Well I came out fully to my wife yesterday, she's known about this as long as I have (8 months).

I told her first while she was pregnant because I was troubled but didn't think it would go anywhere, then it came up again 2 weeks before our son was born and again when he was about 6 weeks old. I keep trying to bury it but it hasn't worked. I know my timing is awful but each time it felt like I couldn't cope.

Before our son was born it seemed we may have been able to make it work, now she doesn't want to know. Here's the highlights of our talk:

I'm selfish
I don't love her and our son enough to stop this, if it was her just looking at his face would be enough.
My son will be beaten up every day at school because we live in an intolerant place.
I'll lose my job
She'll lose all her family and friends
She'll have to be a single mam in a council house
Our dogs will have to go in a shelter
She wishes our son wasn't born
She feels like taking him and driving off a cliff
I've dragged this on to try and manipulate her
I'm doing this as a subconscious attempt to get back at my mother who has been very difficult during our 10 year relationship (married for 3)
I can't promise I won't decide to leave her for a man

She never once mentioned how I feel or cope.. But I'm selfish.

Now after all that I've said I'll go to a therapist but she doesn't think she can trust me. She basically expects me to go to a therapist so I can find a way to get back to normal.

I don't know what to do, I desperately want to make this work, and if we have to split I would hope to be friends, I feel like the worst person in the world.

Am I being horrible here, brutal honesty please!

I am sorry to hear how your wife reacted, she sounds a lot like mine. It is tough enough to come out and then to receive that kind of reaction just seems to validate our fears of coming out in the first place.

I don't know a solution unfortunately. I can just say I can feel your pain.



Hopefully as they see us transition and see the real person come out they will come around. But they might not and that is sad. 

Sent from my Windows 8 device using Board Express

Possibly not the best time to tell your wife.

Difficult for her on many levels.

I think a bit of planning could have gone into this.

Actually a lot of planning

I'm sorry.
I have to revisit this thread.

This is a personal opinion and I have to express at it.

I was extremely angry but that is no excuse for my harsh words.

I have a dear friend with a child of the same age and it hit me hard.

That is no excuse for my tirade

I apologise.

Cindy James
Global Moderator

Umm..... That was a bit unexpected Cindy.

Cindy thats's probably fair, I don't deserve any better. Feel free to delete this thread and ban me.

I'm going to try and bury this and that'll be the end of it. Thanks for the wake up call.

Cindy, WTF?

Wait!

I agree with the, "that was unexpected Cindy". 

Was this handled poorly Gemma_D?  Yes, you bet.  I had a real problem with being impulsive myself that let me do some really stupid things along with diving into situations I didn't prepare for.  Take this and learn from it.  And I'll say, this one time anyway, ignore Cindy.  I'm here wondering if her account was hacked?

Wow, I've never seen you go off on anyone Cindy.

I agree that the timing was bad. But calling someone names? Isn't that against the rules of this forum too?

Gemma_D,

Coming out while your wife is pregnant is not exactly a good thing. It is not easy to carry a child to term and can be quite stressful.  Between morning sickness and all the little aches and pains throughout, I can understand your wife going off on you. Had you chosen a better time to come out, she may not have been as angry.  Above all else, no matter what you do, no matter what the outcome of a divorce if there is one, and if you should transition, your child has to come first. A child should know that no matter what happens, they are loved and they come home to a safe environment.

Oh, and many of the things your wife mentioned are very real fears that many of us have had to go though. so if you think you are just going to dive in without any planning, you will fail in a really epic way.

So, stop and think the next time you feel impulsive, because it's not just you that transitions, your family will too.

Is there context I'm missing?

The timing sucks.  We agree it seems on that.  But I recall hearing of transwoman colliding with themselves when their wives got pregnant because they, the transwoman, could never.  Couple that with being impulsive and you have the recipe for a mess.

I'm looking at this line as maybe, possibly as Cindy's trigger:

Quote from: Gemma_D on December 30, 2012, 03:11:11 AM
She never once mentioned how I feel or cope.. But I'm selfish.

OP, I saw your handle as viewing this thread, if in fact you are still here could you clarify?

I'll add that line I quoted doesn't sound good and leaves me unsettled.  But I would rather know more before jumping to conclusions.

Quote from: Cindy James on December 30, 2012, 04:28:49 AM
I'm sorry.
I have to revisit this thread.

This is a personal opinion and I have to express at it.

I actually thought exactly the same!!

Well regardless of her bad timing, I don't think she did anything so bad that she deserves to be treated with downright cruelty.

Quote from: Misato33 on December 30, 2012, 06:04:39 AM
when their wives got pregnant because they, the transwoman, could never. 

That's a bit of a silly thing to say, isn't it? Conceiving a baby as a cisman is the most masculine thing a cisman can do in his life.

So, if you feel you're a woman then how can you live with that?

Quote from: ~RoadToTrista~ on December 30, 2012, 06:19:14 AM
Well regardless of her bad timing, I don't think she did anything so bad that she deserves to be treated with downright cruelty.

I don't either.

Quote from: Dahlia on December 30, 2012, 06:25:52 AM
That's a bit of a silly thing to say, isn't it? Conceiving a baby as a cisman is the most masculine thing a cisman can do in his life.

So, if you feel you're a woman then how can you live with that?

Are you talking about those of us who have children who do transition?

I'm just sad someone may have been driven away from the site because of this.  I do think Gemma_D needed help and perspective.  If she's out there, alone now...

I'd of rather had her here venting vs. not.  Hopefully, if indeed gone, she'll still find clarity.

This feels like it could have been handled better.

I'm probably not reading/writing the best.  My cat had a major stinky throw up that woke me up extra early.  My point Dahlia, was I heard of people not equipped with a uterus getting upset/envious when someone who is equipped gets pregnant.  That was it.  But maybe I was in err for tring to make excuses for the OP.  Especially when I know nothing about having kids of my own.

Well, the timing was bad, for sure. Nonetheless, your desire to transition is selfish, just like ALL OF OURS. Admit it people, it is selfish to transition, and frankly, I'm not ashamed of it. My parents would be better off if I chose to just not go through with it, yet I still plan on it. We're all selfish in that regard. You're not a horrible person for deciding to go through with what would be right for you (although your timing could have been better).

However, I don't think your wife is completely in the right, either. She can be upset without ripping your head off. Plus, what does driving her and your son over a cliff have to do with anything? 

Quote from: Cindy James on December 30, 2012, 05:32:15 AM
And your attitude is about me me me.

Yes, because I can see how taking remorse over hurting someone else is a selfish attitude. (Sarcasm)

Quote from: DianaP on December 30, 2012, 06:43:57 AM
Plus, what does driving her and your son over a cliff have to do with anything? 

Yeah.  That's alarming too.

I know all too well what coming out, or even accidental discoveries, can do to a wife. Even to a wife that knew knew from day 1 of dating about your gender issues. On most points Gemma's wife is dead on target. Transitioning is not an easy decision to make and it especially is not easy to execute. I've been wrestling with the Cost-Benefit analysis for years. There is no good solution if the decision over transitioning is anything other than suicide or....

I also know pretty well how Cindy feels. I was similarly appaled hearing of a new member to my TG group in much the same situation, with child #2. It is not like the gender issue suddenly came up after the wife became pregnant. While I understand the whole "Let's try doing normal" routine well, do guy stuff, get married, maybe that will fix me. To the best of my knowledge neither hardly ever works, perhaps makes things worse. Especially since it is not just your life in the balance. Going as far thinking maybe a baby will fix me and within weeks do a 180 is totally selfish. Not well thought out at all.

Surprised by Cindy's bluntness - Yes
Disagree with her - No

Gemma, I'm not going to address your question directly. You have my support. You have a mess to work out, as many here have had to do. I hope you find a good solution. Hugs, Devlyn