Hi everyone. I apologise in advance for the rant that I will more than likely start writing.
I have only recently started to accept the fact that I may be transgender. It has been maybe 2 months since I have been taking the noise in my head as something other than just a weird fantasy or mid life crisis or any number of other excuses I could come up with. I am slowly accepting that I might be different. When I try to think back, there have always been hints that at the time I was either too much in denial or just didn't know any better to take these hints more seriously. But I was always able to push these aside and just keep on being a guy. It kind of worked, except that each time the feelings and thoughts came back, they would be stronger and harder to push aside. Well it's taken almost 43 years but I think I've been beaten by my inner self (if that makes any sense).
These feelings and thoughts, which I will just call noise because of all the simultaneous conflicting thoughts going through my head, are driving me completely out of my mind. I just want scream! I lie in bed at night and start imagining having a female body and it physically causes something! I just feel pry inside and start to get the shakes. If you have seen Despicable Me 2, it's like when the minions get injected and start to vibrate and bounce around and then they pop into these purple minions. I'm in that vibrating stage about to just pop into a female version of me, except it never happens. I'm just stuck in that in between stage and I'm ready to explode! I don't know what to do.
I'm seeing a therapist, but he doesn't have any trans experience, but he is doing his best. I'm on a waiting list to see a gender therapist but I don't know when I will actually get an appointment to see her.
I just can't turn the noise off. It is always there. I think, at least to myself, I have let the genie out of the bottle and I can't put the genie back in because I broke the bottle. I'm so afraid and unsure of what I may have done. I might be destroying my life and the life of those I love, especially my wife. This dysphoria truly sucks! I wouldn't wish it on anybody!
Sorry for my rant. It just helps a bit to write it down, even if no one else reads it. If you did read it, thanks for taking the time.
Jayne
Believe me I know the feeling. I was just going along, seemingly okay with being male, but not really, and in the summer of my 52nd year, things finally came to a head.
But, truth be told, the male version of me had been stressed out, beaten down, careworn and battered for a long time, and the only solace he ever had was in stolen moments of faux femininity, like sunbathing in speedos or shopping for my wife.
A little bout of skin cancer from the sunbathing in speedos thing forced me to fully reevaluate my life, and that is when I fought my way to the surface and finally was able to start living as me, at least at home with my wife.
When I found that dressing female around the house lowered my blood pressure by 30 points and I was able to cut way down on the BP meds, I knew I was on to something.
Dysphoria can be hard to deal with, but continued denial can kill you. So take care of yourself. And remember, when the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.
It's a common feeling. Once you come to the realisation that you are trans it sets off a whole cascade of brain stuff that feels like an overwhelming emotional tsunami. Even if your counsellor hasn't had any trans experience they're getting some now so talk to them about it as much as possible.
Jayne
I can very much relate to the way you are feeling. I to, spent most of my life living as male until nearly two years
ago. I had always kept my trans nature crushed or squashed down most of the time. Then I kind of lost it .. an emotional bomb went off and I sobbed for days. Could barely function with the stress, the depression and what I call image mismatch (the inside doesn't at all match the outside). I couldn't figure out how to get back to where I was (didn't even know what it meant anymore). Finally I broke down and started seeing a therapist who helps transgender.
You have also started getting help and that is so important. Coming out to my family has been a positive thing, although it took more than a year to get up the courage to do so (thought it would destroy my life). I think now I can have a future.
All the best,
Kath
I totally get it. Many of us experience that same noise. I thought of mine as a separate and distinct personage, a squirrel running around it's exercise wheel. I don't know why it was a squirrel. It should have been a hamster. But Squirrel, she was. ;)
Cindi
While I started the transition process at age 23 I felt what you felt for 10 years before that. The medical system to treat me didn't exist and for you the medical system puts you on a waiting list. I was never able to find a way to tame those feeling for more than a short time but there might be an option open to you that wasn't open to me. You could start the transition process by going part time. Work on your image, beard removal, wardrobe and makeup. These task will prepare you for what is coming and and you will be working toward your final goal even if the medical system is on the slow side.
Thank you all for your kind replies. I'm trying to keep it together until my next appointment with my therapist which is on Wednesday. My last appointment was about 5 weeks ago because I was away on a holiday with my wife. I have been using this website during that time to try and keep myself sane. Thanks to everyone for being there. Even if it's just reading through someone else's thread, it helps.
I just don't understand why I can no longer control these dysphoria feelings. It is like some kind of monster inside my head has been unleashed and its sole mission is to destroy my mind. I keep wondering if gender dysphoria is real or some kind of fantasy. Well it's got to be real. No one can make up that sort of mental struggle.
I always imagined there was more to me than what the world saw, I just didn't know what. Who would have thought that it was a girl trying to get out. I can't even look myself in the mirror. I HATE what I see. I really despise myself for being me. I know that is not a healthy way to think, but it's the truth. I just do not like me. I don't even know who or what "me" is.
I feel like some kind of coward who has no purpose in life. I have a beautiful wife who is always telling me how much she loves me. I can't even think of one reason she could love me. She deserves so much better.
Oh crap! Sorry! My therapist warned me about getting myself into these negative thought downward spirals. He said if it happens I should catch myself doing it and look at myself from outside of my head and the negative thoughts stop. He explained it a lot better than I just did, but I just caught myself and the negative thought downward spiral stopped. I think he called it meta thinking.
I'm sorry all my posts are just a mixed up ramble that probably don't make a lot of sense. I'm just typing what comes into my head which is kind of jumbled up right now, so what I type comes out jumbled.
I hope I can find a solution to this without hurting the ones I love. It is not their fault that I am the way I am, so why should they suffer for it?
Thanks for reading my ramblings.
Jayne
Hi Jayne:
We all have our moments, especially later in life (>30 yrs or so), but there's a few things that we all have in common. When the noise, feelings, dreams, etc. won't go away it's definitely time to seek professional help. You have and I might suggest you consider a psychiatrist (you can ask for a referral) or just call. There's no stigma in doing this and it will make a difference if meds are in order - there's no shame or guilt in taking care of yourself.
I'm new here but there's lots of support. Use it and keep talking. Also, consider contacting PFLAG and seek out some folks who are just like you - they (PFLAG) can really help you with resources and support groups, etc. You are not alone and many just like you passed through this. If you have a few women or even one woman who you can confide in, I find that often is such a wonderful source of strength and calm . . . it's so great to talk to someone who gets you at some level as only a woman can.
I am particularly sensitive when people are at your stage because I volunteer to a group of Drs and therapists as a resource if patients wish to reach out to me, and I see this phase over and over. Personally, I was stubborn and fought it for over two years and that needlessly resulted in a very difficult, scary time.
I say this because you are experiencing the effects of the dysphoria, take these symptoms seriously. Don't ignore them for very long AND YOU AREN'T . . . keep it up!
Remember, you are not alone and are a beautiful person. Soon matters will get clearer and the fearfulness will lessen appreciably.
Take good care and stay in touch.
Love to you and yours,
R
Hi Rachel. Thank you for your kind words. It means a lot. I had a look at the PFLAG website. It seems to be aimed at parents and friends of gays and lesbians. I didn't find anything relating to trans. Do I have the right place?
I'm really having a hard time accepting that this is really happening. What if I'm wrong? What if I made a mistake and I'm not transgender? What if it is something else? I could be turning my whole life upside down for the wrong reasons. I have got so many doubts and confusion in my head right now. I question whether I'm making the right decision simply deciding what to eat for lunch. Is it just fear that's taking control of me?
Jayne
Jayne, I'm a lot younger (almost 19) but I'm feeling pretty much the exact same way as you right now. Especially the 'What if I'm Wrong? What if I made a mistake and am not transgender?' part. But like you said earlier, there's really no way that we can just make up this struggle, and I'm one of those transfolks who have felt 'off' pretty much his whole life, though it's only been a few months I've known or admitted that I'm trans. Sigh... I do hope I'm not being impulsive or crazy and that what I feel is real. Last night I wondered if being trans was actually a real thing or just a delusion, that's how bad I was... It IS a real thing, I just hope that it's real for me, too...
Because it would be really embarrassing because I'm out to all my friends and immediately family as trans. OOPs. A bad talk with parents yesterday threw me for a loop and my therapist today helped me feel better and assure me that if she wouldn't be recommending me the stuff she is if she didn't feel it would help me.
I hope you can get in to see a gender therapist, and here's wishing you all the best. It's really confusing and exhausting... at least, I'm exhausted lol
--Colin
Hey Colin. Thanks for your support. Sorry to here you are having a bad talk with your parents.
Being, or at least thinking that you might be transgender, certainly is confusing and exhausting. There is no denying that. I'm glad you are coming to terms with being transgender and getting help at a young age. It gets much harder and more complicated when you are older. At least that is how I am feeling. I wish you all the best in discovering your path.
Jayne
Quote from: Jayne01 on August 29, 2015, 01:52:32 PM
Hi Rachel. Thank you for your kind words. It means a lot. I had a look at the PFLAG website. It seems to be aimed at parents and friends of gays and lesbians. I didn't find anything relating to trans. Do I have the right place?
I'm really having a hard time accepting that this is really happening. What if I'm wrong? What if I made a mistake and I'm not transgender? What if it is something else? I could be turning my whole life upside down for the wrong reasons. I have got so many doubts and confusion in my head right now. I question whether I'm making the right decision simply deciding what to eat for lunch. Is it just fear that's taking control of me?
Jayne
_________________
Hi Jayne:
PFLAG will be able to help, and yes their original purpose was for parents of LGBTQ children. I've worked with them and attended some of their functions, great folks. BTW: There's references for resources here though being new i haven't checked them out.
Something, probably trans issues, has you stirred up. It doesn't matter really; you need some help and let me say if you aren't trans that's great! But if you are, then great again! Professionals and support groups who deal with trans won't push you down the trans road. In fact, early on determining your real nature will be an important part of the treatment process.
For now, you are receiving strong messages that you are trans (at least it seems that way). So consider, if you had a strong pain in your back for a while you'd go the Dr. and check it out. For sure you have symptoms so don't let this be a terrible thing - get it checked out.
If you are trans, the world won't end and for sure a great life lies before you All the folks here are proof that life goes on and you will soon find these trans gals/men are some of the most terrific people on the planet - who wouldn't want to be one of them if that's the way cookie gets eaten. We'd just love to have you as a sister, and we'd equally embrace you if it turns out you aren't trans . . . we'll love ya just the same.
TTFN,
R
Hi Rachel.
Thank you for your support. If I truly am trans it would explain a lot of what I am feeling/thinking but I can't shake the fact that I have made it to my age (43) and ha e been able to cope one way or another and now it is like a switch has been flipped and I can barely function. Why all of a sudden has this become so overwhelming?
Only 2 days to go for my next therapist appointment. It isn't long but seems like a long time to to wait right now. I just need to get my butt out of bed, go to work and keep myself distracted.
Jayne
Hi -
I was 58 when the noise got so loud it drove me to the edge. That's when I began therapy. That you are in your 40's means only that. Everyone that must come to terms with gender related issues does so when it's time.
It sounds like it's time for you. Don't make that overly significant. You wouldn't if it were some kind of internal medicine matter.
There's great news here for you no matter how things turnout; it's a choice as to how you view it. All that said, it is is unsettling at first and that's part of sorting it out. Nothing very significant happens in one's comfort zone. We all understand your discomfort and have empathy for you. You are special and a beautiful person and will still be beautiful as matters settle or you. :)
Take care and keep reaching out . . . Yours,
R
First of all, I'll second what has been said about PFLAG. Many locals also provide support for trans adults as well as youth. Let's face it, we are a minority among a minority. Plus interacting with adults who have managed to manage their dysphoria is a good thing. I always recommend checking them in addition to county & state wide Trans or LGBT organizations for local support.
As to the OP. "Quieting the noise in the head...." Oh I know that feeling well. Shoving food into me, or worse yet booze is only a temporary relief at best. I also tried for years to ignore it, much like my tinnitus, but only with more deadly results. After 50 years I found that I turned myself into a lifeless, soulless machine because of my endeavors.
My approach was to find some way to get these two, seemingly disparate, aspects of myself to live in hormony. That started with not trying to constantly beat Joanne down. Rather embrace her, understand her, in time even nurture.
It does get better. But it's one heck of a roller-coaster ride getting there
The noise is the worst, something I am ill equipped to fight back anymore.
Hello. Thank you again for your support. It really helps. I tend to overthink things and when that happens I get my mind all tied up in a knot. I'm slowly learning to ease up on the thinking and just go with whatever comes. If I'm trans, so be it. I know that's easier said than done, but that is probably what I need to do.
Thanks again for the PFLAG info. I'll get in touch with them.
Jayne
PS. Joanne, I really like you signature with the rock, hard place and pile driver. I can relate to it and it always puts a smile on my face. I think it's the pile driver bit that gets me. :)
Quote from: Jayne01 on August 30, 2015, 07:16:43 PM
Joanne, I really like you signature with the rock, hard place and pile driver. I can relate to it and it always puts a smile on my face. I think it's the pile driver bit that gets me. :)
Gets me all the time too. Ohhhhh does it get me :o
Hi,
I had a look at the PFLAG website in the U.S. It has a lot more information than the Australian website. I had a look through some of the publications. Some good info there.
Last night I woke up in the middle of the night crying like a little child. I ended up upsetting my wife because she doesn't know what to do to help me. I seem to cope ok at work but once I lie down in bed and try to sleep, my brain just goes into overdrive coming up with endless scenarios of how my life is going to completely unravel. I try and force myself to empty my mind and think of nothing, but that only last a few minutes at best, and then it is back in to overdrive.
Good news though! I finally got an appointment with the gender therapist next Thursday. I'm looking forward to it. Yay!!
Jayne
The idle hours are the worst even for the young ones like I was. We can be distracted by other activities but it's not possible to be distracted 100% of our waking hours. When you first start facing treatment, the load on your brain is even greater. When I found a treatment program that would work, I averaged about 2 hours of sleep a night for several weeks. That did tapers off, possibly somewhat do to exhaustion but I didn't really feel the loss of sleep. Your brain wants to be prepared for everything thats going to happen but first it's not possible and second what will happen will will take place over time and you will have plenty of time to work out the details. In less than a month your brain should become used to the new normal and the nights will be better.
Getting therapy will help because you will have something concrete to think about instead of the unknown. I hope your therapy session goes well.
During my early days on this journey I don't even want to think about how many nights I cried myself to sleep or woke up in the middle of some prophetic dream, only to cry myself to sleep.
Looking back I think a lot of the reasons why was Fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the worse possible consequences. Fear of your life going even more into the toilet then it now is. Over time that mostly stopped as is fear slowly gave way to hope. Hope only came thanks to the slow hard process of self acceptance. You stop seeing the world in terms of black & white. You begin to see all the greys and eventually beautiful colors.
I still have an occasional crying jag, mostly when I get suddenly overwhelmed by my flavor of GD and it's various triggers, not always alcohol fueled. But crying each night is no longer a lifestyle. My Teddie Bear is very thankfull for that. He hates falling asleep feeling soggy.
I cried a lot for a year. I came to see my tears as cleansing and therapeutic. I quit fighting having them. I still cry 15 years later and it's part of being Rachel.
Anyway, I wanted to stop by, say hello, and let you know I thought of you.
Keep taking one step at a time. It's a long journey and pretty darned amazing even given the foibles you are experiencing.
Take care, love yourself and others,
R
Hi Joanne and Rachel. Thank you again for your support. It is nice to know you care. It really means a lot.
I just saw my therapist (not the gender therapist, that is next week). He gave me a couple of strategies to help when my mind wonders off out of control and also to help with not sleeping. Hopefully these strategies help.
Jayne
I think I may have broken my wife's heart. I gave her some information to read about gender dysphoria and also some information for family members of people that discover they are trans when they are adults. I think that might have made it real for her.
I then had to leave and go to work (night shift). She was very quiet and ended up just going to bed in the afternoon. I can't shake the feeling that I have broken her heart. It is making me crazy. It is going to be a long night until I finish work and go home to talk it over with her.
I should not have dumped that stuff on her and then leave for work. I should have been there with her to talk it over and answer any questions. I feel like a coward. :(
Sometimes life just sucks!
Jayne
Good luck Jayne.
Hi Jayne:
It's easy to find fault in almost everything you do these days. Your wife is transitioning too and has some deep seated feelings that are perhaps challenging for her; it would be unusual if that were not the case. How she processes this is not something you can realistically hold yourself accountable for; unless of course, you purposefully do things to make her transition more difficult. It doesn't look like you did/do from here, but what do i know - very little actually.
I'm hoping you will be easier on yourself. You are what you are and you didn't ask to be that way. No one is at fault. Being sensitive and appropriately concerned about your wife is loving. Obsessing that you are making her feel bad isn't helpful for her or you, especially because you shared information to help her better understand what's occurring in your lives. That sounds pretty caring to me.
Anyway, take good care and the best to you and yours,
R
Hi Rachel.
Your comments are very thoughtful. I enjoy reading your posts. You seem to be very caring and seem to always know what to say and how to say it. Thank you.
I still have a few hours at work before I go home. I had some free time, so I wrote a letter to my wife that I will leave for her to read when I get home while I am asleep. I was able to put some things n the letter that I probably would have found difficult to say in person. We will both be home most of the day tomorrow, so hopefully we will have a chance to have a good talk. I love her so much. The last thing I ever want to do is cause her pain. I know I didn't have any say in making me what I am, but I still feel some responsibility for how I make others feel, especially my wife.
I guess I'm still holding on to a slim glimmer of hope that all this is just some phase I'm going through, or something else with a simple "cure". I am kind of self diagnosing myself with gender dysphoria. The therapist I have been seeing came to the same conclusion, but he has had no previous experience in this area. Next week I get to see the gender therapist. I'm sure she will come to the same conclusion, however she has quite a bit of experience with gender identity issues. So in my mind, if the diagnosis came from her it would hold more weight. I know what I am feeling is real and nt my imagination running wild, but for some reason I need a "professional" opinion to back up what I already know before I can truly start accepting. I'm not sure if that make any sense.
Once again Rachel, thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply to my posts. It really does help.
Jayne
I hope all goes well with your wife tonight. I really have no words of wisdom to offer you, just moral support. I'm nearing the point where I will need to talk with my wife and this worries me deeply. Everyone here keeps saying that things will get better. I hope for all our sakes they are right.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
You can count me among the folks with upcoming wifely conversations.
Telling your spouse is THE most difficult thing in the world. Those of us who truly love our spouse should tell him or her as much as possible right up front. She may think that because you love her, you can use that strength to overcome what you feel. Don't fall into that trap.Your love for your spouse may only confuse both of you if you use it in the incorrect context. Think of this as a medical condition that must be addressed for the both of you. No matter how everything turns out, it must be addressed.
Putting off the truth of it all will only hurt everyone involved and drag out the resolution of your medical status. But, you should know the truth before you make life long decisions. Let her know that you are in this place where you don't know the truth yet, that you love her dearly, and hope she can help.
My best to you,
Cindi
If you only knew how many wonderful people reached out and was there for me . My debt is huge, it pleases me to be able to pay it forward.
TTFN ........ R
Your story is exactly the same as mine. I realized at the age of 45 but it tooks 3 more years to decide the transition.
Welcome!
Hi and thank you for your comments.
Still a work in progress with my wife, but going well. She is truly a wonderful person and I am privileged to have her in my life.
I have another question that hopefully some of you may be able to help me with.
Why is it that there are times when I feel perfectly content with my male self? During those times I feel a lot of shame and anger at myself for having the feelings of dysphoria. I think to myself "I got this! I can beat this". But then something sets me off. I might see a woman in the street where I think "why can't I look like her?" or "I wish I could wear those clothes" and then I'm back to square one. I'm at the point where I don't trust myself to know whether what I'm feeling is genuine or not. How can I know if I'm transgender when I don't even know if I could trust myself?
Is this normal? Does anybody else go through this?
Just something else to add. I'm writing this as I'm waiting in a doctor's office and I got called in to do some tests before I see the doctor. When the nurse was taking my details, I could see her computer screen and the gender was defaulted to Female. I felt a slight disappointment when she changed it to Male. Nothing major, but a part of me wished she didn't change it. A normal male wouldn't think like that right? This thing is so confusing.
Thanks for reading.
Jayne
Quote from: Jayne01 on September 03, 2015, 10:22:38 PM
I have another question that hopefully some of you may be able to help me with.
Why is it that there are times when I feel perfectly content with my male self? During those times I feel a lot of shame and anger at myself for having the feelings of dysphoria. I think to myself "I got this! I can beat this". But then something sets me off. I might see a woman in the street where I think "why can't I look like her?" or "I wish I could wear those clothes" and then I'm back to square one. I'm at the point where I don't trust myself to know whether what I'm feeling is genuine or not. How can I know if I'm transgender when I don't even know if I could trust myself?
Is this normal? Does anybody else go through this?
Jayne
Been there, done that, and I think it is part of the experience. Just today I was out at work in male mode, and walking back to the car in suit and tie, started walking along with the shoulders squared up, acting male, and just for a moment, thinking, "I'm okay with this," and then driving out of the parking structure, I saw a beautiful girl in a miniskirt business suit and my God I wanted to look like her.
And of course, I couldn't wait to get home, take off the suit and tie, and slide into the short shorts and camisole top I usually wear around the house and garden.
And then after I am home and in my girl togs, I think to myself, "Who are you trying to fool? You are a girl and you always were."
Dear Jayne:
It was very real for me (the male animus tugging at the feminine animus), sometimes painfully so as I didn't see how I become Rachel and kept Rufus in the mix . . . in the end I became Rachel and value deeply who I was. For without my past I wouldn't be here today. But to be clear, I had to let go of Rufus and I grieved about that. You may be different, but I don't see how you can be two souls happily and contentedly.
As time passed and I spent more and more time as Rachel the bifurcated feelings went away and I was left with loving memories of who I was combined with the hopes and dreams of my future as Rachel. For me it wasn't an event; rather, it was a process taking abut three years to really settle things after I started my RLT.
Now some 15 years later, I find it hard to remember what it was like before - the events of my past life I have but the deep soul of a man's relationship to those matters is just barely present, barely wraith like. And for the record, I'm glad it's that way, for it works really well for me.
TTFN,
R
Quote from: Jayne01 on September 03, 2015, 10:22:38 PM
Why is it that there are times when I feel perfectly content with my male self? During those times I feel a lot of shame and anger at myself for having the feelings of dysphoria. I think to myself "I got this! I can beat this". But then something sets me off. I might see a woman in the street where I think "why can't I look like her?" or "I wish I could wear those clothes" and then I'm back to square one. I'm at the point where I don't trust myself to know whether what I'm feeling is genuine or not. How can I know if I'm transgender when I don't even know if I could trust myself?
Is this normal? Does anybody else go through this?
I spent years going through that when I was young. I think when you are distracted by something or someone else and you get the transsexual thoughts out of your head for a short time, you wonder why you want to be a woman. My pet theory which I can't prove because I never was on blockers is that the sexual drive cause by T increases the desire to be a woman. I think even without T the feelings still exist because once they are turned on they never completely go away. I still feel sexy sometimes and that is similar to what I felt before I transitioned. The difference is post surgically the feelings make sense. Before I transitioned, they were just plain wrong.
Quote from: Dena on September 04, 2015, 05:15:30 PM
I spent years going through that when I was young. I think when you are distracted by something or someone else and you get the transsexual thoughts out of your head for a short time, you wonder why you want to be a woman. My pet theory which I can't prove because I never was on blockers is that the sexual drive cause by T increases the desire to be a woman. I think even without T the feelings still exist because once they are turned on they never completely go away. I still feel sexy sometimes and that is similar to what I felt before I transitioned. The difference is post surgically the feelings make sense. Before I transitioned, they were just plain wrong.
Agree with Dena completely on this point. Pre-op my endo and I fiddled with the meds to help and it did.
R
Hi Carly and Rachel. Thanks for being the and continuing to help.
It really does feel like a roller coaster ride, the switching back and forth of feeling female and male. I wish there was some definitive way to diagnose whether I am transgender. If I fall and break a bone, the doctor will give me an X-ray and say "you have a broken bone". It would be nice to get some kind of scan or blood test or whatever, and the results say "yes you are" or "no you are not" transgender. I think that would make it a lot easier to accept myself and move forward with whatever is necessary to treat the condition.
I'm still telling myself it's a matter of the mind and I can be strong and overcome this. Even though so many have said that it is hard coded in the brain since before birth. The engineer in me is looking for the proof. I'm slowly accepting, with emphasis on the slow!
With so many that have been through this and are still going through it, you would think that should be sufficient "proof" for me, however it still seems I need to work it out for myself, while accepting help and guidance from others.
Jayne
Hi Dena and Rachel.
I agree that distraction may have a lot to do with thinking "why do I want to be a woman". Your mind is busy doing other things and you are not thinking about gender one way or another. You just feel like a normal person. It's when the mind is not too busy doing other things that the gender thoughts creep in. And the less busy the mind is the more the thoughts take over. That's how it is for me anyway. Does that mean that is the true me trying to get out? Maybe....probably. I can't keep distracted 24/7.
Jayne
There are two ways to diagnose if you are transgender. The first involves an expensive brain scan but I go with the cheaper less invasive test. What are you doing here if you are CIS? The feelings you have are real and it is normal for them to come and go depending on the time of day and what you are doing. RLE when you go full time will give you a better idea what is going on. For me before surgery I knew I would never be happy as a male and my future was to become a woman. I had doubts up to the minute the lights went out on the surgical table but I have never had a doubt post surgically. Now is not the time for a final decision because you are far to early in the transition process. As they say, I ARE an engineer as well and you really want the answer as soon as possible but it isn't going to be that easy. You still have a fair amount of work ahead of you before you will find the answer.
I get this conversation. Like, I am good at being male. People like me. I'm funny and self deprecating. I have a handful of really close friends and then a lot of acquaintances. I haven't made a new true close friend since high school though. I'm a stereotypical male for my age. I would have a happy life to anyone looking at me from the outside or from facebook. I've gone through stages of my life where gender never enters my mind (deep denial, it was always there but I was good at keeping it at bay). My mannerisms and speech are all masculine without a trace of femininity.
But reality is that I have intimacy problems. I don't open up to people easily. I am not comfortable being my true self with anyone that isn't my therapist. Every once in awhile there would be cracks in the armor. A coworker would raise an eyebrow at a limp wrist, or my wife would question why I would wear clear polish on my nails, or a coworker finds out my marriage is in a rough spot and first ask if I got caught in a gay affair. It really was my 30th birthday which triggered it all again for the first time in a long time, it ended with me in a dark place and the realization that I will never be happen until I become a woman.
The task is daunting, but I'm finally ready for it. Don't be afraid of what your mind and feelings are telling you.
Quote from: Qrachel on August 29, 2015, 11:45:31 AM
Hi Jayne:
We all have our moments, especially later in life (>30 yrs or so), but there's a few things that we all have in common. When the noise, feelings, dreams, etc. won't go away it's definitely time to seek professional help. You have and I might suggest you consider a psychiatrist (you can ask for a referral) or just call. There's no stigma in doing this and it will make a difference if meds are in order - there's no shame or guilt in taking care of yourself.
I'm new here but there's lots of support. Use it and keep talking. Also, consider contacting PFLAG and seek out some folks who are just like you - they (PFLAG) can really help you with resources and support groups, etc. You are not alone and many just like you passed through this. If you have a few women or even one woman who you can confide in, I find that often is such a wonderful source of strength and calm . . . it's so great to talk to someone who gets you at some level as only a woman can.
I am particularly sensitive when people are at your stage because I volunteer to a group of Drs and therapists as a resource if patients wish to reach out to me, and I see this phase over and over. Personally, I was stubborn and fought it for over two years and that needlessly resulted in a very difficult, scary time.
I say this because you are experiencing the effects of the dysphoria, take these symptoms seriously. Don't ignore them for very long AND YOU AREN'T . . . keep it up!
Remember, you are not alone and are a beautiful person. Soon matters will get clearer and the fearfulness will lessen appreciably.
Take good care and stay in touch.
Love to you and yours,
R
Hi all and thank you for your replies.
Dena, I ask myself that very question. What am I doing here if I am CIS? And I keep telling myself that CIS people do not question themselves about their gender. However there is still that doubt in my mind. I am interested to know more about the expensive brain scan you mentioned. I didn't think there was any medical test or scan that could identify transgender. Do you have anymore information?
Katelyn, I'm sorry that you are having a hard time with this. It sounds like you are working your way through it all. I don't know if am afraid of what my mind and feelings are telling me. It is more like what it's telling me is conflicting and confusing. Maybe some of that is caused by fear.
Thank you all for your continuing support.
Jayne
Quote from: Jayne01 on September 05, 2015, 06:24:22 PM
Hi all and thank you for your replies.
Dena, I ask myself that very question. What am I doing here if I am CIS? And I keep telling myself that CIS people do not question themselves about their gender. However there is still that doubt in my mind. I am interested to know more about the expensive brain scan you mentioned. I didn't think there was any medical test or scan that could identify transgender. Do you have anymore information?
Katelyn, I'm sorry that you are having a hard time with this. It sounds like you are working your way through it all. I don't know if am afraid of what my mind and feelings are telling me. It is more like what it's telling me is conflicting and confusing. Maybe some of that is caused by fear.
Thank you all for your continuing support.
Jayne
First you need to understand this is a limited study and there may be other causes of transsexualism that are unknown but in the small study they had a good hit rate. The papers of the study are locked behind a pay wall but the link will give you the basics. Should you desire more you can breach the paywall and get the full paper. As for doubt, I had right up to the moment the light went out on the surgeons table. Once I woke up for the first time after surgery, the doubt was gone and has never returned.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Causes_of_transsexualism (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Causes_of_transsexualism)
Thanks Dena. I will look at that link soon as I get a chance. I still keep coming back to the other point you made that is, what am I doing here if I am CIS? That question keeps running around my mind. As well as, if I am CIS. I wouldn't be questioning my gender in the first place.
Quote from: Jayne01 on September 03, 2015, 10:22:38 PM
I have another question that hopefully some of you may be able to help me with.
Why is it that there are times when I feel perfectly content with my male self? During those times I feel a lot of shame and anger at myself for having the feelings of dysphoria. I think to myself "I got this! I can beat this". But then something sets me off. I might see a woman in the street where I think "why can't I look like her?" or "I wish I could wear those clothes" and then I'm back to square one. I'm at the point where I don't trust myself to know whether what I'm feeling is genuine or not. How can I know if I'm transgender when I don't even know if I could trust myself?
Is this normal? Does anybody else go through this?
Perhaps not Normal but certain describes pretty much ALL of my life, even today. Shame is a very pervasive and invasive emotion that affects pretty much every aspect of your life. You are trained since birth that boys are one way and girls are another. When it comes to most aspects of human behavour, my wife puts it very simply, "We speak the language of our parents". This goes far beyond the tongue. Grow up in a crazy dysfunctional home and do you think you are perfectly normal? Alcohol? Drugs? Strict gender roles?
When I totally hit bottom six years ago and my life was once again being flushed down the toilet in a swirling vortex (CW), it was only then that I realized it was all over how I was NOT handling being trans. I spent a lifetime thinking I can beat it. Thinking I can supress such a major aspect of my true self. In the process I built up a totally untrue, Hollywood facade of a person I thought I needed to exude in order for no, absolutely no one, to perceive a chink in my armour for fear that my deepest darkest secret would be exposed for all the world to see.
It has taken me a good 5 years of hard work to loose much of that shame and a good portion of the guilt. What guilt that does survive is justifiable. I have done something wrong. I totally turned my marriage upside down forever changing my wife's image of our dotage. TBH, her health issues have altered that too, but that I knew I might be signing up for 30+ years ago. As for myself, she knew of my transitioning experiments and that I had decided I was "just a CD".
There is "A Test" and it is a simple one with answers as hazy as "The Magic Eight Ball". The result of this test is a simple binary Yes/No to ; "Are you Transgender". I have absolutely no doubt I am. Like you I prescribe to the theory of If you are asking, you is.
The BIG question, to which no one can answer, perhaps even yourself at this time, is; "Where along the spectrum of Cis-Female to Cis-Male do you reside?". This is the real answer to how you can Manage your particular flavor of dysphoria and to help balance all the competing needs, desires, and wants in your life.
For some, it's easy. Transition or die. I've been there a few times, but have not yet joined the club. Finding a support group changed my life. Therapy, plenty of introspection and self-help books doing a lot of the hard work on me has allowed me mostly maintain my goal of figuring out how to get both John and Joanne to coexist in harmony. Just as I could no longer beat down Joanne, beating "him" down sure did not seem like a good course of action either.
Today I primarily present male, still keeping my marriage together, still gainfully employed and having fun at it. Most days I have balance. There are still too many days I don't. Days that I think "I can beat this NOW" to days of "End the PAIN" and my pen moves closer to that membership form for the Transition or Die club
Me and my wife had a good cry about all this last night. It had been a while. She's losing her husband after all, even if she is gaining a wife. It's not the normal life she had hoped for.
I still think we'll be OK, but until it's a done deal, it still isn't "real" ya know? I even feel that way...
Jayne, read, read, and read some more. Amazon Kindle has some wonderful books that I have purchased and downloaded; they are very informative and inspiring. I would give you the links but I';m the highway right now and just let my third speeder go by; I better bet back to work.
When I get home I'll try and give you the links to the books. Gotta run
Marlo
Hello again. Thank you for your support and caring. Reading your replies helps me get through each day. I'm only taking it one day at a time right now otherwise it all becomes too much for me and I end up having a meltdown.
Joanne, I have been feeling a lot of shame. I thought I knew before what it was like to feel shame, but last night it truly hit me. I could barely look my wife in th eyes, I started to feel my chest knotting up inside and started hyperventilating. When I finally broke down and started sobbing uncontrollably. The guilt feelings were also there. Had my wife not been with me, I fear that I could have hurt myself. I'm not suicidal, I love my wife too much to put her through that. But those dark thoughts creep into my head more often and I am worried that some day I might be engulfed by these dark thoughts so much that in a moment of weekness I might do something stupid. I'm not there yet, but I can see that possibility on the horizon. That scares me.
Kristina, my wife and I were both crying last night when I had my meltdown. We both find it difficult to express our deepest feelings into words. Yesterday, during the day I kept prodding and she told me that she didn't any to be a lesbian. She wasn't trying to hurt me in any way. We both love each other very much. She is hurting because I am hurting and she doesn't know where this will all lead to. One day her husband might become her wife. Wow, that sounds odd when you put it like that. I don't know what I need to find the right balance. I don't even know how to comfort her fears of how far I need to change because I don't know myself. When she told me she didn't want to be a lesbian, that just twisted around in my mind so that by the time night time came around, I had myself so worked up that I could not find a solution. I kept trying to convince myself that I need to bury these thoughts and feelings and be the man I'm supposed to be. But then lesbian is just a label. My wife loves "me", and that isn't changing. I steel feel like the same person I always have been. I'm just starting to realise and understand who that person is. When I see my new therapist on Thursday (finally seeing a gender therapist, yay!!) one of the first things I want to try and work out is how to best include my wife on this journey. I have a lot to learn about myself, but I want to include my wife and also get her the help she will need to cope with me.
Marlo, I've spent a lot of time reading on this forum and searching google mainly for what causes gender dysphoria and what makes someone transgender. I have not read any books yet. If you have the names of some good books I'll be interested.
Jayne
I found "She's Not There: My Life in Two Genders" by Jennifer Finney Boylan to be incredibly helpful. It's particularly relevant to both of us because Jenny's wife stuck it out with her and they stayed together despite her wife "not wanting to be a lesbian." It was once a best seller and most libraries will have it. It's also on Amazon and available for your Kindle if you have one. I actually reached out to Jenny with an email, and to my surprise she actually answered back despite being a very busy woman.
I've heard countless times from my wife "I did not marry a woman". Less so these days but still do. I have never asked, nor is it fair of me to ask, if she will stay with me no matter what. So far my transitioning has not led to her leaving, especially now as I am a far nicer person to be around & with. We also discussed the harsh realities of an open marriage if I go past the point of no return.
We play it one day at a time
Hi Katelyn and Joanne.
Katelyn, I searched for the book "She's Not There". It no longer seems to be available as a kindle book. I also tried google, iTunes and Barnes & Noble. Some had it as an ebook, but none would sell outside of the U.S. I don't know why. Anyway, I'll keep trying to find a copy I can buy in Australia.
Joanne, I agree about not wanting to ask your wife if she will stay no matter what. I don't want to put my wife in a position where she would have to sacrifice her happiness to continue being with me. I hope it never comes to that more than anything in the world. But if it ever did come to that, I would not want to be the one preventing her being truly happy, as devastated as I would be. Thankfully we are not even remotely near that point now. So we will just take it as it comes and try and make the most of every moment along the way.
Jayne
Hello again,
I tried to buy Jennifer Boylan's book again. This time I tried from work and I found it and bought it. I started reading it but I am a very slow reader so it will take me some time.
On a more serious and troubling note, however, I am now at a very low point. I have got this sense of complete hatred towards myself where I am repulsed by my very existence. I am also overwhelmed with guilt about what I am doing to my wife. I have no right to turn her life upside down and inside out. What kind of person am I? How can I possibly live with myself. I have been crying during my 1 hour drive to work. This morning I was crying and waling uncontrollably continuously for about 40minutes of the drive like a small child having a tantrum. Luckily it was still dark outside otherwise I'm sure I would have been pulled over by the police if they could see me carrying on and tested me for drugs. I can't do this!
I used to be able to cope with the dysphoria, but it is just simply out of control right now and I don't know what to do. I can bang my head against the wall and hope it goes away, but somehow that may not be a good idea! It may be that now that I think I know what I am, I don't want to face the reality of it. And then even the remotest thought that it may mean my wife can't be with me is just too much to bear. I would rather face 1000 years of dysphoria than lose my wife.
Has anybody been able to successfully suppress or ignore the dysphoria feelings and continue to live a happy meaningful life? Right now, I think that might be my best and only option. And just so that there are no misunderstandings, my wife has never given me any ultimatums or blackmail or anything like that. It's just my own gut feeling, which may be clouded by my current state of mind.
Joanne, if you read this, right now I feel like I am under that pile driver under each of your replies, and it is beating on me relentlessly.
Thank you for letting me vent a little. Just writing this out helps a little. I got my appointment with the therapist tomorrow. It can't come soon enough!
Jayne
Hugs. I'm in the same position myself. Sending my support your way.
Please hang on. It takes time To sort this out. There is an answer that works for you.
You and your wife will find a way because you have a strong Love between you. That ultimately is what will make the difference. You don't Have to have it all figJured out today or tomorrow; rather, you need a little less stress day to day. That will come and is cominhg - and you dont have to punish yousf to fnd it. You are what you are and that is truly a beautiful person given An amazing gift.
You have this gift because you are yoU. The world is a much better place because you are here; that I promise you.
Take care,
Rachel
PS excus my errors, recovering from a small procedure today am sHakey.
Best of wishes that tomorrow the therapist will help you see some light in what appears so dark right now. Hold on the best you can ..
Hello. Thank you for your support.
Katelyn, I'm sorry you are also going through the same thing. It is not pleasant. Thanks for your support. I wish I had some words of wisdom to help you.
Lostcharlie, thanks for your kind wishes. It is a difficult time now. The depth of my pain comes and goes in waves. Right now I'm doing ok, but I'm sure that will change in a few hours. I'm still hanging in there.
Rachel, your replies are always so welcome. You seem like a very kind and thoughtful person who is always willing to help others. You give me hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you so much.
Jayne
I spent well over 30 years using the 3D's of Diversions, Distractions and Denial to suppress or otherwise ignore the dysphoria. When that failed, drinking to excess. I would not recommend either.
My way of managing it is through introspection or reading in order to try to understand first what is it about Now, that is making my feelings so worse. Once you understand the how or why, then you can come up with ways to minimize or mitigate them. Perhaps just even understanding the why makes them loose their power. It varies for me.
The dysphoria does not go away. Rather it is more like a sort of flashback. For example, I may see a young mom, playing or teaching her young 1-2 y/o child something, or otherwise enjoying the total wonderment of this strange new world they came into. They joy on each of their faces during this tends to get me going to the point I can almost start sobbing. That is if I don't do a quick Time-Out. Tell myself to get a hold of myself. Yes, I do have some regrets about not having kids. I have regrets about not being able to be a mom. Add to that being a kid magnet, the youngins sure seem to love me. Perhaps it is because the world has not totally beaten me down or they see I am about as amazed with the world as they are. But I turn that all around and think how lucky I am to see a mom like that with her child. How fortunate they both are to have joy and to share just a little bit of it with me as a big drooling smile comes across the kids face as we lock eyes as if to say, "Next lifetime you can be my daughter"
Followed the short version of the Serenity Prayer
Hi Joanne. Thank you!
What you say makes sense. Not understanding how or what or why I feel so bad is the worst. Every time I solve a little bit of the puzzle, that little bit no longer has as much power to get me down. (I hope that made sense. It made sense in my head. :)) It is a big puzzle to solve and there are still many unknowns. I want to once again thank everyone here for helping me.
I'm one of those "odd" people that doesn't drink alcohol. I just never got the taste for it. I'm kind of glad because the way I have been feeling lately, I think I could have easily turned myself into an alcoholic. That would have just compounded my problems.
I never thought of myself as a parent. I just don't think I have what it takes. I do have a baby niece however. Watching her look at the world through those big eyes is kind of magical. Everything is new to her. And then when she recognises something a great big smile breaks out. I went to visit her after being away on holidays for a month. She looked at me for a while with a puzzled look on her face and then something clicked and she gave me the most beautiful smile. She either recognised me or saw some of her father (my brother) in me. I have some photos of her on my phone and I feel really down I look at the photos and she cheers me up.
Sorry, I got a little sidetracked there. Thank you once again for everyone's support.
Jayne
I just received a call from the office of the therapist I'm supposed to see tomorrow. She needs to reschedule due not feeling well. I hope she feels better soon, however I am so disappointed. I've been counting the days and now I'm not sure when I can get in. I'm still waiting to hear back.
Grrrrrrrr....... ???
Jayne
Reading this thread again, I'm touched by how much this is a microcosm of so many lives . . . we just happen to be the ones on this stage. I've nothing to add here but to note how human we are, over and over again. It's a wonder we ever got out of the swamp though somehow we did, and somehow we will again and again and again and . . .
Blessings to use all, for we carry the spark in each of us that distinguishes us from all others. I'm amazed and humbled to be in your company. Your lives and the matters inside them distinguishes the mundane from the truly beautiful and we are all so very beautiful. I'm hoping each of us sees and feels that soon - like right now and again and again.
Take good care,
Rachel
Hello. Here is a quick update.
I got my therapist appointment rescheduled to next Friday. So that's not too bad. Just another week to go.
I thought I might sign up to a gym. I need the exercise and it might help to get my mind off other things. So today I went to the local gym to check it out. I spoke to one of the girls on staff who was very nice and ran me through what they have to offer and showed me around the gym. It all sounds pretty good. The Only problem is that I felt like a complete creep. As you could imagine, someone who works in a gym would be fit and have a nice figure. My stupid ins kept thinking that I wish I looked like you, while I was talking to this girl. I was so disgusted and creeped out at myself. I don't know if going to a gym is a good idea. I feel so bad now. I feel bad about my body, I feel absolutely horrible about looking at this lady and instead of seeing a person talking to me, I was seeing a body I wish I had. What kind of person am I? How can I expect others to just see me as a person when I am this horrible creep?
Maybe I should just accept that I just don't belong in society. I can continue living the life of a hermit and look out at the world through a glass bubble and not actually be part of the world. That is pretty much how I lived my life up till now. I'm just an observer. :embarrassed: :(
Jayne
If you can't go to the gym, do what I do. I have a 3 mile path I walk when the weather permits. That will prove some distraction until you have had a few sessions of therapy. Once you are doing something for your self like therapy and blockers you might want to consider the gym again. This is the impossible problem. At the start of transition it seems like we will never get through it. but many people have faced it and have transitioned. You will to if you just take it one step at a time. For now just get yourself out of the house even if it's just walking the neighborhood and more will come in time.
Hi again Jayne. I wished you lived close by (I'm in Maine) because we are going through very similar things. I work at a bank and there's 4-5 regular customers who really trigger the jealousy type dysphoria. That's a bad trigger for me as well.
As far as the gym goes, that's hit or miss I think. I used to go to gyms in college and hated the "bro" culture and the know-it-alls and the "Hey can you spot me bro?" Guys. The idiots who preened at the mirrors and preloaded protein. Ick. Gross. Not for me. I let myself go physically and ate my way through my gender issues. I got up to 320 lbs but all the pizza and bacon cheeseburgers were amazing. Also, who could look a fat guy in the mirror and think "I could be a girl someday?" So it made the denial easier. I actually didn't really see myself in a mirror for 10 years.
Then one day I realized I was suiciding by eating. I started off small, 2 servings of fruit or vegetables a day. I had an half avocado with my morning bagel and a spinach salad for lunch along with other things. After 3.months I started walking. I progressed from there, adding more and more servings of fruit and vegetables and eventually running 4 times a week. Now I am close to a vegetarian (plus dairy) and am running 25 miles a week. I started this 10 months ago and have lost 92 lbs without ever stepping in a gym. The point of this story is to say that working out at a gym may not be the answer for you, and that it's important to get your dietary lifestyle down first.
Looking back on my journey so far, if I was really being honest its myself, I'm already transitioning and made that decision the day I changed my eating habits. Or even a few months before that when I broke my fingernail chewing habit.
Hi Dena and Katelyn.
Thank you again for trying to help me. It is very kind.
We have an exercise bike and treadmill at home. Yesterday I went for a ride while my wife went for a run. It felt good to exercise. I was hoping to join a gym and a get the benefit of speaking with a trainer as well as have access to other gym equipment so as to get the most benefit rather than try to work it out on my own at home. I just wasn't prepared for the reaction I had today. It took me very much by surprise and was very disappointed for allowing myself to feel that way.
If I am trans, so what! I accept it and move on. That's what I need to try and convince myself to do. I know it is easier said than done. I need to retrain my brain to think of myself as something other than I what I have been believing I was for my whole life. That shouldn't necessarily be a. Ad thing, right?
Jayne
Knowing what to do is easy. Making it come true takes time and is hard. As you work your way through treatment, one day you will look in a mirror and see a woman looking back at you. That will be the day you know you have arrived and you stop wishing you were somebody else. That day happens to all of us but it won't be rushed. I hope you see her soon.
My appointment with the gender therapist I've been waiting for is finally here. I'm currently sitting in the waiting room almost an hour early. For some reason I am really nervous and I am continuously trying to convince myself not to just run out of the office. I don't know why. I need this. I guess I'm just afraid of what I might learn. Tell me again why I just can't be a normal guy??!?!? ???
Jayne
How'd the appointment go?
Hello,
Had my first appointment with the gender therapist. I've been seeing another "generic" therapist for a couple of months, but that was mainly to keep me sane until today. Anyway, today went well but also gave me mixed feelings.
The therapist seems to be very good and I think with her help a workable solution will eventuate. I did ask her for the magic pill that will cure me so I can get on with my life, knowing that no such pill exists, hence the mixed feelings.
At this stage, I don't think a transition would be the right answer for me, but doing nothing is not right either. I really don't have any idea what I need. Hopefully after a few more sessions some things might start to become clearer. In the mean time I must try to not let these thoughts and feelings consume my every waking moment because that is no way to live. Even if I do things to keep me distracted like work, gym, etc. These things will only work short term and not make the problem go away, but that is good enough until I can figure out (with help) what kind of long term solution will work for me.
What are all your thoughts on my plan of attack?
Jayne
Diversions, Distractions, Denial, aka the 3 D's. They work great. YMMV may vary. Especially with how often you see the therapist and perhaps go to a TG support group meeting. After spending a lifetime avoiding both it is funny how hearing others in real life and especially hearing the words come out of your heart, your mouth, into another persons ears totally changes how you feel hearing them and the other effects it has on you.
The one positive part of the gym, or any plan you are formulating, is that YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING FOR YOU. Something about being trans and how you feel about yourself rather than ignoring or otherwise stuffing your feelings. How you'll feel after doing may change, which is perfectly OK. This is all new uncharted territory. See a big rock ahead, veer left, or right. It's OK to change plans. THey are your plans, for you
Hi Joanne. Thanks. I know distraction is not a permanent solution. I just want to keep myself somewhat sane until I figure things out, at least for the short term. I don't know that I'm ready for a support group with actual real live people face to face. After a few sessions with the therapist, I'm hoping things start clearing up a little and then I can move on from there.
I was having a bad day yesterday. I got on the exercise bike and started pedalling like s man (woman?) possessed. I was punishing myself for allowing myself to feel so down all day. On the plus side, I'm getting fitter and losing some weight in the process.
My wife is going through a lot putting up with all my mood swings. I was having yet another meltdown after I got out of the shower after my mad ride on the bike. I started babbling something about being some kind of mutant with a brain defect. Then I added not an X-Men (the movie) kind of mutant. She then jumped in and said there is only one way to be an X-Man. I was confused. I didn't know what she meant so asked her to explain. So she says, well if you have a sex change and become a woman, then you are an X-Man (ex man)! I thought that was hilarious. I couldn't stop laughing.
The other thing she keeps telling me is that my "condition" is not my fault and I shouldn't be so hard on myself all the time. She tells me that when I wake up in the morning I should just open my eyes and say to myself "oh good! I'm not dead, what a great day". Just slow down and enjoy the ride rather than always trying to project into the future and planning for things that might never eventuate. How simple is that! Why do I need to always complicate things? I'm not dead or dying, I have a beautiful wife who loves ME the person. So I'm probably trans. I could have any number of other problems that would be worse. I really wish I could find the right words to help my wife understand what it feels like to have gender dysphoria. It seems like an impossible task to explain to someone who has never felt dysphoria, what it feels like. I'm happy to listen to suggestions of how I can helps wife understand. She really wants to help, but doesn't know how. She kind of feels like she's standing on the sideline watching me unravel and not know how to help. I want to include her as much as possible, and if I can help her understand, even a little bit, it would be a good thing.
Enough of my rambling. It is morning now here in Oz, I'm not dead, so I'm taking my wife's advise and getting my sorry butt out of bed and try and enjoy my day.
Thanks for listening and being there.
Jayne
I go to a LGBT gym and have a trainer. This was at the advise of my gender therapist. I use a locked co-ed locker room. The purpose is socialization and exercise. My trainer is 57 and an awesome person. I have a lot more confidence now than I did a year ago.
I know all to well what you describe about jealousy. Take one day at a time and concentrate on next steps not the end.
Hi Cynthia,
Thanks. That's good advice about taking it one day at a time. I tend to look too far ahead and there are just far too many variables to predict what might happen in the future. My wife tells me the very same thing. I'm just stubborn and it takes time to break my bad habits. I'm making progress though.
I just got back from the gym. I don't have a trainer during my workouts, but a trainer did create a workout plan for me to follow. So far so good.
I need to go out and now the "lawn" (it's currently more weeds than lawn!). The lawnmower has been broken for a few weeks while waiting for parts, so the yard has gone wild. It should keep me busy for the next several hours. 8)
Jayne
PS: Cynthia, I noticed in one of your other posts that you might change your name to Rachel. Do you prefer to be called Rachel?
Life is what happens while you're planning for it!
Boy (ahhh, girl), that was so true for me. You do need to keep it together but that isn't really a plan for living. It is only a plan for survival at best; at worst it sucks you dry (and did me until I nearly committed to an early end).
Try living a bit. It's actually what we humans are designed for. You'll find quickly so much of the fears and hesitation were just terribly unhelpful and way over-blown.
Just some thoughts as I looked back over the last 15 years.
Take care,
Rachel
Hi Rachel,
How true! I feel like my whole of. Have been planning for it, as you said, and instead I think life is just passing me by and I am missing out. Don't get me wrong, I have had some great times that I would change for anything, but as a whole I think I do more planning than living. It's kind of something that was drummed into me as a child, "plan for the future so you can have a good life and have what we didn't have". I kept hearing that kind of thing a lot throughout my childhood.
Sometimes I just get the feeling to sell everything, and take my wife and just travel the world until we can't travel any more! Maybe a bit extreme, maybe not. :)
It seems there is more to my current "condition" than being trans.
I'm currently on the train to go see my therapist. I'll make her work for her money today! :D
Thanks for your kind words of wisdom.
Jayne
Quote from: Jayne01 on September 20, 2015, 04:06:46 PM
I really wish I could find the right words to help my wife understand what it feels like to have gender dysphoria. It seems like an impossible task to explain to someone who has never felt dysphoria, what it feels like.
Hi Jayne,
I wish there was a way too. My wife just doesn't understand. I often think that if she could take testosterone for a short period of time she might understand a little better.
Take care,
Paige :)
Hi Paige, thanks for your reply.
I still haven't figured out a way to to explain what I'm feeling to my wife in a way that would make sense. Having said that, sometimes I think she might actually understand better than I do. She is so incredibly amazing, understanding and tolerant of my complete mental breakdown I'm having. My wife will be coming along to the therapist with me this week. I want to include her as much as I can. I'm hoping the therapist might be able to better answer some questions than if I just tried to muddle through it on my own.
I'm sure it is some kind of breakdown I'm having. All I seem to want to do lately is crawl into a tiny corner and just cry. When I look around our house and see photos of my wife and I on holidays we have been on and look at the smile on our faces and know they were genuine smiles of happiness, well, that just brings me to tears. I feel like I'm somehow in the process of erasing that person from my wife's life and also from my life and it makes me very sad. I'm stealing that away from my wife. I don't know what to do. It really hurts to think about it. I was happy in these photos. What happened. Am I not the same person anymore? Am I just erasing that happy person from existence? I feel so lost. I don't even know what I am. It hurts my head thinking about it. My mind just goes back and forth between male & female and everything in between.
I want to apologise for most of my posts coming across as long rants of "whoa is me" self pity. One day I will post something happy on here. Well..... my wife is still with me and is accepting of me and loves me for who I am. That's happy! I'll try and keep out the negative stuff sometime. But for now I need to vent a little, so if you are reading this, thank you for being there. I already feel a little better by just letting some steam off.
Jayne
Believe me when I tell you Jayne, you're doing ok. I get what you are going through (I am in quite a similar situation) and you are ok right now.
Thanks Katelyn. I generally feel ok with the occasional total meltdown. :)
Quote from: Jayne01 on September 26, 2015, 10:23:11 PM
I'm sure it is some kind of breakdown I'm having. All I seem to want to do lately is crawl into a tiny corner and just cry.
Been there. Done that.
Quote from: Jayne01 on September 26, 2015, 10:23:11 PM
When I look around our house and see photos of my wife and I on holidays we have been on and look at the smile on our faces and know they were genuine smiles of happiness, well, that just brings me to tears. I feel like I'm somehow in the process of erasing that person from my wife's life and also from my life and it makes me very sad. I'm stealing that away from my wife.
That is more or less what has happened. That is what my wife and her friends said to me and I denied it at the time. I insisted I was still me, but I was not. "He" was a fake. People liked him but he was not really me. Eventually, those who hung around got to know me and told me that the genuine me was much, much nicer than "him", but your analysis is spot on. The plus is that the future will be better for those who stand by you.
I have finished my transition and I now feel the calmest and most relaxed and happiest I have ever been in my life. There is hope for the future even if that is a long way away. Today's truth is that you transition then you will upset people's lives but if you do not transition you will upset people's lives and probably in an even worse way. You have to do something and if transition brings eventual peace to you and those around you then it will be the least bad option.
Quote from: Jayne01 on September 26, 2015, 10:23:11 PMI want to apologise for most of my posts coming across as long rants of "whoa is me" self pity.
Your world has been turned upside down. You are in fear of losing everything and everyone. You have not yet learned to manage with living in a social role that you were not raised in. It is not easy. You have a short time to learn everything that a woman has spent her life learning. It is entirely reasonable that your posts are full of pain and confusion and looking for support.
This is not my first time here and many years ago my posts were just like yours. Now I respond to other people who go through what I went through. Perhaps in time you will do the same, but for now all I can say to you is that this stage you are at is one of the most difficult and upsetting stages of transition but if you keep at it then you will get through it.
Hi chuufk, thank you for your support. It really means a lot to me to receive all this great support. The hardest part about this whole thing for me is putting my wife through this. She didn't ask for any of this and certainly didn't sign up for it. However, she is sticking around and tells me she isn't going anywhere. She loves me for who I am. She truly is a hero to me. That is so amazing and wonderful, but in some ways it makes it more difficult. I feel like the bad guy being the cause of cheating my wife out of the man she married. It seems that when we got married, I definitely got the "for better" part and she got stuck with the "or worse" part.
Don't get me wrong. I'm thrilled that my wife is accepting me, however I do feel guilty for changing her world in such a way.
Jayne
Quote from: Jayne01 on September 27, 2015, 11:19:36 AM
Don't get me wrong. I'm thrilled that my wife is accepting me, however I do feel guilty for changing her world in such a way.
Jayne
It has taken years for me loose much of the shame and a good part of the guilt about being trans. It's been a struggle. My therapist can certainly attest to that. We do differ a bit in opinion when it comes to my wife. She is the MAJOR reason for what guilt I do have for just the reasons you voiced. This guilt is justifiable in my eyes. She certainly did not sign up for this ride. In fact she exacted assurances time and time again that yes, my transitioning experiments are long behind me. Yes, I am just a cross-dresser, who had a dream once.
My wife is far from thrilled about a transition in my future. Yet, she has seen some pretty remarkable changes in me these past six years as I learn what it is actually like to be a for real person. A person with a rainbow of emotions and not just fear and anger. A person who can find joy in the world around her. A person she is glad to have in her life. A far better person then one I was growing into. One that she was growing to hate as I shut out the world around me as a way of killing emotions, killing any sense or hope for joy, in my vain attempt to keep Joanne locked away in the dungeon I put her into some 30 years ago
Quote from: Jayne01 on September 27, 2015, 11:19:36 AM
Don't get me wrong. I'm thrilled that my wife is accepting me, however I do feel guilty for changing her world in such a way.
I think that what you are feeling is quite normal. I have heard others say the same and I know I also feel the same way about my wife.
We have just ensured that we have a tremendous amount of fun together. In a way we have become best friends (we always were, but even more so) and we now do a lot of things together that previously we would not have done. We still have time apart from each other and our own friends too like any couple would do, but we have found a new way to share our lives and so far it is working just fine.
Hi Joanne and chuufk,
I'm glad you have both found ways to work through things with your wives. It's encouraging to see people face such challenges and find ways to stay together. I believe if there is true love in a relationship, you just want to be with this person no matter what, because to not be with them is simply not an option. I am fortunate to have that kind of relationship with my wife. We will also find a way to make this work. It doesn't make it any easier or make me feel less guilty, but it is very rewarding knowing we will get through this together.
Jayne
Hi to All:
I want to acknowledge all of you that are struggling to make a transition AND keep your relationship together. That is a tall order and so many, like me, were unable to do so . . . and in looking back I often wonder if I wasn't too strident about my needs, though my circumstances were emotionally quite severe and the marriage had been in stress for 2+ decades. I'll never know.
However, in the past few years I see more success stories and that heartens me. I admire you and your loved one's efforts and cheer for you where I failed. I'm over the guilt of this, and what's left are some lovely memories when my ex made things easier though not necessarily better in my view at the time. Now I see she was transitioning too and wish I had been more accommodating - maybe seeking a more relaxed timeline or a less hard position that my condition was real and would be dealt with come H___ or Hi Water. As a result and not surprisingly, we had a lot of both, and still managed to separate and divorce without an excessive amount of hysteronics.
I love her still but love wasn't enough. I was her MAN and she wasn't a LESBIAN . . . we could never bridge that gap.
Peace to you my sisters - you are much admired by me, however things turn out.
Love and peace to us all,
Rachel
Hi all,
My wife and I both went to the therapist together yesterday. I don't really want to share the details other than to say it went very well. My wife never ceases to amaze me at how much of a wonderful person she is. She wants to stay by my side and work through this together and constantly reminds me that she fell in love with the person inside me. I don't know if transitioning is the right answer for me, or more precisely a full transition with surgery and the works. It has been a HUGE step for me just to call myself transgender.
I really would like to thank everyone on here once again for all your support. It really does help. Hopefully, I can find what I need to do to bring some peace and calm to my mind. I know there are many options from doing nothing right up to HRT and all the surgeries. I suppose I could start at one end and stop when I find what is the right fit for me.
For those of you who have transitioned. How did you know how much of a transition you needed to do? Did you just kind of experiment until it felt right, or did you just know right from the start what you needed to do?
Jayne
Quote from: Jayne01 on September 29, 2015, 04:29:50 PM
My wife and I both went to the therapist together yesterday. I don't really want to share the details other than to say it went very well.
That sounds good. Congrats to you both :)
Quote from: Jayne01 on September 29, 2015, 04:29:50 PMI don't know if transitioning is the right answer for me, or more precisely a full transition with surgery and the works. It has been a HUGE step for me just to call myself transgender.
...
For those of you who have transitioned. How did you know how much of a transition you needed to do? Did you just kind of experiment until it felt right, or did you just know right from the start what you needed to do?
If you asked me five years ago I would have told you that HRT was enough and no surgery. I am now two months post-op. You cannot predict how it will go or how you will feel. Just take it one step at a time. The steps immediately in front of you are fairly obvious so tackle them and then once they are done, wait for a bit and see how you feel. The rest of the process will sort itself out as you discover your comfort zones and you and your wife travel the path together. Be wary of letting her dictate your goals because dysphoria is often a desperate
need that cannot be denied or rationalised, but do try and manage the
pace of change so that you both have time to adapt.
Thanks chuufk, I do plan on taking it slowly and at a pace that is right for both my wife and I. I'm still very confused. I have very mixed feelings about myself. Sometimes I'm thinking yes, I am transgender and I do need some kind of transition to find an inner peace. Then other times I think no, this is a phase and now it has gone away.
I think deep down I know what I need, but I am scared s_!tless about the path I'm trying to put myself on to get there.
Jayne
Jayne,
I am so happy to hear things went very well for you and your wife
at the therapist. I only two months ago confessed to my wife about who
I truly am in this world. I was certain that it would be a disaster but
she has been amazing. We have not gone to a counseling session together
but I am hopeful this might happen at some point. I am still kind of mess
mentally every day but coming out to family has definitely helped.
I to, am not sure what I want to do .. how far I want to go .. trying to figure
it out. It does seem like a incredibly slippery slope. Hope your days get
easier.
All the best,
Kath
Jayne: I found my original assumptions/desires morphed over time - eventually I went with SRS (3+ yrs into transitioning). I've observed that seems very common - your goals shifting, not necessarily SRS.
Take care,
Rachel
I've been hovering on the edge of this thread. I want to thank everyone for their honesty. I'm trying hard to find my own road with this issue. I'm not much of a poster but this whole discussion has been very helpful. Jayne, thank you for being so honest. I wish you all the best. We all deserve a shot at living our own true lives.
Dori.
Hi Kath, thanks. I'm happy to hear that it's going well with your wife. I know for me, I would be in an impossible place had my wife not been so wonderful and accepting. I'm certain I would be well on my way down a very dark path had she not been accepting. There was never really any doubt that she would accept me. It is a slippery slope, like you said, but slowly I'm gaining traction and moving forward. All you wonderful people on this forum have also helped me a great deal. Simply the knowledge that I am not alone has helped immeasurably.
The counselling session we had together was not a proper couples therapy. I just asked my wife to come along to one of my therapy sessions. It was kind of my way of making sure I keep my wife up to speed with my progress. I don't want to move forward and leave her behind. We might also start a couples therapy with someone who specialises in couples where one person is trans. My therapist has someone she can recommend.
I haven't come out to anybody other than my wife and therapist (also on this forum, but you only know me as Jayne, so it's a little different). I keep telling myself I don't know what I want to do or how far I want to go. I'm not sure that is entirely true. I think deep down I know exactly what I want, but when it comes to voicing out loud, fear and doubt creep into the mix and cause the confusion.
Once I get things straightened out in my head a little more I would like to come out to my brother and sister. It's important to me that they know, but first I need to get better at my own self acceptance.
Jayne
Hi Rachel and dori.
Rachel, I haven't ruled out anything as far as transitioning goes. I think it is important to take it slowly. I don't want to jump into the deep end, so to speak, especially when I'm not entirely certain how far I need to go. My wife has been amazingly accepting, even more than I am of myself. But whatever I do also affects her. I am willing to go only as far as necessary so that we are both at a point where we are happy. That may mean SRS, it may mean crossdressing 1 day a week and painting my nails. Whatever the end result, I'm sure with my wife by my side it will be awesome!
Dori, thank you for your comments. I'm glad you are finding this discussion helpful. I too don't post too much. Most of my posts seem to be me venting my frustrations. I spent a lot of time just reading other people's posts and usually don't feel like I can contribute anything. That's ok. Sometimes it just helps to read other people's stories, and if there is something you can personally relate to, it is comforting to know you are not the only one who feels that way. I occasionally reply to someone else's post, but right now I feel like I'm in a position where I need to accept help rather than offer it. I hope soon that I can give back something to help others.
Jayne
I'm not sure where this is all going for me either, but I do need to talk with my wife. I have discussed with my therapist the idea of going to a couples therapist and tell my wife in that context so that she has some support when she hears the news. Has anyone approached it this way? I'm worried she will freak out just hearing I want us to go to one.
Dori.
I'm sorry. I don't mean to redirect this discussion. Both for Jayne's sake and for mine. I'm getting a lot from this thread and don't want things misdirected. If anyone has any thought on coming out in couples therapy, l set up a new thread. https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,196816.0.html if anyone has any thoughts, please reply there.
Please let's get back to the topic at hand and sorry for the distraction.
Dori.
No problem dori. No distraction. I hope you find a way to tell your wife and that it goes well for you. I'm sorry I can't offer you any real advice on how best to tell her as I don't know your wife. You know her best, so all I can really say is go with what your gut feeling tells you. That's what I did, because no matter how much I analysed it, I could not find any easy way to give my wife the news. Happily, it is going well for me and my wife is very understanding and supportive. I wish you all the best.
Jayne
Thank you. That really means a lot. I need to tell her soon.
Dori.
Hi all,
Here is another update on the looney-go-round (technical term ;D) spinning in my head.
For those of you who have been reading my posts, you have probably realised I am struggling to come to grips with my "transness" (another technical term). I feel like my body should be physically female, but everything else is ok. I like my interests and my job which are typically male orientated. I don't particularly feel like dressing up in heels and makeup and be all "girly". I guess you could say I would identify as a tomboy.
My major source of confusion is that my feelings of having the wrong body are strongest when I go to bed at night and when I wake up in the morning, but as my day progresses and I get busy doing things, the feelings tend to fade away. They don't disappear entirely, they just kind of linger in the background without being too much of a nuisance.
The feelings are quite strong at night and mornings and generally if I'm alone with my thoughts for any length of time. I kind of feel happy when I start accepting myself for who I am. The acceptance is kind of a roller coaster at the moment. I am moving towards properly accepting myself, albeit rather slowly.
Don't really have a question here other than does self acceptance usually come with a kind of roller coaster effect of accepting then not accepting?
Jayne
(Note: TW Suicidal thoughts)
Jayne, I had a similar experience. It's never really left me but I wrote it off as an impossibility and moved on. I ate myself nearly to death. I dealt with my body dysphoria by trying to destroy my body. I'd go back and forth with, "But I like sports, I can't be trans," to "god, I'd wear a skirt everyday if I could." So I get the yo yo feelings. For me, if I'm being honest, I've already begun transitioning. It started when I broke my nail biting habit, then continued when I taught myself to live a healthy eating lifestyle with exercise. As the pounds dropped, I could see myself as a woman more and more easily.
There was a day back in late July, I had lost about 60 lbs and I was in a super dark place. I was healthier than I'd been in a long time but still depression clung to me. Up until this point, I considered myself a crossdresser. I was aware of this girl inside me who demanded to be called Katelyn. So I was sitting in my running car and all of a sudden this thought hit me. Staring ahead at my open garage, it would be so easy. Just pull up and close the garage door behind me and this terrible feeling would be over forever. I shifted into drive but then something stopped me. It was her, it was Katelyn. "You're transgender you idiot!" She said to me.
All of a sudden the air felt fresher and the colors were more vivid around me. I had a vague sensation of the world spinning, like I was completely drunk, but this only lasted for a minute. All of a sudden my burden was lifted and my life had purpose. Katelyn wasn't just some figure that resided in my head. I am Katelyn. She's gorgeous and funny and loves boys. Katelyn needed to be given the chance to live, I needed to live.
The point of my sharing that story is to say that self realization and self acceptance are not things that can be forced. However, when you experience them, it is a magical experience. I've since moved on to other hsrdships, but struggling with whether or not I'm trans is not one of them.
Hi Katelyn, thanks for sharing that. I'm sorry you had to go through that rough time. I'm glad you didn't go through with any drastic actions with that garage door.
I was just talking with one of the guys at work about 30 minutes ago. He told me that a relative had just passed away after a 2 year battle with cancer. I didn't know this person, but it was sad to hear, and she was only 36. Hearing the story also kind of stirred something up inside my head. Life is so short and precious and can be cut even shorter by illness or accident. So I tell myself that I'm not sick and have not been in an accident, but there is always a chance that misfortune can strike at any time. So I should enjoy life the best I can, and just be happy the way I am. I'm transgender, that shouldn't mean that now that I know I'm transgender my life is over.
I'm not entirely sure what I'm trying to say here. The words made more sense in my head than after I typed them out. I'm generally in a pretty happy mood today. Partly because it is a gorgeous day outside, but also partly because I am more accepting of myself each day.
So far I have only been to a few therapy sessions, but I am quickly learning that the therapist is not telling me anything I didn't really already know. She is just helping me think more clearly so that I can actually recognise what I'm feeling & thinking.
That was some more random thoughts brought to you by Jayne! :)
Oh my gosh, being reminded of my own mortality is easily the biggest trigger for me. I made a first attempt at coming out at age 18, not long after a close childhood friend of mine passed away in a car accident. After years of only passing thoughts of it, I dove seriously into crossdressing at age 30. You could say my 30th birthday made me reevaluate the direction of my life. I had a health assessment done last December that said I was at very serious risk for a sudden death health event. I responded in 2 ways, one a complete dietary makeover and 2, a complete set of new female clothes, wig and make up. I used to have a phobia of death, but now I have a phobia of never becoming my to authentic self.
Quote from: KatelynBG on October 02, 2015, 09:33:04 PM
I used to have a phobia of death, but now I have a phobia of never becoming my to authentic self.
Nicely put Katelyn,
Paige :)
Katelyn, I also have the fear of not being the true me, but I didn't even realise it until you said it.
It's strange how sometimes you know or feel something but it just kind of lingers in the back of your mind until someone else puts it into words, then you have this eureka moment where it kind of suddenly becomes clear.
Thank you for that eureka moment Katelyn.
Jayne
Dear Katelyn and Jayne:
May you both become who you truly are and revel long in your glory.
xxooxxoo,
Rachel
Hugs ladies, glad I could help.
Oh nuts!!! Yesterday I was in a really good mood and my head was in a place where I thought that I had accepted myself. Today, however, not so much. :( Is this roller coaster ride of acceptance/denial normal until you reach a place of permanently accepting yourself?
It is truly driving me bonkers! I feel like I need to find the right label to give myself before I can truly accept. Sounds silly, because I have never been big on labels, but I tried to come up with a label anyway. The best I could come up with was "trans-lesbian tomboy". I hope that doesn't offend anybody. I'm simply trying to find a term that would describe me in the hope that it will make it easier to accept myself for who I am. It didn't really help, well maybe it helped just S little bit.
The one thing I am noticing is that since coming out to my wife and therapist and joining this forum, I seem to have a much deeper desire to transition, at least to some degree.
Thanks again for reading and your support.
Jayne
PS: Thanks for your kind wishes Rachel.
Maybe transfeminine?
I'm not sure???? I don't think I would consider myself feminine. But maybe my idea of feminine is different.
Jayne
I tend to like labels. Just as with most words they are intended to convey a specific meaning or action, etc.. After six years on this roller-coaster, several of them living part as female, having achieved my life-long dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman, I still have no clear idea at all what "Label" to apply to myself.
In just about every way I am no longer floundering as I was. After much hard work and many discoveries, after finally accepting, even embracing, that I am trans, after finally finding some level of peace living in my own skin, I have finally achieved some sense of balance between my female and male aspects. There are periods where I feel I am on a teeter-totter, tilting much more to one side or another. Or just so sick to my stomach I just want OFF.
About the only label that seems to work for me, and has for most of my life is "Odd Ball"
I hope you will forgive a contribution from a very old timer. Back when I first transitioned (1965) I was too young to question what label I would own, and indeed I don't even think trans had really happened as a concept back then.
By the time I was ready for proper medically assisted metamorphosis in the mid 80's the process was routinely referred to as sex change, a term I still quite like because of course my "gender" did not alter, but my physical sex was changed to better reflect it. Again I don't think I even considered labels, beyond the fact that I would been horrified to be called trans, because I just didnt see myself through that lens.
In retrospect I accept that I have a trans past, and I trod the road of physical transition. So to that extent the label can be applied, but I am firm in assertion that it does not define my present reality.
So what am I, what did I become? I spent years torturing myself trying to figure that out and failing, because the essence of any of these labels is that they are never accurate. The label is not that which it defines, nor must the label ever be allowed to limit reality, which will always be more nuanced and complex.
So what indeed am I? The only way I can answer that after over 30 years postop, and many more than that living in my preferred role, is that I am ME!
So simple - yet its the only thing which fits. You can call me trans, intersex, non binary, binary, feminine, masculine, male, female, fluid, femme, butch, lesbian, gay, bi, straight, tomboy and all of these labels, every single darned one, looked at from one angle, contain some measure of truth. I am all of these things and more, and yet I am also none of them exactly. The only thing I am precisely is MYSELF! I believe that is true of all of us. You are simply becoming yourself.
I hope that may be of some help.
Sorry Jayne, trying to help. I'm basically a girly girl at heart so I'm doing my best. :D lol
Hi Joanne and Rejennyrated,
I tend to agree with Rejennyrated that labels would not be able to describe anyone 100% accurately. Having said that, I seem to have a need for some kind of label otherwise I don't feel like I belong anywhere which ends up getting me depressed. Joanne, I do like Odd Ball. It fits my wacky sense of humour. I also like your signature which I think I mentioned before. You have taken the old rock and hard place and added a pile driver. That always puts a smile on my face and I have a little chuckle when I see it. I hope you intended it to have some humour as well as truth when you came up with it, otherwise I fear I may have offended you. No offence intended.
I'll have to think about coming up with a unique label for myself. Maybe an acronym. Not for any real good reason other than for a bit of fun. Maybe it will help me a little to accept myself.
Jayne
No need to apologise Katelyn. We are all our unique selves. Each wonderful in our own way.
Jayne
Quote from: Jayne01 on October 04, 2015, 01:50:36 AM
The one thing I am noticing is that since coming out to my wife and therapist and joining this forum, I seem to have a much deeper desire to transition, at least to some degree.
Hi Jayne,
I often wonder this too. I was able to tell myself for years that it would never work. But since becoming active on Susans, even though I'm 53 and have quite a bit of hair loss, it seems really possible for me to transition. Perhaps because it's closer than ever my desire to transition has increased dramatically. And it was pretty bad before.
Take care,
Paige :)
Hi Paige,
After seeing the before and after thread, I was amazed at some of the amazing transitions. And it seems possible at any age. I used to think that unless you transition early, like in your teens, then there is no chance. I was wrong. I get a little sad and angry at myself when I think about it and not facing this at a younger age. In some ways it makes me feel like I have wasted my life not doing anything about it, but then I probably would not have met my wife and had, and still have, such a wonderful life together. It hurts my head thinking about it, so I try not to think about it too much.
Jayne
Hi Jayne, first of all I want to give you a big hug :icon_hug:
I just finished reading this entire thread and can relate to just about everything you have gone and are still going through. I too am lucky enough to have a wife that loves me unconditionally and is supporting me as I travel down this road. I only came out to myself about 8 months ago and told my wife soon after. For me this was very liberating but with this realization that I am transgender came; what the hell do I do now! I went through acceptance and denial just like you, it would drive me crazy at times!
What has seemed to work for me, in that I seem to finally be at a place that I am comfortable with myself and no longer fearful every day of what the future may hold. I decided early on that I would try and take baby steps towards acceptance and a transition towards an unknown outcome. The latter is a very scary thing to consider when there are so many variables involved; how will my transition not only affect me and my wife's future, but how would it affect the rest of my family ( I have two grown children just starting their own families).
Jayne, it was not easy to get to this point of where I am now, not to say I still don't suffer from dysphoria at times.
But just being able to take it little step by little step, I think I have a chance at a good outcome. So I guess what I am trying to say is, it will get easier as you take steps like you are doing; seeing a therapist and sharing here on Susan's and being open and honest with your wife. It takes time, don't beat yourself up for not being able to figure it all out right now. It will get better, be patient and trust yourself, what ever path your life takes, I wish you contentment.
Hugs, Stanna
Hi Stanna,
Thank you very much for your support and encouragement. It helps a lot. The common message I'm getting is to not rush things and good communication with your partner. I'm trying to do both and so far seems to be working. The not rushing part can be hard. It kind of lets doubts creep in and confuse the issue. This is not something you want to rush into though. I need to make certain I'm doing the right thing.
Jayne
I am so close to just giving up. This constant struggle in my head of whether I'm transgender or not is driving me nuts. And if I am transgender, I don't want to be. It is not something I have asked for. It is causing me so much stress and in turn causing a lot of stress for my wife. That, I cannot accept! What right do I have to cause hurt and pain to my wife? Why can I not just get this dysphoria crap under control and just get on with life!
I want to bury Jayne so deep in the bottom of my mind that she never surfaces again. EVER!!!!
I feel like I'm too weak in the mind to accept myself for who I am and I'm also too weak to just dismiss Jayne and be just a normal man. If I just accept myself as being transgender, I feel like I'm giving up too easy without a fight. I need to fight this, right?
Is it normal to struggle so much with acceptance?
Jayne
I do not know of anyone who wanted to be trans. I do know of plenty of people who tried to bury the inner woman and for all of them, they lost and she won.
This is completely normal for "trans".
You ask if you should be fighting it.
I figured out I was trans when I was about 11. But because of lack of knowledge, shame, parental condemnation, etc. I figured I would just fight it and it would go away.
Fast forward 33 years to when I was about 44 and I was rehearsing with my pistol for the final solution.
Fighting it won't work. At best you will just become a shell and wander from day to day waiting for the end of it all.
So there is that option or there is the option just to accept that it is what it is. Then figure out how far you have to go to regain the joy of life.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Thank you chuufk and Deborah for your support. I have just spent the past hour lying in the fetal position crying my eyes out. I'm not even exactly sure why I am crying. It's possible that it is sinking in that yes I am transgender and that is terrifying to me. It is terrifying because of everything that being transgender would mean. Family, friends, work. I know it is not an impossible task. All you wonderful people are living proof that life goes on and indeed gets better. That knowledge doesn't make it any less scary.
My brother asked me to be godfather to his daughter. Of course I said yes. I would love to. But I have not come out to anyone except my wife and therapist. The christening is about 4 weeks away. I owe it my brother to tell him about my "condition". I don't know if I'm ready to come out to anyone else just yet, since I barely accept myself. But he needs to know that his daughter's godfather could potentially be her godmother some day. That is causing me quite a bit of stress on top of all the other crap going on in my head. I will speak to my therapist about it next week.
Why does it have to be so hard to just simply be alive???
Jayne
I have also sat in the fetal position for hours at a time. What you are experiencing is normal for trans. You are at the most terrifying stage where no one knows about you and you cannot understand how you will be able to tell anyone.
Oddly enough once you start telling someone it gets easier to tell other folk.
Yesterday I did a little experiment. In the morning I was working on my car for a while. During that time the dysphoria was gone. I had to make a conscious effort to think about my gender. So much so that I couldn't understand why I ever thought I was female in my brain. So I thought I should shave my legs. Not because that is what I felt I should do right then. In the past I thought women shave their legs, so I should too. But yesterday I approached it differently, because the dysphoria wasn't there at the time. So I decided to shave to see what reaction I would have afterwards. It was kind of mixed feelings. I thought, yes I like the feeling of smooth skin and the abundance of fur gone, but I was also thinking "what are you doing man?".
Well today I woke up in a very unpleasant place. I realised I actually like being shaved, and it suddenly became very real for me! It feels to me like it is the first tiny tiny step in transition, and it is like male me has no say in the matter. I think I would have been able to handle a doctor telling me I have 3 months to live better than accepting myself as transgender, let alone transition. (I hope I haven't offended anybody. I'm not saying being transgender is a bad thing, it is just incredibly hard to accept myself as transgender)
I have been awake now for nearly 7 hours and still haven't managed to get out of bed. Between crying and beating myself up (literally! I think I now have a bruise on my leg from punching myself). I want to be a man. I don't want to be a woman. Yet my brain keeps fighting me and telling me I have the wrong body and should really have all the female bits. I just don't understand. If I am transgender (MTF), shouldn't I "want" to be a woman? It's like there are 2 parts to my brain having this battle, and who wins is anyone's guess.
Than you for putting up with my ranting. I'm having a bad time lately.
Jayne
Been there. Your brain is battling your emotions. If I had a dollar for every time I told myself to man up.... ugh, no thanks, I will never say that phrase to myself again.
Jayne01: I am sure you have read my post and I have left enough of them laying around I suspect pretty well everybody has. I sound relaxed, calm and well put together but that wasn't case about 40 years ago. The pressure had built to the point where I came very close to ending my life. The only thing that stopped me was I decided that there was one option for happiness that I hadn't tried and that was a medical solution. Even after that there was a good deal of crying, depression and days were I was dragging all day long because I was tired of fighting to move forward. I wanted peace. I wanted help because I didn't a clue how to pull off a transition. I didn't know makeup. I didn't know what to do with my voice. I didn't know what to do with my facial hair. I even feared growing my hair out less somebody might figure out what was on my mind.
My therapy group was like Susan's helping me with all those problems and when I could see the woman in the mirror, the pain started to fade. The doctor was really good and much of the advice I give others was given to me by my doctor.
By the time I was ready for surgery, all the pain and depression was gone and it has never come back. I am happy because I can enjoy the many small things in life that give pleasure. Sometimes walking out the door and seeing how nice the day is. Other times walking out side and seeing the excitement of a storm forming. The company of others or enjoying a past time like being on Susan's. Once the pain is out of the way there is much pleasure to be found.
You are very early in the process and the next few months will be difficult. We will help you all we can but the battle inside you is going to continue. If you stay with us, I can promise you a bright future.
Quote from: Jayne01 on October 07, 2015, 06:52:51 PM
I just don't understand. If I am transgender (MTF), shouldn't I "want" to be a woman? It's like there are 2 parts to my brain having this battle
The problem is that you do not "want" to be a woman. You
are a woman who can no longer tolerate her situation.
Take a few days off, let yourself go with it and see how you feel, but I suspect that the real problem is the fear of how others will react if you tell them.
Jayne, have you actually talked to your wife about it? That is a big step, and kind of a crossroads. In the end though, you have to do for you and no one else; otherwise, you'll wind up hating and that is never any good.
I wish I had my license already and I could get you down here to Mobile; I would counsel you and anyone else who needs it at a nice discounted rate (as any member would get) or pro bono if it were necessary. It can get noisy, yes. The noise will not go away; you have to learn how to control it and to not let it control you.
Let me know how it is going, k?
Always,
Marlo
Thank you all so very much for your support. It helps even though sometimes it may not seem that way when you read my rants, but slowly I'm understanding.
Dena, thank you for sharing a little about your past. I hope I can come through this and be as happy and relaxed as you seem to be.
Marlo, yes, I have spoken with my wife. She has been amazingly supportive and understanding, more than I deserve actually, with my frequent meltdowns.
I met my wife at her work for lunch today. I actually felt a lot better after lunch. We are both riding in a charity bicycle ride for cancer this weekend. I'm looking forward to it and getting my mind off things for a couple of days.
Thank you everyone once again for your support. It means a lot to me.
Jayne
Hi again. Sorry if my last post didn't make too much sense. I wrote it late at night when I should have been asleep.
I'm actually feeling pretty good today. Must have woken up on the happy side of the bed instead of the self pity grumpy side I woke up on yesterday. :)
I really want to sincerely thank you all for your continual support. You are all such nice people taking time to help complete strangers. Before joining this forum, I used to think the world was running out of good people. I'm glad that is not the case.
On a different subject. I found this makeover app for my iPhone the other day. I was having fun changing hair styles and applying makeup to myself. The app is really cool. My skills at hair and makeup, not so much! :D I created some....lets just say interesting.....versions of myself. I was wondering what I would look like as a female. More practice needed, unless I'm going to audition for a circus!
Jayne
Excellent thread! It's so nice to know people have gone through what I'm going through and have thought the same thoughts as me.
You're all the most wonderful bunch of supportive ladies I've ever seen.
Thank You! :)
Quote from: Kylie1 on October 08, 2015, 08:19:56 PM
You're all the most wonderful bunch of supportive ladies I've ever seen.
This should be said more often. Without you ladies here, I think I would have gone crazy quite some time ago.
Paige :)
I'm really happy that this thread is helping other people. I was feeling a little selfish thinking only I was benefiting.
Jayne
I remember doing this myself. It was the night I finally broke the barrier that kept me fromg accepting that I am trans. I cried, I was afraid of the implications. First thing that came to my mind was "no one will know." However, if no one will know and I'll live like this without transitioning, life would be terrible for me. So I cried coz I'll never be complete..
Then I realized something, everything can be planned. Now, I'm planning on moving out, going to a different city far from people I know and live a new life. It'll take long before I could save enough, but I'm getting there. There are sacrifices, family is one of them, but I need to start a new. A rebirth.
Quote from: Jayne01 on October 09, 2015, 02:23:17 AM
I'm really happy that this thread is helping other people. I was feeling a little selfish thinking only I was benefiting.
Jayne
I have to think a lot of "Oldye Timers" are here because we've ran the gauntlet and survived. Anything, any hint, any clue, any trick, any insight etc., that we've picked up along the way we are eager and anxious to share.
So is it being selfish accepting a gift given freely?
Hi iMarcella and Joanne. Thank you for your comments. I appreciate your support. Getting s range of advice from "Oldye Timers" and new is really fantastic.
I'm back in a weird place. The dysphoria hasn't really been there today and most of yesterday. It has left me questioning once again if I am really transgender or is there something else going on. It is very confusing when this happens. Some days I think yes I am female and want full transition, surgery, the works. Then other days it's more like "dude! What are you thinking. You are happy just as you are". Don't be surprised if in a day or two I put another post up here in the complete opposite mindset.
Jayne
Hi Jayne,
You and I are in similar positions, I "came out to myself" at the end of August. I have similar feelings, where some days I feel fine and wonder what the fuss is about, and others where the dysphoria is terrible. When you're feeling good it's natural to question your transness, things would be so easy if you weren't. I can't read your mind but for me I know that the simple fact that I couldn't sleep for three days after coming out to myself, and that the more I experiment with femininity the better I feel means that I am on the trans* spectrum no matter what.
My therapist has told me that I need to not think about transitioning or not as some sort of either or proposition. I should view it as "what steps can I take to make myself feel more comfortable" if that means hormones and surgery so be it, if it doesn't need to go that far then great. I think you might want to try thinking about it that way.
None of us asked to have this, whatever path you end up choosing yo should feel some amount of pride that you've faced down something few people can imagine dealing with.
E
Quote from: Jayne01 on October 10, 2015, 04:30:03 AM
Hi iMarcella and Joanne. Thank you for your comments. I appreciate your support. Getting s range of advice from "Oldye Timers" and new is really fantastic.
I'm back in a weird place. The dysphoria hasn't really been there today and most of yesterday. It has left me questioning once again if I am really transgender or is there something else going on. It is very confusing when this happens. Some days I think yes I am female and want full transition, surgery, the works. Then other days it's more like "dude! What are you thinking. You are happy just as you are". Don't be surprised if in a day or two I put another post up here in the complete opposite mindset.
Jayne
It is a good 6 years now that I took the first real step of my journey and went to my first ever TG support group meeting in August. I have had MANY WTF Am I Doing ??? meltdowns in the early years. I still have doubts about myself which goes along with overconfidence about how through the shear force of will I can once again "Get over it".
One of the first absolute truths I remind myself constantly of is:
"I know what does not work"
After a good 30 years of working really really hard at doing the shear force of will, distractions, diversions, and denial route it had finally sunk in that that does not really work without a lot of anger and self medication with alcohol and food. In other words, completely loosing your soul in the process.
The other absolute truth I am reminded of is every morning seeing that happy joy filled woman looking back at me in the mirror. I am not even part-time really and definitely not full. Yet I see her, I see the real me, most days. Yes, there are the darker days when I force myself, I think, to only see the "Sad Old Man".
There are days, the WTF days, I think about my wife and the effect this is having on her. I think about loosing my job if I came out. I think about how I am too oldye for this crap. I think about being a pariah in the community... "One of Those People". I think way too much about loosing the very well earned respect of my co-workers where being a freak will over-ride being the hero engineer 10 to 1. Yet, I've seen the promised land, and crossed over to it. I know first hand the joy of being out in the real world as the real me and having achieved my life long dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman.
Oh, the other absolute truth... I am really really good at beating myself up to the point of self destruction. Thankfully I have my live in reality therapist, aka my wife, to hit me up the side of the head with the metaphysical 2x4 to help bring me back to the real world.
This also supports my corollary of "99% of passing is attitude". That and two disastrous experiments back 30 plus years ago with transitioning and having the "Some guy in a dress" attitude envelope me.
Quote from: Jayne01 on October 07, 2015, 06:52:51 PM
I have been awake now for nearly 7 hours and still haven't managed to get out of bed. Between crying and beating myself up (literally! I think I now have a bruise on my leg from punching myself). I want to be a man. I don't want to be a woman. Yet my brain keeps fighting me and telling me I have the wrong body and should really have all the female bits. I just don't understand. If I am transgender (MTF), shouldn't I "want" to be a woman? It's like there are 2 parts to my brain having this battle, and who wins is anyone's guess.
Than you for putting up with my ranting. I'm having a bad time lately.
Jayne
Jayne, I feel a lot the same as you.
The thing that keep coming to my mind, is that if I am really a transgender, there is a lot to go through, and I don't want to take that path.
Many times in my life, I did the question "If I could have a female body, like magic or some god power, like I was born that way, would I get it?" The answer is a huge YES. But having to do the transition, dealing with all the things that come with, I just dont have the courage for that. And admire those who has it.
In time, I get this makeup app that you said, and the feeling when I first saw a female version of my face was so amazing! But I just can't imagine someone else seeing me like that.
Well, and thanks for sharing your story, it is really good to see another people dealing with the same thoughts.
Bye
Thank you all again for your support. Just got home after cycling about 210km over the weekend. I'm feeling sore all over, but it was fun and was for a great cause, to raise money for cancer. My wife did it with me this year, and she isn't really a cyclist. I'm so proud of her. I wonder if the lack of dysphoria over the weekend was because there were a lot of other things going on???
E, I'm glad you are also going through something similar. Well, not glad you are actually going through it because it sucks. But I'm glad I'm not the only one. Sounds like good advice from your therapist. I'm seeing my therapist again on Tuesday. Doing a 2 hour session this week, so hopefully we can get through a fair bit.
Joanne, I'm guessing from everything you and others have said that with time, things will get clearer in my head about who and what I am. I too am an engineer that has earned a lot of respect with my co-workers. I don't know what effect it would have if I came out to them, but I suspect I would at least lose some respect and would have to work hard at re-gaining that respect back. I try not to think about that too much, otherwise I would make myself crazier than I already am. I can also relate to you live in therapist. I am lucky enough to have my wife hit my on the side of the head (figuratively speaking) whenever I start beating myself up. She is forever telling me that I am way too hard on myself.
Brunx, taking the path of transition is a really scary thought. I often ask myself if I had that magic button what would I do. I think almost every time my answer is to press the button. On the other hand, if there was a different magic button that only removed the dysphoria and everything else remained unchanged, then I think I would push that button before the one that made me a girl. My reasoning is, if the dysphoria was not there, then there would be no problem and life would just happily go on. Too bad these hypothetical buttons don't exist. I could even be happy to then just toss a coin and go for either button. ;D You're welcome about me sharing my story. Telling the story helps me a lot, so I should be thanking all you wonderful people for reading and replying.
Jayne
Well, this button that could remove the dysphoria would solve the problem. But if I had the choice between these two buttons, I would still pushing the one that made me a girl.
Quote from: brunx on October 11, 2015, 10:59:49 AM
Well, this button that could remove the dysphoria would solve the problem. But if I had the choice between these two buttons, I would still pushing the one that made me a girl.
Me too
I know this is all very hypothetical and kind of pointless, but without the dysphoria, the desire to be a girl would not be there either so then I would be a "normal" cis-male. Trying to understand how these imaginary buttons would work is making my head hurt. :D It's like trying to understand how the future would be affected if traveling back in time were possible.
Anyway, I guess the point I was trying to make was that either magic button would be OK because in both cases the hurt, pain and confusion would not exist.
Jayne
I thought once about what I would do if there were two pills. A blue pill to erase every bit of conflict and make me male and a red pill to erase every bit of conflict and make me female.
I choose the red pill every time. It's not so much for the physical aspect. Rather I feel that if I took the blue pill I would be somebody else. For all practical purposes I would cease to exist. The blue pill is cyanide for the soul.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
3 of you have said you would choose the red pill/button every time without question. That adds to my confusion. It makes me think I'm not trans, instead there is something else that is causing me to have this conflict in my head. Because for me, it doesn't matter if it's the blue or red pill/button, as long as the conflict goes away. I don't feel that either option would change who I am inside. Wow! I think I have opened up a can of worms here trying to decide between two options which are both imaginary.
I'm so confused!?!? I have no idea where I belong on the gender spectrum. I've read that gender is decided before birth and a child has a pretty good idea of their gender identity by about age 3 to 5. I'm 43, and I think the department of gender identity in my brain is on an extended lunch break! I keep calling it to find out what I am but there is no answer. ???
Jayne
Quote from: Jayne01 on October 11, 2015, 05:38:06 PM
3 of you have said you would choose the red pill/button every time without question. That adds to my confusion. It makes me think I'm not trans, instead there is something else that is causing me to have this conflict in my head. Because for me, it doesn't matter if it's the blue or red pill/button, as long as the conflict goes away. I don't feel that either option would change who I am inside. Wow! I think I have opened up a can of worms here trying to decide between two options which are both imaginary.
I'm so confused!?!? I have no idea where I belong on the gender spectrum. I've read that gender is decided before birth and a child has a pretty good idea of their gender identity by about age 3 to 5. I'm 43, and I think the department of gender identity in my brain is on an extended lunch break! I keep calling it to find out what I am but there is no answer. ???
Jayne
I suspect most/all Red Pill Poppers have seen or are living in the promised land. Before I learned I can be seen as and accepted as a woman I likely would have opted for the blue
Quote from: Jayne01 on October 11, 2015, 05:38:06 PM
3 of you have said you would choose the red pill/button every time without question. That adds to my confusion. It makes me think I'm not trans, instead there is something else that is causing me to have this conflict in my head. Because for me, it doesn't matter if it's the blue or red pill/button, as long as the conflict goes away. I don't feel that either option would change who I am inside. Wow! I think I have opened up a can of worms here trying to decide between two options which are both imaginary.
I'm so confused!?!? I have no idea where I belong on the gender spectrum. I've read that gender is decided before birth and a child has a pretty good idea of their gender identity by about age 3 to 5. I'm 43, and I think the department of gender identity in my brain is on an extended lunch break! I keep calling it to find out what I am but there is no answer. ???
Jayne
In actuality there is no blue pill. There is only transition. That's the point that I got to. 95% of my waking thoughts are about my gender identity. It's awful. Even my good moments are clouded by thoughts of "This would be better if I was a woman." And not in situations where gender would make a difference, like watching my daughter play at the park.
At the same time, my wife is already on record that the marriage cannot continue if I transition. She's also 9 months pregnant and I'm not about to put my unborn child's life at risk nor risk missing her birth because my wife is filing for divorce. So I drudge on, swallowing my emotions. Not telling her what's wrong when she asks. Not telling her how I sob at night when everyone else is asleep.
Katelyn, I'm sorry you find yourself in such a difficult situation. I wish I had some comforting words to give you. I don't have any children, so I don't know what it feels like, but I imagine that witnessing the birth of your child would be something special. Maybe that is something you could focus on to help take your mind off things.
Jayne
Ahhh, My Dear Katelyn but for the Passage of Time Go I:
A Secret - - - - -
It's all made up by someone: partly by you, partly by those you know and the rest by everyone else. That's the big secret about life; it's what we say it is. If what we say is workable for having a life we love then great and if otherwise life is still life (and maybe great too seen through a different lens but seldom our own).
It can be pretty brutal to deal with life like that, unless you can accept whatever happens in your life you are responsible for because you were/are there. However, there's a simplistic beauty and a world of love in that notion as well. Without getting any more esoteric, the implication is you have the power of choice, and choice is all about being able to create a life you love and can live with joy and peace.
Your wife is going to ultimately to choose (or decide and note the root: "cide") and it's perfectly acceptable and expected in healthy people that they should choose regularly including you. You seem to have a good sense about timing just now but that time will end soon enough. When that time comes choose to have a life you love, and be open and caring about choosing and taking action.
Many of us have stared deep into that abyss you are staring into. You do not have to look there if you choose otherwise. That choice can be as simple as giving yourself 5 minutes a day to be who you are. Maybe you want 5 minutes or 55 minutes, you simple choose and be called by that choice. Maybe in time you will want a life like that all the time; you can choose that too.
This will not make the noise go away, but in a little while the noise will to begin dampen, and someday it simply will be the background noise we all have because we are human.
Here's something to consider as a game: What little thing, key for the exercise is 'little,' is now missing from your life which would make a difference if you had it. Then choose it and act accordingly. In time you'll build muscle (the good kind - lol) around choosing and doing . . . where you go from there is up to the woman you are.
Please stay in touch and know many, many sisters are here for you,
Rachel
Thank you Rachel, that brought a tear to my eye. This place is so supportive, I'm not sure what I would do without it.
Rachel, you have a real talent with words. Thank you for being so supportive.
Jayne
Hi all,
I went to see my therapist yesterday. We had a 2 hour session this time. It was good. The time goes so quick. I'm really struggling with accepting myself, especially after having days like last weekend where the dysphoria was pretty much gone. I have trouble identifying what I'm actually feeling at any particular time, which causes me confusion. For example, I don't know if it is fear of transitioning, anxiety, hatred of myself, worry about what I'm putting my wife through ??? I wish my thoughts came with little neon signs so I could properly identify them.
My therapist asked me if I would like to take some test for other conditions like depression, anxiety, autism just to put my mind at ease. I keep asking her if it is possible that I might have some other condition that may be causing my dysphoria. She doesn't think I do, but is happy to run whatever tests she can come up to help me. Too bad there is no test for ->-bleeped-<- (is that even a word?). Maybe by the process of elimination I can more easily accept myself.
She also asked if I prefer that she call me Jayne rather than my actual name. I didn't seem to bothered about that. I currently only present as male and have only ever been called my male name (except on this forum). She also asked wether I would prefer she start using female pronouns and refer to me as a woman. I told her that "woman" had an odd feeling about it. I prefer female to woman. I don't know why. I can think of myself as female, but I have trouble thinking of myself as a woman. Does anybody else feel that? Does that mean anything?
I just remembered, during our 2 hour session, I needed to use the bathroom. I asked her where it was and she said the men's is right across the hallway and the ladies is to the right. She told me to use whichever I felt comfortable with. Again, I didn't seem too bothered either way, it's just a bathroom. I ended up using the men's incase there were other women in the ladies, I didn't want to make them feel uncomfortable with a guy walking in.
Jayne
Sounds like you have a good therapist. Mine has done many of the same things. She refers to me as Katelyn and uses feminine pronouns in private and I think in her notes. It's very comforting to me that she accepted that so quickly. Occasionally I notice that she slips the first time she says my name in the session and then doesn't slip again for the rest of the time. It doesn't bother me, I like her.
One thought that crossed my mind was, if you were a cismale, wouldn't it bother you that your therapist would even ask you if you wanted to be referred to with a female name and pronouns?
Also sorry about my previous long post. It turned into something completely different than what I intended to put out there.
Hi Katelyn,
Thank you for your continual support.
Quote from: KatelynBG on October 13, 2015, 04:30:37 PM
One thought that crossed my mind was, if you were a cismale, wouldn't it bother you that your therapist would even ask you if you wanted to be referred to with a female name and pronouns?
I'm not sure. The whole reason I'm seeing the therapist in the first place is because of this confusion in my head. I think she is just being good at her job asking me if I prefer female name and pronouns. So it doesn't bother me that she asked.
I keep trying to ask myself if I would be happier as male or female. I can never answer that question with any certainty. And thinking about it just ends up making me frustrated and angry. I feel so lost. At least when I tried to bury these feelings I would go through whole spans of time without feeling bad, until I had a complete meltdown. Having a complete meltdown once every few years might be a better option. I don't know. I don't feel like I belong anywhere.
Can someone please hit me in the head with a club or something and tell me what the hell I am? ???
Quote from: KatelynBG on October 13, 2015, 04:30:37 PM
Also sorry about my previous long post. It turned into something completely different than what I intended to put out there.
Please, no need to apologise. We are all here to seek help and offer help where we can.
Jayne
Maybe you're bigender and feel like floating between the two at a whim?
Maybe!? I'll bring it up with my therapist next week. Thanks Katelyn.
Katelyn,
I've read through all of your posts. I'm in the same boat in many ways. Any transition is impossible for me right now. Physically and for work. I work in an all male environment where big and strong is a must. You will find having this conflict will actually make you a better father and a better husband in some ways. Just know that you're not alone.
Xx 😊
Thanks Kylie. I'm determined to transition as soon as possible. Whenever that is.
Hello,
I don't know what is going on. I'm going from bad to worse. Every time I look in the mirror, I see a man. Every time I open my mouth, I hear a man. My mannerisms say I'm a man. My interests are typically make interests. My brain doesn't know what the hell it is. Sometimes it feels female, sometimes male. Every day I wish that I simply was never born. My whole existence feels like a cosmic joke.
No matter how hard I try, I cannot imagine myself a woman. Yet there is this constant recurring feeling inside that I am. I so desperately want to rid myself of this dysphoria crap and just be a normal guy. There is no way I could ever pull off being a woman. I don't even feel like I'm a human anymore.
I frequently have thoughts of how I would end myself. I'm not suicidal, but I'm scared that one day I might be. If I was crossing the road and accidentally tripped, and a truck was coming, I'm not so sure I would hurry to get up out of the way.
I keep reading topics on this website. Everyone seems to know what they are. Their struggle seems to be around how to find a way to reach peace with who they know they are and how the world sees them. I have no idea what I am. I don't know where I belong. Thinking about this makes me so angry I just want to break everything in my sight. This is no way to live. Maybe if I'm lucky a truck might take me out after all.
Jayne... Or John..... Or whoever the hell I am! :'(
Hi,
I too go through this sort of thing, it can be very hard to see myself as a woman but I also know I'm not just a normal man either. The uncertainty can be scary, I know this first hand. I guess all I can really say is you're not alone, and you don't have to make some sort of binding decision this second. You have plenty of time to think things over and figure out the path that is right for you.
Quote from: Jayne01 on October 15, 2015, 12:26:34 PM
Jayne... Or John..... Or whoever the hell I am! :'(
You're you, and that's all you need to be.
I think that you and I are similar in that we want to figure out the best course of action right away, and then take immediate steps to get on that course. I've found that this sort of thing doesn't work in this situation. Being unsure of yourself can be frightening, but it's nothing more than an opportunity to explore who you are.
I think you should definitely talk to your therapist about what you've said in your most recent post, and if these thoughts get worse I really want you to contact some of the resources at the top of this forum.
*Hugs*
E
Mannerisms are mostly cultural and learned. And what is a typically male or female interest? If you look really carefully you can see those are largely cultural and enforced by society. Gender identity is separate from all that and is further confused because most of us in earlier times forced ourselves to inculturate stereotypically out of self preservation. It's all very confusing and it takes a tremendous amount of introspection and review of all past experiences and emotions to untangle the web.
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Hello E and Deborah,
Thank you so much. I really needed to hear something supportive. I am my own worse enemy. Most of the doubt, uncertainty, fear and whatever else is created by my own mind. I have only come out to my wife, therapist and Susan's. Not one single person has been unsupportive other than me.
Would someone please hit me with a 4x2 to knock some sense into me? I get myself all wound up and worried for no reason other than I have created some impossible scenario in my mind. I need someone to periodically slap me back to reality.
E, don't worry, I'm not about to do anything stupid. I come up with horrible dark thoughts, but every single time I can come up with several reasons why that would be totally stupid, selfish, cowardly and just plain inconsiderate to the people that care for me. I'm not going anywhere. Thank you for caring.
Jayne
I used to try and
second guess myself based on personal interests but for every instance I could point out a real life exception to whatever rule I tried dreaming up. Plus I raised both a son and a daughter and it's a whole lot more complicated than liking to cook or hating sports for instance. Not to mention that the US Army just this week has its third CIS woman graduate as a US Army Ranger. So what can we make out from that stereotypically male pass time? There are just too many exceptions to reach any meaningful conclusions based solely on interests.
The best I can come up with is that it's just an innate sense of self. Unfortunately that is a sense that is virtually impossible to describe or communicate in words.
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Hi Deborah, thanks for the reply.
Quote from: Deborah on October 15, 2015, 07:57:06 PM
I used to try and
second guess myself based on personal interests but for every instance I could point out a real life exception to whatever rule I tried dreaming up. Plus I raised both a son and a daughter and it's a whole lot more complicated than liking to cook or hating sports for instance. Not to mention that the US Army just this week has its third CIS woman graduate as a US Army Ranger. So what can we make out from that stereotypically male pass time? There are just too many exceptions to reach any meaningful conclusions based solely on interests.
That makes sense. I never truly believed that what our interests are define how we feel inside, or that you are more male or female based on what you do. When I start doubting myself, my mind stops working logically and I start reasoning in ways that really make no sense. I know that being an army ranger doesn't make a woman any less of a woman or not liking sports make a male any less of a man. However, I stupidly use arguments like that to try and convince myself I'm not trans.
Quote from: Deborah on October 15, 2015, 07:57:06 PM
The best I can come up with is that it's just an innate sense of self. Unfortunately that is a sense that is virtually impossible to describe or communicate in words.
You're not kidding! I cannot describe it to myself let alone put it into words that someone else could understand.
I have confused myself so much. I don't think of myself as a woman. That seems foreign to me. However, if I was to say I am a female, that somehow fits and feels ok. Don't ask me why the different words make a difference to me. I don't know. Obviously, not having started any form of transition, I am physically male. But if I was to medically transition, I think I could easily see and accept myself as female, but I don't think I could call myself a woman. Does that make any sense to anyone or am I just getting picky with words?
I've never really thought of myself as a man either. Sometimes I'll be waiting in line at the checkout in a supermarket or something and I'll hear a mother tell their little child to step aside and let the man through (I might only be buying 1 thing). It takes me a moment to register she was referring to me.
Jayne
I get paid well to second guess and worse case things to death. In my work I design things that can kill people or otherwise cause very bad things to happen if not used right. And of course there is the always present admonition from the owner of the first company I worked for "We don't make money on In-Warranty Repairs". When it comes to second guessing things to death, playing out scenarios to their ultimate end, I am a Queen. BUT, it is slowly sinking into my thick skull that it is all very one sided.... The worse case scenario and never the best case scenario. It is easy to blame over-thinking things as an occupational hazard. The truth is, for me, it is or was part or my core essence that helped me in one aspect of my life. It is also a major detriment in others.
Then, there is the "Who made you God?" or "Since when were you appointed Empress of the Universe?" question I've gotten a lot from my wife as well as my therapist. Why you ask? Because there I am wanting to control said universe and/or the future. History has proven I have pretty much zero ability to predict the future, much less control it.
One lesson I've learned these past six years on my journey is I am 0 for 100 when it comes to correctly predicting anything trans related. Too close to the problem maybe? Yet that still doesn't stop me from trying. Just not as hard or as often as it used to be. Maybe it is just the overwhelming futility or sense of hopelessness about me and my life for any sort of happiness or joy? The feeling that my whole purpose in life is just to be that good soldier that does what she is told/asked to without any concern for her own well being?
To get past this you need to try to live more in the moment. Not in the past. Not in the future. Are you in a better place now, or worse? What parts are better? What parts are worse? Is this place Good Enough? The most difficult question for me. The answer more so since it can and does change often. Especially when the spanner gets dropped into the gear box.... again
Hi Joanne. You and I seem similar in many respects. I overthink things a lot. In my work, that is a good thing. If I screw up at work, people will die by the 100's. So I will think of endless scenarios to make sure the decisions I make are the right ones so that people are safe. That doesn't help so much in life outside of work. At work, constantly thinking up worse case scenarios is one way to make sure that none of these scenarios eventuate. But in some respects, that is kind of easy because I understand the machines that I work on. And as complex as these machines are, they have nothing on the human mind. I understand very little about how the mind works, so I default back to my engineer brain and start relating things to machines, and that is not a very good comparison. I like what you said about second guessing everything is very one sided. There is always the best case scenario to think about. I never thought of it that way.
If I was one of my machines at work, I would cut all the power and do a full reboot. Maybe some of those gremlins would go away. If my mind worked on computer code, I could just imagine all these different subroutines each doing their thing trying to achieve conflicting goals and they would be stuck in an endless loop first going one way then the opposite way.
Jayne
I going to see my therapist today. Last week we talked about doing some tests for other conditions to see if they might be causing my dysphoria. Things like depression, anxiety, autism, she mentioned a bunch of stuff. I think it is purely for my benefit as a process of elimination. She is already quite confident that I am transgender, but I need to work it out for myself. Maybe doing these tests might help. If it is nothing else, then the only thing left is me being trans. I don't know what format these tests take, I'll find out today hopefully.
Jayne
Just saw my therapist. It was a good session. She wasn't able to do the tests we talked about for a number of reasons. Due to my continuing resistance to accepting myself and any form of transition, she came with an experiment for me to try until our next session.
I think because I feel like I sight somewhere in the middle of the gender spectrum with occassional trips to both ends of the spectrum, I can't imagine myself transitioning in any physical way. There are also other reasons that make me think it might not be a good idea for me. So instead I'm going to try and set Jayne free within my head where she can reside in my mental happy place. Maybe that way I can learn to accept that Jayne forms part of what makes me ME, but she doesn't do it alone. John is part of me too. So if I can allow the male and female parts of me to co-exist rather than try to have only one side take over, then maybe that is the answer for me, without any physical outward transition being necessary.
It is worth giving it a try for. I'll see how it goes.
John/Jayne (Joyne??? :))
Hi Jayne. Sorry it took so long to get back with you. Here are some books that may be helpful;
Trans Bodies, Trans Selves (Laura Erickson Schruth); Trans Complete (Joanne Borden); On Becoming A Woman (Jennifer Corbett); and finally The Transgender Guidebook (Anne L. Boedecker).
Hope this helps :-)
Be safe!
Marlo
Quote from: Jayne01 on October 22, 2015, 01:19:08 AM
Just saw my therapist. It was a good session. She wasn't able to do the tests we talked about for a number of reasons. Due to my continuing resistance to accepting myself and any form of transition, she came with an experiment for me to try until our next session.
I think because I feel like I sight somewhere in the middle of the gender spectrum with occassional trips to both ends of the spectrum, I can't imagine myself transitioning in any physical way. There are also other reasons that make me think it might not be a good idea for me. So instead I'm going to try and set Jayne free within my head where she can reside in my mental happy place. Maybe that way I can learn to accept that Jayne forms part of what makes me ME, but she doesn't do it alone. John is part of me too. So if I can allow the male and female parts of me to co-exist rather than try to have only one side take over, then maybe that is the answer for me, without any physical outward transition being necessary.
It is worth giving it a try for. I'll see how it goes.
John/Jayne (Joyne??? :))
I've been trying the "peacefully coexist" route for some 5 years now. The Ying-Yang tugging and pulling this way and that is a MAJOR emotional drain. I have just as many and equally valid reason to go one way, or the other. Maintaining stability in a dynamically unstable system takes more more processing power then I have available while standing on the corner of Hopelessness and Futility.
I have doubts it is even humanly possible. My wife is absolutely sure of the path I am going to take. I look forward to the day I wake up on the un-sunny side of the grass, rather then reverting back to the numbed, emotionally shutdown in order to cope, existence I had.
Hi Marlo and Joanne.
Marlo, No problem! Thanks for the references. My therapist actually let me borrow her copy of Trans Bodies, Trans Selves just last week. Lots of info in that book.
Joanne, I can understand the emotional drain you are talking about. I don't really see any alternative for me. If I can make it work it would be the best solution for me, short of the previously mentioned magic blue pill to send Jayne off permanently to greener pastures. It has taken my whole life to reach a place where I am comfortable and happy with life and then Jayne decided to take control of my mind. I don't want to lose everything I have worked for in my life, wife, house, job, family, etc. It is no doubt going to take some serious effort and will power to keep Jayne only within the confines of my mind. Maybe not locked up and buried, but somehow just form part of me without any physical transition. That might burn me out mentally, but if I don't give it a try I will feel like I just gave up too easily and I'm not one to just walk away from a challenge.
Jayne
I'm 61 and this has been buried since forever. I'm just starting this but since I've opened this door, I don't think I can shut it again, and on some level I really don't want to... I'm not sure that's a good idea. My whole life I've shut myself off from people protecting this secret and it has taken a toll. Just be careful. Please. (This from someone who has only told a therapist and one very accepting friend. Not my wife. Ask me again in a few weeks.)
Dori.
Quote from: JoanneB on October 22, 2015, 09:11:04 PM
I have doubts it is even humanly possible. My wife is absolutely sure of the path I am going to take. I look forward to the day I wake up on the un-sunny side of the grass, rather then reverting back to the numbed, emotionally shutdown in order to cope, existence I had.
Hi Joanne,
Interesting, my wife is pretty sure that eventually I'll transition. I haven't done it in 50+ years, I'm not sure how she can be so sure.
Take care,
Paige :)
I love a good irony...
What sends me into spontaneous crying jags, keeps me up at night, the cause of many a hangover, why I've once again spent a week crying myself to sleep is the gut wrenching fear and the dread of "reverting". Reverting back into that "thing" I used to be before I ventured once again down this road.
The Dark Side of the Force is powerfull
Quote from: JoanneB on October 24, 2015, 07:08:56 AM
I love a good irony...
What sends me into spontaneous crying jags, keeps me up at night, the cause of many a hangover, why I've once again spent a week crying myself to sleep is the gut wrenching fear and the dread of "reverting". Reverting back into that "thing" I used to be before I ventured once again down this road.
The Dark Side of the Force is powerfull
I know. It's like I'm in a cave venturing out for the first time. Ahead I see light, but it's unknown and I feel fear of the unknown. But behind is only darkness and there are monsters lurking in that darkness. I pause to consider the choice but really there is no choice so I turn back towards the light to take another step.
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Quote from: Deborah on October 24, 2015, 08:22:52 AM
I know. It's like I'm in a cave venturing out for the first time. Ahead I see light, but it's unknown and I feel fear of the unknown. But behind is only darkness and there are monsters lurking in that darkness. I pause to consider the choice but really there is no choice so I turn back towards the light to take another step.
I know that feeling Deborah. Everything in front of me seems daunting and unknown, and it scares me. But if I look back at what I was before I accepted my self, the mere thought of going back to that person scares the hell out of me worse. So I am taking small steps out of that darkness and I am finally after so many years of confusion and self loathing starting to see a light in front of me that looks bright, and I am drawn to it.
Stanna
Hello everyone,
I haven't been on here for a bit. I took some time to try and figure some stuff out. I thought I had a good plan. I was intending to somehow keep Jayne in some kind of "happy" place in my mind while continuing to live a "normal" male life. HA!!!!! Am I delusional or what!
Today I had this uncontrollable urge to once again shave my legs. I then proceeded to put on a pair of stockings, then I wore some shorts and went out to the shops. First time I have ever been out in anything remotely feminine. The stockings were skin colour, so not easily visible from a distance. Most people would thing that going out in public is some kind of achievement. I had this complete and utter hatred for myself. I was so ashamed that I am unable to control my feelings. I feel like a complete failure as a man, as a human.
Deep down in my subconscious, it is becoming painfully clear that I want/need to be a woman. However, the conscious everyday me wants to be a normal everyday man. I keep having thoughts of the world being a better place without me. The hate I have for myself is so total and complete right now. I just want to drive my car off a cliff. (Don't worry, there are no cliffs anywhere near me!). I won't do anything to myself, but the thoughts keep entering my mind. It's like I have zero control over my own life. How can I absolutely want to be a man, but at the same time have this underlying desire and need to be a woman????
I am at a complete loss about what I should do. I don't want to feel like this! I must be destined to live my life as a ....... I don't even know what I am........
Sorry for yet another depressing post. I feel very lost right now.
J
Quote from: Jayne01 on November 01, 2015, 08:07:20 PM
... How can I absolutely want to be a man, but at the same time have this underlying desire and need to be a woman????
For me, my dear old friends, Shame & Guilt were behind most of it
You have to love the feeling of being woman. We have the rare pleasure of seeing it from both sides, woman is about love, Never hate yourself for feeling so good as a woman, I am new in this community but I have gone through of twenty five years of hiding my feelings. Now that I am alone I am enjoying an awesome and scary ride not knowing how far this will take me. If you are forced to be both genders always remember the female side is the nice one, the peaceful one.
There is definitely no shortage of shame or guilt in my head. I shouldn't feel that way. It should be ok to be yourself right? Why should shame and guilt come to the party, they weren't invited!! :)
BurnieBells, when I do think of myself as female, and before shame, guilt and self loathing have a chance to creep in, I do indeed feel more peaceful, which I guess in turn would make me nicer. Hmmmmm?!? That should tell me something shouldn't it?
Jayne
Quote from: Jayne01 on November 02, 2015, 09:04:26 PM
There is definitely no shortage of shame or guilt in my head. I shouldn't feel that way. It should be ok to be yourself right? Why should shame and guilt come to the party, they weren't invited!! :)
BurnieBells, when I do think of myself as female, and before shame, guilt and self loathing have a chance to creep in, I do indeed feel more peaceful, which I guess in turn would make me nicer. Hmmmmm?!? That should tell me something shouldn't it?
Jayne
Hi Jayne:
I've reading along and note that many here are genuinely contributing and offering their help, stories and feelings for you. I am glad we have this place just for moments like this.
I also wanted to share a thought I had this evening as re-read the last page of this thread. Behavior, in part, is fundamentally a means of satisfying needs we have - all our needs in someway or another contribute to why we behave the way we do; it's how our machinery works. Of course, there are tons of strategies and coping skills that come into play to as part of the learned behaviors in response to our needs.
Given this, I wonder what you are getting for yourself out of the see-saw ride you are on. As I thought about that I also recalled that because I need something does not mean that I'll be better off when that need is met; in fact, during my transition quite often just the opposite was true. I began to unpack what those underlying needs were without attribution that they made me a good or bad person to have those needs - I just had them and that was that. This meant I couldn't have any excuses or circumstances either; rather, I had my needs. Everything else was consequence of having them.
So the big question became, what's the payoff from satisfying those needs, particularly ones that clearly weren't helpful with respect to my 'my' overall health, well-being and spirit. At that point I could make a rational, logic based assessment of whether I wanted that payoff or not. Hmmm, my needs weren't immutable were they. With that came the realization that I could choose to have that payoff or not . . . Either way it became a choice and choice was/is one he__ of a lot easier to live with than the whims and whips of satisfying some unspecified set of needs.
It made me become an honest broker with myself (not making any assumptions about you here) and life began to take shape in the form of: 1) This is who I am, 2) I choose to do these things to satisfy the needs I have chosen to satisfy (and the opposite is true, i.e. not choosing a need), and 3) I get what I get because I am choosing it - consciously or not.
It wasn't overnight and it wasn't and still isn't perfect, but for sure there's little wiggle room anymore for not having what I want (aka satisfying my needs).
This sounds pretty airy-fairy but it's the fundamental difference in having the life you want (and you've got to own you want it) and being happy about the state of affairs therein day-to-day.
Love and all the best,
Rachel
Hi Jayne,
Sorry that I am a bit late into the conversation. I could never transition, there was no way, even though I knew I was female from an early age.
In the end I did (thank the goddess!) and my life changed to one of happiness. But I went through similar emotions to what you and the other women have reported, doubt, fear, restless nights and doom filled days. The fight. The terrible fight.
I recall my first therapy session so long ago now. I asked the psychiatrist if he could make me stop feeling this way - could he make me be a man. (Ha! in retrospect!).
He just looked at me quite sorrowfully, and said I can change your body to match your brain, but I cannot change your brain to match your body. I can give you T shots, but they will plunge you into despair. I can give you E shots and I think that will resolve your issues.
I transitioned.
After a few months as my body changed and my dysphoria went away and I could finally take off the towels that covered the mirrors, I realised I had this unnatural feeling; I was happy. I didn't recognise the feeling; I realised I had never been happy.
My wife responded in an odd way, she said one day. 'You've changed, yes you have boobs, yes you dress as a woman, but I see something in your eyes that I have never seen before: happiness.'
'I now realise you are a woman and have always been one; I'm so sorry I ever doubted that.'
We celebrated our 34 year of marriage this year. We are finally a couple.
Was it easy? No. Was there self doubt? Yes. Am I happy? Oh goddess yes.
Well here I am again on this nauseating roller coaster. Before I go on to my rant, I really appreciate all the support and help you are all offering. It is truly welcome and needed. Thank you.
So here is my rant. I am once again doubting my feelings and wondering what all the fuss was about. It is like when a child plays with a light switch ON-OFF-ON-OFF etc.... I feel ok one minute. Actually better than ok. I feel great just the way I am, then the switch flips and I want nothing else other than to be a 100% woman without delay, right now! Then some time later, minutes, hours or even days, the switch flips again and I just want to be the way I am.
If I was always either one way or the other, I'm sure I could find a way to accept it. But this back and forth business is making me crazy. How could I possibly make any decision on which path I should take when I switch back and forth?
What am I? How can I live like this??
J
PS: I know my posts may seem a bit inconsistent in the way I come across as far as how I see myself. That is because the way I see myself seems to change so often and the way I feel what my gender is swings all over the place. It is a major source of confusion, frustration and anger at myself.
You have two options. The first is it's normal for the trans feeling to vary. When you are distracted as in work or problem solving, the feel can pretty well fade out. When you have nothing to keep you busy such as at night waiting for sleep it can become pretty strong.
The other option is you are gender fluid if you find yourself comfortable in both rolls. Only you can decide which you feel and where you want to be.
Hi Dena, I don't really understand gender fluid and how to live a life as gender fluid. Maybe worth exploring with my therapist. But the way you describe it, option 1 seems to fit me....mostly.
Thank you
Jayne
Gender fluid is a really hard concept for me to grasp and confusing for somebody who is. Think of it as waking up one morning and feeling male and the next feeling female. If you are thinking about surgery, you have to decide which you feel more. I saw a post from a person who was gender fluid and they had two names and two different looks they would switch between them depending on how they felt. It doesn't really solve the problem but it helps them cope. I think it's about as hard for me to grasp how a gender fluid person feels and it would be for a CIS to grasp transsexualism.
I do often feel either male or female. It causes me endless confusion. I do need to discuss it with my therapist to first understand what it is I am actually feeling and then how to deal with it. Gender fluid seems like a very difficult thing to cope with.
Jayne
I've had similar extremely intense Male-Female-Male-Female...... feelings early on. Looking back now it is safe to say:
A) I had No Clue at all what actually living breathing female for me would be or is like. All I had was a pathetic image in a mirror that poorly aligned with my internal image. Forget about being out in the real world. The wounds from my previous 'experiments' 30 years earlier took a very long time to sort of heal
B) Being male was really all I knew and TBH mostly had to feel, out of survival. It was mostly an automatic, trained reflex. Pretty simple when you think about it. A few grunts, angry explosion. Down a six-pack or two ;D
C) Staying male was the simple, safe, comfortable route. As I like to say, No sane person Wants to be TG!
Any wonder there are EXTREME "WTF Am I Doing ??? " swings? Couple that with the Shame & Guilt twins sitting on your shoulder shouting into one ear, while this quiet, serene sounding voice whispers what scares you more then anything else, even death?
No matter how hard I try to wish otherwise, I am not "male", I am a female in my heart and soul. However, that is not stopping me from going out and changing the alternator in my car that died last night. It's part of who I am as much as being girlie-girl. Whenever a serious thought passes through me about stopping this craziness as I stand on the corner of Hopelessness and Futility, the pain of never seeing or being Joanne is too painful.
I had a really low personal point a few months back on the heels of a series of disasters that in a dark mood I easily went to "Even fate is against me". After a few days it suddenly hit me "I do want to NOT Be Able to transition". I absolutely cannot allow that option to be taken off the table, any more then I cannot allow myself to devolve back into that lifeless, soulless thing I was.
Hi again everyone,
I have been away for a couple of weeks. My wife and I had to rush away overseas due to a death in the family. During the first week, visiting hospital and later funeral, the gender dysphoria took a distant back seat. So much so that I found that I was angry with myself for ever thinking I was trans. As things started to settle, the dysphoria came back and I would wake up every morning thinking to myself "I want to be a woman and I want it NOW!"
I see my therapist again on Tuesday. I have so many things I need to talk about I will need a much more than the 1 hour session. This whole thing is such an emotional roller coaster.
Jayne