What are your ladies take on not telling your husband you were born transgender? I rather say I was born with testicles instead of ovaries or something to that nature. I feel it's less of a shock than saying you used to live your life as a boy. I plan on telling my future husband that although I had some issues, I always lived my life female since birth. Something similar to a hermaphrodite although I wouldn't say I was one because I've seen some photos and it looks even worse than being a post op transwoman haha.
For me, I don't know how I could possible make someone my soulmate who doesn't know such a formative detail about my past. I'd also be terrified that some family member would let something slip.
How could another human being understand why having breasts and a VJ is so amazing without knowing that I transitioned? I wouldn't want to hide feelings from my soulmate. That's what a soulmate is for - to share the joys and trials, right?
True but I don't want my spouse to sometimes wonder and picture me as a boy....
I can't imagine how keeping that kind if info from a future partner as ever going to end well when (not if) they find out the truth of the matter...
I would want my partner to love me for exactly who I am. Basing the most important relationship of one's life upon false pretenses will only make things stressful forever. I could not imagine never truly being able to Jillax around my partner.
Seriously, there are guys out there that don't mind who aren't actually ->-bleeped-<-s.
I look at it this way. Girls who had abortions, been raped, have slept with countless men, were prostitutes etc dont share ALL their past with their partner. Same with men. I doubt a man will tell you how many girls he has been with, or cheated on.
Yea but lets be honest, majority of men don't look past that and give you a chance. They automatically label you a ->-bleeped-<-. I feel like it would just be easier to say something else. I want my man to love me as a woman, not anything else.
I have been married for over 20 years. One of the reasons is that we don't keep secrets. We are entitled to our sordid pasts, and what happened before, happened before. Our pasts, the good, the bad and the ugly are what made us who we are today.
The thing is that eventually when a thing like "I have a Y chromosome, and that's why I can't have your child." comes out (and it will), it won't end well. Women get beaten, maimed or killed for this all the time. If you're lucky, it just gets used against you when your marriage gets annulled.
Being trans is nothing to be ashamed of. Be proud of what you've accomplished and overcome. Having a partner to share that with is truly priceless. Who wants to spend their life hiding from someone who could turn out to be a transphobic bigot anyway?
I'm not saying I am ashamed but I want someone to get to know me for my personality. We all know that 95% of men hear "I was born a boy" or "transgender" and its an automatic roadblock. Eventually down the line if someone loves you they will stay
Quote from: nicolegn7 on October 13, 2014, 10:32:23 AM
I'm not saying I am ashamed but I want someone to get to know me for my personality. We all know that 95% of men hear "I was born a boy" or "transgender" and its an automatic roadblock. Eventually down the line if someone loves you they will stay
it comes down to the fact that its your life and really you can do what you want , just be able to accept any internal mental or external physical consequences of the path you take. Personally my personality is based on being what I am, just your average sort of transgender.
I can only say if it were me I would not tell him. Nature cheated us from the start, don't cheat yourself out of being happy if you can.
Quote from: nicolegn7 on October 13, 2014, 10:12:21 AM
Yea but lets be honest, majority of men don't look past that and give you a chance. They automatically label you a ->-bleeped-<-.
Simple question is Would you want a man like that? I can understand your desire to forget what's past and be treated with respect for being the woman you are but if or when the secret emerges then how hurt will your husband be?
You want a good loving man yet you plan to hide something like this? The question of when to tell a future partner isn't easily answered but if it gets as far as a long term relationship then I think honesty is the best policy. We all have the right to be treated with respect and to expect our life partner will above all be completely honest and faithful, Anything else just is unacceptable. A good man will maybe not understand at first but that is a way to learn just how good they really are, You have little chance of keeping him if you lie and it comes out later.
I hope when the time comes you find the man you seek and he understands.
Good Luck
Sorcha ;D
Quote from: nicolegn7 on October 13, 2014, 10:32:23 AM
I'm not saying I am ashamed but I want someone to get to know me for my personality. We all know that 95% of men hear "I was born a boy" or "transgender" and its an automatic roadblock. Eventually down the line if someone loves you they will stay
I totally get where you're coming from, since I have "passing privilege" Really don't like saying that but dunno how else to put it. I don't disclose right away since I'm just getting to know them. If things progress to the point that it might become more serious then that's when I tell them. I really don't see the point in disclosing to a stranger I barely even know. The only way for me to be "out" is to have a sign around my neck 24/7 saying I'm trans otherwise people wouldn't know lol. Like I have friends that don't know I'm trans cause I haven't the had opportunity to tell them. That's not a topic that I can sum up in a few sentences. I believe there's a time and place for everything. So to sum this up, I'm not ashamed to be trans but I'm one of the few lucky ones that doesn't have to deal with being clocked since I have no physical male cues that give it away, so I disclose when I feel ready to do so.
I am not a big fan of lying, but alot can be explained as fixing a IS condition or hysto with other complications.
But a lie will always follow your conscious.
Be honest.
Quote from: mrs izzy on October 13, 2014, 06:18:44 PM
I am not a big fan of lying, but alot can be explained as fixing a IS condition or hysto with other complications.
But a lie will always follow your conscious.
Be honest.
I agree with this 100% you may not have to tell them right away when dating, but when you get down to a sexual act you need to be honest, not just for your safety, but for the safety of your relationship. Many marriages break up when it comes to a lack of transparency. A girl may not tell a man the details that she was a prostitute, but if she never told him that is a MAJOR problem. Not only does it mean that the girl may have a shady past with possible dangerous people involved, it also means she could harbor a variety of mental ailments or even things like syphillis. There are a lot of guys who won't want to marry a girl who used to be a prostitute, there are a lot of guys who dont want to marry a girl who used to do drugs, and there are guys who don't want to marry a girl because she used to be a boy. Thats why honesty is the best policy in my opinion.
Someone should love you for all of your faults as much as they do for your strengths.
I'm not transgender, but am a long time cross dresser. My story is a long and complicated one or maybe not so complicated. I have adult children and a long term SO none of who know, in other words I have spent many decades in the closet.
You need to follow your conscience on the decision to tell your husband now. If you love your husband and want to build a life together then follow your heart, but be ready for the consequence of your decision.
I believe that my family loves me for who I am, even if they don't know every facet of my internal being. Your past male life is a part of the you that your husband loves because it made you into the person that he loves today whether he knows it or not.
For me the bigger question is did you talk about children before you got married and if so did you tell him then that you could not conceive. As for the rest of us, we should only be nonjudgmental sounding boards for you since this is a deeply personal issue between a husband and a wife.
Quote from: nicolegn7 on October 13, 2014, 10:11:08 AM
I look at it this way. Girls who had abortions, been raped, have slept with countless men, were prostitutes etc dont share ALL their past with their partner. Same with men. I doubt a man will tell you how many girls he has been with, or cheated on.
My wife told me about all of her past partners. Including the one she had two kids with. Early on when we were dating, not after we got married. The trust from early disclosure is priceless. We grew stronger because of it.
There are men who also knew their partners were prostitutes and to them it doesn't matter.
Men? I told my wife about my ex's. We even met up a couple of them and had dinner. It was a grand old time. I even met my old in laws the other day. It was fine. This is possible due to trust.
I don't see this fascination with hiding your past which will come back to haunt you in the future anyway. Yes you were born with the wrong body. You fixed it. Good. Your soul mate should know this. Stealth to the world is one thing. I don't think there should ever be stealth to your husband.
Quote from: nicolegn7 on October 13, 2014, 10:12:21 AM
Yea but lets be honest, majority of men don't look past that and give you a chance. They automatically label you a ->-bleeped-<-. I feel like it would just be easier to say something else. I want my man to love me as a woman, not anything else.
I understand where you are coming from, honestly I do. I tried a similar approach with a female partner, deciding I'd let her get to know me first before I told her I had a trans history (this was about 7 years after I detransitioned from my first attempt). We we're a pretty good couple, or so I thought - as soon as I told her though things changed and not in a good way. The number one thing she said was "it's like I don't even know you". And of course she didn't because I had white lied and tippy toed around the truth for the six months we had been together - no amount of her "knowing me" made a difference. The relationship lasted a few more months and that was that, largely because she couldn't get over it. What you really need to know about anyone you're going to hook up with is if they're going to be fine with you regardless, otherwise when they find out (and they will, one way or another) it may end very badly.
There is a good chance the guy will feel like you were dishonest with him if you wait very long. Then he will start questioning himself, wonder what else you may have hid, etc. I cherish the fact that my S.O. knows everything about me and still loves me more than anything. I'm sick of secrets in my life and I will never again have someone close to me in my life that I have to keep secrets from. It makes for a very stressful life.
Quote from: Samantha007 on October 14, 2014, 05:24:11 AM
I agree with you for the most part, but when you are post op, it's a TOTALLY DIFFERENT STORY.
I am assuming you are pre-op/ non-op, since you've just started HRT. in which case you have no option but to tell guys ;otherwise, they will see it in bed. When you are post-op, you have that choice not to tell them (if you are 100% passable and have a 100% fawless feminine body with curves, etc).
Plus, guys who go for pre-ops are totally different to guys who are into gg women. For the most part, the first tend to be ->-bleeped-<- ->-bleeped-<-s who tend to be gay/ bisexual guys who adore penis. Sorry to be so bunt; I was pre-op for years, and I experienced this first hand. Guys who like post-op's are rare. If you are lucky t be accepted by an pen minded straight guy for being post-op then that's the best option in my view.
By the simple fact, nicolegn7 wants tnicolegn7 have srs, means she wants guys to perceive her as a total regular woman. Having said that, I do not advocate being with a guy for a long time and not telling them. It is very hard to come out after undergoing such a life changing surgery but it's better than creating a time bomb.
hugs,
Samantha x
I totaly agree with you about men who love t girls love the penis...its the truth. I dont mind telling a guy but not until he gets to know me for me first. I want to be with a man who is into cis women with vaginas....I know I wont be 100% woman ever but ill be as close as I can to it with my srs.
Quote from: nicolegn7 on October 14, 2014, 09:51:27 AM
I totaly agree with you about men who love t girls love the penis...its the truth. I dont mind telling a guy but not until he gets to know me for me first. I want to be with a man who is into cis women with vaginas....I know I wont be 100% woman ever but ill be as close as I can to it with my srs.
Having never wanted a man I can only go on opinion and experience of trying to convince cis women that I'm a woman. Anyone who's tried to convince a lesbian to ignore what genitals they have and love them for who they really are will know your pain. I think you're likely right that mostly men who are sexually into T girls are into the male genitals. There are however some people who love you for who you really are, I think it's all down to how important sex is to them.
Once you're post op I know it will be allot easier to find a straight man and your past will be allot less important. I cannot wait to not have a giveaway lurking in my knickers even though my partner knows about me. I hope you find a nice man and that you know instinctively when the right time to share is
Good Luck
Sorcha ;D
Touchy subject, the question you have to ask yourself is how hurt would your partner be if he found out by accident? You would have to leave family and friends behind to avoid him finding out by accident.
Finding out that way would be 10 times worse than telling him up front.
It's about trust and respect.
Alice
xx
If you are both in love it shouldn't matter. But being truthful with each other always matters. If you don't tell them and they find out later on their own, you are done.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=31iS5eqL-Aw
Trans reference around 1:50.
Quote from: Samantha007 on October 14, 2014, 05:24:11 AM
I agree with you for the most part, but when you are post op, it's a TOTALLY DIFFERENT STORY.
I am assuming you are pre-op/ non-op, since you've just started HRT. in which case you have no option but to tell guys ;otherwise, they will see it in bed. When you are post-op, you have that choice not to tell them (if you are 100% passable and have a 100% fawless feminine body with curves, etc).
Plus, guys who go for pre-ops are totally different to guys who are into gg women. For the most part, the first tend to be ->-bleeped-<- ->-bleeped-<-s who tend to be gay/ bisexual guys who adore penis. Sorry to be so blunt; I was pre-op for years, and I experienced this first hand. Guys who like post-op's are rare. If you are lucky t be accepted by an pen minded straight guy for being post-op then that's the best option in my view.
By the simple fact, nicolegn7 wants to have srs, means she wants guys to perceive her as a total regular woman. Having said that, I do not advocate being with a guy for a long time and not telling them. It is very hard to come out after undergoing such a life changing surgery but it's better than creating a time bomb.
hugs,
Samantha x
I totally understand where you are coming from. I don't see it as a RIGHT/WRONG issue, just adding a point of view since that's what the OP asked for. There are pros and cons either way just keep in mind that a lot of society justifies violence against trans women for things like this which is of course WRONG. Be careful sweetie and I wish you happiness in whatever you decide is best for you.
In love the three most important things are: honesty, honesty, and honesty....
If he leaves you just because you are transgender, then well, who wants such a superficial guy any way....
there are plenty of good guys out there...
Quote from: peky on October 14, 2014, 07:58:30 PM
In love the three most important things are: honesty, honesty, and honesty....
If he leaves you just because you are transgender, then well, who wants such a superficial guy any way....
there are plenty of good guys out there...
Yes! And there ARE plenty of good guys out there.
Quote from: Susan on October 14, 2014, 04:37:57 PM
If you are both in love it shouldn't matter. But being truthful with each other always matters. If you don't tell them and they find out later on their own, you are done.
That is very true Susan, but not early in a relationship, seeing how a relationship develops, then if it leads to long term relationship and commitment, well disclosue has to be faced.
When is the right time to tell, only ourselves know that, I was wrestling with this decision for months, ''when do I tell him'' if at all, why fix something that's not broken, he only ever knew me as a woman, then a marriage proposal, we where getting engaged, it was time to disclose. It was a big gamble.
He didn't freak out, but was shocked and surprise, I was lucky it worked out and we eventually got married.
Now he knows my history, but he doesn't want to disclose to anybody, which is understandable, his family has no idea, I don't think he could handle the pressure or the ridicule he would receive from people, that his wife was born a man.
He just wants to move on with life, and so do I, as a normal husband and housewife. I'm now just a woman with a distance history, I'm glad he knows, I never have to worry about it again.
I've gone to great lengths to erase my past entirely from existence. I will continue until I have the face of another person (still me) and will be entirely unrecognizable. I will not live another day of my life as a ->-bleeped-<-, except the days I still have to (living with people who know that about me, eg quite a few of my current neighborsbecause tthey like to gossip)
Being a ->-bleeped-<- (I use that word to describe my feeling about it) wasn't fun, now it feels like a gray nightmare where nothing is immediately threatening you but everything is bleak and it just drags on and on. And it's still going on until I'm done. But the biggest parts are now over. More so for the years I lived as a boy except I don't really remember them. I'm very good at forgetting things. Luckily... if I did tell me next partner, he'd have more made up memories in his head about me as a boy than I would have actual memories. especially since I've been on and off living as a girl or at least an extremely feminine boy since age.7. It just took me too long to start living it 24/7 do how does it make sense to tell your partner something they'll never understand and then spend your entire life wondering how often a picture of you with balls pop into their head and looking for signs if he's looking at your chin or upper lip often enough that you know he's looking for proof.. that's no way to live.
My ex of several years knew and he always told me he never saw me as anything but a female, that it was clear I was a girl. It was still an issue fitfor me at times but it's not like it could have not been an issue since we had sex and I was pre op.
Now I do have that option and if I don't take it then why did I get the operation?
I was never a ->-bleeped-<- in my mind and I refuse to be it in anyone else's. I've spent years spreading wrong information about myself and most people from my past (the last 7 years at least) think I'm a biological girl. And on top of that I'm removing any connection to my old life. I don't have much family left and the little I'd ever see them, living in different continents and all, would pose no danger. They'd never let anything slip anyway.
I'll lie because the truth is not actually true at all, and the lie is a lot closer to who I really am.
I don't have a victim complex. I suffered horribly. Excruciatingly. It's almost over. I'll never bring it up. He (once I'm not single) will hold me and comfort me because he loves me and sees I'm sad. I don't think I'll ever be sad because of these things anyway. I don't live in the past, I'm who I am in this moment and not someone else. I have seen pictures of myself and nitnot recognized myself. Others have seen pictures of me and not recognized me. I've sat face to face with ppl from earlier in my life who didn't recognize me. AndiI never gave the slightest hint I knew them. And they never figured it out. To claim that I'm somehow the person I used to be is ridiculous, considering for the most part I don't even remember who I used to be :D I mean I don't even remember how I used to look a few years ago...as a girl. :D
Quote from: pretty pauline on October 16, 2014, 05:28:01 PM
That is very true Susan, but not early in a relationship, seeing how a relationship develops, then if it leads to long term relationship and commitment, well disclosue has to be faced.
When is the right time to tell, only ourselves know that, I was wrestling with this decision for months, ''when do I tell him'' if at all, why fix something that's not broken, he only ever knew me as a woman, then a marriage proposal, we where getting engaged, it was time to disclose. It was a big gamble.
Yes, you are a woman (or a man); but this was a pretty big birth defect you had corrected.
The time to disclose is before you both are sexually intimate for the first time, and I don't mean as he (or she) is getting undressed to do the deed. When you make the decision to be intimate then you should seriously consider telling them.
Both parties have the right to know, and you as a couple should make the fully informed choice or decision to have a life together. You should know if they have been in prison; convicted or suspected of a serious crime; had or has a STD disease; genetic, mental, or medical problems; major surgeries; potentially embarrassing things that you may find out about later, etc.
Then when someone comes and tries to out you, and it will eventually happen intentionally or otherwise, you don't have to deal with the aftermath and the recriminations; "Why didn't you trust me!", "Don't you love me enough to tell me", "What else are you hiding from me", etc. Once a relationship is broken in this manner it's almost impossible to ever recover.
What is not a secret can't be used to hurt you or them. "Did you know...." They can respond immediately "Oh she (or he) told me about it years ago, it's not that big of a deal." It takes the barb off the spear.
Put the cards on the table. If they are the person for you then it won't matter.
Quote from: nicolegn7 on October 13, 2014, 03:19:41 AM
What are your ladies take on not telling your husband you were born transgender? I rather say I was born with testicles instead of ovaries or something to that nature. I feel it's less of a shock than saying you used to live your life as a boy. I plan on telling my future husband that although I had some issues, I always lived my life female since birth. Something similar to a hermaphrodite although I wouldn't say I was one because I've seen some photos and it looks even worse than being a post op transwoman haha.
I have no words... sorry.
Quote from: Susan on October 18, 2014, 02:13:01 PM
Yes, you are a woman (or a man); but this was a pretty big birth defect you had corrected.
The time to disclose is before you both are sexually intimate for the first time, and I don't mean as he (or she) is getting undressed to do the deed. When you make the decision to be intimate then you should seriously consider telling them.
Both parties have the right to know, and you as a couple should make the fully informed choice or decision to have a life together. You should know if they have been in prison; convicted or suspected of a serious crime; had or has a STD disease; genetic, mental, or medical problems; major surgeries; potentially embarrassing things that you may find out about later, etc.
Then when someone comes and tries to out you, and it will eventually happen intentionally or otherwise, you don't have to deal with the aftermath and the recriminations; "Why didn't you trust me!", "Don't you love me enough to tell me", "What else are you hiding from me", etc. Once a relationship is broken in this manner it's almost impossible to ever recover.
What is not a secret can't be used to hurt you or them. "Did you know...." They can respond immediately "Oh she (or he) told me about it years ago, it's not that big of a deal." It takes the barb off the spear.
Put the cards on the table. If they are the person for you then it won't matter.
You mean to say there are people who don't have sex the first time they meet and still end up together? I've never had a relationship that didn't start with sex on day 1 and I've been in a relationship longer than I've been single and my longest relationship was 4 years. So I should tell ppl on day 1? Now that I'm finally fixed and there's nothing to tell.(once the scars fade r enough. And there's always the lies about hysterectomy or a bicycle/car accident/whatever to explain it away)
We create our own realities. A lie strong enough becomes the truth if you never ever own up to anything else. It's easy to make the puddle people telling the truth seem like liars. Petty liars. And your spouse has an incentive to believe you and not to believe them.
If I met the perfect person, disease free and not on anyone's watch list, would I want to know he stole a car or smoked a joint when he was 16? Or killed a person in self defence? (The latter would actually worry me the least) Would I want that to tarnish our relationship if he was a completely different person now? NO.
I don't need to accept, forgive or understand transgressions that weren't done to me personally. It doesn't matter.
Quote from: nicolegn7 on October 13, 2014, 03:19:41 AM
What are your ladies take on not telling your husband you were born transgender? I rather say I was born with testicles instead of ovaries or something to that nature. I feel it's less of a shock than saying you used to live your life as a boy. I plan on telling my future husband that although I had some issues, I always lived my life female since birth. Something similar to a hermaphrodite although I wouldn't say I was one because I've seen some photos and it looks even worse than being a post op transwoman haha.
I completely understand where you're coming from. I'm not yet sure what I'll say but you're right. There's no way I'll say I used to live as a boy. And what boy dresses up in his mother's skirts, tries in lipstick at age 7 and spends all his third grade in elementary school making friendship bracelets? Is that what people imagine when you tell them you used to live as a boy? No. Sothe truth would not actually be perceived as truthfully at all. It would be perceived as something that was never true. So the truth would be just another lie...
Quote from: butterflies on October 18, 2014, 03:12:45 PM
You mean to say there are people who don't have sex the first time they meet and still end up together? I've never had a relationship that didn't start with sex on day 1 and I've been in a relationship longer than I've been single and my longest relationship was 4 years. So I should tell ppl on day 1? Now that I'm finally fixed and there's nothing to tell.(once the scars fade r enough. And there's always the lies about hysterectomy or a bicycle/car accident/whatever to explain it away)
We create our own realities. A lie strong enough becomes the truth if you never ever own up to anything else. It's easy to make the puddle people telling the truth seem like liars. Petty liars. And your spouse has an incentive to believe you and not to believe them.
If I met the perfect person, disease free and not on anyone's watch list, would I want to know he stole a car or smoked a joint when he was 16? Or killed a person in self defence? (The latter would actually worry me the least) Would I want that to tarnish our relationship if he was a completely different person now? NO.
I don't need to accept, forgive or understand transgressions that weren't done to me personally. It doesn't matter.
Regarding your bolded comment above.... yep (doesn't make it right though :angel:).
Quote from: amZo on October 18, 2014, 03:27:33 PM
Regarding your bolded comment above.... yep (doesn't make it right though :angel:).
I don't know how to give reputation points on this thing :(
The weird words that don't fit are thanks to my auto correct.
Sometimes, even if you're a good person, you have to consider what's "right for you".before considering "what's right". And if choosing"what's right for me" ultimately leads to far less suffering and bad things than doing "what's right" would have... then it kinda becomes"what's right" too. Unless you believe more actual, real life suffering is right as long as some abstract condition is met. But I don't believe that. :)
Life is far too short to waste and if there are already things about you thatmake finding a partner harder, then the chances of finding someone who can make you happy in all aspects AND can miraculously override the human psyche and never even for a second think of you as a guy become slim to none. (I could never be with someone sexually boring for example, and by that I mean he better not think of house work when he sees rope and leather gloves, and he better know lots of other places for belts than the waist at the very minimum)
I don't believe a person who can hear about someone having been a guy andforget about it exists. So that's not an option for me. Even if there was such a person he'd be incompatible with me, seeing as I want my partner to have a sadistic streak and a person like that certainly wouldn't.
While I can understand that you want to not disclose, any long term relationship is founded on trust, and trusting a partner enough to disclose is a powerful thing. Trust builds strong foundations, without those foundations any relationship will be doomed to fail.
Of course you don't have to disclose every time, one night stands or short term relationships being a good example.
I have seen lack of trust and not disclosing something (being poly in this case) end up with a friend being sectioned, because she wasn't able to be herself with her husband and it tipped her over the edge, so be very careful about keeping things back. Trust isn't just about your partner trusting you, but you trusting your partner and having it in a relationship makes storms far easier to weather.
Quote from: Dread_Faery on October 18, 2014, 05:43:24 PM
While I can understand that you want to not disclose, any long term relationship is founded on trust, and trusting a partner enough to disclose is a powerful thing. Trust builds strong foundations, without those foundations any relationship will be doomed to fail.
Of course you don't have to disclose every time, one night stands or short term relationships being a good example.
I have seen lack of trust and not disclosing something (being poly in this case) end up with a friend being sectioned, because she wasn't able to be herself with her husband and it tipped her over the edge, so be very careful about keeping things back. Trust isn't just about your partner trusting you, but you trusting your partner and having it in a relationship makes storms far easier to weather.
Icould never trust a partner I'd have to worry about seeing me as a ->-bleeped-<- not because of my looks, voice or anything but because of WORDS.
I trust the human psyche to be the human psyche and not some impossible fantasy psyche dreamt up in the minds of tumbler feminists and boyfriends who are so head over heelsin love that they deceive themselves to believe things that aren't true.
Can you find me a bf who will never ever see me as a ->-bleeped-<-, nitnot for one second, if I tell him I was one? No.
But I don't see myself as a ->-bleeped-<-. I'm a female even in my dreams. That's my reality. I want by partner to share my reality, not some reality I can't or even want to relate to.
doesn't that make sense?
I can trust my partner perfectly living like that..he can trust me perfectly too. He'll never find out differently.
I would never even want to tell a partner who I knew would have no problem with it. Tolerant people are the worst. "It's okay you were a ->-bleeped-<-" no it's not, it was horrible, get out!
there's always that slight shift in how people see you when you tell them.
What you call the truth is a lie for me and vice versa.
I'd rather date a homo/trans phobic than a trans lover..just because I had to go through this doesn't mean it's something to be proud of. I'm a survivor. I've survived lots of horrible things. This was just one of them.
Ps my last relationship was with a man who liked girls, boys and trannies. We had some trust issues because I felt he didn't push me hard enough to make an effort, for example shave and do my makeup and look my best for him every morning. I did that as best I could but sometimes I had periods where I was more sad/depressed and having someone by my side who couldn't care less about my having facial hair or not... It was comforting but it also made it worse. I don't mean he should have pushed me away because of it or anything.. it's not just that. I had the money for my surgery a year earlier... But I stayed because of him... of course he wanted me to have the surgery but it wasn't an issue for him like it was for me and there were other pressing issues...
Idk. I never told the ppl in my life anyway. I worked as a female and no one knew. Even my bf's parents didn't know. I've had enough of ppl seeing me as a ->-bleeped-<-. I don't want any more of that c especially from the most important person in my life.
Quote from: butterflies on October 18, 2014, 03:12:45 PM
We create our own realities. A lie strong enough becomes the truth if you never ever own up to anything else.
It is true we create our own realties, and it is also true that we can deceived others
but deep down in the innermost recess of your mind the truth will be haunting you... repeating to you the true that you so skillful hide for every one but you...
You run but you cannot hide....
Quote from: peky on October 18, 2014, 07:19:44 PM
It is true we create our own realties, and it is also true that we can deceived others
but deep down in the innermost recess of your mind the truth will be haunting you... repeating to you the true that you so skillful hide for every one but you...
You run but you cannot hide....
Oh...you have no idea what my mind iscapable of forgetting and changing.
If it wasn't I'd be traumatized and dysfunctional in many ways. Instead I'm happy....:).I smile every day. The first day after my surgery o didn't smile. Today I smiled. :)
Everything will be okay. It always is. It always will be. No worries! My past has stopped haunting me a long time ago, worse things than this. Nothing sticks to my mind, anything can be wiped out
I guess that makes me lucky.. But it's not like I was born with it.
I'm sure one day I'll have forgotten I ever had a pnis. Then if you came to me with proof (different face& name, country, continent and nationality, I don't see how but let's say you did) first of all,I wouldn't recognize myself and second of all I'd genuinely think you were lying.
You can't fight that. Just waiting for the day... I love my mind. If it's broken then it's broken in all the right ways :D
Quote from: nicolegn7 on October 13, 2014, 03:19:41 AM
What are your ladies take on not telling your husband you were born transgender?
I think it's almost a universal "very bad idea". Strong relationships are built on trust and honesty - end of story.
I could
never live with someone who would hate me if they knew the truth about me. What a miserable relationship that would be, regardless of how well I thought I could hide the truth from my partner or myself.
Some things just can't be forgotten or wished away. Yes, it's frustrating that I was not born female, but there's nothing - and believe me, I've tried! - that will make me ever forget that fact. How to deal with it? Stop spending so much time trying to hide it, and spend more time trying to surround myself with people who accept me for who I am, not who I wish I was.
Quote from: Brenda E on October 18, 2014, 07:55:10 PM
spend more time trying to surround myself with people who accept me for who I am, not who I wish I was.
You can't forget it, that's too bad. My mind has already begun the process.of altering my memories. I'm not even actively trying. If a memory from my childhood pops up in my head, I'm a girl in it. I imagine it's how I would have actually looked like with different chromosomes. My brain can be very realistic! So, should I call a therapist and have me locked up? Or just stay quiet about it and thank my luck?.I think I'll go with the latter...
I don't understand... you went into all that trouble to change the cards you were dealt with, but you want your partner and friends to accept the cards you were dealt with as a priority to accepting the cards you hold NOW? But why live in the past?
Ps your profile pic is very clever :)
Quote from: butterflies on October 18, 2014, 08:09:01 PM
You can't forget it, that's too bad. My mind has already begun the process.of altering my memories. I'm not even actively trying. If a memory from my childhood pops up in my head, I'm a girl in it. I imagine it's how I would have actually looked like with different chromosomes. My brain can be very realistic! So, should I call a therapist and have me locked up? Or just stay quiet about it and thank my luck?.I think I'll go with the latter...
I don't understand... you went into all that trouble to change the cards you were dealt with, but you want your partner and friends to accept the cards you were dealt with as a priority to accepting the cards you hold NOW? But why live in the past?
Ps your profile pic is very clever :)
Your past is part of who you are.. You cannot escape it..
PS: No matter how well you think you've hidden it, your past will be findable..
Quote from: kelly_aus on October 18, 2014, 08:31:25 PM
Your past is part of who you are.. You cannot escape it..
PS: No matter how well you think you've hidden it, your past will be findable..
I'm not surprised that's true for you. I am really sorry though. I'm sorry those statements are true for you. They aren't for me. I'm smart enough to leave it at that. I won't go into detail. But I'm almost done now :)
I can say this much: you're assuming TO much by assuming that there is anything left to find and by assuming that for a large part, there ever was.
We come from very different backgrounds.
Quote from: butterflies on October 18, 2014, 08:56:37 PM
I'm not surprised that's true for you. I am really sorry though. I'm sorry those statements are true for you. They aren't for me. I'm smart enough to leave it at that. I won't go into detail. But I'm almost done now :)
I can say this much: you're assuming TO much by assuming that there is anything left to find and by assuming that for a large part, there ever was.
We come from very different backgrounds.
This day and age of computers you really think you are that clever? I can find out your life story in 30 minutes or less. Less if I use the computers at the Sheriff's Office I used to be stationed at. To deceive is to play an incredibly risky game where losing could cost your life. In the past, yes, you could hide it forever, but now it is just not possible. Sorry to burst your bubble. :)
Quote from: butterflies on October 18, 2014, 08:09:01 PMMy mind has already begun the process.of altering my memories. I'm not even actively trying. If a memory from my childhood pops up in my head, I'm a girl in it. I imagine it's how I would have actually looked like with different chromosomes. My brain can be very realistic! So, should I call a therapist and have me locked up? Or just stay quiet about it and thank my luck?.I think I'll go with the latter...
I don't understand... you went into all that trouble to change the cards you were dealt with, but you want your partner and friends to accept the cards you were dealt with as a priority to accepting the cards you hold NOW? But why live in the past?
With the greatest respect, I think you're building a house of cards. It'll work right until the point it collapses entirely, and it's not going to take much to cause everything to come crashing down. What'll it be? An old acquaintance who sees you in a store and recognizes you? A letter forwarded to you with your old name on? Your parents slip and call you by your birth name or reference a fragment of your past in which you could only have been male? Or you just can't remember one of the little lies that you've told your partner or the countless other people you've had to deceive?
And the moment that happens, how long will you have been into your relationship? A few months? A few years? A few decades?
It's a risk I'm not willing to take, and deception is so very, very tiring as the years progress. I'd rather just tell the truth to people who want to be around me no matter what, then think nothing more of it. So much easier!
QuotePs your profile pic is very clever :)
Thanks! ;)
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on October 18, 2014, 09:10:56 PM
This day and age of computers you really think you are that clever? I can find out your life story in 30 minutes or less. Less if I use the computers at the Sheriff's Office I used to be stationed at. To deceive is to play an incredibly risky game where losing could cost your life. In the past, yes, you could hide it forever, but now it is just not possible. Sorry to burst your bubble. :)
Let her live in her fantasy, Jessica.. Having had a security clearance in the past, I'm more than aware of what information is floating around just beyond public access..
Quote from: kelly_aus on October 18, 2014, 09:26:02 PM
Let her live in her fantasy, Jessica.. Having had a security clearance in the past, I'm more than aware of what information is floating around just beyond public access..
Yes, the sheeple sure are fooled with the visions of security and anonymity. If they only knew what we both do. :)
The book "1984" is not a work of fiction, but a true blueprint of surveillance today. :o
please, no one take offence; this argument was going on 12 months ago when I first found this site. I still don't get it, I'd much prefer loneliness than living with that kind of self denial. my 25 cents worth.
Quote from: butterflies on October 18, 2014, 03:27:15 PM
I completely understand where you're coming from. I'm not yet sure what I'll say but you're right. There's no way I'll say I used to live as a boy. And what boy dresses up in his mother's skirts, tries in lipstick at age 7 and spends all his third grade in elementary school making friendship bracelets? Is that what people imagine when you tell them you used to live as a boy? No. Sothe truth would not actually be perceived as truthfully at all. It would be perceived as something that was never true. So the truth would be just another lie...
My sentiments exactly, I was forced into the gender role of being a boy. I'm one of those that knew from an early age but was terrified of expressing myself. Teachers in elementary school would scold me for doing anything considered girly, my family's culture didn't allow any room for feminine expression (machismo culture). So all of this led to me trying to be something I never was and living in self denial. To say I used to be a boy is definitely a lie in my situation. I can understand those that didn't really know until later in life but for me its a whole different scenario. So what do I say what I was before transition well I say I was just a kid absent of actual identity. I had a tendency of being able to blend in with any type of crowd, in a way I was sort of like mystique from x-men :D, constantly reinventing myself, doing all that I could to run away from who I truly was.
Quote from: Lady_Oracle on October 18, 2014, 10:47:51 PM
My sentiments exactly, I was forced into the gender role of being a boy. I'm one of those that knew from an early age but was terrified of expressing myself. Teachers in elementary school would scold me for doing anything considered girly, my family's culture didn't allow any room for feminine expression (machismo culture). So all of this led to me trying to be something I never was and living in self denial. To say I used to be a boy is definitely a lie in my situation. I can understand those that didn't really know until later in life but for me its a whole different scenario. So what do I say what I was before transition well I say I was just a kid absent of actual identity. I had a tendency of being able to blend in with any type of crowd, in a way I was sort of like mystique from x-men :D, constantly reinventing myself, doing all that I could to run away from who I truly was.
Oh wow, that's exactly what I did :D I've had so many names and faces and phases and whatnot..hahaha. we even have the same favorite character in game of thrones? She's magnificent.
I'm glad someone understands. I'm sorry you had such a hard time with your family, my family was a lot easier but my environment otherwise wasn't. I was bullied a lot... but I got through it. I tried really hard being a boy at one point too. But it just didn't work out...
Quote from: Lady_Oracle on October 18, 2014, 10:47:51 PM
My sentiments exactly, I was forced into the gender role of being a boy. I'm one of those that knew from an early age but was terrified of expressing myself. Teachers in elementary school would scold me for doing anything considered girly, my family's culture didn't allow any room for feminine expression (machismo culture). So all of this led to me trying to be something I never was and living in self denial. To say I used to be a boy is definitely a lie in my situation. I can understand those that didn't really know until later in life but for me its a whole different scenario. So what do I say what I was before transition well I say I was just a kid absent of actual identity. I had a tendency of being able to blend in with any type of crowd, in a way I was sort of like mystique from x-men :D, constantly reinventing myself, doing all that I could to run away from who I truly was.
Oh wow, that's exactly what I did :D I've had so many names and faces and phases and whatnot..hahaha. we even have the same favorite character in game of thrones? She's magnificent.
I'm glad someone understands. I'm sorry you had such a hard time with your family, my family was a lot easier but my environment otherwise wasn't. I was bullied a lot... but I got through it. I tried really hard being a boy at one point in my childhood too. But it just didn't work out... not for long anyway. In junior high things were tough but ultimately it got easier and people started accepting me not being or acting like a boy. Our school taught 100% traditional gender roles though and the male teachers made fun of mea lot. But iI got through it :) after that things got harder again and I tired being a boy until I finally started living as a girl 24/7.
I can't believe it took all those years to get surgery....but I'm finally on the end stretch.
Quote from: stephaniec on October 18, 2014, 09:56:31 PM
please, no one take offence; this argument was going on 12 months ago when I first found this site. I still don't get it, I'd much prefer loneliness than living with that kind of self denial. my 25 cents worth.
Denial? it's only denial for you. For me it would be propagating misinformation. I would rather kill myself than be alone for a whole year, let alone longer. I guess we're all different, huh?
Quote from: Brenda E on October 18, 2014, 09:13:56 PM
With the greatest respect, I think you're building a house of cards. It'll work right until the point it collapses entirely, and it's not going to take much to cause everything to come crashing down. What'll it be? An old acquaintance who sees you in a store and recognizes you? A letter forwarded to you with your old name on? Your parents slip and call you by your birth name or reference a fragment of your past in which you could only have been male? Or you just can't remember one of the little lies that you've told your partner or the countless other people you've had to deceive?
And the moment that happens, how long will you have been into your relationship? A few months? A few years? A few decades?
It's a risk I'm not willing to take, and deception is so very, very tiring as the years progress. I'd rather just tell the truth to people who want to be around me no matter what, then think nothing more of it. So much easier!
Thanks! ;)
like I said, I'm smart enough not to reveal details.but do find out everything you can about me.. :)
And my ego is small enough to leave itat that. I concede, I'll still live as a female without revealing the truth... I'm sure your horrible predictions will come true! Haha, some people just get off on negativity...
Oops, the above was to thatother person. This is to you: no such reference. I've almost never been to a doctor. no army. No all boys school. No original birth certificate in existence. I've talked face to face to people who knew me as a guy.they didn't recognize me. One of them, a homophobic at that, asked me out.
Can you say that about ANYONE you've ever known? Then maybe I'm the one exception you didn't count on existing...
Quote from: butterflies on October 19, 2014, 01:35:29 AM
Haha, some people just get off on negativity...
No, some just want you to survive this and not read about you on the front page some day. Don't equate caring with negativity. If you want to play reckless and tempt fate it is your choice as an adult and you have every right to. No one is denying that at all.
PS-It only took me 0.34 seconds to back trace your IP to your country, city and terminal. I am not even computer literate very well. Hmmmm food for thought. :)
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on October 19, 2014, 01:41:33 AM
No, some just want you to survive this and not read about you on the front page some day. Don't equate caring with negativity. If you want to play reckless and tempt fate it is your choice as an adult and you have every right to. No one is denying that at all.
PS-It only took me 0.34 seconds to back trace your IP to your country, city and terminal. I am not even computer literate very well. Hmmmm food for thought. :)
If you had the information, you would have printed it m you're welcome to type it here. Just a hint, I'm currently inAsia ::D did you even get the continent right? I doubt it, considering what I'm behind...:D
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on October 19, 2014, 01:41:33 AM
No, some just want you to survive this and not read about you on the front page some day. Don't equate caring with negativity. If you want to play reckless and tempt fate it is your choice as an adult and you have every right to. No one is denying that at all.
PS-It only took me 0.34 seconds to back trace your IP to your country, city and terminal. I am not even computer literate very well. Hmmmm food for thought. :)
Notice how you're"caring"for me but not the OP? Real heart warming. You're not caring, you're fear mongering. No one ever got anywhere without taking risks and the people too timid to take risks always put them down and they always said it was because they cared for their safety but really it was out of jealousy. I'm done with my past and I'll do anything to protect my present
Anything. I'm also done with defending myself on this matter. Try pestering the other people who expressed the same idea in this thread.
Quote from: butterflies on October 19, 2014, 01:48:40 AM
If you had the information, you would have printed it m you're welcome to type it here. Just a hint, I'm currently inAsia ::D did you even get the continent right? I doubt it, considering what I'm behind...:D
I'm somewhat paranoid myself, and while its easy enough to hide from this website, I couldn't work out how to do the rest of it. Its difficult to avoid leaving traces of information all over the place.
I assume you didn't pay for SRS with cash, so there's bank records, and presumably the clinic where you are knows your identity. What if they get hacked and the data released? I understand Suporn (for example) likes taking patients photos too, and there's the other patients taking photos to worry about as well. In Australia its too hard hiding your identity from the various doctors you need to see, and they will possibly communicate with the clinic as well. I suspect most of these places have poor security. I guess its possible to hide it all, but its got to be pretty difficult unless your either very wealthy or have some very unusual skills.
I've thought about it a fair bit, and come to the conclusion that its not really feasible to hide properly, so I take some precautions, but in the end I give up.
I'm wondering if we've gone slightly off topic here.? Seems like someone is trying to prove they're smarter than all the rest.
We all have our choice if we reveal all or parts of our past. I've already stated that I would find it dishonest if I tried to hide my past from a partner and being as I loathe dishonesty more than almost anything else I couldn't imagine doing it to a partner a 2nd time after breaking my ex wife's heart. One of the liberating parts of transition is that you no longer need to hide your true self from close friends family and partners. I'm not saying we should go round outing ourselves at every opportunity but if someone means enough to me then why would I want to plant a timebomb under the relationship? When to disclose is the issue we all face but I've found that honesty is definitely the best policy.
Quote from: butterflies on October 19, 2014, 01:17:50 AM
I would rather kill myself than be alone for a whole year, let alone longer. I guess we're all different, huh?
Seriously? In my dark days I had a whole calendar year when I only had 4 visitors to my home. A guy to read the gas meter, A guy to read the electric meter. A fireman to check my smoke detector and a worker from my landlord to check the house for defects. That's no family no friends and definitely no partner because I never had any of them. I'm really happy for you that life is so good but maybe you could spare a thought for those of us for whom loneliness and isolation is an everyday reality when you make posts to tell us all how we have it all wrong.
Hugs
Sorcha ;D
We made some corrections so we can keep it in topic.
Hugs
Quote from: butterflies on October 18, 2014, 08:09:01 PM
You can't forget it, that's too bad. My mind has already begun the process.of altering my memories. I'm not even actively trying. If a memory from my childhood pops up in my head, I'm a girl in it. I imagine it's how I would have actually looked like with different chromosomes. My brain can be very realistic! So, should I call a therapist and have me locked up? Or just stay quiet about it and thank my luck?.I think I'll go with the latter...
I don't understand... you went into all that trouble to change the cards you were dealt with, but you want your partner and friends to accept the cards you were dealt with as a priority to accepting the cards you hold NOW? But why live in the past?
Ps your profile pic is very clever :)
Could I politely suggest that you seek help? You appear to have major trust issues and are repressing stuff. Believe me from personal experience that repressing things only makes them worse in the long run. At some point you will have to come to terms with this, no ifs, not buts, no maybes... You will have to make peace with who you are. It's generally better to do that in a therapist's chair rather than on the edge if a blade.
Quote from: SorchaC on October 19, 2014, 03:07:20 AMOne of the liberating parts of transition is that you no longer need to hide your true self from close friends family and partners.
Absolutely.
Transition shouldn't be about playing games and hiding secrets for the rest of our lives - many of us transition to
avoid having to do that kind of stuff anymore. Why would anyone want to go from chaos to more chaos, instead of chaos to peace?
Quote from: butterflies on October 19, 2014, 01:48:40 AM
If you had the information, you would have printed it m you're welcome to type it here. Just a hint, I'm currently inAsia ::D did you even get the continent right? I doubt it, considering what I'm behind...:D
For your information I did not post it for your security. Yes, I do care for the OP as well, but I was directly answering a query from you.
Makes me sad to see people try to help and you laugh it off with a superior attitude. You will definitely be outed some day because you think you won't. Приятная жизнь. :)
FYI - Butterflies put her account up for deletion.
From all the badgering? maybe.
I hope she doesn't leave, a different view is always refreshing on here.
Quote from: Jaime R D on October 19, 2014, 04:32:17 PMI hope she doesn't leave, a different view is always refreshing on here.
I hope she doesn't leave either - Susan's really does welcome everyone, and I don't think anyone here wishes her anything but the best.
But the community does have a certain style and tone (respectful, friendly, few sharp edges) which makes it work very well, and sometimes it takes a little effort to adjust to it.
Quote from: Jaime R D on October 19, 2014, 04:32:17 PM
From all the badgering? maybe.
I hope she doesn't leave, a different view is always refreshing on here.
I noticed that. I think some folks missed her earlier posts. When sex begins day one of meeting someone, then a person's history is pretty much placed low on the priority list.
I'm not judging her, to the contrary, I think she was essentially on solid ground in her stance, even if it's not one I would adopt.
I hope she returns too. :)
I think everyone has the right to choose the way they want to live their life, even if we may strongly disagree with it. I can fully understand how young transgender people who have fully transitioned may want to only have a reality pertaining to their correct gender. But it does come with a big risk.
Speaking for myself, any man I would consider worth dating would probably check me out on Google, LinkedIn and Facebook. I would expect nothing less, and would do the same checks in him. While I might allow things to roll for a couple of dates to see where things were going, I would then disclose. At my age there is no alternative, and the type of relationship I am looking for would require a somewhat special man. If he doesn't exist, it's a risk I knew might exist well before I took my decision to transition.
Julia
Quote from: kelly_aus on October 18, 2014, 09:26:02 PM
Let her live in her fantasy, Jessica.. Having had a security clearance in the past, I'm more than aware of what information is floating around just beyond public access..
Yep. Having worked in law enforcement and intelligence gathering, I can assure you that people who think they're hidden are fooling themselves.
Quote from: Julia-Madrid on October 19, 2014, 05:50:25 PM
If he doesn't exist, it's a risk I knew might exist well before I took my decision to transition.
I have t agree with this. I decided right at the beginning that I wasn't transitioning for a relationship as a woman and that if I remained single forever without ever having a single lover I'd still be ok with that :) As things turned out relationships while hard to achieve are not impossible and if you are open with potential partners you gain allot more respect. I've met a few cis men and women who actually prefer being around trans people not for the sexual motives but because in general trans people know who they are and are honest about it without trying to deceive, Sure we want to pass in our gender role but we are generally just happy to be free of hiding ourselves.
I hope Butterflies returns. I did see the early posts about sex on 1st dates and nearly responded but who am I to say when people should be intimate? I don't agree with her but i agree she has a right to live her life as she sees fit. I also think she could learn allot from folks here as I am doing
Hugs
Sorcha ;D
Quote from: Julia-Madrid on October 19, 2014, 05:50:25 PMAt my age there is no alternative . . .
Ok, notwithstanding the fact that you're so young and passable and pretty and look like you're 20 and hardly at any "age"...
You make a
very important point. There's a huge difference between those who transition young (teenage to early 20s) and those who transition in their thirties, forties and beyond. Us older transitioners have a history that can't be hidden, in part because it's so lengthy, and in part because we often lived in the open and never tried to hide our younger male selves, and it's a history which therefore must be embraced. Those who transition young certainly have a far easier time of staying hidden, although it's still almost impossible to hide from anyone who wants to find out the truth.
Quote from: Brenda E on October 19, 2014, 06:31:59 PM
Ok, notwithstanding the fact that you're so young and passable and pretty and look like you're 20 and hardly at any "age"...
You make a very important point. There's a huge difference between those who transition young (teenage to early 20s) and those who transition in their thirties, forties and beyond. Us older transitioners have a history that can't be hidden, in part because it's so lengthy, and in part because we often lived in the open and never tried to hide our younger male selves, and it's a history which therefore must be embraced. Those who transition young certainly have a far easier time of staying hidden, although it's still almost impossible to hide from anyone who wants to find out the truth.
Brenda, you're such a charmer :D I'm actually 45, and although that it really me in my avatar, I hope I speak from the experience of not being exactly a spring chicken ;D
I'm sorry if I offend with this point of view, but for me it's a major ethical consideration. If you can't accept the consequences of transitioning don't. you always have another path you can a take , your birth gender. life can be a bitch.
Quote from: Samantha007 on October 20, 2014, 04:24:38 AMBecause in certain situations, it makes life easier and safer not to come out. Because the world is far from perfect yet. Many people would suffer discrimination, violence and sometimes even possible murder if they disclosed. It seems to me like an obvious reason to "hide" sometimes.
Absolutely that's a great reason to stay hidden, although I think there's a huge difference between staying hidden to Average Joe on the street or in the office, and staying hidden to a close partner in a relationship which requires trust to succeed.
As members of a wider society, we often can't choose who we work with, who we live near to, and who we happen to be around in public at any moment in time, so maintaining some level of discretion is a valid strategy for minimizing the risks of trans-related violence. God only knows what crazy people we come across in our daily lives and the kinds of mistreatment they consider acceptable towards those whose gender doesn't conform to their religious or political views. It's not a safe place out there.
But surely one would actively choose - or at least try to choose - one's most intimate life companions carefully enough to filter out those who despise trans people to the point of violence and murder? Of course, we can't get it right 100% of the time, but it's not hard to get it right 99% of the time. In situations like this, I'm a firm believer that safety arises from disclosure, not from secrets; the opposite of how one approaches the issue with the general public, but if personal safety is the goal (let alone building a solid relationship), then I think disclosure to a prospective spouse or similarly-close partner is virtually compulsory.
I think you can only truly "make love" to someone whom you feel like you are just as naked and vulnerable you are on the outside as in the inside.
That's my opinion tho (I can be too much of a romantic sometimes lol)
Time to shut this one down?
From a guy's point of view (i.e. my rapidly disappearing male self), for many it would be completely devastating if they found out their life partner for years was trans and didn't tell them. It could even get violent and deadly for some people. But I had a firewall against that, which was any woman I was in a long term relationship and was going to marry with I wanted children with so it was impossible for me to marry a trans woman. Maybe my own intuition of being trans myself and knowing what trans people are like helped me in this regard.
Quote from: JaymeDelray on October 13, 2014, 04:43:43 PM
I can only say if it were me I would not tell him. Nature cheated us from the start, don't cheat yourself out of being happy if you can.
This is how I think. My morality doesn't say don't lie. It does say "be happy" and "try not to hurt people intentionally".
Anyone I get serious with (actually pretty early on) I tell that I can't have children. That's step one. They ask why, I tell them I don't want to talk about it. If they accept that, we go on. If not, moving on. I also tell them I don't want children. The truth is, I am sad that I can't have children, at least a little bit..at some point that will probably come up. The "real" reason won't.
I'd rather be killed or kill than live the rest of my life as trans. If fundamentalist Muslim men in a Muslim nation couldn't tell, I'm pretty sure others won't either. I don't have toimagine facing risks, I've been there, done that.
Being mauled to death is a better option to be pitied/"understood"/rejected as a trans. "Once a trans, always a trans", lie or die.
I'd kill myself anyway if I could never be seen as a non trans woman, so death is of no consequence to me.
Quote from: stephaniec on October 20, 2014, 06:34:57 AM
I'm sorry if I offend with this point of view, but for me it's a major ethical consideration. If you can't accept the consequences of transitioning don't. you always have another path you can a take , your birth gender. life can be a bitch.
You offend me more than any trans phobic I've ever come across. I'll leave it at that. If that's what's being ethical, I'd rather be as unethical as I possibly can.
When you've done what I've done and lived my life (never), then proclaim yourself fit to speak for me. Otherwise you just come off like any cultist preacher.
I tried to say that politely, I'm sorry I failed. Your words hurt me.
Offense is often taken when it wasn't intended. Remember we all have opinions and often differ in those opinions.
Quote from: LordKAT on October 23, 2014, 01:16:04 AM
Offense is often taken when it wasn't intended. Remember we all have opinions and often differ in those opinions.
He She outright said who is and isn't ALLOWED to transition, and his opinion isn't echoed by any professional as a criteria for transitioning. You can argue it away all you like, but it's offensive, trans-, no, every kind of phobic,and authoritarian. Not to mention disgusting. No offense meant? I don't believe it.
She said nothing about who is allowed and made it clear it was a personal opinion. Opinion does not need to be shared by a professional to be valid.
Belief is also personal.
With that, this topic is locked.
I second locking this topic.
Post's about deception in general come very close to violating TOS anyway.
Quote from: onescaredquestion on October 22, 2014, 11:01:45 PM
Quote from: stephaniec on October 20, 2014, 06:34:57 AM
I'm sorry if I offend with this point of view, but for me it's a major ethical consideration. If you can't accept the consequences of transitioning don't. you always have another path you can a take , your birth gender. life can be a bitch.
You offend me more than any trans phobic I've ever come across. I'll leave it at that. If that's what's being ethical, I'd rather be as unethical as I possibly can.
When you've done what I've done and lived my life (never), then proclaim yourself fit to speak for me. Otherwise you just come off like any cultist preacher.
I tried to say that politely, I'm sorry I failed. Your words hurt me.
You may not like what she said, but she's 100% correct. "
If you can't accept the consequences of transitioning don't. you always have another path you can a take, your birth gender."
Now let me hurt you some more.
Quote from: onescaredquestion on October 23, 2014, 01:27:12 AM
Quote from: LordKAT on October 23, 2014, 01:16:04 AM
Offense is often taken when it wasn't intended. Remember we all have opinions and often differ in those opinions.
He outright said who is and isn't ALLOWED to transition, and his opinion isn't echoed by any professional as a criteria for transitioning. You can argue it away all you like, but it's offensive, trans-, no, every kind of phobic,and authoritarian. Not to mention disgusting. No offense meant? I don't believe it.
You intentionally misgendered her and that is never acceptable. See you in a week. When you return, before you consider posting read
Standard Terms and Definitions on Susan's Place (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html), which includes a section on proper pronouns; and the other topics in the
Site Policies and stuff to remember (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,492.0.html) forum.
This thread has walked the line all along but would fall under this stated policy.
Quote from: Susan on October 18, 2009, 02:59:24 AMI will not tolerate anyone posting on this forum about tricking or otherwise intentionally deceiving people into committing acts that with informed consent they would not have participated in. Actions of that nature are highly immoral. Topics of this nature feed the hatred of those who would attack the transgender community. It is used as justification by Murders for the "gay panic" defenses. A violation of this rule will from this moment forth result in a permban, as people who engage in these types of actions are not welcome in this community.
Be very glad we have not enforced it.