Quote from: FA on April 27, 2014, 07:23:35 PM
It's sweet of you to say that, but it doesn't make sense when you think about it. I don't know. I'm just doing a lot of introspection lately and trying to understand who I am. Sadly, having too much free time does that to me. But how can someone that doesn't know how to help themselves really help other people? I mean it's like a poor person giving advice on how to be a millionaire? Ultimately, that doesn't make sense. Perhaps the poor man cares about someone else's money problems, but can they really be part of the solution? I feel the same way when I try to offer advice or support here. And why is this so important to me? If it's really important to me isn't there a selfish component to it? Like someone cares about someone else because of how they feel on the inside? That's one of the reasons this bothers me because rather than it being altruistic, it's selfishness and evil. Caring about helping others in some way should be a noble and altruistic act. Yet, I don't think that's what leads me to care about other people's problems or try to help. For example, I feel compelled to start doing charity because I want some more in person social interaction (which I lack greatly and it hurts) and I always get a sense of self worth through helping others in some way. I've done volunteer work in the past and the social interaction made me feel less lonely and the fact that I was contributing something made me have some sense of self worth. I think it can very well help me feel better at this time as well, but that's the point, it's about ME again when it shouldn't be. Am I really concerned about other people in any sense or is this just an entirely selfish quality? I mean the result may or may not be a good thing, but the cause is pretty selfish and thus pretty evil when you think about it. And even if it's not selfish, what right does a screw up have to help other people or offer advice? Is there anything of substance to be offered? I don't know.
In any case, I'm just thinking at loud trying to understand what makes me tick and who I am as a person. I'm not looking to be cheered up or anything because I'm not sad. I'm actually feeling quite content and happy today. I just don't get me and want to understand who I am and why I am this way. the more I hink about it, everything takes me back to the need of approval or validation from other people in some way. It manifests in many ways, but it always comes back to how other people feel and never how I feel. It's bizarre and I wish I could understand who I am. And is there anything good for me to offer to this world? A potential emloyer? A potential lover? A potential friend or acquaintance? Or is everything inside me leading back to a broken and fragile child that needs everyone else's approval in some form or seeking a sense of validation that she didn't ever really get? Will she ever grow? I don't know.
I'm just thinking out loud and this forum is like my home, so forgive my ramblings as I just needed some place to put them.
There's a payoff for every action humans do. Even if its a noble one. Mother Theresa had to get something out of what she did, even if it was just feeling like she was easing suffering. Must have made her feel good, that she was making a difference. People donate to causes because it makes them feel better - either about the situation in question or just that they are helping. And some may do these kinds of things because it makes them feel good about themselves. Nothing wrong with that.
If you get a benefit of social interaction from volunteering, nothing wrong with that.
I suppose it's more of a question of "who am I" and "why am I like this"? There is so much about myself that I'm still learning about and some of it is confusing. In many ways, I am still just that fragile little kid in pain who never grew up. But I don't understand her place in the world, what her value is if anything, and why she behaves the way she does. Why does she give so much power to others? And while she is trapped by that, how can she really be a positive force in this world in any sense when it's all tied into this symbiotic relationship of perception? Why does she even desire to be a positive force for others, but not herself? Who is she? Why is she like this? And how does she get passed it all? These are questions that can't be answered here, and no one can force feed them to me, but they are on my mind lately. Usually, I try to make myself feel better by either doing something productive that gets it off my mind or I try to do something counter productive to reduce the feelings it causes. At a certain point, I have to deal with the feelings rather than pacify them in both good and bad ways.
Quote from: LordKAT on April 27, 2014, 06:32:04 PM
I may be way off base but I think the approval that you are really looking for but scared(?) to accept, is your own. You look inside yourself to see if you are acceptable and when you think not or are unsure, you seek approval from others, usually people you respect. Maybe because if they approve, you must be OK. Thing is, you are OK whether others approve or not. I think the key thing is to think you are all you need to be, after that, anything can happen just by your wanting it to.
I think you're partially right. While I think I'm really looking for self-approval, I don't feel I'm scared of that. I just don't know myself all that well. In many ways I'm confused by who I am and don't understand me. It's hard to accept something that you don't fully comprehend. But in either case, I know I'm not ok.
Quote from: Shantel on April 27, 2014, 05:45:24 PM
Idk hon, I've given advice to a businessman on how to make a lot of money by doing a few simple things to a piece of business zoned property. I couldn't have done it myself because I don't own and couldn't afford such property. He made a killing after taking my advice. I taught my brother how to roller skate as a kid and I've still never been on roller skates myself. I've taught other people how to become beautiful and to become 100% passable and I'm neither.
Good point. I don't know. I'm just trying to understand myself better. Who I am? Why am I that way? Is there anything really good inside? Anything of real substance? Truthfully, I feel very empty lately and a lot of that is probably me just hating being unemployed and hoping this won't last long. I like having some kind of purpose or meaning for myself; otherwise, it's just a lot of meaningless emptiness. I kind of feel like I have no real value to this world lately. I don't know how to explain it.
