Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I suppose I could say that I've always known that I wasn't quite the right gender. For as long as I can remember, there's been these parts of me that were inexplicably wrong. One example that comes to mind is going shirtless around the neighborhood or while swimming. While the other little boys seemed more then happy to get out of their shirts to run around in the sun or water, I have *always* hated taking mine off. In fact, I still do to this day. I used to get teased about it so much...

I mentioned this to a FTM boy and he said he was the exact opposite!

So I wonder what experiences others may have had?

age 3 that is all

Yes and no.  When I was a kid I wasn't aware of the anatomical differences between boys and girls, so my birth gender didn't bother me.  But I always expected to grow up to be a man, or at least I was convinced that I wouldn't grow up to have a female figure, and I wanted to be a fireman, policeman, etc. and I always pretended to be male characters from books and movies.  It wasn't so much a conscious "I'm in the wrong body, I want a male body" as it was I just never considered being a girl character.

I.. Didn't know. And to me, that was a really big 'didn't.' :P
I didn't know why I wasn't a girl, really. I asked, and asked.. As soon as I could form the sentences.
I had a near bizarre obsession with reproduction, as a small child. Not with the act, but with the process. I desperately wanted to find out why I wasn't born a girl.

Yes. Age 9 I knew for a fact. Before the fateful day I learned the word transsexual I didn't know what was wrong with me I just knew I was very odd, but as soon as I saw my first talk show on transwomen it clicked and I knew without any doubt. (just took me 32 years to do something about it.)
Yes I played with girl toys preferably and prefered girls to boys at all times but alowing myself to think I might be a girl was not going to happen until I had the vocabulary for it.

I always knew I was male, even sandwiched between two sisters and lumped as 'the girls' I just wanted to do fun boy stuff.  I wasn't aware of the anatomical differences until I saw a boy peeing. Then it was wait, what?  I'm missing something!  When someone asked me (around age 10) if I was 'developing' (meaning boobs) I was MORTIFIED.  It went downhill from there.


Jay

actually i didn't give it much thinking , i was just being me , avoiding being picked at by other kids for doing 'girly' stuff and hanging around with girls and playing 'their' games . although for some reason i don't know/remember my mom used to put me in dresses until i was 5 or so , and then i remember my surprise when i was told that this wasn't what i was supposed to wear
started to realize when boys and girls bodies started to look different (i.e 11 yo or so)

My earliest recollection of knowing something wasn't right and acting on it was about age 4.  I also learnt at that age to hide it.  By age 10 i had put a name to it.  And like Cynthialee it has taken me another 29 years to do something about it.

Yes, I absolutely knew by age 3-4. Reading was what did it for me - I always, invariably identified as and imagined myself as the male character. I couldn't be a girl in my head if I tried. I couldn't imagine growing up to be a woman.

The lack of certain anatomy reared its head during potty training and again repeatedly through my childhood. And I was totally mortified by my breasts. But really it just always came back to not being able to see myself as a woman. Women were foreign to me.

age 3 for me, I got hit with it real hard in head start.

"felt like it" @ age 4
"knew I wanted to be a girl for sure" @ age 7
"oh, it can happen, its called a transsexual" @ age 9

... yeah, watched WAY to much Discovery channel when I was little xD

Started feeling weird at about age 8 or 10....probably earlier but I can't remember much of anything before 7....

Found out 3 months ago that it was possible.....

yes, I knew. Still it's painful to remember it over and over.

had no idea there was a name or a cure for it until i was 18, just thought I was weird, and had a fleeting thought of "wish i was a boy"

From my memory, yes I did sorta... I knew something but I wasn't sure what it was. I've lived a really sheltered life... even sheltering myself from my own feelings....

When I was younger I would fantasize about, looking back on it, completely female situations... Whether it love, dressing up, etc. there were times when it was distinctly feminine.  There is even a video of me, when I was around 3 or 4, trying to breast feed a teddy bear.  Those experiences started what felt like a cascade of traits inside me, events in my life unfolded, and here I am today.  I remember when I was getting the birds and the bees talk and was greatly disappointed that I would not experience a period.  Though I didn't directly know at the time, my feelings told me later on. 

Not really until puberty. I liked going shirtless, but they made me stop. I don't know if it was so much a male thing as it was just more comfortable on those hot 120 degree F days.

I don't think I was even really aware of gender until I hit puberty. Not fun at all. If there's one thing I don't want to relive, it's that.

Edit: I always just sort of assumed I'd grow into a man. Funny how I didn't really think about it. Just thought I'd be like my father, I looked up to him.

Quote from: forallittook on May 28, 2010, 12:24:43 AM
When I was younger I would fantasize about, looking back on it, completely female situations... Whether it love, dressing up, etc. there were times when it was distinctly feminine.

I can relate to this, I can only explain it as a memory of a feeling... if that makes sense at all haha. Also random vivid memories of fantasizing... even particular instances at a young age.

Yes another age 3 to 5 one... can't put an exact age on it, for obvious reasons, but I know that I first "came out" to my mother in a Clarkes shoe shop in Kensington High Street of all places and that it was well before I started school.

The trouble is I was a very determined little person back then and despite my parents best efforts at containment, efforts which were hampered when my father died of cancer, it seemed that once I had decided that that was what I was going to be there was nothing they could do to prevent me from making my feelings known to anyone who would listen.

Early battle grounds were red girls shoes, longish hair, a kilt as part of my school uniform, and a party frock! Amazingly I won on all occacions.

Unlike most children of the time I thus grew up very "out" and ended being taken to an array of child psychologists one of whom fortunately decided that it was "just a phase" and that the best thing my mother could do would be to play along and make it "our little joke!" Because that way, she said, my mother, who was by then an only parent, would have a good strong emotional bond with me.

I think it also helped that my mother was a BBC radio producer who specialised in medical programmes and therefore had heard about this strange phenomenon of gender dysphoria. She had even inteviewed April Ashley!

Upshot was by the time my mother remarried I was at one of the most advanced and avante garde boarding schools in the country where I was being allowed to grow up openly "in between" genders, and my step father, who was not quite so sympathetic, felt it unwise to interfere. Thus the only hassle I had to face was the occasional sarcastic comment from him.

I'm another who knew from as soon as I had realisation. I knew I was a girl. Didn't know I wasn't for a while. In early puberty confronted my parents why my breasts weren't developing and why wasn't I starting periods. School was hell, I thought everyone thought like me, found out the hard way that boys didn't think like me. I was talking to a friend today that I was in an all male CB school where there was one girl; as far as I knew. He laughed.

Love to go back to a school reunion with a flame thrower; not for everyone, I would like a lot of them to see me and realise what I am, but a few special individuals I could happily introduce them to pain. They after all introduced it to me :'(

Cindy

I didn't... I wasn't clearly dysphoric before age 11.
While I say I didn't
I have memories and I've been told stories about me as a child which seem unusual for a male child to do but for all of those times I can't remember what I was thinking or motivation when I did them and surely I would have a clue if it happened so many times.

I was raised in a rather gender neutral environment and I did both male and female typical things. All in all tho I think I slanted towards the male side behaviourally and you know I was happy enough like that.

The earliest of these is actually before my ability to recall... My mother told me this.
I was about 3 my sister was 1 apparently my sister got her first dolly and a pair of jelly girly sandals... Apparently I was crushed that I wasn't allowed to be part of the experience and didn't get to pick one myself I cried for days until my mother relented and got me some shoes like that and a dolly but she insisted that the colour schema be baby blue.

Some time later on holiday my hair got long and another boy asked me if I was a girl or a boy and I said Girl I spoke to him abit and hung around with him for alittle bit I have no idea why I said it or didn't correct it I can't explain my motivation. I certainly reacted badly when mother would try to cut my hair because I wanted it long... Again I don't know to what ends or why.
I also remember trying on my mothers shoes and jewellery but there could be any multitude of explanations for that. I remember my mother seeing me with one of her skirts and tights on and she wasn't best pleased. She asked angrily "So what your a girl now?" And I just knew from her tone I did wrong.

Although when I put these things here it seems obvious and there are more events that I've not put in. but it wasn't clear the rest of the time I was a typical boy.

Not on a conscious level that's certain. Though there are some memories that viewed with hind sight make me wonder. I think at the age of five I demand to have ballet lessons...but then prompltly proceeded to stomp around like a dinosaur (even then I was avante garde hehe) and I really hated having my hair cut. Actual feeling of dysphoria that i was aware of didn't hit untill about the age of 11 though...

I've always felt like a boy but didn't feel wrong until puberty I think that's because I was never forced to be a little girl like play with barbies and wear dresses so it didn't bother me, I dressed in gender neutral clothing and had an action man. Like pebbles I grew up in a gender neutral environment.

For a while I actually thought that I would grow into a man, I thought that my penis would grow later, it wasn't till a school friend showed me his that I realised that boys my age already had theirs.

It wasn't till puberty hit that I got really dysphoric.

I wouldn't say that I have always felt in the wrong body, just that other people seemed to think my preferences were odd (male friends, liking toys cars and action figures, refusing point blank to wear skirts and dresses).  This was apparent from my earliest memories.  I just thought that everyone must feel that way but kept it quiet, for the sake of conformity (and to avoid the apparently pejorative term "tomboy". I stil hate that.  Grrrr!). 

Then puberty arrived and I HATED my body and what it was becoming.  From then onwards, I realised that I had almost a "memory" of having a male body that my burgeoning woman's body was progressively moving further away from.  I think it was then the sense of "being in the wrong body" first occured to me.

I still have that sense of a memory of having had a male body before.  For examnple, I am still caught unawares by the fact that I have breasts, even though I have breastfed two children!  And I miss not having a penis, even though I have never had one.  Weird!

I've known since I was about 5. I remember sitting in the bath and knowing something was wrong from a very early age. I also used to stuff things down my pants which my Mum knew about & so then started the comments of 'don't ever turn into a boy' which she still sometimes says now. I really did believe I'd grow up to be a boy. Which made puberty even worse.

Quote from: Jasmine.m on May 27, 2010, 08:41:28 PMSo I wonder what experiences others may have had?

As far back as I can remember I wanted to be a girl.  There was a time I thought one day I was a girl, the next a boy.  I so looked forward to waking up a girl, but it never happened (at least not until much later!)

There was something I can't seem to put in words.  While I knew I wanted to be a girl, I think I also knew I was, at least my brain was.  When I think back when I was little, there was never a time when I thought I was a boy.  I knew I was supposed to act like one but I knew it was just an act.

There was a lot of subconscious stuff that I was aware of but I never really explored.  It's kind of like looking across a river at the people on the other side and watching them in their everyday lives.  I wanted to be there but I couldn't cross the river without taking a huge risk.  So I watched and dreamed of what life would be like.  But I always knew I belonged on the other side.

Thanks for all the wonderful responses so far!!

I guess my feelings of being a girl began long before puberty. I was just so confused about things. When my mom married my step-day I was around six. I was soooo jealous that my sister got to be the flower girl and wear a pretty dress while I had to be the ring bearer and wear a lame suit. Another example was beards. I just couldn't for the life of me figure out why some men had them and some didn't; all I knew was that I was *certain* I didn't want one!!

Even after I had been caught many, many times (and punished harshly) for wearing my sisters clothes, and having learned that I was indeed a boy, I still continued to believe that I would grow up to be a woman. I guess that is dysphoria...

Then puberty started and things got *really* confusing!!

Quote from: Julie Marie on May 28, 2010, 07:16:02 AM
As far back as I can remember I wanted to be a girl.  There was a time I thought one day I was a girl, the next a boy.  I so looked forward to waking up a girl, but it never happened (at least not until much later!)

There was something I can't seem to put in words.  While I knew I wanted to be a girl, I think I also knew I was, at least my brain was.  When I think back when I was little, there was never a time when I thought I was a boy.  I knew I was supposed to act like one but I knew it was just an act.

There was a lot of subconscious stuff that I was aware of but I never really explored.  It's kind of like looking across a river at the people on the other side and watching them in their everyday lives.  I wanted to be there but I couldn't cross the river without taking a huge risk.  So I watched and dreamed of what life would be like.  But I always knew I belonged on the other side.

That's beautiful Julie, and puts into words a lot my same experience. I just remember it actually hurting so bad when my parents would continually keep reinforcing to me that I was a "boy" when I didn't feel like a boy, or didn't feel like I fit that description. My best friends got to be girls, why couldn't I?

When i was 7, I use to dress in my boy parka, and snow pants, and pretend to be Christopher, my half brother. People would believe me. I felt so happy when they took me as a boy. It was like my own personal little high. I used to steal my ex-stepdads clothing and wear it to school. I looked like a freak, wearing mens clothing big enough for me to drown in. I never thought myself as a boy or girl though. I think i was kinda androgyne until i hit puberty. I was the first in my class to get Moobs (OH THE HORROR), and the first to get the red death. I was completely messed up and went into a kinda depression.I'm still kinda in it, 'cept now I'm angry. I hated my body. One time i slashed my wrists in an attempt to kill myself. I didn't cut deep enough though, so the only one who knew was me. I relized there was something really wrong with my mind set, and tried to figure out why i hated what i looked like, what i was called so much. Thats when i relized. The end.

I knew something was different, but I denied it.  Both grandmothers would always call me a little girl, my grandmothers boyfriend always said I looked like a girl and compared me to one of my cousins.  This confused me as I was born a boy, I was not a girl.  I went into denial and began to disassociate myself from family and others.  During family outings--beach, picnics--my mother would always take me to the washroom and change rooms--ladies of course.  I began cross dressing around four.  I recall when my parents bought me a little boys suit, I hated it and never wanted to wear it.  I never wanted to play with other boys and I hated sports and everything that boys liked.  My earliest childhood aquaintances when I started school were girls--I couldn't relate to boys, but I was forced to play with boys.  I began experimenting with makeup around 11 and went out cross dressed walking in the neighborhood when I was 12 or 13.  I hated being a boy, I hated being a teenager, I hated being a man.  What's more, I hate the fact that I have to violate my body in such a fashion (grs) in order to have somewhat of a normal life

From before I can remember, I always identified as a girl, played with other girls, and thought boys were crude and obnoxious!  ;D

It wasn't until about age 8 that I realized I had a serious problem but, in those days, there wasn't even a word for it. From 8 to 16, I didn't know what the @$# I was. I was 16 when Dr. Benjamin's book came out and I figured it out.

Pretty much everyone had it figured out when I was a child but nobody quite knew what it was.

I thought i was an alien, or at least part alien. No joke, legitimately convinced that I felt so weird was because i wasn't human.

doesn't help that my father can be abusive, so I spent a few years completely afraid of all guys before finally realizing that gender =/= personality/->-bleeped-<-ishness [few things i'd, uh, rather not talk about.]

Remeber wanting to be just like my best friend (a girl) aged three. Spent most of my childhood just happy being me, burst out crying when my mum wouldn't let me enter a talent competition to be in a musical production of 'Annie' explaining that it was just for girls, I think that was the point that I realised that being a boy would stop me being who I wanted to be. First saw something about transsexuals on TV, and just knew when I was 11. 27 years later, I'm about to start HRT, fast worker eh?

I knew something was wrong most of my life but had no idea what it was. I finally figured it out a little over a year ago then all the pieces fell in place.

Quote from: Dana Lane on May 28, 2010, 05:32:07 PM
I knew something was wrong most of my life but had no idea what it was. I finally figured it out a little over a year ago then all the pieces fell in place.

I envy you this. I have known for so long and not being true to self has been a personaly inflicted hell of sorts.

I did not know when I was kid, but I knew something was wrong. I felt so out of place in my earliest memories. I so wanted to do the things the girls did, but I did not think "i am a girl".

I always liked being nude so I never had the topless or not feeling. I still like going about the house topless.

I thought I was a cross dresser at 18, and just kept exploring from there over the last 14 years. I must be slow, it took me a long time to figure things out. It has all come together this year.

At about 8 years old I can remember starting realizing something wrong when it came to my gender. At around 10 is when I realized people wouldn't like me if I told them how I felt. At 12/13 is when I started researching how to transition/about transsexuals. The thought of telling something "I think I might be a TS", never really entered my head. I knew how they were treated, and I was scared of that. Even then I wasn't 100% sure what I was (or I told myself that), I just kept learning as much as I could.

Around 15-17 is when I started to accept that this is who I am. After graduating high school, is when I wanted to start transitioning, but I felt like killing myself more than anything :'(, depression pretty much took hold of my life. I was depressed for pretty much the entirety of high school and maybe even before that, just was getting worse and worse, and I hit rock bottom (My depression for the most part was not related to GID, that's for another topic though ;)). Came out shortly after turning 19 to my therapist, (some point between these two things is when I started to feel better/happier) started HRT shortly after turning 20.

Quote from: cynthialee on May 28, 2010, 05:41:38 PM
I envy you this. I have known for so long and not being true to self has been a personaly inflicted hell of sorts.

Well, it wasn't an easy life. I have been alone for about 25 years and over the last decade became very conflicted with myself. I started creating art to try and make myself feel somewhat balanced. It helped a little but until I finally figured it out I wasn't really happy. now I am totally happy! :)

It depends on what you mean by 'know'.

I told a friend I wanted to be a girl when I was 5-7ish, I told my mother and some other people when I was 10ish, I told more people when I was 13ish, somewhere floating around I even have a girls diary from 1997ish (i'd have been 9 or 10) I got my mum to get me because I wanted so badly to be a girl, and it has been on my mind every year of my life that I can remember. But, it was only right around when I turned 20 that I realized I could have and should have transitioned. I had avoided thinking about it because it was too painful, and that cost me what I feel like was a lot of time (though certainly not as much as some).

So did I know as a child? In every meaningful way yes, but I didn't know I could ever do anything about it. I knew I wasn't a girl, I just knew I wanted to be and that deep down I felt like one.

I see Jenny and I aren't the only ones who honestly thought we were aliens.

I guess it depends on the definition of "know". I had a pretty "normal" boy upbringing - i think.

Looking back now, i can definitely see signs of what was to come. A lot of signs.

But it took me to my mid-40s (and the invention of the interweb  :D) before i was able to identify exactly what had been going on with me.

I've always felt like I was a boy but I didn't actually know what it was until I was pubescent. A baby story my parents very commonly tell is one where I saw my brother peeing on a tree when I was probably two years old, and then had a tantrum when I tried to too but it just ran down my legs. When they tell that story I just give them a look and go "Really, how could you have not known sooner?" :P

And throughout childhood I always sort of knew I wasn't like most girls my age. Like a lot of other people said I identified with male characters from books, movies, cartoons, shows... I loved playing outside and in imaginary games I was the brother or the army man or the firefighter. I always envisioned myself growing up to be a man (still have a hard time picturing myself as a woman in my thirties, actually). When puberty came when I was 10 or 11 and I realized no, that would not happen, and that I was developing breasts I kind of shut down and hid away from myself. Wore horribly baggy clothes and stopped eating much. I still didn't know what was wrong then, just that I didn't feel "normal," that my mom wished I were like the other girls, and that I couldn't talk about it.
Realized "I want to be a boy, I'm in the wrong body" at 12.
Learned the name for it at 13. (Thank you, internet)
Finally started eating again at 14 :P Tried to accept femininity, which has just resulted in a lot of bouncing back and forth between one extreme to the other. Story of my life thus far.

I have always felt different as a child,  and my cousin would treat as a sister.  And I have a feeling my Mother knew something was different about me.  As she always was teaching me things she would have a daughter.

Quote from: LordKAT on May 28, 2010, 11:04:33 PM
I see Jenny and I aren't the only ones who honestly thought we were aliens.

Well, when I was being "different," my mom and I had a joke that I was actually a Martian...there were times when I half believed it...

Maybe we need an alien thread. I know I was pretty young when that feeling came along.

For me it goes back to about the age of three or so.  I knew I would rather have been born a girl but I also thought everyone who was born a boy wanted to be a girl.  I always figured that was why a lot of men were misogynistic because they were jealous of the fact that women actually got to be women.  So for a while I shut up and didn't complain about it because obviously no one else was complaining about it.  I knew that I was going to grow up to look like a man and I figured since that's going to happen I might as well try to be top notch at it.  I felt like I was competing with other guys about growing chest hair, chin hair, lifted weights, etc.  I read what gender dysphoria was and my immediate reaction was: "Well that's nothing special; everyone feels that way."  Of course during my late teens it dawned on me that they didn't feel like that at all.  So the answer is I guess I did know as a child but I didn't know that it was anything to write home about.

Maddie, I was wondering if you could talk more about how you felt. It's really interesting to me, because I sort of felt the opposite. And in trying to learn to understand the different forms of transness, I was able to come to terms with the idea that one might feel like one was a girl, but never was quite able to understand wanting to be a girl. What was it that you wanted?

Some of my earliest memories are of me dressing up in my mother's clothing.  This goes back to at least 5 years old, if not further.  I remember when I was about 7, I dialed '0' and asked how to become a girl.  Hey, at that age anything's possible right?  Sadly, I never told my parents, or my life would likely be quite different.  It seems that my mother's biggest problem with all of this is that she found out when I was 24 and not when I was 7 or 10. 

I have very early memories of feeling that I should be a girl, and in my childhood dreams I often was.  I guess I knew pretty much ever since I got my first lessons about gender.  This would have been when my mom was still pregnant with my sister, who is about two years younger than me.  I actually do still remember quite a lot of things (gender related and not) from ages one and two, I dunno why.

Anyway, I knew right from the beginning that such ideas should be kept secret.  The funny thing is growing up I really believed all boys secretly wanted to be girls and it was like our job to pretend not to.  When I got a little older I thought this was where machismo came from, it seemed so phony and put-on that I thought it must be part of the act. :)

Quote from: kyril on May 29, 2010, 03:13:37 PMI was able to come to terms with the idea that one might feel like one was a girl, but never was quite able to understand wanting to be a girl. What was it that you wanted?

Kyril- My experience has actually been much like Maddie's, albeit in the opposite direction.  Growing up I was indifferent to gender but always imagined I'd grow up to be a man.  When I realized that wouldn't happen I got very upset that I was a girl, and I figured all other girls felt the same way.  So, I didn't really bring it up either because I thought it was a common thing.  (I even stupidly sent a binder link to a female friend, who's probably figured me out by now.)  To my young mind, since I had a girl body, I was a girl, (conservative upbringing, no idea even what gay was until the middle of high school) and this was very upsetting, so I wished I was a boy.  I guess it's made it more difficult for me to 'come to terms' with being trans, and that I already do have a boy mind.  Does this help?

Kyril - It's actually more complicated than just a feeling of wanting.  I'm one of four children and my brother and I were always lumped together as "the boys."  That being said I knew from an early age that I must be a boy because that's what I'm called.  I didn't like it but that's how it was.  So that's what I tried hard to be.  And the odd thing is that I always thought that I looked like a girl when I was younger and how unfortunate that was because as much as I hated being a boy, looking like a girl was getting in the way of trying to be what I was expected to be.  To clarify I guess I can lump this and my previous post into several bullet points (which I should have done earlier)

-I was told I was a boy
     -Therefore I thought all boys were like me
     -I didn't want to be a boy
         -Therefore all boys felt the same way
-I also thought I looked like a girl
     -But I was supposed to be a boy
     -Girls were lucky for getting to be girls
     -Boys were unlucky because they weren't a girl
          -It never occurred to me that looking like a girl meant I could be one
          -Because I was told I was a boy
                -So looking like a girl while being a boy was unfortunate

Had I not assumed that everyone else was like me, I would have been able to say something sooner.  I think I asked my mom why I looked like a girl when none of my friends did.  She told me I didn't but I didn't believe her.  Its amazing that I never put thinking I was supposed to be a girl and thinking I looked like one together.  This probably doesn't clear anything up.

For myself it wasn't that I knew I was a guy. I was always masculine but I didn't equate it with wanting to be a guy for a very long time. I tried to pee standing when I was about 6 (and failed). At the age that kids tend to get obsessed with gender stereotypes (3-6ish?) I wanted to do "boy" things, despised Barbie. I played baseball and when I was told I could play only with girls I threw a fit...partially because I had small hands and couldn't hold a softball for ->-bleeped-<- and partially because I didn't feel like I fit in with an all girls league. I complained about wearing dresses and skirts when I was 3, and started shopping exclusively in the boys section for clothes when I was 10.

I will say that I really didn't know I was trans when I was young. I didn't really feel like I was a girl or fit what most people thought a girl was.

My experience is pretty similar to Maddie's but not quite the same.  It's hard to explain the way I was when I was little.  I've always "known" I was male because that's what everyone told me, however I always hated being called male pronouns.  I  also figured every boy would rather be a girl and therefore assumed I just had to deal with it.  When I was in grade school I can fully remember not wanting to have a strong upper body in physical fitness tests because that's what boys wanted and I wasn't a boy.  Somehow I never picked up on any of this.  So I think I did know as a child, on a very deep subconscious level, but I didn't realize consciously until I was 10 or 11.

Quote from: Maddie Secutura on May 29, 2010, 02:48:48 PM
For me it goes back to about the age of three or so.  I knew I would rather have been born a girl but I also thought everyone who was born a boy wanted to be a girl.  I always figured that was why a lot of men were misogynistic because they were jealous of the fact that women actually got to be women.  So for a while I shut up and didn't complain about it because obviously no one else was complaining about it.  I knew that I was going to grow up to look like a man and I figured since that's going to happen I might as well try to be top notch at it.  I felt like I was competing with other guys about growing chest hair, chin hair, lifted weights, etc.  I read what gender dysphoria was and my immediate reaction was: "Well that's nothing special; everyone feels that way."  Of course during my late teens it dawned on me that they didn't feel like that at all.  So the answer is I guess I did know as a child but I didn't know that it was anything to write home about.

Maddie!! It is so spot on how you put this... I too, for a very long time, believed that everyone else felt at least a little like I did; that other men were deep down trans and suppressing.  I am embarrassed to say this, but I feel like this illusion only escaped me in the past year.  I don't believe it is a matter of me being inept in recognizing how others feel.  Instead, my subconscious was naively assuming that others felt like me in the same regards to being trans.  On the same level, one's mind assumes that when other people feel happy it is a feeling similar to the one we ourselves experience; when other's feel sad, it is probably very close to the way we ourselves feel sad; etc.  From what I can tell, our brains do this because, in general, this cognitive model of other people in the world is correct; people really laugh, cry, have feelings of desire in much the same way cross-culturally.  This allows for relatively accurate modeling and efficient processing of social information.  Naturally, I believed my brain used this method in modeling other's cognitive framework.  My brain assumed the feelings I felt were felt by the vast majority of other's around me.

How wrong I was in relation to the issues of being stuck in the wrong body.  I still think GID is sparsely common... But, not near what I believed.  I am now at a point where I am trying to figure out how males in general do not feel the same way I do.  Obviously, I know they are comfortable in their physiological body, but these are feelings I can't generally relate to.  From what I can tell in the posts, this is a more common topic in the trans community than maybe acknowledged.  I think if it was examined through research, the results of studying this subject could be beneficial to therapy that tries to relieve the depression/ anxiety associated with trans. 
Thanks Maddie for addressing an issue which has been hexing me for a long time, it feels good to hear it in writing :)   

The reason I was interested to hear this is that I felt pretty much the same thing in reverse (like Farm Boy) - that nobody could possibly want to be female, that other girls must want to be boys, that all of them are deep down trans and suppressing it.

QuoteI am now at a point where I am trying to figure out how males in general do not feel the same way I do.  Obviously, I know they are comfortable in their physiological body, but these are feelings I can't generally relate to.

I could have said the same thing but with the word "females" substituted in.

I guess the difference is that I had an acceptable ideological framework on which to hang those feelings, and I found a certain amount of mainstream validation of them. What I did, basically, was assume that the discomfort I had with being female was a product of sexism - that what I was feeling was fundamentally the same as what feminists were feeling and expressing in their writing.

That obviously doesn't work for the physical dysphoria - I still couldn't grasp why anyone would want to have a female body (who would want to be weak, soft, hormonally volatile, emotionally unstable, and in pain and bleeding 25% of the time?) But it was reasonably successful for explaining the problems I had with women's clothes, shoes, beauty standards, mannerisms, social roles and expectations, relationship roles, and the like. Surely all these things must have been equally uncomfortable and artificial and wrong for all women? Right? They'd understand?

Yeah. Not so much, I discovered as I grew up. Turns out it's mostly other women who enforce the standards of womanliness, and most men outside very conservative places couldn't care less. And now I'm back to square one, being baffled.

I guess I'm a minority in the topic. >.>
I didn't know when I was a kid. I didn't know right away when I hit puberty. I didn't even realize anything was wrong. I guess the best way to describe my feelings was a "disconnect." You know, now that I think of it, I think I was in denial.
I started wearing more androgynous clothes in 3rd grade, which transitioned into all guys clothes buy middle school. I was bullied relentlessly, often being called a lesbian and, eventually, a "->-bleeped-<-." (Excuse me for the derogatory phrase, they never used the correct terms.) I denied everything they told me, since I most certainly did NOT like girls, and if I was transgendered that would mean I would. That was the denial.
But then in 8th(?) grade, on another forum, I was introduced to a FtM transsexual. I did some research on it, and it clicked. I finally snapped out of my trance and realized gender identity and gender orientation were two completely different things. I accepted that I was a gay FtM.

That was the gist of my story. Of course there was a much deeper and complicated thought process, but then this post would get even longer. I'm a very analytical person and like to think hard about things, so I no doubt have a lot more to say, but I'll spare the details. XD

Quote from: kyril on May 30, 2010, 12:52:05 PMThat obviously doesn't work for the physical dysphoria - I still couldn't grasp why anyone would want to have a female body (who would want to be weak, soft, hormonally volatile, emotionally unstable, and in pain and bleeding 25% of the time?) But it was reasonably successful for explaining the problems I had with women's clothes, shoes, beauty standards, mannerisms, social roles and expectations, relationship roles, and the like. Surely all these things must have been equally uncomfortable and artificial and wrong for all women? Right? They'd understand?

Yeah. Not so much, I discovered as I grew up. Turns out it's mostly other women who enforce the standards of womanliness, and most men outside very conservative places couldn't care less. And now I'm back to square one, being baffled.

I'm with you all the way on this one.  Most of the pressure I've received to conform to a feminine role has come from women.  My role in life growing up (and still today...) was the tomboy who the other girls try to "save" if you will.  They all seem so convinced that my life must be so terrible, so devoid of happiness because I don't wear girly clothes, obsess over makeup and boys, and squeal whenever I see something I like.  They relentlessly give me fashion advice and attempt to give me makeovers in order to make me normal/happy/what have you. 

The only guy who ever gave me problems was one I was (very briefly) employed by.  He basically told me to dress like a harlot and use my sex appeal to sell stuff or he'd fire me.  (I told him to fire me and left.  My blood was boiling over that one for a long time...)  I've never been given grief about it by other guys, though.  I make friends with them easily and am usually readily accepted as "one of the guys," and have actually been asked out by straight guys and told that they like me because I'm "not like other girls."  (I just take this as a compliment to my masculinity.) ;)

I knew something was different from a young age, but I could never put my finger on it. Saw something on transgender on the Discovery channel a long time ago. It made sense to me, but i chose to ignore my feeling s for a long time. I started to do something about 2 years ago.

I blended in very well as a boy, but I wasn't happy. Now I'm awkward as a girl, but at least I'm happier.

Quote from: kyril on May 30, 2010, 12:52:05 PM
That obviously doesn't work for the physical dysphoria - I still couldn't grasp why anyone would want to have a female body (who would want to be weak, soft, hormonally volatile, emotionally unstable, and in pain and bleeding 25% of the time?

This is me being a dork again. But from a purley evolutionary/survival standpoint, why the heck does this even make sense.
Predators smell the blood and assume you're injured.
Being weaker physically (*cleans brain from remembering this*) it's harder to protect yourself from said attack [and the cramps from it don't help]
and..hormonal cycling. WHAT GOD CREATED THIS? How is it logical for someone to be so predictably unpredictable?

Just as far as natural selection goes, female humans shouldn't be alive. They'd be eaten.


Uhh.
back you your regularly scheduled programming.

I knew when I was three or four that I was male - I could see that - but that I should be a girl and that I would be happier as a girl.  It didn't occur to me that others might feel the same way, and it didn't occur to me to try living as a girl (since I was male).  I just thought my healthy little body would correct itself and all that extra stuff would fall off at some point - like how you shed a scab when the skin underneath heals. 

Puberty was a wake-up call, and I realized I was stuck being male and would have to try learning how to be a man.  The word "transsexual" hadn't been invented yet.  But I never thought of myself as a man - only as a male who was something other than a man.

- Kate

Quote from: insanitylives on May 31, 2010, 07:21:47 PMJust as far as natural selection goes, female humans shouldn't be alive. They'd be eaten.

That's why we have you boys to protect us!!! :icon_chick:

Quote from: K8 on May 31, 2010, 08:06:00 PMlike how you shed a scab when the skin underneath heals.

Wow! This is *exactly* what I thought... Ahh, to be so naive again!! :D

Quote from: kyril on May 30, 2010, 12:52:05 PM
The reason I was interested to hear this is that I felt pretty much the same thing in reverse (like Farm Boy) - that nobody could possibly want to be female, that other girls must want to be boys, that all of them are deep down trans and suppressing it.I could have said the same thing but with the word "females" substituted in.

Same here.  I was shocked to find that most female-bodied people liked being female.  I just always assumed the females around me hated it as much as I did.

Quote from: jmaxley on May 31, 2010, 08:39:38 PM
Same here.  I was shocked to find that most female-bodied people liked being female.  I just always assumed the females around me hated it as much as I did.

Lol yes, I thought it was normal. Apparently not, still baffles me that there are those that want to be female/like being female.

Seems a common thread that neither of our genders wanted to be the sex they presented as. Pretty normal feeling really; we just never made the connection until later.

No doubt some good meaning none TG person will completely misinterpret it, as usual. Sorry feeling cynical. ::)

Cindy

Quote from: SilverFang on June 01, 2010, 03:05:00 AM
Lol yes, I thought it was normal. Apparently not, still baffles me that there are those that want to be female/like being female.

did you ever have parents saying stuff along the lines of "it's normal to be uncomfterable with yourself" at like 10-11ish when you tried to complain?

Quote from: insanitylives on June 01, 2010, 06:02:17 AM
did you ever have parents saying stuff along the lines of "it's normal to be uncomfterable with yourself" at like 10-11ish when you tried to complain?

I still get this now :D "everyone hates parts of their body" "yeah i get that you dont like your body...i wish i was thinner/had longer hair/was taller"

and I'm like noooo....it's nothing like that....even if I was the hottest perfectly shaped female on this earth I would still hate it. I'd much rather be a fat balding man than a hot chick.

Quote from: Jeatyn on June 01, 2010, 06:09:59 AM
I still get this now :D "everyone hates parts of their body" "yeah i get that you dont like your body...i wish i was thinner/had longer hair/was taller"

and I'm like noooo....it's nothing like that....even if I was the hottest perfectly shaped female on this earth I would still hate it. I'd much rather be a fat balding man than a hot chick.

Yeah.  When I was first starting transition and going through the phase when we worry so much about passing, I figured I'd be happier as an ugly, old, mannish-looking woman than any kind of man.

- Kate

Quote from: insanitylives on June 01, 2010, 06:02:17 AM
did you ever have parents saying stuff along the lines of "it's normal to be uncomfterable with yourself" at like 10-11ish when you tried to complain?

Yeah, I still get this too.  My mom tells me a lot of females feel uncomfortable with their body.

I feel...disconnected to what most  have been saying. When I started questioning my gender I asked trans people (transsexuals, namely) how they felt and it was always something completely different from my experience. It lead to a lot of doubts which I still have.

Quote from: K8 on June 01, 2010, 08:14:48 AM
I figured I'd be happier as an ugly, old, mannish-looking woman...

Which you are not!!  ;)

Quote from: insanitylives on June 01, 2010, 06:02:17 AM
did you ever have parents saying stuff along the lines of "it's normal to be uncomfterable with yourself" at like 10-11ish when you tried to complain?

I still get this too!  I think it'll be one of my biggest obstacles, getting my family to understand that this is different from thinking my nose is too big or not liking my hair color/eye color, etc. because:

Quote from: Jeatyn on June 01, 2010, 06:09:59 AMeven if I was the hottest perfectly shaped female on this earth I would still hate it.

Actually, if I resembled a 'hot' female actress or singer or what have you, my body shape would be much worse in my eyes than it is right now...

Quote from: insanitylives on June 01, 2010, 06:02:17 AM
did you ever have parents saying stuff along the lines of "it's normal to be uncomfterable with yourself" at like 10-11ish when you tried to complain?

Yep, definitely. Well, I didn't outright complain about being female (I don't know, maybe I was in denial of gender or something.) But when puberty came along, I did not react well. This led to my mom resenting me for a long time (I guess I was pretty upset. Except it wasn't 10/11 more like 13/14.) I guess they knew I was uncomfortable with it.

Quote from: SilverFang on June 02, 2010, 08:12:55 PM
Yep, definitely. Well, I didn't outright complain about being female (I don't know, maybe I was in denial of gender or something.) But when puberty came along, I did not react well. This led to my mom resenting me for a long time (I guess I was pretty upset. Except it wasn't 10/11 more like 13/14.) I guess they knew I was uncomfortable with it.

Puberty for me was more like ...unacknowledged.

Quote from: SilverFang on June 02, 2010, 08:12:55 PM
Yep, definitely. Well, I didn't outright complain about being female (I don't know, maybe I was in denial of gender or something.) But when puberty came along, I did not react well. This led to my mom resenting me for a long time (I guess I was pretty upset. Except it wasn't 10/11 more like 13/14.) I guess they knew I was uncomfortable with it.

I did complain (mouthy little thing LOL!), started complaining about age 10, went into open rebellion by 13. "Resenting" would be too light a term for my mum's reaction - more like knock down drag out shouting matches that constantly had me on the verge of being committed and treated against my will and eventually led to me being disowned. I guess I was stubborn to LOL!  ::)

Quote from: Nygeel on June 01, 2010, 04:04:26 PM
I feel...disconnected to what most  have been saying. When I started questioning my gender I asked trans people (transsexuals, namely) how they felt and it was always something completely different from my experience. It lead to a lot of doubts which I still have.

I have the same problem. Every TG person I have ever talked seems like they had a feeling they were wrong from the very beginning, but I never had that problem. For me, I was never really uncomfortable with myself. I didn't know until I researched it that it fit me.
It used to bother me and give me doubts, but I know who I am, and I'm not going to let other people's experiences influence my thought process. Everyone's different, so as long as you know what you need, no one else's experiences matter. I really hope one day you can kick those doubts out of your mind. It's so much more liberating that way. :3

Quote from: Espenoah on June 03, 2010, 05:00:58 PM
I didn't know until I researched it that it fit me.

Why did you research it?

I wouldn't say that it was a driving obsession for me at an early age and like lots of people have said, I thought that all boys wanted to be girls really they just didn't talk about it because we were boys. I think that it was a bit later that it started to get uncomfortable, but there was still a lot of denial.

I have a memory of playing with two little girls when I was about six.  I was wearing the apron and serving the tea when their father came into the room.  His look was very disapproving and my sister appeared right after and took me home.  I didn't understand why exactly, but I remember a very distinct sense of "difference" in myself and shame and a feeling that I had done something wrong.  I think that was the first time I realized that I had to hide that difference away.

I found a book about it in the library at high-school age and suddenly it all clicked with how I had always felt.

Quote from: MillieB on June 03, 2010, 05:26:46 PM
Why did you research it?

I'm a very analytical person. I like to educate myself about topics I know little about, and when I became friends with an FtM on a different forum, I wanted to learn more about how he was feeling. It intrigued me, and when I learned more about it, I discovered it was intriguing because it fit me. I was in denial about it because I was bullied a lot for being butch [and still am bullied, I hate being in high school], and I liked to hide my feelings, even from myself, so it took educating myself to finally realize it.

But just because I was never had uncomfortable feeling doesn't mean I'm not trans. I was obsessed with being a role model, the perfect being, so I often fooled myself into thinking I was happy with my body when I wasn't. But now that I've opened my eyes, I know it's the path I have to take, and no one else's experiences are going to persuade me otherwise.

Quote from: Espenoah on June 03, 2010, 05:40:11 PM
I often fooled myself into thinking I was happy with my body when I wasn't.

I did that for decades, and it works until you finally realize your body really isn't right and there is something you can do about it.

- Kate

Quote from: Espenoah on June 03, 2010, 05:00:58 PM
I have the same problem. Every TG person I have ever talked seems like they had a feeling they were wrong from the very beginning, but I never had that problem. For me, I was never really uncomfortable with myself. I didn't know until I researched it that it fit me.
It used to bother me and give me doubts, but I know who I am, and I'm not going to let other people's experiences influence my thought process. Everyone's different, so as long as you know what you need, no one else's experiences matter. I really hope one day you can kick those doubts out of your mind. It's so much more liberating that way. :3

For some reason I never got an e-mail saying that there were new posts...oh well.

I had more of a feeling of being masculine and not equating it with being male...seeing those as two different things. I was a female that could wear boy's clothing all the time without question. I was allowed to object to playing on all girl's teams.

I guess I fit the cliche, because I did know when I was five. I played with girl toys and didn't know I was any different till the first day of school. I was confused why I didn't own a dress like the other girls. When the teacher yelled at me to get into line, everyone started laughing because I had stepped in the girl's line.

My parents kept treating it as a phase. Someone had mentioned earlier,how parents say something to the like that everyone feels uncomfortable with themselves sometimes. I got a similar reaction when I tried to tell my mom at 11. I told her that I wanted to be a girl, I would be happier and people would treat me better. 

Of course, I would be happier and treated better if I could be myself, but she took it as me just being unhappy for being lonely and being picked on all the time for acting girly. -_- And when I told my parents when I was older they still insist that there were no signs... I never built up a male facade.

Quote from: Jasmine.m on May 27, 2010, 08:41:28 PM
I suppose I could say that I've always known that I wasn't quite the right gender. For as long as I can remember, there's been these parts of me that were inexplicably wrong. One example that comes to mind is going shirtless around the neighborhood or while swimming. While the other little boys seemed more then happy to get out of their shirts to run around in the sun or water, I have *always* hated taking mine off. In fact, I still do to this day. I used to get teased about it so much...

I mentioned this to a FTM boy and he said he was the exact opposite!

So I wonder what experiences others may have had?

And I was the exact opposite of u too. I loved running around with my shirt off and I'd swim with my shirt off. But then I got boobs and i had to stop. Haha.

I've always know since I was around 3 or 4 years old that I wanted to be a boy, that I wished I was born a boy. But the way I was brought up and the environment that I grew up in made me live as a female physically. Mentally, I still am a male and I still act like a regular male my age would.

I didnt really got teased for having interests in boys stuff, in fact, boys enjoyed hanging out with me and said that I was cool for being who I am.

I can't say I knew as a kid because I had no idea about genders.  I was never raised with "girls can only do this" and "boys can only do this".  There was just "do whatever makes you happy", and I enjoyed a wide variety of "feminine" and "masculine" things.  I enjoyed getting dirty, but I loved being clean and 'proper' (heh, 'proper' xD) and all "girly".  I had no issue wrestling the guys or playing make-believe.  I guess the first time I started to think about it was when I started to play the guy in make-believe, but it was only half-hearted because I never got the whole "gender role" thing.

I love to run around my shirt off, but it's not permissible if you've got a set of breasts.  I have always had an issue with a lot of things that I couldn't do because I have breasts. 

I distinctly remember at age five having the recurring dream of wearing a white and pink party dress and a very pretty pair of shoes. When I woke from the dream I was very dissapointed to find it was not real. That was when I first became conscious of my transsexuallity. It just intensified as I grew older.

Quote from: Janis on June 23, 2010, 04:59:27 PM
I distinctly remember at age five having the recurring dream of wearing a white and pink party dress and a very pretty pair of shoes. When I woke from the dream I was very dissapointed to find it was not real. That was when I first became conscious of my transsexuallity. It just intensified as I grew older.

Thats the way I felt, from about 4years age, and my favorite color was pink, never got to wear pink till I was 16, thats when I started transition, I just wanted to be a girl, really hated being a guy, just felt happy and comfortable being a girl, wearing dresses, being feminine, just being girly and living my life as a woman.

p

Quote from: Shang on June 23, 2010, 11:05:07 AM
I have always had an issue with a lot of things that I couldn't do because I have breasts.

Me too. I hate my breasts. It's like a barrier for me to do things i want. =\

I didn't really know when I was child, but it was definitely there. I actually had a pretty strange view of gender as a child. My view of gender was that there were not two, but four main genders: man, woman, boy, and girl. I saw boys and girls as being separate genders from men and women, because the gender roles for children are quite different than those for adults. I was in fact very happy with being a "boy". Ever since I was little I was very intellectual and interested in science, and since interest in science is deemed as being "boyish", I fit very well into the "boy" gender role. Even though I fit very well into the "boy" gender role, whenever I saw my mother doing her hair and make-up, I always thought about how nice it would be if I could grow up to be a beautiful woman like her. I never really felt comfortable with the thought of me growing up into a man. But since I was a child and it felt like I was never going to grow up, I didn't really think about it all too much. I remember once asking my mother why it is that she can grow out her hair and nails long but I couldn't. She said, "It's because you're a boy, and boys don't do that." I thought it was extremely unfair that I should be limited in expressing myself just because of the fact that I was a "boy". As I approached adolescence, what was expected of me in terms of gender roles changed. I was no longer seen as a sweet, imaginative, intellectually curious boy, but as an aggressive, id-ridden, insensitive, horny teenage male. Needless to say, that did not sit well with me. I kept it repressed and I actually over-compensated in some ways by trying to appear macho. I thought that my desire to want to grow up into a beautiful woman was a result of my attraction to women. Eventually I found out that being attracted to women does not produce the desire to adopt a woman's gender role, and that I am in fact transgendered.

Ive tried countless times to recall when it all started but I just cant pin anything on childhood. I know I felt somehow different all through primary school but nothing bad really. When I found it was due to gender was probably sometime around the start of puberty, 11 or 12.
It always bugged me that I couldnt find any gender issues in my childhood because I felt for a long time that devalued my being trans. It always makes me feel better when I read how others had the feelings develop around their teens.

I wanted to grow up and have babies   :(
Still do  :(

I could not remember very far back. I blocked out so much of my childhood from being beat from step dads. I was 7 when I found out the difference between a boy and a girl. It devastated me and I became more withdrawn from everyone a loner. At the age of 13 my grandma was talking about her new husband's brother that came to visit them who had a sex change. my ears perked up when I heard that it was the first time that I knew something could be done about the way I felt.

Quote from: TheAetherealMeadow on June 24, 2010, 01:36:42 AM
I didn't really know when I was child, but it was definitely there. I actually had a pretty strange view of gender as a child. My view of gender was that there were not two, but four main genders: man, woman, boy, and girl.

I didn't know that boys were men and girls were women until around 7. Up till that point I thought we could choose if we wanted to be a mommy or daddy when puberty started. (talk about naive eh?)

I never consciously thought, "But I'm a boy! This is wrong!" when I was young. I knew that I didn't think like other girls, have interests similar to other girls, feel like a girl, or even enjoy the company of other girls. But none of that occurred to me until I hit puberty and the differences between boys and girls became significantly more evident. The thought of being transgendered hadn't even occurred to me until I was in high school, but a lot of that had to do with growing up very conservatively and never having heard of the phenomenon of people being born in the wrong body.

Quote from: Virginia Marie on May 27, 2010, 08:52:52 PM
Yes, I totally knew from childhood

I wanted girl clothes like my sisters, I wanted to be a Brownie and then a girl scout, I thought it was horrendous to make me take my top off in public... Even worse, having to shower with guys  :P

The list goes on and on of guy stuff I didn't want to be bothered with

My childhood was the same. I wanted Barbie not GI Joe or anything else really. They boys things were not interesting, still aren't really, and the clothes are so drab and dull. Give me a pretty dress (or skirt and blouse) and heels any day!!!!!

Well, it's kinda complicated for me.

As a little kid, I always felt there was something different (almost with a bad connotation) about me; something that made me alone among the crowd of kids. But, having said that, I did play with girl's toys as a kid and stuff like that. Looking back now, I see many signs that would say I might end up being trans, but most of them were not witnessed by other people (i.e. unspoken thoughts/feelings).

When my boobs started growing (about age 9 for me), I never really liked showing them off; and I wasn't excited about them growing like other girls my age (of course they were jealous because I got them before every other girl in my grade). However, I didn't really dislike them; I was just indifferent.

When I got my period (age 10), I wanted to cry, and I slowly started to realize that I hated it all. This was all before I knew that trans people existed. So, one day, I broke down from the feelings and searched for help on the internet. That's how I found these forums, and I've been a member ever since then.

I wish I had known earlier; because now I'm still terrified that it's a phase or something, even though it's been a few years. Most of my phases last half a year at most, so chances are it's not a phase, but I'm still terrified.  :-\

For a long time I thought my story was so weird that maybe I wasn't TS after all. It bugged me for a long time.....but nowadays I have seen that more than a few share a similar story as mine.

I grew up trying to be the man everyone expected me to be. I knew something was wrong and I HATED pictures and the mirror....always something seemed to look wrong but I never knew what exactly. There were events in my childhood that pointed to the problem but as soon as they came, I buried them. It was like my subconscious was protecting me....as if it knew what the reality of who I am would do to my life.

Well after being married 5 yrs and 5 yrs out of college, things kind of hit me and after some months of struggling with it and a suicide attempt, I knew I had to transition.

Anyways, did I know as a kid? Not really. Unless my subconscious counts

Yes I've always wanted to be/felt like I was a female. I'd always steal my sisters dresses to wear and I'd tie towels around my head to pretend I had hair. When playing video games I'd always go with the female characters. Everything that is feminine is how I feel pretty much. =/

Between the ages of 4 - 6 i knew something was not right, it was when i was in my teens in the 60's that i saw something on the news that the light finally went off.

Paula

From at least what I can remember, it was around 10-12 years of age before I felt that something wasn't right with me. I stole my mother's clothes at that age, and my "cross dressing" began. My parents waved it off as just being a phase, catching me a few times. I stopped for most of my teen years though, just keeping my thoughts in the back of my head until I went off to college, started therapy, RLE, and HRT with the financial support of my grandmother, god bless her soul.

Quote from: Dana Lane on May 28, 2010, 05:32:07 PM
I knew something was wrong most of my life but had no idea what it was. I finally figured it out a little over a year ago then all the pieces fell in place.

Likewise, I always knew something wasn't quite right.. As a young child most of my friends were girls and I was perfectly happy doing girl activities.. As I got older I was trying harder and harder to be a boy.. Puberty was an interesting time, with me dabbling in dressing as a girl until I got caught, which killed any further experiments. I got to 18 and assumed, due to the fact I was attracted to men, that I was gay.. That wasn't right either.. Don't quite relate to gay men..

It's only as an adult, over the last few months that I have finally come to the realisation that I'm not a man..

Certainly before I started school.

Caroline

I can relate to what Espenoah and Nygeel say. I certainly didn't know. Still don't, actually. For every "I am", I dig up another "but still". Drives me up the wall.

While my parents didn't explicitly force me into the female gender role, they also were in no hurry to sign me up for a football team. Also, I grew up REALLY sheltered. There were hardly any other kids around, and I had no idea about gender, anatomical differences and stuff for the longest time. I had a rough time trying to keep up with boys, and girl games seemed boring and vaguely annoying. So I stuck to reading Mark Twain and Jules Verne and acting out the plots with clay figurines, the like. My body didn't enter the picture much, even during puberty, and whether it means that I didn't mind it, or that it was an elaborate coping strategy, I cannot tell to this very bloody day.

Heh. If that old chap with a bike who told me "Watch out, young man, coming through!" three years ago only knew what that's done to my head, he'd probably laugh his balls off.

And Kyril - I got called Martian as well.

I can't say I knew I was trans, I only knew I was different. As a young child I did usual boy things, yet I was very feminine and liked to wear mommy's shoes and also enjoyed some TV shows meant for girls. It wasn't until puberty when I realised what was so different about me, I'm a girl. I was able to repress my girl feelings (several times) but they always came back, and they grew stronger and stronger each time.

I think I always knew that I felt I was a man inside, but I always kind of brushed it off. Since before I can remember I've always felt like a man, I don't think there was a single second in my life where I've felt like a woman.
I always thought that I just was ugly, and there's nothing I can do about that unless I want to get plastic surgery on my face to make me pretty, and I was fairly sure that was never going to happen. So I just kind of ignored it, I knew I was never happy with my body, or with my face but I didn't know exactly why, I just always thought I was ugly. And because of this I feel like I've lost a good 15 or more years of my life simply because I ignored myself, and ignored all of my experiences of growing up as a female. And it's funny because I have known of transsexuality for a few years, but I never thought that would be me, I never thought that in a million years. But with admitting to myself what I am, came this feeling of myself feeling real, something I've never felt before.

This probably sounds stupid and was a bit long but that's basically how I feel, and it's kind of a great feeling!  :)

It's hard for me to say if I knew as a child or not because I spent a large part of my early childhood believing I was a dog. See, around the age of 3, where a majority of my first memories are, I was convinced I was a dog named Lucky. But I wasn't just any dog named Lucky - I was Lucky from Disney's 101 Dalmatians, who if my memory serves me right, was a male doggy! I had no interest in being any of the other dogs from there, I just wanted to be Lucky. xD So I guess that was my first experience in wanting to be male? I dunno if it counts though since I also believed I was a dog. o.O

My aunt told me when I was older, but still a fairly young child, I'd just point to random guys on the street and be like, "I wanna be like him when I grow up!" Apparently it didn't matter if they looked like bums or rich business men. I just wanted to "be like them". Then I'd also do the same thing to male cartoon characters, only I'd say stuff like, "I wish I where him!"

As far as anatomical differences go, I was really naive to all of that stuff. My parents kinda sheltered me from that stuff I guess. But I vaguely remember walking in on my dad getting dressed, and wondering to myself when mine would grow. xD I also thought on my 7th birthday, I'd wake up a boy.

My first feelings of actual dysphoria didn't come until I was 9, right around when I started puberty. My mom decided it was time for me to wear bras, and did I ever resent those! The first time I wore one after about a month or so of daily arguing, I was so upset I started throwing up. Then a few months later, also at 9. I got my first period, and it just devastated me to the point I didn't know how to react. In fact, I don't remember if I had a reaction at all. I just remember thinking I was some diseased child. And from my mother's descriptions and attempts to make me feel better, I knew I would never be a boy. After all, I wasn't. Who was I kidding. I went into deep denial and did everything I could to validate myself as a girl. Was I ever miserable!

So all that aside, I would say it was half and half. I honestly didn't know trans people existed until I was around 12, and by then I was in such denial and so sucked into validating myself as a female that it didn't cross my mind until years later.

I'm a person who's sort of afraid of sudden change, that's why looking back I remember so many isolated incidents since early childhood that I just repressed or were just too subconscious or ephemeral, and of course I think I'm a bit of a dummy and it takes me time to make connections.

I knew from a young age that I was born male, the people around me made sure I knew. Yet not once I felt or wanted to grow up to be a man, and all is associated with that just seemed repulsive and inappropriate to me, something was not clicking, all of which explains so much stuff from 12 years old and on that I again was too blind to see and know what's happening.

It was gradual at first, then gratefully a bolt of realization hit me, and yes it gave me super powers that I did not know I had...

I remember, starting around the age of 3 or 4, I would get mad because my boy cousins could go swimming in just shorts and my parents would put me in a full bathingsuit, I felt I should be able to just wear shorts (not saying that could be a big indicator) but then by the age of 5 I remember clearly, praying and crying to god to let me wake up a boy. It would frustrate me so much. I always had boys for friends and always wished I were just as like them on the outside as I was on the inside. It definitely hit me more once puberty hit, the praying and crying continued untill I gave up, realizing it wasn't gonna happen.

I remember playing pretend with other kids around 5-6.  Whether we were pirates or animals or Pokemon trainers, I always pretended to be a boy.  I didn't really think about why, and while I had no interest in dolls or dresses I didn't feel like I hated being a girl at the time.  As long as I didn't have to act like one, I didn't care.

Although, I do recall trying and failing several times to pee standing up.

Starting around age 12-13 I occasionally would wonder if I should have been born male, but these feelings would usually pass quickly.  I've always loved to draw cartoons, and around this time I started drawing myself with a flat chest.  At the time I didn't have any reason for doing it other than I liked it.  I don't remember being too distressed by puberty itself, though.  Periods suck yes, but does any girl like them?

It wasn't until 18 that I started being honest with myself. :p

I remember one kid told me that only girls crossed their legs the way I was crossing them. I uncrossed them, but from then on, whenever I'd thought I could get away with it I would intentionally cross them under tables and stuff.

Oh I knew from an earily age,  Got in trouble at age 5 for playing way too much with the next door girls dolls.  Being the 1960's in Georgia, well things were not going to change anytime soon back then. 

Beni

As Dee_pntx said
All the beatings for wearing girl clothes and playing with girl toys, all the friend bans, were all for naught.  They just couldn't beat the girl out of me.

Why don't people realise, being us is not a choice ::)

Cindy

Quote from: Dee_pntx on August 01, 2010, 08:28:10 AM

All the beatings for wearing girl clothes and playing with girl toys, all the friend bans, were all for naught.  They just couldn't beat the girl out of me.

I know this is so common but I don't understand why people feel the need to make sure boys do not play with dolls or anything remotely girly.  Do they not want to encourage their sons to be nurturing?  Most boys will grow up to be dads some day.  Men cook, men take care of kids.  But still, it's so frowned upon that boys play house or with dolls or heck even kitchen sets!

Most kids are not trans, most are not even gay.  Most will play and grow up and be heteronormative.  Allowing experimenting and play does NOT make one trans or gay.  Drives me crazy that people won't let their kids, primarily sons, play with anything remotely 'girly'.

Jay

Quote from: Jerica on June 29, 2010, 03:31:02 PM
For a long time I thought my story was so weird that maybe I wasn't TS after all. It bugged me for a long time.....but nowadays I have seen that more than a few share a similar story as mine.

I grew up trying to be the man everyone expected me to be. I knew something was wrong and I HATED pictures and the mirror....always something seemed to look wrong but I never knew what exactly. There were events in my childhood that pointed to the problem but as soon as they came, I buried them. It was like my subconscious was protecting me....as if it knew what the reality of who I am would do to my life.

Well after being married 5 yrs and 5 yrs out of college, things kind of hit me and after some months of struggling with it and a suicide attempt, I knew I had to transition.

Anyways, did I know as a kid? Not really. Unless my subconscious counts

This would be my answer.. basically I fought the need to transition and denied I was transsexual until it was going to destroy me..

Quote from: sneakersjay on August 02, 2010, 08:52:59 AM
I know this is so common but I don't understand why people feel the need to make sure boys do not play with dolls or anything remotely girly.  Do they not want to encourage their sons to be nurturing?  Most boys will grow up to be dads some day.  Men cook, men take care of kids.  But still, it's so frowned upon that boys play house or with dolls or heck even kitchen sets!

Most kids are not trans, most are not even gay.  Most will play and grow up and be heteronormative.  Allowing experimenting and play does NOT make one trans or gay.  Drives me crazy that people won't let their kids, primarily sons, play with anything remotely 'girly'.

Jay

The families that do this are the ones that scorn and devalue women and everything associated with women. They consider it shameful for a boy - especially their son - to be associated with feminine things or activities.

Their views on daughters differ - some think that girls just aren't good/worthy enough to play with boys or do boy things, but others see tomboyishness and masculinity in little girls as a good trait. Usually the tolerance for that dies out around puberty, though.

When I was about 5, my parents decided to take away all of my clothes and toys because they were "too masculine", and replace them with "more gender-appropriate" clothes and toys.  My dad's a psychologist.  He was afraid that if I was allowed to be too tomboyish, I might grow up to be a lesbian.  My parents had gay and lesbian friends, knew that not being heterosexual made life harder for people, didn't want me to face the kinds of discrimination gay people had to deal with, and thought they could actually control what my sexual orientation would be by controlling my gender expression. 

I shared that story because it's probably a bit different . . .

Anyway, I had a strong male gender identity before my parents started doing all they could to get me to be more feminine.  I thought I was a boy who had been mistaken for a girl.  I hated it when anyone used female pronouns in reference to me.  I thought of myself in terms of male pronouns. 

I also had typical boy interests, and would throw a fit whenever I had to wear a dress.  But I think the fact that I literally thought I was a boy when I was too young to know any better makes it pretty obvious.

When I was young, I remember going around topless quite a bit. It just felt right to me, well until puberty hit and I became to ashamed of what was growing on my chest to let anyone see them.

Come to think of it, I never imagined myself growing up into a woman. I somehow thought that I wouldn't turn into a woman and would never grow boobs or get periods. It happened though, and at a rather young age if I remember correctly. I think I was the first one in my class. Even then, I still think I may have believed it would all just go away. I still could not think of myself as a woman. Still don't.

I was the youngest in my class to hit puberty...the chest appendages started growing in when I was nine and the Red Death visited for the first time when I was ten.  When I was ten, my mom started insisting that I wear a bra and I argued and argued with her about it.  Then she pointed out how noticeable the new appendages were without a bra and, well, that got me to wear one. 

Quote from: Adam on August 06, 2010, 10:01:16 PM
When I was young, I remember going around topless quite a bit. It just felt right to me, well until puberty hit and I became to ashamed of what was growing on my chest to let anyone see them.

Come to think of it, I never imagined myself growing up into a woman. I somehow thought that I wouldn't turn into a woman and would never grow boobs or get periods. It happened though, and at a rather young age if I remember correctly. I think I was the first one in my class. Even then, I still think I may have believed it would all just go away. I still could not think of myself as a woman. Still don't.

Basically the same but opposite. I almost/did have a concept that we chose our bodies when we hit puberty. That was what puberty was about. OK now I turn into a girl. I even asked my Mum what size breasts I would develop.

Cindy

For myself I was an only child and gender differences weren't a big issue in our house. Like a number of people here I became much more aware of transgendered feelings when I was around 10-12. Looking back at my childhood from a TG perspective there are an awful lot of things that start to make sense :)

It seems that people on this forum divide into:

A. Knew from infancy with greater or lesser clarity
B. Sense of something "not right" which crystallised aged 10-12 (at the start of adolescence)
C. Late Flowerers :)

Do you guys think that is a fair assessment?

Though I do accept that categorising people is overlysimplistic and has a tendency to limit what it seeks to define (after all it's what psychiatric associations and governments have done to us for years)

I have actually realised that the first clue came when I was 10 years old. I can remember being in the back seat of the car when I was dragged along to the Drive-In to see 'Cleopatra', with Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton.

If I had been able to put words to it I would have said that Cleopatra was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, and I wanted to look like her. Instead I had to spend years trying to work out what was going on in my head.

Until I figured out sex at around 7 I was pretty sure we got to choose wheather we would be women or men at puberty.
I actually thought we had choice we had to make at puberty.
I became the evil child after I figured it out. I was bitter about it. Then around 9 I heard the word transsexual.....

No, I don't think I did. I can't remember most of my childhood so I can't say how I did or didn't feel. Yep, I'm 20 and I can't remember how I felt!

I do know that "feelings" started to form during puberty, though. I know that I've, on various occasions, wanted to break through the skin between my legs in the hopes that something was there. I've felt that my hips (and perhaps buttocks) are more feminine, I feel like I've got "breasts" (Moobs that are a bit too breast-like  ::) ) and there's been a few other clues.

But as a child? I can't say with certainty.

My earliest memory was sometime between Head Start and first grade (I don't have much memory of anything or a coherent sense of time before second grade), the teacher was trying to teach the words male and female I think. She asked all the females to stand up first, so all the girls stood up, but so did I. When she told me specifically to sit down, I was confused and worried I did something wrong. Then she told all the females to sit down and the males to stand up. All the boys stood up. And with a look that makes me feel like a retard even today, and a voice filled with frustration, she told me specifically to stand up. A sudden realization hit me and I cried.

Another time I wet myself during naptime and the teacher (not the same as the previous story) had a spare pair of purple girls underwear. I remember wondering why they were so much nicer than all the underwear my mom bought me, but I didn't think too hard on it. My mom freaked out over it when she found out later at home. She threw them away and made me wear the bland stuff she bought me. I think this is before I understood the difference between boys and girls, so I didn't understand why she was mad at me.

Another time I remember was at Christmas, my grandma bought all three of us baby dolls. I opened up the box and as soon as I saw it, I was horrified. I thought "But boys aren't supposed to play with dolls! They're going to hurt me if I get caught playing with this." I remember looking at my parents trying to figure out what they thought about it, to see if they were mad at me. It never did figure out that the kitchen set wasn't for boys either.

I was always sad that the other girls wouldn't have anything to do with me when we played at school. The schools counselor wherever I went usually had to pair me up with other boys in class because they were so worried about me lurking in the shadows alone. In the 6th grade I hurt every part of my body trying to make friends at lunch, because everyone else was playing soccer. After that failure I just went back to finding some secluded shadows to sulk in.

Most of the time I wouldn't let myself think about it. A few times I had a dream where I was a real girl, and I would be so happy until I wake up. I fell into a few minor depressions like that, trying so hard to think about something else. I couldn't be a girl, it just wasn't possible.

My mom took me to the doctors who diagnosed me with Bipolar disorder the year before, their reasoning was my "high" moods and "low" moods, and the fact that I would usually break into tears "at the drop of a hat". I saw a therapist for about a month, but since I had no idea how to articulate what was wrong with me without sounding insane, I never really talked to him. I was on this drug called Depakote for a few years. I hated it, nothing ever felt right and I was just going through life on autopilot. I stopped taking it once in the 5th grade (I think) and suffered horribly for it. I eventually figured out how to ween myself off of it sometime in the 6th grade.

My biggest depression was in the 7th grade when I got my first computer made from dated parts that my dad replaced with his constant upgrades. I had got onto the internet completely unrestricted. I came across pictures of girls doing things I knew no boy could ever get away with. Cute things, girly things, things I so desperately wished I didn't have to specifically avoid doing by accident. I was in bed fantasizing about the life I should have had, and crying for the rest of the month. If I had just Google'd "I want to be a girl" then, I could have saved myself from that, asked for a therapist who specialized in gender stuff, I may even have been able to go through high school as a girl. Instead I chose to repress it again, put it out of my mind because it's impossible.

It wasn't until my sophomore year I had my first awakening. It was already too late to see a therapist. I wasn't covered on health insurance anymore, we lived in Kentucky and the school's counselor and my mom both agree'd the kids at school would give me trouble if I showed up as a girl. I had to wait until I was 18 and could do stuff for myself.
18 came and went, high school was over, and suddenly my mom's signing me up for college at the place she works. No way could I embarrass her at her own job like that.

So here I sit with a degree that still can't find me a job, no money, no progress beyond my long hair, once again feeling the debilitating dysphoria. Still living with my parents because I couldn't manage a job and still get straight A's in college.
Now I need to find a therapist on my own and hope I get lucky with no money. And I just hope I can get on HRT without having to go full time first. My parent's will never notice, and I don't have to fear being kicked out on my own before I've found a job.



I think I got carried away here...

Yeah, I guess I did "know" as a child. I wish that I understood instead.

When family and such treated me as a girl when I was a baby, I just assumed they had gotten it wrong somehow. When I imagined myself as an adult, I was a man, and I just assumed that's how it would go. I didn't really understand anatomy and all of that, yet. Once I did, though, I just assumed that I would deal with it-I had gone that long acting as male, I would just continue to do it.

It was when I hit puberty that I realised I would actually have to change my body to be in sync with my gender.

QuoteIf I had just Google'd "I want to be a girl" then, I could have saved myself from that, asked for a therapist who specialized in gender stuff, I may even have been able to go through high school as a girl.

This is pretty much exactly what I searched for at age 11 or 12: "want to be a boy." It helped a little bit, in that I knew I wasn't alone, but it didn't help as much as you'd think - the sites I found at the time had dated/bad information.

I can't be sure, but whole life I've had problems to fit in "male groups".  I'm totally external and most of the time I'm acting a male role  :-\ :-\

But if I'm the only man in female group, I'm relaxed and I don't need to act anything.
This situation is kind of frustrating.

But whole life I've felt like I'm an alien... So I'm just me, not male or female, but it's easier to pass as male  ??? ???

I totally knew from the moment of my earliest memories.

I vaguely knew something was wrong as a child, but not even that it was gender related.  I have always been dull and thickheaded about figuring out new things about myself or the world; I have to hear about or read about something before the idea will even occur to me, I can't just think of my own feelings and figure it out.  Well, not for everything, just some things.  I had the same problem with sexual orientation before then; I knew about gay guys, but not lesbians until sixth grade, so since I was a "girl," I had to like boys, and I didn't recognize my crush on Wendy for what it was.  Likewise, I never figured out why I was depressed my whole life (there WERE/are other reasons for that) and why I hated being seperated into the girls' group.  Part of this was also probably me being really effeminate and my parents not having much in the way of gender expectations for me.  I did figure out it was gender related on my own eventually, and then I learned about transsexualism and shortly after that it was clear.

Quote from: cynthialee on August 07, 2010, 08:27:04 AMUntil I figured out sex at around 7 I was pretty sure we got to choose wheather we would be women or men at puberty.

I grew up in farm country so I knew what sex was all about right from the beginning. In childhood I was certain I was a girl and I had perfect faith that puberty would put things right and that the adults would see that they were wrong and I was right. When puberty DIDN'T work right I became a whole lot more obnoxious about being a girl and pushing the issue, constantly skating a fine line at the edge of being committed to an institution as a "nut".

Puberty was a h@ll of a traumatic time for me and very confusing. Due to some hormonal abnormalities, I had some female development and some male. The female was very affirming and the male made me frigging NUTS!

I knew I wanted to be a girl since 5. In my early school days I was nearly always playing with the girls.

I didn't know until late in life, actually. I always knew there was something wrong. I felt totally out of place my entire life. Maybe I was just totally naive. After not having a serious relationship for 25 years I decided to find out what was wrong. Why my twin brother was always in a relationship and I wasn't. My family secretly thought I was gay. I sure fooled them! I'm bi, actually. :-) I lived my life as a straight male and when I finally connected the dots I realized I needed to reevaluate my sexuality. I tore it down completely and then let it come out on it's own. I used to be a bit homophobic (only if something invaded my personal space) and think that was a defense mechanism.

All I know is now I am truly happy. Sometimes so happy and comfortable in my own skin I feel giddy and will dance around my apartment.

Can't say I did. I won't say I was a normal child, I was...quiet, from what I'm told. I can't remember my childhood too well, just bits and pieces, but from what I'm told by parents is I liked to play by myself, and did odd little things. No real gender issues as far as I know.

It's what's gnawing at me, because everyone struggles so much, and since they could walk and talk they've been trying to be who they were meant to be. Not me. I do a some pretending online, someone suggests I might be trans, and we discuss and I'm like "I think you might be right."

Quote from: lauraspeirs81 on August 07, 2010, 02:58:52 AM
It seems that people on this forum divide into:

A. Knew from infancy with greater or lesser clarity
B. Sense of something "not right" which crystallised aged 10-12 (at the start of adolescence)
C. Late Flowerers :)

Do you guys think that is a fair assessment?

Yup, that seems pretty accurate. Nice job.  :)

I feel better knowing that I'm not the only one naive to my own feelings.  ::) I still can't figure out my feelings, because I'm a logical kind of person. I don't like dealing with emotions and things like that, so I guess I just didn't understand my feelings of not being like everyone else early on because I didn't think about it in an emotional way.  ???

Quote from: cynthialee on May 27, 2010, 09:59:41 PM
Yes. Age 9 I knew for a fact. Before the fateful day I learned the word transsexual I didn't know what was wrong with me I just knew I was very odd, but as soon as I saw my first talk show on transwomen it clicked and I knew without any doubt. (just took me 32 years to do something about it.)
Yes I played with girl toys preferably and prefered girls to boys at all times but alowing myself to think I might be a girl was not going to happen until I had the vocabulary for it.

I can completely relate to this.  Though,  for me it was a book about Christine Jorgensen that I happened to read when I was about 12.  Wasn't my type of book, not sure where or even why I had it at the time, but I read it front to back and that was when I realized what was going on with me.  Before that book I never really thought much about why I played more with girls, felt more comfortable around them then the boys, etc...

But, having an ex-marine as a father, and the years being mid to late 70's, and him being a full-blown, abusive alcoholic with unrealistic goals for his first born son, I was doomed.  So, here I am 34 years later just beginning down a path I should have ventured many, many years before.

(Anyone remember the Wonder Woman show from the 70's?  I wanted to 'be' her.  Not a normal thought/desire for a young boy, I am sure...)

Have a great day.

Linda Carter as Wonder Woman was the woman that awoke my sexual interest in females. As an object of my youthful fantasy she started my confussion. I wanted to be female but here I was lusting females. I didnt understand sex and gender at all back then. It didn't even occur to me that trans women could be lesbian until I saw the movie 'Better than Chocolate' about 7 years ago. (required viewing in the circle of lesbians I was hanging with at the time) One of the characters is a lesbian trans woman. Then I had an oh duh moment. Still took me a number of years to transition. lol (I am dense and mule headed.)

When I was in kindergarten, I used to pretend that I were male characters from shows and such, for instance, Lucky Luke, Mowgli from the Junge Book (I used to run around shirtless with a pair of red shorts on, thusly mimicking the Disney Mowgli), and Buzz Lightyear. My "idol" was Joan of Arc, and I LOVED pretending to be a knight along with the boys when the girls were playing with dolls.

I used to get mad at people when I couldn't take my shirt off in the summer heat, and I felt odd when people called me a girl (as in, "Hey, that girl's climbed really far up in that tree!") but happy when I was with boys, or sorted into the boys' team during gym class, etc. I had long hair during that time (approx. 6/7 to 10 years old), and I disliked it. My mother always put it in these tight braids, it got tangled in stuff, it was hot during the summer, etc. I remember looking at my male friends' hair and wanting to have short, practical hair, like them.

Puberty was awful, well, when the body started developing at age 12 or so. I remember how much I hated it, and how disappointed and sad I got when I realized that I couldn't turn back into my original self, but had to walk around with bizarre flesh-growths for all my life.

I'm not sure if I am FtM or even trans at all. I think that I'm FtWTF (Female to What The Frack).

Of course I knew it as a child. From my early childhood I never considered myself a male. Strangely not female either in the sense of anyone in my locality though. I was completely withdrawn from what was supposed to be my primary language and culture. Instead relate closely to westerners, for the choice of language (english) and dress code. Probably this desire to be somewhat different arose from my insecurity. At the beginning many relatives commented that, as a child I'm growing up to be quite an aristocratic person (their way of saying "kind of foreign" and "very modern" ~_~). They meant it as a compliment though.

Yet, as I grew up I felt the need to put a fake mask in front of my family all the while quite sad and depressed deep inside on why I was not given a choice. This began when I was but three years old. I remember things from my third year very well. At first I tried to convince myself that this was just a phase, but it really wasn't. At the age of five I found myself researching about it in the internet. Apparently I didn't believe what I was going through is a disorder but rather the lack of choice. A birth defect. We all are genderless and more female during our initial development in the womb after all... (what is it called a zygote->embryo?) In my case some strange influences intervened and changed those initial development.

By the age of 10 I understood that I indeed am a girl, and may be no way to change that. Checked out transgender topics and eventually got scared off by the ineffective results (I probably looked at just CD pictures... but did I know that? >.<).. and gave up on life. I became introverted, unbelievably shy, and somewhat ashamed. I knew who I really was, yet during school and high-school I was placed in a class of 40+ male students. A co-ed school for sure, but different classrooms for boys and girls. What happened? I shut down by brain, which I thought for good. I moved slow, hardly responded, never got up or go out in between class. Not even a shred of a smile came to my lips since the age of 10.

Everyone thought there was something wrong, but mother was very protective of me. She went in and out every day out of school speaking to teachers and principals, and thew any and all influence she had to help me out. There was one thing everyone really liked about me, I studied. I scored never a less than a 90% in every subject consecutively every year. Teachers, even the tough ones melted from seeing my mother's constant defense, and impressed by my academic merit. They simply let me stay like that. They didn't ask me questions in class, did not call me up to read or work out on the board or anything. My mother did a lot. However, they never knew the main cause of why I became introverted and so detached. Instead of all that effort, I just wish that mother would just once sit down and ask "why are you like this? you can tell me" strangely she never even asked that.

Well when it was time for college I opted out, I simply was not ready. How would someone so... catatonic, shy, and introverted survive in college. She agreed and gave me an year off to prepare myself. I kind of did... that freedom of an year where I was alone almost all day at house gave me time to think.  The shell that I've build around me slowly began to crack as I slowly began to imagine life if I was given the opportunity to fix this birth defect and become whole. Eventually I re-visited the concept of sex change. Ignored everything about transgendered and what not. I knew the topic of my interest was sex change. The key players for my inspiration was understanding the effects of HRT and SRS, that alone changed my perspective. Oh, and I never continued college, been freelancing online since. I couldn't and wouldn't survive in a crowd until I'm fully a girl.

Oh here I go rambling on again... I better stop  :laugh:

My first memory of questioning my gender was when I was between 4-5.  I would pray every night that I would wake up as a boy and then the next morning check my pants and cry because it didn't happen.  When I was 7 my aunt got married and I had to be the "flower girl" and I blew a big enough fit my parents let me wear a suit!  However I did not actually learn the term transgender until I got to college, so I lived with the feeling of something not being right for a long time and not knowing what was wrong.

I used to play mommy when we played house as a child, I'd dress up and pretend I was a girl, play with dolls, I'd do my nails.  I used to play with my LEGOs and other make-believe that I was the main character - who was the girl...  In school, I always preferred girls as my close friends and even envied my girl friend's "female problems".  I was a drama geek in high school and enjoyed dressing and playing women's roles when i could.   I think my parents noticed and they definitely tried to reinforce "you're a boy" with me and when they picked up on my effeminate behavior, squashed it when they could.  I don't recall having access to anything that wasn't "boy" related, and in fact got a lot of "boys do this or that" or "boys don't do [insert behavior here]".  How could I argue -- according to my body I was a boy.  But I reeeeeally wanted to do girl stuff.

Eventually I just chalked it up to that I am an effeminate man and that's that.  I wound up getting married, raising a family and until recently I haven't thought of my gender identity.  So, long answer is at some level I always knew but I didn't admit it to myself until about about 6 weeks ago.

Cheers -

Raya

when im child, i always play with doll..hehehhe...cat doll and rabbit doll.........

but!!!!!!!!!!

i play fighting like power rangers.......super cat vs super rabbit..wahahhhhaha!!

i was really a weird person.........when enter school.........gay guys like me.......oh i hate it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yucks...

i like girl but girl dont like me..........ahahahhaha...so funny this life...

ermmm about if i know since a child.......

when i little, i reaally like a barbie doll!!!!!!!! wow so cute, but my parent buy a power ranger instead hahahah

actually.. i have some kind of female body, and i dont take any hormones..

i have tits..even i was slim. small tits, but bigger than normal guy, i never be fat!!!! so thats really a boobs and not a fat that left when im a fat..coz in entire life, i always slim guy...and 1 more, i have curve and big butss!!!! i used to hate it before coz all my male fren have a flat body, and its cool for a guy to have a flat body..

and then i have a female face a bit, when i ask people, they dont said im hensem, instead they said im preety,.....

so actualy i have a body of 12 years old girl, and attracted to girl, but im a guy.........if i dont have penis, i would like to be a girl...somehow, i had a penis and need to be a guy....im fine with that, i can be guy, but when im in guy mode, people said im looks like a girl, i hate that and its like some kind of insult..but really, i do a bit like a girl, i looks like a tomboy girl, not a man...........i dont know, i really confuse.....i really want to be a girl, but i have a dick, but peoples said i looks like a girl....and its really make my my dizzy!!! i love to ->-bleeped-<- a girl, and hell no for men, but gay guy always wants me and its so scary!!!

Yes I did.

I was always jealous because it seemed to me that girls were allowed to wear nicer clothes.

Like most here, I knew at 4 years old. My mom tried to stop me then, tried at the age of 12, then at 16, then 19, etc etc. Every minute of every day since then, my thinking has not changed.

If only I told my parents my plans at an early age instead of suppressing it, having my Mom find her clothes in my room... I dunno. It eats away at me when I sit down and ponder. I think of all the time I wasted.

Reading these responses is always odd, an eye opener. What is a horror to some, would be a Godsend to others. I would cut 10 years off my life if I could have breasts in my teens, not have hair growing on my face, have a small frame... sigh  :icon_no:

Was a closet-cd from age 6 to about maybe 10-12... When puberty hit I became disgusted at what was happening down there :) so I stopped and started to live a life with a big questionmark hanging all over it. Unfortunately the pillars holding the mark have collapsed and the damn thing hit me on the head real hard :)

g

When I was 4.  I wanted to be Vanna White.  I was fascinated by the women and girls clothing aisle.  I knew I was different than the boys and dreamed of some machine that would change my body.  I always tried to play with girls toys.  When I was 11 and wanted to be a girl in my class.  I was sooo jealous of her.  Looks, friends etc.  So yes, I knew when I was young.  I may have forgotten or really triend to forget at times but I have always known.

I didn't even pay attention to my body until about 11 or 12, to be completely honest. When my chest started growing, I didn't understand why my mom made me stop wearing the tank tops I liked to wear. I didn't understand what was going on. Then, one Halloween, my mom was fixing my witch dress and she cried, "You're getting cleavage!" and I burst into tears, screaming that I didn't want boobs.

Yes.... acutely! :P

I always new something was different about me, but from around the same time I knew it was a bad idea to say anything, I can't say I knew what was wrong, but I feel like i'm on the right track now, finally, so its a yes and a no or is it a maybe - if I knew there was something I could have done at a younger age, i'd have done it in a heartbeat, but you can't live in the past, you can only move forward.
~Tali

I did not pay much attention to sex/gender when I was a child. I envied boys in many ways, from the toys they got to play with to the cooler clothes they got to wear, even their names sounded better in general compared to mine. My family and friends regarded me as a tomboy because of my preferences and despite my envy I did not come to the conclusion that I may have been the "incorrect sex". My jealousy was just something that was there. It was when I became older that this intensified and I learned about the transgender community.

Not quite sure when I knew - but others must have. I was dressed in girls clothes - by an older sister/aunt - till about five. I slept with her - always - when I was five - she was 12. I some how assumed even then my body would be like hers - a girl. From about 5 to 10 or so - I would be able to dress as a girl only for Halloween. The first time was not my choice - my mothers. I recall people saying "Oh what a pretty girl" - it was not really a costume. Every other year after - it was my choice. I would try to watch my mum putting on makeup. Taking every thing in. I would secretly get into her stuff. I would put on my sisters panties and bras. I had an older cousin - let me dress - used me as a girlfriend. I think every one else could sense I was a girl inside - I have spent years trying to figure it all out. Some time early - I knew it was wrong. That it was wrong for me - a boy to be a girl.
I also did not like taking my shirt off - with boys. I swear to god - at puberty I started growing breasts. The boys teased me calling me - nickname - tits. I walked like a girl - I didn't notice - but my step-dad sure did. Constant criticism - I had to work hard to walk like a boy. Often if I didn't pay constant attention - girl me slipped out. Hips would sway.
I guess the bottom line is - I began knowing - when I realized - gender. Until I became conscious of gender - I just was. My first choice was girl - the rest of the world made it wrong - not me. The simple rules are - penis=boy. So I did it most of my life - worked hard at being a boy. But I have never been able to forget - my childhood was as a girl - trying to be a boy was un-natural.

I knew. I knew hard, I just didn't know what to make of it for years. I thought maybe I was being anti-feminist or that patriarchy and the portrayal of women was what was chafing me so hard that I wanted to be a man. I never really admit to myself that I wanted to be a man because I am a man until just a few years ago. Still don't know what to do about it. Oh well, since this thread happened and I've been thinking about it for a few days, time to talk about it I guess.


When I was really small, and I mean very small it's one of my earliest memories, I remember it occurred to me while watching Power Rangers that there wasn't a snowball's chance in hell of me being a girl, everyone must be kidding me. I decided this after noticing that guys could be super cool and big and strong and loud-mouthed and fun, but saw that all women had to stay within the boundaries of something I couldn't put my finger on at that age.  Retrospectively I recognize the quality I couldn't place at the time to be sexiness; all women had to be sexy all the time and it cost them all of those things. This set me up, later, to believe I felt the way I did because I was a bigot. I realize in adulthood that I wasn't being a bigot, and it'll clear up as I continue my "riveting" tale which is really memories where I retroactively spot that I lied to myself or tried to assert myself or there was some kind of clash all smashed together haphazardly. With socially conservative parents who's approach to sex-ed was "never ever say anything", I didn't even know the difference between a boy and a girl, so I was confident I'd grow up to be a big strong super cool punk-ass teenager one day. No, really, that was what I thought was "the best", punk-ass teenagers, with their skateboards and their crazy hair and their silly clothes. I wanted to be one of those punkass teenagers SO BAD even though I knew that couldn't be my job, I'd also have to be a dinosaur wrangler or an astronaut cowboy or something. Mostly though I wanted to be a punk-ass teenager and I totally couldn't wait.

When my cousin Jess, who was like my sister, and I pretended to be ponies after watching "My little pony tales" together, she asked me to play the boy pony. I protested slightly on the grounds that he existed solely to be a jerk to the girl ponies, but then rather enjoyed it. From that point on I don't think I ever pretended to play someone in a female role during pretend games again. Everyone always wanted to get me to play "the mom" when it was time to play house, but I started getting really angry with them and insisting I should instead play the cool teenager. This almost always ended in me climbing a tree and pretending to be at a concert or watching MTV. I didn't really know what those things were but teenagers loved them and it got me out of pretending to be a mom, which I didn't understand why I hated so much. The idea of playing a mom made me incredibly angry at the time and I couldn't even identify why. Everyone was telling me I'd grow up to be one and I guess on some level I registered that meant they totally thought I was a girl and that they wanted me to want to grow up and do girl stuff and play with babies instead of like, riding dinosaurs on the moon or whatever boys got to do when they grew up. I didn't understand what adults did but I was informed that men and women did different stuff and I felt like I should be doing the man stuff. I know lots of Cis girls felt that way too.

So when I got slightly older, around the time my little brother was born, I guess the adults around me er... noticed. And started trying to convince me that I was a girl and I should totally own it and be super proud. There's tapes of me trying to do that, I remember wanting to make them happy with me. I was acting like a four year old drag queen; not like a little girl, but like an over-embellished impersonation of one. Around this time I was molested by the neighbor boy, but I didn't tell anybody because I didn't understand what was happening or how it would effect me later. At my kindergarten birthday party I was very happy because I was allowed to invite the whole class, but I was absolutely crushed when I was told I was allowed only to invite girls to my first grade birthday party. All my friends were boys. At some point I accepted the arbitrary separation since boys were supposed to date girls and I figured they just wanted to make it easy for me to get a girlfriend and that was what this was all about. The girls seemed to like eachother more than they liked the boys, in fact they hated the boys who they claimed "drooled" while they apparently "ruled", so obviously my parents were awesome spies and were teaching me to be a really good spy too and get a girlfriend and be awesome. I didn't really want a girlfriend yet, but it seemed like that was the thing to do, all the cool punkass teenagers were obsessed with the idea so it must be awesome. Spy was a really cool job to have once I was too old to be a professional punk-ass teenager, too! This is the alternate reality my five year old brain created. I sortof want to give my five year old self a high-five when I remember stuff like this, he was really cool for a little kid.

The lesson I'd been getting at home that I had to go above and beyond the call of duty to inform people I was a girl was re-enforced when a little girl at the school (maybe a young Transboy, maybe not) started dressing according to the boy's uniform requirements and cutting her/his/zir hair but still had to use the girl's bathroom, and all the girls at the school were incredibly cruel to this person and called him/her/zir "the baheeshee" and referred to him/her/zir as an "it". I remember around this time I felt I had to inform everyone that they must address me as "Samantha" because "Sammy" (yes I spelled with a y, it upset my kindergarten and first grade teachers and they tried to correct me a lot) was a boy's name and I also remember around this time I had a phase where I refused to wear pants and would only put on skirts.

I remember starting to have severe dysphoria for the first time after I started presenting as a super fem girl full time, not for my body as I wasn't near puberty yet and didn't really understand and my overactive child imagination combined with ignorance had me convinced I'd still grow up to be a man, but for the clothes I was putting on it and for my long hair. I soon learned that boys peed standing up. I was sent home later that day because I wet my skirt trying to do it. My grandmother didn't even have to ask when she picked me up- she knew. She knew I wet my skirt trying to pee standing up like a boy. I remember I cried a lot when I knew nobody was looking because it was starting to sink in that something was terribly wrong about this whole situation and I began to get the idea that I was going to have to pretend to be a girl forever. Around this time I told my mom to stop pestering me about having grandchildren for her and told her she would have grandkittens or nothing and like it. I told her I didn't want to be a mom or be pregnant. All the women in the family insisted that God would call me to motherhood one day. I was seven.

Around this same time I was also in the Brownies. I heard the name "Alexander" somewhere and I wanted it to be my name. I knew it was a boy's name, and I wanted it. When myself and another brownie were headed for the bathrooms, I remember telling her that if a stranger showed up we should use fake names, I'd call her Luceille because that was the name she wished she had, and I told her she'd call me Alexander. The woman escorting us curtly informed me that was a boy's name and I was a girl. I was incredibly embarrassed. To cover for it I started telling outrageous lies so the other brownies would assume I was just crazy and not ostracize me for being "a baheeshee". I shortened it to Alex since girls were allowed to be called that without becoming a "baheeshee" and being beaten up and having their lunch stolen, and I became obsessed with it and named everything Alex, including my kitten. Some of the girls told me I couldn't play with them because my hair was too long; I always have and still do like long hair; but I took this as an excuse to cut it almost as short as a boy to see what it'd feel like. I picked a bob cut, afterall, I didn't want to become a "baheeshee" and get my lunch stolen or have someone stick my head in the toilet. I looked incredibly stupid and nobody was afraid to tell me so. Natalie and Patricia didn't look stupid with theirs, so I was kindof mad at them for having inadvertently given me the idea. I didn't tell them though because I knew it wasn't their faults.

I transferred to a public school and aside from continuing to embarrass myself, started to hit puberty around the age of nine. I had already developed a habit I have to this very day of NEVER LOOK DOWN from having to wear a girl's uniform all the time, so I actually didn't notice until a girl named Beth told me that not wearing a bra made me look tacky and proceeded to get her little entourage to trash me every chance she got. I looked down for the first time in a long while and realized that there were, in fact, little bumps there. I was... not excited. When I went home and explained to my mom what happened she got all excited about taking me shopping for training bras. I was... more not excited. This was also around the time the teachers started to stop me from playing soccer with the boys. I didn't understand why.  Title nine passed a little while later and teachers weren't allowed to stop me from playing with the boys anymore, but that was OK for them because the boys soon informed me that girls were rubbish at sports and since I was a girl nobody wanted me on their team because they'd lose. I became a loner and examined plants and bugs at recess around this time. I had no interest in talking about makeup and nail paint with the "other girls" and that was all the rage at the time, so I just felt alienated and tried to stay away. I ended up friends with the two Muslim girls in my grade because I guess they were outcasts too and they felt bad for me or were lonely or both. Their parents didn't much care for me and always seemed to be chasing me out of the house, though, so the friendships didn't last long. In retrospect I figure they wanted me out so they could pray in private but at the time I didn't understand why I always had to leave and interpreted it as them disliking me. Nickelodeon started to run commercials telling kids to have safe sex so they wouldn't get pregnant or catch diseases. I didn't understand very well and I panicked and thought those things might happen to me, because the neighbor boy had called one of the things he made me do sex. I told my parents. I hope I had a nightmare later that my dad called me a slut, because if I didn't that means it happened for real. 

After puberty started to kick into full swing and I realized my training bras no longer fit and I'd need regular bras, I also noticed I was crying a lot about completely retarded things. In retrospect, this was estrogen and dysphoria and being full of hate and misery because I felt like I had to pretend I was a girl forever and ever and now I was going to have to pretend to like being a girlfriend and a mommy while all the boys who people knew were boys would get to be punkass teenagers and I wouldn't. I was upset at the idea that I wasn't going to get to be a punkass teenager. And then came the next big stupid fiasco- developing crushes. I knew on some level what a crush was, I didn't realize I was following Charisma, a girl in my class, around like a lost puppy. Charisma thought it was hilarious when I asked her how she was so cool and stuff and gave me wrong advice on purpose. Then... people started using "lesbian" as an insult. I didn't have any idea what a lesbian was, but they got their hair pulled and their lunches stolen so I really didn't want to be one! I figured out that lesbians, whatever they were, had something to do with having crushes on girls, so I left Charisma alone and went back to being by myself all the time. At this point I started getting terrible grades.

As for the pretending front, now in my last gasp of passing if I wore the right shirt I INSISTED that teenage girls had mistaken me for one of the Hansen brothers, since they were currently all the rage. I was super excited that the imaginary teenage girls liked me. This got me called a lesbian. OOPS. The harassment began. I had to move schools. I learned to ignore girls and women and never act like I cared about them in order to avoid being called a lesbian and having that happen again. Instead, I was now a bitch. I hated it more than any person had any right to and didn't know why, but people were afraid of bitches and didn't harass them, so it was sortof better I guessed. I realized later I hated being called a bitch more than any person should because it's for the most part a female-only term or is used on men to imply they're feminine. This was the beginning of middle school.

At this point the boys started to hit puberty and I started to get crushes on them. I was inordinately loud about them because I didn't want anyone to think I was one of those lesbian things again and have to change schools. This made those boys dislike me. Eventually it trickled down what those "lesbian" and "gay" things meant and Instead of being afraid someone would call me one I felt really bad for them. My dad started to say bad things about them, and both parents started telling me that it was terrible and wrong etc. I repeated the things they and the kids at school said because I thought everyone felt that way and I was a dirty little coward. It was a bad thing to do and I felt bad about it. At some point I publicly declared myself "goth" since most of my clothes were black anyway and goths didn't do those things to gay people. I expected other people to start becoming "goths" soon, too, so I figured that it was only a matter of time before reinforcements rode in to save my punk ass. I was... ahead of the curve. There were no reinforcements for two more years, and there were no goths besides me in the entire class of '06. As the only goth I was in a similar position to the time I was a "lesbian". It was no fun, but by that point I had stopped giving enough of a ->-bleeped-<- about what other people thought about me to try to backpedal. Whatever, I was a goth now. I liked black clothes anyway and goths were kindof like punkass teenagers. They did a lot of the same things but listened to cooler music.

By the end of middle school there had been sex ed, and there was a bit more in highschool covereing STDs and Birth control. Nothing related to the B or T portions of the rainbow was covered, so I assumed I was a special snowflake, but I kept it to myself- well sortof. Keeping it to myself implies admitting it to myself, which I still hadn't done. I guess I was still holding out childish hope that maybe I would wake up a cool punkass teenage boy because at this point I entered my lady-hatin' phase. I developed mild misogyny and regurgitated the area's highly popular gender-complementarian attitude without acting like it at all applied to me. This period was short.

I soon realized I was a complete and total waste of space and oxygen by acting and thinking in these ways and rebelled from the monster I thought I would become if I continued down that road by becoming a feminist, which turned out to be the best and most true-to-myself knee-jerk reaction I ever made. Feminists in my area were GLBT friendly. I learned about transgendered people and learned that it was OK my body was playing this silly joke on me because I could fix it with science. Science is badass and I liked it even before I learned that. Also, I realized I could still be a punkass teenager whether or not I had to stay disguised as a girl while I did it. I was excited about it again. And let me tell you what- I did it. I was the punk-ass-est teenager. Not one teenager in my town was a bigger punkass than me. I lurked around in all the cool places and made adults uncomfortable. >:3 It then occurred to me that maybe I only felt like I wanted to transition to male because I was being bigoted toward women. Women are perfectly good people, afterall, why would I have such a problem with being one? I figured the problem was other people hating on women and I went on a campaign to fix the things I thought had warped my brain to make me hate that I was a woman. I went on a crusade to make as many words unisex as I could. The swearwords caught on at my school and women were now called ->-bleeped-<-s and bastards instead of just the three stock female swears, slut, bitch and whore. I even stopped ignoring girls and had one of those lesbian relationships- at one point I bound for my girlfriend and she *loved it*. That was as far as I got though. Even with the highschoolers who disliked me describing me more accurately now that they weren't limited to words that indicated the presence of breasts, I still disliked that I was a woman. I figured I would feel better in college.

So I went to college. And didn't feel better, and met more GLBT people. And then I admitted to myself that I wasn't a woman, I was just dressed up like one because I felt like I had to be. Honestly I still do but it might be a very strong force of habit and could have to do with all those times I got rejected over knowing I wasn't a girl and trying to act like it.

And now I feel better. Sorry everyone. ^^

I can't say I've had the same experience as the 'classic' case of 'I knew when I was 3 and I told my mother that I was a girl'. I never felt any gender confusion growing up and I was happy being me. I don't think I ever saw myself as being a boy per se but I never told myself I wanted to be a girl and I never played with girl's toys or showed much interest in dressing. My problems all started between the ages of 10 and 12 when I was  finishing primary school. It was then that I started to 'feel different'. These feelings got worse and worse until I was aged 13 and 14 and I started slumping into a big big depression. Very moody, very antisocial, wouldn't talk, wouldn't play, stayed to myself. It was at this age that I started to wish I had been born a girl but I never in my wildest imagination thought that I would ever be wanted and planning towards changing my gender role and my sex. I always just felt like a boy who wished he'd been born a girl. I was so envious of my younger sister who hung out with and played with the girls that were my age. I just sat in the corner and kept to myself but looked on....Then as I got more into puberty and teenagehood I started to dress, pay more interest in girls clothes when I was at the shops, envy the girls and their school uniforms and dream of going to school with them, playing female characters in computer games. However, it still always until I was in my early twenties that I actually started to think that transition was a viable option. It was a gradual progression from the age of 11 or so but I am fairly sure I didn't feel anything before that.

Yup, I definitely knew as a child. Earliest memory is me at 5 telling my mom that I was wished I was a boy. When I was 7 I started being a tomboy and thought that was as good as it could get. My friends were mostly guys and I was having the time of my life (minus the constant teasing). Even though I liked boy stuff the only girl toy I did like was Barbie haha, probably because I spent most of the time pretending to be Ken and living the good life.

My mom let me get away with my boyish behavior for a couple years because apparently she was a tomboy as a child too. But then puberty reared its hideous face and shattered my self-image. I always saw myself as a guy but suddenly I was growing moobs and getting monthly visits from a certain curse. No longer was I as strong as the guys and I had to go on an all girls basketball team which really sucked hard.

Then I started getting crushes on girls but ignored it and assumed I was just being shy. When I was 13 I came to the conclusion that I was a lesbian, it was the closest thing I could relate to because at the time I knew very little about transgenders. At 15 I got outed as a lesbian, the only good thing about it was that I basically had a free pass to be as boyish as I wanted.

A few years ago when I was 17 I was watching the L word and was intrigued by Max. I looked into FTM's and found that there was a distinct possibility that I was trans. This just confused me a lot and for the longest time I wasn't sure what I was. I feel like a guy and I like girls but I'm a girl. Am I gay or trans? That was pretty much all I could think about and I couldn't make a straight decision. Some days I really hated my body other days I thought I could just stay female and put up with it.

Now it seems so simple that I'm really just a dude with the wrong body. Every time I thought I could live life as a lesbian it was always "I can put up with having this body." or "I can ignore/tolerate the disgust I feel about my moobs and just go really butch." Why torture myself? I'm a guy, not a lesbian. I shouldn't have to 'put up' with being disgusted about myself and now I feel so at peace with myself after I came to terms with it.

bye

Good to know I wasn't the only one who at the age of 3 started to pray for a change. You wonder what goes through a kids mind at the age.

Some probably assume kids that age are exposed to porn and all that other junk to know, yet I wasn't. I know what I wasn't exposed to, so I'll lean to believe other that knew something needed to change (or something wasn't right) at age 3-4.

It was the final year of primary school and thus at the start of puberty and I realised that I was going to the wrong school, I should have been going with all the other girls to the school across from mine. I shouldn't have been with the boys. As puberty progressed I got more and more depressed and wished more and more that I had been born a girl until the age of 19 when I realised that transition was on the table for me. So yah, I knew as a child but only from the age of 11 or so not before.

Niamh;
Not everyone knows at a very young age. I didnt figure it out until I was 9 and I had to have it put in my face to figure it out.

I knew something was off as a child, but I didn't really understand what was wrong with me.  If I didn't have an older brother to model my expected behaviors after, I am not sure what would have happened.  ???  It was only in college I learned about transgender, and people transitioning successfully.  Before that I had just seen the awful stuff portrayed on television, which led me to suppress my feelings, or, at least make an attempt to.

As a child, yes. I always considered myself one of the boys. I knew I was different though. Everyone called me a tomboy though and I remember always saying 'No, it's more than that.' I didn't know what trans was though until I hit my teens.

I have always known.

My earliest memory was stood in my friends kitchen he was in the living room hes dad came in and said hi are you our Garys new girlfriend i nodded then craped myself but the feeling of been acknowlaged as a girl was fantastic I was 8.

Only by way of retrospection can I honestly say, "Yes, I knew."  For years, decades, I was in intensely strong denial.  While undergoing gender therapy a year or so ago, I read Brown & Rounsley's "True Selves" and then totally understood that I am, and had been, transsexual since early childhood ... age 3 or so.  It's been a lifelong thing I've only fully acknowledged in the last few years.  Please understand that in my day, time and place in my youth, being trans and out was a darned-near death sentence.  Thankfully, things have changed a lot since then. 

Yes... I knew

I got caught playing with moms makeup when I was about4-5. I always knew!

I suppose the fact that I chose my girl name at age 5 (and it has been with me ever since) should have been a clue  ROFL!

Quote from: Northern Jane on October 07, 2010, 09:07:16 AM
I suppose the fact that I chose my girl name at age 5 (and it has been with me ever since) should have been a clue  ROFL!

I also had my name since 4 or 5. Just took me alot longer to get this fixed than you Jane. I must have a high tolerance for liveing in hell or I am a masochist and just dont know it.  ;D

Honestly, I never really thought about gender or image when I was younger.  I was me, and that was all that mattered up until mid-high school.  Looking back, I definitely did act more like a boy.  However, the person I spent the most time playing with was my brother, so I didn't consider this to be odd at all.  I did have girly fun from time to time too, and I will proudly admit to spending many happy hours watching the dinky light bulb do it's job in my easy-bake oven.

I can't really say. I mean I always knew I was different as a child and played a lot with other girls and less wit boys. I guess I felt more connected to them but my knowledge of gender was nil.
It was as late as the changes of puberty that I finally realized mine was not the body I was meant to have. I never denied the feeling but was very afraid of others judgement over me. Eventually the choice was simple: Remaining unhappy and depressed for the rest of my life or take a slim shot at happyness.