This is a journal entry I wrote recently. I think it pretty much sums up what I've been saying in this thread. Maybe it will help you guys understand where I'm coming from better.
I signed up into the marines. I have to complete one more semester of college before I can go in though, because of my GED, so that puts me on the DEP thingy.
The problem is, is that I was thinking that if I went into the reserves, I could manage to get on hormone therapy again whilst in the reserves and hide it. After talking with some friends on an online forum devoted specifically to and for transsexuals like myself, I discovered it wouldn't be anything like what I thought at all.
I really need some help figuring out what to do. Right now, a small part of me wants to move on and go marines, but a bigger part of me is crying out to just stay in college and work my way through while pursuing hormone therapy, getting out with a good paying job and getting surgery ultimately.
The pros of going in the marines would be finances. I mean, I'd get a bit more money, it's slightly conceivable that I could pursue hormnoe therapy but if I were caught the results could be very bad. I'd also be attending college as just a regular guy then, and not who I really feel like I am, thus I would be missing out on the valuable social experiences in college. I know the marines would be excellent for character building and all that yadeyada stuff, put the, "backbone," in me. But do I really want that militaristic attitude? And, is it worth sacrificing valuable time in my life that I really feel I could be putting to better use?
The pros of me not going would be that I could continue with my education immediately, work some more hours and get the cash to go on therapy within 3 or 4 months, be transfered to a university within a year and be transitioned much sooner too. That would mean I could actually enjoy the friendships I make and not have to hide anything.
The problem in my way is that the recruiter is putting a ton of stress on me. I told him that I didn't mention the hormone therapy, the transsexualism, the mental hospitals, or the suicide attempts on my application into the marines and he is telling me that I shouldn't worry, I'll be just fine. I've tried to find every method I can of getting out without directly asking him, but nothing seems to work. Lately there have been al ot of lawsuits and such because people are trying to get out of service, particularly younger guys like me who change their minds. I don't know what will happen if I straight up ask, "please let me out now," but I can't get the courage up to ask it. It seems like the most jackass, rude thing for me to ask for after they've worked amazingly hard(yes, very, very hard) to get me in. I just can't shake it. I want to be female, I want to continue the journey I started so long ago. I have to do it now or later.
On top of this, my parents are trying to divorce, my mother's still being a neglectful bitch to my brothers who are both diagnosed now as autistic and are attending intervention programs. I'm smoking again to help cope with the stress.
I'm just freaking out. I'm torn between a want to do what's right for my country and do what's right for myself. Is doing what I want to do really such a bad thing?