I debated very hard before posting this, but I have to get this out somehow. I also respect the wisdom of those who post here and felt.... I dunno.

That's the problem, I don't know anything anymore. Who I am, or what I am. I just lost my best friend of 7 years after she suddenly says she has God telling her to take a break from me. A 6 month break. I have a girl I like very much, and who has said that if it were not for the trans bit would love to be with me. Also almost mimicked my mother by stating that I come across as a guy, and not to feminine at all.

Not to mention my own doubts, fears, and paranoia at this. I am trying to be me, and everyone says its a guy they see, not a girl. I relate to girls, have a mental self image of a woman, and feel so much more at peace since starting HRT. I cherish both the good and bad memories I've had over the last year, I learned so much from them. But lately i've had so much doubt on my ability to pull this off. I'm alone in this, even with the board. I'm alone and being put on the spot as the experimental project of the school. Even this girl who keeps giving me so many conflicting messages says she feels it would be better for me to be a guy.

I knew walking down this road would have moments of self doubt, has anyone ever had it this bad? Is this normal? The thought of stopping hurts, and if I even question my gender at all isn't that proof.

I have no idea what I am anymore, i'm not a man, will never be a normal woman, not androgynous, so what does that leave?

Angel,
   I don't know if you are seeing a therapist or not, I hope so, being on HRT. I will address what you are going through though. I, myself, had that problem with myself. It is an inner conflict that you are going through and only you can address it. You are who you feel and what others say about your outward appearance doesn't go hand in hand with your feelings of who you are. I know for me it was the hardest to convince myself in the mirror that I was female. By the time I had convinced myself, I don't think the word convinced is the word I want but it is the only one I can think of now, everyone around me had all ready accepted me as female. I knew who I was but looking in the mirror I still saw my old self. When I first came out and told my friend that I was going through and going all the way is that I said to her I might be the ugliest female around, but I will be female. I don't think that I'm the ugliest or that there is such a thing now. I feel that I'm just a natural middleage woman who just wants to get by. So, Angel, what others see in you is your male side and that is what they are use to seeing. You will no doubt lose some friends and family but you will be happy and those that you do lose, they weren't worth it anyway. You will find new people and maybe some of the family might come back. It will surprise you.
Sheila

Angel,
They see a guy because they've always known you as a guy. They are invested in believing the person they love is who they've always thought you were. They will come up with excuses and 'reasoning' why you're not who you are telling them you are. 'Reasons' why you're masculine. 'Reasons' why you're not feminine. 'Reasons' why you're a guy.

You know who you are, those close to you are desperately trying to hold on to who they thought you were. Don't let their confusion get you down or make you question who YOU know yourself to be.

Angel, what a powerful post.  I can feel your anguish.  I do, however, disagree that you are alone here.  It does feel that way sometimes.

You obviously know who you are.  Swiss psychologist Carl Jung taught that we can either tell the world who we are or the world will tell us.  That seems to be your choice right now.  Who is going to define you?  Will it be you or those around you?  Choose wisely, my young friend.  And let us know how we can help.

Kristi

Angel,

I don't know if anything I say can help, but, for me, transitioning alone is the best route.

I'm not dating anyone, seeing people or having friends. I believe transitioning is difficult. Being around people who disagree with your decision makes the journey more burdensome.

It's not a lifestyle for everyone. I'm a hermit by nature, a frugal one at that, so I like to stay home and save my money. However, you might want to leave the dating until your transition is complete. It's hard for you and more difficult for the one you date.  Your gender issues may cause them to think of their gender issues (such as, who am I dating?) and they're not the ones ready to embrace gender ambiguities.

But if you must HAVE friends.... then you're gonna find out how much of a friend they are. Also, remember that you're putting your friends under tremendous pressure, and just because you (we) transition, doesn't mean that they have to as well. (that is opening themselves to new ideas/values/roles).

*smiles* Thanks for all the support. It really helps.

I guess what is hurting most is that i'm a social person, and i'm making more friends this semester then I have, well, ever. I've even made a few frieds who are from Japan and want to help me with my japanese course. But each new friend I make makes me question if they will still be a friend come January when I go full time. I'm so sick of losing friends to this...

On top of that, I find myself questioning more and more if I can even pass, some days I can see it, others I don't in the least. I'm trying not to focus on that, but as a student wanting to spend time in Japan and become a teacher, it does cross my mind.

I just wish God would tell me what the point to all this was. I wish there was someone like me on campus who I could talk to. Most of all, I wish...well, I wish I was normal.