues first before trying to determine whether or not you are trans. That's always a good idea, and what a good shrink will have you do first, or alongside any trans issues if you go to see them questioning your gender. If there is a root to your constant thinking that you're trans then it's better for everyone if that root is fixed, rather than just sticking you on hormones. Not saying that being trans is caused by a root, but in your case it seems like there may be some OCD or anxiety which is leading you to fixate on this, like others have said. I don't have any personal experience with illnesses like those so I can't really comment too much there, other than to see people about it.
Yeah I think I am going to work on my other issues first. I have taken out loads of books on overcoming anxiety and worry from the library which will be useful :)
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Where there any other triggers that started you thinking this way?
Here are things that happened to me prior to thinking I was trans:
For a project at Uni, I read an article that was about transgender people in 19th century and another one about South American men that dress as women. I was worried as to why I has chosen to read these articles. Did it indicate that I was transsexual in some way?
I had fancied my Flatmate and best friend for 2 years. He comes out to me as gay and we get it on. This was honestly a dream come true for me as I was completely in love with him. In my eyes (at the time) he was perfect and at the time I had been smoking a lot of cannabis with him
and other friends just so that I could hang out with him more. During this time I smoked a hell of a lot. then a couple of days later, he told me that he doesn't want to carry on with me because he didn't find me attractive. I hid from him how hurt I was but this completely destroyed me. I felt so down. I know it sounds silly but I had imagined that I would spend the rest of my life with him
and live out my 'dream' It took months and months to get over him. I started to worry I was transsexual about 2 weeks after he dumped me.
In the week where I started to worry I was trans, I came out to my mum as bisexual but she didn't take it as well as I was expecting and this made me down.
Also in the week that I started to worry I was transsexual, I had binge drunk on every night at the pub with friends.
QuoteYou've said you were dressing up as Sporty Spice in your room and started wondering whether or not it meant you were trans.
Correct, this was the week after the boy I had fancied for 2 weeks had dumped me.
QuoteFrom what you've told us, you were dressing up because you were going out in a group all dressed up, rather than doing it to really experiment or feel comfortable. Okay, so you might not have had to dress up there and then but could have waited until the night, but it's pretty natural to wanting to see how things look, especially when they're not "allowed". It's like me as a little kid attempting to put make up on, did that make me grow up into a woman? Heck no, I wouldn't go near the stuff now. I just wanted to see what it would look like.
Yup, that is correct and good point.
When I had my consultation with the NHS psychologist, I was scared to tell them/not ready to in case it meant that I had to have a sex change but in the consultation I didn't have opportunity to raise many of my concerns.
QuoteI'm just a little confused how that seems to have sparked off this whole worrying about whether or not you're trans, and whether you're going to lose your penis.
I thought that because I had worn it alone in my room that it meant I must be a transsexual and the fear escalated from that.
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And on the matter of the penis, no one is going to force you to have it removed, and with MTF SRS it's not just hacked off anyway, whether you are or aren't trans. And as far as I am aware it's perfectly normal to have it shrink and the balls retract in cold weather, something to do with regulating temperatures I'm assuming, so I wouldn't worry there.
Ok, that is good =)
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This is more relevant to another thread you've started, but I'm going to post it here because I'm lazy:
Transgender and transsexual don't mean the same things. I would say that someone who doesn't identify as their birth sex entirely would be transgender. I think if you're perfectly comfortable with your body and how society views you without doing anything to change you from your assigned gender ("what you were born as" *cringe*) then you're not transgender. That's just my take on it though, and the definitions vary a lot, even within this site. A man who dresses up as a woman once does not make him trans, or a crossdresser. If he enjoys it and does it regularly then yes, I could say that it did make him a crossdresser, but wouldn't stop him being male. Hundreds of women, lesbian and otherwise, wear men's clothes, that doesn't mean that they're all crossdressers though in my eyes. It's a complicated world out there when you're talking about clearly defining things so complex and entwined in society and stereotypes as this.
I personally would say that:
- If you want and desire surgery or hormones then you are "transsexual", even if you cannot afford them, or it would be medically unsafe so you refrain.
- If you dress as the opposite gender to perform then you are a drag king/queen.
- If you dress as the opposite gender because it's sexy to you then you are a ->-bleeped-<- (what lovely pictures that word brings up.)
- If you dress as the opposite gender because you want to then I would say that it's good for you and f- the labels, but some would class you as a CD, especially if you're dressing in female clothes as a male. I don't like defining this because there seems to be a double standard between men and women, no one would call my girlfriend a CD, but she's always wearing her dad and brothers clothes, but if my dad threw on my mother's trousers then there would be a stir.
More importantly though, stop worrying about labels. Some people find them comforting, and they're useful to find people like you I suppose, but that's all they're really good for. I don't know what my sexuality is, and it doesn't matter to me, I like who I like, and okay if I had to I would probably tell you that I was a straight demisexual, but it doesn't feel important to me. Am I transgender or transsexual? I'm probably "officially" transsexual, but to me I'm just male. Forget the labels, who are you underneath them all? How would you explain how you felt about your gender etc to a small child who had never heard those words?
Thank you for your reply :)
To a five year old I would say that I am a boy but
I am scared that I am really a girl in a man's body
Quote from: Annah on February 12, 2013, 03:16:20 PM
Those who transitioned are either bat&*# crazy or the strongest people on this earth.
I'm one of the former for sure.
Quote from: FreshGuy on February 12, 2013, 09:39:29 PM
Yeah I can see what you mean there. I get what you mean about knowing what the evidence suggests and I think that most of the evidence seems to suggest I am not a transsexual but since April I have been worrying that I am. I have read through so much information online about how to tell what is typical of people who transition.
My 2 cents plus change:
Quit trying to fit yourself into somebody elses' story. Find yourself first and figure out what makes sense in your story and deal with the consequences of it. Doing things just because I or anybody else on the forum did it (transition) medically doesn't mean you should until you know yourself and how far the gender rabbit hole goes.
OP: You need to calm down some and take some deep breaths. You seem to try to be jumping to hasty decision and panicking. Just breeaatthheee. Ok.
Does it really matter what your label is? Why not be who you are without worrying about that? If you like your body but happen to like wearing dresses, then be a dude who likes wearing dresses. Nothing wrong with that. I have seen many cases of people claiming to be transsexual purely because of that. They are a boy who enjoys makeup, they are a girl who dislikes wearing dresses. Being transsexual is a lot deeper than that. It's down, very deep within you and how you feel about yourself. You've gotta separate it from society's norms.
You should not worry. Find a therapist or support group, as others have said. They'll be happy to help you whether your truly trans or not. Just from what I've seen, I don't think you are, but that's my opinion and I don't personally know you, so take that piece of advice with care. Just enjoy who you are. If others are labeling you then just let them, it's none of their business who you are. Stop worrying so much and just enjoy life as best as you can :).
One last thing that bothered me about your original post. Just because somebody is transsexual doesn't mean they HAVE to transition. It's true, the majority do, but some don't, like myself. It's a very big decision and some aren't comfortable like that. I still live as a boy, but I just don't have the parts and don't want to be on hormones the rest of my life/have major surgeries to fix that.