Quote from: barbie on May 01, 2014, 03:58:26 PM
That is why I did not transition. The doctor also said he will prescribe the pills for HRT if I visit again with my wife and she allows it. More over, I have 3 kids who will grow well as long as I maintain a good relationship with my wife.

oh I didnt know you have wife & kids & no HRT .. you look great as a girl 


to OP, I wish you the best of luck .. no pain, no gain .. it happens to (almost) everyone who is trans , every post-op transgirl friends of mine had to break up with their bf/partners because those men wanted them to be pre-op ... and they warned me to be careful of my relationship with my partner .. i am scared but if my man wants to leave me , i do understand because i cant make him happy & i want to be who i really am .. but right now, we are happy couple .. hopefully , we will be like this till the end of our lives ..

Such a Beautiful, kind and Loving statement. I wish you luck.

I really have no advice.  I tried and failed both to stop and return to my closeted self to save my marriage, to find a middle way, and can no longer even see a path to accommodation.  I would give a lot for this not to be so.  I admire all of you who have your relationship prioritized, can act on that priority with such self sacrifice and I truly wish you well.  For me the partnership has ended.

This whole thing has tipped me into despair more than once, and yesterday I simply wanted to die.  That I am still here is do in no small part to the men and women who share their experience, strength, and hope (to borrow a phrase) with me every day.

Peace,
Julie

Oh my god, Julie.
Call me if you're feeling so down again. You were really there for me the other night; if necessary, I'd like to offer you the same support. Really, Julie, you are not in this alone.

Stay strong, or at least call.

Yours sincerely,
Tegan

Quote from: JulieBlair on May 04, 2014, 07:46:11 PM
I really have no advice.  I tried and failed both to stop and return to my closeted self to save my marriage, to find a middle way, and can no longer even see a path to accommodation.  I would give a lot for this not to be so.  I admire all of you who have your relationship prioritized, can act on that priority with such self sacrifice and I truly wish you well.  For me the partnership has ended.

This whole thing has tipped me into despair more than once, and yesterday I simply wanted to die.  That I am still here is do in no small part to the men and women who share their experience, strength, and hope (to borrow a phrase) with me every day.

Peace,
Julie

Oh Lord,  Julie I am so sorry.  You have so much to give and so much heart and so much love and so much wisdom, I am so sorry, you do not deserve to be forced into this. 

You have my number and can call me anytime during the eastern working hours dear.

I have no guarantees either... its all about powerlessness and the faith that it gets better, it gets worse, it gets different, it gets real,  and then living truth, we WILL become happy, joyous and free... valued and loved for who we are not for a false shell, hopefully remembering the best days and letting the Lord veil the worst.  We have a dysphoria dear, it knows no reason, knows no campassion, it only knows it must be freed at all costs, and we either steer it, it steers us, or it drowns us.  Ride on top of the waves and not underneath them girl, your are a transwoman - actually a woman for you - you have great value in this world.

You have done so much for me, do you even have a clue how important you are to us and to those who still suffer, including yourself?

Time for a bubble bath, candles and incense dear, and after mourning, daylight will come.  I will be in prayer for you, and i was this morning Miss Julie.  You let Satinjoy get out of her chains with your great compassion.... God will touch you and heal your hurts, but it takes time.

Sometimes we have a death and it is our former male self usually that passes away.  There is mourning, then comes new birth and new beginnings.

I hope this helps sweetie.  You are one of the most positive souls in the forum.

Such a tough situation, I am glad I never had to experience it when I started to transition. I am sure this is tearing you apart.

Quote from: Dahlia on April 17, 2014, 02:40:05 AM
That's kind of unheard of in the lesbian MTF community.

The relationship with my wife is the main factor in my decision not to transition. Sorry, we're not very vocal about it, but we're out there!

Hi there I too am now in the same position due to the HRT I am no longer able to perform and the Wife is getting frustrated and complaining about the lack of sex .As We are relative newlyweds only getting married 2 years ago .she does not seem worried about my Boobs only my lack of performance .But apart from that We have a wonderful relationship and neither of us can contemplate life without each other .BTW we have been together 22 Years altogether .So I feel I have no choice but to stop HRT and go on to Testosterone to regain the performance that My Wife so craves and misses

Anita

It may be worth just dialling back either/both the AA and the E to regain more function.  You may not need to go 'cold turkey' .  Think it is worth discussing with your endo.

Aisla

It seems kind of egoistic from her, but if she met you as a man then I guess that you can't force her to accept you as a woman anyway... I admire your decision

Quote from: JoanneB on April 20, 2014, 09:35:51 PM
Having taken this boat ride several times these past six years, I have to agree with Kelly.
1) Stopping HRT will cause your head to explode
2) The gender crap DOES NOT go away
2a)  That cat is out of the bag. Your wife knows. No Do-Overs. The T-Bomb was dropped and she is collateral damage

My wife is a card carrying member of the "I did not marry a woman" club. Six years have not substantively changed her opinion. However, seeing how much I have I grown as a person, has swayed her.

Over the past 30 years I grew to become a miserable person. Not even a person, a thing, a machine, that did what was expected. No hopes, no joys, and especially no dreams, except one given up on long long ago.

I droped the T-Bomb 6 years ago. Gallons of tears have been shed by us both. It has been a long and painful process for us both, that is still ongoing. I cannot guarantee her I can keep on presenting as male, nor can I expect her to guarantee standing by my side. The one guarantee we are both aware of is things will NEVER be the same. And she knew I was TG 30 years ago, 20 before we wed.

I guess the bottom line here is, she will likely never see you the same again. However, she may come to see just how much the real you is, just as my wife has.

This, even though I'm less than a year into my transition, my wife of 8 years is divorcing me as fast as she can. I love her more than anything in the world, that's why I'm "setting her free" and not fighting it. Even if I were to cease and dsist all transition immediately, we both know it's over. Our (seemingly) picture-perfect marriage is just gone... forever. Sucks, but that's just the reality ofit.

Quote from: Yukari-sensei on April 13, 2014, 05:34:36 AM
My wife, my Dulcinea, my Beatrice... one day before our 10 year anniversary (dating) told me she loved me but didn't love me romantically anymore. She said she couldn't be with a woman... we could be friends but we were over... I never felt pain like this before... I never imagined this could happen, my rose colored glasses blinded me to her suffering and I hate myself for the pain I caused her. I have steeled myself for a drastic change of course. I stopped my HRT, cancelled my next endo appointment. I don't even want to transition anymore, just thinking about it brings me great pain. I've never had panic attacks till this week and I can't stop having them, I keep hearing the music from my wedding everytime I close my eyes and try to sleep. So be it. Right now I'd rather die her man than live as a woman without her. I hope my resolve does not fail me. Wish me luck my brothers and sisters, I have much work to do.

I can relate to this in so many ways. Before I found out I can't transition for medical reasons, I became very excited about doing so - but then struggled within my marriage to my wonderful wife of many years who had no idea she was marrying a trans* person at the time of our commitment, and who is attracted to female bodies, not males. She had a really hard time with the idea that my body would become what she was not attracted to. We had a lot of very emotional and sincere and loving discussions about this, and I finally realized that - within our relationship (meaning I'm not implying any message or rule for anyone else) - I was going to have to choose: transition, or remain with this woman who was the light of my life.

I finally chose to not transition in order to keep her. I struggled with that, but losing her meant losing someone I adored beyond my ability to express. And it mean hurting her by pushing her into a different kind of relationship than she had signed up for - by forcing her to accommodate my body at the expense of her own. I just couldn't do it.

In the end, in a few years I developed some health issues that prevented me from being able to transition anyway, so it was moot anyway. But damn this is all so complicated, especially when we get older and have other commitments that aren't there or aren't there in such force when we are in our youth!

Well, after a maelstrom of fortune, I have finally been able to work up the courage to post an update here.

Just before Easter, my wife left the apartment and my severe efforts to stop transitioning were ignored. For a small period of time it seemed possible that there was a gentleman fanning the flames of her discontent in an attempt to woo her away - all the while presenting merely as a supportive friend. I changed my course and my friends flocked to me in support, but some of it was a rather cruel kindness. My mother cried tears of joy and lamented out loud, "you were dead to me...". My sister who was supportive of my transition in my presence expressed profound relief, "I love you as a brother or as a sister, but you need to understand... you were becoming the kind of woman you would not have raised me to be..." Work went from being cautiously tolerant to raising my pay and increasing my hours following my detransition... (the patriarchy is REAL)

I gave away all of my clothing (a considerable amount) and cosmetics (even more considerable) and watched a great many of my girlfriends tear through the echoes of a life that could have been. I smiled as I hid my tears and tried not to see their frenzy dividing my clothes as hyenas fighting over a carcass. I passed my estrogen and spiro onto another friend who could not access medical care as a chance to kickstart her transition...

Now I am back to where I was before... but back with my wife. We both returned to each other with frenzied passion and longing... We both have realized how much we missed and needed each other. She is now trying to overcome her personal shortcomings - which our separation forced her to see. I don't wish to go into too much personal detail, but essentially out of the ashes from before we have come together with a stronger and deeper appreciation than we held before...

And now the full truth of the matter. I am transgender. I cannot deny this and I don't. I express male but acknowledge that my soul is female. If anything I try to see myself as a person with a masculine heart and feminine soul, striving to balance possibility with reality... and there are some realities that cannot be... some prices that cannot be paid...

As a man, I have my wife and she loves me. As a woman I don't have her - and worse yet, she tried and is incapable of being with another woman. In her own ways, she still tries to reach out and understand (even if she can't). She purchased transpride cufflinks for me, she has suggested that I keep a "special wardrobe" for "dress up" on certain days(I won't and I can't. It was never about clothes), and has suggested giving our firstborn daughter my feminine name.

I have made my choice, and I'm sorry to those who never had one. I would rather endure dysphoria for the rest of my life if it means I have her. Thank you for all of your support everyone. I may not be able to make the journey, but I will be happy to wave from the dock - as long as I have my beloved in my embrace there.

Quote from: Yukari-sensei on August 02, 2014, 05:37:58 AM
And now the full truth of the matter. I am transgender. I cannot deny this and I don't. I express male but acknowledge that my soul is female. If anything I try to see myself as a person with a masculine heart and feminine soul, striving to balance possibility with reality... and there are some realities that cannot be... some prices that cannot be paid...

A good summation of what I thought nearly 30 years ago when taking on the trans beast. With one major exception for today. A much needed exception thanks to plain and simple fact that this does not go away.

"For TODAY there are some realities that cannot be... For TODAY, some prices that cannot be paid..."

I slowly morphed into a lifeless soulless machine; a Hollywood facade of a man that looked and acted in all the right ways from the outside. Inside, devoid of all hopes, wishes, and dreams. Sans one given up a long long time ago because I too thought in terms of absolutes.

The 3Ds of Distractions, Diversions, and Denial appeared to work for a while. Yet That beast has a voracious appetite and will demand more and more in order for you to keep such an apparently large and important side of yourself buried from the world and... even greater effort from yourself.

I learned these past few years where my true joy lies. It is simply in feeling genuine. For today, I know the time is not right for a full transition. To do so will mean facing up to the potential and real costs which I am unprepared to face, today. More importantly are other much more important matters that need to be taken care of. I am thankful for the blessing of not being a member of the Transition or Die club. I attended a few meetings and it is a scary place for me.

For today, as well as always for now on, I know I need to maintain a balance between these two great aspects of myself. I learned that very hard lesson of what happens when I don't. I cannot strangle one without it affecting the other. Which also goes to say I cannot forsake important things like my spouse or my career. Both of which define me as much as being female.

Yukari

I wish you and your SO all the very best that life has to offer.  Life is never simple as trans*, and I am glad that you have both found a positive outcome.  However should the dysphoria return and become unmanageable, it may be worth looking at low dose hrt without a binary transition, as many of us are not as binary as we had assumed, when we first set out on our journey

Safe travels

Aisla

Yukari,

Best wishes on your decided path.  Remember that you are not alone in walking this path, as there are many here doing the same, for similar reasons.

Be glad to have found what is most important to you.  Many people spend a lifetime not knowing.

It is good to read that you are doing well. Please take good care of yourself and your wife. We are always here if you need to talk.

Quote from: Yukari-sensei on April 13, 2014, 05:34:36 AM
Just two weeks ago, my life was sunny. I was on estrogen, I could see physical changes, and I thought I still had a loving marriage... until Sunday...

My wife, my Dulcinea, my Beatrice... one day before our 10 year anniversary (dating) told me she loved me but didn't love me romantically anymore. She said she couldn't be with a woman... we could be friends but we were over... I never felt pain like this before... I never imagined this could happen, my rose colored glasses blinded me to her suffering and I hate myself for the pain I caused her.

I have steeled myself for a drastic change of course. I stopped my HRT, cancelled my next endo appointment. I don't even want to transition anymore, just thinking about it brings me great pain. I've never had panic attacks till this week and I can't stop having them, I keep hearing the music from my wedding everytime I close my eyes and try to sleep.

So be it. Right now I'd rather die her man than live as a woman without her. I hope my resolve does not fail me. Wish me luck my brothers and sisters, I have much work to do.

I know where you are comming from. I have lived for years for my wife and family. I still love her and don't want to compromise that relationship. However, I would like a few years where I can be at least a part-time woman with her.

Is there a chance that your wife can stay with you and still love you as a man?

Quote from: mac1 on August 02, 2014, 01:38:54 PM
I know where you are comming from. I have lived for years for my wife and family. I still love her and don't want to compromise that relationship. However, I would like a few years where I can be at least a part-time woman with her.

Is there a chance that your wife can stay with you and still love you as a man?

Weirdest thing she said after she came back to me was, "even as a woman - you were a better man...". She realized the linguistic absurdity of her statement and amended it to person...

There in lies the sharpest irony... man or woman, I'm the same person (the affectations change considerably though); however, my wife cannot love me as a woman, and feels some guilt about it. I figure honesty is preferable,  as we pick up the pieces together...

Funny thing for her now is being able to see the signs that were present before, such as the comic representations of ourselves. We always used two women - Tomo & Yomi, Rarity & Pinkie Pie, etc... Oh well, I'll take a complicated life over the alternative.

Quote from: Yukari-sensei on April 13, 2014, 05:34:36 AM
Just two weeks ago, my life was sunny. I was on estrogen, I could see physical changes, and I thought I still had a loving marriage... until Sunday...

My wife, my Dulcinea, my Beatrice... one day before our 10 year anniversary (dating) told me she loved me but didn't love me romantically anymore. She said she couldn't be with a woman... we could be friends but we were over... I never felt pain like this before... I never imagined this could happen, my rose colored glasses blinded me to her suffering and I hate myself for the pain I caused her.

I have steeled myself for a drastic change of course. I stopped my HRT, cancelled my next endo appointment. I don't even want to transition anymore, just thinking about it brings me great pain. I've never had panic attacks till this week and I can't stop having them, I keep hearing the music from my wedding everytime I close my eyes and try to sleep.

So be it. Right now I'd rather die her man than live as a woman without her. I hope my resolve does not fail me. Wish me luck my brothers and sisters, I have much work to do.

Others are quite right, the cats out of the bag, she will never see you the same again, it's one of those things, she will always love you, but she can't be with a woman, and even if you stop hrt you're still a woman inside. She knows this, you know it. But do not be sad, bc this to shall pass, I don't lnow why God made us this way, but he did it for a reason. You will be happy again, it's not the end of the world. I have had to come to the same conclusion even though my wife is not to that point yet, it's not fair for me to hide the depression, not be happy, bc that will hurt her just as much. If sucks really bad but is just the way things have to be. I know she won't stay with a woman, she is not bi or lesbian. I already look pretty decent dressed up, and I haven't even started hrt. So she knows I will pass and look like a woman.(bc I am one) so I still love her deeply, she loves me deeply or she wouldn't let me dress or even participate the way she does, like makeup and shopping, there's not a lot of wan that would go that far to keep a relationship, but I know she can't go with me only journey, she doesn't want to be with a woman, so the best thing you can do is apologize to her tell her how much she means to you, and that you will always love her but it's not fair for me to do this to you, and it's not fair for me to be unhappy either. A good relationship should not be one sacrificing everything, in other words with my wife it's not fair for me to make her unhappy, not is it fair for her to want me to be unhappy so she can be happy. And it's not shellfish for her to be upfront with you and tell you she doesn't want that, neither is it selfish for you to tell her you can't be happy as a man, bc you can't help it. You are what God made you. And yes God made us transsexual and have us the tools to change. I hate to sound cliche, but everything happens for a reason, both of you will learn something from this and be better people, but the transgender thing will come back with a vengeance, when I met my wife 6 years ago, I threw all my clothes out, I was determined to be a normal man, and I made it five years, but when Cristy came back she came back hard, to the point where I am going to lose a lot of important people in my life. Look if you need a friend pm me, I am in the same boat as you. I am gonna post around tonight I get my privileges bc I am only a month old on here. Just remember that you are just as important as her and you have friends here to talk to. God bless you sweetheart