I'm confused about my position.  For some time, I strongly identified as a keen cross dresser.  As a young kid, I sometimes imagined what it was like to be female.  This developed into the desire to pass and then I recently started to resent not being female.  However, I don't resent being biologically male so I'm not sure this is actually gender dysphoria.  I've been talking to this fabulous friend of mine who advised that maybe I should wait until I actually get round to cross dressing before deciding what "it" is.

On the other hand, because I'm currently not cross-dressing but very keen to, the resentment could be pent up emotions because I've not had the chance to fully express my feminine side.

It's because if this confusion I'm against taking permanent measures like HRT (no, I'll never self-medicate because I'm not stupid, and why do something potentially very dangerous when not 100% sure?).  I think I'll either take my friend's advice, talk it out with a therapist, or both.  I just find this peculiar because I've never had strong feelings until now.

Could someone please offer some advice or perspective?  Even if it's just "see a god damn therapist"?  What's the best course of action to take?

Cheers.

Hi,

The main thing I've learned from my reading is that ->-bleeped-<- manifests itself in a lot of different ways for different people, so it's really hard for anyone to tell you outright if you're trans or not. Perhaps it's a slope and sometimes you "ease" yourself into it? Idk, it's weird and there are seemingly a lot of mental barriers. But for me I've tried to "get over it" and made huge pushes into masculinity twice before and it doesn't seem to work at all so I don't recommend ignoring it or giving into the "be a man!" mentality or anything like that in response to feelings. Just explore and go with your feelings (not particularly helpful I know especially when your feelings are all over the place). I really need to speak to a therapist when I can get the courage to say anything like this in real life.

Personally for me I still don't know wtf is wrong with me but "crossdressing" is just mentally distressing because my reflection is still just man in a dress and the fundamental problem is my physical body and face - clothes are just material. So I don't do that, like at all. It just disappoints and upsets me. Seemingly a lot of transwomen start to come to terms with it this way but there doesn't really seem to be a "normal" progression outside of feelings of anxiety, shame and anger.

Hope this helped a little.

Thanks for your reply, Izla.

I'm definitely not a hard-wired male and probably never was, I'm just closer to the centre of the male-female spectrum more than before.  It's because I'm not a hard-wired female that the idea of a sex change seems much.  But like you said, that could change.  In the mean time, easing myself into a female role makes some sense.  I'm actually doing that at the moment and plan to take more steps come payday on Friday.

Your friend's advice is a very good one.

See if crossdressing is what you're looking for. I guess gender dysphoria is different for different people. Whether or not you have gender dysphoria doesn't matter, only finding happiness matters, If you find happiness in crossdressing, so be it. I'm guessing you're currently unable to cross-dress?

I thought crossdressing would make me feel better, but I realized cross dressing isn't really important to me at all, I have to feel like a girl, and i just don't feel it right now. I really don't know how else to say it...

Thanks for your reply, much appreciated.  I currently still live with my parents so I don't get privacy and I'd rather start this kind of thing in private.  I'll try to do what I can before I move out in summer, though.

I hope you find your privacy. 

I crossdressed a lot when I was 17, I took such huge risks to do it, I had no privacy, but the urge was so strong that I was willing to risk getting caught just to see how it felt. I cross-dressed right under my parents' noses, I went through a 'late night' cross dressing phase, but it just sort of left me with an empty feeling. I'm glad I never got caught.

Now I look back and think 'what was I thinking? I must have been crazy back then' . I am so glad I was never caught.

The urge is still there....

Whatever you do, don't get caught.... 

I agree with your friend and MbutF. Try crossdressing and go from there.
When I was first figuring out what was going on with my gender, I started with wearing men's clothes, buying a binder, and cutting my hair. I changed things slowly because I wasn't sure and was afraid I'd regret transitioning. Instead, every step I took made me want to transition more and cemented in my mind that I am doing what is right for me.
This may or may not happen with you. I just wanted to share.

Thanks for sharing, I appreciate that.  I'll have to see how things go, but it makes me wonder if I'll go down that route.  Baby steps it is, I might start soon with the smaller things.

Thanks again everyone.

Quote from: Kimberley Beauregard on April 14, 2014, 12:14:28 PMAs a young kid, I sometimes imagined what it was like to be female.

How did that make you feel?

It felt nice.  Those thoughts were a nice departure from the front I was meant to show in front of my friends.  The idea of being female still makes me feel warm and positive.

Quote from: Kimberley Beauregard on April 14, 2014, 04:08:27 PM
The idea of being female still makes me feel warm and positive.

In what way, hon? How do you envision that in your mind? Seeing yourself as female, I mean.

Well, I'm no good at describing my emotions but I'll give it a go.

It's a kind of high.  Excitement if you will.  Non-sexual (though I sometimes feel some arousal).  The idea of dressing up and looking pretty (or as much as I could achieve with my looks) and walking/talking/acting like a female.  Having a feminine body.  The idea feels kind of right.  I see myself as a happier and more relaxed person as a female.

I've never quite been able to feel these things as a male.

Well, aside from what you said in your OP about seeing a therapist to talk about this on a more personal note... something I think is a very good idea, what I would say to you is this:

Trust your feelings over your thoughts. Follow your heart over your head. Emotions encompass so many things that surface thoughts don't. If something feels right to you, then it's a surer sign of what you need to do than the rational part of you trying to examine the "why" in ever greater detail. Sometimes, as humans, we're creatures of instinct, intuition and emotion. We know what we want even if we don't quite know why we want it.

You've single-handedly made my night.  Or week.  Or month, even.

Thank you.

Got some good news.

I talked things out with one of the committee members of the Beaumont society and I felt so much better after out conversation.  I think I get that strong desire to be female when I don't let my feminine side loose.  For one thing, I felt so much better when I placed an order for make-up this evening.  It will be interesting to see how this develops, it's part of the fun for me.

Now my mind is clear, it's time to seize the world.