Hey, way to go. You are on the track and full speed ahead. Go for it, you will do fine! This all sounds like there is no real reason to keep you from going for transition, including hrt. You also seem to have the right expectations like that anxiety will not go away just by transitioning (for me it took years after transition to open up more, though transition was already a huge improvement!). You will have some weeks to stop smoking, use them - dont let the psychs push you too much in the corner that they want to "resolve the other issues first", like the anxiety and self medication. Or if they want to look at that first, try to speed it up, e.g by stopping self medication for anxiety asap. Some psychs will claim, that it is a rule to wait for x months to give hrt, esp if they have no experience and try to do things "by the book". There are no strict rules and the docs can do what they see fit, remember that and dont let them push you into that ruleset.

I am glad you are feeling as you do. You write a lot LOL, this happened to me once I transitioned. I started to write tons. In conversations sadly I am still often rather quiet though, residual anxiety maybe. 

re printing it - yes, but rather copy to notepad, read again and modify so it is suited for the therapist

Well, im going to try and get onto the same medications or something similar as the ones ive been self medicating with.  I've been through virtually every class of drug they can/will give out thats not considered a narcotic at this point as well as having had a variety of useless diagnosis that lead to medicated treatments that were disastrous.  It's been 10+ years since ive seen a psychiatrist or therapist, and the last go round was with a therapist who repeated violated my confidentiality because i was i minor at the time even though it had nothing to do with self harm or harming others, and a psychiatrist who was an obvious pharma shill who medicated me to the point of not being able to stay awake for more than 4 hours a day and barely being able to function at all while i was, else i would have likely come out in high school and already have transitioned by this point.   After i detoxed from all the medications and swore off drugs of any kind, i ended up dealing with all my other issues essentially on my own over the last 7-8 years. I honestly will likely re open those issues once ive delt with my anxiety and im living FT as a women and a good chunk of the way through my transition, even though its pretty rare that i think about those things these days.  Thats assuming i get a therapist i like, otherwise id just as soon leave all that more or less forgotten.

I have to say though, right now im in the best possible position to be transitioning i probably will ever be in. owning a business living with a roomate who isnt bothered by much of anything and having a ton of friends who are supportive.  Not to mention the only real issues i have going on now is the GD/anxiety.

Sophie I appreciate your thoughtful and comprehensive posts.  I agree with our LordKat that your therapist would value your writing.

I think you are on to something considering an "inpatient gender" facility.  We can readily acknowledge the difficulties of transitioning that suggest the huge needs for therapy, education and support.  I would personally shy away from anything that accentuates a "disease model" vs supporting a "halfway house" kind of approach.

There are significant aspects to transitioning that only another trans person could really feel--IMHO.

Delighted to sense your confidence, strength and resolve for moving forward.  Hey it's good to be the boss eh?  And that circle of friends--good for you! The few things that I do benefit from in waiting a lifetime to transition is that I too own the farm literally and figuratively and am not held back by anyone but myself. 

Here is a toast to your progress...raises coffee cup.

I have seen in a few instances where if somoneis already self medicating, and living their chosen gender they will give somone HRT as long as bloodwork is good as early as the first visit with that bloodwork. They still need informed consent but the reasoning is pretty simple, self medicating is especially dangerous. I had a boyfriend who was transitioning about five years ago and his endo in seattle put him on T pretty much that first visit. Do not take this as advocating.

Also, a lot of this story of yours is quite simulair to mine minus the self medding. Be sure to print that out for your therapist it will help them establish a treatment best suited to this situation. Self medicating is extremely dangerous and if that therapist decides to slow track you because of it explain your condition to your GP, tell him/her you are self medicating and request hrt from him or a referrel to an endo. The faster you are properly monitered, the better, and you are sounding nlikely to stop. Be sure you bring all the medicine you are self medicating with to those appointments! They will need to put down the doseages as well as evaluate what exactly it is.

I wont touch on smoking is been beat to the ground with logic. Honest truthfull logic. And i think I already mentioned it.

I self medicate for the anxiety.  With Adderall/Valium.  There no way in the world, knowing what I know about hormones, I'd never self self medicate them.  Esp not with the smoking.   Although I do have to say Since ive Come out, and started letting myself out in public I have been having an easier go of things Out and about and less desire to self med.  Although smoking still remains a challenge.   Either way, my eval is tomorrow morn.

Getting fast tracked has to do with talking to the right endocrinologist and having the right attitude. I got my HT after around 90 days, and 12 visits to my therapist. I went to talk to a endocrinologist at the Center for Advanced Medicine in STL(recommended by my therapist), it turned into an ersatz interview and assessment of his own, he wrote scrips on the spot. My therapist was a bit miffed having not provided a letter, which we both had expected to do.

I can relate almost 90% over the smoking and anxiety.Smoking had become a pacifier per say for me and while i hadnt been on meds yet,they were a comfort zone.I started smoking while in high school but at that time,i only had depression and didnt latch onto smoking like i did many years later.After the panic turned into rage,i found it even harder to let go of them *due to lack of meds* Anxiety is very real and panic/rage attacks are very crippling alone and it makes it very hard to live daily life.The sad truth is,that even tho i am NOW on *some* form of med,they arent the kind im supposed to be on.They are not helping me and im losing even more sleep.With that,i still have not been able to let go of the smoking.Only when it will be controlled well,will i be able to.Speaking for myself,i faced the fact that i use smoking as a form of med and until i have something i need to control it better *aka the attacks,sleeping,over all living life and not just helping me calm* will i be able to proceed without them.I cant speak about HRT sadly as i have no idea what to do and no one to help me find the right path *i have posted asking questions for my area but no one has helped me* so i cant say there.Personally i dont have any certain feelings on Self or anything else.As long as the person is well educated and well taken care of but always puts the med profession first *aka doctors* and i hope i can find help myself on how to proceed and what type of doctors/places to find help with HRT,or i may end up doing the same thing because im starting to reach the end of my rope.Regardless,I think you should get the Anxiety under control and i have no doubts that your dependency on smoking will drop down to nothing.Good luck!

I asked my doctor for chantix and she happily obliged for my desire to transition.

Quote from: Missy~rmdlm on October 15, 2013, 01:47:44 AM
Getting fast tracked has to do with talking to the right endocrinologist and having the right attitude. I got my HT after around 90 days, and 12 visits to my therapist. I went to talk to a endocrinologist at the Center for Advanced Medicine in STL(recommended by my therapist), it turned into an ersatz interview and assessment of his own, he wrote scrips on the spot. My therapist was a bit miffed having not provided a letter, which we both had expected to do.

We have the same endo! I wonder if we have the same therapist. Mine is in Clayton. I am one month in with two months to go before my first follow-up appointment.

After my first therapist appt.  I really don't think getting my papers for an endo is really going to be much of an issue.   The quitting smoking is going to be challenging for sure.  But, not anymore challenging than getting to this point. 

I'm not sure where you're from, but you might be able to get Zyban (the same drug as Wellbutrin) to quit smoking, basically just go to a doctor and ask them for it, it works really well, basically it blocks your body's nicotine receptors while giving you a similar boost to the one you get from smoking. I've been on it since the middle of august and I was able to quit smoking pretty easily on it, I didn't have any cravings, I just missed smoking sometimes like when I was walking somewhere or doing something where I would normally smoke. Also if you can find a doctor willing to give you hormones on informed consent, I don't know if it's possible where you live (I've been very fortunate with where I, live along with a lot of other factors in my transition), you should be able to eliminate most of the waiting.

Anxiety is my only real barrier to quitting ATM.  The nicotene withdrawal don't even really bother me.

Problem with that particular excuse is... It causes far more anxiety than it helps...