Today the contractor was supposed to demo our bathroom and he pretty much flaked all day. That sent me into total stress mode. I started progesterone and Spiro on Friday and am supposed to start E on Wednesday this week. Right now I am thinking I don't want this I don't want to start E.  I want to stop what I started. And I am feeling very uncomfortable in just wearing female underwear. I want it all to go away. I am freaking out. Not suicidal but the wishing I would die in my sleep thoughts are back. I don't want t be trans. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Quote from: NormaLynne on November 10, 2014, 07:25:40 PM
I don't want t be trans. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

None of us WANT to be, but it is the hand we were given. Do yourself a favor this early on HRT. DO NOT stop right now, OK? You are probably experiencing some mental effects from it right now, nothing else. Please PM me and I will help however I can. Remember, I am the Queen of meltdowns and can help you! I am on the same meds you are.

Hi NormaLynne!

I started E last Saturday.
I'm also in a stressful environment (bosses, people I manage effing things up, schedules, etc)
Let's be honest, starting E felt like a new layer of stress on top of what I already have but now, I feel better because my anxiety is going away (disclaimer: everybody is different).
I know it's easy to say but try to relax and separate the two. Your transition and work stress.
Both are not related.
It will take sometime to adjust.
Wow, that even helped me just writing it.

Sonia

NormaLynne, hugs

I know how contractors can be. They definitely can add a lot of stress.

I know when I was going on HRT I was extremely stressed out. I was asking myself am I doing the right thing and what happens if I get fired and divorced. I was pretty fragile back then too so suicide was on my mind a lot. I wanted all the pain to stop and I was struggling to cope. I do not hate being trans; I hate how others treat us. I do wish I was Cis. I continued to go on HRT because I knew it was the right thing to do and I promised myself to give it a try ( 3 months) and then if I had no relief then plan B. Well 17 months later I am more comfortable with myself and the stress level is 5% what it use to be. I still have some pretty bad days but less of them.

We all understand the pressure and you need to follow your heart. 

Needs must. It's all been building up to this (excuse the pun), you might find that the stress you have now will alleviate if you make the jump. Whereas if you don't, it might just add to the pile.

OK I was able to get someone to be here while I go to my therapist appointment today at 12:00. That should help me a little. Still real stressed. And I plan on keeping my endo appointment at 3:00 tomorrow to start on low dose E to see how I feel. Both my endo and therapist think its a good idea to add a anti depressant. So I am thinking about that. I'll get through this. But for some stupid reason this is one of the hardest things for me.

For many of us getting started on estrogen totally calmed us, and helped us lose a lot of the inner tension that had been plaguing us. Give it a chance and see where it goes. Low dose E for a short while won't cause permanent changes but it may bring about mental peace and clarity. And if it does, that's a good sign to keep going forward.

Norma,
I agree with Jessica none of us want to be trans. But that is the reality of the situation and like others have said here, a low dose of E can make all the difference in the world and how you're feeling. I would definitely keep your appointment with your endocrinologist for me when I got my prescription. I could not wait to take my first dose. Just remember though,YMMV do try to hang in there, see if there is any way to lessen the stress I offer you a big hug and hope you have a better day.

Hugs,

Melissa Ann

It could just be the hormones. I remember when filling out the feminizing medications consent I read something that said I promised to stay in Therapy for the first 3 months atleast (Not HRT, but actual therapy). I'm assuming this is because the first 3 months are supposed to be the craziest because your body is accepting a surplus of new hormones & is adjusting to it all the while dealing with normal every day things. I remember the first few months being bumpy too. Mood swings, thoughts of "Should I be doing this?" , etc. Obviously I pushed through it & I'm okay now

Quote from: LizMarie on November 11, 2014, 10:27:08 AM
For many of us getting started on estrogen totally calmed us, and helped us lose a lot of the inner tension that had been plaguing us. Give it a chance and see where it goes. Low dose E for a short while won't cause permanent changes but it may bring about mental peace and clarity. And if it does, that's a good sign to keep going forward.

Exactly what happened with me Liz.  It was not being on E that stressed me and caused
my dysphoria to rage.

Count me in on No One WANTS to be Trans.

With that said, I started E when I was already stressed to the max and doubled. Most likely a prime mover in me finally, after decades, doing something For Real for me and handling being trans.

I also was pretty good at getting myself into WTF am I doing??? funks lasting days to many weeks with perhaps only weeks, if that, to months in between. For sure taking any step, especially the first ones WILL totally stress you out.

When I am, I keep on reminding myself, "I Know What Doesn't Work". So... Go back to not working or do something different? To loosely quote Albert Einstein, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result"

Taking my first estrogen was one of the most scariest things I did, except for dressing as a woman for the first time in public. It can be very overwhelming, and you do not know what to expect. I am not sure what I did to elevate my fear, but I am sure you'll do fine. But then again, if you really do not want it, don't do it.

Norma,
Wow, do I ever wish I were not trans.. Been this way forever.. most consistent thing in my life ... as consistent as breathing. My therapist taught me to think logically because I would so try to go into denial.. which was confusing.. however she once said if I did not have some healthy questioning going on she would worry about that..
I hope your therapy went well..  I added a anti depressant.. at my therapist suggestion..  I have never had much depression I cope well but when this took over my life and I started to transition.. I really needed something. Lots of stressors.. I could do a list but it would take a while. 
So, therapy so important.... hang in there.
Carrie