I was thinking about something my ex reminded me of a few days ago. She had a nightmare where I was still with her, and was cheating on her with an actress. She asked me to choose between her and the actress, and I chose the actress. So I said to her (irl after she told me about this dream) "I don't know where you got stuff like that from...even when we were together you were always convinced I'd pick someone else the moment they came along. When really, I never would have."
And she said "you did. You chose J." (J was an emotional affair I had early into my relationship with my ex - I broke her heart, and rather than discontinue the emotional affair, I continued talking to J and broke my ex's heart over and over again
). I said "I know I kept talking to J, but I never actually chose that, if it came down to it, I'd have chosen you." She said "that's not what you told me. You told me once that if you were forced to choose, you'd choose that over me."
My reaction when she told me this was: totally devastated. I don't remember saying that, and I couldn't even fathom myself feeling that way at any point in time. I loved her. When she left me, I was messed up for over a year and a half. Three years later, I am over her, but I still feel terrible over what happened.
So I contemplated on what I was thinking at the time. Why would I say that when it clearly was not true? I couldn't even fathom saying that now...so what changed? Well, upon reflection, I think I know what it was. At the time, I felt I had very little agency. Talking to J was an escape - it was a way to dump all my emotional problems on someone who I wasn't in any way involved with. It gave me a safe amount of distance. If I talked to my ex, it would bring my problems too close to home. With J, I kept my emotions out of my actual life.
Because I wanted my problems to be magically solved rather than facing them. It was a lot easier to talk to someone about gender, abstractly, than to confront the fact that I was trans and actually come out and start the transition process. It was a lot easier to talk to J in an abstract way about abuse, rather than confront the fact that I am a survivor of abuse and, in many ways, was still dealing with dysfunctional and abusive behaviour from others. J couldn't help me solve my problems - I could just get validation that I was an OK person and that it was hard. Whereas with my ex...she was an intimate part of my life and could actually propose solutions, were I willing to take them.
I wish I had known better. I wish I had known that I wasn't paralyzed - that I could, in fact, come out as trans, find the doctors, and pursue hormones and surgeries on my own. That I could, in fact, stand up to my family and not end up homeless. That I could make the abuse stop from others around me, if I were willing to stand my ground and wait for them to realize I wouldn't take garbage. That I could leave a crappy job and find something better. That I could improve the aspects of my relationship that were struggling. Instead I just dove into dysfunction and depression, and lost someone very important to me. We didn't break up over J, ultimately, but it fractured her trust in me, and when I became depressed after my transition was put on hold, it just shattered what was left.
I think I am better now. I tell my girl a lot (everything, lol). I don't lie, I go out of my way to make time for her, and despite the fact that we can't really be official, I am loyal in my heart to her because I know she loves me and I love her too. And if I wait, in time, she may be in a situation to actually be with me. She's worth waiting for. But it's hard to recognize the fact that I have hurt someone in the past. A big theme when I saw a counsellor a couple years back, after the breakup, was self-forgiveness, but I don't really know if I can ever get there. My ex still sometimes feels angry or whatever over the way things went, and she's been so good to me. The fact that we are friends is nothing short of a miracle, and I know that for the sake of remaining my friend, she put herself through a lot more pain and sacrifice than she would have had to if she cut herself out of my life.
