Hi, I have been away from this forum for some months. the reason is just to rest myself thinking I am a trans. I am now at late 40s, came out to my wife more than a year. She does not accept it and act like I have told her nothing. I am now almost 1 year on HRT. And even though I try to get back to the thought that I am a man and want to stay with my family just like another men, I keep on taking hormones secretly. My body changes slightly because I take a minimum dose. My wife does not notice anything but I feel I boobs started to point out. It will obviously noticeable one day soon.

When I have a chance of going out of town or staying alone, I am addicted to cross dressing. I love the feeling being seen as a woman (or even as a trans). But cross dressing causes me terrible tired. I have a secret place to store my wigs, woman clothes, cosmetics, and every things. When the chance came, normally it is after the neighborhood sleep, I have to spend 1-2 hours to get dressed, and the longer I am under woman clothes means the more tiring I have to handle.

I throw away my female stuff more than 10 times with feeling of tiring and want to become just a man for my family. But I can not get rid of the feeling to be seen as a woman (or a trans). The feeling is for strangers only. I dare not enough to come out to everyone without a permission from my wife.

Sometimes, I question "Am I really a trans?" but "if not, why I still keep on taking hormone and feel happy with the body changes?". I reason hold me not to go full time is only because I love my wife and my daughter so much. "Do trans people love their wife?"

What should I do? leaving her or just stay inside the closet. Next month will mark me 1 year on HRT, but I still don't know.

Please help me by say some things. be my friend in the universe. Thank you.

Id think you should see a therapist together. I know this can be lonely so good to get help.
Im married w children and love them much but me happy is good for them. After a while its really no big deal. The ppl that hate you hate and most others dont really care.

Yes, you are TG. What kind of TG, or where you stand along the line between cis and must have surgery TS, only you can answer. The desire to cross-dress followed by the shame and guilt afterwards is very common. That same shame and guilt also leads to "Purging", or throwing out all the fem items. Taking hormones can just be an extension of a cross-dressing fantasy.

So what to do? Well, you have many questions about yourself and very few answers. The best course is finding a for real gender therapist. Finding a TG support group will also help. Besides hearing other peoples stories you can get leads or help in finding therapists that actually know what they are doing.

At the end of the day, only you can say decide who you are. Who that person is can change over time. The last thing anyone wants to do is blow up their life only to find out they were really wrong about something. It is human nature to look for the easy quick solution. The right solution often takes a lot of hard work.

Hi Jaminajay,

Yes trans* love their family.

I have a wife and daughter and I love them dearly.

Being Tran* does not go away and it gets worse as we age.

I agree with Joannae, a good gender therapist and a trans* group will help you address who you need to be.

Thank you so much, StevieAK, JoanneB and Cynthia,

For the point that if I am TG or not, it's clear to my mind that I am happy to see myself as a woman. This feeling started since I was 10. I dream of being a girl. When I get into teenage, I day dreamed about being a sexy girl having sex with man. I have pressed deeply inside with fear of expressing it. The first time I started cross dressing released 'her' out and she never want to go back. I agree with JoanneB that guilty came because of hiding. But the desire to get dressed never go away. The day dream of being a sexy girl has gone after I took hormone. I only dream about being a woman as 'myself' - sexy or ugly I don't care.

As Cynthia pointed out, trans love their family. I think so too. But I could not imagine how would we stay together with me as a TG. I do not really need SRS but becoming a woman husband is not accepted by my wife. My daughter seems to be okay. She is 4 YO and ask me often; "Are you male or female... If you want to be a female you need to get a longer hair." Looking into the future, if I go fulltime , my daughter should accept me well. The relationship with my wife, I don't know.

Quote from: jeminajay on November 29, 2014, 01:31:41 AM
Thank you so much, StevieAK, JoanneB and Cynthia,

For the point that if I am TG or not, it's clear to my mind that I am happy to see myself as a woman. This feeling started since I was 10. I dream of being a girl. When I get into teenage, I day dreamed about being a sexy girl having sex with man. I have pressed deeply inside with fear of expressing it. The first time I started cross dressing released 'her' out and she never want to go back. I agree with JoanneB that guilty came because of hiding. But the desire to get dressed never go away. The day dream of being a sexy girl has gone after I took hormone. I only dream about being a woman as 'myself' - sexy or ugly I don't care.

As Cynthia pointed out, trans love their family. I think so too. But I could not imagine how would we stay together with me as a TG. I do not really need SRS but becoming a woman husband is not accepted by my wife. My daughter seems to be okay. She is 4 YO and ask me often; "Are you male or female... If you want to be a female you need to get a longer hair." Looking into the future, if I go fulltime , my daughter should accept me well. The relationship with my wife, I don't know.

Spouses are often not all that happy about transitioning. In my case, my wife knew over 30 years ago I had gender issues, knew I cross-dressed, and over time eventually stayed around the house that 1 day a month or so when I just Had to. Over time even that I put a stop to out of guilt, there were just way too many other "important" things I should have been doing instead of indulging myself. Plus, although my wife was sort of OK with it, I knew it still bothered her to see me as Joanne.

Almost 7 years ago I dropped the T-Bomb on my wife. I was working and living 350 miles from home. I had too much free time. My life was in the sewer. I knew I had to take on being trans, for real. I found a local support group. It changed my life. I started HRT, again. I've been on/off low dose HRT several times over 30-40 years as an emotional reset. I got that reset again. With all the hard work I was putting into examining myself, my life, learning new ways to think of myself and to act, I grew more and more as a person.

Then, a little over a year ago more miracles began to happen. I got the chance to take my dream job back close to home. I could be there for my wife, who is partially disabled. But, it also meant big changes for me since where we live is not TG friendly. It took a few months of us living back together again for her to fully realize how much better of a person I am growing into. It took even longer for her to even consider taking the chance of staying together if I go part-time again or even full-time. It has taken almost 2 years for her to truly believe I do love her and want her in my life, that I don't intend to toss her aside if/when I take things further. Our love for eachother plus our deep desire not to stand between our partners happiness has helped a lot to keep us together.

Life is about growing. First physically, then later as a person. Being trans we don't want to think about ourselves, it is too scary, it is too painful. We try to live up to a role. Transition means "to change". Hopefully not mere appearance but also in how we think and feel about ourselves. How we feel about ourselves is reflected in how the rest of the world sees us. My wife saw how I had changed for the worse over the many years together. Today, she is happy to see how I have grown and am becoming the person she always saw the potential I could be. Sure, the packaging may also be changing some too. Yet, she too is growing.

I dont know your relatuinship but for my wife and i, i would have never imagined. That one day we'd go on dates and be called ladies and her not care. I went slow, was a new happy me and she loves me. We made it and i hope you guys can too.