I would rather not be at all than the alternatives to being me.

I have had thoughts about it lately. Told my therapist. She asked
"what if you HAD to go back to your old self?" I said "I don't think
I could." "There you go" she said.

Before starting therapy I made a real effort to live as male again.
Didn't purge, just boxed up the clothes. I did cut my hair. It'll take
at least a couple years to grow back where it was. Anyway I made
it about a month and a half before about going out of my mind.

That's when I started therapy and electrolysis. Now after a month
on HRT I'd hate to have to go off of it.

All these back and forth thoughts, and the worrying. They are so
draining.

I would say stick it out for now and explore your feelings. You can always de transition later if it does not work out. Sounds like you might have a little fear of success or the unknown?

I have before. Never again. I started living female in my late teens.. Detransitioned due to trans women saying id never pass-never got eatrogen then.

In my early/mid twenties i did round two. Lived full time with college, no job at home, and my hormones then were progesterone cream from health food store, and womens menopause vitamins with phyto eatrogen. De transitioned two years later cuz saw no effects and was stupid by not going to wn endo somehow. Even did a therapist then but she knew very little of soc and wanted to keep me coming back forever to 'change' my feelings. Bitch. Lol.

Then i met love if my life who always knew, struggled for years playing female secretly with her only while in the army. 6 years later im now 29-almost 30- and two monthes into hrt and fully tansitioned.  Do i get depressed, sure but only cuz estrogen doesnt work as fast as id like but im sticking to my endos regimen. Can i go back? No. The day im cut off from hrt or living as a woman is the day i die.  Ill never ever return to that dark depressed suicidal drink myself to death and play chameleon with a million different male aspects (id watch men in my life and pick up certain behaviors and traits to help me present as male, anyone ever do that?); and i can firmly say id never return to that place again.  It was like living in a clear box where i could see outside the world, few people saw in te box, and i constantly changed the boxes mannerisms ad appearance to not be seen out of fear of rejection and losing family/friends. Now im outif that bax and people see me for me, i never thoight id ever possibly get here and thought hrt and transition was for the licky ones. Partially correct, as self destructive as i was im licky i made it to this point. I wanted to die everyday and drank heavily for years hoping i would. The facy my blood panels dont show liver damage is amazing. And my endo gave me full dose estrogen. Id rather live poor and happy then just above poor and not truly live.  Now that i can actually be me...and see me, im never going back. Heh im in tears writing this...