I have a theory. Right now, it's not the way I look that's most keeping me from happily expressing myself the way I want to. It's the way a potential therapist will see me, and whether or not I'll be seen as "really" trans enough to transition. That's likely the source of my worry.

Quote

QuoteIs it normal for people to feel good on some days and not care about gender dysphoria and feel content or neutral as they are? Or do other people get this eddying waves feeling that some days are bad whereas some are bearable or ok or fine?

Sounds normal to me. If something inside us doesn't shut it off for awhile, we could go totally bonkers. Doesn't have to be an all or nothing thing. Other health issues are like that, too.

I can honestly say it's something that I worried about too. I used to be concerned I was the only FTM (or trans* person, for that matter) that had dysphoria that ebbed and flowed. Sometimes I'm neutral to having female anatomy and other times I can't stand it.  After reading these responses, I feel so much better. It's so amazing to know I'm not alone, since for many years I felt like I was on my own little trans-island.

Quote from: Trixie on February 27, 2013, 04:48:35 PM
I have a theory. Right now, it's not the way I look that's most keeping me from happily expressing myself the way I want to. It's the way a potential therapist will see me, and whether or not I'll be seen as "really" trans enough to transition. That's likely the source of my worry.

I have that worry a lot, too. Even though I've wanted to transition for a really long time, I've never been able to see a therapist about it. I really worry that a therapist might write me off as 'normal' and I'll be stuck this way. It's not that I doubt myself so much. It's more that I worry that other people will doubt me.

Quote from: Trixie on February 27, 2013, 04:48:35 PM
I have a theory. Right now, it's not the way I look that's most keeping me from happily expressing myself the way I want to. It's the way a potential therapist will see me, and whether or not I'll be seen as "really" trans enough to transition. That's likely the source of my worry.

I have that fear too. It makes feel like there are right and wrong answers, but really she's been helpful and I'm starting to trust her a little more. I will be devestated if they deny me.

I do sometimes, but like others have said, if I had full-blown gender dysphoria 24/7, I'd be in a room with padded walls and doors that only locked from the outside.

Well I have definitely went through the roller coaster of emotions and doubt due to transitioning. I never completely hated and despised my male body; I was more neutral with it like you described. I first had thoughts that confused me about my gender when I was around 7 or 8 and throughout my teenage years I repressed these thoughts and did everything possible to try and live my life as a "straight male".

I played basketball 3 out of the 4 seasons and I did track in the off season to stay in better shape and I enjoyed being competitive and being able to play physical in that aspect, but I didn't fit in otherwise with other males. I didn't date until I was 17 and once I started dating, I think it just added to my dysphoria, especially when I was in a committed relationship. I could tolerate playing that straight male role for a while, but once I got farther into a serious relationship, I subconsciously was extremely bothered by pretending to be someone I'm not.

When I first decided to transition, I was excited and extremely motivated and when more and more time went by, I was able to think things through better and I realized how big of a decision I truly made. That freaked me out a little bit and I considered the thought that maybe I wasn't actually trans and I just needed to try being a straight male again and find some other sort of outlet. It felt as if I was arguing with myself and I was tearing myself apart, but for myself I understood that transition is right for me and I used key thoughts and events to push me forward again. I constantly remind myself of when I was really young(like 9) I would pray to God at night to wake up a little girl in the morning and wouldn't know exactly why, it just felt right at the moment, or why I would wear my mothers clothing when she wasn't around and it made me happy.

I'm at about 5 months of hormones now and I still have doubts from time to time, and I worry about my transition way more than I should, but I'm just going to keep pushing along and doing my very best to be honest with myself. I look at myself and I ask if I'd be happier as a female or a male and the answer is really obvious for me. You're not alone, just be honest with yourself and you will get through everything! I wish you the best!

Emma

Every time I start to doubt myself, I always think about the two weeks after I made the discovery that I was trans. I figure that if I wasn't, then I wouldn't have been spending those two weeks nearly constantly bawling my eyes out about it. All I have to do is remember the pain that I was in during that time, and what the source of that pain was, and all my doubts disappear. If I wasn't really trans, then I wouldn't be feeling so hurt about it.

Also, no therapist worth their salt should be judging you. There should be no 'trans enough' for them. If there is, then you need to find another therapist. I'd shopped around and went through three or four therapists before I settled on the one that I got, and she's really really good. She's sympathetic, knowledgeable, supportive and helpful. If you're not happy with the therapist you're with it might be worth your time to see if you can find another.

The thing that confirmed it for me was the going round in circles. Thing is everybody has fantasies (i only use the term fantasies loosly in this context). But generally these are fleeting thoughts that may hang around for a bit when they come up. However they generally go away not coming back. With The trans thing i had at one point thought it was that, but the fact is it kept coming back around. As i said before stronger than before. This is really what confirmed it for me. Having it come around again and again said ok this is not fantasy its reality so you had better deal with it. And now i am.

Quote from: Shannon1979 on February 28, 2013, 08:37:36 AM
The thing that confirmed it for me was the going round in circles.

I think the going round in circles is very common.  The self doubt and self examination along with the shame is all part of the problem.  It's all stuff that needs to be examined with a therapist's help.

BTW Shannon, I love your new avatar, very cute outfit.

Colleen.

Quote from: AwishForXX on February 28, 2013, 11:00:45 AM

BTW Shannon, I love your new avatar, very cute outfit.

Colleen.

Thank you. Have become a big fan of primark. as long as your carefull what you choose you can get some good stuff for not a lot. The dress was only £7.

Yes, I constantly have these nagging thoughts too.

I was a classic case. Started dressing at 10 and kept doing so ever more elaborately into adulthood.

The first psychologist that I went to 4-years ago told me (after three sessions) that I would transition fully. That came as a surprise, as I really didn't know what I said to lead her to that conclusion.

I started taking oestrogen a year ago (after seeing psychiatrist and endo), which lasted for 5-months. Now I'm back on it again. So, no, HRT will not stop to the nagging doubts.

One thing I have realised is that however much I may want to transition I don't have the strength or courage to do so. I just can't see it happening for many (mostly external) reasons. At best, I think I'll have to settle for something in between. I don't know. I really don't.

I feel that all this indecision about my gender is negatively affecting my life. And because I feel this way, I think that obsessing over my gender is trivial. And when I think this way, I think about the number of times I've mentally constructed suicide letters to family members.

Where to now, I wonder?

Yes but that's mostly just me trying to get out of it.

Quote from: ~RoadToTrista~ on March 01, 2013, 06:12:35 AM
Yes but that's mostly just me trying to get out of it.

Your comment is where my inner dialogue starts in regards to transitioning. What if I'm just obsessing about being female for reasons other than being born with the wrong body (I can think of many)? That is, how can I trust that my thoughts are a true reflection of my gender and not some fantasy generated by other means?

I consider my gender dysphoria to be the greatest challenge that I've ever faced. But it's a challenge that I also resent, as it takes up far too much of my time.

YES! I am exactly the same way. More often than not I don't really care as much about being a guy. Not that I like it but it doesn't bother me as much. It's like I'm neautral to a little unhappy as a male but happy as a female. I always wonder if I'm really trans. I assure myself I am every single day but I don't really do too much to reinforce it. I often go weeks in guy mode, with maybe a little break on a weekend when I'm still out as a man anyway. I'm rarely like my avatar. I even grew my mustache periodically until I started laser hair removal. My good friend who's also m-f seems to be more "into" it than I am but there are times we're two guys hanging out. So you're not alone here. You know who you are and that's it.

At this point I tend to use it to my advantage. What gets me through the day is looking forward to living full time as a woman. In the meantime I'm taking hormones, training my voice, and letting my identity develop. I see my progress and downfalls, what I need to work on and how. I'm being nice and patient, savoring the time and using it wisely. Like making BBQ smoked pork. If you can be patient, the end result is optimized. I guess it's a good way to look at it. I see it all too often, especially in the business and financial world, when people really want the end result, and they get greedy and rush it. Sure disaster.

Quote from: lydia_s on March 01, 2013, 08:34:12 AM
More often than not I don't really care as much about being a guy. Not that I like it but it doesn't bother me as much. It's like I'm neautral to a little unhappy as a male but happy as a female. I always wonder if I'm really trans. I assure myself I am every single day but I don't really do too much to reinforce it. I often go weeks in guy mode, with maybe a little break on a weekend when I'm still out as a man anyway.

I identify with this a lot. I assume that everyone of every sex and gender goes through periods when they're not thinking about themselves in terms of gender and how they present themselves publicly, or even privately -- you just be, is, am, are... whatever. I think the point of difference between the myriad of genders and the normalised male/female binary is lifetime of cultural and societal influences.

That said, I have a son and he, I believe, genuinely gravitates toward more traditional boyish interests. I had this chat with my very knowledgeable, worldly, amiable and understanding female GP (a rare combination of positives for a GP) a while back. She said that despite her not intuitively or professionally buying into gender roles, she couldn't help but notice that quite often babies do show such inclinations. It vexes her.

I feel the same thing.

OMG thank god for this thread ive been freaking the last 2 months or so complete sudden onset from such a solid state of mind.  well suppose freaking is a bit strong more like creatively ruminating on transition with  intense moments.   I am 6 months HRT.  i think a large portion of my trigger that started my doubting chaos had to do with mental state i have these moments where i feel and perceive my physical body as totally female, and i'm happy ect then other moments it seems like my mind is having trouble letting go of the facade it has portrayed for so many years and that "residual self image gets stuck on man" so to speak and i get depressed or start questioning the whole process.  I Had my dysphoria as long as i can remember much stronger when i was younger and more indifferent as i got older.  but once i started HRT really realized how much dysphoria i have had all along.   Not to mention noticing areas not changing really causes a good bout of dysphoria now.  I know alot of people worry about passing or not passing but i think in terms of transition at least for me the greatest challenge is my body passing to my own mind everyone else can shove off.  things being all wonky with " my mind trying to pass to my own mind" doesn't help one bit haha  but hey at least everyone i know sees the real me even under the cloak of masculinity.   Another thing I have learned is that the internal battle is worst when the external battle is frightening.  femininity is my heart and masculinity my defense.  so when im scared  its all fight Super Ego time and that just gets really confusing.  I had a spout at one time were i lost site of what the illusion was being a girl or being a guy.  that was at about 1 month pre-hrt  i was living at home full time and switching for work.  same spell and thoughts hit at about 3 months too when i started essentially full half time public and all.  ended with my employer getting a surprise at the end of the day but he already knew what i was going through just no advanced warning on coming to work as a female really made for a interesting look on his face.