If he feels like he is straight woman, then he would be attracted to men. He needs to understand that you are a straight woman and attracted to men and not women.

If he is truly transgendered I don't think that he can continue to suppress his feelings at least without dealing with them and therapy would probably help him explore is internal issues. He definitely should not prohibit you from going to therapy if you want to. Most people have problems that would benefit from some type of therapy.

This must be very difficult for you and I wish you the very best.

Thank you. It does seem like he thinks people can control their sexuality, or I should at least try to be gay because I love him. However, I married him because he is a man. As horrible as this may sound to some people, if I had known he feels the way he does, I would not have married him because I am straight. I married a man.

I don't want to bully him into going to therapy because that wouldn't do anybody any good. I just don't know how to get through to him. He wants me to trust him when he says that this is over, but it's hard to believe him when this isn't something that just goes away. He mentioned when he questioned whether our oldest daughter was actually his, he eventually trusted me when I said she is (I was pretty closed off and miserable for quite a while, and he figured I was cheating on him). The difference there is that it can be scientifically proven that our daughter is his, whereas it can't be proven that he is okay with being male when he clearly feels female.

There's a major difference between him accusing you of cheating because you were acting distant and you being unable to trust that this will just "go away".  His accusation was not only unfounded, but about a past event. This is about the future. Gender issues almost never go away without some kind of change--in thinking, in the clothes he wears, in the way he identifies and is treated, in the way his body is. The best way he could convince you that he doesn't need to transition is to see a therapist about it--maybe you could say that to him.

As a side note, him accusing you of cheating rather than asking you what was going on and listening when you were distant and unhappy is another giant red flag. I'm not saying that he's emotionally abusive, but he seems very controlling... and the more you describe the way he treats you, the more concerned I am for you.

Like I said before, there is nothing wrong with being straight and knowing what you need from a relationship. It's not transphobic to not be attracted to women. You can explore how flexible your boundaries are (and let him know that you're willing to see what your limits are), but ultimately, your needs are what they are.

He has been emotionally abusive in the past and I seriously thought he had changed, but it appears not...

Quote from: kimboto_1 on March 12, 2013, 07:40:16 PM
He has been emotionally abusive in the past and I seriously thought he had changed, but it appears not...

My wife often says "People don't change.... Maybe not ever, even if they really want to"

Please don't take this as excusing his behaviour, just a general observation. Many T* overcompensate so as to "not blow their cover". Being emotionally, even physically abusive to women, is just "what a real man does" (Inside baseball analysis) There is a myth(?) in the guy world, that the more you abuse a woman, the more she will want you. It plays on our need to nurture and fix them.

To me this pattern of his speaks loudly of YOUR need to see a therapist. F' him! Yes, he should go. But that SHOULD NOT DICTATE what YOU DO. His being controlling and emotionally abusive may be signs of other things wrong, but (figuratively speaking) are you supposed to be the dog he comes home to kick?

Try to forget any of the trans stuff ever happened. If he said to you, "Honey, I think I need to see a therapist....." would your reaction be No F'n Way! You don't need to. Everything is fine. Forget that crap about me ______ ever happened. It's all over. Never again. Or would you encourage him to? It can difficult as a woman not to fall into a codependent lifestyle. It is our nature to want to stick around and fix things.

Your needs are just as important as his. That is if you wish to see the relationship as an equal partnership. What has happened cannot be erased. There are no do-overs. You cannot simply forget or pretend the past 2 months was a phase or a lark. His feelings were and still are very real.

There have been a few times over the past 4 years I wish I could call a do-over. But life doesn't work that way. The pain was real, the scars take a long time to heal. I worry tons more about my wife's feelings then my own. I also pray she does not not put my feelings above her needs without us first having (many) discussions over whatever. I'll know eventually if she did foresake her needs over mine. That I cannot allow without us BOTH agreeing to it. Likely not at all under those circumstances. You have real worries and concerns for him as well as for yourself. In life, there is only ONE of those two you can really hope to fix, your life.

The rest is ultimately up to him.

When I got home today, I saw that he got a hair cut (a male haircut) and took his earrings out. I asked him if he was okay and he said he wasn't happy with my decision. Then I said maybe we need to go to therapy and he said 'maybe YOU need to go to therapy'. I'm at the point now, where if he doesn't go get help, then I think it would be best if we do a trial separation. That would give him some time to figure out what he wants. I will still be supportive of him in his decision, I just don't want to be in a relationship with a woman because I am straight and always will be. That's just who I am. I know who I am. He just needs to figure things out for himself. Everything's just so crazy :S

Quote from: kimboto_1 on March 14, 2013, 06:05:48 PM
When I got home today, I saw that he got a hair cut (a male haircut) and took his earrings out. I asked him if he was okay and he said he wasn't happy with my decision. Then I said maybe we need to go to therapy and he said 'maybe YOU need to go to therapy'. I'm at the point now, where if he doesn't go get help, then I think it would be best if we do a trial separation. That would give him some time to figure out what he wants. I will still be supportive of him in his decision, I just don't want to be in a relationship with a woman because I am straight and always will be. That's just who I am. I know who I am. He just needs to figure things out for himself. Everything's just so crazy :S

Honestly, it sounds like a trial separation might be a good idea regardless of his gender issues, considering the other problems you've mentioned before. It would also give him some time to reflect on what will actually make him happy. And you deserve to be happy, too. I think you're doing the right thing. You're a strong person!

Thanks, Brainiac!

I tried to deny my desire to transition to keep my marriage together- It was a horrible error that resulted in 4 more years of misery for both of us, then divorce anyway. Your husband's desire to transition will never go away... IMO you are both better off trying to amicably separate. Just my two cents...

http://www.explosm.net/comics/3111/

That pretty much sums up how I feel right now.

Wow that is the perfect comic for your situation, but I hope you stick with your guns and fight for your own happiness

Button.

I asked him again if he has given any more thought to counseling. He said he feels that he doesn't need it, but that maybe I should go since I am the one still hung up on this. I asked if he would be willing to go together, and he said yes. At least I have some sort of compromise here. I hope to start counseling soon and hope that even if things don't work out between us, that we can at least be amicable and possibly still be friends.

Anyone in a relationship doesn't transition alone, both partners do.

It sounds like you are definitely being manipulated by occaisionally being allowed to win the argument and feel it is worth staying around.  Unfortunatley if your partner is truly trans then it can't "go away" or be ignored for long, without consequences. 

Seeing a therapist sounds positive, if your partner is truly prepared to be open and totally honest.  Unfortunately whatever happens unless you are both able to be flexible will involve pain for someone.  Hugs sis.

Karen.

 

I am glad that he reports to be willing to see a therapist, and I hope he does follow through. Even so, it sounds like a trial separation might be a good idea. ( I am also wondering whether he agreed the therapist after he found out about your plans for the separation; that would fit with his previous pattern.) Good luck.

I didn't mention leaving, but I'm sure he had an idea what I was thinking of doing...I spoke with his mother today, and I found out he's been lying to her. He said I gave him an ultimatum of either being transgender and losing his family or being unhappy and 'normal' and having a family. He also told her that I am the one refusing to go to therapy. I did not give him an ultimatum. I am not threatening him in any way. I just want us both to be happy and I am the one encouraging HIM to go to therapy because HE is the one refusing to go.

She also told me that she asked him how he was doing and he said that he is just going to have to be unhappy forever and pretend to be normal in order to have his family.

She also told me a lot of things from his past, like how he would manipulate his family and pit people against each other. He has done similar things to me as well. Guess some people really don't change....

I am so furious right now. My mind is made up- Separation it is, but I still want to go to therapy before I leave. I want him to know why I am leaving. When we have arguments, he is always right and I am always wrong. There is no arguing with him. We need someone to mediate our conversations so that I can get my say in things.

I think his problems are more deeper than just transgender issues. Them problems need to be addressed first and then his transgender issues. I hope he will listen to you and get the help he desperately needs. You can sit there and keep denying and lying about things, but it only makes the matter worse. I think it would do you  both good for a trial separation so he get his life back in order and see where he needs to go with his life. You need the same things. Good luck

You have every right to be furious, and as usual I think you're doing the right thing! A good couple's therapist will mediate those conversations and try to make sure he listens to you (which it sounds like he doesn't...). I'm really sorry that he's been lying about what's going on--I'd feel pretty betrayed if I found that out. I really hope he gets some understanding of why you need things to change, not only for your sake, but for the sake of everyone he has any kind of relationship with.

I also totally agree with Chloe23--this manipulation and lying is something that needs to be dealt with if he wants to continue to be in a relationship with you, regardless of the trans stuff. He's bullying you, and that's not acceptable. Best of luck!