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Dating Update and a Realization

Started by mandonlym, April 03, 2014, 02:14:52 PM

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mandonlym

So it's been a little while since I've talked about my MTF dating cis-guys dating life. The last time I did the guy I was seeing (Social Worker Guy) wanted time to think after he found out I'm trans and had trouble getting over it. In the meantime I've been dating and happy to report that while SWG is still keeping me at arm's length, I've kept going out with a few people, one of whom, Massage Therapist Guy, is now someone I've grown increasingly close to.

The initial connection between me and Massage Guy wasn't as strong, but over time, he's proved to be someone really fun to be around and also really amazing. I love how affectionate he is and also the look of happiness in his face when he's with me. And he's super-cute! Also particularly, he's not just a straight guy who has no problems at all about me being trans, but actively advocates for trans issues and wants to live in a world where everyone should be able to express their gender.

One thing I've realized is that I don't give people enough credit for this. I tend to date people and not really account for their trans-friendliness, just because I've been fortunate enough not to have anyone refuse to date me after they've found out about my history. But you know what, there's a difference between someone being okay with me being trans and someone really, truly, fully believing there's nothing wrong with it, and appreciating what I've been through to get to where I am.

My break from Social Worker Guy is ending soon. I strongly suspect he'll break up with me. But even if he doesn't, and even though I still feel like the hypothetical cis version of me would be incredibly happy with him, I'm no longer sure if I want to be with someone who has to "get over" his fears to be with me. Massage Guy likes me for who I am, and sees me as lovable not despite the fact I'm trans, not because he has a fetish for transwomen, but just because I'm me. I haven't been with anyone like that and it's an amazing feeling.
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Just Shelly

Good for you!! It sounds like being upfront early on has helped weed out the wrong guys and helped even yourself to see people for who they are. I would like to do the same with men I meet but because I don't have the right equipment I don't think the outcome would be the same as yours. Were you as upfront when you were pre-op?

The other problem I run into is when I meet men out and about, I'm not going to tell them "oh I'm transgender" the minute they ask me out to lunch or something. It also doesn't help that I'm essentially stealth outside of my immediate circle of friends and family. What do you do in circumstance like this?

Good luck with your future relationships!! :)
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mandonlym

Quote from: Just Shelly on April 03, 2014, 02:46:49 PM
Good for you!! It sounds like being upfront early on has helped weed out the wrong guys and helped even yourself to see people for who they are. I would like to do the same with men I meet but because I don't have the right equipment I don't think the outcome would be the same as yours. Were you as upfront when you were pre-op?

The other problem I run into is when I meet men out and about, I'm not going to tell them "oh I'm transgender" the minute they ask me out to lunch or something. It also doesn't help that I'm essentially stealth outside of my immediate circle of friends and family. What do you do in circumstance like this?

Shelly, if anything I was *more* upfront when I was pre-op. These days I disclose at the point when I know I want to be in a relationship with the person. In Massage Guy's case, he was the one who actually brought it up and said that he didn't care whatever history I have. He just cares that he likes me and is attracted to me.

When I was pre-op and people asked me out, I usually tried to figure out their politics before I went out with them. If they're queer-friendly, chances are they won't freak out when I disclose, which I did before I slept with them. I honestly don't remember anyone refusing... usually by then they knew they were attracted to me and they're liberal so what's the harm in seeing what would happen?
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Ms Grace

Sounds very positive. Plus...massages!  ;D
Grace
----------------------------------------------
Transition 1.0 (Julie): HRT 1989-91
Self-denial: 1991-2013
Transition 2.0 (Grace): HRT June 24 2013
Full-time: March 24, 2014 :D
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mandonlym

Ha, yeah. The massages are a definite bonus. :)
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stephaniec

Quote from: Just Shelly on April 03, 2014, 02:46:49 PM
Good for you!! It sounds like being upfront early on has helped weed out the wrong guys and helped even yourself to see people for who they are. I would like to do the same with men I meet but because I don't have the right equipment I don't think the outcome would be the same as yours. Were you as upfront when you were pre-op?

The other problem I run into is when I meet men out and about, I'm not going to tell them "oh I'm transgender" the minute they ask me out to lunch or something. It also doesn't help that I'm essentially stealth outside of my immediate circle of friends and family. What do you do in circumstance like this?

Good luck with your future relationships!! :)
the best policy is just to be you
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Joanna Dark

Yeah I broke up with that lawyer guy he was boring...but now me and things with my ex-lover are much better and we're doing a lot better. Plus I love him so when I'm with him Im happy. With the other guy, there as no chemistry. See my ex what ever her is as I did sleep with him last night, in the same bed, not like sex, and idk the only problem he has is me not havig a vag but he has all these business plans that he wants to team up with me with and make money and we're going to NYC to so some stuff. In any event, I don't even need sex I just love being around him and he loves being around me. We just spend the last 36 hours together, so I don't know. For me to be with someone there has to be chemistry.
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mandonlym

Well, hopefully things will go better and he'll get clean. Let me know when you're in the city; maybe we can meet. Massage Guy and I have tons of chemistry. Actually, for me the deep connection with Social Worker Guy is more emotional. But how smart is it to be with someone who triggers me and vice-versa, especially when there's someone else who accepts me for who I am? It's a tough choice, but I feel like I'm making the right one. And who knows, I'm not really sure if Social Worker Guy will ever come around, so I guess the choice is being made for me in a sense.
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stephaniec

life is way too short for it to get that complicated. Just go with the flow and be happy
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Joanna Dark

Quote from: stephaniec on April 05, 2014, 10:20:17 AM
life is way too short for it to get that complicated. Just go with the flow and be happy

Dating is complicated in general...add a dash of transiness and a sprinkle of, uh, I just want to say sprinkle...and you get complicated. Everything is complicated it's what makes life so so so exciting love it.
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mandonlym

Quote from: stephaniec on April 05, 2014, 10:20:17 AM
life is way too short for it to get that complicated. Just go with the flow and be happy

I try to keep my life simple but cute boys make it hard!
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stephaniec

Quote from: mandonlym on April 05, 2014, 03:28:37 PM
I try to keep my life simple but cute boys make it hard!
don't blame you.
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Joanna Dark

Quote from: mandonlym on April 05, 2014, 03:28:37 PM
I try to keep my life simple but [I make] cute boys hard!

There I fixed it for you lol!!!!
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mandonlym

Ha! I'm about to go out with one of them now!
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