I'm starting to ask the staff where I live to call me by the name I have chosen for myself and the proper pronouns that go with it. I see myself as a woman though I'm not presenting as such right now. I'm more androgynous at the moment. Anyway one aid says to me tonight that I will be a guy in her eyes until I either legaly change my name or have the operation. Grrrr she got under my skin. I told her it all about how I perceive myself. She should have enough respect for that. But no she thinks it's her way or no way. With no regard to what others think.
Tomorrow I'm going to the head of nursing and ask him to inform his staff that from here on out I wish to be called Bethany or Beth, and use the pronouns that go along with those names by staff. I know most of the residents wont understand it and thats fine but the staff should show me the respect that I deserve.
Is it unreasonable to request this?
I don't think it's unreasonable at all!
For me at work, they were incredibly accepting but they still flub up the pronouns quite frequently. I started gently correcting them and they have gotten better, but I think it just takes a while.
It's amazing though when you meet new people, they get it right from the get-go!
Totally reasonable and that staff member should be fired. The staff are there to support you. There is nothing wrong with you (except for the disability!) you are a totally normal human being who demands the respect of a human being and fundamental to that, is our right not to suffer discrimination.
OK my wife is in nursing home and the staff have no problem with my pronouns and they totally understand or at least accept, that my wife refers to be as a male. I am totally and utterly OK with that. I'll always be her husband and I will never walk away from that.
I agree with Jenny, work and society have had very little trouble. One guy at work misgenders me regularly and last week I told him in front of the entire staff that if he did it again I'd cut his balls off, dip one in silver and one in gold and he can wear them as ear rings so he doesn't forget.
He went red and felt humiliated, he hasn't forgotten since and if he does I'll humiliate him again.
Let us know how you get on. We can always email bomb the place to support you >:-)
Quote from: Cindy James on March 11, 2013, 01:38:32 AM
...We can always email bomb the place to support you >:-)
With you Cindy! I am down lol
So my job booking ended this past Friday, and on the way out I ended up talking to one of the other freelancers that was on the same project about my transition. She told me she was really thrown off and kind of upset that they kept messing up the pronouns. She was concerned that I would be offended by it. Towards the end of the booking, she was actually right! The producer kept messing it up so I had to remind him in front of others ;)
I've worked for this company several times over the past 3 years and told her that it's not uncommon for people who knew me long before to have a harder time switching pronouns, and that I've learned to give people some time to do it on their own before I start correcting them. It's only after several corrections have been made that it starts throwing me off a little. Luckily that has only happened a few times, and I didn't let it go unnoticed.
In the end, we have to teach people around us how we want to be treated. It's a big part of getting what you want out of life. If you can teach someone with the most positive outcome in mind, you will have a better shot at getting what you want. Joking around is great, too. You can disguise really pungent verbiage in a "joke" and it leaves a lasting impression like Cindy did (hahah good one Cindy!)- and also at the same I think it diminishes the taboo-ness that some people feel about the topic of trans*.
Quote from: Cindy James on March 11, 2013, 01:38:32 AM
Totally reasonable and that staff member should be fired. The staff are there to support you. There is nothing wrong with you (except for the disability!) you are a totally normal human being who demands the respect of a human being and fundamental to that, is our right not to suffer discrimination.
OK my wife is in nursing home and the staff have no problem with my pronouns and they totally understand or at least accept, that my wife refers to be as a male. I am totally and utterly OK with that. I'll always be her husband and I will never walk away from that.
I agree with Jenny, work and society have had very little trouble. One guy at work misgenders me regularly and last week I told him in front of the entire staff that if he did it again I'd cut his balls off, dip one in silver and one in gold and he can wear them as ear rings so he doesn't forget.
He went red and felt humiliated, he hasn't forgotten since and if he does I'll humiliate him again.
Let us know how you get on. We can always email bomb the place to support you >:-)
I had to wipe the tears from my eyes with that mental image.
Good for you, Peta Cindy! Good for you.
Beth is in Massachusetts (according to her profile), sorry I don't know what the legal requirements are there. Maybe Dev would know.
But working up the "chain of command" is the smart way to start.
Thank you for the responses, I actually posted the same question on facebook and got the same answers. Today I am going to request that I am refered to as Bethany or Beth and she or her are used also. I know there will be slip ups along the way as people get use to it and that's fine as long as there is an effort made I'll be happy.
Cindy if you make those earrings, I want to see pictures of him wearing them. LOL
I just spoke with the interim administrator here at the home. (Who just happens to be my cousin) About my wishes to have the staff address me as Bethany or Beth, and use the pronouns that fit my gender. She will pass word along to the director of nurses. Again I know there will be slips of the tongue and thats to be expected but as long as they make an effort I'll be happy. If there is a repeat of last night well then yes that person should be fired.
I asked the same question on facebook and this was a responce from someone who works here I'm not sure what to make of it.
QuoteI have supported you but in view of where you reside it's a difficult situation. The staff has to work in accordance with the State of Ma. You can't just drop this on them and expect total cooperation. You are one resident of 60 and not one is more special than any other. I love working at the Home as well as most is my co-workers. I think you need to be a little more patient and let everyone get used to this transition. I know it's been hard on you but seriously, there are people at the Home who have no idea what this all about. I will continue to support you but please give the Staff some time to get used to your new identity. A lot of people are very uncomfortable with this so all I ask - take it slow.
This was my reply
QuoteThank you for your support and input, I really appreciate it. I know it will take time. And I understand that this is all new to them as it is for me. Unfortunately I had not come here after starting to transition or fully done with it. So for both the home and myself this is a learning experience. Having said that what was said to me last night was totaly disrespectful and that is what got me thinking about how I want to be addressed.
Well said. I think patience is a must, unless of course disrespect is there then we have a problem!
I would just try being very agreeable and accommodating to their needs at first. Show them positivity and how happy it makes you when they get it right- think of it like classically conditioning a dog or something? lol.
We all need positive reinforcement including those that are not so immediately accepting. Negative attitudes won't get anyone anywhere. Unfortunately you can never count on anyone else to be positive about it, so sometimes you have to take the high road, suck it up, and when you finally both share smiles together the bad moment will be erased from history.
Stay positive, be genuine, and smile a lot. Never forget to thank those that have shown even the slightest amount of acceptance or what they have done for you even if it wasn't much at all. It sounds like they will open up, I think you are definitely on the right track :)
Today I finally got to talk to the director of nurses about having the staff refer to me as Beth and use the pronouns that go along with said name. He told me that once I legally change my name they will have no choice in the matter. So I asked him where does that leave me when I go full time if I haven't changed my name by then? his reply was "We'll cross that bridge when we get to it." So in the mean time I'm stuck hearing them call me by my birth name. I'm tempted to get the ombudsman involved but that might make waves that I can't handle yet. So I'll just put up with it for now and see where it goes. I'm hoping that the people working here that consider me their friend will call me Beth but for now I won't push it.
Now I have a question. In the state of Massachusetts does one need full SRS to obtain female status? The reason I ask is because I'm not planning on full SRS just an orchi.
Have you checked our Wiki? This is from the Legal section: http://susans.org/wiki/Category:Documentation_changes (http://susans.org/wiki/Category:Documentation_changes)
Thank you Devlyn, I had not looked through all of the wiki, and still haven't. So much information to absorb with all of this.
Oh wow... What a great topic.
I think to be honest we have to bear in mind that most other people don't share our reality, they probably never get misgendered or have had to struggle to establish their gender identity. Therefore it can be difficult for them to understand the discomfort it causes or the implications involved.
I'm also a believer in having to choose your battles, otherwise you're just going to end up getting stressed out and upset over all the negative stuff.
Quite often I will let it go. Usually people slip up unintentionally.
When I decide not to let it go I will usually try and get them to use first names as in 'My name is Stella, your name is...?' This way you can turn a potential conflict into something more positive.
I admit that sometimes I have made an issue of it, usually when I've pointed it out two or three times without any effect. A plumber who insisted on calling me 'mate' in my home was told to leave and I have made a complaint when it's happened in a supermarket or petrol station. This is usually when it's happened and I'm in front of a queue of people.
I have also been given the same line as what Bethany Dawn posted in her Facebook response. My response to this would be 'So if a friend has a baby how much time would you need to adjust to accepting the sex of the baby?'
One of the biggest lessons in my transition was learning that, in choosing to reject the comfort of male social privilege in order to live as a woman full time, learning to accept discrimination in subtle forms and totally ignore it or discount it is part of what being a woman is all about.
Remember, there is also no reason YOU need to address THEM correctly either eh.
I'd start calling them incorrectly, and give them names of the wrong gender and address them as if they were the opposite as well.
Shove it in their face to either do it freely willingly and for the right reasons, or it's war.
I wouldn't put up with crap like that, and I wouldn't expect anyone else to do so as well.
Just tell them for instance that barring any real reason, you might even treat them as if they were all homosexual as well.
People need to get over the idea that we can't fight back. They need to deal with the truth, we can be just as mean as they can be.
Quote from: Lesley_Roberta on March 24, 2013, 09:38:02 PM\
People need to get over the idea that we can't fight back. They need to deal with the truth, we can be just as mean as they can be.
Hmmm... yeah... I'm not so sure how far that would get me ;)
We have plenty of ways of fighting back. #1 is simply existing / being present. I feel like as years go by, society as a whole is becoming much more tolerant / respectful to transgender people. If you ask me, being mean is kind of a setback. For certain people I think it might be the only option if they are just not receptive at all, but I would use it as a last resort. Still haven't had to go there yet :D and I don't plan on it
Well as the hugs threads shows, it's better to be nice, than not.
But really sometimes you will meet people so dedicated to hate that they need to seriously see what they are giving out, and be shown precisely how it feels.
I'd rather respond with 'hello mam' to 'hello sir', but I don't mind it when a total stranger just doesn't know I am not a sir.
When the person has been told and told and told again, and is around you all day long and simple plans to ignore your needs, then screw there too.
Quote from: Lesley_Roberta on March 24, 2013, 09:38:02 PM
Remember, there is also no reason YOU need to address THEM correctly either eh.
I'd start calling them incorrectly, and give them names of the wrong gender and address them as if they were the opposite as well.
LOL I had actually thought of doing just that, but I was brought up to show respect to others and take the high road. What I will start doing, is stop responding to my birth name.
Failing to respond to anything but YOUR name would be the Ghandi approach :) It's not mean or rude or disrespectful, it's just a refusal to cooperate.
Sorry I didn't hear you call me, so how was I suppose to know you were talking to me?
But I did? I called your name.
Hmm last I checked, that wasn't my name. And I would know my own name eh.
Quote from: Bethany Dawn on March 25, 2013, 10:08:15 AM
LOL I had actually thought of doing just that, but I was brought up to show respect to others and take the high road. What I will start doing, is stop responding to my birth name.
I think most people are brought up to show respect to others and take the high road, but it doesn't stop them from taking offense when they're addressed inappropriately.
I think the key to these sorts of situations, as with many others, is to be able to walk away leaving other people in no doubt as to who really has the problem or issue, and who hasn't.
I just received a copy of the residents rights of where I live.
"Quality of Life - The facility must care for you in a manner that enhances your quality of life"
"Dignity - The Facility will treat you with dignity and respect in full recognition of your individuality."
I read those two rules as the staff must address me per my wishes.
I talked to the ombudsman today about the home calling me by my birth name and not the name I wish to be addressed as. I also sent out an email to a home that I know is LGBT friendly to see how they would handle the situation. Waiting for a reply from both. I am tired of the home's lack of respect for my wishes. I understand that I am the first trans resident here and that the place needs to get accustomed to that, but at the same time they need to at least make an effort in my eyes. Which they are not.
Quote from: Bethany Dawn on March 10, 2013, 09:31:13 PM
I'm starting to ask the staff where I live to call me by the name I have chosen for myself and the proper pronouns that go with it. I see myself as a woman though I'm not presenting as such right now. I'm more androgynous at the moment. Anyway one aid says to me tonight that I will be a guy in her eyes until I either legaly change my name or have the operation. Grrrr she got under my skin. I told her it all about how I perceive myself. She should have enough respect for that. But no she thinks it's her way or no way. With no regard to what others think.
Tomorrow I'm going to the head of nursing and ask him to inform his staff that from here on out I wish to be called Bethany or Beth, and use the pronouns that go along with those names by staff. I know most of the residents wont understand it and thats fine but the staff should show me the respect that I deserve.
Is it unreasonable to request this?
You have a beard shadow.
You're not presenting female.
You most likely don't have a female voice(or the mannerisms)
You're only TWO months on hrt(???)
I'm assuming you have been working there for a long time as a man..
You want people to see you and address you as a female...?
I'm sorry but keep reading the above over and over and you just might understand.
I dont work here, I live here. I am on a very limited budget. And what exactly is presenting? When you are home how do you dress? Do you wear a skirt and blouse or a dress? or do you put on a comfy pair of shorts and tee shirt or tank top? If it's a bit colder sweatpants and a sweat shirt, maybe a pair of jeans?
Bethany, I understand what you're saying, but =celestica= does have a point: you're not presenting as female at the moment. People gender you on what they see and if this is really important to you, you should think about going full time. That would remove any doubt as to what you want to be gendered as without having to tell anyone. I get gendered female sometimes but I'm pretty andro and people do it and don't even notice. I think it's a pretty subconscious act. For me, I want people to gender me as female without having to tell them. In your case, I do think going full-time will help address your concerns. I mean if you're telling people you're transitioning and stuff, why not? And by full-time I mean wearing female clothes and makeup. Try to cover up your beard shadow and stuff.
Beth's requests and expectations would be unrealistic with persons passing on the street that have no idea who Beth is.
But the people that Beth works with all day long, day after day, they know Beth personally.
Yes Beth has beard shadow. And that is as relevant as a penis and testicles.
Beth has made it known she is Beth.
Short of the people being unfriendly and unwilling, does it need to come to Beth also asking if they are also merely clueless and *&@# stupid as well?
I clearly have to shave. I clearly shave quite close too.
I most definitely don't have a woman's voice.
I suffer male pattern hair loss.
It's not easy to just be female in a male form. And it isn't easy to be male in a female form.
It's like the guys coping with a great set of hooters and not amused to have to cope with having them.
Hey I'd love to have a set of d cups to put in a bra. I think my wife would like a set of D cups herself :)
I think most FTM guys would love to be able to unzip and take a pee casually while walking home from the bar against the wall behind a dumpster. It's a common thing for guys to be able to do.
I don't hold it against people that mistake me for what I look like.
It only pisses me off when I get no cooperation from people that have had it told to them multiple times.
In Beth's position, I'd likely be remarking that my coworkers that were not cooperating, were likely intellectually challenged but termed in a manner a lot nastier than that in all likelihood.
As for presenting on a daily basis.
This is how I present on a daily basis.
I have a shirt on.
It's all I have on.
And if the day passes 80 degrees, I might not have the shirt on.
Past 90 and I might be wearing a wet towel on my shoulders.
Unless I have the advantage of A/C.
Yeah, but naked tends to kill any form of 'passing' as female. The sex organs tend to do that.
But, if people are TOLD specifically and in no vague terms, there is no excuse.
The thing is the beard shadow can be dealt with quite easily. Also, no one sees your junk on a daily basis. I think it's a question of having your cake and eating too, i.e. you want to be addressed as female, but make no effort to look the part.
And I'm not trying to offend everyone, I just think that gendering is a two-way street and if you tell people you want to be gendered as female, you should try to present that way as well. It makes it easier. Now if she is presenting as female and people still gender her as male, that is a different thing completely.
Plus, isn't presenting as female the whole point? Or presenting as male for an FTM? For me, I would want to transition if I was the last person on earth. It's not just about people.
QuotePlus, isn't presenting as female the whole point? Or presenting as male for an FTM?
Isn't the whole point being comfortable with yourself? Again who in their home puts on makeup and dresses up for a night on the town?
Can I look more the part sure if I want to spend money on makeup instead of saving it for electrolysis.
I personally take issue with the idea that Beth has to present as female (beyond her ability right now) in order to be referred to with the name and pronouns that are right for her. People have a right to ask for whatever words they want to be used. Other people don't have to believe us or take us seriously--we're just asking them to change the words that they use. That's simple politeness. I think that what Beth is asking for is especially appropriate given that she plans to transition.
I'm a female-bodied, male(ish)-identified person who is not on HRT, nor do I plan to be. I attempt to present as masculine, feminine, and gender-neutral depending on how I feel. But I look like a girl even when I'm trying to look masculine and I've come to accept that. People on the street will unfortunately almost always misgender me as a woman. Does that mean that I don't have the right to ask for gender-neutral or male pronouns? Am I obligated to dress a particular way because of my identity? I don't think so, and frankly the fear of this mentality--that in order to change my name or pronouns I need to change the way I look to be considered legitimate--is part of the reason I haven't done those things yet.
Beth, I think it's very brave of you to stick up for yourself and tell people what you need from them, especially when you're at a stage where they're more likely to doubt you. I agree that it's about what makes you comfortable. We shouldn't conflate gender presentation with gender identity, even though they usually line up.
I'm sorry if I offended anyone I was just trying to help. I just think you will catch more bees with honey than vinegar. That's it. It was a suggestion.
I'm sorry if my post came off as upset--it wasn't directed at you, Joanna (or anyone else in particular). :) Maybe it's because my avatar is grumpy-looking...
But I totally get where you're coming from, I just wanted to give input from a different angle.
I loveloveLOVE your avatar! it's the coolest, even if he is a lil grumpy lol no worries, BTW.
I think the bottom like is that each and every one of us, because we are civilized humans, are due a level of respect and common courtesy from our fellow beings.
"Sir" and "Ma'am" were courtesies I learned growing up. Just as "please," "thank you," and "you're welcome." If someone asks me to address them in a certain, polite way, I do my best to oblige them. We all should.
Regards,
Miss Manners
Beth, you originally spoke to them last month, they're aware of your transition, aware of your HRT, aware of your choice of name and pronouns. But people are stubborn as mules, it might take awhile for the true skidmarks to come around. Take the good with the bad, and keep working them over with that smile! Hugs, Devlyn
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on April 17, 2013, 05:09:10 PM
Beth, you originally spoke to them last month, they're aware of your transition, aware of your HRT, aware of your choice of name and pronouns. But people are stubborn as mules, it might take awhile for the true skidmarks to come around. Take the good with the bad, and keep working them over with that smile! Hugs, Devlyn
The world(people) don't work that way.
I think it's annoying when trans people think they don't have to do a thing to pass.
YES, of course you have to present the gender you want to be referred as.
I kind of laughed when someone said that wasn't necessary.
Don't complain when you aren't trying.
I've been transitioning for over 2 years and have been on HRT for 1.5 and my family still calls me by my male name and pronouns and even though it does bother me I know it's not my fault.
That's when you can say people are being stubborn.
But Bethany is the stubborn one here.
Quote from: =celestica= on April 17, 2013, 05:15:43 PM
The world(people) don't work that way.
I think it's annoying when trans people think they don't have to do a thing to pass.
YES, of course you have to present the gender you want to be referred as.
I kind of laughed when someone said that wasn't necessary.
Don't complain when you aren't trying.
I've been transitioning for over 2 years and have been on HRT for 1.5 and my family still calls me by my male name and pronouns and even though it does bother me I know it's not my fault.
That's when you can say people are being stubborn.
But Bethany is the stubborn one here.
It's common for youth to feel that they somehow have more life experience than someone more than double their age. But keep waiting, the Maturity Train will be along to pick you up.............one of these days.
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on April 17, 2013, 05:33:56 PM
It's common for youth to feel that they somehow have more life experience than someone more than double their age. But keep waiting, the Maturity Train will be along to pick you up.............one of these days.
Who's the one that lives successfully as female here?
Me. I go to work as Mike, and they call me Devlyn anyway. Hugs, Mike
Yes and no.
I could just not shave as it is a hassle, and a bother.
But come on, nothing says male quite like facial hair.
So I keep it shaved.
I don't own any nice female clothes, yet. But it has not stopped me from embellishing what I have. I have not had the chance to get my ears pierced, but, I have enjoyed wearing my earrings on my shirt collars, and I think it looks really nice actually. That and the necklace do tend to scream out 'not the guy you think I am'.
I carry a purse, and I make no bones about it being one. It's a purse, I am a woman so what is weird about it being a purse and me carrying it essentially being my attitude. People telling me 'guys carry purses too' well whoopdeedoo for them :) I suspect most people think actual men carrying a purse are likely either considered wimps, gay or variations of both. Not a problem for me, as I am not a man eh.
I think over all, you are not required to perform for anyone at all. But you can't expect much enthusiasm with no effort.
I consider going out of the house without having had a bath and washing my hair is more important than wearing a skirt though.
It's just me, I think women smell nice and men are expected to be smelly and sweaty. Stereo types? Likely.
But preconceived notions is what we are dealing with all the time.
How vital it is to look female drives how far some of us will go for that illusion.
In my perfect future, I am not covered in girlie, I am covered in sawdust actually.
I would rather be in a wood shop and not surrounded by people admiring my legs.
I would prefer the only time people saw me at all looking pretty, was maybe once a week out dancing.
But alas, my life is not that way.
Tonight, I will be working on a model, watching TV and not looking one iota female in the process no doubt.
But it's only me in the room.
And I already know I am female in a male form.
It's not like I can hide it from myself.
How people present is unimportant. Accepting yourself is. Transitioning (hate the word) is not how you look or how you present, it is how you accept yourself.
Bethany you may may wish to show it to the staff of your nursing home. I realise you are in a difficult situation in many different respects but you are a woman and a person who has dignity and pride, both of which demand respect.
I shall post this again.
As others have said transgender is not a choice it is part of you, like your skin colour your ethnicity your eye colour. It isn't something you can switch on or off. Though many of us try.
I thought I'd copy this from the Australian sex discrimination laws, some of the best in the world, but it states what Australian law considers a legal transgender person, they are copied from www.gendercentre.org.au (http://www.gendercentre.org.au) and excellent resource for transgender people.
Who is counted as transgender under anti-discrimination law?
If you live, have lived, or want to live as a member of the opposite gender (sex) to your birth gender, the anti-discrimination law counts you as transgender. This means you are legally counted as transgender if:
· you want to live as a member of your preferred gender (the opposite gender to your birth gender);
· you are in the process of changing over to your preferred gender;
· you live as a member of your preferred gender;
· you have lived as a member of your preferred gender in the past; or
· you are intersexual (born with indeterminate sex, for example, with sexual parts of both sexes) and you live as a member of your preferred gender.
You do not have to have had any sex-change or other surgery. You do not have to have taken any hormones in the past or be taking them now. It does not matter what your gender was at birth.
It does not matter which gender is your preferred gender. It does not matter why you are transgender. It does not matter how you describe or label yourself (for example, as transgender, ->-bleeped-<-, transsexual or something else).
What matters is how you live and behave, or how you want to live and behave. If you fit any one of the "rules" listed above, then the anti-discrimination law counts you as transgender.
No where in this does it mention what you look like.
No where in this does it mention how you sound.
Your sex and your gender are in your brain, they sit next to your dignity.
Just my thoughts.
Cindy
Quote from: =celestica= on April 17, 2013, 05:15:43 PM
The world(people) don't work that way.
I think it's annoying when trans people think they don't have to do a thing to pass.
YES, of course you have to present the gender you want to be referred as.
I kind of laughed when someone said that wasn't necessary.
Don't complain when you aren't trying.
I've been transitioning for over 2 years and have been on HRT for 1.5 and my family still calls me by my male name and pronouns and even though it does bother me I know it's not my fault.
That's when you can say people are being stubborn.
But Bethany is the stubborn one here.
Yes I am stubborn, I am fighting for what I think is right. I am the first transgendered person who has lived in this nursing home. I have people who work here who are on my side in this argument. They see it as a respect and dignity issue, as do I.
Quote from: Cindy James on April 17, 2013, 06:21:45 PM
How people present is unimportant. Accepting yourself is. Transitioning (hate the word) is not how you look or how you present, it is how you accept yourself.
Bethany you may may wish to show it to the staff of your nursing home. I realise you are in a difficult situation in many different respects but you are a woman and a person who has dignity and pride, both of which demand respect.
I shall post this again.
As others have said transgender is not a choice it is part of you, like your skin colour your ethnicity your eye colour. It isn't something you can switch on or off. Though many of us try.
I thought I'd copy this from the Australian sex discrimination laws, some of the best in the world, but it states what Australian law considers a legal transgender person, they are copied from www.gendercentre.org.au (http://www.gendercentre.org.au) and excellent resource for transgender people.
Who is counted as transgender under anti-discrimination law?
If you live, have lived, or want to live as a member of the opposite gender (sex) to your birth gender, the anti-discrimination law counts you as transgender. This means you are legally counted as transgender if:
· you want to live as a member of your preferred gender (the opposite gender to your birth gender);
· you are in the process of changing over to your preferred gender;
· you live as a member of your preferred gender;
· you have lived as a member of your preferred gender in the past; or
· you are intersexual (born with indeterminate sex, for example, with sexual parts of both sexes) and you live as a member of your preferred gender.
You do not have to have had any sex-change or other surgery. You do not have to have taken any hormones in the past or be taking them now. It does not matter what your gender was at birth.
It does not matter which gender is your preferred gender. It does not matter why you are transgender. It does not matter how you describe or label yourself (for example, as transgender, ->-bleeped-<-, transsexual or something else).
What matters is how you live and behave, or how you want to live and behave. If you fit any one of the "rules" listed above, then the anti-discrimination law counts you as transgender.
No where in this does it mention what you look like.
No where in this does it mention how you sound.
Your sex and your gender are in your brain, they sit next to your dignity.
Just my thoughts.
Cindy
Thank you Cindy, I will show them that if I need to.
Quote from: Joanna Dark on April 17, 2013, 04:32:34 PM
I'm sorry if I offended anyone I was just trying to help. I just think you will catch more bees with honey than vinegar. That's it. It was a suggestion.
Joanna, no worries at all I don't get offended very easy. And when I do it's because of someone being ignorant and unwilling to listen to a different side of a discussion than their point of view. You made valid points here and I respect that.
I know I might be pushing things to fast but that is only because I feel uncomfortable hearing my birth name and male pronouns when being spoken to or about.
I know people must be getting tired of me posting about getting upset over people calling me by my birth name and using what I think to be improper pronouns. So if you are, stop reading and hit the back button.
Starting a rant now.
Today I got called in by the administrator to have a conversation about where the home stands on this issue. Here is what she told me. "That there may be people working here that are uncomfortable with me transitioning. That I am one of sixty people, and they have to treat everyone equally." So far I'm fine with that but she went on to say that (and this is where I get confused as this makes no sense to me what so ever.) "That they will get confused" (Who They? The workers or the other residents?) And then she implied that if I get called by a preferred name that the level of care will somehow go down for the other residents. (Really how so?) Oh Plus she was kinda upset that I had brought the ombudsman in on this. She is doing some research to see how other places would handle this situation.
After she was done talking I told her that I don't agree where the home stands on this but respect it. Oh I will and have continued this fight.
When I got back to my room I looked up some things on the web regarding residents' rights and the topic of providing transgender inclusive healthcare services.
I found an excelent site that has a large pdf file about this subject. (found here http://www.plannedparenthood.org/ppsfl/files/Southern%20Finger%20Lakes/Providing_Transgender_Inclusive_Healthcare_Handbook.pdf (http://www.plannedparenthood.org/ppsfl/files/Southern%20Finger%20Lakes/Providing_Transgender_Inclusive_Healthcare_Handbook.pdf)
I read through it and found it fitting for my situation. I downloaded it and than emailed it to the adminastrator, the social worker, the director of nurses, and the admissions coodinator. Along with the following message.
QuoteThe attached file is titled Providing Transgender Inclusive Health Care Handbook. I would like for you to take the time to read through it. It discusses many topics that may be faced in the future. And I feel this could be a good learning tool for the home.
On the bottom page 6 of this document it explains the use of preferred names over legal names very well.
In the middle of page 7 it covers the use of pronouns.
My reasoning for talking to the ombudsman was to find out how other facilities would or how they are handling a situation like this. So that the home could use that as a model.
Thank you for your time,
Bethany Dawn
P.S.
I wont sign my legal name to my email any more.
8 months into HRT and I am still fighting this. The good news is my name change should be legal within a few weeks now. Can't wait for that!!!
Big hug! This is why we always talk about little steps and patience. You're getting there, hon! Hugs, Devlyn
"I know people must be getting tired of me posting about getting upset over people calling me by my birth name and using what I think to be improper pronouns."
Doesn't bother me in the slightest Bethany, post EVERY time you are upset, I'm ok providing an ear (or eyes in this case) when you need to vent.
I've known the feeling of needing to vent.
I'd just like to point out that even I have slip ups with trans people that don't present as their target gender. And by presenting I mean making very little change to anything that would have the outside world (strangers) to perceive you as female in spirit.
We can make the argument all day long that cis people do boy stuff and blah blah blah, but many of us have no chance of being perceived the part by doing boy stuff while cis people have the "privilege" (for lack of a better word) to generally still be perceived as their gender.
It is what it is.
I think its great you're fighting so hard for what you believe in Beth. You are a woman and deserve the respect to be called what you wish. To me when people deliberately ignore it (my name is legally changed and they still ignore it) it says they dont respect me. Cant believe how long they've been acting this way about it. Honestly it'd be easier for them if they just did what you wanted and you'd get off their backs about it. Why does it matter if other people 'get confused'? So its ok to disrespect you for their benefit? Everyone deserves respect and your wellbeing shouldnt come after their 'confusion'. Seems like they're just being stubborn and trying to find any excuse as to why they cant do what you're asking
Its not even for just within the home, if you can open their eyes a bit it can have influences upon their outsides lives as well and how they may interact with others too. If you can get them to change their viewpoint it'll of course benefit you but it could help other people as well to be treated more respectfully
I hope your legal name change will help you get this sorted out at least if they cant handle a 'known as' name. I get using it for legal reasons on legal documents and such but being called your preferred name around the house isnt much to ask for really. I hope things work out for you in the end. Its been a long time but I hope it will be worth the wait
Quote from: Alainaluvsu on October 05, 2013, 11:28:46 AM
I'd just like to point out that even I have slip ups with trans people that don't present as their target gender. And by presenting I mean making very little change to anything that would have the outside world (strangers) to perceive you as female in spirit.
A slip is one thing; but management is not allowing the rest of the staff to call me Beth. Once my name is legal; which should be this coming week. They have no choice but to call me Beth.
Quote from: Leo. on October 05, 2013, 12:53:47 PM
I think its great you're fighting so hard for what you believe in Beth. You are a woman and deserve the respect to be called what you wish. To me when people deliberately ignore it (my name is legally changed and they still ignore it) it says they don't respect me. Cant believe how long they've been acting this way about it. Honestly it'd be easier for them if they just did what you wanted and you'd get off their backs about it. Why does it matter if other people 'get confused'? So its ok to disrespect you for their benefit? Everyone deserves respect and your wellbeing shouldn't come after their 'confusion'. Seems like they're just being stubborn and trying to find any excuse as to why they cant do what you're asking
Its not even for just within the home, if you can open their eyes a bit it can have influences upon their outsides lives as well and how they may interact with others too. If you can get them to change their viewpoint it'll of course benefit you but it could help other people as well to be treated more respectfully
I hope your legal name change will help you get this sorted out at least if they cant handle a 'known as' name. I get using it for legal reasons on legal documents and such but being called your preferred name around the house isn't much to ask for really. I hope things work out for you in the end. Its been a long time but I hope it will be worth the wait
Thank you Leo, I hope my fight makes it easier for the next person who comes to live here. If not then this fight was all in vain.
Today the nursing home held an inservice for all staff. They invited a gentleman from Fenway health to run it. As of today staff are to call me by my prefered name of Beth or Bethany and use the female pronouns. It stinks that it took this day so long to arrive but it finally did!
Now I am just waiting on the court to finish with their part to make my name legal.
Yay Bethany! Let's not worry about those days, today is the only one that matters now! Victory! Hugs, Devlyn
Awesome.
I've been following this thread for some time, but didn't have any valid insight to contribute, so I've been waiting for this...
CONGRATULATIONS, Beth!!!! :)
The best part is: You won, completely. Before the name change was official. Way to go!
GREAT NEWS BETH!!! :eusa_dance: :icon_dance: :icon_bumdance-nerd: :icon_booty-nerd: :icon_geekdance: :icon_joy:
Amy
Great to hear Beth :) Your fight was worth it in the end. Maybe it will open their eyes to consider people's feelings and wants more than they apparently did. Even better you didnt have to wait until the official name change and can get the benefits of it now. Hopefully the other residents follow suit with the staff and do the same. Its worth being persistant to get to where you need to be
Glad you finally got the result you've been waiting for
Yay for Bethany!
:)
Thank you everyone. It was well worth the fight.
Quote from: Leo. on October 15, 2013, 05:06:21 PM
Hopefully the other residents follow suit with the staff and do the same. Its worth being persistant to get to where you need to be
Glad you finally got the result you've been waiting for
That would be great and a few already do call me Beth but I don't expect it from most of the residents. There are a lot that have dementia, so that would be asking to much from them.