It's been 13.5 months since I came out and just over nine months I started HRT. Lately I've just been having a bad breakdown with transition and moving forward. there's just so much on my mind, it seems that the deeper I get into this the worse my dysphoria gets. Everything is all overwhelming, I need some help with this.

Hey Julie,

Do you see a gender therapist?  I ask because that may be a good starting point. 

As for help from those of us on here, what is it you are exactly looking for and what seems to be troubling you?

I totally agree a good therapist helps. I have a very understanding therapist

I does yoyo back and forth doesn't it?

I do see a therapist and even with that I feel it more and more the further away from my last appointment that I get. But then I see my therapist and things clear up again until next time.

It gets better hanging out with my friends as well. They understand me, they stand up for me, and most importantly they don't out me or even bring attention to the changes in me unless it is to give a compliment or offer their open door to for conversation.

Often though I wish that there were more transgender girls near where I live around my age to spend time with. Right now my therapist seems to be the hub for transgender people in my area. She has put me in touch with some of her other patients who are in similar positions as myself.

Sorry I was a bit rushed with that post, something came up while writing it. I have a wonderful therapist who've I been seeing for over a year so far. I'm almost at the point of detransitioning, which I've been talking about since late September with her and I need to ask people who has been through transition especially those who did when they were still in school.  I figured I'd come here to ask, especially since I'm too nervous to talk about it in group.

For a little more background I had several bad breakdowns back in August, I just became so defeated and dejected when it came to transition. I started to feel terrified at the thought of it. So six weeks ago I just decided to go back to presenting and living as male. I've been doing this out of fear because of my anxiety. Everyday feels very stressful and I feel like I'm forcing these smiles. I've been trying to break myself but it seems so tricky. I was able to finally hall from depression at least.

Right now I'm continuing HRT despite all of this and been trying to work on my anxiety. It would be self defeating for me to go back and deny myself, my problems all over again and suffer through testosterone once more. Also I want to be able to get over my anxiety and be able to live as myself.

I'm just stuck in this rut and I'm reaching out to you guys because you've been so excellent. I also need to gain the confidence to talk about these issues to those who I trust.

What exactly do you mean by breakdowns? Sorry, I don't mean to pry, but it's difficult to give any sort of meaningful advice without knowing what you've been going through. You said you felt defeated and terrified, but what has been making you feel that way? The best thing I can tell you is that you shouldn't force yourself into something you don't really want to do. If you're transitioning for the right reasons I'm sure you'll be able to get through this, but if you're having serious doubts there's no need to force yourself. Trust me when I say that even living as a male is a lot more tolerable as long as you don't have to deal with the testosterone poisoning. No one would think less of you if you wanted to keep living as male for a while while still taking HRT, as long as it helps you figure things out.

take your time