Misery Loves Company, by Dale Everett
Maybe I'll find a place for this in a screenplay some day.
EXT. sidewalk in a park
JOHN
What was that?
BOB
What?
JOHN
You just smiled and looked all giddy for a moment.
BOB
I did?
JOHN
(annoyed)
Yes!
BOB
Oh! I was feeling happy and giddy.
JOHN
(frustrated)
No kidding. I mean, why. What was it all about?
BOB
(He pauses to think about it for a moment.)
I can't remember now.
(JOHN does it again, more noticeably this time.)
JOHN
There it was again!
BOB
Oh, that time I was thinking about lunch. I made chicken salad with apple pieces. It's really good.
JOHN
You got excited about chicken salad?
BOB
You don't like chicken salad?
JOHN
Chicken salad is okay but I don't get excited about it. I love pizza but I don't have a freaking miniature orgasm over it.
BOB
Oh, I remember now!
JOHN
Remember what?
BOB
What I was excited about before, before the chicken salad.
I was thinking how nice it is that it's not raining so we could go for a walk.
JOHN
What? That's not something to be happy about. Not giddy. It's like Torette's, these bursts of excitement you get. It's not normal and it's a little annoying. You're overly cheery, particularly when other people are not so cheery and frankly, it's not very considerate.
BOB
Sorry.
JOHN
You know what you're problem is?
(BOB shakes his head "no".)
JOHN
Your standards are too low.
(BOB just looks confused.)
JOHN
You get happy about the silliest little thing. It makes no sense. It's kind of retarded. This is just a regular day. No it's not raining, but it is kind of overcast. We're walking because my car broke down; not because it's a nice day.
You're having chicken salad for lunch because your lunch break is too short to go out and you had to fix your own lunch and you can't cook. It's all kinda sh**ty, so be realistic.
(They walk along for a bit more in silence, JOHN looking very self-conscious and glancing back over at BOB now and then. His eyes suddenly get really big and he clenches his lips tightly shut, obviously suppressing something.)
JOHN
What now?!
BOB
What are you talking about?
JOHN
You aren't hiding it well. You're happy again. What is it this time.
BOB
(pointing and smiling)
I saw my favorite color.
(JOHN throws his arms up and spins around.)
JOHN
Seriously? Seriously. Look around you, BOB. There are colors everywhere.
BOB
I know. (smiling big) It's beautiful. Isn't it awesome?
JOHN
No, BOB! No it's not awesome. By any rational notion of awesome, it most definitely is not. You know why?
(BOB looks confused again.)
JOHN
Because awesome implies something rare. If everything were awesome, nothing would be awesome.
BOB
Well, no. Clearly everything isn't awesome.
JOHN
Thank you.
BOB
But... I really like red and it wasn't just any red. It was like just the right shade and very shiny. You know?
JOHN
Wait. Did you see a shiny sports car?
BOB
Yes! That was it.
JOHN
Okay, now we're getting somewhere. A sports car, especially if it was really expensive and impressive, is something to get excited about.
(BOB looks happy to be vindicated.)
JOHN
Here's the problem.
(BOB looks a little defeated again.)
JOHN
It wasn't your car. (shrugging)
If you had a shiny red sports car, that would be something to get happy about. But you just saw someone else in it, and that's actually kind of depressing, because look at us. We're walking due to car trouble.
BOB
I don't know. I don't care that much about fancy cars. They're expensive and I'd worry about scratching it or getting in an accident and expensive repair bills.
JOHN
You're missing the point. The point is for other people to see you in the car.
BOB
But you just said seeing someone in that car was depressing.
JOHN
Exactly! Meanwhile, the guy who owns the car is happy because he's so much better off. See, it's all relative.
Look, BOB. When you're happy all the time over nothing, it's kinda selfish. Most people don't get happy over nothing. Most people have more rational notions of the kinds of things we should be happy about. That way, being happy actually means something.
(BOB nods while JOHN finishes, but then looks confused and ends shaking his head "no".)
BOB
What does it mean?
JOHN
It means... It means... (growing increasingly flustered)
Look, imagine you're just happy most of the time.
BOB
I am.
JOHN
(sighs)
But see, being unhappy is a key motivation for achieving things. It's like fuel.
BOB
Achieving what exactly?
JOHN
Duh! All the things that make us happy.
