No hints really. But one strange recurring fantasy that I finally buried so deeply I forgot all about it. From my late teens until around 30 I would out of the blue suddenly imagine myself sitting in a mans lap and kissing him. I thought it was disgusting and I was some kind of freak. Not gay men, but very straight looking and acting men. Finally it went away and I never though about it for several decades. I even had the chance to sleep with a gay man but couldnt, I felt no attraction at all.

Now I realise that I just had the normal thoughts that a woman has but that never occoured to me at the time. In fact I hated it. Now that I have had the chance to do it, well its really pretty nice, even the stubble is kind of sexy. 

Ooooh well. Often I think to myself with confidence that I'm in complete control of this feminine aspect of mine, and that if needs be, I can just shut if off, and wait for it all to blow over. However, then I read threads like these and it highlights to me that this femininity of mine has been present and slowly eating away at me since I was about 10. And then I suddenly feel a rush of anger and fear that perhaps this femininity isn't a gift from the heavens, facet to me to be treasured, its more a toxic bomb that they've thrown in my face. And then I get very angry and break stuff. Then I calm down and solder things or sew.

QuoteI never knew quite what to do with girls. My testosterone would tell me one thing and my head told me other things which left me conflicted.

QuoteBut one strange recurring fantasy that I finally buried so deeply I forgot all about it. From my late teens until around 30 I would out of the blue suddenly imagine myself sitting in a mans lap and kissing him. I thought it was disgusting and I was some kind of freak.

Yep, these ring true with me, and still very much do. I have yearnings to sleep with women, but conflicting feelings that I simultaneously need the same things that my body wants to give them. Proper head scratching stuff, this. Very much like having two distinct sexualities operating at the same time, and both craving their own needs.
I feel frustrated usually as I can't please both sexualities at the same time, because they have different arousal triggers and needs. My testosterone wants the visual stimulation and curves of another woman to enjoy, but my head seems to also want to be the one who is caressed & desired but with myself as a female.

But anywho... onto the list I still don't think this is conclusive, but its getting very hard not to see the gravity of this now.

~ Age 10: Had a niggling feeling I'd been female in a pastlife, couldn't explain why but I felt I knew what it was like.

~ Age 11: A school friend of mine began touching me whilst I was asleep. I wasn't sexually active, but something felt quite nice, albeit very surreal, about his advances. He was taller than me & I felt quite comforted by his presence, it all felt very natural (though VERY random!)

~ Age 14: Felt the urge to buy bras as the feeling across my chest felt comforting and exciting, and something just felt weirdly natural about it.

~ Age 14: Got to play a girl in a school play and I really felt a warmth inside to be playing a female character, I wanted to really put alot of effort into it as I enjoyed it.

~ Age 13: I dreamt that I woke up and had the face of a girl, was still my face, but feminised. I felt a deep & unexplainable (then) wistfulness and agitated energy for days afterwards.

~ Age 13 and onwards: Often I'd see actresses or singers on the TV who were female, and I'd imagine I was their character in the film or music video. I never did this with males. I liked to imagine, and I felt a need to imagine I was Kate Winslet in Titanic being spun around on that 3rd Class dancefloor, sometimes Agnetha Fältskog from Abba or the singer Sophie Ellis Bextor, or a certain kooky actress from a steampunk film. I loved her style and wanted to be her.

Years later, I began creating my own female characters for stories, and these were always quirky, eccentric and geeky woman, who were very much like me. I didn't feel much desire to create male characters, just the female ones. I didn't see the connection to how I fee until very recently.

~ Age 18: I fancied a girl called Alice, however as well as being attracted to her, I also really loved her name and felt a compulsion to create my new email address with her name as part of the addy, a play on words. My attraction for her was very fleeting, but I still felt the need for this feminine email addy, so I kept it - to this day.

~ Age 19: A college friend and one of my dad's friends (both didn't know each other) made comments about how I could had made a very fine woman, somehow. These comments were not negatively fired at me either. They looked at me for quite some time before making these statements, and their delivery sounded sincere and warm, despite the fact they appeared a little unsure as to why they'd made the comment in the first place. Deep down I felt the same odd, confusing sense of hope and pride.

~ Age 20: Felt increasing need to dress in clothes that had nipped-in-waists as I felt a natural feeling of wanting to project a feminine figure although I didn't realise what this need meant at the time. I assumed I was metrosexual.

~ Age 20: Began feeling very committed and focused on writing drama stories (for shot films) whereby male characters had discovered they were female in their pastlives,
and what this meant for them in their current life. I also imagined scenariois of females discovering their former male lives, but this didn't seem to fire my imagination.

And since then its snowballed, into further discoveries. I don't know 100% if this points to the fact that I'm actually female inside, but what I do definitely know is that apart from wanting to have sex with girls, there's seriously very little I have in common with boys and men, despite the fact I'm quite good at being male, despite my petite figure.

What has been massively confusing (and potentially a crucial mental block) is that I never identified with femininity. Even when I crossdressed, or imagine myself as a girl, or felt the urge to be swept off my feet by a guy romantically, I never once thought to myself "Hang on mate! Are you sure we are male? This sounds pretty girly to me!"
I just never questioned the gender of it all, as I've never felt like I belong to any gender, but I've never even been conscious enough to realise even that. I never questioned ANYTHING! 

I was 25 when I went on a ride with some other bikers and we met up with some Harley Davidson  riders who were around 20 years older. We stopped in a bar to play some pool and listen to a band and I caught myself looking at one of them, a tall lean guy with grey hair and moustache who looked like Sam Elliott,imagining being his girlfriend.A friend saw me and later told me he thought I was looking at him the way a woman who found a man attractive would look.

Wow, so much familiar ground here.

I was seized by a compulsion to write a novel,  and spent months on it, day and night.   The hero was a depressed and shipwrecked girl who seems to be slowly transforming physically and mentally into Emmaline- the ghost of the sea.  I tried to write it from her male lovers perspective but ultimately rewrote the whole book back to hers as I simply could not write the male parts.  Suddenly I stopped writing and could not face writing it anymore.  I think that was the start of realising I was a woman and it was my story, masked.  A few months later I put two and two together and got trans.

Must finish it someday.

I always wear a large, poofy jacket to hide my chest (or lack of), try to grow my nails as long as I can, and don't speak off ten, hating my male voice, I started all of this long before I knew who I was. I'm also semi-happy to say I've only had one girlfriend (never really wanted one in this gender), though I wish it was 0.

Last week I was going bowling with a group of friends.  We had two lanes and the first game I was in a lane (in boymode) with two girls and the other lane was two guys and a girl.  For game two we switched to boys vs girls.  They changed my name into the boys lane first before converting the lane I was originally on and someone made a comment of, "hey, look - you're playing for the boys and girls teams" and I responded with, "well that is certainly appropriate for me."  The one person I was out to out of the five got shocked I said that and asked, "I thought you haven't told them yet?"  I told her that I haven't told them yet and walked past the confused stares to take my turn.  I'm pretty sure at least one of them knew what we were talking about but no one had the courage to ask.  And the one person who already knew apologized constantly for accidentally outing me, even though I was the one who started it.  All in all, I found it fun, I think I'm going to start dropping obvious hints more often.

I gave plenty of hints, in retrospect, even without meaning to, since I was in complete denial.

- Admitted to liking TV shows like Grey's, even though i usually pretended I hated them for being "stupid".
- Bought "too" feminine items of clothing without realizing, then panicked to get rid of them when I realized or someone told me..
- Sometimes didn't bother, and wore them anyways.
- Chose girls' nights with my female friends over guy's nights. I never managed to even pretend to like the latter.
- Told people having a penis really sucks, then tried to make it seem like I joked.
- I spent (and still do) more time in the bathroom than any of my female friends. I use more skin products than they do. Etc.
- Told people straight out that I'm transsexual, and again, tried to recover by telling them it was a joke.

Oh yeah, that reminds me- before I came out to myself there where some funny hints I never picked up on.

During college, I used to go lingerie shopping with a female friend of mine.  She said it was nice to have a guy brave enough to go into a lingerie store, let alone have opinions on things such as cut, quality and so forth.  We where just friends too.

I was drawn to goth- though I never went out in public.  It was the nailpolish and lipstick I loved trying on and I had my stash. I hated male goth clothes, so ultimately just crushed on goth chicks.   Lol.  Again, how did I not work it out?

I was a bigger twihard than my wife.  But I was team alice.

For me it was always my connection to my dad and guy friends. I could hardly relate to my mom and sister.
Me and my dad were the men of the house, we'd go fishing, fix up the house, etc.
My guy friends always said i was so easy to talk to while girls, welli lime em but i cant relate to them, even they saw that.

My friends would always call me manly, lime i put the man in woman sort of things. I would never really protest that and be like hey no im a girl, i was always the husband or king roles in silly situations.

One friend would actually always be like, so how long you been taking T? And id be like. ?

At the time i had no idea what that even was.

But yeah alot of friends werent suprised about my coming out. Guy friends were just like, totally called it, xD

People kept saying or hinting that they thought I was gay even though I dated mostly guys and was presenting as female.

Lol.  Yeah, when I came out to some friends yesterday, they thought back over the last fifteen years and said "that makes total sense"- then proceeded to both come up with memories of things I said and it was on the money.   Geesh they could have given me a hint.     totally accepted me and gonna catch up in several months so they can meet real me.   

Scweet!

For my entire life I had always had significantly more male friends than female friends. I also hated anything remotely feminine. Whenever I went through a drive-thru with my family, I would ask for a "boy toy." My brother treated me like I was a brother instead of a sister too.

Ever since I was about 5, everyone started calling me a tomboy. I think the time I really figured out I was trans was when this one girl said to me in seventh grade, "you're the most tomboyish person I've ever met!"

There was also the fact that I would always fantasize about being a boy. I wondered what it would be like to have male genitals and all that.

Looking back on it, I think the reason I despised all things seen as feminine was because I was trying to put as much distance between me and the female gender as I possibly could.

I was always and still am super emotional.
Had long hair and long nails for the majority of my life.
Being attracted to female clothes. When going school shopping I was always super uninterested in male clothes, and when I would go with my sister I would see stuff and think "I would totally wear that"
Always played as female characters in video games.
Being uncomfortable with male roles in relationships. I didn't want to be the one who had to sweep the other off their feet, I want to be the one to be swept off my feet. I want to be the one to lean my head on their shoulder, not have my shoulder be leaned on.
Wanting to try on nail polish, only recently started doing it in secret. It's hard to do alone but I'll get better and I love doing it
Trying on panties.. Haha there's that. I like being able to admit this stuff.

I'm not sure if my mom ever suspected I was trans but I've always been a tomboy and would fuss over wearing girls clothes.

As for hints for myself, same thing. I also was obsessed with wanting a penis from a very young age.

Growing my hair very very long. No one seemed to catch on.

Quote from: suzifrommd on December 28, 2013, 03:53:34 PM
Fascination with women's books, movies, music. Finding female friendships more fulfilling.

And then there was that time when I was making out with my first girlfriend, and I realized I wanted to be the one with a vagina.

Yeah...I think when you get closer to the girlfriend emotionally, a lot more of suppressed stuff starts to rear its ugly head.

Really reasonating stuff.


I just remembered my fave drinking game.   Before I came out to myself I used to ask people what they would have been called if born the opposite sex- then describe what sort of person you would have been. .. then try and spot someone in the crowd passing by who fits that bill.  It wad actually really funny to do.
Last time we played it, my friends pointed out I would sooo be a slutty art school goth girl.... my wife would have been a jock... it would have been like Breakfast Club.  Bwa ha ha.