I know better but it still sucks when someone makes you.

Compared to most I'm still new at this, but I don't know, maybe I'm just being a little down on myself.  I'm completely out to everyone, family, friends, work etc... and although I've only been living full time for 4 months, it sure brings you down to earth when it happens.

It's going to happen again, and it's not the first time I've been made either, but it still sucks.  99% of the time I pass without any problems I think I must have done or said something that gave me away so to speak.  Oh well, grin and bare it huh.

I guess it's because I'm having a tough week at work.  Nothing to do with my transition or anything associated with it, just a driver shortage, coupled with the long hours and that piled on top of the pressures of Christmas, and the pressures of my transition doesn't help either.

Now I know why people think we're crazy 

Wait a second... I feel better now! 

Steph

It does suck, doesn't it Steph? I got brought down like a deflated balloon when someone at the pub near my place interjected into my conversation, pointing at me saying "she lives near here". Now granted, that obviously means that she knew me from before (I guess. I didn't recognize her), but it was still a complete downer.

Chin up and carry on another day.

/hugs
Dennis

No question being made sucks. But it is just part of the process and those who knew us when can always make an inappropriate remark in the wrong place. I guess that's why a lot of us end up moving to new environs. As Dennis said, chin up Steph, you're not alone.

Cassie

How's this:  I am meeting my son at Red Lobster for dinner and go to the ladies room before he arrives and just after I walk out that door, he walks into the crowded lobby and says, "Hey Dad, how's it going?"  Yeah, it sucks.

I worry about this in that I like to jam at bars on jam night and I have been accepted as a woman without any hesitation but have this fear someone I know will come in and say something--some of these places are a bit rough--and that'll be it for me.  So far so good, but I worry...

Dawn

I'm worried about that too, just randomly seeing people I know en femme since I run into people I know a lot normally..

While I have only been out in moderation now for a couple of months and not around home, it does suck when being made.  I understand fully where you are coming from Steph.

I had the experiece a bout 3 weeks ago.  I was out enfemme, but wearing slacks to blend in with the girls in the area where I was, as I was in a vacation area and most girls were wearing slacks or blue jeans.
All Day any of the stores I was in I was being treated like and addressed as a Lady, and had been  addressed as Ma'm on several occasions.
Decided it was time for lunch, so dropped into the Red Lobster,The hostess called me sir.  What a let down from what had been taken place all day as I was delighted to be referred to as ma'm the rest of the day.  Needless to say I did not go into that restaurant again while in the area.
I guess That is something that we all have to put up with from time to time.
Steph, I too now feel better for getting this off my chest.

Denise

Do you think it takes not only being made but someone being mean to say something about it?

Sorry to hear that happened to you Steph.  A lot of the girls here like yourself are much further along than I am, but I feel for you.  I can only imagine how that must have made you feel.  That has been one of my greatest fears about going out.  I just want to pass and blend in.  I don't want to be a man in a dress.  I just want to be an everyday average woman.  Keep your chin up.  I have a feeling things will get better for you "down the road".

Lisabeth

Quote from: alleigh on December 13, 2005, 09:45:52 PM
Do you think it takes not only being made but someone being mean to say something about it?

I don't think many of them do it intentionally. I think they just stick you in a gender slot in their head and react to you as though you were that gender. It's pretty unconscious mostly. If they meant to be mean, it'd probably be pretty clear.

The woman in the pub near me hadn't obviously thought of what she was doing, using the female pronoun for a guy in a suit talking to other guys.

Dennis

Quote from: Dennis on December 13, 2005, 11:41:35 PM
I don't think many of them do it intentionally. I think they just stick you in a gender slot in their head and react to you as though you were that gender. It's pretty unconscious mostly. If they meant to be mean, it'd probably be pretty clear.

I think you're dead on here.  People make this gender decision quickly and unconsciously and once made is hard to undo as everyone who has transitioned knows.  I think the brain does a quick calculation based on facial features, size, hair, and mannerisms.  So in dress, presentation, and hair style (or wig), we're trying to tip things the other way.

It defies logic sometimes.  Early in my transition, I was read frequently, but could reduce this substantially by wearing a wig that concealed my forehead and brow-bossing.  Yet I went through airport security once and was read as female in gender-neutral clothing without the wig.  The security guy freaked when he saw a male name on the boarding pass (yeah,that was fun).

Dawn

It happens and it will no matter how well we look.  Some people just pick up on it.  Early in the process I ended up talking to this beautiful woman, I mean she was gorgeous.  Just got back from having surgery done.  And she told me that there are times when even she is read here and there.  Defies logic but it happens.

I just look around or do not answer at all when it happens.  And then go on because the next place will be better. 

Quoteit sure brings you down to earth when it happens

. . . only if you let it . . .

And strangely enough, I got clocked while out at lunch today.  That's okay because my company happened to be the best looking guy in the place.     And no, he is not my partner as I tend to gravitate towards women in that arena, just that I had great company and nothing could bring me down.

Quote from: Northern Jane on December 14, 2005, 11:07:14 AM
. . . only if you let it . . .

And you're very right Jane. It took me so by surprise because it hasn't happened to me since July that I just wasn't prepared. But I do need to be ready for when it happens, and not let it have that effect. I live in a small town, so it'll probably happen for years.

Dennis

I know it really sucks when they read you, but you have to just try and ignore the comments if any. I have been post op for about a year and half and I get people saying sir to me every once in a while. I give them a dirty look and walk away. I can't say you get use to it but you harden to it. Most of the time I do pass though and get treated like a lady, even in jeans. I know that I'm out and have been very public about who I am. So some of that is caused by me. I'm not going to move so they will have to deal with me and I will have to deal with the fact that some ignorant slob will say you are a man.
Sheila

Well there was once when life would have been easier if I had been "read".

When I went off to Colorado for SRS, I gave away the last of my male clothes to the boyfriend of one of the nurses. (She was so kind to me, invited me to her house for supper and to meet her family  )

On the return trip to Canada, I ws sitting on the plane chatting with a young business man about my own age and we were having a good time. (Did I mention I could be a flirt sometimes?)

It didn't dawn on me until we were approaching Canadian Customs & Immigration that the only I.D. I had was male! And I didn't look theLEAST bit male. Oh ->-bleeped-<-!

I took the young man's arm as we were chatting in the Customs line and stood so he was ahead of me in the line. When customs came to him, they asked where he was from (Canadian), where he had been (Denver), how long he had been gone, etc. (all the while I have my hand on his arm).

The customs officer turned to me (the young man waited - I still had his arm!) and said "Are you Canadian to?" I said "Yes sir.", "Are you with him?" "Yes sir." and he said "Ok, away you go."

A VERY akward situation was avoided by pure dumb luck and quick thinking 

(For somebody people consider "smart", I can sure be DUMB sometimes!  )

Funny, Jane. When I went down to SF for surgery, my ID was all still female. When I was coming back to Canada, I presented all of my ID, with "F" prominently displayed. The officer carefully inspected each piece, looked at me and said "thank you sir".

People see what they want to see I guess.

Dennis

Quote from: Harper on December 15, 2005, 04:35:36 PM
If you get "sirred" by a rather homely woman, just say,"It never ceases to amaze me that women who are not anywhere as pretty as I am occasionally will call me sir, isn't that funny?"

I tend to disagree with that tactic, Harper.  Insulting someone's physical appearance isn't high on the neighborly conduct list, especially if they weren't even trying to be hurtful about it. You cannot soothe your own pain by causing pain for others.  It's almost the same concept as 'violence begets violence'... ill-will only creates more ill-will. 

Focusing on appearances also displays to others what is important to you...and someone who does this could come across as a very superficial and/or immature individual.  I'm also of the firm belief that it's the heart that makes someone physically appealing or unappealing--if we go around displaying our most unattractive behaviours, no amount of make-up or surgery or natural aesthetic appeal will make us beautiful. Likewise, someone who might be considered 'homely' in society's eyes who displays a beautiful heart is to me a most beautiful individual, inside and out. (Perfect example is one of my professors--dear, beautiful soul she is...) OK, I ran away with the topic, there, sorry...

I have accidentally called people by the wrong pronoun, and it had absolutely nothing to do with their appearance. For example, one day I had taken my brother to karate class, where they constantly address their leader as 'Sir!".  On the way home at the grocery store I called the female clerk 'sir' since the word was so fresh inmy mind it was inconsious.   

Sometimes it's a slip of the tongue, and with me that happes often, I get tongue-tied all the time, not just with gender pronouns. Probability would dictate that being called by the wrong pronoun happens 'X' amount of times in any given person's life anyway.  I imagine it's quite a bit higher for TG individuals, but it doesn't mean it's intentional. 

And no, I am certainly not trying to make light of what everyone here has experienced.  Even though many of the mistakes made in addressing you are not done purposely, it still hurts, frustrates, unnerves you, and I imagine causes you to question yourself at times.  I can't speak from any standpoint about you being 'made'...but, well...(sigh....)...I guess I don't know what else to say next...

Stephanie, dear soul, from a completely objective GG point of view, you are a most beautiful lady (inside and out  ), and you will only become moreso as time continues.  You just keep walking with your head held high and don't let the 'sirs' make you stumble out of your high heels....

XOXO,
Valerie

QuoteInsulting someone's physical appearance isn't high on the neighborly conduct list, especially if they weren't even trying to be hurtful about it.

Well said Valerie,

Cheap shots surely are not the sign of someone who is comfortable with who they. Nor is it worth going down to their level if it is deliberate.

Shelley

Well, OK, whether or not Harper was joking....  since we do draw a great number of people here who are looking for answers, it's probably best not to make such kinds of jokes in the event that it's taken seriously.  A lot of people, especially younger people, might have taken Harper's recommendation as a good idea and followed it.  All of us must be mindful of how we present ourselves so as not to unwittingly cause another to make an unwise move.