My triggers are strange I guess. It seems that for most movies, tv shows and seeing real life situations of what we've missed out on is a trigger for most. But for me every time I watch a movie like the sisterhood of the traveling pants for example, in a way I feel better about myself because despite losing my adolescence to a severe depression,  I forget about my troubled past and I'm able to live through those characters for just a few moments. Its very therapeutic, it heals a bit of my broken past.  On another note I love watching movies I've seen before since I've been full time. I see it from a whole new perspective I didn't have before.

I've made peace with that decade of my life I'll never have back. It's tough to think about but at the same time I learned a lot throughout those years, it gave me a ton of wisdom about myself. I see a lot of cis friends and people in their 20s dealing with a lot of the same issues I was forced to face forever ago. In hindsight I feel lucky because at least I can spend this decade living my life exactly how I want to and not wasting so much time like I did throughout those troubling years.   

An unexpected trigger for me was anytime someone from my past would out of nowhere try to make contact. Like being called by my old name is super triggering. I really need to change my number..

Hi Megan Joanne;
Yes you story, brings back so many memories for me growing up. All I ever wanted to do in my years from when I knew I was different than other boys (from Age 6) was to be with the girls in my school, my group and with the families, but all to often I was asked not to listen in or be together with the girls as "how could I understand " girls stuff as I was "just a boy.

Some 24 years later, when I transitioned for the first time, I was incredibly lucky to form three key relationships with women, as I transitioned. One was my ex Secretary, in my last male job. She became my rock and helped encourage me so much . She was a vibrant sole and very feminine and very fashionable, but hopelessly in love (until the boy left her). After some 6 months I moved in with her and we shared an apartment together for over a year during my second year of living full time. I can remember one day soon after I moved in with her I was standing in the bathroom, getting ready for work in just my bra and panties, putting on my make-up and she came into the bathroom and promptly sat on the loo to change her tampon. I said darling, I will let you use the loo on your own. I remember she said, don't be silly Judy we are both girls here! Over those 14 months we did a lot of female bonding and she taught me so much and really helped me to think and act as a woman on a day to day basis. Getting ready for work together  each day (I was working then as a Secretary/Receptionist), meeting up after work and doing so much together with her and her sister was just amazing as she treated me 100% as female. It made up for all those lost years. We only separated when she got a new job in Swindon, whilst I was in London.

The second woman was my next door neighbour. She was about my age and a Marketing Director with a local company. The week of my transition, I came out to her and the couple next door as well). Maggie was also amazing. A very outward going, energetic, incredibly ft and beautiful woman. She took my under her wing and encouraged me to dress full time. (Alison my girlfriend above & Maggie together took all my male clothes to the charity shop one weekend when I was at the Beauticians getting a full leg wax and my bikini line done). Over dinner they explained that this now meant I was committed 100% to only dress as a woman. I really loved them both, but Maggie was my idol was someone to copy. She had fantastic style. Anyway she had this group of other professional girlfriends that she met once a month for dinner and she invited me along to one of their dinner sessions (they would always meet up for dinner sat a local restaurant and then end up at one of their houses for more "female bonding" and generally everyone stayed over. The first session was a little stilted, but Maggie had obviously briefed them and all four of the women made me very relaxed and  from them on treated me no differently than themselves. I used to love those Girls nights out. Again it was like the  "Sisterhood".  Unfortunately Maggie got offered a job in Silicon Valley (Palo Alto) although I did visit her three times as Judith on holiday. Her ex UK boyfriend Peter also had a  thing with me, but that is another story.

The third women in my life at that time was an older women called Yvonne (and her husband). They were both bi-sexual, but Yvonne and her husband always encouraged me to come and stay with them at weekends when I wasn't doing something else. Yvonne and I used to do frequent shopping trips into London from Newbury where they lived. Again they treated me totally as a woman, but there was a Sexual element to the relationship. But the female bonding with Yvonne (and her husband) and a group of other swinging couples they knew was also quite empowering for me.

Unfortunately I lost all three when I was outed at work and was forced through financial pressures and family pressures to de-transition.

The loss of those incredibly strong women has never been replaced, but has made my second transition easier from all that coaching;

Wow judithlynn, that was incredible. Crazy how life is. Too bad though that you had to go back into your shell and hide away for a while, that you had to lose them all as friends because of it. But sometimes the best friendships are short, like people passing by, a small kindness or experience shared can sometimes have the greatest positive impact on your life. You learned some wonderful things from them and remember them all fondly, keeping them in your heart always because of their kindness towards you.

Thank you for sharing these memories.

I won't ask why (but I did just hint), but I'm curious as to why this would break friendships that seemed so solid. You don't have to say, but after all that it did strike me as sad that them knowing you as trans and accepting you wholeheartedly, suddenly detransitioning would change all that.

Sadly, as a kid, every time I managed to establish a close relationship with other girls my age something would happen to very bluntly remind me I "wasn't one of the girls"...

Yeah, you get too close and it just reminds you more.

^^^ Wow. You hit all the right notes with what I'm constantly thinking about.

THIS IS MY BIGGEST TRIGGER

Portrait of Lotte 0 to 14 years in 4 min


Seeing this kind of stuff tears me apart. Which is my reason for posting this

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,166601.0.html

Hi Megan Joanne;
In answer to your question. Basically my friend Alison moving to Swindon for a new job left me in a position to needing a new place to live. I actually moved in with the couple in Newbury for a short while, but as I mentioned this was really a sexual relationship thing by them and although I adored them at the time I was quite unsure of my sexuality.  However I found it quote tough commuting into London on a daily basis to my job as a Secretary/Receptionist and was looking for work when I landed the job with Abbey National Bank in Milton Keynes. so I  found a cottage to live in nearby  and I did quite well there. I was in the job about 8 months, , but one night  the girls from my team plus some of the men from the office went out to a local night club. We were all dolled up for the night. I was wearing quite a sexy sand slinky dress including nice heels and as the evening wore on, I had perhaps a little too much White wine. Anyway I found myself dancing with this quite attractive guy from the office  and suddenly the music changed to a slow (give me a body hug number). He wanted to continue dancing. It was OK for the first 5 minutes or so then he got "wandering hands" and of course felt something that wasn't supposed to be there.

Luckily the music stopped and I sat down, but I could tell from his face, he was thinking - Yipes!.  The following week I was having a coffee with four of the girls in the office. (I should explain I always wore a miniskirt, blouse, jacket, pantihouse and heels in those days - not micro mini , but definitely a bit sexier than I would wear today and  always looked really great. Anyway over coffee one of the girls asked if I was a TS. I decided to come clean and asked her what prompted it. Well it came out that "groping hands" had been talking about me and the day before I was eating some crisps  at afternoon tea and unlike most women and I had put a lot in my mouth at once - very unladylike. This created doubts in her mind. Back then in the UK (in the mid 80's, being trans in the UK was much much harder than it is today. People were not so accepting. Anyway they all thought I was Postop - because back then I did pass 99%. No Adams Apple, small hands, small feet etc. Anyway after two days the whole floor knew, then HR said that a group of women (I never found out who) had objected to me using the women's toilets and that as I had not disclosed my situation I was laid off.

Coincidentally whilst all this was happing , I been trying to sum up the courage to come out to my parents and family - A very traditional UK working class family, and then out of the blue I was head hunted (in my former male self - to a top very well paid job in Australia.). I had been in Australia for 6 months before I transitioned. This was also about the time my best friend and neighbour moved to America.

So I had lost my job, my self confidence and my support network and my financial situation was not great.  The couple in Newbury asked me to move in permanently with them then as a sort of live in housemaid/au pair."with benefits". They said they would fund my transition,  But in the end I was not ready for such a sexual commitment.

I reluctantly decided to de-transition and moved to Australia, on the premise that I would still transition slowly, but work on building myself to a position financially to support myself what ever happened. That was 24 years ago.
Obviously as we all know (well those of us that are older) Gender dysphoria never leaves you and the older you get  the worse it gets.

My biggest regret is that I didn't stick with the first transition. Mind you this was before the Internet, before surgery in Thailand etc etc

That was some experiences judithlynn. Mr. Wandering Hands, I'd like to go back in time and to that point in place to break his fingers for you, may I? That one jerk got it all rolling downhill for you. But being strong you didn't give up. Hugs for you.

i found a new trigger. my music -.- unfortunately the songs i'm listening to are major triggers plus the shows i watch on tv

Leave it to Ms Grace to post a really funny joke, and then a first class bummer! I did have a young life of active male bonding, but what, perhaps, could I have missed, otherwise? It's a question that should be put out to the Universe, as it's something which mere mortals must have great difficulty pondering: What if? Yes, that's a really good question, and though I'm not sure that there has been any connection to any sadness with which I might have lived, I hope that at some point I, too, am not kicked in the guts by it. Thank you, Ms Grace, for the warning.