I just felt like reporting this story. I don't know who it might help, or even what the point is in sharing it, but I just had to get it out of me while it's still fresh in my mind.

Today I finally went out in public fully dressed in my "girl mode" for the very first time, after two whole months of HRT and an entire lifetime of wishing that I could... 14 years of wanting to, and I finally did it for the first time tonight.

So, today was the first of 2 consecutive days off from work for me. I've been feeling like going outside in "girl mode" pretty much ever since about the 1-month mark on HRT, but I just never seemed to actually do it on my days off, and then before I knew it it was back to work and another week of waiting before I'd have another chance. Well, last night I pretty much decided that today was the day. As I was replying to all of the amazing encouragement that I received on the "You Look Fabulous Darling" thread, I got really psyched up about going to Goodwill and shopping for some new clothes and shoes completely dressed as a woman, and finally able to shop in that section for as long as I wanted, able to try on as much as I wanted, without having to worry about the judgmental stares of others and the inevitable look in their eyes where you can just tell that they're asking themselves "why is a man shopping in the women's section?"

Well... unfortunately, the Goodwill trip still didn't pan out. I ideally wanted to go early in the day, before the store was too crowded, but I didn't wake up until almost 2 p.m., so that plan was shot from the very beginning. I kept telling myself "It's okay, you can still go even if it's crowded. Nobody will care." But even though I kept telling myself that, I still just kept putting it off and putting it off all the early-afternoon long, and by the time I was finally ready to shower and shave and pluck and get dressed so that I could get going, my roommate arrived home, blocking my car in the driveway, so my mind used that as an excuse to give up. I felt terrible about that... I was cursing myself all night, feeling so stupid, asking myself why I didn't just do it and get it out of the way, and why I always had to be so nervous about it, and why even though I wanted to do it SO badly, and that the real me was never going to even be born until I let her out in public, I still never did it.

Then, out of the blue a few hours later, Jenny said that she was going to head out, and go to the gym for a while. So there was still hope! I could still get my car out. Goodwill was now out of the question, because it was 8:00 at night and they were closed, but I still really felt like I just HAD to do it today, so my new plan was to go to Walmart and buy some steaks for dinner, and maybe go into the women's shoe area while I was there, since I own NO women's shoes whatsoever. (And Jenny's shoes are unfortunately about a size and a half too small, so I couldn't just borrow hers like I did with her old clothes.)

Anyway, at about 11:00 at night, after another three hours of procrastinating, I FINALLY decided "to hell with this. I'm sick of all of this waiting and uncertainty and being afraid and being cooped up in my room if I want to be my true gender. I'm going, damn it!!!" And so I dressed up in my full "girl mode," complete with tight v-neck blue shirt, my lone pair of women's jeans, my shoulder-length "Vera" wig with the little inward flip at the bottom, and a hoodie to keep me warm. And off I went, so excited that I was FINALLY going to be going out in public for the first time ever! I was so excited, and so full of confidence, and so ready...

And then, I saw all of the people coming in and out of the store's front door. And that quickly, any confidence that I had completely evaporated. "Oh my God, there's so many people!" I said to myself... and seeing that crowd made me feel like I was shrinking into being about two feet tall, feeling embarrassed to have even a single person looking at me. Suddenly, all of the things that I had been feeling confident about, felt like they didn't exist anymore. And suddenly all I could think about was my flaws... how my wig clearly didn't have a realistic skin part, and how people were going to be able to tell it was a wig.. how my face was still too masculine... how my back was too flat, and my shoulders too big, and how it was going to be immediately obvious to anyone who looked at me that I wasn't really a girl, and that I was just going to look stupid, and that fear absolutely consumed me, to the point that I actually started crying. "Why does this have to be so hard?" I asked myself. "Why can't I just be completely transitioned now, and not have to put up with this phase where my mind feels completely feminine and is dying to express myself, but my face and body are still too masculine, and people are going to be able to tell. This is so not fair..." And I just whined and whined, and moped and moped, and sat there having no idea what the hell I was going to do. I was seriously contemplating just giving up and going home. Because I knew, if I looked nervous, if I looked afraid, if I was constantly looking left and right at other people to see whether they were staring at me or not, people were going to pick up on that fear IMMEDIATELY, and I was going to have no chance to pass whatsoever. I had to be confident... walk in there like it was just another day in my life, like I always wear these things, like why would anyone be looking at me? I'm just a normal girl going about my daily business. That was the mindset I needed to have. And yet, every single time I even thought about stepping out of my parked car and actually going into the store, my heart just started beating like a kettle drum, and I could feel myself starting to freak out and panic.

Minutes passed, and I was still just sitting in the car, in full dress, there at the store, but still too scared to actually get out of the car. I pulled into the parking lot at 11:10. After seeing all of the people, I just sat there and waited. The next thing I knew it was 11:20. "Okay, maybe 11:30," I told myself. And the time kept slipping on by. People were getting into and out of their cars all around me, and lots of people looked at me, but never in a way that you wouldn't expect from any other random person that they were looking at. 11:30 came and went, and I still couldn't get myself to calm down or get the confidence to step outside. Then 11:45 came. I was still just sitting in the car doing nothing. And then finally, it was midnight. And finally, the parking lot was starting to clear out. And finally, I started to calm down, and started to genuinely feel like the time was nearing. After nearly just giving up and going back home like 4 straight times, but every time telling myself "NO!!! You're going to do this. TONIGHT! Otherwise you're just going to feel like crap tomorrow, wondering for one more day why you still haven't gone out in public."

And finally, at 12:03, after fifty-three straight minutes of just sitting in the car, I finally took a deep breath, and stepped into the outside world. And after all of this buildup, all of this panicking, all of these nitpicky worries where I was scared to death that various features of my appearance were going to give me away, all of the scary words about how "you're going to get clocked no matter what" going through my head and making me just feel like giving up, the trip inside of the store in "girl mode," my first ever time out in public, ended up being a complete non event. Not a single person looked at me funny for the entire 10 minutes or so that I was in the store. One person maybe looked in my direction a little longer than a normal person would, but when I turned around, they really didn't notice, and just kind of went about their business, so maybe they weren't really looking at me in the first place. One thing is for sure though. Not a single person gave me that double-take kind of look, or that crooked stare, the kind that makes it blatantly obvious that they're seeing something that looks weird and out-of-place to them. And the best part of the night was at the checkout. I've been to this same Walmart a hundred times, and worked at a Walmart myself, so I know full well how the cashiers usually greet people and talk to people and say goodbye to people. And a lot of time when there's someone that you can tell is a bit "off," there's a silence there. The cashiers won't talk to them as much, and there will be this subtle smile that they have where you can tell that they think you're funny. I didn't get that. She talked to me normally, responded to my "hellos" and "thank yous" and "don't worry about double-bagging the meat" as if she was just talking to any other normal customer, and that was that.

So that's my first time out dressed. And after months of worrying, weeks of wanting to do it and yet putting it off and putting it off, and a whole day of freaking out about all of the things that were wrong with my appearance, it ended up being a complete non-event. I didn't get a single funny look, not a single person laughed at me or pointed or did that "staring" kind of double-take. And that's it. That was my story. Make of it what you will.


(Side note: I did browse around the women's section for a while, but let's be honest, Walmart's clothes SUCK, so I couldn't find anything I wanted to buy. I did get a nice brownish-silver shoulder bag, though, so that should help add to my appearances in the future. That's another thing I was self-conscious about, was being the only woman in the store that didn't have a purse. Yeah... I know... that's stupid, and nobody even cares about stuff like that. But let's just be brutally honest, I have some SERIOUS self-confidence issues. And tonight only served to show me just how bad they really are. To my mind, it felt like every single set of eyes in the store were microscopes fixed on me, and every single person was going to immediately see every single one of my flaws and immediately clock me, no matter how ridiculous I know such thoughts are.)

First time is always rough. I remember sitting in the car for almost an hour. Most of it is in your head of course 

Grats on pulling through!

Congrats Carrie - our own fears keep us locked up, and when we overcome them it's liberating.

I had the same issue with getting out of the car the first time I went out dressed and it took some haranguing of myself to make me get out of that car. Like you no one even looked at me all evening; it was a non-event as far as all of the things i had dreamed up in my mind.

And the next time it gets easier 

Congrats, Carrie! Though it seems a non-event in that moment it's still a huge moment. Good for you for getting out of the car and doing it. That's such a big thing, like Cesar crossing the Rubicon. I had my first time out with friends this weekend, it was at a gay dance night at a local club, so passability wasn't necessary but I did manage to swing some pretty nice eye makeup and come out to a group of friends that I'd been far too intimidated to talk to before, so that felt amazing. I'm so glad you took that first step and can't wait to hear about your next adventures in girl-mode.

Fantastic Carrie!!!!

Well done honey. That is marvellous. You are very brave and very strong and don't beat yourself up thinking you are not!!

Self confidence issues? Geex woman every single on ofe us have gone through that, everyone of us.

I remember parking the car taking two steps then going back thinking OK that's enough brave for tonight.

I remember being sick with fear.

I was never as brave as you!!

You have done really well. And the next time is even easier!

You seem to know the big secret, never look at people to see if they are looking at you. It makes people look at you.  It is body language communication.

And relax. Ye OK easy for me to say but it is part of what we have to learn, we are normal woman and we have a right to be ourselves.

You are wonderful!



Hugs

Cindy

Good job. I remember the first time i went out out (not in the safe confines of school). I went to the movie theater with another ftm my age. Didn't really have a choice to sit in the car, since it was..not a date, but more of a promise to go see a movie together, each of us dressed up. After we purchased our tickets, a few stares from the counter person, but w/e. Didn't follow us, kick us out, didn't see him when we left, so all was well.

Now that a few years have passed since then and I haven't really gone out, back to the first day jitters feeling.

congrats hun, it's a big step *hugs*

Congratulations, Carrie. I think you just passed the hardest test, going out for the first time dressed as the real you! You've got plenty of other things that will mess your hair for the first few times, like using the ladies room for the first time, buying bras and panties for the first time and buying your first really cute dress, but it's all a learning process we all have to go through. Someday you'll look back at all these rites of passage with a smile. The first time I used the ladies room I was already living full time, but I was still so scared I almost waited too long! I was wearing a dress and pantyhose, too, and almost wet them before I got them down. Carrie, I found that getting a subscription to Vogue or Elle or another fashion magazine will help you with ideas on how to put a wardrobe together. I've also found that using a color wheel, which shows what colors go with each other, can be very useful. The very first thing I did after my first estradiol shot was getting my ears pierced. That really made me feel more feminine. I wore the starter studs for nearly a month, always touching them, thinking, "in a few weeks I'll be wearing new earrings I bought for myself!" Each time you go out now will be easier, girl, till it will be nothing at all.

Quote from: Miranda Elizabeth on March 23, 2013, 11:23:07 PM
You've got plenty of other things that will mess your hair for the first few times, like using the ladies room for the first time, buying bras and panties for the first time...

Well, actually, I bought both of those WAY before I even started transitioning in the first place. I've actually been wearing panties full-time since like October of 2011, because I find them much more comfortable. So that's not really an issue. I am still a bit scared about actual clothes shopping, though. It's one thing to buy a pack of underwear that everyone else has no idea whether it's really for you or not when you buy it, (maybe I'm just running an errand for a girlfriend or something, who knows?) But it's another thing entirely to actually pull things off the rack and go to try them on, which makes it blatantly obvious that the clothes are for you. That's my next step... the Goodwill trip that I was originally planning last week. Then after that, if it's successful, I plan on taking a trip to the makeup counter at Macy's. And after that... well... that really is when I'll feel like I've cleared most of the hurdles. Using the women's room will be a BIG one, but I'll be honest, I would NOT feel comfortable there right now. It's one thing if you get clocked in the normal areas, it's a completely different thing entirely if you get clocked in the most private space imaginable. So that is a VERY long way off. And that will probably not happen until I'm so far along in transition that I don't think there's even a remote possibility of getting clocked anymore, and out to everyone that I know, and close to being ready to go full-time.

But whatever. Baby steps.

Thanks for the encouragement, everyone! And for the excellent advice.

Congrats Carrie! I've been dressing andro in women's jeans and tops, well maybe not as andro as I think, and the first time I went shopping in the misses and the petites section my heart was pounding. I could feel it thumping like a bass drum. But no one noticed. No one ran away. Nothing. Non-event. I even joked  and had at length conversations at both stores i went to as if there was nothing out of the ordinary about a guy buying women's clothes. I just don't think people care as much as we might think. I even summoned the courage to buy makeup, but only at the self-checkout counter. I won't use the ladies room until I can't use the men's room any longer, i.e someone says "you're in the wrong room, miss." One day, one day. I'll need a session or two of laser before that happens.

Quote from: Joanna Dark on March 24, 2013, 07:42:21 PM
Congrats Carrie! I've been dressing andro in women's jeans and tops, well maybe not as andro as I think, and the first time I went shopping in the misses and the petites section my heart was pounding. I could feel it thumping like a bass drum. But no one noticed. No one ran away. Nothing. Non-event. I even joked  and had at length conversations at both stores i went to as if there was nothing out of the ordinary about a guy buying women's clothes. I just don't think people care as much as we might think. I even summoned the courage to buy makeup, but only at the self-checkout counter. I won't use the ladies room until I can't use the men's room any longer, i.e someone says "you're in the wrong room, miss." One day, one day. I'll need a session or two of laser before that happens.

I was the same way to anytime I would enter a women's section of a store. I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest. But I forced myself to shop and eventually got over that phobia. Now I can shop anywhere in girl or guy mode without it really bothering me at all. And I don't plan on using the ladies room until they run me out of a men's room for being a woman.

Quote from: Heather on March 24, 2013, 08:08:44 PM
I was the same way to anytime I would enter a women's section of a store. I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest. But I forced myself to shop and eventually got over that phobia. Now I can shop anywhere in girl or guy mode without it really bothering me at all. And I don't plan on using the ladies room until they run me out of a men's room for being a woman.

I still think my scariest event since going full time was in July 2012 at about 10 months. I went with a girlfriend to see "Magic Mike" and had to go potty right after it ended. We went in and it was overflowing with teens and twenty somethings, about fifteen deep waiting for an open stall. I went to the mirror, checked my makeup and freshened my lipstick. How I didn't shake doing it I'll never know, because I was SCARED!!! I just made some small talk with my friend and finally got into a stall. It ended up being one more non-event, but some stupid crossdresser on another site had said something about teenage cis-girls and us and I couldn't get it out of my head. But, like everything else this idiot said, it wasn't true. Wherever you go, you have to know you belong there, not like you own it, but like you belong there. Because you do. And I'm also a big believer in not saying things on any TS site that can leave negative thoughts in new girls' heads. We go on these sites for advice, friendship and positive feedback, not to read lies from someone who's obviously jealous of women who pass. I'm ranting, but it took a few months to get this jerk's comment out of my head. Hugs, Mira

My first time, or rather what I Would consider my first time straying far from comfort I was with a friend.  I didn't have the luxury of staying in the car xD

It worked out well though, its surprising how a little confidence changes how you walk and your mannerisms.  I really didn't practice, sorta just came with me that night. 

Seriously its a good feeling :3 

Congratulations, Carrie.

That's a big step. I hope I'll have the courage to do so when it comes time for me. I'm still nervous just looking at the women's section.

Quote from: JenSquid on March 25, 2013, 01:11:54 PM
Congratulations, Carrie.

That's a big step. I hope I'll have the courage to do so when it comes time for me. I'm still nervous just looking at the women's section.

First of all, Jen, you're not a squid, you're a living, breathing woman on her way to the 'promised land.' You've made the best decision of your life if you're anything like the vast majority of transwomen around the world! These  are just rites of passage, and each one you overcome, most of them far easier than the debacle we've all built them up to be, will soon be events that you can look back at with a smile, and tell a new girl in the future about your experiences. Jen, I'm not saying these aren't very real obstacles and concerns for new girls, but the benefits are extreme. I'm having a fantastic day today, and the most awesome thing about it is the fact that I NEVER had a good day in my last ten years as a male impersonator. Never. Fantastic days aren't constant, but really good days are, and I've been full time now for 18 months, 2 weeks and 5 days! Each new day I thank God for what He let me finally do. I also pray for each and every one of you ladies to find that kind of happiness, because it's out there for you if you let it and cause it to happen. It sounds like a lot of us are happy! Lots of hugs, Mira                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         

I don't really have a tense first-time-out story to share, because things have gone so absurdly smoothly in that regard that it's hardly worth mentioning. I wasn't really so nervous about presenting as female for the first time last week, and I've found that I actually had more confidence than I ever did dressed as male! I bought a new wardrobe from thrift stores that very same day and have presented full-time up until now.

Probably the most uncomfortable I've been about the whole ordeal was several days prior to the spontaneous wardrobe switch, in which I presented completely as male and had to get sized for bras at a department store. Dilliards refused to size me because it was against company policy for males to use the womens fitting room (ugh), but Belk agreed to after making sure their fitting room was empty. I bought bras, stepped into a men's restroom for the very last time to put one on, and things just took off from there. Ironically, I had returned to Dilliards presenting as female with a friend several days later and was given access to a fitting room just fine! :3

Congrads, just relax & enjoy your life. No one else knows anything. Just dress normal & act as a normal girl/woman.

Enjoy each time out in the world normal, it's your world to enjoy.

Look great, be a confident sexy happy woman, have fun.

PS, like most of my first time was so scarry but it was no big deal, not sure why I worried so much.

Well, everyone was completely right about the first time being the big hurdle, and everything after that being no big deal. I went out again today, and it was finally that shopping trip to Goodwill that I was meaning to take all along, and I felt downright... normal. Yet again, not a single funny look. And this after a whole day of me nitpicking every single aspect of my appearance to death, and feeling extremely inadequate, and worrying myself to death again, sitting in front of the mirror and recording video after video after video for at least a solid hour making sure that I looked female enough.

But yet again, not a single person even seemed to notice me. Hell, I even passed one of the biggest tests of all... the kid test. Because after a good 2 hours of shopping at Goodwill, trying on just about everything in the entire store, I went to Walmart to get toothpaste, and the store was FULL of families with kids. And while you can't really tell with adults whether they think you look weird or not, because they've been trained to be polite and not to stare, with kids there is no such thing. If they think that someone looks weird, they will stare. And might even ask innocent questions like "Mom? Is that a boy or a girl?" Well, I passed by at least 10 different families with kids, and the kids were looking RIGHT in my direction several times, and not a single one of them stared, asked any of those sorts of questions, or even so much as took a second look. They pretty much just didn't even notice me. So that was a HUGE confidence boost. The most honest eyes in the world apparently didn't see anything that looked weird to them.

So yeah... my nervousness is pretty much over now. And I'm going to start going out as a girl a LOT more often. Every single one of the worries that I had ended up being complete nonsense. So yeah, I feel REALLY great right now, and REALLY confident. It's so awesome to think that other people really are looking at me and just seeing a girl. I love that feeling! Yeah... tomorrow, the makeup counter at Macy's is definitely calling my name.

Hugs, everyone! And again, thanks for the encouragement!

Congratulations again honey!

No putting the girl back in the box again, you are out and about and free to roam.

Hugs

C

Congratulations Carrie as you found out it is no big deal really and it does get easier the more you go out. Wait till you get to the point of being out and you forget the fact your out dressed and you realize your just being yourself I've had that happen a few times.