Not a big deal. I'm sure you had a good reason for it just like we all do for things we aren't particularly proud of. As others have said "You aren't alone." I too lost a friend, one who never knew about me being trans and one who I wish I had be much closer with. Death has a strange way of affecting us. It can be a scary experience or a humbling one or both at the same time. The unexpected nature of it is what gets us the worst. All we have is the relationships we forge with others and when that's suddenly gone and it didn't go the way we wanted it to, or end the way we wanted it to, or to never end. Then all we have left is what we had. All we have is the experiences we shared with each other and those experiences will stay with us as long as we live and our experiences with others and ones observed by others will stay with them as long as they live and so on and so forth until the end of everything. Even after we're gone and people forget about us we still shape the world by the lives we touched while we were here.
If you need anyone to talk to you may talk to me. Just send a PM and I will respond as promptly as I can. I'm here to help.
Hugs
LC
(now Luna I think...)