Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hello,

I am kind of back from taking a short break from this website. I need to find out if there is anyone out there like me, because right now I can't relate to anybody and feel very alone. I know many of you have tried to help me and I am very grateful for your help, but I still struggle to relate to anyone's story.

A little information about me. I am a 43 year old male, married for 14 years. I came out to my wife about 6 months ago that I think I might be born in the wrong body. My wife is struggling but also understanding and sticking by me. I never really "knew" that I was trans or "supposed" to be a girl. There have been times throughout my life where I wished I was a girl but it has never been something that constantly ate away at me. Lately it has been getting worse and my dysphoria ranges from completely off the charts to non-existent. So sometimes I think I am definitely trans, and other times I think WTF was I thinking, I'm just a guy. It is incredibly confusing. I have been seeing a gender therapist for a few months now and thought I was making progress. But over the Christmas break I seem to have gone backwards and now am struggling more than ever. I have trouble accepting I am trans and do not want it under any circumstances.

I have 2 questions.
1) How can you know for certain that you are transgender? There is no medical test to prove it.

2) Is there anyone out there that has a similar story to mine? From what I have read, people either know they trans from a young age or those that find out later in life welcome it and are happy to be trans. I DON'T want it. I just want to be a normal guy. It is ruining my life.

Thank you for reading my rant.

J

Hi J!

I've replied before, that I'm in a similar boat.  41, married 18 years, 3 children.

I think I knew from early on I was different, but I chalked it up as being weird, defective, or just "wrong".  I spent my life denying I wanted to be a girl.  Over the years, my wife has accused me a number of times of wanting to be female and I always denied it to her, and myself.

The fact that I wore women's panties and shaved my body religiously was enough for her to make the conclusion.  Finally this past year after a huge fight where she again accused me of it, I admitted it to her and myself, that I am trans.  However, I don't know if I will transition, although I want to, because I will lose her and may lose the children if I do.  Many times, I wish I could be rid of the dysphoria and just have my soul match my body.  I just don't see it happening.  Funny thing is, after admitting I'm trans, my wife points out my "male" qualities and says I'd make a horrible woman...

I've purged all feminine things and acted as male as I can many times and always come back to the feminine.  That tells me I am trans, whether or not I wish to be.  In some ways, admitting I am trans, and thinking of NOT transitioning makes it worse... I look at myself in the mirror and dislike the masculine appearance.  On the flip side though, while wearing my breast forms feels right, I also end up feeling fake, and "wrong" again.

I tend to feel like I'm spinning and spinning like a top.  Just when I start to slow down and settle, something starts the spinning all over again.

You're not alone.  You can PM me anytime you wish to talk.

You sound similar to me.

I tried not to do anything, but it was driving me crazy. I got pretty desperate and tried low dose HRT. That felt rather awesome, and then I stopped it. Stopping was worse than before I started. I started again, then stopped, and went round that a few times, and eventually just gave up and stayed on it. It was too hard. I figured that call it what you will, I can't live without HRT.

Some year later I can only say that if I wasn't trans when I started I am now.

I know I'm trans because I tried and failed not to be trans.

HRT will likely convince you one way or another.

Hi Jayne,

I don't have the answer you seek but I want to clarify something I said the other day that may have been misunderstood.

I said that in looking for my own answer I hoped that it was transsexual and not something else.  That may have left the impression that I welcomed it.

But that wasn't really what was in my mind.  It was more like this.  I recognized at a fairly early age that I was not the same as everyone else.  I thought it was trans a few years later and then spent the next four decades questioning that.

So when I say I accepted myself early I simply mean that I recognized in myself that I was different and accepted that simply because I saw it as a fact.

When I say I hoped it was trans I didn't mean that I wanted to be trans.  What I meant was that I recognized the fact I was "something" and trans was to me the most acceptable answer.  Other possible answers I felt degraded me, such as being crazy or being a sex fiend pervert.   The reason I felt this way is because in the case of trans my identity was real, if out of the ordinary.  If it was the case of something else then I would be lost and unable to trust even my own mind.  I would have no identity of my own at all.

I'm not sure I'm communicating that very well but it's compressing decades of intense thought into a few sentences.  When I spoke to my therapist I told him that I estimated I had already spent in excess of 12,000 hours thinking and reading about this alone.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

If you can ask the question, "Am I trans?", the answer is yes.  If you weren't, you wouldn't ask the question.

No one wants to be trans.  There are people here who are happy to have discovered their real identity, or who are happy to be transitioning.  But no one wants the suffering of having to deal with it all.  People deal with it because they need to.

Like, you, I just wanted to be a normal guy.  Sometimes, I wondered, but I talked myself out of it, thinking that I just wanted to be normal.  I tried really hard for 60 years to be normal.  Finally, I had to admit that it wasn't working.  If 60 years of effort didn't work, then there is no way in hell that I am ever going to be normal.  It's not something I chose; it's not something I am happy about.  In fact, it is something that I have a lot of trepidation about dealing with.  But now I know that it isn't going to go away.

Admitting this to myself has reduced my anxiety level considerably.  Whether it is down enough that I can just carry on is something that I don't yet know.  Whether I will transition fully or partially, I don't know.  Whether my marriage will survive, I don't know.  All I know is that this is who I am, for better or for worse.

Quote from: Deborah on January 05, 2016, 01:38:34 PM
Hi Jayne,

I don't have the answer you seek but I want to clarify something I said the other day that may have been misunderstood.

I said that in looking for my own answer I hoped that it was transsexual and not something else.  That may have left the impression that I welcomed it.

But that wasn't really what was in my mind.  It was more like this.  I recognized at a fairly early age that I was not the same as everyone else.  I thought it was trans a few years later and then spent the next four decades questioning that.

So when I say I accepted myself early I simply mean that I recognized in myself that I was different and accepted that simply because I saw it as a fact.

When I say I hoped it was trans I didn't mean that I wanted to be trans.  What I meant was that I recognized the fact I was "something" and trans was to me the most acceptable answer.  Other possible answers I felt degraded me, such as being crazy or being a sex fiend pervert.   The reason I felt this way is because in the case of trans my identity was real, if out of the ordinary.  If it was the case of something else then I would be lost an unable to trust even my own mind.  I would have no identity of my own at all.

I'm not sure I'm communicating that very well but it's compressing decades of intense thought into a few sentences.  When I spoke to my therapist I told him that I estimated I had already spent in excess of 12,000 hours thinking and reading about this alone.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I know I have spent countless amounts of time reading up on gender dysphoria, and trying to determine if I had it, then convincing myself I didn't have it.

I think we all spend inordinate amounts of time denying the truth because of how we fear being perceived. 

Its not what we know, its what YOU know.  You know you are feeling increasing levels of dysphoria and the accepted conventional wisdom suggests transition of some kind is the best treatment.  You can find your unique place on the gender spectrum and you still have a supportive spouse to boot.  Your life is never in total ruin until the final gong and you have lots of time to work it out now that you know.  Sure its confusing but so are really fun puzzles we pay to play. :D

Quote from: KathyLauren on January 05, 2016, 01:43:26 PM
If you can ask the question, "Am I trans?", the answer is yes.  If you weren't, you wouldn't ask the question.

No one wants to be trans.  There are people here who are happy to have discovered their real identity, or who are happy to be transitioning.  But no one wants the suffering of having to deal with it all.  People deal with it because they need to.

Like, you, I just wanted to be a normal guy.  Sometimes, I wondered, but I talked myself out of it, thinking that I just wanted to be normal.  I tried really hard for 60 years to be normal.  Finally, I had to admit that it wasn't working.  If 60 years of effort didn't work, then there is no way in hell that I am ever going to be normal.  It's not something I chose; it's not something I am happy about.  In fact, it is something that I have a lot of trepidation about dealing with.  But now I know that it isn't going to go away.

Admitting this to myself has reduced my anxiety level considerably.  Whether it is down enough that I can just carry on is something that I don't yet know.  Whether I will transition fully or partially, I don't know.  Whether my marriage will survive, I don't know.  All I know is that this is who I am, for better or for worse.

Well said and strongly resonant for me, thank you Kathy

The determining factors are different to each person's experience I guess, for some it's a strong wish or maybe a not so strong wish, for others like me it's so severe it limits my ability to live a normal life and has changed my life goals significantly from those of most people I know. They are off getting married, having children and building nests to grow old in and here I am just trying to pull the pieces of myself together to try to find what feels like a complete person.

Jayne,

I am me tooing on it all sounding fairly familiar.

I am 51. Married for 25 years with 3 daughters. I never "knew I was a girl the whole time". I felt other and outside my whole life. I thought I was an occasional pervert for most of my life because I would buy (or borrow, when younger) panties and bras. I forgot that when I started doing this, it was before puberty and might have had some sexuality built in but not like later. I was in such denial and confusion that it wasn't till last January that I could approach the idea I was a cross dresser. The problem is that it didn't all fit(so to speak). I didn't want to go back to being a guy, I didn't ever feel like a guy, I just felt like an other or a puppet.

After therapy started, I came to the next conclusion, I am transgender. Not because I fit the mold. Because I could ask myself that(as has been previously stated), and because it felt right(note I did not say good). There are times now where I (I think most of us) rebound and question this thought. However, the symptoms(hate using that word) never go away and often come back stronger.

When I first looked at the idea of being transgender, I was pretty sure it wasn't me. There are a series of questions and mini essays I found that helped me answer for myself and my therapist. Not that it is absolute and measurable.

I think I have rambled enough. I guess I can't answer #1 for you but #2? You don't seem so different from my experience. I wish you love, and acceptance wherever your journey takes you.

With warmth,

Joanna

Quote from: Tommi on January 05, 2016, 01:31:13 PM
Hi J!

I've replied before, that I'm in a similar boat.  41, married 18 years, 3 children.

I think I knew from early on I was different, but I chalked it up as being weird, defective, or just "wrong".  I spent my life denying I wanted to be a girl.  Over the years, my wife has accused me a number of times of wanting to be female and I always denied it to her, and myself.

The fact that I wore women's panties and shaved my body religiously was enough for her to make the conclusion.  Finally this past year after a huge fight where she again accused me of it, I admitted it to her and myself, that I am trans.  However, I don't know if I will transition, although I want to, because I will lose her and may lose the children if I do.  Many times, I wish I could be rid of the dysphoria and just have my soul match my body.  I just don't see it happening.  Funny thing is, after admitting I'm trans, my wife points out my "male" qualities and says I'd make a horrible woman...

I've purged all feminine things and acted as male as I can many times and always come back to the feminine.  That tells me I am trans, whether or not I wish to be.  In some ways, admitting I am trans, and thinking of NOT transitioning makes it worse... I look at myself in the mirror and dislike the masculine appearance.  On the flip side though, while wearing my breast forms feels right, I also end up feeling fake, and "wrong" again.

I tend to feel like I'm spinning and spinning like a top.  Just when I start to slow down and settle, something starts the spinning all over again.

You're not alone.  You can PM me anytime you wish to talk.

Hi Tommi, thanks for replying, again. :)

I don't actually remember a time of "wanting" to be a girl. The feeling has been there but never a welcome feeling. Always a feeling of wrong, shame, embarrassment, etc. I think I have buried this stuff so deep that I am having a real problem knowing if it is even real anymore. It kind of feels like a bad dream.

I have shaved my legs a few times over the years and as much as I like the smooth skin feeling, it always leaves me thinking "what have I just done" and end up wearing long pants for next 6-8weeks. My wife and I went shopping before Christmas and we bought a dress for me to wear at home. When I wear it, I feel like a guy wearing a dress and it feels all wrong. Especially when I look in the mirror and see a somewhat overweight guy in a dress looking back at me. There is nothing remotely feminine about my appearance.

And what complicates things even more for me understanding this is that there are times where I am quite happy to be the guy I was born as. I don't mind the way I look (losing some belly fat would be good though), but then there are other times where everything about me is just wrong.

I am so confused! My therapist is working hard to help me, but sometimes I just feel like a lost cause.

J

Quote from: AnonyMs on January 05, 2016, 01:38:18 PM
You sound similar to me.

I tried not to do anything, but it was driving me crazy. I got pretty desperate and tried low dose HRT. That felt rather awesome, and then I stopped it. Stopping was worse than before I started. I started again, then stopped, and went round that a few times, and eventually just gave up and stayed on it. It was too hard. I figured that call it what you will, I can't live without HRT.

Some year later I can only say that if I wasn't trans when I started I am now.

I know I'm trans because I tried and failed not to be trans.

HRT will likely convince you one way or another.

Hi AnnonyMs,

I've thought about HRT. It scares me a lot. I have always resisted taking any form of medication unless absolutely necessary. I rarely even take a headache tablet. And how could I start HRT before I even know if I'm trans and want to transition. Wouldn't that be me getting way ahead of myself?

J

Quote from: Deborah on January 05, 2016, 01:38:34 PM
Hi Jayne,

I don't have the answer you seek but I want to clarify something I said the other day that may have been misunderstood.

I said that in looking for my own answer I hoped that it was transsexual and not something else.  That may have left the impression that I welcomed it.

But that wasn't really what was in my mind.  It was more like this.  I recognized at a fairly early age that I was not the same as everyone else.  I thought it was trans a few years later and then spent the next four decades questioning that.

So when I say I accepted myself early I simply mean that I recognized in myself that I was different and accepted that simply because I saw it as a fact.

When I say I hoped it was trans I didn't mean that I wanted to be trans.  What I meant was that I recognized the fact I was "something" and trans was to me the most acceptable answer.  Other possible answers I felt degraded me, such as being crazy or being a sex fiend pervert.   The reason I felt this way is because in the case of trans my identity was real, if out of the ordinary.  If it was the case of something else then I would be lost and unable to trust even my own mind.  I would have no identity of my own at all.

I'm not sure I'm communicating that very well but it's compressing decades of intense thought into a few sentences.  When I spoke to my therapist I told him that I estimated I had already spent in excess of 12,000 hours thinking and reading about this alone.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Hi Deborah,

Thanks for clearing that up, because I did misunderstand your reply the other day. I have also wondered whether I am crazy, or some kind of sick sex pervert.

I never felt like I fit in from a young age, but being trans didn't enter my mind, or if it did, I have buried those memories so deep that I don't remember. I currently do feel lost and I don't trust my own mind. That is why I am looking for proof that I might be trans, because I don't trust myself. I have often thought of myself as not having my own identity. I am easily swayed by other people's views because I don't have any idea what my own views are.......on any subject. I am a non person! I can relate better with a machine than another human.

Maybe I am some kind of experimental robot that escaped from the lab before being completed. :)

J

Quote from: Jayne01 on January 05, 2016, 01:15:52 PM
I have 2 questions.
1) How can you know for certain that you are transgender? There is no medical test to prove it.

2) Is there anyone out there that has a similar story to mine? From what I have read, people either know they trans from a young age or those that find out later in life welcome it and are happy to be trans. I DON'T want it. I just want to be a normal guy. It is ruining my life.

1. A very long time ago I asked this question and I was told "You just know." At the time I did not understand but now I do. You just know if you are.

2. My story is pretty similar. I did not know from an early age that I am a woman but I always knew something was just not right. It took me FOREVER to figure out what that was even though the answer was just screaming at me. At that point in time, I just could not accept that I am trans.

Like you, I dont want this and for about a year after acknowledging I am trans, I would go through cycles where I was okay with it and desperately looking for any way not to be trans. I finally realized no matter how much I wanted to wish this away, it was not going away. Now I focus on where it is going to take me. Will I fully transition or will I find a spot somewhere along that path and just be happy there? Only time is going to answer that even though I am pretty sure the answer.

Quote from: KathyLauren on January 05, 2016, 01:43:26 PM
If you can ask the question, "Am I trans?", the answer is yes.  If you weren't, you wouldn't ask the question.

No one wants to be trans.  There are people here who are happy to have discovered their real identity, or who are happy to be transitioning.  But no one wants the suffering of having to deal with it all.  People deal with it because they need to.

Like, you, I just wanted to be a normal guy.  Sometimes, I wondered, but I talked myself out of it, thinking that I just wanted to be normal.  I tried really hard for 60 years to be normal.  Finally, I had to admit that it wasn't working.  If 60 years of effort didn't work, then there is no way in hell that I am ever going to be normal.  It's not something I chose; it's not something I am happy about.  In fact, it is something that I have a lot of trepidation about dealing with.  But now I know that it isn't going to go away.

Admitting this to myself has reduced my anxiety level considerably.  Whether it is down enough that I can just carry on is something that I don't yet know.  Whether I will transition fully or partially, I don't know.  Whether my marriage will survive, I don't know.  All I know is that this is who I am, for better or for worse.

Hi KathyLauren,

At the risk of sound inoffensive (I have offended people before by saying this), to me being trans is similar to being diagnosed with cancer or having a brain tumour. What I mean by that is that nobody would want those illnesses, but if they have the misfortune to have them, then they need to find a way to deal with it. The same with trans. You don't want it, but if you are trans you have to find a way to deal with it. Does that sound like a reasonable comparison, or am I just wrong and way off the mark?

J

One of the problems I see here is: what exactly does it mean to be trans?

For me, being trans means that living as a man is incompatible with my nature.  I can do it, but it doesn't work very well, and it hurts a lot.  (A TG story I like has the trans character describing it as being like walking around with shoes on the wrong feet.)  And it's been that way all my life, long before I'd ever heard of "transgender" (or "transsexual.")

As I adopt more and more "women" things -- clothing, attitudes, etc. -- I simply feel better.  The world looks brighter.  (Not that all my problems have gone away.)  And since I've started transition, people have remarked that I look happier.

In the long run, what matters isn't whether you fit some canonical definition of "trans."  What matters is whether seeing yourself as trans helps you make sense of and improve your life.

While I didn't have the word for it, I knew I was transgender very early (age 13) because what I felt wasn't normal. I had the word transsexual at the same time and I though that was what I was. When I was in therapy and facing the fact that someday I would have to face a decision on surgery, the doubt started creeping in my thoughts. The decision on surgery was made by weighing my life as a woman against my life as a man and it was clear that I could no longer be happy with the life of a man but the doubt remained up to the moment of surgery. Waking up from surgery was the first moment that I no longer had doubt.

I think it's an issue if you don't have doubt. You need to question everything and if the place you wish to be life requires cross living, try it  so you can weigh the different lives against each other. The person who has no doubt may not be looking at all the facts and risk making a mistake as the result.

Quote from: Jayne01 on January 05, 2016, 05:43:13 PM
What I mean by that is that nobody would want those illnesses, but if they have the misfortune to have them, then they need to find a way to deal with it. The same with trans. You don't want it, but if you are trans you have to find a way to deal with it. Does that sound like a reasonable comparison, or am I just wrong and way off the mark?

Well, I don't feel that way.  While in some ways it would be nice to fit in with the herd, it would also mean that I wouldn't be me.  If someone ever had a magic cure that would make me cis male (or maybe even cis female), it would feel like they were exterminating me and replacing me with some more socially acceptable construct that just happened to look like me, sort of like Stepford Wives.

I've suffered a lot for being the way I am, but I refuse to blame my suffering on my nature.  I blame it on the narrow-minded bigots that spent my formative years tormenting me for being different.  There's nothing wrong with being trans, nothing wrong with my being trans, and nothing wrong with my not being the way other people insist I have to be.  There's something wrong with a society that makes life hell for people simply because they don't fit some people's stupid prejudices.

Quote from: Jayne01 on January 05, 2016, 05:43:13 PM
to me being trans is similar to being diagnosed with cancer or having a brain tumour. What I mean by that is that nobody would want those illnesses, but if they have the misfortune to have them, then they need to find a way to deal with it. The same with trans. You don't want it, but if you are trans you have to find a way to deal with it. Does that sound like a reasonable comparison, or am I just wrong and way off the mark?

I would say that is a fair way to put it.  Gender dysphoria (i.e. "being trans") is a medical condition caused by pre-natal hormones with possibly genetic or epigenetic influences, and the way those physical influences interact with society's expectations.

The challenge is to find a personally suitable way to deal with it.  Just as there are a whole range of dysphoria experiences, there are a whole range of solutions, from doing nothing to a full transition and everything in between.

I had no torture associated with the discovery that I am transgender, just a period of learning. It's an overly broad generalization that all transgender people hate being transgender.

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Tessa James on January 05, 2016, 02:00:01 PM
Its not what we know, its what YOU know.  You know you are feeling increasing levels of dysphoria and the accepted conventional wisdom suggests transition of some kind is the best treatment.  You can find your unique place on the gender spectrum and you still have a supportive spouse to boot.  Your life is never in total ruin until the final gong and you have lots of time to work it out now that you know.  Sure its confusing but so are really fun puzzles we pay to play. :D

Well said and strongly resonant for me, thank you Kathy

Hi Tessa James,

The thing is I don't know! My mind is in this fog that I can't seem to escape out of, so I can't see anything clearly. Everything is confusing and I'm just not certain. To do something as huge as transitioning, I would thing you need to be 100% certain of what you want. I don't even know what I am, let alone what I want to do about it.

J

I know I'm trans because despite everything pushing back at me, I keep pushing through as a necessity. If it was just a want, then I would have given up by now. It causes too much pain to go through otherwise.

Quote from: Tessa James on January 05, 2016, 02:00:01 PM
Its not what we know, its what YOU know.  You know you are feeling increasing levels of dysphoria and the accepted conventional wisdom suggests transition of some kind is the best treatment.  You can find your unique place on the gender spectrum and you still have a supportive spouse to boot.  Your life is never in total ruin until the final gong and you have lots of time to work it out now that you know.  Sure its confusing but so are really fun puzzles we pay to play.

Love the way you put this Tessa James! This is helpful to me too.

Quote from: Dena on January 05, 2016, 06:18:21 PM
While I didn't have the word for it, I knew I was transgender very early (age 13) because what I felt wasn't normal. I had the word transsexual at the same time and I though that was what I was. When I was in therapy and facing the fact that someday I would have to face a decision on surgery, the doubt started creeping in my thoughts. The decision on surgery was made by weighing my life as a woman against my life as a man and it was clear that I could no longer be happy with the life of a man but the doubt remained up to the moment of surgery. Waking up from surgery was the first moment that I no longer had doubt.

I think it's an issue if you don't have doubt. You need to question everything and if the place you wish to be life requires cross living, try it  so you can weigh the different lives against each other. The person who has no doubt may not be looking at all the facts and risk making a mistake as the result.

Thanks for this Dena - for those of us who don't have the obvious life or death crisis about being trans, it's helpful to know that you too still had to question and think hard at each step.

Jayne, I also can relate to many of the things you say. While deciding to go to HRT may be scary, it's not dangerous although from what others have shared (I'm not there yet) it does at some point bring you to a fish or cut bait point. Your therapist can help you figure out if at least starting it can help you figure out the best transition spectrum destination for you.

Quote from: T.K.G.W. on January 05, 2016, 02:42:32 PM
The determining factors are different to each person's experience I guess, for some it's a strong wish or maybe a not so strong wish, for others like me it's so severe it limits my ability to live a normal life and has changed my life goals significantly from those of most people I know. They are off getting married, having children and building nests to grow old in and here I am just trying to pull the pieces of myself together to try to find what feels like a complete person.

Hi T.K.G.W.,

I hope you can work things out. I can certainly relate to not feeling like a complete person. I'm glad I don't have children to burden them with my messed up head. I am burdening my wife though, which weighs very heavily on my mind.

J

About being 100% certain.

Is that even possible?  I'm not sure I am 100% certain of that.  However, I am 100% certain that doing nothing except suppress it made me hate life, drove me to the brink of suicide once, and was moving me in that direction again. 

Now I'm happy, maybe not perfectly happy but compared to before its night and day.  I am 100% certain of that.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Quote from: Joanna50 on January 05, 2016, 03:22:22 PM
Jayne,

I am me tooing on it all sounding fairly familiar.

I am 51. Married for 25 years with 3 daughters. I never "knew I was a girl the whole time". I felt other and outside my whole life. I thought I was an occasional pervert for most of my life because I would buy (or borrow, when younger) panties and bras. I forgot that when I started doing this, it was before puberty and might have had some sexuality built in but not like later. I was in such denial and confusion that it wasn't till last January that I could approach the idea I was a cross dresser. The problem is that it didn't all fit(so to speak). I didn't want to go back to being a guy, I didn't ever feel like a guy, I just felt like an other or a puppet.

After therapy started, I came to the next conclusion, I am transgender. Not because I fit the mold. Because I could ask myself that(as has been previously stated), and because it felt right(note I did not say good). There are times now where I (I think most of us) rebound and question this thought. However, the symptoms(hate using that word) never go away and often come back stronger.

When I first looked at the idea of being transgender, I was pretty sure it wasn't me. There are a series of questions and mini essays I found that helped me answer for myself and my therapist. Not that it is absolute and measurable.

I think I have rambled enough. I guess I can't answer #1 for you but #2? You don't seem so different from my experience. I wish you love, and acceptance wherever your journey takes you.

With warmth,

Joanna

Hi Joanna,

I wish I could trust myself. I just don't know if what I'm feeling/thinking is real, or imagined. To me, simply asking whether I may be transgender is not enough proof that I am. I can't accept it simply based on a "feeling" I have. How can decide to become a girl based on a feeling and no evidence? My mind is having trouble processing that concept.

J

Absolute certainty is not possible, so it can't be a deciding factor in what you do. You can only operate with the information you have, and if you sit around waiting for absolute certainty, you will drive yourself around the bend. If this thought won't go away, if the thought that you're trans won't leave you alone, then you might owe yourself to walk a bit further down that road. You can take any exit you want, so it's not like you have to commit to one answer and stick with it for life. Just make sure you understand what lies ahead, and that you are prepared for it.

Quote from: Jenelle on January 05, 2016, 05:30:32 PM
1. A very long time ago I asked this question and I was told "You just know." At the time I did not understand but now I do. You just know if you are.

2. My story is pretty similar. I did not know from an early age that I am a woman but I always knew something was just not right. It took me FOREVER to figure out what that was even though the answer was just screaming at me. At that point in time, I just could not accept that I am trans.

Like you, I dont want this and for about a year after acknowledging I am trans, I would go through cycles where I was okay with it and desperately looking for any way not to be trans. I finally realized no matter how much I wanted to wish this away, it was not going away. Now I focus on where it is going to take me. Will I fully transition or will I find a spot somewhere along that path and just be happy there? Only time is going to answer that even though I am pretty sure the answer.

Hi Jenelle,

1. I don't "just know" that I am trans. Does that mean I'm not and there is something else going on? I don't understand what is going on, I don't know how to make sense of it all.

2. I can definitely relate to knowing that something is just not right.

I keep hearing that people work it out when the time is right for them. As I get older (based on family history, I'm probably already way past half way through my life) I keep wondering if I am really trans, then I have just wasted the best years of my life being something I'm not. What is the point of wasting what remains trying to change myself and go through all the hardship (medical and social) and risk losing family, friends, job, all for something I'm not even sure of. How do you "just know"?

J

Quote from: Asche on January 05, 2016, 06:06:06 PM
One of the problems I see here is: what exactly does it mean to be trans?

For me, being trans means that living as a man is incompatible with my nature.  I can do it, but it doesn't work very well, and it hurts a lot.  (A TG story I like has the trans character describing it as being like walking around with shoes on the wrong feet.)  And it's been that way all my life, long before I'd ever heard of "transgender" (or "transsexual.")

As I adopt more and more "women" things -- clothing, attitudes, etc. -- I simply feel better.  The world looks brighter.  (Not that all my problems have gone away.)  And since I've started transition, people have remarked that I look happier.

In the long run, what matters isn't whether you fit some canonical definition of "trans."  What matters is whether seeing yourself as trans helps you make sense of and improve your life.

Hi Asche,

My nature is that I walk, talk, act like a guy, but somewhere deep in my mind there is this feeling that I should have been born with a female body. If nothing in my life changed except for my body under my male clothes, that would be good. That to me seems like an incompatible mix. If I was born a girl, I would probably still wear guy clothes and probably act like a guy. Socially, I am a guy and am happy about that. Privately in my own world, it's my body that's the problem. Is that transgender, or something else?

J

I am a scientist at heart, and I approached "knowing" from that viewpoint.

Scientists know that no knowledge is ever 100% certain.  You can't prove a theory to a certainty.  You can only show that you have the best explanation anyone has come up with so far.

What convinced me that I was trans was how it elegantly explained several different episodes throughout my life.  When I was about 8, and often since then, I remember wishing I was a girl.  In my 30s, I cross-dressed in private.  Even though I gave that up when I got married, the urge has never gone away.  I have never felt that I fit in among men.  In high school, I was sexually assaulted by a student whose "gaydar" was on the blink - but he picked me for some reason.  None of those episodes on its own is conclusive.  But accepting that I was trans made them all suddenly make sense.

From a scientist's point of view, that makes it a good theory.  It explains several different phenomena better than individual explanations could.  I wasn't happy about it, but I was convinced.

Quote from: Dena on January 05, 2016, 06:18:21 PM
While I didn't have the word for it, I knew I was transgender very early (age 13) because what I felt wasn't normal. I had the word transsexual at the same time and I though that was what I was. When I was in therapy and facing the fact that someday I would have to face a decision on surgery, the doubt started creeping in my thoughts. The decision on surgery was made by weighing my life as a woman against my life as a man and it was clear that I could no longer be happy with the life of a man but the doubt remained up to the moment of surgery. Waking up from surgery was the first moment that I no longer had doubt.

I think it's an issue if you don't have doubt. You need to question everything and if the place you wish to be life requires cross living, try it  so you can weigh the different lives against each other. The person who has no doubt may not be looking at all the facts and risk making a mistake as the result.

Hi Dena,

As I mentioned to Asche, I'm happy being a guy as far as the social part goes. My body gives me issues, because my brain tells me that I have the wrong "bits". But even that is not a constant. Sometimes I'm just happy the way I am.

What would have happened if when you woke up from surgery the doubt was still there? Wouldn't it be too late then? How can you be so certain? I'm not questioning your decision, rather I'm trying to find out how do you know or how are you certain enough that you can make such a massive life changing decision?

J

Quote from: Asche on January 05, 2016, 06:41:58 PM
Well, I don't feel that way.  While in some ways it would be nice to fit in with the herd, it would also mean that I wouldn't be me.  If someone ever had a magic cure that would make me cis male (or maybe even cis female), it would feel like they were exterminating me and replacing me with some more socially acceptable construct that just happened to look like me, sort of like Stepford Wives.

I've suffered a lot for being the way I am, but I refuse to blame my suffering on my nature.  I blame it on the narrow-minded bigots that spent my formative years tormenting me for being different.  There's nothing wrong with being trans, nothing wrong with my being trans, and nothing wrong with my not being the way other people insist I have to be.  There's something wrong with a society that makes life hell for people simply because they don't fit some people's stupid prejudices.

I understand what you are saying. But wouldn't you still be suffering even if you lived on a deserted island by yourself? I mean, isn't the mind/body mismatch something internal and personal to the individual separate from what society may think?

I don't have any friends and not a lot of family. Even without any of them I would rather be dis (male or female). I don't look female and no amount of surgery or hormones would change that. I have an enormous head even for males, big hands and just generally big (male) bone structure. That cannot be changed. So I don't see this so called magic cure as exterminating any part of me. It would I fact be a welcome cure. To me anyway. My brain not matching my body is a curse. It's like trying to make a PC work on MAC operating system. There are ways to make it work, but it never works quite right.

J

I'm not questioning your decision, rather I'm trying to find out how do you know or how are you certain enough that you can make such a massive life changing decision?

I think that this is the central misconception that is underlying your agony. Transition isn't a "massive life changing" decision. It's a series of small decisions, ones you have to make every day, and that you can stop at any time. By the time you get to the "big decisions" like the surgeries, you've been making the decisions for years on end. You have the mountains of evidence of taking hormones, living full time, therapy sessions, and soul searching to bolster your "big" decisions.

Quote from: KathyLauren on January 05, 2016, 06:53:18 PM
I would say that is a fair way to put it.  Gender dysphoria (i.e. "being trans") is a medical condition caused by pre-natal hormones with possibly genetic or epigenetic influences, and the way those physical influences interact with society's expectations.

The challenge is to find a personally suitable way to deal with it.  Just as there are a whole range of dysphoria experiences, there are a whole range of solutions, from doing nothing to a full transition and everything in between.

I wish this medical condition could be proven. I've read about studies on brain structures being different and trans women have the brain of a cis woman and trans men have the brains of a cis man. Only problem is, from my limited understanding, is that these differences can only be identified after death when the brain is cut open in an examination. The part of the brain that determines gender can not be clearly seen on any MRI scans to identify one way or the other. That is what I have read and the medical terms where way beyond my understanding, so I may be totally wrong.

J

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on January 05, 2016, 06:54:34 PM
I had no torture associated with the discovery that I am transgender, just a period of learning. It's an overly broad generalization that all transgender people hate being transgender.

Hugs, Devlyn

Hi Devlyn,

That's a fair statement. However, it is torture for me and I do hate it.

J

Quote from: Tamika Olivia on January 05, 2016, 07:57:10 PM
I'm not questioning your decision, rather I'm trying to find out how do you know or how are you certain enough that you can make such a massive life changing decision?

I think that this is the central misconception that is underlying your agony. Transition isn't a "massive life changing" decision. It's a series of small decisions, ones you have to make every day, and that you can stop at any time. By the time you get to the "big decisions" like the surgeries, you've been making the decisions for years on end. You have the mountains of evidence of taking hormones, living full time, therapy sessions, and soul searching to bolster your "big" decisions.

Thanks for spelling it out that way for me. I think a light bulb just turned on in my head. It's a little dim, but it's "on". It's probably the same thing everyone has been trying to tell me. Sometimes it just takes the words to be said a certain way to be understood.

I suppose taking those first steps can be really scary and seem impossible to act on. I'm guessing once you make the first steps, subsequent steps become easier?

J

Thank you all for your replies. I kind of made a mess of this thread trying to reply to each of you. I'm currently at work and replying when I get a chance, so my replies may seem to be a bit out of order.

I hope I got to reply to each of you.

J

Hi Jayne,

I have read many of your posts both in this thread and others. I understand your pain and have a young family and wife too.

Reading your posts the message of Shame is ever constant. Is it possible your mind is clouded by this shame? I only ask because I too feel shame for what I am.

Moving forward it might help if you can find a way to reduce your self shame. Shame is a real blocker to allowing your mind to think objectively. Whether you are Trans or not - you are what you are. You think how you think. No one has the right to judge you for how you think or for who you are - not even you - look at this way - can you change it.

Speaking from experience - it is shame that often drives depression and those other unhealthy thoughts. I only started working my way through it by accepting that the label of 'transgender' was associated with my shame.

You said when you wore the dress and looked in the mirror you didn't like what you saw. The real question is while wearing the dress if you closed your eyes - how does that make you feel?

The decision of what to do next should only appear as something to consider when you work out the first step. I understand the analytical mind wants to think many steps ahead - but for me that is when it overwhelmed me. One step at a time - and this is not a diagnosis that will come from forcing it - you will need time.

Look at this as a mathematical equation - you have several unknowns already - adding time pressures and other variables will just make it harder to solve.

Personally I am at the step where if I put shame aside I can acknowledge I am Trans.  What to do next is not something I will rush.

All the best

Cass

Hi Cass,

Thank you for such a nice reply. I think you are right about the shame. There is no shortage of shame that I am feeling. I also to tend to think many steps ahead. I do that with everything. In my job fixing aircraft, that is a good thing because a minor mistake at step one might lead to a disaster at step 10. So my natural default is to always try and think multiple steps ahead to make sure that step one is in fact the correct step. Did that make sense? This way of thinking, however, does not appear to work in other areas outside of work.

J

Hi. I joined Susans some time ago but have just stayed away fearing the inevitable. That I also am trans. Well I take the term 'fearing' lightly for there is something inside me that desires it.

I just can't shake this. I've had it since age 8. To make matters more confusing to me growing up, I am 99.9% prefer the company of women. I was married for 8.5 years, and with another 6 years with the same woman. She initiated a divorce with me couple years ago because I was too unstable for too long. I didn't know I was trans at the time. I thought maybe I was gay. If I continued living as a man nothing could be farther from the truth. I dated a year after my divorce, many women. Christian women I should add as I am Christian as well. Oh how I love the Trinity. I've done the binges and purges for so long. At 42 years I've come to accept the inevitable, but barely.

Sometimes my faith gives me pause with my present condition. But sisters I can't help it!!! I've read many replies on the site here and so often these very personal stories present a common narrative. We don't want it, but can't help it.

The past couple years I will admit I very much don't want my testes. Oh how I want them gone. They are useless to me. I suffer from impatience like so many others...

I tried HRT couple years ago but due to a life crisis I had to stop. But while I was on it I was feeling so good. Lower libido, no morning wood, and a feeling of empathy for others I hadn't felt before. Plus I could actually cry! I swear for me anyway testosterone prevents me from crying. I HATE IT! It doesn't feel natural. Even as I type all this, the reflection of my my polished fingernails in the laptop's screen remind me of my inner girl. I've been taking herbal hormones suppliments all year and they've had their effects on my chest with good results. I see a doctor in a couple weeks to restart HRT. Can't wait :)

I'm far from being strong... but I"m not weak either. I can't escape this and with help from my therapist (who is also Christian) we're working on this together.

Quote from: Jayne01 on January 05, 2016, 07:09:13 PM
Hi Joanna,

I wish I could trust myself. I just don't know if what I'm feeling/thinking is real, or imagined. To me, simply asking whether I may be transgender is not enough proof that I am. I can't accept it simply based on a "feeling" I have. How can decide to become a girl based on a feeling and no evidence? My mind is having trouble processing that concept.

J

I wouldn't say it is only based a feeling. As I mentioned my therapist and many of the personal essay questions I found were helpful in guiding me to my self discovery. Now it's the occasional question of whether it's real(I have always questioned everything being real). But more commonly, when fighting against my trans nature, it has more to do with the great family and supportive wife not being enough to make me suffer through at this point. Once the genie is out, it's pretty tough to stuff it back and it doesn't all fit anymore(if it ever did). To continue flogging this metaphor, the bottle keeps showing up, rolling off shelves and the stopper keeps exploding. Maybe that is only for me.

I am sorry this is so hard for you. I think it is for us all at different points and ways. I hope it gets easier for you or you find ways to distract and cope.

With warmth,

Joanna

Sent from my XT1575 using Tapatalk

Quote from: carissajaye on January 05, 2016, 10:18:49 PM
Hi. I joined Susans some time ago but have just stayed away fearing the inevitable. That I also am trans. Well I take the term 'fearing' lightly for there is something inside me that desires it.

Hi carissajaye, (nice name by the way)

Reading what you wrote (^^^^ up there), made me realise that I might be in the same boat. I think there might also be something deep inside me that desires being trans. I think Deborah was the one who said that is the only explanation that would mean I'm not crazy or some kind of pervert. I'm starting to see that now.

Quote
I just can't shake this. I've had it since age 8. To make matters more confusing to me growing up, I am 99.9% prefer the company of women. I was married for 8.5 years, and with another 6 years with the same woman. She initiated a divorce with me couple years ago because I was too unstable for too long. I didn't know I was trans at the time. I thought maybe I was gay. If I continued living as a man nothing could be farther from the truth. I dated a year after my divorce, many women. Christian women I should add as I am Christian as well. Oh how I love the Trinity. I've done the binges and purges for so long. At 42 years I've come to accept the inevitable, but barely.

Sometimes my faith gives me pause with my present condition. But sisters I can't help it!!! I've read many replies on the site here and so often these very personal stories present a common narrative. We don't want it, but can't help it.

The past couple years I will admit I very much don't want my testes. Oh how I want them gone. They are useless to me. I suffer from impatience like so many others...

I tried HRT couple years ago but due to a life crisis I had to stop. But while I was on it I was feeling so good. Lower libido, no morning wood, and a feeling of empathy for others I hadn't felt before. Plus I could actually cry! I swear for me anyway testosterone prevents me from crying. I HATE IT! It doesn't feel natural. Even as I type all this, the reflection of my my polished fingernails in the laptop's screen remind me of my inner girl. I've been taking herbal hormones suppliments all year and they've had their effects on my chest with good results. I see a doctor in a couple weeks to restart HRT. Can't wait :)

I'm far from being strong... but I"m not weak either. I can't escape this and with help from my therapist (who is also Christian) we're working on this together.

I too prefer women. Specifically one woman, my wife. That does cause some confusion. Only because my wife is not a lesbian, but she does love me. So if I am trans, does that make me a lesbian and then what does that make my wife? Something she isn't? Very confusing! Maybe better to not try and solve everything at once.

J

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on January 05, 2016, 06:54:34 PM
I had no torture associated with the discovery that I am transgender, just a period of learning. It's an overly broad generalization that all transgender people hate being transgender.

Hugs, Devlyn

I like being trans it seems to be a part of my nature. I loved being a long haired radical Hippie Jesus freak too. I was confronted by my transgender nature at 4 years old and the relentless undertow of its nature which I believe erupted through the Hippie stage and on to infinity.

My dearest Jayne:

You've written much here and received a lot of great advice and comments.

In order to sort this out you are going to have to "DO" something.  It's not a thinking thing any more.  Once the doing begins to gel the other parts will fall into place.  Trying to think your way through this is just that, thinking - it's the action that matters. 

You are trans and you've indicated as much.  Sooo, start finding that new place on the spectrum that fits you.  (Hint: you'll have to begin living as such and you'll adjust as time goes on.)  I was like you until one night I couldn't stand the dissonance any longer and became rash.  I'm not suggesting you are that way; rather, thinking and thinking and thinking and not doing is fraught with lots of stuff - very little of any of it is good for you.

You started and stopped.  Start again and if you stop then quickly assess and start again.  You will quite likely arrive at the place you so want to be at if you do.  If you don't try, it's a certainty you'll never find that place or the peace you seek.

Take good care and enjoy the trip,

Rachel

Quote from: stephaniec on January 06, 2016, 12:29:36 AM
I like being trans it seems to be a part of my nature. I loved being a long haired radical Hippie Jesus freak too. I was confronted by my transgender nature at 4 years old and the relentless undertow of its nature which I believe erupted through the Hippie stage and on to infinity.

You are a nonconformist after my own heart Stephanie.
Love,
Denali

PS - from your new avatar it looks like your transition has taken an interesting turn!

Quote from: Joanna50 on January 05, 2016, 10:59:58 PM
I wouldn't say it is only based a feeling. As I mentioned my therapist and many of the personal essay questions I found were helpful in guiding me to my self discovery. Now it's the occasional question of whether it's real(I have always questioned everything being real). But more commonly, when fighting against my trans nature, it has more to do with the great family and supportive wife not being enough to make me suffer through at this point. Once the genie is out, it's pretty tough to stuff it back and it doesn't all fit anymore(if it ever did). To continue flogging this metaphor, the bottle keeps showing up, rolling off shelves and the stopper keeps exploding. Maybe that is only for me.

I am sorry this is so hard for you. I think it is for us all at different points and ways. I hope it gets easier for you or you find ways to distract and cope.

With warmth,

Joanna

Sent from my XT1575 using Tapatalk

The essay questions you mention, is that something available online? If so, would you happen to have a link?

It seems to me that I go through these cycles of acceptance and total non-acceptance. If I can find a way to get through the shame it seems a bit easier to be more accepting. But when I'm feeling all the shame the acceptance is impossible for me. It sounds so simple when I write it down like that. Not quite so simple in practice.

You're right about the genie. I don't think the genie would fit back into that tiny little bottle she came out of. (Genie is a girl right? I'm thinking the old tv show "I Dream of Jeanie")

J

Quote from: Qrachel on January 06, 2016, 01:55:01 AM
My dearest Jayne:

You've written much here and received a lot great advice and comments.

In order to sort this out you are going to have to "DO" something.  It's not a thinking thing any more.  Once the doing begins to gel the other parts will fall into place.  Trying to think your way through this is just that, thinking - it's the action that matters. 

You are trans and you've indicated as much.  Sooo, start finding that new place on the spectrum that fits you.  (Hint: you'll have to begin living as such and you'll adjust as time goes on.)  I was like you until one night I couldn't stand the dissonance any longer and became rash.  I'm not suggesting you are that way; rather, thinking and thinking and thinking and not doing is fraught with lots of stuff - very little of any of it is good for you.

You started and stopped.  Start again and if you stop then quickly assess and start again.  You will quite likely arrive at the place you so want to be at if you do.  If you don't, it's a certainty you'll never find that place or the peace you seek.

Take good care and enjoy the trip,

Rachel

Hi Rachel,

To start "doing" something is a scary prospect. I have a history of starting many things only to find I had made the wrong decision and as a result I have a great big list of things started and never finished. Some things I have started I have regretted starting because they cost me a great deal of time and money (almost sent me bankrupt). All those things pale in comparison to how big a decision this is for me. This is the rest of my life! I am scared to death of making yet another bad decision!

But you are right in saying that if I don't do anything, then nothing will change from the current state.

J

Quote from: Jayne01 on January 05, 2016, 07:26:54 PM
My nature is that I walk, talk, act like a guy, but somewhere deep in my mind there is this feeling that I should have been born with a female body. If nothing in my life changed except for my body under my male clothes, that would be good. That to me seems like an incompatible mix. If I was born a girl, I would probably still wear guy clothes and probably act like a guy. Socially, I am a guy and am happy about that. Privately in my own world, it's my body that's the problem. Is that transgender, or something else?

Everyone's experience of being trans is different.  "trans" isn't a single well-defined condition, like a broken leg or something.  It's one word for a whole grab bag of conditions which have in common only that they don't fit what society expects of people with their assigned gender.  Some people experience mainly social dysphoria and don't have any body dysphoria.  You, on the other hand, apparently experience only body dysphoria.  And some people don't experience dysphoria at all, they just know they should have been the other sex.

This is why other people's experiences won't necessarily tell you what's going on with you.  There are no trail guides in this business, because each person's trail is different -- one person's is in a jungle, another in the Andes, a third person's is in the Everglades, and even if two people's trails are in the same park (or wherever), they have different trailheads and different destinations.

But, you know, that's really how life is for everyone.  You have to find the way that's right for you (which means you have to find out who you are, as opposed to the "you" that some self-help book or guru tries to persuade you you are), or you'll realize on your deathbed that you've wasted your life being a bad imitation of somebody else (real or imaginary.)

In response to your latest comment (posted while I was composing this one), sometimes the "wrong" decisions turn out to have been necessary steps towards the "right" path, a path you would never have found without all the "mistakes."  It doesn't make them less painful (if they were painful), but it does help you not see them as a waste of time and resources.

I'm an amateur musician, and one saying that has stuck with me is that every note is only one tone from a "right" one.  It's also true that much of any piece of music is a process of going from a "wrong" note to a "right" one, sometimes even (intentionally) wandering around "wrong" notes for quite a while before going to that "right" one.  (A piece that consists only of "right" notes is really boring!)  So there are actually no wrong notes, just steps on a musical journey.

Quote from: Jayne01 on January 06, 2016, 03:28:07 AM
To start "doing" something is a scary prospect.

Fair enough ...

Quote from: Jayne01 on January 06, 2016, 03:28:07 AMI have a history of starting many things only to find I had made the wrong decision and as a result I have a great big list of things started and never finished.

Well then, if transition is the wrong decision, stop it and add it to your collection. It is not a big deal. Transition is slow. Nothing seems to happen for months at a time - look at how many people on here post things along the lines of "Arghhh - this is taking FOREVER!!!!". If you take HRT you will not wake up with boobs next week or a falsetto voice by the end of the month. It takes YEARS, typically 3 to 5 years.

Generally speaking, because everyone is different, HRT effects the mind first and seems to bring relief. In a few individuals it seems to increase distress and generally they stop it without much in the way of effects and most effects reverse quite quickly when you stop HRT. Breast buds start after a couple of months but do not get visible for another few months and if HRT stops they shrink.

What I am saying is that you could try it and if it is wrong then you can stop without much in the way of effects.

Quote from: Jayne01 on January 06, 2016, 03:28:07 AMSome things I have started I have regretted starting because they cost me a great deal of time and money (almost sent me bankrupt). All those things pale in comparison to how big a decision this is for me. This is the rest of my life! I am scared to death of making yet another bad decision!

Continuing to torture yourself is surely another bad decision as well?

You could do other things to see how you feel. You could grow your hair and nails (costs nothing, 10 minutes to "reverse" if you change your mind). You could get your beard lasered which is more pricey and cannot be reversed but the worst that would happen is that you would look younger and a bit baby-faced. You could gradually buy androgynous clothing and start wearing it publicly - I wore ladies' plain blouses pre-HRT for over a year and no one noticed.

All these things helped me feel better about myself and my transition at no or little cost (other than the laser) and almost all of them where reversible, but I soon found that it all felt right for me and so I continued to socially transition, then HRT, then GRS.

Quote from: Jayne01 on January 05, 2016, 07:54:35 PM
I understand what you are saying. But wouldn't you still be suffering even if you lived on a deserted island by yourself? I mean, isn't the mind/body mismatch something internal and personal to the individual separate from what society may think?

No, I wouldn't.  Now that I'm no longer beating myself up for not being who I'm supposedly supposed to be and in an environment which doesn't beat me up for it, I'm fine.  Seeing myself as trans gave me a way to frame in a positive way much of the stuff about myself that people claimed were defects -- I'm really not a pervert or degenerate or weirdo, I'm just trans.  Raising kids helped, too, because my kids had many of the same issues I had, so I could see that the (trans- and non-trans-related) problems I had weren't due to my moral turpitude but due to the adults around me having inappropriate expectations.

At this point, pretty much all of my remaining suffering is due to the damage done to me in the past.

I'd like to have a different body.  I'm in the process of medical transition because I'd like it.  But it doesn't torment me.  I mean, I'd like to be a prima ballerina or an influential musician like Pete Seeger, too, but it's not like I'm miserable because I'm not and never will be.

BUT:  That's me, not you.  My answers, our answers are not going to be right for you.  You're going to have to find your own answers.  (Bummer, isn't it?)

YMMV.

FWIW, my dysphoria is primarily body centric too.  While there is some social dysphoria it is not nearly as bad.  This is probably due to the fact that I am not a social person to begin with, again like you.  This is not due to social ineptitude or shyness but rather just part of the package that makes up my personality.  I'm an introvert by nature and do not like social settings.


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You don't have to have the same story as someone else.

Quote from: Jayne01 on January 05, 2016, 07:45:48 PM
Hi Dena,

As I mentioned to Asche, I'm happy being a guy as far as the social part goes. My body gives me issues, because my brain tells me that I have the wrong "bits". But even that is not a constant. Sometimes I'm just happy the way I am.

What would have happened if when you woke up from surgery the doubt was still there? Wouldn't it be too late then? How can you be so certain? I'm not questioning your decision, rather I'm trying to find out how do you know or how are you certain enough that you can make such a massive life changing decision?

J

The blockers weren't around when I transitioned and the estrogen wasn't sufficient to shut down T production so I had far less knowledge of what it would be like after surgery than you do. Top it off with a strong fear of surgery and it took almost every bit of effort to get me on the table.

What made it happen was comparing the two years of RLE against the past life in boy mode. I was more comfortable in RLE than I had been for years in boy mode and I knew I couldn't return to boy mode and feel as comfortable with myself as I did in RLE. Had for some reason surgery not been available to me, I knew I would continue in RLE instead of reverting to boy mode.

Also note that I took RLE seriously to the point of always sitting when using the toilet and no masturbation. I made the assumption that should I lose sexual sensitivity, I wanted to be sure I could live with the T driven drive without a way to release it. That was a false assumption because once the T factories were removed, the need to masturbate was reduced to near nothing. It prepared me for the worst case and I still decided surgery was my best option. 

The stories of post surgical regret were more numerous when I transitioned than they are now. It's possible the reason is because the non binary option wasn't understood and the non binary had surgery when they would have been better off without it. Today, the non binary options are clear and if you correctly determine where in the sexual spectrum you fit, you should be able to determine where you can live without regret.

If you need help understanding your options other than surgery, let me know and I will be happy to help you explore those options. Surgery isn't for everybody but for those who need it, it means a whole new life.

Like you I dithered around with whether or not I was trans for a number of years and I could not really decide. Some days I felt masculine and some days I felt feminine and some days I felt neither. Mostly I didn't care about anything and I was just getting through each day as best I could with the help of a 12 pack every night.

The pain of being me was getting to be too much and I had to do something to alleviate it - So I went on HRT and after a month with no changes I woke up one morning and mentally it was like that scene in the Wizard of Oz where Dorothy's house is spinning in the air in black and white, and when it lands and she opens the door - the world was full of color! Other mental changes included being truly happy for the first time in my life, happy to engage in whatever came my way. I actually looked forward to going to work each day!

My therapist told me that a transgender MTF brain has estrogen receptors in it. No estrogen = unhappy person. Estrogen = happy person.

One little secret that is not talked about much concerns a treatment for prostate cancer - it's estrogen. Cisgender men take it and they get really grumpy since their testosterone levels dive and their hardware quits working. Since I experienced the complete opposite effect from estrogen- happiness - there is no doubt in my mind that i'm transgender.

Quote from: Jayne01 on January 06, 2016, 03:17:33 AM
The essay questions you mention, is that something available online? If so, would you happen to have a link?

It seems to me that I go through these cycles of acceptance and total non-acceptance. If I can find a way to get through the shame it seems a bit easier to be more accepting. But when I'm feeling all the shame the acceptance is impossible for me. It sounds so simple when I write it down like that. Not quite so simple in practice.

You're right about the genie. I don't think the genie would fit back into that tiny little bottle she came out of. (Genie is a girl right? I'm thinking the old tv show "I Dream of Jeanie")

J

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I found these 4 series of essay questions on line. I will try to post the links. They are overwhelming to accomplish in one sitting. Not all of the questions are helpful. There is no pure score or result that lights up with lights, bells and blares "Take a Walk on the Wild Side". Sorry, a little levity is good and I could use some right about now myself. I am sure that not everyone would agree with some of the sites I borrowed them from but not everyone agrees on the same breakfast cereals or whether to eat breakfast cereal... I also collated them into a word document but have found no real way to post a document here unless it is it's own separate thread. If anyone is interested, I will do that and post them individually within the same thread.

https://www.->-bleeped-<-.com/r/asktransgender/related/299r7r/am_i_transgender_really_confused/

http://heartcorps.com/journeys/beginners/how-to-tell.htm

http://www.transsexual.org/provocateur.html

http://www.genderpsychology.org/transsexual/question.html

Hope you find them useful. I answered each individually and shared them with my therapist when we were first getting started. I also started a journal. However, it was more to dislodge memories. I have very spotty memories of my youth(before 12 or so). The more I answered I would get a a recollection I thought was gone. Now I am truly rambling.

Good luck.

With warmth

Joanna

PS Oddly, with Alladin and I Dream of Jenie I either never thought of a specific gender for a genie or assumed they could be either. But she's your genie, so, whatever flavour you want her to be.

Thanks for the links Joanna. I'll check them out soon as I get a chance.

J

it strikes me how we are approaching our gender identity from different directions yet we are still approaching the same central core - femininity.  you're coming from the north and i'm coming from the south.  where you are married and straight, i am single and gay, or for over 20 years my identity was of an openly gay man.  but now that i identify as transgender i can wonder is it easier for me. certainly for over 20 years i have never been held to the same high standard of masculinity that society demands of straight men.  so i've had a little more leeway and time i think get used to the idea of an alternate gender identity.  but the deeply installed fear of ever being outed or identified as an openly feminine cross dresser was always with me.   it has lessened tremendously since i came out as transgender tho.   it's the fear that keeps us stuck.  and in my case it was almost wholly imagined.  i guess what i'm trying to wander around to is that i went thru the exact same kind of bargaining.  bargaining is one of the steps.  i read about it right here on susans.  and bargaining is what i do every day too.  you'll never get 100% scientific proof.  and you can wander around in circles until you end up getting dizzy. or alternately, you can just go for it and see what happens.

I knew about the desire to transition at a very young age, but I never really considered it a need until about a year ago. I'm also 40 now, so roughly the same age. I spent a lot of years wondering if I actually made it up as a child and just never let it go. I spent several more years wondering if I was actually gay. When I finally decided to seriously look into it, I was all over the place. It was pretty much every other day that I went from yes I need to do this to no I'm just a feminine guy. I also didn't seem to fit with people on the forums because I didn't know I was a woman. I just felt like I needed to be one. I think we're a lot alike from that perspective.

I went to several therapists and told them I just didn't want to be so confused anymore, whether the answer was that I was trans or not. While I was there, I realized that if they nudged in the "you're not trans" direction, I felt a natural inclination to resist it. That's when I decided I really was trans, but I still hadn't decided on the transition yet. At that point, I was still prepared to spend the rest of my life as a guy and just keep the trans side hidden. That was around 5 years ago.

So what happened that made me make the decision finally? I fell in love with someone my family hated. They all ganged up on me and the relationship ended. Then they disappeared from my life for several months. It was then that I realized I had been living my life for them instead of me and it was suddenly clear that they meant more to me than I did to them. That was when I made the decision. That was about 8 months ago and I'm full-time now. I've since resumed that relationship and married her. She's fully supportive. My family was fully unsupportive. Funny how that worked out. The ones that cried that they were trying to protect me are the ones that left when I needed them most and the one that they disliked so much, is the one that's stayed by my side for it.

It's not a roadmap, but hope it helps.

Quote from: Jane Emily on January 06, 2016, 06:38:52 PM
it strikes me how we are approaching our gender identity from different directions yet we are still approaching the same central core - femininity.  you're coming from the north and i'm coming from the south.  where you are married and straight, i am single and gay, or for over 20 years my identity was of an openly gay man.  but now that i identify as transgender i can wonder is it easier for me. certainly for over 20 years i have never been held to the same high standard of masculinity that society demands of straight men.  so i've had a little more leeway and time i think get used to the idea of an alternate gender identity.  but the deeply installed fear of ever being outed or identified as an openly feminine cross dresser was always with me.   it has lessened tremendously since i came out as transgender tho.   it's the fear that keeps us stuck.  and in my case it was almost wholly imagined.  i guess what i'm trying to wander around to is that i went thru the exact same kind of bargaining.  bargaining is one of the steps.  i read about it right here on susans.  and bargaining is what i do every day too.  you'll never get 100% scientific proof.  and you can wander around in circles until you end up getting dizzy. or alternately, you can just go for it and see what happens.

Hi Jane Emily,

If you were a gay guy and I a straight guy and we now both identify as trans, does that now make you a straight woman and me a gay woman? Not liking for an answer, just an observation. :)

But more seriously, I do agree that fear keeps us stuck and afraid to move forward. I suppose we first need to recognise the fear is there in the first place and then find a way to get past it. I should probably practice what I preach. I often say to just go for it and see, you never know until you try, etc. it's all good advice until I need to listen to it myself. Then I suddenly become a little hard of hearing!

It seems to me that with the help of everyone here at Susan's, my therapist and my wife I am slowly learning something that I have know all along. I am transgender!

Jayne

Quote from: Emileeeee on January 06, 2016, 07:25:46 PM
I knew about the desire to transition at a very young age, but I never really considered it a need until about a year ago. I'm also 40 now, so roughly the same age. I spent a lot of years wondering if I actually made it up as a child and just never let it go. I spent several more years wondering if I was actually gay. When I finally decided to seriously look into it, I was all over the place. It was pretty much every other day that I went from yes I need to do this to no I'm just a feminine guy. I also didn't seem to fit with people on the forums because I didn't know I was a woman. I just felt like I needed to be one. I think we're a lot alike from that perspective.

I went to several therapists and told them I just didn't want to be so confused anymore, whether the answer was that I was trans or not. While I was there, I realized that if they nudged in the "you're not trans" direction, I felt a natural inclination to resist it. That's when I decided I really was trans, but I still hadn't decided on the transition yet. At that point, I was still prepared to spend the rest of my life as a guy and just keep the trans side hidden. That was around 5 years ago.

So what happened that made me make the decision finally? I fell in love with someone my family hated. They all ganged up on me and the relationship ended. Then they disappeared from my life for several months. It was then that I realized I had been living my life for them instead of me and it was suddenly clear that they meant more to me than I did to them. That was when I made the decision. That was about 8 months ago and I'm full-time now. I've since resumed that relationship and married her. She's fully supportive. My family was fully unsupportive. Funny how that worked out. The ones that cried that they were trying to protect me are the ones that left when I needed them most and the one that they disliked so much, is the one that's stayed by my side for it.

It's not a roadmap, but hope it helps.

Hi Emileeeee,

We do sound similar. I never thought I was gay. I asked myself the question a couple of times but dismissed it because it just didn't fit. But everything else you say sounds just like me.

I also just realised, like you, if the therapist was leading me on a direction that identified me as not trans, something deep inside me didn't like it. Could it be that I actually "want" to be trans after fighting so hard against it????

I know I'm not 100% masculine and I know I'm my 100% feminine. I am somewhere in between. By definition, that is transgender, right? (I hope I'm right because that means I am finally getting it)

Jayne

I'm somewhere in between and that was really confusing for me too. I could only describe it as needing to be right smack in the middle, but on the female side of the fence. What I needed was to see a woman in the mirror. I didn't have a need to be recognized as such. I just wanted to feel normal.

Quote from: Emileeeee on January 06, 2016, 09:48:51 PM
I'm somewhere in between and that was really confusing for me too. I could only describe it as needing to be right smack in the middle, but on the female side of the fence. What I needed was to see a woman in the mirror. I didn't have a need to be recognized as such. I just wanted to feel normal.

You just described me better than I could.

Well, having the affinity to relate to women in my youth on a personal  level, experimentation with crossdressing a through out my childhood, admiring the female form in a non-sexual way, constantly using escapism to fuel my subconscious desire to be female (frequently day dreaming about being female) and feeling alienated by what I saw in the mirror were pretty good indicators that I' Trans. It took me 18 years to figure this out because of prejudices/Ignorance against the LGBT community (which was due to being misinformed) and being muddled up with all the different sexualities and Gender Identities about being which one I was. I only released I was TG by randomly stumbling on a comic artist talking about using art as a way of expressing is GD (Gender Dysphoria) Before I had the whole epiphany about being Transgender, the more I looked into it, the more I could relate.

To me, It makes sense to be Transgender, Because I am. I've come to terms with the fact that I have a Brain that think's it's female.

but Transgender isn't my identity, the just one of the many quirks that make up who I am.

This was one of the posts that got me to register an account here.

I had a switch flip and I am heading to see a gender identity therapist as soon as possible. Need to sort out my brain to see where this is going. I feel like I am a woman inside, I look in the mirror and see a person that I am not. I have felt like that a while, but wasnt sure what it was.

More and more keeps coming to the surface the more I explore. I remember more about the past and what I kept buried.

I know I'm not 100% masculine and I know I'm my 100% feminine. I am somewhere in between. By definition, that is transgender, right? (I hope I'm right because that means I am finally getting it)

Jayne

Hi Jayne:

I am just dropping by to say hi and give you a ((hug)).  The above statement shows a lot of insight.  It's in the question where wisdom lies.  The pursuit of wisdom is the act of self-awareness lived . . . enjoy my dear, enjoy.

Rachel

Hello everyone,

You have all been so generous and kind with your replies. Thank you for that.

I just wanted to let you know that I have had somewhat of series of lights turning on in my head. Now everything is starting look bright and clear.

I am transgender. That much I now know. As I have previously said, I know I am not 100% at either end of the spectrum, but rather somewhere in the middle.

What is more, I have let go of the shame and guilt and I feel so much better. I am quite happy being male John and just know and accept that there is a little bit of Jayne inside me. Jayne is not evil and want to take over and ruin my life. Jayne is just a little girl playing and having fun and occasionally likes to push my buttons (and giggle about it).

John is who I am and that is probably why I had so much fear and anxiety about accepting my feminine side. I was afraid John would disappear. The dysphoria has not gone away, and I suspect never will. It is a function of my brain being the way it is. But John is who I want to be, and who I am. Even though the dysphoria still exists, just accepting myself as trans and being ok with it, has made the dysphoria bearable. I could never picture myself living as a woman. Even though my brain expects my body to be different from what it is, I still prefer being a man. They may not make any sense to many of you, but it is making sense to me.

My dysphoria has never been a constant. It has always come and gone, adding to my confusion. Now if it comes, it is just little Jayne pushing the dysphoria button and having a giggle. I just accept it as being there. Kind of when my baby niece grabs the hairs on my arm and pulls them and laughs when I curl up my face in pain. It hurts, but I don't get mad at her.

Anyway, I think I am finally finding some peace inside my head. And one of the biggest contributing factors is letting go of the shame and guilt. You have all told me that, but I needed to find on for myself.

J

Quote from: Eva Marie on January 06, 2016, 09:45:34 AM
Like you I dithered around with whether or not I was trans for a number of years and I could not really decide. Some days I felt masculine and some days I felt feminine and some days I felt neither. Mostly I didn't care about anything and I was just getting through each day as best I could with the help of a 12 pack every night.

This exactly how I feel right now and have been for a couple years. Just the difference for me is scotch, dark speedmetal, and videogames where I blow s**t up. Oh God Almighty how I've prayed for it all to go away. Dealing with GD and my Christian faith... When I am in a bad mood, I feel masculine. In a good mood I feel feminine. Obviously I prefer the latter. I just really can't shake it. Been on http://myevanesce.com/ herbals for about 9 months now and absolutely love how soft my skin is, and how my girls are growing. If I had to stop my 'transition' I'd be devastated.

Quote from: Eva Marie on January 06, 2016, 09:45:34 AM
The pain of being me was getting to be too much and I had to do something to alleviate it - So I went on HRT and after a month with no changes I woke up one morning and mentally it was like that scene in the Wizard of Oz where Dorothy's house is spinning in the air in black and white, and when it lands and she opens the door - the world was full of color! Other mental changes included being truly happy for the first time in my life, happy to engage in whatever came my way. I actually looked forward to going to work each day!

My therapist told me that a transgender MTF brain has estrogen receptors in it. No estrogen = unhappy person. Estrogen = happy person.

I was on prescription HRT 2 years ago and I loved how it felt. I hope I respond the same way if my new Dr. supports my going back on it. But what you said about a MTF brain has E receptors... not to question you but gosh is that really true? What a revealing idea! Maybe your therapist could provide you a source, sounds like something we would love to read further  :D

Quote from: Jayne01 on January 07, 2016, 08:59:59 PM
Hello everyone,

You have all been so generous and kind with your replies. Thank you for that.

I just wanted to let you know that I have had somewhat of series of lights turning on in my head. Now everything is starting look bright and clear.

I am transgender. That much I now know. As I have previously said, I know I am not 100% at either end of the spectrum, but rather somewhere in the middle.

What is more, I have let go of the shame and guilt and I feel so much better. I am quite happy being male John and just know and accept that there is a little bit of Jayne inside me. Jayne is not evil and want to take over and ruin my life. Jayne is just a little girl playing and having fun and occasionally likes to push my buttons (and giggle about it).

John is who I am and that is probably why I had so much fear and anxiety about accepting my feminine side. I was afraid John would disappear. The dysphoria has not gone away, and I suspect never will. It is a function of my brain being the way it is. But John is who I want to be, and who I am. Even though the dysphoria still exists, just accepting myself as trans and being ok with it, has made the dysphoria bearable. I could never picture myself living as a woman. Even though my brain expects my body to be different from what it is, I still prefer being a man. They may not make any sense to many of you, but it is making sense to me.

My dysphoria has never been a constant. It has always come and gone, adding to my confusion. Now if it comes, it is just little Jayne pushing the dysphoria button and having a giggle. I just accept it as being there. Kind of when my baby niece grabs the hairs on my arm and pulls them and laughs when I curl up my face in pain. It hurts, but I don't get mad at her.

Anyway, I think I am finally finding some peace inside my head. And one of the biggest contributing factors is letting go of the shame and guilt. You have all told me that, but I needed to find on for myself.

J

We have no real data but I would guess most people who have gender non conforming thoughts and feelings say nothing about it and never consider transition, much less HRT and surgery.  Accepting yourself just as you are is plenty of progress John.  Those who do not transition medically still have opportunities and sometimes the need to simply cope with where they are.  Some guys wear a pair of panties or any number of fun ways to feel alright without going all the way.

Quote from: Tessa James on January 07, 2016, 11:30:32 PM
We have no real data but I would guess most people who have gender non conforming thoughts and feelings say nothing about it and never consider transition, much less HRT and surgery.  Accepting yourself just as you are is plenty of progress John.  Those who do not transition medically still have opportunities and sometimes the need to simply cope with where they are.  Some guys wear a pair of panties or any number of fun ways to feel alright without going all the way.

Hi Tessa,

Thanks for that. Believe it or not I don't even have the desire to wear anything feminine. Right Jayne is happily living in my mind only.

However, if somewhere down the track I do feel the need to dress or whatever, then that would be OK because I won't feel ashamed of myself when I do it. I feel like a whole new person.

John

Yaaaay,  I think you know what I have been poorly trying to say now.  Once you've started liking and not hating yourself you can think rationally about what needs to be done, if anything needs to be done at all.

Both sides are integral parts of yourself so continually fighting and hating one part or the other just destroys you over time much like a long civil war destroys a country.  Things never turn out well.  But now you can find your way to live in harmony and balance?


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John and Jayne,

This is great news - that you are becoming more at peace with yourself and free to express your true self.

I am growing to enjoy my voyage of discovery too!

Love,
Denali

It all sounds so simple in hindsight. In what universe does it make sense to fight with yourself to reach peace. It's ridiculous! I just had to go and do it the hard way and find out for myself. At least now I finally have my head at some kind of peace.

I don't think I need to do anything as far as transition goes. The dysphoria is there but it is now manageable. Time will tell.

I can't thank you all enough for being patient with my foolishness until I finally snapped out of my endless downward spiral.

John

John/Jayne

It really sounds like you have turned a corner.  Congratulations!  I totally get what you say about just knowing taking a load off your mind.  I feel the same way.

Hugs and best wishes wherever your road takes you.

Quote from: carissajaye on January 07, 2016, 10:33:56 PM
I was on prescription HRT 2 years ago and I loved how it felt. I hope I respond the same way if my new Dr. supports my going back on it. But what you said about a MTF brain has E receptors... not to question you but gosh is that really true? What a revealing idea! Maybe your therapist could provide you a source, sounds like something we would love to read further  :D

My therapist is a PHD and she has dissected human brains. She is one very smart lady. She told me that a MTF brain has estrogen receptors and thats why HRT works for us - it's like we get the proper fuel for our brain.

There is a lot of information out there about estrogen receptors in the brain. The estrogen receptor (ER)-β was discovered in 1996.

Google "brain estrogen receptors" or "(ER)-β".

Quote from: AscheWell, I don't feel that way.  While in some ways it would be nice to fit in with the herd, it would also mean that I wouldn't be me.  If someone ever had a magic cure that would make me cis male (or maybe even cis female), it would feel like they were exterminating me and replacing me with some more socially acceptable construct that just happened to look like me, sort of like Stepford Wives.

Loved this one :D Reminds me of qualia, mind-body theories, philosophical zombies and all that stuff. I guess this poist in gonna give us lots of food for thought.

Addressing the main question OP asked. I think that most of the times our main issue does not lay on getting the right answers but in making que right questions.

"How do you know for sure that you are trans?" Sounds like a tricky question to me.

How do you know for sure you're (all of ya homies) just not mad living on a delusion induced by your own perception? How do you know you're not in some kind of Truman Show being watched or stuck in some kind of reality simulation being screened by some sort of crazy god? How do you know logic and science are not well manufactured deceptions delivered by some kind of "higher" entity? Would you ever know?

Yeh, yeh, I know I'm getting way too philosophical here but I guess all of you can see my point: asking oneself that kind of question is simply asking the wrong kind of question.

Lemme suggest a second-hand crappy manufactured thought experiment:

- Let's suppose science has extensively studied transgender phenomena and concluded that within all cases studied and followed (thousands of them) some biological patterns had been discovered that are common to all. Brain scans, complex genetical studies, neurological responses to several hormones, etc etc. All of them had been put together so an ultra-reliable, cheap and easy-to-use test has been designed and given to medical practitioners all over the world.

- So, you have been feeling low lately thinking your body and mind don't match. Thinking you should had born female. Thinking you don't recognise your body, you don't like your body. So, you headed straight down to your physician and asked him/her to give you the transgender-test.

- Unfortunately, the transgender-test gave you a negative result. You're not transgender is what the test says. Whoa, kind of relief. But you're feeling dysphoric somehow. Maybe you're nuts? Schizophrenia? Some kind of delusion? Multiple personalities? Time to go to the therapist/psychiatricist.

- The therapist asks you lots of questions. You go through countless hours of therapy. But in the end, he sees no trace of delusions, madness or any other kind of mental disorder. Therapy is not wiping out your conflicted feelings. How the hell? The test told you''re not transgender but you're still suffering gender dysphoria.

- Now, you're desperate thinking on a solution. Nothing has worked. You're still feeling dysphoric, but according to science criteria you're not going completely crazy and you are not transgender. However that doesn't really help, you're still dysphoric and feeling very low. What would you do?

Also lemme ask yall even when the transgender-test has told you several times that you're not transgender... How do you know for sure that you're not trans? Maybe the studies are missing something, maybe the test is a lie, maybe you're the rule exception, maybe, maybe...

Quote from: carissajaye on January 07, 2016, 10:33:56 PM
This exactly how I feel right now and have been for a couple years. Just the difference for me is scotch, dark speedmetal, and videogames where I blow s**t up. Oh God Almighty how I've prayed for it all to go away. Dealing with GD and my Christian faith...

i came out as transgender on thanksgiving.  but i came out as gay over 20 years ago.  never thought I would have to come out again.  but people in the lgbt community don't have as big an issue transitioning from g to t.  i do go to church on sunday sometimes.  just for the sense of community.  i don't have a big capital c christian identity and if anything think of myself more as a buddhist.  but, long story short, at my church it's okay to be gay. and it's okay to be trans.  we have transgender men and women who attend church too.  it's okay in my church for me to sit in the pew wearing a dress. and i present pretty masculine.  nobody bats an eye.  all i get is christian love and acceptance.

Where does anyone's identity reside?  Is it simply a biochemical process in the brain or does it originate in the mind?  And what is the mind?  Is it simply neurons firing in the brain or is it something else?  And if is something else how is related to the brain?

These questions will drive you crazy because they have no answer, at least not yet.  Philosophers have been debating it for millennia without a concrete answer.

So it all comes down to I think, therefore I know who I am.  So, if you can eliminate the possibility of total insanity there is the answer.

But can you be totally certain you are in fact not totally insane?   Oh no, here we go again!

In the end who knows a person's mind better than that person herself?  The answer is nobody. 

I thought of the magic cure pill once too.  Imagine a blue pill and a pink pill.  If you take the blue pill all dysphoria will be gone and all that will remain is a male body with a purely male mind.  If you take the pink pill of course the opposite will happen.  Which pill do you choose?  I chose pink because in my mind the blue pill destroys me and replaces me with someone else.  Blue is a suicide pill.  As hard as I tried I could not envision me, my ego, surviving the blue pill.  With the pink pill I remain but without the body mismatch.  That though experiment was a pretty strong indicator to me of what my answer was.


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I discovered it when I was 13 years old. I wasn't born in the wrong body, because that's impossible. According to what I've understands, transgender are born in the right body, but their brain and body developing difference (and wrong) ways. There are indirect medical proves about transsexuals. A brain scan show ftm has masculine brain structure and mtf have feminine brain structure. Even they who doesn't follow the stereotype gender roles have a similar gender structure as what they are supposed to be, because it's their nature.

I discovered what I was supposed to be, because gender dysphoria. I felt discomfort to my body and couldn't imagine grow up to be a female. That hasn't anything with gender roles to do. This is all about the body and what's my nature. I wear masculine clothes, but my manner is more feminine. Not that feminine, but more than many other guys. I'm sensitive and difference. I had lack of voice change and masculine features. The breast and everything of the sex features were wrong. I just knew it and I knew it after the puberty start. Before that I had a 'normal' childhood without knowing.

Yeah Deborah, that was the kind of post I was expecting :D

Quote from: Deborah on January 08, 2016, 02:15:07 PM
So it all comes down to I think, therefore I know who I am.  So, if you can eliminate the possibility of total insanity there is the answer.

But can you be totally certain you are in fact not totally insane?   Oh no, here we go again!

I got what I think is a very nice question about that. If you cannot eliminate the possibility of total insanity... well, does that really matter? Is it relevant? That's not going to change the fact you know who you are since total insanity is actually part of you. Do we really need to rule out that possibility? Maybe total insanity could be somewhat important to an imaginary  and ideal outside observer who is for sure completely out of total insanity. But for yourself or for any other observer subject to the same logic limits?

Quote from: Deborah
Blue is a suicide pill.  As hard as I tried I could not envision me, my ego, surviving the blue pill.  With the pink pill I remain but without the body mismatch.  That though experiment was a pretty strong indicator to me of what my answer was.

So much insight here. In fact blue pill would be a perfect philosophical/logical/mind suicide. 10 out of 10. I couldn't put it better.

Quote from: Deborah
In the end who knows a person's mind better than that person herself?  The answer is nobody.

Here is the next big one. Very heavy food for thought.

Ouch!!! My head hurts with all this philosophical talk. :)

As far as blue or pink pills go. I would take either. They both have exactly the same result of making the dysphoria go away. I would still be me, either boy or girl, and would be happy, because either pill makes all the negative feelings related to gender go away.

Anyway, like it has been said before, we could talk about "what ifs" until the end of time. It won't change what actually is. And that is all that matters.

It has been almost one week since I finally accepted that holding on to the shame and guilt was getting me nowhere and decided to start accepting myself as I am. I now know I'm transgender, that is how I was born and it was nobody's fault. The dysphoria has been coming and going each day, some days more than others, but I haven't let it get me down. I haven't been feeling depressed or distressed in anyway except for a kind of weird (hard to explain) physical discomfort when the dysphoria is present. It's an odd feeling that I don't know how to describe other than simply calling it "dysphoria" without the depression.

J

I have logged a full year (between 2 attempts) at transition, and a few years with a passive transition (herbals, buy/purge). In my own brain, I honestly love shopping for bags, shoes, but women's clothing is a cornucopia of opportunity. SInce my divorce, I've dated half dozen women. Some of them were to me, quite fine; so much that I was questioning to myself, "Does this girl really dig me? Girls in high school abhorred me, why shouldn't adulthood be any different?" Of course the prettiest women I dated dumped me for my inherent femininity, domestication, and uber-kindness. Just hold that thought for a second...

Its a foregone conclusion that I overwhelmingly prefer the company of women. That said, there is a good chunk of my brain that would still prefer to take the blue pill, destroy all desires of self-femininity, do good by God (by worldly standards), avoid more sin, and have the ideal hetero marriage; me being buff, cute, and wanting NOTHING feminine except my wife, who is well... totally gorgeous.  Go to church, pray, be less sinful in God's eyes than well...

... I am now. But I can't f**king help it. I am what I am and that's all that I am (think Popeye). I want to be one of the pretty girls, my feminine brain is not compatible with that ideal I outlined above, in my experience. I feel I am stuck... all my life; that of course is God-blessed. Maybe God made me this way, maybe its a birth defect, or maybe the depraved world of sin created me to be this way. Yes I'm a born-again Christian and my relationship with the Trinity is the most important thing of all to me.

So yea I would prefer the blue pill to convert me to all man both man, heart, body, and spirit and be with the idealistic family. Ravage my beautiful wife like crazy. Show her who's boss while loving her. Show my kids the ways of God.

But now... apparently I'm trans. Yes I do fantasize about a man's equipment; even experimented in the past. But hate everything else about maleness. I am a feminist and truly feel women are more evolutionary advanced. Think about it with all generality; women are more liberal/loving, man's arrogance prevented them from leadership roles all the while men have f**ked up the world so many times over. Women have lovely heads of hair and relatively hairlessbodies. Their reproductive organs are internal, the list goes on.

Well ok yea my type-a fear-ridden, legalistic, depraved, worldy view is that being 100% man is ideal... But my heart, my desires, my emotions.... desire to be all female. Gosh if I had a million bucks...

Thanks for listening girls :)

Quote from: Tommi on January 05, 2016, 01:45:14 PM
I know I have spent countless amounts of time reading up on gender dysphoria, and trying to determine if I had it, then convincing myself I didn't have it.

I think we all spend inordinate amounts of time denying the truth because of how we fear being perceived.

This is where I am constantly.  I always think I'm certain one way or the other and keep coming back to Michelle.

Quote from: Michelle86 on January 13, 2016, 12:17:40 PM
This is where I am constantly.  I always think I'm certain one way or the other and keep coming back to Michelle.

I thought I had it figured out last week. I keep switching one way then back. If I settle on Jayne, briefly for a very short time I think it's ok and find some kind of peace. Then I get filled with pure hatred of the whole concept of me even a little bit as a woman. It does not compute. So it seems I was very wrong to ever think I was transgender. I obviously have some kind of illness that is yet to be diagnosed.

I am very sorry for considering myself trans and including myself in your community. This is not where I fit and I only imagine I cause unnecessary confusion to those who need help from people who know what they are talking about instead of reading my messed up rankings.

If there is anybody from the admin staff that reads this, please delete my account as I am in the wrong place. (A padded cell seems more right for me)

Sorry to burden you all with my ->-bleeped-<-

J

Quote from: Jayne01 on January 14, 2016, 01:09:26 AM
I thought I had it figured out last week. I keep switching one way then back. If I settle on Jayne, briefly for a very short time I think it's ok and find some kind of peace. Then I get filled with pure hatred of the whole concept of me even a little bit as a woman. It does not compute. So it seems I was very wrong to ever think I was transgender. I obviously have some kind of illness that is yet to be diagnosed.

I am very sorry for considering myself trans and including myself in your community. This is not where I fit and I only imagine I cause unnecessary confusion to those who need help from people who know what they are talking about instead of reading my messed up rankings.

This happens to a lot of people, myself included. I can't tell you how many times I posted here all excited that I had finally figured out what the heck I was, then the next day realized I was wrong. And the day after that, realizing I was right the first time. I've stopped seeing shrinks because I was so sure I was cured, then called back to grovel for a new appointment a week later. At some point you just have to make the decision. The only clear decision for me was to try the transition, because I already tried not doing it and I was stuck in the land of confusion. The only way to know for sure was to give it a shot. I do wonder from time to time if I'm doing the right thing, but I am definitely much happier than I was before and that confusion is gone.

Trans is a spectrum. It's not all or nothing. Whether or not you're in the part that would require a transition is something that needs to be determined by you, but I feel like people just randomly questioning don't have names for their alter egos. The hatred could actually be shame due to lack of self-acceptance. If it really is hatred pure and simple, why do you keep returning to it? Just my thoughts. I'm not a shrink.

Quote from: Michelle86 on January 13, 2016, 12:17:40 PM
This is where I am constantly.  I always think I'm certain one way or the other and keep coming back to Michelle.

I can identify with this!

Denali I am

Jayne,

Hey - hang in there. I have much in common with you.

I am not saying you are not crazy - I am just saying you are not the only one.

I have never been a fan of labels. I am more scared of being labeled Transgender than I am of being Transgender.  I know logically it does not make sense - but it is how I feel.

It will take time to work out who you are. I agree it is awful fighting with yourself, and not knowing who you are. But it will take time.

I try to keep focused on one step at a time.

Take care

Quote from: dazedAndConfused01 on January 15, 2016, 12:21:03 AM

I am not saying you are not crazy - I am just saying you are not the only one.

That actually made me laugh. Maybe I am crazy.

i am glad you laughed.



Just wanted you to know you are not alone - and 20 years ago someone qualified to do so might have declared us both crazy. Thank goodness it is not 20 years ago.



Who knows - if you stay here in the forums (Trans or not) maybe it can help.

Quote from: Jayne01 on January 14, 2016, 01:09:26 AM
I thought I had it figured out last week. I keep switching one way then back. If I settle on Jayne, briefly for a very short time I think it's ok and find some kind of peace. Then I get filled with pure hatred of the whole concept of me even a little bit as a woman. It does not compute. So it seems I was very wrong to ever think I was transgender. I obviously have some kind of illness that is yet to be diagnosed.

I am very sorry for considering myself trans and including myself in your community. This is not where I fit and I only imagine I cause unnecessary confusion to those who need help from people who know what they are talking about instead of reading my messed up rankings.

If there is anybody from the admin staff that reads this, please delete my account as I am in the wrong place. (A padded cell seems more right for me)

Sorry to burden you all with my ->-bleeped-<-

J

I always read your posts J, and I have became a strong advocate of TG people..., you are, who you are:) you deserve to be whoever you're comfortable with being:)
Marie


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Quote from: jamiej on January 15, 2016, 05:07:33 AM
I always read your posts J, and I have became a strong advocate of TG people..., you are, who you are:) you deserve to be whoever you're comfortable with being:)
Marie


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Hi Marie,

I wish I knew who I was to be that person. Right now I have no idea what I am comfortable being. It is very unsettling and confusing. I really did think I had finally figured it out last week. But now I feel as though I'm back to square one and have to start from the beginning.

J

31 years old here and I relate to your story in a major way. I don't know if I'm transgender so I still assume cisgender despite:

"Aya" being the name for what I call the caged feminine inside my mind.The name I would ever go under if I transitioned.
Being her for 5 years straight online. Neglecting my male body so bad I had to stop. Only went outside a three or four times a year. But the problem is my father died of cancer before then. So I have to question if that's the cause, wanting to be someone else to avoid facing grief.
I was a social recluse, still am in many ways, never had a romantic relationship, never had a job, dropped out of college, started to write and draw, in a fantasy world I could be whatever I wanted, and my story stars 3 female protagonists who I could vicariously live through. So they diagnosed me with Asperger's Syndrome, despite me mentioning a desire to be a girl.
-Every single character in video games I've played has been female.
- I slept through this Christmas, so much so I got sick. I only woke up to write and draw and go online. I'd rather dream my life away.
- I watch transgender videos all the time. I try to strengthen my male identity by watching alot of MRA and MGTOW videos.
- I hate my masculine face. And my head so much. I wish my skull was smaller.
-Hell I don't even bother with personal hygeine. Last  year I got skin ulcers, so painful I could barely walk. I showered practically never and was in bed all the time. I just didn't and to a large extent am completely apathetic. 

I never crossdressed really. I bought a wig and make up but only tried them once.
I don't talk to women irl as friends beyond my own family. Though I used to play with dolls and all that,  was never "with" the girls as a kid or a teen. Or an adult for that matter.

Despite all that though I don't feel female. I don't know what feeling female is. I just feel like me. And I know I feel miserable most of the time. The art and fantasy only helps so much. I don't know if transitioning would help but I know I would look like crap and people would probably call me a freak. Taking hormones for the rest of my life, painful feminisation surgery, which I can technically afford, but the kicker, SRS where youd have to dilate it from healing over? It sounds overwheming, and frightening. I don't want to be transgender because I want it to go away on its own, and by all accounts gender dysphoria rarely does.

I haven't seen a doctor about this and I don't want it to be gender dysphoria. I just want it to be an expression of autism. Maybe because of my Aspergers I'm so emotionally withdrawn and repressed and unable to cry so I wish I was female to give myself permission and a license to be emotional. More than ever I want to tell someone how I feel and for me it too comes and goes. I told my mother and she thought I was gay. Some days I'll be perfectly fine and others Aya will violently shake her cage.

When I watch anti trans videos I think maybe they're right. Maybe it is a mental illness. Anything to deny that I could be trans. I get into circular patterns of thinking that because I havent transitioned at all by my age, that means those who have transitioned must have it worse and must have"real" gender dysphoria. What I have is fake gender dysphoria. That's what I'll keep believing. because it's safe and comfortable. It's the feelings I'm familiar with. It's the misery I know.   

JMJW, I'm sorry you are going through this. It really sucks. Due to my screwed up mind, I'm not in any position to give you advice other than it may be helpful to seek out a gender therapist. They may be able to help you figure things out.

Hope things improve for you.

J

Have you thought about the possibility that you might be somewhere under the nonbinary umbrella? I was in the nb community for around 2 years, and there are a ton of different experiences there. You may want to look into the term "genderfluid".
Either way, I understand your feeling. I went back, and forth, and back, and forth with genders for around 2 years. Went to get HRT, canceled, went to get HRT, canceled, etc.
I never thought I was supposed to be a boy up until recently, and using the term "born in the wrong body" is a new thing for me. When I first realized I was trans, I didn't have the words for it, given that I was 12. All I knew was that I was, what I now know to be, dysphoric. However, my dysphoria waxed and waned for a long time. Still does a bit, actually.
I understand not knowing your gender. For me, I never doubted if I was trans, but I DID change my gender identity every 5 seconds... And even now, I'm a bit of an "odd" FTM, in that I still enjoy makeup and feminine fashion.
And on your second question, I've had many-a-night where I was purely distressed by the fact that I am trans. I've often wished I wasn't, sometimes I wish I could've just been a cis girl, that I could've just...continued on, unaware. But I think it's a matter of accepting that that's not who you are, and trudging on, you know?
Basically what I'm saying is, you may be trans, you may not be, only you can determine that. However, I think it's important to remember that trans experiences come in every shape, size, form, and color. You are not alone - you may have just not found your tribe yet, so to speak.
Good luck.

Looking at the original thread title, another question would be broader and just as pertinent...how does one know anything for sure?

As for identifying as trans and to what degree you are open to accepting your conclusion, that is entirely personal.  For me, it was never really a question.  I recognized myself as a girl when I was very young and grew in to an understanding that I ended up with mixed up chromosomes.  Simple really, that my biology has never matched my identity.  For decades, I was able to control the negatives associated with such a mix up.  I worked on the "inside" to be me, to get by the best I could and to be happy with what I was given.

Many of my traits, female and male are built through my early interactions with friends, and to a very limited degree family.  Most male friends recognized me as a "gay boy".  My female friends were a bit different.  They recognized me as a girl and accepted me as their own and so I was able to straddle the fence, so to speak.  I could walk around and be seen as either by my direct peers and never really spent too much time considering anyone else's opinion.  My "world" was manifested in acceptance.

I began discussing my feelings, perceptions and desires (and indirectly choices) with my mom at an early age, but never "took advantage of it" to seek professional help.  This started around 12 or 13, so parts of my family were not very surprised when I came out at 28.  Some really hurtful experiences at 16 with parts of my family meant that I would have to make a choice in terms of moving forward and I shelved "me" for a long while, but eventually my trans issues grew beyond my ability to contain them within my own skin, irrespective of the concerns of anyone around me.

I was allowed the mind space to explore my feeling, perception and identity.  By 16, I was fairly sure I was bat-&#%( crazy, but I recognized for sure that my body was apart from who I actually am.  I simply did not have a name or label to fit in to and so felt pretty alone, but was accepted which made that much 3easier to bear.  It would not be until the 1990 that I would be introduced to the term "trans" and suddenly I had the lock to try my key in...the world opened and I finally had a semi defined path.

So for me, I have always known.  It took some time to find out the "what" of me, but it came together.  In today's world of hyper intensive information on almost every subject, I think that things are a bit harder to nail down actually.  In "my day", it was GG or GM and trans (actually 'transsexual').  It was a fairly tight definition with a guidedly defined path.  Now, there is a good understanding of the "spectrum" and the lines, if there ever really were any, are blurry.  No longer are the days when you were or weren't...and if you were you either "went all the way" or went nowhere with it.

The fact that one questions their identity's gender at all seems to be a strong indicator that something might be going on.  It is worth exploration with gender specialist therapy if the feelings persist for any length of time (to be determined by the individual).

No matter what, you are welcome here and accepted regardless of your personal level of desire to alter your path.  It is a personal path of growth and ultimately of self love and expression.  Be yourself, you are here and so it would seem that you are open to learning more about yourself.  How awesome is that!

I got to thinking again this morning when heading home from church (who is 110% accepting) my previous arguments as to why I feel I am trans. It struck me when I saw this lady at the packie with those patent clogs (which I find so cute).

My argument that I've admitted to have beat to death with my therapist is that what if I am so heterosexual (as a man, or boy as it were), too hetero in fact, that I want to become what I love most; those of the fairer gender. This first came up at 17 when a female friend of mine walked in my bedroom to hang out and noticed all the girlie posters in my room. It was plastered by them. My poor mother. The girl asked me why I had so many and I replied I sooooo love women. Then she asked me, "Do you want to be one?" or something like that. It was the first time I thought about wanting to be female although I experimented with girl clothes for many years prior.

Have any of you entertained this thought? Sometimes it comes to mind, like that lady with the clogs. If I see a lady with long flowing hair, fumbling with makeup, or carefully negotiating the snow in her heels. I keep thinking if I were built so manly and muscular, and a macho attitude to match, maybe if a beautiful woman love me would satisfy all my GD feelings. Well right after my divorce I kind of proved that while I looked male, and could go back to the gym to build my self up again, my mind would not match my body whatsoever. 2 beautiful women dumped me because I was too psychologically feminine.

I see all too often the pain people put themselves through due to the binary thinking of not just gender, but also being trans. Time and time again I see; I don't feel like X, therefore I MUST be trans and I MUST transition to Y. Being transgender is firmly believed to mean that transitioning is mandatory to qualify. Turning your world totally upside down when all that is bothering you TODAY is the feeling that you aren't 100% pure X.

To me transgender is not being cis. I haven't a clue as to what "Cis" must feel like. Just as I haven't a clue when I see new members of my TG support group come in with their life totally paralyzed, they cannot function due to the anxiety and depression, on the verge of suicide even. I do have some idea what it feels like between what Cis must feel like and them. I share many of the same feelings of both.

This is not to say I don't have a lot of angst some days as to where in the spectrum between cis-female and cis-male I am. Worse yet, where I would function the best and be the happiest. Some days it's "Better the devil you know...". Other days it's "I want to stop the pain"

I struggle with this issue too. I'm not the sort of person to hop onto something big like this without being sure. I've ignored this being a problem in my life and I now spend a lot of time reading up on the issue. My biggest area that matches up with dysphoric feelings is sexual. I've never done anything like that and was comfortable with, there was always some sort of freak out or panic attack. And while I do have issues like depression and anxiety, it's escalated to being physically violent to people who just try to touch from doctors to potential dates. And then I've never felt right being labeled "female" growing up I was a tomboy but that's not really how I feel on the inside. Most of my pre-teen years I would fixate myself on characters from various shows or books that were strong male figures and I felt comforted by that.

Until I hit the low of actually pretending to be a male over the internet, introducing myself as female just felt disgusting to me. The biggest word that I think of when going over growing up or my feelings are always "disgusting". Even as a child I would do that, insist on being put in the male role of the play and then have an outburst when I was denied. I was self-aware but I was not comfortable like this. I do not think I would of behaved and sought out these alternate personas if I was okay being CIS. I just wish I hadn't ignored myself for so long.

Hi Girls & Guys

I new When I was so young that I can't remember. I always new that I was Female and had a very hard time growing up in my house with my father and two brothers being so manly. There are twice my size and height and weigh. I was born with a twin sister and we have always been so close. When I was little and my parents were not around my sister use to dress me up in her  and clothes looked exactly the same except I had short hair. Later in life I couldn't take it, My father use to beat it into me and say you are a man and I'm going to make you a man if it kills me. Well he had his way and I got married I was sterile so My brother donated for my wife to have 2 of my kids. I started taking testosterone when I was about 15 years old as I had no Sex drive and didn't care about either women or men.  they started giving me testosterone shots. As I grew older they kept increasing the dosage till one day I had a heart attack. In 2002 and then again in 2007 they found out that I had had my Heart attack because they were giving me so much testosterone.  So they took me off it in 2007 and all hell started with my body. I new my whole life as I have said that I never felt right as a guy.  Well my father got sick in 2006 year and died in the winter of 2007. Within 2 months after I came out to my family that I wasn't really sure what the hell was wrong with me but I knew I felt like I got hit by a truck. I stuck it out as a guy till February of 2011 when I just told everyone that I was going to transition. I lost a lot of my family at that time. Some have come back and some have not. After I had gone full time I really realized that I was really female and not male. I have been living very much happier in my life now and very comfortable with who I am and have become. I had SCS on October 20th 2015 with Dr. Marci Bowers and It has been great for me ever sense but while in the OR during my surgery Dr. Bowers found out a few more things about me than in a million years would have expected and was as surprised as much as me about what she found out. Sense my surgery I have gone threw many mental changes in my life from being very happy to being very depressed and now to mad and trying to figure out what went wrong when I was born in 1957. Please don't take me wrong I'm Very happy that I chose to have SCS and with this Doctor Bowers as she has been a wonderful support for me and calls me all the time to see how I am doing.I myself am heading back out to see her on Feb 3rd for a complete check up. The mystery goes on today as I still wondering what that I have missed out on.I guess that I will always have a something to take to the grave with me without any answers. :'(


Hug's
Lyndsey

Truth be told, I wish I could be a "normal" girl.

I wish I could put on a dress and not feel like Knuckles The Echidna in drag. I don't ever wish to be transgender. I don't think any of us do. Why would someone want to be something that is so severely misunderstood?

I can tell I am transgender because I have so many natural mannerisms, interests and/or behaviors that reflect those of what's more common for someone of the male gender than a female gender even though I was born biologically as female. I'll never forget over ten years ago when my brother pulled me to the side one day and told me "I wish you were my brother...." He wasn't laughing, giggling, smirking or even smiling, to say the least, he was dead serious.

I thought for years that I was a tomboy who would one day grow out of "acting like a boy," like everyone said I would. I tried many painful things to "grow out of" being transgender; dating a man (though I only like women), swinging my hips when I walk, wearing dresses and high heels, having long hair and long nails. All these things only proved to make the dysphoria life-threatening. If the very opposite of what you identify as hurts you to be this much, than I say it really means you are trans. That's why there is no test for it; its an innate, inner subjectivity of mannerisms and behaviors more or so associated with the gender different from what you were assigned as.

I get more dysphoric during the holidays also. I think it has alot to do with the pressure the holidays bring from trying to meet our family's and friends' expectations of who they think we are vs. who we really are. Mine's got to the point where I attempted suicide this New Year already. :(

Quote from: King Phoenix on January 17, 2016, 07:09:33 PM
Truth be told, I wish I could be a "normal" girl.

I wish I could put on a dress and not feel like Knuckles The Echidna in drag. I don't ever wish to be transgender. I don't think any of us do. Why would someone want to be something that is so severely misunderstood?

I can tell I am transgender because I have so many natural mannerisms, interests and/or behaviors that reflect those of what's more common for someone of the male gender than a female gender even though I was born biologically as female. I'll never forget over ten years ago when my brother pulled me to the side one day and told me "I wish you were my brother...." He wasn't laughing, giggling, smirking or even smiling, to say the least, he was dead serious.

I thought for years that I was a tomboy who would one day grow out of "acting like a boy," like everyone said I would. I tried many painful things to "grow out of" being transgender; dating a man (though I only like women), swinging my hips when I walk, wearing dresses and high heels, having long hair and long nails. All these things only proved to make the dysphoria life-threatening. If the very opposite of what you identify as hurts you to be this much, than I say it really means you are trans. That's why there is no test for it; its an innate, inner subjectivity of mannerisms and behaviors more or so associated with the gender different from what you were assigned as.

I get more dysphoric during the holidays also. I think it has alot to do with the pressure the holidays bring from trying to meet our family's and friends' expectations of who they think we are vs. who we really are. Mine's got to the point where I attempted suicide this New Year already. :(

Hi :angel:

I know how you feel as I get the same way and I transitioned. As we all know when we start this or decide not to it can be so freaking had to stay on track. My heart goes out to you. You need to do what you need to do for yourself and it doesn't matter what others will think as after a bit of time everything will fall into place. Be yourself!

Hug's
Lyndsey

Quote from: Lyndsey on January 17, 2016, 04:07:04 PM
The mystery goes on today as I still wondering what that I have missed out on.I guess that I will always have a something to take to the grave with me without any answers. :'(

Hug's
Lyndsey

But you do have a great attitude about enjoying your life now in the place that you were meant to be - you are there now and for all time. Thanks for your testimony - such a powerful example of how everyone was trying to make you into something that you were not because they thought that is what you should be and couldn't see the forest for the trees - even to the point of seriously endangering your life. So glad you made it through that!
Love,
Denali

Jayne, being confused as to what you are is a part of being transgender. You will figure it out sooner or latter and this is the place to do it. If you know you matched your birth gender, you wouldn't be transgender. Many here have felt what you feel so you are not offending anybody here.

I only know that i am a girl and it's all
When i was a kid i waited that someday the things change, start to use dress, grow up like my girl cousins and other ideas that NEVER come true  :(
Now i have the change to be like i feel, yes i know that i'm trans (1 month to start hrt probably) but i prefer to think that is a step to be a girl :D

i remember that i saw a test,
so is here the link
http://transsexual.org/cogiati_english.html
Huges and best wishes  :D
bye

Wow, long thread.  Often the stories sound so familiar.

A few months ago I began to see cracks in my reality that hinted I may have some deep soul searching to do.  I've been uncomfortable in my body my whole life, never did I think it was gender related though. I have lived a gender-normal (male) life for the most part.  I'm 41 yo, married 6 years with a daughter and another on the way.  The only inkling I had that I was different was that I began reading transgender fiction/erotica in college and continued to read it throughout my life.  I felt shame about it but chalked it up to a sexual kink.  I even considered writing some myself or doing captions.

Fast-forward to 6 months ago.  It began with crossdressing, something I'd never done my entire life that I can recall.  I decided on a whim to try on some things, and I frankly enjoyed it way more than I thought I would.  But the reflection in the mirror wasn't satisfying though.  The silhouette was wholly wrong, and I was upset about it, it looked wrong.  I went on a diet, bought breast forms, padded hip/butt pads, and began working out to improve my thigh, butt, and hips.  I started dressing en femme all day at home, practiced makeup, tried out foundation (I hate my beard shadow), grew my nails out a bit, painted them red then pink, got a pedicure and pretty red toes, pierced my right ear (left was already pierced from my teen years).

Still my body didn't fit the image in my minds eye.  I went online to find more information about feminizing my body, looked at breast growth pills, herbal stuff, but to be honest I doubted any of them would work.  I stumbled on some of the transgender forums and spent several days plumbing the depths for information, experiences, and stories about those that are transgender.

I began to question, and knew it was time to talk to someone about it so I setup my first gender therapist vision last Thursday.  It was difficult talking about things that I've never uttered a word about to anyone else in my life, there were tears, and I rarely cry.  We ended the session and planned another session this coming Thursday.  I don't know what's going to happen, and don't know for sure if I'm transgender, but part of me at least thinks I am.  All I really know is that I've been different somehow, and that I've been changing slowly over the last few months and continue to.  It feels like I maybe seeing a light ahead, but there is still lots of uncertainty, shame, fear and anxiety. 

I often wonder if maybe I did this to myself somehow, did my sexual preoccupation do something to me.. I suppose this is a chicken or the egg thought experiment though, with no real answer.  I've often seen the thought experiment of "If there were a button you can press and magically change your gender, with no complications or changes to the rest of your life would you".  Yes, I would smash that button home and become a woman with no thought. 

I feel like I need more answers still, but I don't know when I will get them.  I hope my therapist will help me find them.

Cheers,
-Gia

"If there were a button you can press and magically change your gender, with no complications or changes to the rest of your life would you".  Yes, I would smash that button home and become a woman with no thought. 

yes its one thing to say , I will have a surgery to get rid of this penis, but its another scenario if there's magic pill I can take to replace it with a vagina, I would take it in half a second.

I did start taking female hormones 8 years ago, and I used the name Casey because I know its a gender neutral name. I started out with just herbal hormones but than it escalated, but to this day, I am still not sure if I am a woman or if I am just a feminine gay bottom. I cant figure myself out. I just cant. its one of the worst feeling in the world, not knowing who the hell you are and not ever knowing if you made the right decision , or if you messed it all up.

Quote from: Jayne01 on January 05, 2016, 05:28:51 PM
I never felt like I fit in from a young age, but being trans didn't enter my mind, or if it did, I have buried those memories so deep that I don't remember. I currently do feel lost and I don't trust my own mind. That is why I am looking for proof that I might be trans, because I don't trust myself. I have often thought of myself as not having my own identity. I am easily swayed by other people's views because I don't have any idea what my own views are.......on any subject. I am a non person! I can relate better with a machine than another human.

Maybe I am some kind of experimental robot that escaped from the lab before being completed. :)

J

I also often feel just like this!  I find it helps to ask people for advice or their opinions, because then I realize whether or not I agree with them, and that helps me figure out what I feel/want/opine.

You feel that your mind & your body don't align; like there's more than meets the eye to your being. Some people state they feel "trapped in their own body" but I can't say that describes my case.

For me, it was more "I'm trapped because society won't let me do girly things because I have male parts." Coupled with some mild-ish body dysphoria

Everybody experiences it differently

Quote from: Tommi on January 05, 2016, 01:31:13 PM
On the flip side though, while wearing my breast forms feels right, I also end up feeling fake, and "wrong" again.

I feel like using prosthetics can backfire sometimes when dealing with dysphoria because it's a reminder of what you don't have.

In fact, a lot of ftms who bind talk about needing to bind to have the confidence to leave the house but feeling their dysphoria doubled when they need to take the binder off.

I struggle with packing and so to a lot of ftms. If you don't feel like the prosthetic is a part of you it can just draw your attention to your dysphoria and cause you to suffer more.

I wouldn't want anyone to come away with the impression that feeling bad when attempting to use prosthetics means you're "not trans enough".

Quote from: KathyLauren on January 05, 2016, 01:43:26 PM
If you can ask the question, "Am I trans?", the answer is yes.  If you weren't, you wouldn't ask the question.

Yes, but the OP could be genderfluid or nonbinary or both, which would impact what sort of path forward, socially and possibly medically, that they want to pursue.

Genderfluid individuals have gender identities that are unstable over their lifetime. Over a period of months or years they may shift between genders. They may experience dysphoria while one gender, but none while another. Nonbinary individuals don't identify exclusively as any one gender or may identify as agender. They may experience dysphoria which may be relieved by medical intervention, or they may not.

The OP may be genderfluid, based on their initial comments. It will take a lot of thought and insight on their part to know that for certain, however.

Quote from: Asche on January 05, 2016, 06:41:58 PM
I've suffered a lot for being the way I am, but I refuse to blame my suffering on my nature.  I blame it on the narrow-minded bigots that spent my formative years tormenting me for being different.  There's nothing wrong with being trans, nothing wrong with my being trans, and nothing wrong with my not being the way other people insist I have to be.  There's something wrong with a society that makes life hell for people simply because they don't fit some people's stupid prejudices.

In total agreement with this sentiment.

Quote from: AnxietyDisord3r on June 11, 2016, 05:12:44 AM
I feel like using prosthetics can backfire sometimes when dealing with dysphoria because it's a reminder of what you don't have.

I absolutely agree with this. I'll even take it a step further. The more successful I am with each step the more dysphoria I feel over what's left. Objectively, my beard shadow isn't bad and I've gotten better with makeup, but I still see every hair peeking through.

   

Quote from: AnxietyDisord3r on June 11, 2016, 05:12:44 AM
I feel like using prosthetics can backfire sometimes when dealing with dysphoria because it's a reminder of what you don't have.

In fact, a lot of ftms who bind talk about needing to bind to have the confidence to leave the house but feeling their dysphoria doubled when they need to take the binder off.

I struggle with packing and so to a lot of ftms. If you don't feel like the prosthetic is a part of you it can just draw your attention to your dysphoria and cause you to suffer more.

I wouldn't want anyone to come away with the impression that feeling bad when attempting to use prosthetics means you're "not trans enough".

Quote from: carissajaye on January 17, 2016, 12:23:54 PM
My argument that I've admitted to have beat to death with my therapist is that what if I am so heterosexual (as a man, or boy as it were), too hetero in fact, that I want to become what I love most; those of the fairer gender. This first came up at 17 when a female friend of mine walked in my bedroom to hang out and noticed all the girlie posters in my room. It was plastered by them. My poor mother. The girl asked me why I had so many and I replied I sooooo love women. Then she asked me, "Do you want to be one?" or something like that. It was the first time I thought about wanting to be female although I experimented with girl clothes for many years prior.

Have any of you entertained this thought? Sometimes it comes to mind, like that lady with the clogs. If I see a lady with long flowing hair, fumbling with makeup, or carefully negotiating the snow in her heels. I keep thinking if I were built so manly and muscular, and a macho attitude to match, maybe if a beautiful woman love me would satisfy all my GD feelings. Well right after my divorce I kind of proved that while I looked male, and could go back to the gym to build my self up again, my mind would not match my body whatsoever. 2 beautiful women dumped me because I was too psychologically feminine.

It almost sounds like you're struggling with feelings of homoeroticism. Having lived as a gay person for many years I don't think there's anything wrong with that but I do find it a little humorous to contemplate attempting to purge homoeroticism through extreme heterosexuality. I guess a lot of people have tried that in one way or another, though.

I'm having to come to terms with my own heteroeroticism, which I always felt disconnected from due to my dysphoria. If I experienced autoandrophilia in my mind I had to conceptualize it as two men together (homoerotic) even though I'm not attracted to guys that way. I'm getting more comfortable with the hetero thing but it's difficult. Heterosexuality has a lot of sexist baggage, for one thing, baggage I've always found violently repulsive.

A minor thing for me having top surgery was having to say goodbye to homoerotic thoughts, feelings, and experiences. I never fit in for one second as a "lesbian" but in some way, same sex loving was an "easy" button because everything is mirrored. There was no hard line between autoeroticism and partner sexuality.

CarissaJaye, I am sure there is a hot bi femme out there who will definitely appreciate your feminine side. Not all feminine women are heterosexual--not even close--thank goodness!

Quote from: KoreyCabra on January 17, 2016, 02:54:00 PM
Until I hit the low of actually pretending to be a male over the internet, introducing myself as female just felt disgusting to me.

How is this a low? Maybe I'm "an old" but many cis women used gender neutral or male handles in the olden days to keep the jerks from texting "a/s/l" and ruder stuff at them constantly on IRC. (Yep, I'm an old.) I used male and gender neutral handles because for one thing there is no prize handed out for being openly a woman on the internet, just a ton of harassment. And secondly, because I felt more comfortable that way, especially when I used gender neutral handles and people took me for male because of how I talked. It helped a lot with social dysphoria in one way (but upsetting in another, in that just the way I looked convinced people in meatspace that I was a feminine woman ... without those markers, folks assume I'm male).

Online environments like MUDs (god, I'm an old) can be a relatively safe place to explore your gender identity and see how you do with a different social gender without facing consequences for being a big fat queer in your real life. It's not a low point, it's a tool to know yourself.

I'll be honest, any women who is open about being a woman on the internet (which, as we all know, is for trolls) is a lot braver and tougher than myself. I don't think I could take that much negative crap every time I log on.

Quote from: King Phoenix on January 17, 2016, 07:09:33 PM
I get more dysphoric during the holidays also. I think it has alot to do with the pressure the holidays bring from trying to meet our family's and friends' expectations of who they think we are vs. who we really are. Mine's got to the point where I attempted suicide this New Year already. :(

I'm so sorry to hear you went through that. Folks put us under so much pressure--so much more than they realize--and more than we can bear. Keep the faith. You know you have found your answers, even if it isn't an easy path.

Quote from: imissmymama on January 26, 2016, 01:39:31 AM
"If there were a button you can press and magically change your gender, with no complications or changes to the rest of your life would you".  Yes, I would smash that button home and become a woman with no thought. 

yes its one thing to say , I will have a surgery to get rid of this penis, but its another scenario if there's magic pill I can take to replace it with a vagina, I would take it in half a second.

I did start taking female hormones 8 years ago, and I used the name Casey because I know its a gender neutral name. I started out with just herbal hormones but than it escalated, but to this day, I am still not sure if I am a woman or if I am just a feminine gay bottom. I cant figure myself out. I just cant. its one of the worst feeling in the world, not knowing who the hell you are and not ever knowing if you made the right decision , or if you messed it all up.

I'm not a doctor, but IMO if you're doing better on HRT than you were without, then stay on HRT. I know it's easy to go on a med, feel better, and feel "cured" and like you don't need your meds any more when you do.

We are all suffering from the same problem--a developmental disorder of incomplete masculinization. Different parts of us got masculinized, and the degree varies between individuals. So you could very easily be in-between in your experience of gender, and in fact, we would expect it based on what little we know about fetal development.

Quote from: Jayne01 on January 05, 2016, 01:15:52 PM
Hello,

I am kind of back from taking a short break from this website. I need to find out if there is anyone out there like me, because right now I can't relate to anybody and feel very alone. I know many of you have tried to help me and I am very grateful for your help, but I still struggle to relate to anyone's story.

A little information about me. I am a 43 year old male, married for 14 years. I came out to my wife about 6 months ago that I think I might be born in the wrong body. My wife is struggling but also understanding and sticking by me. I never really "knew" that I was trans or "supposed" to be a girl. There have been times throughout my life where I wished I was a girl but it has never been something that constantly ate away at me. Lately it has been getting worse and my dysphoria ranges from completely off the charts to non-existent. So sometimes I think I am definitely trans, and other times I think WTF was I thinking, I'm just a guy. It is incredibly confusing. I have been seeing a gender therapist for a few months now and thought I was making progress. But over the Christmas break I seem to have gone backwards and now am struggling more than ever. I have trouble accepting I am trans and do not want it under any circumstances.

I have 2 questions.
1) How can you know for certain that you are transgender? There is no medical test to prove it.

2) Is there anyone out there that has a similar story to mine? From what I have read, people either know they trans from a young age or those that find out later in life welcome it and are happy to be trans. I DON'T want it. I just want to be a normal guy. It is ruining my life.

Thank you for reading my rant.

J

For me I knew at age 5 years old. I tried to cut off my penis and scrotum and ended up in hospital.

They referred me to a psychiatrist who assumed all trans kids were just "weak males"

I then had all toys confiscated, taught how to walk & talk like a guy, bathroom door opened so I wasn't sitting to urinate, girl friends prohibited, and put on a "make a man" programme that was plain old child abuse. Oh it worked, sort of.

I became a ferocious disciplined fighter and extremely angry person. I even used very traditional religion to keep myself suppressed. I became an "alpha of alphas" and hated everyone and everything for it.

Every day looking at the boy then man in the mirror made me more furious. Every time someone called me by my male name encouraged me to turn my rage to yet a higher
setting.

I was then Victoria and am me now, uncloaked, visible.

But eventually the anxiety became too great & I had to transition. I was literally debilitated.

Now I'm me, just happy me.

I always knew.

Kindnesses
Victoria xx

Quote from: Ely-chan on January 24, 2016, 05:53:44 PM
i remember that i saw a test,
so is here the link
http://transsexual.org/cogiati_english.html
Huges and best wishes  :D
bye

I don't like those tests I took one a few months ago and it freaked me out when it gave me results I knew were not right I posted about it right after taking it. I just knew I was trans it just took a while for me to accept it I started questioning when I was 25 because thats when I found out that some one who was born with male or female parts could be the opposite gender but did not get correct info and fell into the whole myth if I was transgender I should be attracted to men and I am not, it took until this year for me to get the correct information and come out I am 39 now. I like the advice I have gotten here that if you are questioning your gender more than likely you are trans.     

I always knew i felt better expressing myself as feminine. Too much masculine and i felt crappy or at the very least i felt like i was acting. Then i became resentful that the world basically expected to me act. Then i became angry over double standards about gender, so i became more and more feminine.

Later in life i took the online tests, tested off the charts, and along with my therapists, got it through my dense brain that i was actually transgender and that instead of just being "the feminine guy", i should just go ahead and be my true gender.

Hi everyone.

Thanks for your replies. I forgot I started this thread, it has been dormant for a while and kind of a lot has happened since then.

I had actually deleted my account here earlier this year. The same account I used to start this thread. When returned, I signed up again and used the same username, but all my previous posts did not link to my new account, so All the old posts kind of fell off my radar.

I can now answer my own question in my OP. How do you know for sure that you are trans?
My answer to that is, you just do. It is not a helpful answer to someone who is asking the question, but once you finally understand and accept yourself it makes much more sense. The answer many people gave me was that if you are wondering if you are trans, then you are trans, because cis people do not ask that kind of question. That is probably the best answer I got, but in the end, I needed to just work it out on my own in my own way.

I started a new thread on here when I rejoined the forum which has become quite a long thread. I have had so much good advice and support from everybody who replied to me. I went from unhappy to depressed to a kind of confused happiness back to depressed and finally accepting myself and being truly happy. And determined to stay happy.

If anybody is bored, here is the link to my current thread, but be warned, it is a very long thread.

There is no solution to this.....or maybe there is!
https://r.tapatalk.com/shareLink?url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww%2Esusans%2Eorg%2Fforums%2Findex%2Ephp%3Ftopic%3D207772&share_tid=207772&share_fid=50490&share_type=t

So my question in my first post is no longer relevant. I know that I am trans. I am a trans woman and proud to be me. Accepting that has given me so much joy.

Jayne

I am so happy you were able to find yourself! With Love, Kris

Sent from my SM-G920T1 using Tapatalk

My wife bailed after 20 years because we never had kids. We never had kids because 'to me, for me', being dad was like branding male on my forehead. I got so I really couldn't have sex because it caused panic attacks. Why, because women don't have sex with their penis. I picked up the disturbing habit of burning male anatomical parts with cigarettes, referring to my AR15 as my Curt Cobain gun, you get the picture. That was after 15 years of massive repression to be a 'normal' good husband. following out for years in the 90s. I knew 30 years ago really, but I never believed a linebacker (with good hair) could pull it off, but I would never admit that to myself. I realized I was going to die for my denial.

Quote from: AnxietyDisord3r on June 11, 2016, 05:17:45 AM
Yes, but the OP could be genderfluid or nonbinary or both, which would impact what sort of path forward, socially and possibly medically, that they want to pursue.

Genderfluid individuals have gender identities that are unstable over their lifetime. Over a period of months or years they may shift between genders. They may experience dysphoria while one gender, but none while another. Nonbinary individuals don't identify exclusively as any one gender or may identify as agender. They may experience dysphoria which may be relieved by medical intervention, or they may not.

The OP may be genderfluid, based on their initial comments. It will take a lot of thought and insight on their part to know that for certain, however.

And this is really my point.  In my local support group, we have several individuals who identify at genderfluid and we support them like any other trans person there.  We just shift pronouns a little.  They do not identify as CIS, or as strictly binary, but have a shifting expression.  Two are on HRT, one FTM the other MTF.  In any case, they transition to where they find comfort and stop.

They question their gender the same as any of us, but simply have a more complicated answer (relatively).

For many years I identified as gender neutral, non-conforming or fluid.  My friends from my original HRT days still consider me to be pretty fluid in presentation, but recognize that I am pretty much a girly girl in a tomboy body
:D