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Haven't been in this situation, but I have had to tell people things I don't want to tell them.

I pray for the courage to do what I need to do.

If (like me) you're not sure about God, then just pray to your inner strength. It works just as well.

Good luck, Fierce. You're tougher than you think you are.

I know exactly how you feel my father is a retired marine drill seargant. i was considerably to scared to tell him so as with

you i told my mother first. During that conversation i expressed to her how afraid i was of dad finding out and what he would

do. My mother just replied "I will take care of him." And instead of me having a face to face to tell him my mother did it for

me. even though i am Post-op this xmas will be his first time meeting his daughter.

Sounds exactly like my life. My mother reacted the same way, my father's over the top judgemental, and I moved to another state, but I'm sorry I don't have an answer for you. I'm still trying to find the answer myself. You are definitely not the only one here with this issue though.

I'd tell your mother first if I were you. I told my mom I was "gay" when I was a teenager and she hated it and we never spoke about it again after she had time to cool off from it. Now that she's simmered down, I came out to her about being trans and we are closer than we ever were when I was a boy.

It wont get you good with everybody but it's a start...

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I'm in pretty much the same situation as you, started HRT, laser, etc. and living in another city (about an hour away, so not quite as far as you) but still living a double life is hard.

I'm not quite as far as you into transition but I know it will be months before I feel ready to come out so it's only going to get more urgent, I think a email/letter is the best way to approach difficult parents, give them time to process it without all the emotion getting in the way.

I always feel like I would be a wreck if I tried to explain it to them face to face and probably wouldn't handle it, I'm not sure, maybe I won't. But at least with an email/letter, I can put a history and all the little details I might miss out in a face to face.

I don't think it's cowardly, at the end of the day you still have to face the music regardless of HOW you come out. And I would be much more reassured to then talk to someone ONCE I know they are going to be civilized and want to talk about it, rather than be irrational.

Including a picture is a great idea, I think if they see how successful your transition and how much happier you are it will be easier to accept (this is one of the main reasons I'm waiting).

Good luck hun, I hope it goes well for you!

Some people will never get it and it takes some a while for it to sink in. The closest person I have to a sister had a far different reaction than I thought she would when I told her and it wasn't very positive. Ironically, her husband has gone out of his way to understand and accept like no one else has.

It's been a rough year but I can assure you that you are better off if you are the one who tells your family rather than you just loosing control of it. I was totally spineless about it with my wife and I ended up hurting her a great deal more than it needed to be. Oddly enough, she is fighting hard to keep the marriage together now but we did have a severe crisis.

I'd suggest an email or letter to let them absorb and understand it as they are able. I don't think it's really fair to some people to spring it on them and force them to deal with something so personal in front of you and others.  Words hurt and it's best to let people get a chance to process everything before responding. It's not easy and I will be in the same position as you, as I come out to a lot more people in the future.

Good luck and be strong!

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Quote from: girl you look fierce on December 11, 2012, 12:08:47 AM
all she could say was "I wanted a sister in-law" or  "What am I gonna tell my best friend" for "now you are gonna dress like a girl at my wedding??"

This is one of the problems I have with my father, like everything I do reflects directly on him. As if I'm intentionally trying to make his life miserable. His reactions are always about how he will look if I do what I do, not how I feel living a lie.

Quote from: Karen on December 11, 2012, 08:20:47 AM
This is one of the problems I have with my father, like everything I do reflects directly on him. As if I'm intentionally trying to make his life miserable. His reactions are always about how he will look if I do what I do, not how I feel living a lie.

Karen, I saw some of that from my own parents.

My take is that this is controlling behavior. He wants to control who you are and what you do so that it is most convenient for him.

Quote from: Karen on December 11, 2012, 08:20:47 AM
This is one of the problems I have with my father, like everything I do reflects directly on him. As if I'm intentionally trying to make his life miserable. His reactions are always about how he will look if I do what I do, not how I feel living a lie.

Social stigma is still very common in many cultures, and unfortunately a lot of parents are way too concerned about the opinions of strangers and acquaintances.

It's particularly common in Mediterranean cultures, social appearances are more important than livelihood for some families. Kids have been outcast for far less unfortunately.

I know my parents are like this being from the Balkans, so (when I come out) I am just planning on telling them "don't tell anybody anything if you don't want, I'm not going to see those people and they can say how rotten I am for not visiting sometime but at least you won't have to deal with it". Because I really don't care if they know or not, I've never been close to anyone except my immediate family.

Otherwise I feel someone's personal well being is far more important than the social stigma it will bring. At the end of the day, most people that aren't that close to you are far too self involved to care that much about "some son/daughter of some person who they rarely see", they might discuss it once or twice but they'll soon forget, which is another good point to bring up!

Quote from: aleah on December 12, 2012, 03:33:21 AM
Social stigma is still very common in many cultures, and unfortunately a lot of parents are way too concerned about the opinions of strangers and acquaintances.

It's particularly common in Mediterranean cultures, social appearances are more important than livelihood for some families. Kids have been outcast for far less unfortunately.

If my Italian father could get over it then there is much hope. Of course, his main concern was me turning out like a 'circus freak'. When my mother told him that he had a daughter, I remember him shouting down the phone to me that I was his 'fulcrum of his life' and that I can't be doing this.

My English mother is the chief whip in the family. She has a very strong character. The fact that she immediately accepted me influenced the whole family. A couple of years of HRT and my father was taking me and my boyfriend into his heartland Kings Road, Chelsea for lunch.

Quote from: girl you look fierce on December 12, 2012, 11:01:59 AM
That is why I am so terrified to come out to him, just imagining his face with him clinching his jaw and not saying anything but judging me like I am worthless scares me so much and it makes me feel sick.

But nevertheless... I wrote the first draft of my letter.  It came out to almost 4,000 words because I had so much I needed to say and being trans is so interconnected to all of my problems in life and in childhood. I tried to be as reasonable and as empathetic and maybe even apologetic towards how they might feel, but I also made it clear that this is my life and it is my decision to make.

I guess I will try to condense it a little and then I will be sending that letter after Christmas I hope it goes okay.

I hope it goes well for you!

Trying to anticipate their questions/concerns is a good idea I think, there are going to be the standard questions that need to be answered and if you answer them pre-emptively they won't have time to brood over them. Everytime I write my draft, and I've rewritten several times since, I seem to add more links to TG material, I don't know, I feel the lack of knowledge might make them leap to stereotypes and I want to cut it off with some hard facts.

But I know that feel hun, it's terrifying and nauseating but you'll get past it.

Good luck!