i know i'm much happier taking this journey of mines, and i do see that this is something i really want, but i cant get over this hatred i feel about myself. even if i was to get the surgery and become a complete female physically, mental and emotionally, this self hatred i feel runs even deeper than my psych and even my unconscious mind. i cant seem to get to the root of why i feel such strong hate towards myself. this is the only question that i cant find an answer to and its kinda of annoying because i want to love myself but i cant seem to find a way or a path to get there

Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on June 21, 2014, 09:42:39 PM
i know i'm much happier taking this journey of mines, and i do see that this is something i really want, but i cant get over this hatred i feel about myself. even if i was to get the surgery and become a complete female physically, mental and emotionally, this self hatred i feel runs even deeper than my psych and even my unconscious mind. i cant seem to get to the root of why i feel such strong hate towards myself. this is the only question that i cant find an answer to and its kinda of annoying because i want to love myself but i cant seem to find a way or a path to get there

The root may have been put in you by someone else. There's a lot of people that hate those that are different, for whatever reason, and it's sometimes not that hard for one to agree with them, especially if you agree with them on other unrelated things.

It may also be that you are carrying some misogynistic attitudes this society has, and that wanting to become a woman is making you experience them in reverse.

It could also be something else, but in any case, you should not hate yourself just because you want to be a woman. Many of us, myself included, have had these feelings though. For me, I redirected the hate onto society, though I'm not sure that's the best way to handle it.

perhaps. hmm, i'm thinking maybe at has to do with being used as nothing more than a sex toy when i was younger, and i adopted that idea because i was getting noticed and well, though it was wrong i felt wanted o.o but now, i'm getting payed no mind really other than perverted looks, its starting to weigh on my psych as if i'm not good enough anymore, or am i not use able anymore. thats the only explanation i can think of or that weighs a lot stronger than any other options.   idk what it is but its causing me to much grief.

QuoteThe root may have been put in you by someone else. There's a lot of people that hate those that are different, for whatever reason, and it's sometimes not that hard for one to agree with them, especially if you agree with them on other unrelated things.

Yeah, this can be a cause, other people can insert seeds of self hate into you, its very easy to think its you when its them. Dont think too much of what other people think of you, OP. If they are  other underlying issues causing this, find out what is and maybe talk to someone close to you or a therapist. You could also find some self help material online if you prefer this way, also it might help to surround yourself with people who don't make you feel negative about yourself, either by what they say or do.  And if they are strangers who look down on you, who cares what they think, they wont be in your life for long. The problem is them not you.

Quoteperhaps. hmm, i'm thinking maybe at has to do with being used as nothing more than a sex toy when i was younger, and i adopted that idea because i was getting noticed and well, though it was wrong i felt wanted o.o but now, i'm getting payed no mind really other than perverted looks, its starting to weigh on my psych as if i'm not good enough anymore, or am i not use able anymore

Thats awful, sorry to hear that. But remember what has been done to you or what other people do does not define who you are. You are still in control of your own life and future. I know its not easy to get over this mindset, but it helps to recognise it in the first place and work towards overcoming this. You have already made an important step by recognising your issues and making a post to ask for advice .

Quote from: Marvel on June 23, 2014, 01:35:30 PM
Thats awful, sorry to hear that. But remember what has been done to you or what other people do does not define who you are. You are still in control of your own life and future. I know its not easy to get over this mindset, but it helps to recognise it in the first place and work towards overcoming this. You have already made an important step by recognising your issues and making a post to ask for advice .

i know. i feel a little better getting it off my chest and i'm finally able to dive a bit deeper. i think its the fact i hate being alone. at least 99% of the time i'm riding "solo" so to speak but yet when i'm not alone, i tend to isolate myself even more. its really frustrating. even my therapist is perplexed about this and is trying to help me through it. its just unfortunate though i cant see my therapist until sometime next month which is making me concerned

Have you ever tried hypnotherapy? Most therapist and psychiatrists do know a couple that they work sith or refer patients to. Ask yours. That my get you to the root of the problem instead of sjut guessing.

Quote from: Jess42 on June 23, 2014, 04:25:09 PM
Have you ever tried hypnotherapy? Most therapist and psychiatrists do know a couple that they work sith or refer patients to. Ask yours. That my get you to the root of the problem instead of sjut guessing.

i've done it before but because i'm not receptive to hypnosis and i'm so guarded to the point that even if i was under mind control no one can get into my brain, its something that hasnt been or would be brought up until i deal with the cause of my excessive guardedness, but i would give it a shot again becuase i must know whats going on in my sub and unconscious mind thats causing me to hate myself so much or since i have an idea, what is fueling this hatred of mines. once i destroyed my closet, everything whether surface or under surface feelings just rushed at me. i just want them to go away and leave me alone

Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on June 23, 2014, 04:38:06 PM
i've done it before but because i'm not receptive to hypnosis and i'm so guarded to the point that even if i was under mind control no one can get into my brain, its something that hasnt been or would be brought up until i deal with the cause of my excessive guardedness, but i would give it a shot again becuase i must know whats going on in my sub and unconscious mind thats causing me to hate myself so much or since i have an idea, what is fueling this hatred of mines. once i destroyed my closet, everything whether surface or under surface feelings just rushed at me. i just want them to go away and leave me alone

I do know hypnotherapy isn't cheap. Actually they charge more than the psychiatrist. It actually may take many sessions from what I understand. I did it once a long time ago with a friend that was learning how to do it and I wasn't that hard to put under. But the thing is from what he told me is that if you aren't meant to know, even under hypnosis you won't be able to answer it.

Quote from: Jess42 on June 23, 2014, 04:55:04 PM
I do know hypnotherapy isn't cheap. Actually they charge more than the psychiatrist. It actually may take many sessions from what I understand. I did it once a long time ago with a friend that was learning how to do it and I wasn't that hard to put under. But the thing is from what he told me is that if you aren't meant to know, even under hypnosis you won't be able to answer it.

i just dont want them to go to far in. i have major trust issues and since its clearly noticable, i get taken advantage of. i just feel like a puppet on strings

Your problems will not go away if you don't allow help. You will be stuck in this endless cycle and never be at peace with yourself or others. 

Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on June 23, 2014, 05:08:57 PM
i just dont want them to go to far in. i have major trust issues and since its clearly noticable, i get taken advantage of. i just feel like a puppet on strings

Sometimes Brianna, we just have to trust people especially those that are supposed to be professional and trying to help us. The thing is that a professional whether therapist, psychiatrist or hypnotherapist do have, whatever they call it, patient, Dr. confidentiality. I know I spent the better part of almost three years beating around the bush and my last appt. when I told my psychiatrist about the gender deal it was like a weight was lifted off my chest. Now I can finally deal with the real problem which to me isn't that big of a deal anymore and what I've been doing is more comfortable and seems less urgent.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on June 23, 2014, 05:14:25 PM
Your problems will not go away if you don't allow help. You will be stuck in this endless cycle and never be at peace with yourself or others. 

Wow Jessica something about the Jess part in a name. Well I ain't gonna say we are smarter but maybe a little wiser. Could be age too though which I don't even want to think about.

i know i need to open up, but there are many secrets i have that i should share but i'm to afraid to say. i wont be able to see my therapist until sometime in july but i dont fighting anymore so i yet again hit a wall of doubt and confusion. sometimes i wonder why i'm so stubborn and turned out to be a total basket case

Quote from: Jess42 on June 23, 2014, 05:22:46 PM
Wow Jessica something about the Jess part in a name.

We are JESS special!!

Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on June 23, 2014, 05:30:47 PM
i know i need to open up, but there are many secrets i have that i should share but i'm to afraid to say. i wont be able to see my therapist until sometime in july but i dont fighting anymore so i yet again hit a wall of doubt and confusion. sometimes i wonder why i'm so stubborn and turned out to be a total basket case

I have so many skeletons in my closet that the mayor of the town I live in asks me if the city can borrow them and hang them along the street during Holloween. Until you can open up Brianna you are gonna keep banging your head against that wall of doubt and confusion and end up with a headache.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on June 23, 2014, 05:33:17 PM
We are JESS special!!

Oh yeah Hon. But I ain't concieted in the least little bit even though last time I got shot at, the bullet just bounced off and during my last physical my height was 9 feet 11 and 1/2 inches tall. Not quite 10 ft. but close enough to be ten foot tall and bulletproof.

But seriously Brianna, you gotta learn to trust your medical professionals be it physical or psychological.

Or better yet Brianna, trust yourself.

Quote from: Jess42 on June 23, 2014, 05:40:10 PM
But seriously Brianna, you gotta learn to trust your medical professionals be it physical or psychological.

I totally agree with this! You are biased in your views of yourself that is why you need an outside party to help you. You can say all day long "it won't help", but what do you have to lose? You can't be anymore depressed and stressed than now. You will have to go into Therapy with an open mind and no preconceived notions for it to work though. 

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on June 23, 2014, 05:45:23 PM
I totally agree with this! You are biased in your views of yourself that is why you need an outside party to help you. You can say all day long "it won't help", but what do you have to lose? You can't be anymore depressed and stressed than now. You will have to go into Therapy with an open mind and no preconceived notions for it to work though. 

i'm not biased o: i jsut keep going back to the thought of me being damaged goods. i'm working on my feelings though. i go see my second psychiatrist on the 30. i came out to him 2 weeks ago and that meeting he was asking me all sorts of questions which actually gave me some hope that a psychiatrist finally is listening. hell i dont know what the book he was using but every time he asked me questions, he always looking in the handbook. it was kinda shocking really. i handed him my letter from my therapist and all of a sudden i felt relief that he was listening. i'll bring up my self hatred with him on the 30th

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on June 23, 2014, 05:45:23 PM
I totally agree with this! You are biased in your views of yourself that is why you need an outside party to help you. You can say all day long "it won't help", but what do you have to lose? You can't be anymore depressed and stressed than now. You will have to go into Therapy with an open mind and no preconceived notions for it to work though. 

Oh yeah, most definately. Like I said earlier, I know that guarded feeling and beat around the bush for a long time, wasted quite a bit of money of my own and quite a bit of time of a therapist and psychiatrist and when I did let it out it came out it was one helluva relief. Holding it in was actually killing me. Now I see another therapist that is knowledgable in gender issues and what I have always done helps me with the dysphoria but Brianna, the holding it in was the absolute worst part and I was really getting dysphoric, still do but I can handle it now a lot better and it rarely lasts more than a couple of hours. But there is no doubt that if I would not have said something, my self destructive behavior would have been my demise.

Brianna, I really don't know how old you are. Jessica I really don't know how old you are (ain't even gonna ask) and I definately ain't gonna say how old I am but I would guess Jessica, just from her wisdom alone and advice she gives and I are fairly close in age (Jessica knows the medical side, definately smarter than me but I know the dark side) and Brianna, that is a lot of experience in life trying to guide, advise and help you Hon. For what it's worth. But ultimately it is up to you.

i may be young but people have told me i'm wiser than the average 70 year old but leave that aside. i know bottling isnt a good thing but when you really need help and your doctors or therapists arent readily available (i usually have to wait at least 3 months), or i dont have the funds to see my current therapist, bottling is usually my unconscious reaction.

Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on June 23, 2014, 06:42:51 PM
i may be young but people have told me i'm wiser than the average 70 year old