I have a problem: I have been asked to a friend's hen party. 3 nights in Spain. Problem is, I'm a transguy (obviously) and the Bride doesn't know ( 2 other's in the friendship group know but don't seem to realise why it might be a problem for me)

How the Hell do I get round being a guy at a traditionally all female gathering?

Need to decide by Monday aswell, as they are booking on Tuesday. Only found out about the whole thing two days ago.

Secondary problem: Dad is getting married again next year. I'm dreading being asked to be bride's maid. He doesn't know any different to me being his 'daughter'

Feel so selfish and ashamed and guilty


Edit: Just been thinking, my big Brother has one of the other girls' facebook and presuming she puts up a status or pics or whatever of the Hen Party, I imagine he's going to wonder why I'm not there also. :/

If it was me I would NEVER go to a all female party EVER. That would just scream: "I'm NOT a real guy" everywhere. I'm sure you wouldn't do that.
It's not selfish not to go. If they know you are trans it's selfish and disrespectful for them to even think of asking.

Are you out to your dad? Do would he have a problem with you being trans?

You sure are in a pickle dude!

The way I see, you have two options:

1) Come out, come out, and watch the fireworks go. How that would this work depends on your family and friends attitude, and in your willingness to face the music 

2) Endure the unendurable and suffer the insufferable, play the role and enjoy the champgne and the lace 

I'm a chick and I wouldn't go to a hen party.   Can I ask you all a question?   Why do people on this site so often discuss that "bad moment" where your "gender issues" seem to be the focus of the conflict and so you kind of follow it down the road.


I'd just say Damn!  I can't make it.  And to SPAIN!  Oh man that's so disappointing but I can't go.   Why in the world would people care if you are unable to attend a party traveling (I'm assuming) with only two days notice?

If dad asks you to be a brides maid,  (and that's a little weird,  usually the bride picks her friends to be a brides maid, not the groom's child) just say "No!  I have no interest in being a brides maid"

I have yet to meet a woman who liked it.  It's expensive etc.

Just say NO.  That's it.

Can you say you've not got an in date passport?  That would get you out of the hen party and probably not offend anyone -- there's no way you can get a passport in 2 days.  Unless they know you've already got a passport, in which case it would be harder to get out of.  Does your brother know you have a passport?  That lie could work for him as well.

I refused to be my cousins bridesmaid when she got married a few years ago.  I said yes initially but then realised how awkward I'd be, and how I'd not want to let her down by being really awkward and ruining their day by messing up.  She understood that dresses really weren't my thing and I don't think she was too bothered by it.

unless you are in spain the distance should be a good enough exuse.
just say you dont feel like traveling for the moment or that you got other plans.

If people invite me to events who happents in other countrys then they also understand if I dont have the money, or surplus to go.
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Quote from: peky on October 27, 2012, 04:57:17 PM
You sure are in a pickle dude!

The way I see, you have two options:

1) Come out, come out, and watch the fireworks go. How that would this work depends on your family and friends attitude, and in your willingness to face the music 

2) Endure the unendurable and suffer the insufferable, play the role and enjoy the champgne and the lace 

I don't think I'll be able to come out before Monday (decision day) Too scared! :p

Quote from: Sparrowhawke on October 27, 2012, 04:49:43 PM
If it was me I would NEVER go to a all female party EVER. That would just scream: "I'm NOT a real guy" everywhere. I'm sure you wouldn't do that.
It's not selfish not to go. If they know you are trans it's selfish and disrespectful for them to even think of asking.

Are you out to your dad? Do would he have a problem with you being trans?

I'm not out to the Bride though, or even the others properly  the others just know I'm uncomfy about being assigned female

I'm not out to any of my family yet. We're just not the kind of family that chats easily to each other. I'm afriad of creating an atmosphere. Also Big Brother seems to have a problem with me not being feminine so I don't want to make his malicious jibes worse. I know I'll have to let them know at some point though, especially if i man up and take things further

Quote from: mixie on October 27, 2012, 05:00:19 PM
I'm a chick and I wouldn't go to a hen party.   Can I ask you all a question?   Why do people on this site so often discuss that "bad moment" where your "gender issues" seem to be the focus of the conflict and so you kind of follow it down the road.


I'd just say Damn!  I can't make it.  And to SPAIN!  Oh man that's so disappointing but I can't go.   Why in the world would people care if you are unable to attend a party traveling (I'm assuming) with only two days notice?

If dad asks you to be a brides maid,  (and that's a little weird,  usually the bride picks her friends to be a brides maid, not the groom's child) just say "No!  I have no interest in being a brides maid"

I have yet to meet a woman who liked it.  It's expensive etc.

Just say NO.  That's it.

I dunno, the trip is in May but the want to book it now to get the cheapest deal. I really love being around these pals and normally jump at the chance to socialise with them so I'm thinking they/my family would find it odd for me to say no, especially considering I love travelling nad Spain :/

Quote from: Alex000000 on October 27, 2012, 05:50:43 PM
Can you say you've not got an in date passport?  That would get you out of the hen party and probably not offend anyone -- there's no way you can get a passport in 2 days.  Unless they know you've already got a passport, in which case it would be harder to get out of.  Does your brother know you have a passport?  That lie could work for him as well.

I refused to be my cousins bridesmaid when she got married a few years ago.  I said yes initially but then realised how awkward I'd be, and how I'd not want to let her down by being really awkward and ruining their day by messing up.  She understood that dresses really weren't my thing and I don't think she was too bothered by it.

Nah mate, everyone knows i've got an in date passport, I go to Uni on the mainland (UK) so I need one to get to there.

Good on you for being brave enough re. the cousin's bridemaid thing

Quote from: Natkat on October 27, 2012, 07:39:35 PM
unless you are in spain the distance should be a good enough exuse.
just say you dont feel like traveling for the moment or that you got other plans.

If people invite me to events who happents in other countrys then they also understand if I dont have the money, or surplus to go.
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The thing is, it's in May next year so Ican't say I don't feel like travelling atm Everyone knows that I'll be off university and home by then aswell and that work will give me a few days off for it

I'm well and truly stuck :s

thanks for all your views, more is always appreciated

Either come out now before it gets worse, find a good excuse or do as they tell you. Sorry, but I can't seem to think of something else.

Oh I see you have two days notice to book with them.  Well look it's not until next May and it's not impossible for you to change your mind in May?  Just say for now you can't make it but you'll see later.   Don't make it a big deal.  Who knows what will happen by next May?  You might be out by then.   

But you know what I think.   I think as to the question I asked,  that you often get opportunities that you could use to come out and you wonder if you should.  I don't think it's about the hen party deep inside, it's the question  "Should I come out?"  and the answer is yes.

Quote from: mixie on October 27, 2012, 08:32:27 PM
Oh I see you have two days notice to book with them.  Well look it's not until next May and it's not impossible for you to change your mind in May?  Just say for now you can't make it but you'll see later.   Don't make it a big deal.  Who knows what will happen by next May?  You might be out by then.   

But you know what I think.   I think as to the question I asked,  that you often get opportunities that you could use to come out and you wonder if you should.  I don't think it's about the hen party deep inside, it's the question  "Should I come out?"  and the answer is yes.

Yeh, I guess I could say yes for now then back out later but then I've lostmoney and I'd have to keep up the appearance for ages if I haven't come out by then.

Nah, this is about the Hen party for now, as i literally have a day now to decide. I do ask myself the 'should i come out?' Q all the time but for now I'm trying to decide about the party.

Quote from: Sparrowhawke on October 27, 2012, 08:30:49 PM
Either come out now before it gets worse, find a good excuse or do as they tell you. Sorry, but I can't seem to think of something else.

Yeh, that's the thing..it would need to be a very good excuse as to why I couldn't go. I have a feeling someone will worm it out of me eventually


I was talking to two uni pals who I'm out to about it last night and they seemed to htink I was silly for thinking about not going. 'you try to hard to be a guy' one even said. I think they think that I can just blank out the dysphoria whenever I want though.

That's so sad. I think you should find a way to educate them on dysphoria. I would have linked you to my comic, but it's not done yet. I'm willing to try to make a drawing for you to show dysphoria if you are interested or maybe an essay about it.

You have three choices, the way I see it.

1.) Come out and say you're trans so you can't go. (Obviously not your top pick, as you have stated).
2.) Say you can't go and leave it at that. If they ask for a reason, make one up.
3.) Just suck it up and go.

I can tell you what I would do in your situation, but I doubt that would help. Just choose what makes you most comfortable and be ready in case you have to deal with family pressures. Good luck.

just don't go. say it makes you uncomfortable, say you have other plans, say you're sorry but no, good luck bro :/

Quote from: El Capitan on October 27, 2012, 08:15:57 PM
The thing is, it's in May next year so Ican't say I don't feel like travelling atm Everyone knows that I'll be off university and home by then aswell and that work will give me a few days off for it

I'm well and truly stuck :s

thanks for all your views, more is always appreciated

I see,
as said you manly must choose to come out or just deal with it,
I had been to a couple of only girl groups, for my time, never a girl night but alot of "only girl things"

I generally dealt with it to try forgetting the fact and just try to focus on being there as a person, and that my gender wouldnt matter. But I guess it was a bit more easy in my caise cause the girls where usunally tomboyish, and once I was in a group where it where very-girly-girly we had a tomboy girl who didnt felt confortable and so it was changed to be a bit more gender neutral even when only girls where allowed.

I did quit one group because I couldnt deal with it being a girl group, and it annoyed me everytime people mentioned it.

the other group I where in I came out as being trans, I was still invited to the group if I felt like but I didnt play the female part so to speak, when we had make up days I was the make up artist doing make up on the girls not opposite. also they did once in a while ask guys to join but manly they didnt cause it would be agenst there pride.
---

I'd say don't go. You don't necessarily have to disclose, just make up a reason and don't go--also at some point, if it's safe, I'd really recommend telling your dad you can't be a bridesmaid or wear dresses.

My best friend invited me to his bachelor party know well and good that I am a woman.  This was a very traditionally male environment, but I still had fun. It gave me a an interesting insight into men. Just because something is traditionally associated with the opposite gender, does not mean you can't enjoy it. I personally like to try new things, so if you think you could handle hanging out with a bunch of women, consider it a learning experience. You never know, it could be a lot of fun. Just my two cents.

Quote from: Ayden on October 27, 2012, 10:34:10 PM
You have three choices, the way I see it.

1.) Come out and say you're trans so you can't go. (Obviously not your top pick, as you have stated).
2.) Say you can't go and leave it at that. If they ask for a reason, make one up.
3.) Just suck it up and go.

I can tell you what I would do in your situation, but I doubt that would help. Just choose what makes you most comfortable and be ready in case you have to deal with family pressures. Good luck.

Interested to know what you would do in my situation? :p 

Quote from: Sparrowhawke on October 27, 2012, 08:50:33 PM
That's so sad. I think you should find a way to educate them on dysphoria. I would have linked you to my comic, but it's not done yet. I'm willing to try to make a drawing for you to show dysphoria if you are interested or maybe an essay about it.

Thanks for the offer mate, I'll let you know if I'm ever in need of one 

Quote from: KyleXX on October 28, 2012, 02:17:42 AM
just don't go. say it makes you uncomfortable, say you have other plans, say you're sorry but no, good luck bro :/

I've now let two of the friends (still not the bride) no that I'm really stressing about it as it makes me feel uncomfortable due to me identifying as a guy but I also like spending time with themso I'm stuck. No one really knows what to reply with  I'm seeing if i can decide tomorrow instead off tonight. Also said that I dunno what I'll be like in May, so they might have a more 'apparent' more 'out' guy with them 

Quote from: Natkat on October 28, 2012, 06:06:37 AM
I see,
as said you manly must choose to come out or just deal with it,
I had been to a couple of only girl groups, for my time, never a girl night but alot of "only girl things"

I generally dealt with it to try forgetting the fact and just try to focus on being there as a person, and that my gender wouldnt matter. But I guess it was a bit more easy in my caise cause the girls where usunally tomboyish, and once I was in a group where it where very-girly-girly we had a tomboy girl who didnt felt confortable and so it was changed to be a bit more gender neutral even when only girls where allowed.

I did quit one group because I couldnt deal with it being a girl group, and it annoyed me everytime people mentioned it.

the other group I where in I came out as being trans, I was still invited to the group if I felt like but I didnt play the female part so to speak, when we had make up days I was the make up artist doing make up on the girls not opposite. also they did once in a while ask guys to join but manly they didnt cause it would be agenst there pride.
---

yeah, I've been thinking I could just go and try to forget the whole 'female thing' I dunno how hard that would be though  I feel bad that I can't just turn off these feelings and jump at the opportunity to spend three days in Spain with them.

Just trying to picture what kind of things they'd want to do.

Quote from: Green_Tony on October 28, 2012, 09:26:13 AM
I'd say don't go. You don't necessarily have to disclose, just make up a reason and don't go--also at some point, if it's safe, I'd really recommend telling your dad you can't be a bridesmaid or wear dresses.

hmm that also reminds me, another close friend is engaged (well, has been for 6yrs or so) and could well be getting married soon. When I was in girl mode, she gave hints soemtimes about me being her Bride's maid. I'm jealous of cis guys  right now as they don't even have to deal with this.

Quote from: Brooke777 on October 28, 2012, 09:36:13 AM
My best friend invited me to his bachelor party know well and good that I am a woman.  This was a very traditionally male environment, but I still had fun. It gave me a an interesting insight into men. Just because something is traditionally associated with the opposite gender, does not mean you can't enjoy it. I personally like to try new things, so if you think you could handle hanging out with a bunch of women, consider it a learning experience. You never know, it could be a lot of fun. Just my two cents.

Hmm you raise good points. I do feel I could enjoy it, but as you probably know, dysphoria strikes at all sorts of weird things and I'm worried that could throw me a bit over the edge. They are fun people to be with and in many ways, Ifeel it might be a shame if I didn't go.


I'm still in limbo folks, but thanks for your views again

For me, it was a great time.  However, at the end of the night all the guys wanted to go to a strip club. Talk about dysphoria! Seeing the naked women on stage within arms reach was horrible! I could only stay there for about 30 minutes before it was just too much, and I had to leave.  But, the rest of the night was great! Especially when one of the drunk rednecks fell on his face in the street. 

Hmm.. since they are people that you normally hang around, just try to think of it as you guys just going on an outing together rather than some sort of bridal thing that is only for girls. If it was me, I don't think I'd go. I can't stand being in large groups of women as it is >.<

As for the bridesmaid thing.. you don't sound too close with your family and I think you said that they knew you weren't comfortable with feminine roles... you could just try saying no? Idk, my mom tried to get me to be her bridesmaid when she was getting remarried and I begged and begged to not have to do it and she finally agreed. I am not trans or anything, I just very much dislike being put into that sort of femaleish category. It's hard to explain 

Anyways, good luck on making your decision!!

muffinpants I'm not saying you're trans*, but trans is not only ftm and mtf transsexuals. It's an umbrella term about all kind of genders. Also in general a lot of people tend to be uncomfortable in situations were you gender sex means a lot. For example if everybody wants to put a tomboy in a vary girlish role.