I realize I am happiest when I am myself and I've felt like myself again for a few days for the first time in a while.  Numbing myself to the pain and shame has only numbed me from being the person I love to be.  I'm so grateful for some wonderful friends who have texted me and talked to me on the phone from a mailing list I adore.  I hope they know that I love them very much.

I used to associate my extremely caring and kind side with my female side.  I made primitive associations that I couldn't be that way and male at the same time (very sexist I know), however I've realized that it is when I am true to myself (which self happens to be associated with being female) that my true nature, the very caring and kind part, comes out.  It isn't about "being a girl" that makes me want to hug the world, it is about "being myself" and believing I am okay.

I feel like the easiest explanation and one that helps me the most is to identify myself as a person with an intersexed condition.  I have a biologically male body and I most likely have a biologically female brain (or at least female in the sexually dimorphic areas).  I say "most likely" because I've never had my brain physically checked and likely won't in this lifetime, but if the research is to be believed concerning my condition, it is very likely my brain is female.

So what do I do about it?  I'll own it.  I won't just come out to people like in the past basically saying, "By the way, before you think you like me, I need you to know this terrible problem I have."  That was a mistake, and though I've been out, I've still been treating it as a shameful part of me that made me unworthy of love.

I'm going to be me and not be ashamed of it.  I won't just "admit" that I'm trans to others so they can get their hostilities out of the way up front, I'll own it, love myself for my differences, believe that they add to my character, and be able to more fully love those around me.  This will in turn encourage them to love me back for being myself.

I had a long talk with my spouse tonight about this new understanding and she believes I am on to something with all of this.  She says I haven't been the me she loved for a long time, and I believe it is because I have been shutting myself down (numbing myself) to deal with the pain of the dysphoria.  Well no more.


I'm Kate, I was born with a male body, but there is nothing wrong with me.


Kate

Kate,

Many, many thanks for posting this. I have tried several times to quote certain sections of what you have offered, but there are so many I would likely end up pasting the whole thing! So much resonates...

I, too, find that I am happiest when I feel like myself. 'Myself' is not necessarily limited to gender experience, though this is certainly part of the whole. Putting these two statements together, there are times when I am able to inhabit the fullness of my experience - gender included - and these are the occasions I would describe as 'happy'.

So why not simply live this way? I have asked myself this question so often and I feel you have hit the nail on the head with your comments around 'admitting' vs 'owning'. I just barely admit that I'm transgendered to myself (let alone others) and this does not encourage the kind of inhabiting mentioned above. I view being trans as a problem, a mistake, as something to be ashamed of - which means I rarely ever really feel like myself, rarely ever inhabit this self, rarely ever feel happy.

Owning, on the other hand, feels so wholly different. I have used 'inhabiting' above. I could also, I suspect, use 'embracing' to similar affect. Owning, inhabiting, embracing - these all feel like game changers to me. Though this does raise the issue of how one goes about doing this...

Perhaps this is a good time for an admission: The two occasions above are the first times I have ever used the terms 'transgendered' and/or 'trans' to refer to myself. I have always always avoided such terminology to this point. Hard to get to a place of owning when one won't even walk into the store!

So once again, many thanks Kate - 'Just Kate' - and congratulations on where you find yourself today. The result of much pain and hard work, I'm sure. Best to you and your spouse on your journey. I look forward to hearing how it all goes.

I'm Tanya and I'm transgendered.

Kate,

For quite a while I have followed your "adventures" and through them all, I have loved your attitude.  You have tried to find yourself and have come back to this point.

Love you, Hon.

Thank you very much, both of you for your comments.   I'm glad I could help you TanyaW, and I'm grateful someone is still reading my stuff, Janet.

Kate, that was a meaningful post, thanks. I struggle with the black hole of TS-ism, feeling like it's drawing me into it. It's like the only way to deal with the paradox of a female brain and a male body is Extreme Body Makeover treatment. Surgery, drugs, painful hair removal and no guarantee of congruence at the end. I am seeking a path that allows me to accept both my body with it's limits and my mind with it's potential. Why do so few TS go down this path is the question I have.

Quote from: laurenb on October 30, 2013, 05:31:49 PM
Kate, that was a meaningful post, thanks. I struggle with the black hole of TS-ism, feeling like it's drawing me into it. It's like the only way to deal with the paradox of a female brain and a male body is Extreme Body Makeover treatment. Surgery, drugs, painful hair removal and no guarantee of congruence at the end. I am seeking a path that allows me to accept both my body with it's limits and my mind with it's potential. Why do so few TS go down this path is the question I have.

I'll venture an answer, but you can also tell me to bugger off if you like, because I was technically PAIS and not trans. Also its now around 30 years since I was done so I am officially a mad old bat too. Personally I think all of us have an image of the way we would like to live our lives, and in my case I honestly didn't feel I could achieve any of it with male genitalia. They were just too wrong, alien and generally uncomfortable to have.

I didn't have a problem with my gender, I was allowed to grow up as an androgynous girl. I wasn't fussed about looks or clothes. I don't give a ->-bleeped-<- about names or pronouns. I couldn't give a toss about makeup or presentation, but I could not cope with having male genitalia. That's it. There simply was nothing else. So the op was 100% of everything.

So I guess I'm the polar opposite of a non op. For me there was nothing else but the op. HRT pretty much on demand, no real transition, absolutely no RLE, no coming out, no adjusting anything. Just straight to the op. And yet I swear that I would swing for anyone who tried to tell me I should not have had it, because three decades on I have proved that it literally transformed my life.

That said, that is my truth, and yours will be different. I think the important thing is to pursue the things that matter to you, and make you happy, and let others similarly find their own right path.

In the end i suggest that all comparison with others is somewhat invidious because we are all individuals.

Its part of discovering who we are and becoming who we are.Its a long road but worth walking in the end.To the OP,im very happy to hear you feel that way and say congrats on the one thing that is apart of transition over all,Becoming you.When everything is working together,everything else seems meaningless and of course we keep walking that path but with a much clearer mind and heart. 

Quote from: laurenb on October 30, 2013, 05:31:49 PM
Kate, that was a meaningful post, thanks. I struggle with the black hole of TS-ism, feeling like it's drawing me into it. It's like the only way to deal with the paradox of a female brain and a male body is Extreme Body Makeover treatment. Surgery, drugs, painful hair removal and no guarantee of congruence at the end. I am seeking a path that allows me to accept both my body with it's limits and my mind with it's potential. Why do so few TS go down this path is the question I have.

Lauren, your comments express many of the experiences and questions I myself have. As I keep feeling pulled into this particular black hole, I scream 'What the &^%$ am I supposed to do about this?!?!' The many voices here are so very helpful in providing insight into how others have answered this scream, but I do occasionally wonder where are the voices that speak to, as you wonderfully put it, accepting one's body with it's limits and one's mind with it's potential? Might this be the route for me? I don't know, but I would like to hear more!

This is what was so riveting about Kate's post for me. Really? Own? How do you do this? What does it look like? How does it feel? Please tell me more (seriously!)...

Chaos' words resonate: I'm trying to discover and become who I am. At this point, a wide range of other 'am's - as long as they experience something similar to myself - is most helpful.