Quote from: Kimberley Beauregard on May 10, 2014, 01:57:09 PM
Thanks, honey.  Some of my close friends (and one or two other cross dressers) have told me the same thing, definitely a stark contrast to my gutless 16-year-old self.  I'm not ready to go out in public yet and I still need to come out to my parents.  I'm going to visit a gender clinic (hopefully some time soon) to deal with the confusion.

That's wonderful.

Might as well break it down...

I'm really dysphoric about my face and voice. I can often find myself getting upset about it, because I honestly believe I look and sound like a woman, despite being 2 years on T. Despite passing for male all the time on the phone, in person, and having my most transphobic family members admit that I look like a man. I usually just get these really bad thoughts like "why do I even bother, I'll never look like a man", "if I refer to myself as male, people will laugh in my face", "no cis man looks like me."

Obviously my chest and genitals bother me a lot. When I think about those things I don't think bad thoughts, I just feel hopeless, depressed, and isolated.

I don't have social dysphoria in the sense that I care about my gender role...but I feel really bad when someone who is "trans savvy" makes the assumption that I'm FTM. It happened a year ago and I'm not over it. I also don't like being in trans spaces for the same reason, people just assume I'm FTM and talk to me like I'm OK with that. I think to myself, would anyone ask Brad Pitt if he was FTM? Would anyone ask my neighbour next door if he was FTM? No, they're asking because I look female, or at least, too feminine to be a cis. So it's not social in and of itself - it just reinforces my physical dysphoria.

Quote from: ButterflyVickster on May 09, 2014, 02:34:50 PM
My erlyest memories are of playing dresd up with my sisters, they would do my hair and pick out pretty dresses and I'd look ing the mirror and feel pretty, I'd run around the house to show my mum, and remember her luagthing at me, but not that mocking luagth that adorable luagth, like when a 3 year old uses their food bowl as a hat. My dad though no (hat was don't be so stupid, he berated my sisters sbout it, and didn't see what was wrong. Anyway since then I've felt a need to atleast pretend I didn't like being dressed up.

I can definately identify with this. I have no sisters but all but two of my cousins were girls, the two guy cousins were way ahead of me in age. I just didn't fight back too hard though or faked not liking it. God, I must be really screwed up.

Quote from: Jess42 on May 11, 2014, 09:45:37 AM
I just didn't fight back too hard though or faked not liking it. God, I must be really screwed up.

Thats a Common miss conception.
People often think we`re so screwed up that we dont even know basic biology.
But we know biology. We know anough to know what is exspected of us conserning it. And Were even smart anougth to know that Sex isnt gender.

And In Many ways we can understand aspects of society in a greater way than most.

were not gender dysporic
"were gender enhanced" - Joan Law

Quote from: ButterflyVickster on May 11, 2014, 11:05:16 AM
Thats a Common miss conception.
People often think we`re so screwed up that we dont even know basic biology.
But we know biology. We know anough to know what is exspected of us conserning it. And Were even smart anougth to know that Sex isnt gender.

And In Many ways we can understand aspects of society in a greater way than most.

were not gender dysporic
"were gender enhanced" - Joan Law

I really think you are correct on that one. Situations here recently changed on me and now the dysphoria is hitting pretty hard. I have to add to my previous experiences with GID and somehting which I am experienceing now is a little anger, but a very strong since of bitterness mixed with little bit of jealousy or envy. The best way to describe it is that what ciswomen take for granted or actually hate doing are the things that I cherish the most.

Ugh even though I came out to my mom, which went great. I got to much dsyphoria after, I now can't look in the mirror very much. I need to start figuring out what to do I think soon or I'm going to start ripping my beard and body hair out. And the fact that my receding hairline seems worse and I'm losing more hair there.... Ugh finding it on my pillow equal sad...

Also was wondering from other people does the dsyphoria happen less in reference to family and friends?

Opposite of Birkin, a good chunk of my dysphoria is social.  Nothing will ruin my mood faster than the rare occasion that my girlfriend and I are referred to as "ladies" (ugh) I very much care about my gender role in society and relationships, and when it goes right it's a very heady feeling.

I always played with "the boys" when I was younger (and was the leader of the pack half the time) which my feminist mother got a kick out of, but I knew well enough to keep hidden when I'd take off my shirt in my room and look in the mirror pretending to be a boy.

Lost in L, I wonder if that dysphoria is your mind telling you that you're ready for beginning your next step in transformation. That's awesome that coming out to your mom went so well

When I was younger, (pre-puberty)  it was a feeling that something wasn't quite right. I had experienced thoughts of wanting to be female, the desire to wear girls clothing,  but I didn't connect the physical discomfort I felt to that idea. As I got older, the physical discomfort became more pronounced, I experienced periods of profound depression, suicidal thoughts, feelings of disconnection from my body. Somehow, I managed to keep that under control, occasionally soothing the discomfort by "getting dressed", but I still was in denial, refusing to connect "my perversion" with the idea that I am transgender. Finally, in my 50s, I began to accept that this could be a distinct possibility and as I came closer to accepting what I am, the dysphoria became more intense, physically painful as well as mentally unsettling. A lot of the pain was alleviated after I started HRT, but I still get twinges, especially in lululemon season...

Thanks polo my mom being supporting is really good for me. So I should shave my beard off and put it on my head lol? I actually think the beard is like some sort of shield/dam idk I feel it prevents any one who doesn't know even thinking I'm trans, I feel that if I get it taken off it will unleash the want to push real fast for transition... I'm not ready and dont want to do things to fast, I've only realized im even transgender for a little over a month...

If there was a place in town to get it permanently removed I think it would be on its way to gone. Small town makes finding transgender resources difficult....  I've had it since it could grow, I hated it but I never shaved it myself. 30yrs old and i have never shaved. Lol. Wish my head hair would grow like this stupid beard.

My dysphoria is usually very mild, to be honest, and I feel kind of bad saying that, because a lot of people have it very bad, but I'm putting my experiences out here too just to give another experience to it.

I used to always hate myself, I hated everything about myself. I'm not sure if that was dysphoria, but I never felt like I looked right and so that was perceived as I hated how I looked. Even after puberty, I never had dysphoria over typical things, because my breasts were very tiny (I was VERY happy about that), and it wasn't until I gained weight a few years ago that I started feeling dysphoric because of my chest. Thing is, I often don't experience dysphoria because I don't put myself in a position where I will be. For example, I never really look in a mirror because I've always known I'll feel bad when I do. I might look now and again, but only at my face or something, not my body as a whole. I know I have wide hips and I know I have the body shape of a female, but I don't have dysphoria about it because I never see it, I never remind myself of it. And as for my genitalia...if it's sexual, I get very uncomfortable and overcome with a feeling of wrongness in every way. Day-to-day, non-sexual stuff, I don't feel too bad, I guess.

I have dysphoria over my voice, lack of facial hair and the shape of my face a lot, though. Sometimes I go the entire day without noticing it, and sometimes I'll start crying multiple times a day because I've seen a man and it reminds me that I look nothing like that.

My dysphoria is interwoven with my general anxiety and depression issues, but it definitely makes them worse. It seems like many people on this site realized their gender identities earlier than I did though, so I don't think mine is as bad (?) idk.

I have this persistent impression that my body is not as it should be. The way I'm thinking of it right now is like knowing how your room is. Like, you know where everything usually is inside your room and what things look like, and you can walk through the room with your eyes closed and not bump into anything and still know everything about the room.

But then  you turn on the light to see your room and it's 'off'. You thought you knew where things were put and what things in the room looked like, but nothing actually looks like it should. Important things are missing and there is trash lying around the place. There is a sharp divergence between what I feel (I should) look like and what I see in a mirror, what I hear.

Interacting with other people, I see all of these ways I look like men do and all of these things that keep me from looking like girls do. And then there's the guilt, when guys are trying to be nice by being inclusive, but feeling like "one of the guys" is depressing for me. And I cringe when I realize a girl thinks I have (ulterior) sexual motivations with them. I don't even like thinking about it, but being physically aroused as a male is really upsetting for me. I hate that issue of biology and its drives.

This is all usually a sort of dull weight. Although at time I can distract myself enough to feel okay, I sometimes end up dissociating because I can't handle thinking about all of this, and it easily makes me cry. Sometimes I can't stand it, and my thoughts are self-destructive. I've only just started working out the reasons behind my self harming (and suicide attempts). Reading through this thread I see many people having self harm issues, with is both reaffirming (that yes, there are others) and saddening (that yes, many people do hurt this much).

Quote from: Avery.u2205 on May 19, 2014, 07:31:40 PM
My dysphoria is interwoven with my general anxiety and depression issues, but it definitely makes them worse. It seems like many people on this site realized their gender identities earlier than I did though, so I don't think mine is as bad (?) idk.

I have this persistent impression that my body is not as it should be. The way I'm thinking of it right now is like knowing how your room is. Like, you know where everything usually is inside your room and what things look like, and you can walk through the room with your eyes closed and not bump into anything and still know everything about the room.

But then  you turn on the light to see your room and it's 'off'. You thought you knew where things were put and what things in the room looked like, but nothing actually looks like it should. Important things are missing and there is trash lying around the place. There is a sharp divergence between what I feel (I should) look like and what I see in a mirror, what I hear.

Interacting with other people, I see all of these ways I look like men do and all of these things that keep me from looking like girls do. And then there's the guilt, when guys are trying to be nice by being inclusive, but feeling like "one of the guys" is depressing for me. And I cringe when I realize a girl thinks I have (ulterior) sexual motivations with them. I don't even like thinking about it, but being physically aroused as a male is really upsetting for me. I hate that issue of biology and its drives.

This is all usually a sort of dull weight. Although at time I can distract myself enough to feel okay, I sometimes end up dissociating because I can't handle thinking about all of this, and it easily makes me cry. Sometimes I can't stand it, and my thoughts are self-destructive. I've only just started working out the reasons behind my self harming (and suicide attempts). Reading through this thread I see many people having self harm issues, with is both reaffirming (that yes, there are others) and saddening (that yes, many people do hurt this much).

I didn't realize my gender identity until much later. I'm still not 100 percent sure about it, but I do know that there is something off about me and that it relates to gender in some aspect. I don't think I'll ever 100 percent know for sure until I start experiencing what it's like to live as the opposite sex. I can definitely relate to a lot of people here though you included. Especially where you said when guys try to include you but you don't feel like you belong and you get the feeling that girls are thinking you have ulterior motives behind being kind to them. I too hate my male sex drive. I've had some suicidal thoughts but if there's one thing I'm not is one who simply gives up. I will not quit, ever. Thank you for responding Avery.u2205 and to everyone else who has responded as well. If anyone wants to talk more in depth please do not hesitate to PM me. I will gladly talk to anyone.

Quote from: Lady Curiosity on May 09, 2014, 08:40:48 AM
Sometimes my dysphoria is strong other times it is subtle. Most of the time I just feel a big detachment from everything going on in my life. I have no motivation to be the best person I can be because I feel that I am living some sort of lie. Sometimes I want to scream and throw a fit like a 2 year old wanting sweets, but I should know better so I keep a silent appearance on the outside. While inside I'm screaming and pouting. Each time I see a girl whom I could see myself as my mind throws its fit. "It's not fair!" I scream inside. Then I have to try to calm myself down because acting childish will not get me what I want. So I go into blank mode and detach myself from the feelings but this creates a dull existence. I feel boring. I can't make connections with others. I seem disinterested in their lives when in fact I care very deeply for them and don't want to see them suffer. So, my question is how do you all experience dysphoria? Does anyone experience it similarly to myself or is everyone a little different with it?

So glad you posted this question, I have seen dysphoria used in so many posts, and was never quite sure of what it meant for everyone or if I even experienced it.  I actually discussed it with my therapist today as to why I don't feel these strong attacking feelings that so many others seem to have when people treat them like the wrong gender. 

Wow, well, your initial post is EXACTLY what I experience mixed in with a lot of despair of not having a future worth living.  Just yesterday, at work, I had that pouty feeling you spoke about almost all day long, and even said to myself a couple times out loud that it just wasn't fair mixed in with some tears when no one else was around.  It was a chore to get up the motivation to do the simplest tasks because i felt so frustrated and detatched.  Thanks so much for asking the question, and for providing your experience with it.  Thanks to everyone for providing their experiences as I saw a lot of what I experience in yours.  Through all of the abnormality of being trans, it made me feel a little normal for a brief moment.

Quote from: Kylie on May 19, 2014, 11:27:18 PM
So glad you posted this question, I have seen dysphoria used in so many posts, and was never quite sure of what it meant for everyone or if I even experienced it.  I actually discussed it with my therapist today as to why I don't feel these strong attacking feelings that so many others seem to have when people treat them like the wrong gender. 

Wow, well, your initial post is EXACTLY what I experience mixed in with a lot of despair of not having a future worth living.  Just yesterday, at work, I had that pouty feeling you spoke about almost all day long, and even said to myself a couple times out loud that it just wasn't fair mixed in with some tears when no one else was around.  It was a chore to get up the motivation to do the simplest tasks because i felt so frustrated and detatched.  Thanks so much for asking the question, and for providing your experience with it.  Thanks to everyone for providing their experiences as I saw a lot of what I experience in yours.  Through all of the abnormality of being trans, it made me feel a little normal for a brief moment.

You're most welcome. What is normal anyway? What I experience is normal for me. For others their experience is normal to them. We are told what we experience is not normal when in fact it's just not the default, what most experience.  I'm glad to have found others like myself to share experiences with.

Some additional information. The physical part of my dysphroria, the part I believe is caused by the hormone imbalance has always felt to me like the prelude to a panic attack. In the past I would attribute it to some random occurrence, get angry and start an argument. When the argument blew over the dysphoria did as well. Now that I realize what's going on I can avoid the spurious argument but over this past week I've noticed something I hadn't expected. The dysphoria ebbs and flows but it never quite goes away. My wife has noticed the difference, and appreciates it, but I do have to be on guard not to be too touchy and it gets harder and harder for me to appear calm.

Of course, this morning I have more reason than usual. My wife is meeting with my therapist in half and hour so that my therapist can help me figure out how to approach her with this. I have a not irrational fear that my wife will leave that meeting expecting me to immediately tell her what's going on.

You know, rereading some of these experiences in this thread I came to realize that I do suffer from really bad dysphoria at times. It is not social, I can blend in pretty good there. In other words when I see a woman or girl I think is attractive or even unattractive sometimes I am more envious than anything else which is due to dysphoria. Mentally it is really mild, most times it is just there but not really soul crushing out and out dysphoric. Watching television though is when the dysphoria gets really bad. Seeing women on TV in the privacy of my own home just leads to heaviness in the heart, a sort of anger toward whatever whether God, nature, genetics or that for the fastest sperm that led to my conception that carried the wrong chromosome. Anyone else feel this way or is it indeed time for the rubber room for me?

Quote from: Jess42 on May 27, 2014, 12:06:53 PM
You know, rereading some of these experiences in this thread I came to realize that I do suffer from really bad dysphoria at times. It is not social, I can blend in pretty good there. In other words when I see a woman or girl I think is attractive or even unattractive sometimes I am more envious than anything else which is due to dysphoria. Mentally it is really mild, most times it is just there but not really soul crushing out and out dysphoric. Watching television though is when the dysphoria gets really bad. Seeing women on TV in the privacy of my own home just leads to heaviness in the heart, a sort of anger toward whatever whether God, nature, genetics or that for the fastest sperm that led to my conception that carried the wrong chromosome. Anyone else feel this way or is it indeed time for the rubber room for me?

Quote from: Jess42 on May 27, 2014, 12:06:53 PM
You know, rereading some of these experiences in this thread I came to realize that I do suffer from really bad dysphoria at times. It is not social, I can blend in pretty good there. In other words when I see a woman or girl I think is attractive or even unattractive sometimes I am more envious than anything else which is due to dysphoria. Mentally it is really mild, most times it is just there but not really soul crushing out and out dysphoric. Watching television though is when the dysphoria gets really bad. Seeing women on TV in the privacy of my own home just leads to heaviness in the heart, a sort of anger toward whatever whether God, nature, genetics or that for the fastest sperm that led to my conception that carried the wrong chromosome. Anyone else feel this way or is it indeed time for the rubber room for me?

I often think about what i'd be like if I were born a genetic girl.  But the more I try to imagine the more impossible it becomes. I like a lot of aspects about myself.  I just don't like how I look and my current social role. I do wish I could change my sex from birth though and i've definitely shook my fist shouting at nature inside a lot of times.

For me it's mostly a physical sensation. Almost entirely, I would say. A dissociation from my body, like wearing a shoe two sizes too large, feeling like you're actually wearing something on top of yourself and can feel it moving around but don't feel integrated with it. It's a very odd feeling. Although that's normally only a mild sensation for me. When it's bad, is usually after I wake up or as I'm about to sleep. When the barrier between conscious and subconscious are thinnest, the hypnogogic and hypnopompic phases of sleep. Then I feel phantom limb sensations, insomuch as I feel like I actually have a different bodyshape, with anatomy that's where it should be. I guess it's my sense of self bleeding though. And sometimes being jolted back into the physical is very, VERY jarring, disconcerting and mentally traumatic. Moreso if I've woken from a dream and for a few moments am slightly confused about what I'm seeing, or feeling, before the crushing realisation dawns.

My dysphoria has gone thru major episodes in my life. When I was young I would argue with my parents about how much I wanted to be a girl until I learned that was unacceptable in my father's house. Later, after the army, when I was 22-23 I decided to transition. I knew who I was and that was that. And again when I was 32, and now again at 44... ugh! My body when I close my eyes actually feels different than when I open my eyes. I can sense my missing breasts, hips and oddly enough ghost ovaries... I have sympathy periods in sync with my spouse... lol if she only knew why I'm soo moody at the same times she is... Watching my ex and current spouse when they were pregnant was the worst. I felt cheated out of an experience that was supposed to be my ultimate triumph in life.

So I guess for me its regret at lost experiences and severe anxiety everytime I see a woman who looks like I do in my head...

Quote from: Lady Curiosity on May 27, 2014, 02:33:05 PM
I often think about what i'd be like if I were born a genetic girl.  But the more I try to imagine the more impossible it becomes. I like a lot of aspects about myself.  I just don't like how I look and my current social role. I do wish I could change my sex from birth though and i've definitely shook my fist shouting at nature inside a lot of times.

I often wonder that too. But the thing I wonder is if I would be the same me inside just with a different body. What exaclty would I be doning if I had been born genetically female? I know from the other side, our brothers in this equation, may feel different but I believe that I would have been able to handle life matters a lot better being female.

Quote from: Sephirah on May 27, 2014, 03:02:38 PM
For me it's mostly a physical sensation. Almost entirely, I would say. A dissociation from my body, like wearing a shoe two sizes too large, feeling like you're actually wearing something on top of yourself and can feel it moving around but don't feel integrated with it. It's a very odd feeling. Although that's normally only a mild sensation for me. When it's bad, is usually after I wake up or as I'm about to sleep. When the barrier between conscious and subconscious are thinnest, the hypnogogic and hypnopompic phases of sleep. Then I feel phantom limb sensations, insomuch as I feel like I actually have a different bodyshape, with anatomy that's where it should be. I guess it's my sense of self bleeding though. And sometimes being jolted back into the physical is very, VERY jarring, disconcerting and mentally traumatic. Moreso if I've woken from a dream and for a few moments am slightly confused about what I'm seeing, or feeling, before the crushing realisation dawns.

Worded like that Sephira, I guess I do have that same feeling of being dressed not quite right. So I probably do experience a mild physical dysphoria.

About the dreams and the crushing feeling of reality after waking, Oh yeah. I know.