I dreamed about transitioning in my teens. I experimented with doing it twice in my early 20's. Both times the urge to be "Normal" won out. Plus a few valid, at that time, reasons for me not to. One of which was a woman.
Wife #1 had no idea about me. I tried to hide it, unsuccessfully. The marriage ended withing 3 months of her finding my stash. Fiancee #2 did know. I told her during an adult beverage driven I have a worse secret then you do session. (She won) Yet as wedding date pressure mounted she cracked. She couldn't go through with it. I wasn't a "Real Man".
Wife #2 knew from about the first date. We've been together for over 30 years. I tried to be "Normal" for all of that time though it OK for me to dress around the house. Something I needed to do about once a month to stay sane. She figured me for a CD. I knew I was I CD++. It all kinda sorta worked for 30 years, until I cracked.
This doesn't go away. It never comes back because it is always there. You just find ways to bury it deeper and deeper. Or so you think. Did I do the "Right" thing? Yes. For me, at that point in my life and my personal growth. What if I went through with transitioning when I was younger? I'd likely be dead. So I have no real regrets. I survived. I grew as a person. My wife did a tremendous job at laying the foundations for me to eventually grow.
My only real regret is not coming out to my first wife. The one person in the world I really should have felt I could come out to, my hoped for life partner. It likely would not have changed the outcome. But morally, I knew I should, but couldn't.
A romantic interest can serve as a great diversion, taking your mind off yourself. Neglecting yourself, just as neglecting a rare orchid, will have the same result. A dead plant.
