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What are you thinking? 7.0

Started by V M, January 16, 2014, 02:44:08 AM

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Bombadil

Thanks Jill. He's a handful though. A total behavior problem dog. It wasn't really the cold stopping me, it's my back. It's been messed up this past week and I just wanted one day break from the potential jerking. You know...

"squirrel? SQUIRREL!!!! MUST HAVE SQUIRREL"

or

"Uh oh, that dog is barking at me". "Oh yeah? Oh Yeah? I'm tough! I'm tough. Don't mess with me. Look how tough I am!!!!!"

or

"BIKE BIKE BIKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

or

"Car! must herd the car! behave car!"







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Ltl89

Quote from: FA on April 27, 2014, 07:23:35 PM
It's sweet of you to say that, but it doesn't make sense when you think about it.  I don't know.  I'm just doing a lot of introspection lately and trying to understand who I am.  Sadly, having too much free time does that to me.  But how can someone that doesn't know how to help themselves really help other people?  I mean it's like a poor person giving advice on how to be a millionaire?  Ultimately, that doesn't make sense.  Perhaps the poor man cares about someone else's money problems, but can they really be part of the solution?  I feel the same way when I try to offer advice or support here.  And why is this so important to me?  If it's really important to me isn't there a selfish component to it?  Like someone cares about someone else because of how they feel on the inside?  That's one of the reasons this bothers me because rather than it being altruistic, it's selfishness and evil.  Caring about helping others in some way should be a noble and altruistic act.  Yet, I don't think that's what leads me to care about other people's problems or try to help.  For example, I feel compelled to start doing charity because I want some more in person social interaction (which I lack greatly and it hurts) and I always get a sense of self worth through helping others in some way.  I've done volunteer work in the past and the social interaction made me feel less lonely and the fact that I was contributing something made me have some sense of self worth.  I think it can very well help me feel better at this time as well, but that's the point, it's about ME again when it shouldn't be.  Am I really concerned about other people in any sense or is this just an entirely selfish quality?  I mean the result may or may not be a good thing, but the cause is pretty selfish and thus pretty evil when you think about it.   And even if it's not selfish, what right does a screw up have to help other people or offer advice?  Is there anything of substance to be offered?  I don't know.

In any case, I'm just thinking at loud trying to understand what makes me tick and who I am as a person.  I'm not looking to be cheered up or anything because I'm not sad.  I'm actually feeling quite content and happy today.  I just don't get me and want to understand who I am and why I am this way.  the more I hink about it, everything takes me back to the need of approval or validation from other people in some way.  It manifests in many ways, but it always comes back to how other people feel and never how I feel.  It's bizarre and I wish I could understand who I am.   And is there anything good for me to offer to this world?  A potential emloyer?  A potential lover?  A potential friend or acquaintance?  Or is everything inside me leading back to a broken and fragile child that needs everyone else's approval in some form or seeking a sense of validation that she didn't ever really get?  Will she ever grow?  I don't know.

I'm just thinking out loud and this forum is like my home, so forgive my ramblings as I just needed some place to put them.


There's a payoff for every action humans do. Even if its a noble one. Mother Theresa had to get something out of what she did, even if it was just feeling like she was easing suffering. Must have made her feel good, that she was making a difference. People donate to causes because it makes them feel better - either about the situation in question or just that they are helping. And some may do these kinds of things because it makes them feel good about themselves. Nothing wrong with that.
If you get a benefit of social interaction from volunteering, nothing wrong with that.

I suppose it's more of a question of "who am I" and "why am I like this"?  There is so much about myself that I'm still learning about and some of it is confusing.  In many ways, I am still just that fragile little kid in pain who never grew up.  But I don't understand her place in the world, what her value is if anything, and why she behaves the way she does.  Why does she give so much power to others?  And while she is trapped by that, how can she really be a positive force in this world in any sense when it's all tied into this symbiotic relationship of perception?  Why does she even desire to be a positive force for others, but not herself?  Who is she?  Why is she like this?  And how does she get passed it all?  These are questions that can't be answered here, and no one can force feed them to me, but they are on my mind lately.  Usually, I try to make myself feel better by either doing something productive that gets it off my mind or I try to do something counter productive to reduce the feelings it causes.  At a certain point, I have to deal with the feelings rather than pacify them in both good and bad ways.

Quote from: LordKAT on April 27, 2014, 06:32:04 PM
I may be way off base but I think the approval that you are really looking for but scared(?) to accept, is your own. You look inside yourself to see if you are acceptable and when you think not or are unsure, you seek approval from others, usually people you respect. Maybe because if they approve, you must be OK. Thing is, you are OK whether others approve or not. I think the key thing is to think you are all you need to be, after that, anything can happen just by your wanting it to.

I think you're partially right.  While I think I'm really looking for self-approval, I don't feel I'm scared of that.  I just don't know myself all that well.  In many ways I'm confused by who I am and don't understand me.  It's hard to accept something that you don't fully comprehend.  But in either case, I know I'm not ok. 

Quote from: Shantel on April 27, 2014, 05:45:24 PM
Idk hon, I've given advice to a businessman on how to make a lot of money by doing a few simple things to a piece of business zoned property. I couldn't have done it myself because I don't own and couldn't afford such property. He made a killing after taking my advice. I taught my brother how to roller skate as a kid and I've still never been on roller skates myself. I've taught other people how to become beautiful and to become 100% passable and I'm neither.

Good point.  I don't know.  I'm just trying to understand myself better.  Who I am?  Why am I that way?  Is there anything really good inside? Anything of real substance?  Truthfully, I feel very empty lately and a lot of that is probably me just hating being unemployed and hoping this won't last long.  I like having some kind of purpose or meaning for myself; otherwise, it's just a lot of meaningless emptiness.  I kind of feel like I have no real value to this world lately.  I don't know how to explain it. 
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LordKAT

QuoteI like having some kind of purpose or meaning for myself; otherwise, it's just a lot of meaningless emptiness.  I kind of feel like I have no real value to this world lately.  I don't know how to explain it. 

You have value to me, for whatever that is worth.

Have you thought about volunteering for something like a children's ward in a hospital. It can be amazing what they go through and the smiles brought on by some one just willing to be with them for a while.
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Ltl89

Quote from: LordKAT on April 28, 2014, 05:54:30 AM
You have value to me, for whatever that is worth.

Have you thought about volunteering for something like a children's ward in a hospital. It can be amazing what they go through and the smiles brought on by some one just willing to be with them for a while.

Aww, thank you, but I guess it's finding self-worth and self-meaning that's my problem.  It's an internal thing more than anything.

Yes, I have thought about that.  In fact, I plan on doing that in near future.  I just don't feel like doing anything as a "boy" and putting like almost every aspect of my life on hold until I go full time so I don't have to come out to more people in the future.  Iknow that's weird but I do like nothing know waiting for the time for me to be me. But that's a great idea.  My sister works in a children's hospital with very sick children, so that's always something I could do.  I just would get a bit sad seeing sick children. 
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LordKAT

Perhaps by being with them, you may find yourself.
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Shantel

8000 posts, much ado about nothing, can't even remember what I said on account of CRS.  ;D
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Lauren5

All the times the commentators called Braxton Miller a hurtin' buckaroo in the Orange Bowl...
I now know what that feels like.
Hey, you've reached Lauren's signature! If you have any questions, want to talk, or just need a shoulder to cry on, leave me a message, and I'll get back to you.
*beep*

Full time: 12/12/13
Started hormones: 26/3/14
FFS: No clue, winter/spring 2014/15 maybe?
SRS: winter/spring 2014/15?
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Adam (birkin)

Went to a store I used to work at, and sure enough, one employee still works there. We made this eye contact when he said hello and you could just tell he recognized me. Lol. But something was obviously different so yeah. He made this very strange expression. I'm partly amused and partly displeased.
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MadeleineG

Quote from: Shantel on April 28, 2014, 09:58:00 AM
8000 posts, much ado about nothing, can't even remember what I said on account of CRS;D

I forget what CRS means.  :-\
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Sephirah

I'm thinking I really like the name Maia.
Natura nihil frustra facit.

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." ~ Buddha.

If you're dealing with self esteem issues, maybe click here. There may be something you find useful. :)
Above all... remember: you are beautiful, you are valuable, and you have a shining spark of magnificence within you. Don't let anyone take that from you. Embrace who you are. <3
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Cindy

I'm thinking I should have worth stockings, my legs are cold and every other girl seems to wearing leggings.
Too late of course!
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MadeleineG

Quote from: Sephirah on April 28, 2014, 06:34:02 PM
I'm thinking I really like the name Maia.

Thanks Seph. I'm trying it on for size.
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Arch

It's already nine, and I have SO much more to do tonight.
"The hammer is my penis." --Captain Hammer

"When all you have is a hammer . . ." --Anonymous carpenter
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Bombadil

and once again I wonder why I am still up

Quote from: Shantel on April 28, 2014, 09:58:00 AM
8000 posts, much ado about nothing, can't even remember what I said on account of CRS.  ;D

that's a lot of posts. I just read in another post that you are a seahawks fan?






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Jill F

I'm thinking that if I could just stop thinking I could probably go to bed.

Stupid brain has no "off" switch.  Anyone want to bash me on the head?
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LordKAT

Quote from: Jill F on April 29, 2014, 02:12:44 AM
I'm thinking that if I could just stop thinking I could probably go to bed.

Stupid brain has no "off" switch.  Anyone want to bash me on the head?

That is what boring movies are for.
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Shantel

Quote from: Jill F on April 29, 2014, 02:12:44 AM
I'm thinking that if I could just stop thinking I could probably go to bed.

Stupid brain has no "off" switch.  Anyone want to bash me on the head?

I hate that when it happens, I've built entire projects in my mind, mentally worked out dimensions, blue print and materials list. I didn't sleep a wink for two nights and finally built this so I could get some rest.

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Jill F

Two hours of electro torture today.

When will it ever end?
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Nero

Quote from: Shantel on April 29, 2014, 10:43:34 AM
Quote from: Jill F on April 29, 2014, 02:12:44 AM
I'm thinking that if I could just stop thinking I could probably go to bed.

Stupid brain has no "off" switch.  Anyone want to bash me on the head?

I hate that when it happens, I've built entire projects in my mind, mentally worked out dimensions, blue print and materials list. I didn't sleep a wink for two nights and finally built this so I could get some rest.



Gorgeous!
Nero was the Forum Admin here at Susan's Place for several years up to the time of his death.
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Lauren5

Issues with pants, they're not working out down under. Is wear skirts and etcetera if I had any, but I really just want to blend in as normal, and not a single girl that I've seen today was wearing anything other than leggings or jeans.
1 year minimum until SRS, ugh.
Hey, you've reached Lauren's signature! If you have any questions, want to talk, or just need a shoulder to cry on, leave me a message, and I'll get back to you.
*beep*

Full time: 12/12/13
Started hormones: 26/3/14
FFS: No clue, winter/spring 2014/15 maybe?
SRS: winter/spring 2014/15?
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