Hi, im Jess (I think I already said that).
I have been transitioning since I was 28 (so just 2 years now). I did not know from childhood that I was different, it was only when I got into my teens I started to feel confusion. However my thoughts were automatically met with feelings of guilt/shame so I buried them away - fearing I was strange/mentally ill and that people would ostracize me if they knew (including my family!). I never knew how to be a 'guy' I spent a lot of my teenage years and early twenties trying to 'copy' people to fit in.
I am a sufferer of OCD and General Anxiety which came out quite strongly after I left school. It took me many years to not only be diagnosed but to get treated - and at one point in my life I was more or less confined to the house due to excessive and uncontrollable phobias/fears. I am better now, its not gone but hey - I can leave the house and do stuff so hey that's something right
My transition started at the lowest point in my life. I began to explore my gender instead of pushing it away - seeking advise and support online. Discovering I was not alone! and that there was a solution I had not known of. However due to family reactions (I was forced to 'out' my feelings too early due to accidentally being discovered) & my own fears I repressed how I felt again and tried to 'man up' - which lasted another 6 years. In that time I flat out denied it ever happened, that I had any feelings of that sort and yeah.... any stuff relating to gender made me feel uncomfortable.
Towards to end of that 6 years things quickly went down hill. Relieving my OCD symptoms made my thoughts clearer and the gender issues just came flooding back. I wasn't happy, I didn't want to be a man, it was all an act. It always had been an act.
My anxiety spiraled out of control and I felt almost suicidal. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror, I felt disgusted. I always remember going to my GP and breaking down in tears telling her that I wanted to transition (I had seen her 6 years previously, about the same issue, but never went back or mentioned it to her again till that day..)
So here I am. I am not really done, no surgery. Just been on estrogen for 2 years (nothing more). My family accept what I am doing now - but my parents don't really like it (and my father really cannot understand). I like plenty of boy things - video games, action movies? hmm beer?
and plenty of girl things too. Handbags, shoes, dresses, romance (I am a very soppy romance)?
I am just wanting to get everything sorted out so I can live my life and be 'normal' and me.
P.S - Joswin (forum name) is a mixture of my first name and middle name. Jessica and Oswin.
P.P.S - This is me
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151322034631290&l=8e8512de0b (incase you wonder - I cant seem to change my avatar)
