I don't know if this will help or not, but I hope it might...

As you agonize over your impending appointment, you mentioned "flip-flopping"... It's possible that this is caused by attaching a huge amount of significance to the appointment.  I just want to reassure you that while it *is* a big step, it is not a final step (or anywhere close).  The first appointment with the therapist is a getting-to-know-you appointment, where you will learn about your therapist and they will learn about you.  It is generally a free appointment, because you and your therapist need to see if you are a good match for each other.  Can you trust her/him?  Can s/he help you? 

Beyond that, it is very unlikely that you will get any definite guidance from the first appointment.  It has happened (rarely, and usually for us older transsexual people) that a therapist agreed with our assessment of ourselves and our need to transition (it happened for me, but I'm 39).  And even that would not have happened for me, I think, if I hadn't made very plain that transitioning was something I looked at in a very positive light.  Most gender therapists know how monumental transitioning is, and how scary/hard it can be to even think about.  This is why it can take months or even years of therapy to a) determine the patient needs to transition and b) get them to a good place in their mind where the can transition safely and with confidence.

*hug*

You got this!  Once you've been through the first session, I think you will be amazed at just how easy it was, and wonder why you were so worried.

I think it's just that the feeling of desiring to be a woman is so strong and intense, while at the same time feels alien.

This would be so much easier if my wife hated m

The more you continue this journey the less alien it will feel,

and dont worry it may  be awkward at first but after a few meetings with your therapist everything will be fine

Everything will not be fine!

Best case. I come to terms with my gender issues without radical action.  That's still likely to be weird and difficult, and my life is still in a shambles that I have to fix.

That's not fine, that's "ok, I guess"

Second best case I accept that transition is the best option, and I spend the next 5 years in flux!
Oh and life is still in shambles

Either way it'll be better, but it's a lot of work!

I'm just pissed off  at 1996 me and 2002 me.  They both helped create the denial field that even is destroying my male and neutral sides.

*hug*  I'm only six months into the process and already functioning as female everywhere but at work... I haven't even started hormones yet. 

I just got a call from a job recruiter today... they've got an opportunity for me (Robin).  Not that guy I've lived as for decades. 

Yes, there is a long way to go... but every step I take brings me closer to finally being at peace with and proud of myself.  That's the thing, I think.  Look at and celebrate the little steps.  It's easy to be negative.  This condition turns people's lives upside down.  But the thing is, you've had this condition for a long time; for most of us it's been with us all our lives and gets worse as time goes on, until something inside us goes "bing!" and the only way to live is to move forward into the gender we were meant to have.  If you continually look at everything along the path, it seems impossible.  But if you make a little progress day by day, cut yourself some slack for inevitable mistakes, and just keep moving toward the goal you *will* get there.  I can't even begin to describe to you how good it feels to know who I am and to finally be taking steps to live that way *all the time*.

*hug*

My therapists cant recommend HRT unless you approve it or seek it. The therapists wont tell you need HRT. First your therapists will determine if you have gender dysphoria and then the process will begin of how you want to proceed with treatment, coming out etc.

Look if my attention-seeking handwringing bothers you, feel free to ignore me.  I am extremely grateful for everyone who responded.

The last thing I posted should be taken as a breezy acceptance that whatever happens, to some degree I'll be ok, although it's gonna take some work either way.

Sorry if my tone didn't translate, I didn't want to litter it with smilies.

Quote from: Robin_Particle on January 02, 2014, 05:57:40 PM
Look if my attention-seeking handwringing bothers you, feel free to ignore me.  I am extremely grateful for everyone who responded.

The last thing I posted should be taken as a breezy acceptance that whatever happens, to some degree I'll be ok, although it's gonna take some work either way.

Sorry if my tone didn't translate, I didn't want to litter it with smilies.

I guess I took it as you meant it since it pretty much reflects my state of affairs for the past four years.... Minus the pissed off part. All things happen for a reason. Lessons to be learned or mastered. Problems we would not have been given if were not equiped to tackle them... if we choose to.

Oh yeah... Also minus the Transition or Denial, black and white thinking part too.

Quote from: JoanneB on January 03, 2014, 06:48:17 AM
Oh yeah... Also minus the Transition or Denial, black and white thinking part too.

Working on the black and white thing

So three days out, and I'm calmer.

I am hopeful this appt. goes well and I'm comfortable with the therapist.

If not, the quest continues!

Hope it goes great!
PS digging your new avatar!

Quote from: Ms Grace on January 07, 2014, 12:24:45 AM
PS digging your new avatar!

Yeah wanted something to hit my geekiness and my feelings of being female.  I saw this and had to have it.

Less than 24 hours.

A new adventure awaits

*hug*  You go, girl!  (literally!  )

I'm cured!!!!!!!!!!!

No,  but the therapist was great, it was easy to talk to her, even though I was a nervous mess at the beginning.

I don't feel link she is pushing an agenda or anything, just trying to help me work things out.

I'm still gonna see the other therapist I found, as the scheduling and insurance for this one is not great

Good job, Robin!!

I am on my third therapist in three years.  My second one was outstanding.  Having learned from my first experience, I was direct with my second one.  My first words to her, actually in a email prior to meeting her, were:
"I have gender issues."

I'm really glad you had a good experience, Robin...not all therapists are as bad as that first one you saw.

Quote from: Robin_Particle on January 09, 2014, 08:10:06 PM
I'm cured!!!!!!!!!!!

No,  but the therapist was great, it was easy to talk to her, even though I was a nervous mess at the beginning.

I don't feel link she is pushing an agenda or anything, just trying to help me work things out.

I'm still gonna see the other therapist I found, as the scheduling and insurance for this one is not great

*HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF*  Girl, you were starting to have me worried... I'm incredibly grateful that you had a good experience!  *hug*  Now that this (big) first visit and experience is under your belt, I think you'll find it much easier to visit that other therapist.  You're on your way! 

Just talking an dealing with it more concretely helped me a lot!

A lot of my immediate crisis feeling has subsided .

Quote from: Robin_Particle on January 09, 2014, 08:10:06 PM
I'm cured!!!!!!!!!!!

No,  but the therapist was great, it was easy to talk to her, even though I was a nervous mess at the beginning.

I don't feel link she is pushing an agenda or anything, just trying to help me work things out.

I'm still gonna see the other therapist I found, as the scheduling and insurance for this one is not great

Agendas are bad. Only you can answer your questions. The therapist is there to help you sort it all out, and reality checks. It takes a lot more than one session to even come close to figuring out the right questions, much less answers