Quote from: SorchaC on October 19, 2014, 03:07:20 AMOne of the liberating parts of transition is that you no longer need to hide your true self from close friends family and partners.

Absolutely.

Transition shouldn't be about playing games and hiding secrets for the rest of our lives - many of us transition to avoid having to do that kind of stuff anymore.  Why would anyone want to go from chaos to more chaos, instead of chaos to peace?

Quote from: butterflies on October 19, 2014, 01:48:40 AM
If you had the information, you would have printed it m you're welcome to type it here. Just a hint, I'm currently inAsia : did you even get the continent right? I doubt it, considering what I'm behind...

For your information I did not post it for your security. Yes, I do care for the OP as well, but I was directly answering a query from you.

Makes me sad to see people try to help and you laugh it off with a superior attitude. You will definitely be outed some day because you think you won't. Приятная жизнь. 

FYI - Butterflies put her account up for deletion.

From all the badgering?  maybe.


I hope she doesn't leave, a different view is always refreshing on here.

Quote from: Jaime R D on October 19, 2014, 04:32:17 PMI hope she doesn't leave, a different view is always refreshing on here.

I hope she doesn't leave either - Susan's really does welcome everyone, and I don't think anyone here wishes her anything but the best.

But the community does have a certain style and tone (respectful, friendly, few sharp edges) which makes it work very well, and sometimes it takes a little effort to adjust to it.

Quote from: Jaime R D on October 19, 2014, 04:32:17 PM
From all the badgering?  maybe.


I hope she doesn't leave, a different view is always refreshing on here.

I noticed that. I think some folks missed her earlier posts. When sex begins day one of meeting someone, then a person's history is pretty much placed low on the priority list.

I'm not judging her, to the contrary, I think she was essentially on solid ground in her stance, even if it's not one I would adopt.

I hope she returns too. 

I think everyone has the right to choose the way they want to live their life, even if we may strongly disagree with it.  I can fully understand how young transgender people who have fully transitioned may want to only have a reality pertaining to their correct gender.  But it does come with a big risk.

Speaking for myself, any man I would consider worth dating would probably check me out on Google, LinkedIn and Facebook.  I would expect nothing less, and would do the same checks in him.  While I might allow things to roll for a couple of dates to see where things were going, I would then disclose.   At my age there is no alternative, and the type of relationship I am looking for would require a somewhat special man.  If he doesn't exist, it's a risk I knew might exist well before I took my decision to transition. 

Julia

Quote from: kelly_aus on October 18, 2014, 09:26:02 PM
Let her live in her fantasy, Jessica.. Having had a security clearance in the past, I'm more than aware of what information is floating around just beyond public access..

Yep. Having worked in law enforcement and intelligence gathering, I can assure you that people who think they're hidden are fooling themselves.

Quote from: Julia-Madrid on October 19, 2014, 05:50:25 PM

If he doesn't exist, it's a risk I knew might exist well before I took my decision to transition. 

I have t agree with this. I decided right at the beginning that I wasn't transitioning for a relationship as a woman and that if I remained single forever without ever having a single lover I'd still be ok with that  As things turned out relationships while hard to achieve are not impossible and if you are open with potential partners you gain allot more respect. I've met a few cis men and women who actually prefer being around trans people not for the sexual motives but because in general trans people know who they are and are honest about it without trying to deceive, Sure we want to pass in our gender role but we are generally just happy to be free of hiding ourselves.

I hope Butterflies returns. I did see the early posts about sex on 1st dates and nearly responded but who am I to say when people should be intimate? I don't agree with her but i agree she has a right to live her life as she sees fit. I also think she could learn allot from folks here as I am doing

Hugs

Sorcha 

Quote from: Julia-Madrid on October 19, 2014, 05:50:25 PMAt my age there is no alternative . . .

Ok, notwithstanding the fact that you're so young and passable and pretty and look like you're 20 and hardly at any "age"...

You make a very important point.  There's a huge difference between those who transition young (teenage to early 20s) and those who transition in their thirties, forties and beyond.  Us older transitioners have a history that can't be hidden, in part because it's so lengthy, and in part because we often lived in the open and never tried to hide our younger male selves, and it's a history which therefore must be embraced.  Those who transition young certainly have a far easier time of staying hidden, although it's still almost impossible to hide from anyone who wants to find out the truth.

Quote from: Brenda E on October 19, 2014, 06:31:59 PM
Ok, notwithstanding the fact that you're so young and passable and pretty and look like you're 20 and hardly at any "age"...

You make a very important point.  There's a huge difference between those who transition young (teenage to early 20s) and those who transition in their thirties, forties and beyond.  Us older transitioners have a history that can't be hidden, in part because it's so lengthy, and in part because we often lived in the open and never tried to hide our younger male selves, and it's a history which therefore must be embraced.  Those who transition young certainly have a far easier time of staying hidden, although it's still almost impossible to hide from anyone who wants to find out the truth.

Brenda, you're such a charmer     I'm actually 45, and although that it really me in my avatar, I hope I speak from the experience of not being exactly a spring chicken 

I'm sorry if I offend with this point of view, but for me it's a major ethical consideration. If you can't accept the consequences of transitioning don't. you always have another path you can a take , your birth gender. life can be a bitch.

Quote from: Samantha007 on October 20, 2014, 04:24:38 AMBecause in certain situations, it makes life easier and safer not to come out. Because the world is far from perfect yet. Many people would suffer discrimination, violence and sometimes even possible murder if they disclosed. It seems to me like an obvious reason to "hide" sometimes.

Absolutely that's a great reason to stay hidden, although I think there's a huge difference between staying hidden to Average Joe on the street or in the office, and staying hidden to a close partner in a relationship which requires trust to succeed.

As members of a wider society, we often can't choose who we work with, who we live near to, and who we happen to be around in public at any moment in time, so maintaining some level of discretion is a valid strategy for minimizing the risks of trans-related violence.  God only knows what crazy people we come across in our daily lives and the kinds of mistreatment they consider acceptable towards those whose gender doesn't conform to their religious or political views.  It's not a safe place out there.

But surely one would actively choose - or at least try to choose - one's most intimate life companions carefully enough to filter out those who despise trans people to the point of violence and murder?  Of course, we can't get it right 100% of the time, but it's not hard to get it right 99% of the time.  In situations like this, I'm a firm believer that safety arises from disclosure, not from secrets; the opposite of how one approaches the issue with the general public, but if personal safety is the goal (let alone building a solid relationship), then I think disclosure to a prospective spouse or similarly-close partner is virtually compulsory.

I think you can only truly "make love" to someone whom you feel like you are just as naked and vulnerable you are on the outside as in the inside.

That's my opinion tho (I can be too much of a romantic sometimes lol)

Time to shut this one down?

From a guy's point of view (i.e. my rapidly disappearing male self), for many it would be completely devastating if they found out their life partner for years was trans and didn't tell them. It could even get violent and deadly for some people. But I had a firewall against that, which was any woman I was in a long term relationship and was going to marry with I wanted children with so it was impossible for me to marry a trans woman. Maybe my own intuition of being trans myself and knowing what trans people are like helped me in this regard.

Quote from: JaymeDelray on October 13, 2014, 04:43:43 PM
I can only say if it were me I would not tell him. Nature cheated us from the start, don't cheat yourself out of being happy if you can.

This is how I think. My morality doesn't say don't lie. It does say "be happy" and "try not to hurt people intentionally".

Anyone I get serious with (actually pretty early on) I tell that I can't have children. That's step one. They ask why, I tell them I don't want to talk about it. If they accept that, we go on. If not, moving on. I also tell them I don't want children. The truth is, I am sad that I can't have children, at least a little bit..at some point that will probably come up. The "real" reason won't.

I'd rather be killed or kill than live the rest of my life as trans. If fundamentalist Muslim men in a Muslim nation couldn't tell, I'm pretty sure others won't either. I don't have toimagine facing risks, I've been there, done that.

Being mauled to death is a better option to be pitied/"understood"/rejected as a trans. "Once a trans, always a trans", lie or die.

I'd kill myself anyway if I could never be seen as a non trans woman, so death is of no consequence to me.

Quote from: stephaniec on October 20, 2014, 06:34:57 AM
I'm sorry if I offend with this point of view, but for me it's a major ethical consideration. If you can't accept the consequences of transitioning don't. you always have another path you can a take , your birth gender. life can be a bitch.

You offend me more than any trans phobic I've ever come across. I'll leave it at that. If that's what's being ethical, I'd rather be as unethical as I possibly can.
When you've done what I've done and lived my life (never), then proclaim yourself fit to speak for me. Otherwise you just come off like any cultist preacher.

I tried to say that politely, I'm sorry I failed. Your words hurt me.

Offense is often taken when it wasn't intended. Remember we all have opinions and often differ in those opinions.

Quote from: LordKAT on October 23, 2014, 01:16:04 AM
Offense is often taken when it wasn't intended. Remember we all have opinions and often differ in those opinions.

He She outright said who is and isn't ALLOWED to transition, and his opinion isn't echoed by any professional as a criteria for transitioning. You can argue it away all you like, but it's offensive, trans-, no, every kind of phobic,and authoritarian. Not to mention disgusting. No offense meant? I don't believe it.