I'm a wife to a MtF and we've been together for a long time.  We have just in the past 6 months come to a place where my husband is just decided that fighting who he (she) is is no longer an option.  He hasn't come out but he is becoming more and more feminine and I have been what I feel and hope is very supportive.  We are in counseling.  I think that some days he is happy but I feel that most days he is not.  We have two young sons.  He is trying to live male right now and we want to keep our marriage/family together but be very supportive of his female needs.  Today I am very exhausted.  I am sick (physically--I have sinus infection).  I am also emotionally exhausted.  He is off work and so am I.  We planned to spend the day hanging out as girlfriends, but then I had to go to the doctor and then our one little son got sick and had to come home from school so our day's plans kind of got changed.  I can tell he is totally devestated.  These are things that are totally beyond my control but at first I felt so guilty he couldn't have his "girlfriends" day.  Then I got angry.  These things are beyond my control.  I find myself always trying to make things perfect so he/she won't be unhappy--I want him/her to be happy in the life we live.  I feel guilty that he is living male for the family and being unhappy but he states that he loves us more than anything and has made these choices because he wants them.  I want him male but I love to hang out with him female too.  I have trouble being intimate with him when he is a "her".  I have so many emotions and feelings hanging out here!!  I think I'm just overly tired and worried and today I just feel like crap too.  I see a lot of wonderful people on these boards so I hope to find some friends and help.    Thanks for listening.

Cecile

Cecile

I am glad that you are open-minded and want to reach an accommodation with your SO.  But she (or "he" if that is what you two are using) has to remember that s/he's a parent too.

Girl's night out has to wait until the kids are feeling better.  Goes with the territory.

And you need to get some rest too!

Best Regards
Jamie (parent of four)

Thank you so much for your reply Jamie--the day is just getting worse and worse.  My SO will not get out of bed now--he/she is so depressed now.  Sometimes I feel like a single parent.  My other son wants to go hunting--this is something they have always enjoyed together.  He just called from his grandparents house (he was there to hunt with his grandpa) and my SO wouldn't even speak to him on the phone because he/she is having another "down" day.  I am just sitting here is tears because I don't know what to do.  We keep having all of these "down" days where he/she won't even function and I feel so so so helpless.  Your reply has made me feel a lot better.  Thank you so so very much.  I just want this day to end.


Cecile

Quote from: cecile1973 on January 24, 2014, 03:43:10 PM
I'm a wife to a MtF and we've been together for a long time.  We have just in the past 6 months come to a place where my husband is just decided that fighting who he (she) is is no longer an option.  He hasn't come out but he is becoming more and more feminine and I have been what I feel and hope is very supportive.  We are in counseling.  I think that some days he is happy but I feel that most days he is not.  We have two young sons.  He is trying to live male right now and we want to keep our marriage/family together but be very supportive of his female needs.  Today I am very exhausted.  I am sick (physically--I have sinus infection).  I am also emotionally exhausted.  He is off work and so am I.  We planned to spend the day hanging out as girlfriends, but then I had to go to the doctor and then our one little son got sick and had to come home from school so our day's plans kind of got changed.  I can tell he is totally devestated.  These are things that are totally beyond my control but at first I felt so guilty he couldn't have his "girlfriends" day.  Then I got angry.  These things are beyond my control.  I find myself always trying to make things perfect so he/she won't be unhappy--I want him/her to be happy in the life we live.  I feel guilty that he is living male for the family and being unhappy but he states that he loves us more than anything and has made these choices because he wants them.  I want him male but I love to hang out with him female too.  I have trouble being intimate with him when he is a "her".  I have so many emotions and feelings hanging out here!!  I think I'm just overly tired and worried and today I just feel like crap too.  I see a lot of wonderful people on these boards so I hope to find some friends and help.    Thanks for listening.

Cecile

Hi,

I was exactly where your husband is now in late 2012.  I fought being trans tooth and nail for my entire life until I could no longer at age 43.  I had days where I never wanted to get out of bed and spent entire days crying in a fetal position.  I had to finally tell my wife of many years, who thought I had some kind of hormonal imbalance.  She was right.  If your husband's brain is wired like mine, then it was never fully masculinized in utero and is full of starving estrogen receptors.  After I was on a low dose of estrogen, I was able to get off of all the antidpressants, antianxieties, and the alcohol that I was starting to kill myself with.  From what my therapist said- when an estrogen receptor gets its estrogen, it releases the endorphins that help make you happy naturally.  If it is getting nothing, even testosterone, then you get really bummed out.  I'm sure (s)he thought the dysphoria was manageable enough to just put up with and live like a guy forever, but it really does get worse with age, as I found the hard way.

My wife stuck with me, and she really does like me better now that I'm never miserable anymore and able to express myself the way I always felt I should. 

Your spouse is likely suffering from what amounts to a lifetime of PMS that just got flipped into overdrive and needs a therapist and endocrinologist yesterday.  Both of you sound like you could use a therapist and some hugs.  It gets better, and this is most definitely curable.

Yeah, we have down days, hon.  TG and non-TG alike.

You said you and your SO were in therapy.  This might be a good thing to talk about.

If s/he is depressed, that's one thing.  If s/he is pouting, that is entirely different and keenly unfair to you.  But if pouting is the case, why not suggest a girl's night in sometime this weekend.  Might pick him/her up.  Could be fun. 

(Sorry about the indefinite pronouns.  Let me know what you would prefer me to use.  I am hoping too that a few of the other spouses will sign on this weekend and respond with ideas.  For what it's worth, I identify as MtA rather than MtF, so I see some things from a little different perspective.)

Down, pouting, depressed, or severely depressed are all different. Most are out of your control. Magical thinking on her part does make your life any easier either. Having two kids and a wife with a sinus infection pretty much means any plans any couple may have are fluid at best. To think otherwise is magical thinking. So stop being so hard yourself. Much of what is happening is by far out of your control.

First of all, welcome to the board Cecile.

Just to add to what others have said, I understand that your spouse is upset that the plans you had were put on hold. Life (especially when you have kids) is about give and take and s/he has to know that things aren't always going to work out the way you would like.  But just because your plans changed doesn't mean that you guys can't do anything at all. The kids have to go to bed sometime. Tuck them in and paint some nails, give yourselves a facial, have some fun with make up. I know you're also feeling ill so it doesn't have to be anything monumental. Maybe something is better than nothing. My wife is MTF and when she's having a dysphoric event even little things make a big difference.

I know you said you were both in counseling but I definitely think that if s/he is have major depression issues they need to be addressed asap.

Hi Cecile. Sending hugs to you this sounds like a really difficult journey and you are being so strong. I just want to say though, please don't let your feelings go unheard... it is not fair to be shut out like that. :c

Can your SO see a therapist to help deal with the depression? What do you think?