I've always known since my first real memories and realizations of gender, somewhere around the age of four or five. In fairy tales I found myself identifying more with the princess than the prince. I used to hate getting my haircut like a boy. Would even cry and throw tantrums, when I was young of course. Due to spiritual beliefs though (my own dealing with choices) I try to allow both sides coexist equally and give them equal time for expression. I would love to wake up on morning and realize that the outside has conformed to the inner desire. Due to a belief in reincarnation, I never ever want to be a physical male again, no matter how slight the chances. This is just for me though, we all have different paths and what's meant for me isn't meant for everyone.

It's strange though, before puberty I was often mistaken for a girl even with short hair. Now though, my voice if talking on a radio or telephone I'm often called ma'am which is extremely satisfying. My body fat to muscle ratio, not skeletal though, is more in line of that of a female. My face isn't overly masculine, my legs without hair look more femine than they should as a guy. I have extremely small wrists and with nail polish on, my hands look feminine my feet too, even though I wear a size 101/2 in women's. Maybe the Universe is trying to tell me something? Or has already told me something.

Quote from: Catherine Sarah on February 21, 2013, 08:45:42 AM
May be worth while to have a chat with a counsellor or therapist who understands TG matters and see if they can throw some light on your particular circumstances.

Not wanting to be contrary, Catherine, but could you, perhaps, offer some insights on how you would approach determining which counselors or therapists indeed do understand such matters?

I ask because I had one who seems to claim to do so, but I still have profound doubts that he really did, especially now, after meeting my son's gender therapist, who seems to be much less grasping at opportunities to discount or reinterpret things.

At the time (at least early in my therapy sessions) I tended to assume he was being responsible. And of course one of the sources of doubt for me has long been that I had lived much of my life so far androgynously, so there was a part of me that was quite willing to consider alternatives and other ways to interpret my experience, even though, in retrospect, I tend to see that as a wasted effort (and one that caused a lot of distress, as I began to feel that no matter how clear I tried to be with him, he just was not "getting it" in the same way I was. Eventually I did come to correct much of the stuff I felt he was feeding me or coaching me with, but it played no small part in the disintegration of what had been a very happy relationship for me with my partner (female) at the time, to feel that I was going from knowing who I was to feeling pressured to doubt, reinterpret and otherwise try to accept things that I tend to think now were projections from my therapist.  (He did note, at other points -- in the context of doing Eye-Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy, that I was exceptionally suggestible, which I unfortunately did not interpret as a red flag at the time, at least not on the surface... there were many, many doubts, deep down, and I had an intuitive  sense that something was very wrong, but was too compliant and/or circumspect to trust my own intuitions at that time.

Quote from: holly_ on February 20, 2013, 09:32:46 PM
I am MtF, 27 years old and I am just now starting to think about transitioning.  I've known almost my whole life that I was "different" but I still played societies game and tried to be male.  I actually didn't really know until a few months ago that its quite possible to transition very successfully.  For the longest time I always thought that I was permanently trapped in this male body and there was nothing at all I could do about it.  I am so happy that I got the courage to start doing more research online about being transgendered.  I got a lot of inspiration from the MtF transition videos on youtube and I was like "I could do that and be happy too!".   Every day I think about transitioning but its going to take a lot of time and effort.. must take baby steps!

It took 27 years to actually accept myself about being transgendered.  I always tried to hide it hoping it would just go away.  But, it hasn't.  And now its time to do something about it.

Wow... that is pretty much my EXACT story, word-for-word, including being the exact same age.

You know, though, in my case, things really have gotten a bit worse for me in recent weeks. It's mainly because I'm getting really depressed and down on myself about how I look. When I see girls with their lack of brow-bossing, and who don't have the big pointy nose and the big pointy chin, and who have a beautiful head full of long hair so naturally, and who actually have feminine hips and a butt, and small shoulders and slender arms, I've just become SO jealous recently. I think the real problem is just that I currently do not have a "girl mode" that looks good enough, as such I'm too scared to actually take mine outside, since, as my roommate put it, I still pretty much just look like a "guy in a wig." So it's my dysphoria talking. It really gets me down, because I really don't want to have to put on makeup and a wig and do all of these conscious-effort things to look like a woman at all, I just want to look like one naturally. These feelings come and go in cycles, mainly depending on how much faith I have in the effectiveness of HRT. On the days where I can focus on my slimming waist, and newly-budding breasts, and soft skin, and younger-looking face, it doesn't bother me as much. But on the days when I have doubts, when I get stuck in self-defeating mindsets about how I'm NEVER going to get certain features, I have seriously felt so bad that I've just laid in bed crying all day. I haven't done that since like high school, which was the time during my life that my gender identity issues were at their absolute worst.

So, yeah... I do feel worse sometimes, just because I'm constantly jealous of all of the feminine features that I don't have yet, and I SO want to just be able to go out as a girl and be myself, but I really can't yet because I still have such a huge fatty upper body, and a hundred other features that are working against me. The thing that keeps me going, though, and constantly keeps me from giving up, is HRT. Because there is one thing that I DO know that never changes. These hormones really are what my mind should have been on for my entire life. My mind has NEVER felt so right before. When I cry, it actually makes me happy, because I can say "OMG, I'm actually crying! Real tears! I can finally cry! I've never been so happy in my entire life!" (yeah, doesn't make much sense... ) And on the days where I really do feel good, I feel SO good that it's worth putting up with the bad days. And I love the soft skin, and the feeling of cleanness, and the increasingly-feminine features so much, I'm never going back to normal male hormones no matter what. So that is a constant comfort. That I really do not have to worry. It's a gradual process. And since I'm so convicted about staying on the hormones, it really is true, I'm going to have a COMPLETELY different body by this time next year. And even though my current lack of a "girl mode" completely sucks, and knowing how long that it's going to take just drives me up the wall sometimes, because now that I've finally embraced my transsexuality I want it NOW, being so early in HRT does still give me hope, especially since it has already worked wonders in its first month and a half. I just HATE having to wait so long. It's probably going to be another four months or so before the "real" changes start and I can actually start seeing a girl in the mirror.

I know who I am now. I'm a girl. I always have been, and always will be. And every day that I know that, and yet my physical reality does not match it, and other people can't even see it, I feel like total crap. So yeah. HRT, hurry up, damn it!!! All of this uncertainty and all of this waiting is really driving me up the wall!

cheetaking243,

I also get jealous too about how other girls look and it can disgust me how my body looks.  But there is hope.  The lady in my avatar is Jamie Clayton, a MtF transsexual.  I have her set as an avatar here so whenever I feel depressed I just look at how beautiful she is and say "it's possible!".

Also, congrats on being on HRT for 1.5 months!  I'm not even on HRT yet.  It must feel amazing!  And you are right, once I came out to myself and was true to myself I just wanted it to happen like RIGHT NOW.  But now I'm learning I must take small steps but eventually we will get there.

funny that this post came up cause i was thinking today about how after i became aware that i am trans all my dysphoria got worse. i hated my appearance more. etc etc.

Quote from: holly_ on February 27, 2013, 03:42:15 PM
cheetaking243,

I also get jealous too about how other girls look and it can disgust me how my body looks.  But there is hope.  The lady in my avatar is Jamie Clayton, a MtF transsexual.  I have her set as an avatar here so whenever I feel depressed I just look at how beautiful she is and say "it's possible!".

Also, congrats on being on HRT for 1.5 months!  I'm not even on HRT yet.  It must feel amazing!  And you are right, once I came out to myself and was true to myself I just wanted it to happen like RIGHT NOW.  But now I'm learning I must take small steps but eventually we will get there.

It does feel amazing when I'm able to focus on the things that HAVE changed. When I think about how amazingly "right" I feel in my head, and about how much I love the things like the smooth skin and the little breast buds and how my body hair is slowly sloughing away, I feel great!

But it does NOT feel amazing when I start focusing on all of the things that have NOT changed yet, and especially when I focus on my weight. (250 lbs... blegh!) It was much easier to ignore these things before starting HRT, because I had pretty much given up hope of ever liking how I looked, and thus I pretty much stopped caring about my body. But suddenly the early stages of transitioning have opened up my world to the possibilities, and HRT finally made me start feeling "right" in my head for the first time, so now when I look at my body, I REALLY care all of a sudden, and that increased self-awareness really makes me feel like crap sometimes. My mind now feels pretty much 100% female after a month and a half on HRT, but my body is still like 70% male, mainly because of all of the horrible fat that's in all of the wrong places, so it really gets me depressed. And HRT has actually made it MUCH harder to deal with these thoughts. My body image has seriously taken a nosedive in the last month or so, because it's now in such conflict with how I feel in my head. On the one hand, it is REALLY motivating me to diet and exercise, because I really can't stand the sight of myself in recent weeks, but on the other hand it really makes me feel awful in the meantime, because there's such a conflict between the self in my head and the self in the physical reality of the world.

I have all the confidence in the world that it really is going to work, and that I'm going to be a knockout once the weight has come off and the hormones have done their thing. But in the meantime, while I'm still stuck as a fat slightly-feminized guy, it REALLY sucks. And again, starting transition, and seeing just how much my body is fighting against me having a decent "girl mode," has only made me hate my body even more.

I knew at 6 or 7 and planned to mutilate myself then but did not. I have been a person in hiding and self hate and considered myself a deviate and could not stop feeling female. Now at 50, I put my family into a bad situation due to my inability to face me, the real me. I have truly screwed things up.

I accepted myself 3 months ago. Just when I do something to wright the ship another wave hits. I resolve or come to terms and then another issue comes. I am learning and reading about TG and TG experiences. Sometimes I get emotional when reading when I am or will be dealing with what the author is telling. I put down the book and think to later continue reading about an experience.

I think the issues continue and my ability to address the issues in a constructive way increases. I do not think the process stops till you are done ( when are you ever done? I do not know).

The key I think it to build capacity in dealing with your issues. Build and grow; for me learning to be honest and not hide. Being me and happy are keys to my future.

I came to acknowledge I am TG and Bi when I wrote down my life experiences with others. A flood of things were coming back. After two pages of things I read what I wrote and said I am TG and Bi. Why I wrote the life experience list is because my wife asked me why I never initiate sex and she has to initiate sex. She then said it is because she is ugly. I told her she is beautiful and it was me. It tore me up inside for two weeks then on 12/5/2012 I made the list. On 12/12/12 I made an appointment to intake. I found Susan's Place and the caring people here anchored me till 12/19/2012 and my intake. My ability to cope with the pain was overwhelmed and I was on the edge. I am developing coping mechanisms for the future waves to come. Funny thing is today a flood of early memories of my teens and early 20's was remembered. I would not have made it in to days world of HIV.

I can not change the past. I am dealing with me better today and hopefully the future is better even still.

Thank you for sharing your somewhat painful journey Cynthia. You've done the hardest part in admitting who the real you is.

Just remember, what has happened to date, has not been a deliberate effort on your behalf to hurt, destroy or otherwise create pain for those near and dear. Therefore, you can't be held to blame. It's called "conditional reality," most of society live in it. It's our coping mechanism to get through the rough bits of life. Take it easy on yourself, you're doing a good job so far.

Huggs
Catherine

It was certainly a lot easier when I was cross-dressing behind closed doors. Realising that the dressing was an expression of something deeper has caused me all manner of heartache.

Cheetaking,
Your situation sounds so much like my own. I also find myself jealous of the girls, and wishing I naturally looked like them. I too have the same weight problem. For years, I've neglected taking care of myself, because although I hated how I looked, I simply didn't see the point. "I'm a wretched, ugly guy and will always be one, so why bother?" Once I realized I didn't have to be, I felt so different. On one hand, I now have this sense of hope I didn't have before, yet on the other, I'm even more bothered by my body now. I don't have quite as much worry about passing, if only because about half of the strangers I encounter downtown already address me as "miss." I doubt that will occur as much once it warms up, though. Besides my weight, my beard also bothers me.

I think I understand about being happy to cry. I often feel like I have so much pain or stress or anger bottled up inside, eating me from within, yet I can't seem to let it out. I used to be able to cry all the time when I was younger, but as of late, the tears just won't come. I want to cry, but can't. I miss that. To be able to get it all out of your system when you need to would definitely make me a lot happier.

I'm not on HRT or anything. I've only begun to accept of all this about myself, and I still need to find a therapist. That's my next goal. One step at a time.

Came back to this thread because two comments hit a note with me.

First off, the biggest hell with me, is weight on the waist. I am so totally having trouble moving forward because I so hate my current weight (as I type 226 is my normal).

It is really bumming me out.

Second comment is from Jen. Thanks to fybromyalgia in the 90s, I know precisely the feeling of emotionally dead inside, the inability to cry, the feeling like nothing at all will make tears come. Man I never wish to feel that pain again.

There's no reason to think this will help you like it help me, but hey can't hurt to offer eh. Anime. Yes I said anime. You might not have seen any and that would not be odd really. But it is easy to find. Netflix has it, you can find it on a site called Crunchyroll too. Look for silly funny romance series. Don't even care what other think eh, screw them. Don't even care if it seems too 'kiddie' if you think along those lines.

The shows unlocked something for me. Not sure how but who cares eh.

I love watching them and having a good cry when I need to. You can find a lot of very intense romantically involving shows. Of course anime covers a vast array of types.

Anyway, it's just an idea.

I have to keep fighting the weight fight. Can't really stop, as I am against shopping in plus sized stores for women. Nope, I want to wear ordinary fashions damn it.

Quote from: Elspeth on February 20, 2013, 09:53:37 PM
My son just sent this to me... it's beautiful, and not solely for transfolk, but for all the people who are in a kind of pain not of their own choosing, whatever the "reasons" might be.  Also about bullying, which I have to assume is an experience many of us share, but ultimately about finding inner strength and beauty.

To This Day Project - Shane Koyczan

my girlfriend showed me this the other day as well. it almost brought tears to my eyes. that is a very powerful video.

Quote from: lawliver on March 02, 2013, 08:14:22 AM
my girlfriend showed me this the other day as well. it almost brought tears to my eyes. that is a very powerful video.

I just watched that video and its really good.  Brought tears to my eyes too.  So sad how bullying continues to happen every day

Sky, I never knew I was female until I was nearly fifty-seven. The feelings I had ran through out my life but I never knew why.I never put on an article of women's clothing nor had feminine feelings. When one day nearly eight years ago those feelings rose up within me. With some counseling it was revealed that I was a crossdresser. After a several weeks and some deep soul search I accepted myself. After some research I realized that I was transgender.

Self acceptance is the first toward self-discovery. No one can live life for you. Society and others' opinions and biases should not keep you from being your authentic self. I can say that I've never been happier.

Quote from: gennee on March 02, 2013, 07:58:46 PM
Sky, I never knew I was female until I was nearly fifty-seven. The feelings I had ran through out my life but I never knew why.I never put on an article of women's clothing nor had feminine feelings. When one day nearly eight years ago those feelings rose up within me. With some counseling it was revealed that I was a crossdresser. After a several weeks and some deep soul search I accepted myself. After some research I realized that I was transgender.

Self acceptance is the first toward self-discovery. No one can live life for you. Society and others' opinions and biases should not keep you from being your authentic self. I can say that I've never been happier.

I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one. I doubt myself because I just think Im crazy; I don't have anything in common with stereotypical trans experiences.

I just wish I could get hrt...I don't know if I can being in such a small town...I feel pretty hopeless right now.