I typically only log on to Susans to see if anyone has posted to any of the posts I have been following for the past few years. If there are no new posts I move on to other pastures.
Susans was integral to my survival in the early part of my transition and if not for this place I may not be here. So I try and check in every once and awhile. But I have transitioned and I live a pretty normal and uninteresting life.
I stay home most days, hanging out with my dogs and cats. Watch the tube and check up on a number of various social media sites I am on. Then the house gets cleaned and when Sevan is not at work I prepare meals. I live a typical 50's housewife existence. And to be honest...I love it. It is not the life for many, but I enjoy it. Keeping my spouse and house clean and maintained is my work. Pretty good work if you can get it.

I went to the therapist today and went to Locust Street instead of Chestnut Hill. I forgot Tuesdays she is in Chestnut Hill and my usual day is Wednesday. So we did a phone session as I sat in my car in a corner parking lot and we discussed:

1) I went over my #2-#4 marriage counselors. The #2 is awesome ( #1 was not taking new patients and she referenced #2 and #3). She specializes in LGBT who come out in a heterosexual marriage and sexual therapies. Liz wanted me to call her after the session and I did. I left a message.

2) In the past Liz had asked what did I want to do. I told her in the past but today I told  her what I wanted and in great detail and why. Over the cell I could give detail and why that I could not face to face. From my perspective I want reasonable changes.

3) I told her I am doing PRP hair restoration and my wife said she would divorce me if I did anything. I told her I got my 4 tattoos in secret because I did not want to be told no. My body right. The tattoos and their locations are of extreme importance to me; they protect me. I see their power and beauty and I am protected. When I showed my wife the tattoos she was very unhappy. I could not tell her why I got them, I just could not. I can not tell her of my past either. Too many secrets and the weight is heavy. 

OMG Cynthia I was thinking about getting a tattoo also.. been thinking about it a lot.
I told my wife and she was not happy about it at all.
She is seeing a therapist tomorrow ..thank God...
I seem to be acting too girly and that along with my appearance changing so much she is having a hard time.. My voice inflections are totally different she says I talk like a girl now and act like a girl.. I just don't see it really!!
Told me this morning the old me was completely gone.
So I am going to try to act more business like around her.  Will talk to my therapist about that.
I really had no idea HRT would allow me to be so free but I feel so good I just go with it.
Your posts continue to amaze me.. I really appreciate you sharing so much.....it has really helped me...
Take care,
Carrie

Thank you Carrie for the kind words, hugs. I think HRT is definitely freeing.

I went to the therapist today and we reviewed a few items that came up since our last session.

1) I will need to reschedule the PRP appointment. I showed up for the procedure and the Doctor did not enter me into the time slot. Disappointing but correctable. I will call tomorrow.
2) My wife and I had a disagreement and she went to take off my glasses and by accident hit my face and scratched my far head.
3) I went over that I think my boss is a bit anxious. I think he thinks I am on a fixed schedule and from what I said last May I am getting closer to the 1 year mark at which time I said I may come out and change my name and dress. I am not on a fixed schedule and hoped I HRT would have done more. So I am coming out when it is time. I know that after 9 months it is a matter of time.
4) I told her how and ER Doc and I were on an elevator. He looked at me very closely and stared. I felt uneasy and self conscious. His stop came and he got off the elevator. He never said anything but I say a puzzled face.

Cynthia,
Sorry to hear about the incident with wife and also sucks about your appointment, but at least that is reschedulable.  So have things with the wife continued to deteriorate, or have they improved any, or stayed pretty much the same as they have been for the past several months?

Lexi

I altered #2. She basically assaulted me. She has done it before and will do it again. She was being very disrespectful and I said I deserve respect. This repeated several times then FU's exchanged and then she scratched my face and threw my glasses. I was driving on I95 at the time. 

My wife has been depressed about her job, daughter, animals, house and weight. Now she has me being trans* to add to the list.  I suggested her going to a Psychologist to help which was dismissed. I spoke to my therapist and got another marriage counselor lead. The last 2 LGBT female non presenting counselors were booked up. I will try another tomorrow.

I would say things are the same.

One of the things we should never tolerate is physical abuse. The fact that she assaulted you when you were driving is a major red flag. She put both of your lives at risk.
Please consider moving on or at least a separation.
Just because your abuser is a female is no excuse. That you are 'changing everything' is no excuse. You deserve better than that.

There therapist had some good points to share about the event. I expressed agency, I said I deserve respect ( part of my mantra) and stood my ground. I repeated this every time she made fun of me. I kept cool and acted in an adult way, except for the FU. The therapist asked if I wanted to get away and I went into detail about how I was when I meet my wife and how I am now.  I never believed in love but I have a person I love and have shared 23 years with and had some good times. I had maybe 1 year left prior to meeting her due to alcohol and drugs. I can not go into bars. I have not seen those I use to drink with for 15 years. When my wife occasionally drinks wine with dinner when we go out I stare at it and it is really hard to stay away. I have so far.

The last time I said I would leave and not come back. When it happened I said I wanted a divorce. She said it is a relief. I later apologized for saying FU to her and that I did not mean it when I said I wanted a divorce and that I love her. She refused to apologize for saying FU and for scratching my face.

I asked her what should I tell people at work?  No response.

I never hit her nor anyone in my life except my brother when I was really young and it was in self defense, he is 6.25 years older and is a really bad person, then and now.

I have been thinking about life alone and what that would mean. Where I would live would be the gayborhood. I would rent a small apartment. I work really close to the gayborhood, 10 minutes in rush hour. I do not know, but I think it would not go well. I was stopped at a red light outside Woodie's ( gay bar) where I use to go and if I lived in the hood there are so many tempting places to go.

I used to have some pretty unsavory habits. I have found though that since I have transitioned and went full time those old bad habits have no draw for me as they were crutches for GID.

How did the rest of the week go for you at home? What did you end up telling coworkers as to how you got the scratches? and did she ever apologize?

HuckyAlexis Hugs,

Thanks for asking.

Last week was bad from Wednesday and got progressively better. I was hurt about the lack of an apology. I felt immensely guilty and bad about the event that took place. I was standing my ground respectfully until she said FU and I reciprocated with FU. I should have know better. Now that I have had time to reflect I acted mature (minus the FU). I did not escalate or get "even" (thanks HRT and self acceptance) and I stood my ground. One of my mantras is, "I deserve respect". I weathered much worse than this in the past

I told people I scratched my face removing a branch from the roof. It looked like nail scratches but only 2 people outright said something. I blocked them out and just continued on.

My wife and I are getting along. She said several times this week that she loves me. I have another marriage counselor lined up and I will call tomorrow and see if she has an opening.

I am going to reschedule the PRP tomorrow too.

My daughter (does not know) and I went for a walk yesterday, The wind was bad and blew her and my hair around.  When we got back she said to my wife I have ->-bleeped-<- hair. My wife said what and she repeated. When my daughter went to get changed (going shopping with my wife) my wife and I said did you hear what she said and we smiled and my wife asked (2 times) if I wanted a bra and she would pick one up. I just looked at her speechless. Next time I will say yes. ( she does not know I wear a sports bra most of the time)

What you are going thru is tough. I've been there a time or two long long ago.

Try to move on safely if you can is my only advise. Very few wifes accept a man they married wanting to change his gender.

If I were a cis woman & married a man it would bother me. Try to see the problem from her viewpoint.

Just my little advise & good luck obviously.

Hi Cynthia,
I am in more or less same situation with you. I am 46, started HRT 3 months ago without anyone knowing (i live in the country where MTF therapist is rare, and not necessary to get on HRT.) I came out to my wife. At first, she laugh at me, and then she cried. It has been 4-5 months already since I came out to her. We still live together, she still expected me to change my mind even though I told her it is 100% clear to my mind that I want to become a woman.

I am in fear of losing my family too because it is an extended family where her parents and cousins have much influential on her.

I am glad to see people with the same worries as me. I hope you will pass this moment nicely. And I think the best way is to let her know the big picture first, and then going into details when having a chance or when asked. This process would take sometimes. for her to fully understand.

Hugs,
Jemina

Hugs FrancisAnn and Jeminajay,

FrancisAnn, I understand she has an image of who she married and I am changing the image. I caused the issue because I could not face who I am and I deceived her, regardless of the reason. I need to hold my ground but be mindful of the event unfolding and have the discipline to pull back and deescalate. Sorry to hear you have had the same situation.

Jeminajay, I hope you do well with your situation too. I am not going off HRT or becoming un trans*. She does not know that in 3 years I will look more like her older taller sister than her husband. I have made agreements to not present, wear makeup or cloths or do any procedures until I give her the whole end state. I put off the eventual showdown to gain support for myself and her. I want procedures and to express in some fashion  (jeans, tops and jackets, nothing too flashy). It took about a year to accept and then embrace my truth and my gender. I would say it took 6-8 months to recover mentally from 2 successive days with close calls with fate. I am giving her time to adjust and for me to benefit from HRT,  although the time is drawing closer.

Your journey is your own, but in the sharing of it, it has become our journey in a way also.

This thread has become a great tool for not only you, but a number of other women who have piped up and said something on this thread.
I wonder how many silent unknown women you are also helping?

You keep rocking on hun.

Proud of you in so many ways.

hugz

Quote from: cynthialee on March 19, 2014, 12:16:38 PM
Your journey is your own, but in the sharing of it, it has become our journey in a way also.

This thread has become a great tool for not only you, but a number of other women who have piped up and said something on this thread.
I wonder how many silent unknown women you are also helping?

You keep rocking on hun.

Proud of you in so many ways.

hugz

Agreed 110%. I've been quietly following this thread since day one. Although I'm pretty far along in my own journey, I still remember the days when I was too frightened to even create an account here. For years I gained so much by staying in the shadows and simply reading others stories and experiences. It was also reading those accounts that inspired me to face my own fears and take those first steps.

Cynthialee and ErinM, thank you for the kind words. Susan's Place and the wonderful people here helped me so much. Without all of the wonderful brothers and sisters here I never would have made it to intake. I am pretty happy with how things are going and with my transition, yet ever so slow.

Went to therapy today and we discussed:
I reschedule my hair PRP treatment for Monday. I will call Friday to confirm so I do not miss a day of work for nothing.

Ok, I shared how I really feel about sex and with whom. I can have sex with my wife but I fantasies I am female and with a guy ( have yet to have sex with her in 2014). I have a crush on a guy and I think he is so cute. I would never cheat but would explore my options if I was in an open marriage. My wife has interested past boyfriends from college and if they satisfied her needs then I would want her to be happy. Went over how to frame the conversation.

Went over a pair I jean I will be ordering, need some panties too and a few sports bras and a rash guard (black).

Went over past risky behaviors and current good practices, just in case.

Ok this is between just you, me and the hordes who are sure to read this thread:
Perhaps you could ask your spouse is she would mind if you imagined you two were switching bodies during sex.
It is an honest way to approach what is an otherwise unhealthy thing some of us MTF tend to do when we are 'involved' with a female. If it is above board and known where you are taking your mind during sex, then there is no deception or unhealthy vicarious living.

Quote from: cynthialee on March 19, 2014, 11:24:59 PM
Ok this is between just you, me and the hordes who are sure to read this thread:
Perhaps you could ask your spouse is she would mind if you imagined you two were switching bodies during sex.
It is an honest way to approach what is an otherwise unhealthy thing some of us MTF tend to do when we are 'involved' with a female. If it is above board and known where you are taking your mind during sex, then there is no deception or unhealthy vicarious living.

Exactly, my wife and I had sex sometimes these day. I am not much interested anymore but it is just a way to please her.
I imagined that I were a woman and she were a man. But I dare not to tell her my real desire (for both to pretend the opposite role). So I had it with a male sex expression, against the imagination as a woman. It is hard feeling. but it is okay.

When she was out of town, I was alone and put on make up and dress (as much as I can find). Then, before going to bed, I masturbated with imagination and expression as a woman. I found it much more happier than making love with her. This is good for temporary.

This is what we (you and me) are suffering from not being able to be our own self. We want to take a journey to please ourselves. And day, dream may become true.

Cynthialee, thanks for the reply, hugs. I would love to give it a try. I seen myself as a woman since I first masturbated, been with my first boyfriend, hookups and my wife. I wonder if she could or would imagine herself is a guy. I am fine seeing myself as a female during sex. The issues is after when reality crashes in I am let down and sad, sometime a few tears if I think of the lost opportunities. 

Jeminajay, thanks for the reply, hugs. I have taken the red pill and I see glimpses of the future but return to the present. I am trying to understand or figure out how to have both. Sexual expression with another, for me, has always been about connecting and feeling the other person as myself. Orgasm has signaled the end of being me and returning back to his body.

I went for a hair PRP treatment 2 weeks ago and there was a scheduling mix-up so I made an appointment for yesterday. Waited 1.5 hours in the waiting room. The nurse called out sick. I went in and the MD could not get a vein to produce. He tried several veins (6) and popped one. I will reschedule again. I realize I was dehydrated again. I am drinking a lot more and eating salt (my sodium was on the low point and potassium was at the high mark when I last gave blood last month. On a side note I have significant hair regrowth so I know PRP will get me to where I want to be.

I went to the therapist today and we discussed:

1) What to say to my daughter to address her comments (->-bleeped-<- hair 2 times last week and my breasts this week 3  times). I promised my wife I would not come out to her. So I intend to (in front of my wife) say, Is there something you are trying to say or ask me?"

2) I found a marriage counselor I thought would be great for us and I asked if she will go with me (said she would in the past). She said no. She said what good would it do and what process would she do to bring back my husband. I said it would be a neutral space for us to discuss my transition and answer her question how far do I want to go. She said no. If I do anything we are over. She told me to ask my therapist what process will be used and how will it cure me.

3) My therapist said she is angry and a marriage counselor is a neutral person that would allow her to express how she feels and what she wants without directing the anger at me. She also said she did not construct the marriage situation we are in and she is angry. So what do you do. Destruct it and build a new. A) Divorce, B) separate, C) stay together and be supportive but have arrangements to satisfy one's needs or D) Compromise. This way whatever we choose it is out construct and not thrown on either of us.


Going to therapy is helping to address the piles of desires I put on hold or put aside. There are a lot of issues and a lot of self growth. With the work comes pain and joy, and yet feels good afterwards.