I am literally sick, I feel that keeping this secret from my wife is killing me inside. Sick to my stomach. I am dodging left and right now and a complete wreck because not only is dysphoria killing me very intensely now, but worrying about stuff at home is too.

She's asking more and more questions, first of all. I paint my nails with clear nail polish but I really don't show her. However she asks why our home office smells like nail polish. She even handed me the nail clipper yesterday. She has been hounding me to get a haircut, even though it's not really that long, and previously she'd not even bother, as I'd let it grow pretty big. She panicked about my brows even though it's not full femme yet, just a bit wider spaced, I figured I'd thin them up and shape them gradually. But I feel as though I'm losing control of my own body.

She has also said that she thinks about "us" a lot and that we don't get a lot of time for "us" anymore. It's actually true. Since the kids arrived we've been distant, but I've been using the alone time to dress and I even self medicated for a couple of months in the last few years (shame on me, but I was at the end of my rope) but I since quit.

I almost wanted to end it a few times. Without going into details, I pretty much had an idea how I was going to do it. But I really don't want to leave my young kids without a dad, it's going to happen either way, if I don't die I'll still be a "dad" but at the same time I won't be.

Their birthday is tomorrow. Yay for them? I want to clear that then come out to her and then I have that for the therapy appointment next week.

So here is my question - what the heck do I tell her? Do I just come out and say, "hey, I have a secret to tell you. I am a woman trapped in a man's body."

I need ideas. I was going to ask the therapist, but I might end up doing it before the appointment.

Hi Kate,

I understand what you're going through right now.  You're damned if you do and damned if you don't, but you should tell your wife.  Gender dysphoria just gets worse over time, and yours is now to the point where it has finally taken center stage.

You didn't need to transition before, but now it appears that it may become necessary.  Telling her something along the lines of, "I need to talk to a therapist because I'm starting to think I might be transgender." is probably the best way to do it.  She will feel hurt, and tears will be shed.  She will ask you why you never told her before, and this is where it gets tricky.  You don't want her to feel that you have betrayed her, so you will need to mention that gender dysphoria is progressive in nature.  You have what is essentially a woman's brain and it isn't getting fed the correct hormones to function properly. 

I wish you all the luck in the world with this.  I hope that she can be made to understand exactly what you are going through, and that you being happy is a far better outcome than you being six feet under.

Hugs,
Jill

Last June, I was where you are now. Wasn't femming myself, but dressing when I had free time, and had a 2 month old, struggling with my gender. I went to a therapist before anyone but my best friend knew.
I came out a month later, and it was rough. It took us several months to start getting our relationship back on track, but I honestly thought she was going to leave me.
It is an awful stage to go through. I knew something was different about me since I was 15, and I'm almost 29 now. Recently, I got advice on here about the past being the past, and changing your future for the better.
Honestly, I only seriously thought about"the end" once, and luckily my son was home alone with me, or I'd have done it. But it is so much more worth it to come out. The day I told my wife, she was going to leave. That hurt, but I felt so relieved to be starting a new chapter in my life.
Things will eventually get better. See a therapist, come out, and be the woman you should have been all along.
btw, if you need extra support, I live in berks county in Pennsylvania. My wife is from ocean county in new jersey. If you want to talk, message me and we can Skype

There's no easy way to do it...it's just got to be done. 

Here's my one bit of advice.  I had heard a few people say that in "the talk" there's a fine line between full disclosure and TMI.  I never understood what that meant until I had the talk with my wife.  And it's absolutely true.  Your wife's head will be spinning, and all sorts of emotions are going to come rushing up at her.  Betrayal, fear, anger, etc.  So your job is to get the ball rolling and then answer questions.  Don't be evasive, but also don't feel like you need to explain everything.  There will be plenty of time for that later.

Ok...one more thing.  Remember that you've taken years to come to accept yourself.  It will take time for her as well.


I wish you the best of luck.  And please keep us updated.  You'll be amazed at the weight that will lift off your shoulders. 

Kate, I can relate very much :hugs:. You have to get this out. It will be rough and there's no predicting how it will go.

From what you write it sounds as if your wife already has an idea that something is up. So get it out.

I totally second that there is this fine line between disclosure and tmi.

When I told my husband I tried to focus on describing how I feel about myself, and how I have struggled. I'm not sure that's the way to go, but I tried to get the message across that I haven't been willfully deceiving him, that I have struggled very much with acknowledging who I am, and how much I am torn between wanting to protect him and not hurting myself. I told him about my sui thoughts. I'm not sure that's advisable in all cases - it may make your s.o. feel you're blackmailing them. I had to get that out though, also to make him understand that things are serious.

Understandably my husband is very insistent in wanting to know what my plans are for the future. Like, he would like me to tell him now: in so and so many months I will start HRT, then this will happen, etc. But I think he is beginning to understands that I can't tell him this at this point (because I don't know myself), that this will be a process of one step at a time. So when I talked to him I resisted the "pressure" to give a definite answer. This absolutely made things more difficult for him, but I wasn't in a position to give him this yet.

I hope things go well for you! Sending you lots of courage and good thoughts!

Kate,

It sounds awful. I don't have any help or advice to offer you I'm afraid. I can say I know the feelings and emotions - I think our experiences have many similarities. I can send you some virtual love, hugs and empathy. (Doing it*)

In my own mind I have to think, with positivity, that children are much more open and accepting than the adult world we've brought them into.

X

I lucked out in this regard, I always kind of knew I had some GD issues, but I made sure that I chose a wife based on my real core identity and personality, and not the male front that I had built up for the rest of the world.

And I had the good fortune that I listened to the advice here and on my other forum about partners.  You really need to talk to them as soon as you can in the process if you care about the relationship.  Waiting months into HRT is going to be worse than telling them earlier on.  If you have started things already, sooner is still better than later.  GD may be hell on us, and unfair for us, but the fact that most of us really don't know exactly what is going on until we are in a relationship is not fair to our partner either.  Frankly it is society/cultures fault for not handling gender variance in an open and sane way, but it is critical to respect your partner's POV too.  You have to do what you have to do, but honour them as well.  Besides, how far down the path can you go and hide it from a spouse?  Far better to disclose than get caught.

I lucked out that my wife already kind of understood GD and trans issues, and she recognizes that much of what she loves me for is who I really am, perhaps even because of my gender variant non-binary self.   

We have kids too, I also worry about being a good parent, and dad.  But even if once talking with your therapist (get one if you don't have one) full transition is your path, your family needs you, and getting a relationship through this takes hard work.

If she doesn't know what GD is maybe start with that, because that is a core issue, it is the demon that can kill those of us that have it.  If she doesn't know about the GD she won't understand the very real agony and terror that can come with it, she won't get what it means to look in the mirror and not see yourself, for years.  Trans is more a cure than a condition the way I look at it.  I like what the others said about not over-sharing in the first conversation, because you need to let her know, but the first conversation is more about her needs and fears than yours in a way.  Emphasise that you love her, and always have and always will, that that won't change.  Maybe find her a good non-toxic partner support group, site or forum. 


- Jaded Jade

Thanks for the support. I had a weird dream last night. I dreamt that I was going to have SRS and I was actually on the operating table.

The surgeon was there and she was telling me, "ok this is it. Anything you want to do before you go to sleep?" 

I said, "jeez, maybe I should tell my wife first. Oh and I need to pee. Let me go so I can stand up and pee one last time."

Then I woke up (I had to pee lol).

Tomorrow is when I plan to tell her. Today is our kids birthday and I don't want to mess that up. I'm thinking of having the whole talk about how since I was little I felt like I never really liked being a boy and I will show her the family pics where I pretty much looked like a girl (pictriev also genders them 80-95% female consistently). My facebook profile pic has one with me girling it up too. She was puzzled why I put that particular one up. My mom and cuz (who was like my sister) adored it too. Won't it be weird if my mom accepts me. She always wanted a daughter, in fact when they were trying for a second child they were hoping for a girl. Oh well. Better late than never right? That's my next person I will come out to but that might be a bit down the road.

I have therapy next week. Really excited and nervous. I do plan to pour my feelings out. Keeping it inside too long is killing me.

We're told that most marriages don't survive transition, but it's just not true. A recent study showed that a bit less than half of MTF long-term relationships do make it.  I found that really encouraging...i hope you do too

I sure hope things are amicable at the least. If the marriage can't survive I am hoping that I at least get to be with my kids often.

Kate,
I like your dream, it sums up the anxiety with humor.  When you tell her she may blow up.  My wife did, I hope you've taken the time to read some of the Significant Other postings.  They are poignant and realistic.  I hope it goes well, but keep your expectations low.  Conversation may happen later, but we ask a lot when we become something entirely new.  That there may be feelings of betrayal and anger ought not be a surprise.

Patience, courtesy, and realistic expectations are what you can bring.  I hope it goes well.  Happy Birthday to the kids. 

Julie

I have been looking, and it makes me anxious thinking of what will happen. 

I honestly do not know what to expect. She has two daughters from another marriage, and one of them, while probably not trans, does not fit into the "girl" stereotype at all. She keeps her long hair in a ponytail but she drives a truck cross country and really doesn't dress like a girl or act like one. My wife has called her "a boy" a good few times too. I never really said anything. But she loves her with every fiber of her being. So I guess there could be some tolerance.

But anyway I am expecting the worst and worse come to worse I wanted to move out of NJ anyway.

Give her time - her first response won't be her last. 

Hugs to you both,

Julie

Quote from: katiej on October 07, 2014, 11:25:29 AM
We're told that most marriages don't survive transition, but it's just not true. A recent study showed that a bit less than half of MTF long-term relationships do make it.  I found that really encouraging...i hope you do too

Interesting!  Aren't the odds of any marriage surviving something like 50/50 anyway?

Well, we pushed up the conversation to tonight. Actually I did after she noticed my nails. So far not so bad but she wants an in depth talk with me and not just something "in passing."

Quote from: JulieBlair on October 07, 2014, 12:11:14 PM
Give her time - her first response won't be her last. 

This is really good advice.  Acceptance is a process that takes time.

Quote from: Jill F on October 07, 2014, 02:16:34 PM
Interesting!  Aren't the odds of any marriage surviving something like 50/50 anyway?

My understanding is that this stat has been exaggerated.  But you do bring up a good point.  Whatever the number is, too many marriages end in divorce and for a lot of different reasons.

It's interesting to note that 60% of FTM relationships survive transition.  That's got to be pretty close to the overall average.

Well, I'm out. She knows now. Naturally she says she felt betrayed because I hadn't told her earlier. She also said that me transitioning would probably be the same as me dying because I won't be the same person. The whole conversation was used to air a laundry list of concerns, but I answered all of her questions.

I told her about therapy and she said to go get my help but she still feels betrayed.

I feel sick but somewhat relieved.

Good for you, Kate.  I felt a real sense of relief and euphoria after it...followed by what the hell do I do now? 

The sense of betrayal is normal, but hopefully she'll be understanding because you were up front with her early on.  And it's also very common for wives to feel like their husband is dying.  And despite our assurances that we're still the same people, they do have a point.

I'm glad you had the courage to talk to her! Her response sounds like something to work with! I hope you can find a way together! :hugs:

Last night was pretty distressing. After the talk I pretty much wanted to just walk outside and hope a black bear saved me the trouble of doing it myself. . Yes, I felt like total piece of dog crap with vomit on it.

She said she was hoping we would have gotten closer and more intimate because she misses that, because for a long time things just weren't happening, once per year at most.

The kids, I told her that I love the kids (and her) with everything I have. She said that me transitioning would be the same as death. I might have to seek some advice as to how to deal with transition and the kids, because to be honest I do dress around them when she's not there and they really don't make a big deal about it. I told her pretty much that I'm already dying inside so it's damned if I do, damned if I don't.