I sort of just spent a couple hours writing a suicide note.  I've written them before, but this one felt real.  I switched it up and sort of just made it vaguely suicidal though.  I suppose if I'm going to off myself then I should at least give transitioning a shot before I do it. 

I really don't think I'd ever pass and that will probably drive me over the edge, so I'm really in a no win situation.  Part of me doesn't want to transition because I'm afraid of being ugly and a clear ts, but I really am starting to break down completely.  I keep getting hit with waves of anger, sadness, and regret all surrounding my not having transitioned.  I almost feel like it's a need and not a want at this point.  When you feel you'd be unpassable, but still feel compelled to transition, does that make it a need?

and I apologize for everyone of my post referencing my fear of not passing, must get annoying after a while, but that's what's holding me back...

Hugs,

You are stuck on transitioning and it is all consuming, been there.

You contemplate suicide, been there.

You want to fit in, been there.

Wondering if you posts are annoying, they are not.

You have so much to gain in peace and calm from having the proper medication in your system. Give it 4 months and see how you feel. You never will know unless you try. That is what I did a year ago. Now I wonder what all the fuss was about.   

Please go to this thread immediately and find a hotline - there are qualified people on the other line that can give you advise and guidance that a forum just can't
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,112545.0.html

I know you may want advise, someone to talk to here, etc but I've seen these situations before the the most I can tell you is you should call a line and talk to a professional because we can accidentally say something that makes this worse

People love you, so please for all of us here call a line and talk it out *hugs*

If you have looked at the before and after thread, you would likely find much of your fears alleviated.

For many, including me, it was a need and the fear of passing (I really dislike that term) was not a major point. The depression and anxiety of not transitioning was too much and it became a point of why not transition if the only other option is death.

You have nothing to lose by making at least some small efforts and a lifetime to gain.

During the summer of 1998, I wrote perhaps 20 or more suicide notes.  I made a few half hearted, fearful attempts to end my life.  And in September 1998 I wrote the last suicide note I will ever write, I drank a big glass of rum, and I stuck a loaded handgun in my mouth.  For 4 hours I struggled with that trigger, but something inside of me would not let me squeeze it.

At the end of those 4 hours, I realized that I didn't really want to die; all I really wanted was for the pain to stop!  In that moment I decided that I had nothing to lose by transitioning.  I had a very low expectation of ever being accepted as a "woman like any other woman", but I truly felt that I had nothing to lose at that point. 

In all my 49 years to date, I have never made a better decision.  I committed to 1 year of anti-depressants to help me get out of the deep dark hole I was in (I did them for that 1 year and have never needed anti-depressants since), and I began the process of openly transitioning on the job I had at the time. 

Fast forward 16 years.  I have never been happier than I am right now.  Indeed, these 16 years have been the happiest years of my life.  I'm happily married.  I live a mostly stealth existence.  Even trans people that I meet from time to time don't recognize me as a trans woman unless I out myself. 

I know it seems like a huge, insurmountable soul sucking energy from where you are right now, but this fear you're experiencing is infinitely unlikely to go on forever, and (I believe what I'm about to write to be true for nearly all of us) your chances of experiencing a successful transition and a happy life on the other side of transition are NO WHERE NEAR as bleak as it appears to you from where you are in this moment.  That was my experience all those years ago, and I've heard the same from many successfully integrated trans women on the happier side of transition.

Is there anything that I can do to help you?  Seriously.

Hang in there, kitten.
Miharu

Sweetie, I knew there was no way I could ever pass! Boy was I wrong. Or do you disagree? Give transition a chance, it worked for me and I was WAY more unpassable than you ever thought about being at the start of HRT. Dreams do come true you know.

As far as passability goes, I know many non-passing trans woman who are very happy with their transitions (and beautiful, I might add). I live in a very tolerant area. If you don't, consider moving - there are lots of places that are LGBT-supportive.

When I made the decision to transition, I didn't imagine I'd ever pass (I was wrong) but I felt it would be worth it anyway to live as my authentic self.

Please go into with a positive attitude. If you think you'll probably be miserable, you will be. The doctor who prescribes my hormones once told me he can predict most of the time who will be unhappy with their transitions. He told me that women who who start out unhappy, often remain so, whereas people who start out upbeat, carry that attitude through their change.

Good luck. I hope this helps.

I can imagine how much pain you are in, been there in my own way on more than one occasion. Jeeze, in February 2013, I wanted a random runaway bus to just wipe me off the face of the planet; but if it had then I would sadly be missing out on some of the best days of my life right now (and hopefully a good 40 or more years to come). My friends, family and others would never have met Grace. Yet when I decided I was going to transition this time, some twenty years after my last attempt, I probably had even less reason to believe I was going to succeed. Dude-me does not pass, but as Grace I do (apparently!) - sure it requires a bit of effort, but the pay off is worth it a thousand times over.

If you fear you will not pass you need to look at why you believe that. Is it an actual physical issue and/or in your mind? What can you do to remedy that? Please talk to someone who can care for and support you. Maybe HRT can break some of the dysphoria you feel. Maybe medication and therapy can circuit break your depression. Getting where you would like to be, being who you want to be is not easy or fast.

You won't know unless you try, won't know if it was worth it until you get there - but hopefully the answer is a resounding yes!

Take care and be well.

Firstly, I just want to thank you all for the comments.  Cynthia, I really do feel that you're right.  I should maybe give hrt a shot for a few months, even if only to see how I feel and I guess whether or not I'm a fast responder.  I'm sort of having trouble finding a good therapist right now, but I'm hoping that within the next week or two I'll have found one.

Suzi, you also may be correct.  I live in Boston (always have), which doesn't feel nearly as liberal as people claim.  I don't necessarily want to leave, but part of me would love to head West to SF or down under to Australia, as I'm aware that both are great locations for trans-people.  I'd love a change of scenery and feel like I may need a totally fresh start too.  Anyone have any input on that one?  Any experience living in either?

Anyway, Grace, I'm not sure if my worries are physical or mental, probably a bit of both.  I'm a tick below 6'0" but basically 6'0" even.  My height doesn't bother me, plenty of women are 6'0" or well above that, it's the addition of my hand size and rib cage construction.  I'm not horribly out of range in any of these areas, but when combined it worries me.  My hand veins may also be a considerable hurdle to surpass. 

I'm not very masculine, while at the same time being very masculine, if that makes sense.  I'm pretty thin... very muscular, but thin.  Yet, despite my being thin, even when at about 140lbs, I still look super athletic.  I'd say I'm about as natural an athlete as possible and I'm EXTREAMLY powerful for a guy my size.  I really hate feeling so strong.  I've won two MVP awards, a Cy Young and countless others across a range of sports, mainly baseball. 

I've said it before, if I transition I'll be going full force as far as my exhausting surgeries.  I'd get the works, from ffs to body contouring and everything in between.  I'd be conservative with ffs though as I think my face is masculine in a feminine way and could easily be feminized w/o going overboard.

I think what I'm most afraid of is that hormones won't make me look any different at all and that surgeries will look off because of this.  I'm also afraid that my skeleton is just a bit too long and masculine.  I know mileage will vary and many have had successful transitions at older ages, but is 26 a good age to begin transitioning?  I mean, should I expect any noticeable changes aside from some breast growth at 26?

Oh, and Jessica, no, I don't disagree.  That was quite a transformation. 

And also, thanks for the offer to help Barbie, that's really sweet of you.  You've helped a great deal already just by your support through comment, but I'm not sure if there's anything else you could do for me unfortunately.

I'm just hoping that I'll be convinced that I'm a better candidate than I feel I am before attempting to transition.  Maybe I'll post an entire body shot, aside from just the neck up, to see what peoples opinions are.  I'm a little worried about my hair, but from the neck up I think I'd be OK.

HRT will deal with a lot of your muscular build. Veins will change with time, if your hand size is due to physical work/muscles even those change some what with HRT. You shouldn't write anything off until you at least give it a go and see, especially if that's what you really want.

Is 26 too old? No. No age is too old. Can you expect more than just breast growth? Heck, it's a genetic lottery, everyone is different so it's impossible to say for sure but all signs point to yes.

You should check out the Before & After thread if you haven't already! A lot of the people there (myself included) probably thought they'd never make it at least at some point... and look at them now (myself included )!

Well I was going to post a few pics for reference, but clearly I failed miserable.  Anyone know how to upload a pic?  I tried following the instructions listed, but I suppose I just did it incorrectly...

Type

[img]put full URL of image here, including the http://[/img]

You'll need to upload the pic to a photo sharing site or a personal online server.

Quote from: Ms Grace on May 19, 2014, 11:05:42 PM
Type

Code Select Expand

[img]put full URL of image here, including the http://[/img]

You'll need to upload the pic to a photo sharing site or a personal online server.

Thanks, I'll try to learn how to use a computer soon...