Kellum
Crazy how well that worked huh... ... No doubt in my mind who I am supposed to be.

Quote from: stephee72 on March 10, 2015, 06:10:16 PM
Kellum
Crazy how well that worked huh... ... No doubt in my mind who I am supposed to be.

Indeed!

Well, so sorry I keep asking. But the more information I have the more I can put the pieces together. Once again, for those who responded that yes this was a realization later in life... where you usually shy or lacked self confidence and could not realize why? I've felt like that all the time. While most men compete for who's the best and their ideas and values, I sit in a corner and prefer not to give my own opinion. I also care a lot about how I look and check the mirror all the time (kind of like women do). I'm not aggressive at all. I'm not feminine in terms of how I present myself. I feel inferior around men, like I don't stare men I don't know in the eyes passing by a hallway because it gives me this sensation of fear I don't know... I don't know that is are the facts that show that I have a female brain/mind in a male body.

Thanks again !

Even though I had a waxing and waining awareness of  why I felt how I felt I was often perplexed by the experiences you just described as they happened to me. You described me to a tee. I prefer consensus to one upsmanship, I could never understand male competition. I don't stare anyone in the eyes I glance, smile and look away. I have always been intimidated by men. I often feel like a child around them. Shyness and self deprecation are cornerstones of my personality. I can be assertive but I don't like to push others around. I often watched how my brother and father interact and wonder just what the hell is going on. My boss was always complaining when he'd put me in charge of a team building something that I didn't assert my opinion above others. I always want the people I work with to feel included in what we are doing. When I was younger I played soccer and was quite good, but couldn't comprehend why my own teammates would be so agressive with me after a game. Even if we had won and I had been instrumental it seemed that was never enough. I didn't want to think that this was female behavior because my mother is a staunch femminist and a bit of a gender non conformist. I am always worried about hurting the feelings of others.

I hope this helps even thoughh I'm not who you wanted to hear from...

Did any of these changed after you transitioned? I mean.. I don't want to have a female body I think.. I'm confused lol.. but at the same time I feel like not really a man inside. Like you are saying like a little kid but the more I think of it the more it feels like a woman rather than a little kid.

I suppose the little kid feeling was when I wasn't so aware of being trans the more I became aware of myself the more female that relation felt. And I haven't even started hrt yet although I should be starting soon. I have only gone as far as presentation and am part way through coming out. I did a very good job of repressing my memories and self awareness for a good long while, alcohol abuse helped that. I have however made peace with all the confused thoughts. I acepted myself for who I am. I know why I don't fit in with the boys, because I am not a boy, I'm a woman.

From what you are saying did you have any wishes of being a woman when you were a child? Or something similar? I fit with men. It s just some aspects that I can't cope with. Like I was never able to fight even for fun back in high school and such. But nothing at all such as wanting to be a woman ever crossed my mind before. Not even when those famous transsexuals were appearing on TV in shows and such.

Around the pre teens to mid/late teens I did know yes. And I wanted to transition but I had so much guilt, shame and fear. I was very close with my younger brother so I just followed his lead. He  unwittingly taught me how to fake being manly, how to take a punch etc. When he caught me (found a clothing stash and a diary) was when I buried everything and began the self destructive path that carried me into my 30's. That's when I started to reawaken and remember.

That's what I meant by saying that I know I'm not who you were really querying, I just saw similarities and thought I'd share that with you. I am sorry if that wasn't helpful, I meant no disrespect.

No please it does help ! Thanks a lot ! Here what I'm trying to find is some cues. Maybe someone who actually feels similar to me. Since I've had OCD all my life it's very hard for me to tell from real thoughts and unreal ones. And while some say HRT is the time to see if it's right or not... if I was to do it and he wrong idk if I could deal with the outcome of the hormones either. I'll still talk to my regular therapy and see a gender ones within the next year when I have my money.

Arghhh still so confused however. It's as if I know I don't want to be a woman but I'm feeling like one. And it doesn't feel bad but it's like Idk.. I'm leaning more towards not wanting to be one and be just a normal male if I could so I don't get what's wrong in my head.. I could not believe that OCD could do this. Like I don't think it has that much power to accomplish a feeling like this..

Quote from: needhelp on March 11, 2015, 09:06:49 AM
Well, so sorry I keep asking. But the more information I have the more I can put the pieces together. Once again, for those who responded that yes this was a realization later in life... where you usually shy or lacked self confidence and could not realize why?

Yes I was always shy, always afraid to talk about how I really felt about things.  I think I spent most of my life just trying to please others.   I never could fit in with others.  always felt left out.   And, no, I never understood why.

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I've felt like that all the time. While most men compete for who's the best and their ideas and values, I sit in a corner and prefer not to give my own opinion.

I seldom gave my opinion, but when I knew better I would tell them.   I wasn't into competition.  I hated those early high schol years when all the guys were pushing each other around and asserting themselves physically.   It never made any sense to me.

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I also care a lot about how I look and check the mirror all the time (kind of like women do). I'm not aggressive at all. I'm not feminine in terms of how I present myself. I feel inferior around men, like I don't stare men I don't know in the eyes passing by a hallway because it gives me this sensation of fear I don't know... I don't know that is are the facts that show that I have a female brain/mind in a male body.

Thanks again !

Well, I was never aggressive.   But I eventually learned to stand up to others (bluff) - I wouldn't have survived my school otherwise.     I always hated fighting and all the physical aggression of the teen years.   

Each of us is different.  Don't try to decide whether you are transgender or not by how well you match the rest of us.

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Did any of these changed after you transitioned? I mean.. I don't want to have a female body I think.. I'm confused lol.. but at the same time I feel like not really a man inside. Like you are saying like a little kid but the more I think of it the more it feels like a woman rather than a little kid.

I realized I was trans in a very roundabout way.  I did not understand the girl in a guy's body trope, I did not consciously know I wanted to be  a woman.   It was only as I worked with a gender therapist and began to look deep into myself and trust my intuitive, unconscious self that I began to discover I had left my real identity behind, hide it, repressed it.  And as I god in touch with my true self I found that I am a she.

I am still early in transition, but, yes, everything changed.  And that without the hormones.  I learned to accept myself as a woman.  As my female side emerged from where she was hidden I began to like myself, I began to have something worth while living for.    The hormone have begun to give me confidence in myself.  Or maybe just working through some of the issues of the past and coming to accept myself as I am gave me the confidence.

If you want to find out, find someone to work with and start making baby steps in releasing your feminine side.  If you are trans yo will likely feel better doing so, 

Well, I suppose I haven't shared my story yet, but it fits in this discussion so here it goes.

Almost three years ago (about 30 at the time) I was hanging out with some friends drinking beer and grilling up some food. At some point one of them said that one of the guys from the band Against Me was planning to turn into a woman. I was a big fan of several of their albums. I remember it really catching me by surprise, but I didn't think much about it that day. The next day while I was in the shower getting ready for work it came to mind again. I remember thinking, "That's so weird. How does someone decide to do that?" I looked down at my body and imagined seeing myself with boobs and a more feminine shape. I almost jumped and fell over in shock at how much I liked the idea. It was all I could think about that day as well as the next two. How did I not realize these feelings before? Are they real? I'm so tall. How could I ever pass? On and on it went until I told myself I that I don't have to make a decision right now.

The feelings of dysphoria would subside for months at a time and then crop up again for several days before they would once again subside. This went on for two years. Last spring those feeling really came back with a vengeance. "I JUST WANT TO BE A WOMAN!!!" was my immediate thought as I awoke in the middle of the night with tears already streaming down my face. I managed to calm myself and fall back to sleep after a while, but that bout of dysphoria was longer and much more intense than any time prior. It came back again the next month even more intense which is when I came to this site because I was at such a loss as to how I should deal with the feelings. Then it came once more the next month and I decided it was time to see a therapist. Unfortunately the feelings subsided before I got into see her so we weren't able to make any progress on that front. I didn't have insurance and didn't have enough money to continue long.

I haven't made any progress since. I really want to do more therapy sessions before I make any decisions because I still have fear and reservations about going through with HRT. I just feel so overwhelmed every time I think about all of this, but I also know I need to do something because the dysphoria has occasionally made me feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack.

I do have to say that since I had my first bout of dysphoria in the shower three years ago, I've looked back and noticed a number things about myself that I hadn't recognized before. For example, I remember looking at myself in the mirror when I was 21 and wishing I was more attractive. Not just any kind of improvement, I wanted to be pretty. I wanted more feminine facial features. I think part of they reason it took me so long to connect the dots is that I (mostly) consider myself heterosexual, and due to lack of exposure, I thought only gay people ever wanted to change.

Well, this has been exhausting.

Daisy Jane. If you didn't mind I'd appreciate if you told me about other things you've realized of your past years once this thought came to your mind ! I just feel like what you're saying sounds a little bit more like me and maybe it could help me? I see that you use a female name so do you consider yourself a woman now? Thanks a lot !

And Kaydee. Thanks again for your reply. In terms of feminine behavior... all I can think about is that I like catchy songs from pop feminine artists in a sense that I imagine myself dancing to it all cool and such like professional dancers idk lol... Even though I can't dance haha.. But I've been feeling very weird when I wake up up nights.. like I wake up and I feel a woman.. again I don't know of its my subconscious obsessing about it or me.

Daisy Jane is just a name I use here. The nickname I go by is kinda unisex and I actually really like it, so I may just slightly alter my name so I don't have a guys name on my drivers license.

I don't consider myself a man or a woman. Somewhere on the spectrum I guess since I don't feel any dysphoria about my genitalia. Even before the thought that I might not see myself as male crossed my mind, I've never really considered myself a "man." I've felt that a lot of my guy behaviors were just an act that I needed to put on in order to properly navigate social situations. I know there are more thing, but I haven't been sleeping well and I'm drawing a blank at the moment.

I would also like to add that I tend to not be the most self-aware person which is probably why I didn't connect the dots until the last few years when I felt like I got smacked in the face with it.

I didn't consciously know til I was almost 37. So I struggle sometimes with not being able to have those stories about talking to my parents about how I wanted to be a little girl when I was 6, etc...but maybe they are hidden somewhere? (What started the process for me was first realizing that i was attracted to men about 6 months prior. So I had a double whammy. Sexuality and Gender!)

Im 38 now and I have been on HRT since January.

I still question it constantly, but I think it is only fear. I guess if I hid it so deeply from myself, then my fear must be quite strong.

I grew up in the midwest, Catholic, and don't ever remember seeing a transgender person growing up. It didn't help matter that I had an alcoholic dad, either...

Quote from: Daisy Jane on March 15, 2015, 10:33:47 PM
Well, I suppose I haven't shared my story yet, but it fits in this discussion so here it goes.

Almost three years ago (about 30 at the time) I was hanging out with some friends drinking beer and grilling up some food. At some point one of them said that one of the guys from the band Against Me was planning to turn into a woman. I was a big fan of several of their albums. I remember it really catching me by surprise, but I didn't think much about it that day. The next day while I was in the shower getting ready for work it came to mind again. I remember thinking, "That's so weird. How does someone decide to do that?" I looked down at my body and imagined seeing myself with boobs and a more feminine shape. I almost jumped and fell over in shock at how much I liked the idea. It was all I could think about that day as well as the next two. How did I not realize these feelings before? Are they real? I'm so tall. How could I ever pass? On and on it went until I told myself I that I don't have to make a decision right now.

The feelings of dysphoria would subside for months at a time and then crop up again for several days before they would once again subside. This went on for two years. Last spring those feeling really came back with a vengeance. "I JUST WANT TO BE A WOMAN!!!" was my immediate thought as I awoke in the middle of the night with tears already streaming down my face. I managed to calm myself and fall back to sleep after a while, but that bout of dysphoria was longer and much more intense than any time prior. It came back again the next month even more intense which is when I came to this site because I was at such a loss as to how I should deal with the feelings. Then it came once more the next month and I decided it was time to see a therapist. Unfortunately the feelings subsided before I got into see her so we weren't able to make any progress on that front. I didn't have insurance and didn't have enough money to continue long.

I haven't made any progress since. I really want to do more therapy sessions before I make any decisions because I still have fear and reservations about going through with HRT. I just feel so overwhelmed every time I think about all of this, but I also know I need to do something because the dysphoria has occasionally made me feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack.

I do have to say that since I had my first bout of dysphoria in the shower three years ago, I've looked back and noticed a number things about myself that I hadn't recognized before. For example, I remember looking at myself in the mirror when I was 21 and wishing I was more attractive. Not just any kind of improvement, I wanted to be pretty. I wanted more feminine facial features. I think part of they reason it took me so long to connect the dots is that I (mostly) consider myself heterosexual, and due to lack of exposure, I thought only gay people ever wanted to change.

Well, this has been exhausting.

Quote from: Kaydee on March 09, 2015, 10:28:00 AM
I didn't know I was trans* until about a year ago at age 56.   I knew there were some weird things happening in my life, but I had repressed it all form an early age, and could never allow my mind to think about what it was all about.  Now I look back to the cross-dressing, to fantasizing what it would be like to be that girl I just passed - it obviously was there all the time and affected my whole life.  But the way my mind was - the repression - made it impossible to consider any of this in any rational way.  I compartmentalized all this behavior and considered myself a normal, healthy, but rather strange guy. 

Then a little over a year ago the wall of repression weakened, I began to see past the blinders and see what my life was all about.  Now, with a lot of self-examination, time, and work with my therapist I have accepted myself as a trans woman and have worked past a lot of the related shame issues and have begun transition.

I hate the fact that the repression kept me from doing this when I was younger.  But I look forward to the coming years when I am allowed to be myself.

Quote from: Eevee on March 09, 2015, 06:47:07 AM
Nothing made sense mostly because I felt like there was something very wrong with me. I felt it both physically and mentally, like something didn't line up. I was always awkward whenever I tried to be the person that I was expected to be. I knew that I wasn't really living the life I should be living, but I wasn't sure how to get there either. I had no guidance and everyone was trying to keep me on the same path that always felt wrong. It wasn't until I started to embrace the idea of femininity that my family tried to keep from me that I started to feel more comfortable with myself... until I looked down at my body again. Then I started to figure out exactly what was wrong and why I was always so depressed. Also, I do blame my parents a lot, but I was also in heavy denial because I didn't want to be "different".

In short, it was just a long journey through years of being lost without a guide or a clue.

Quote from: Eva Marie on March 08, 2015, 08:49:08 PM
I didn't have a clue that I was trans until I was in my early-mid 40s. Looking back now I can clearly see the signs, but they were subtle and there was no information available to me back then to put the pieces together. I went along for years knowing that something was wrong but not knowing what it was. Now i'm 52 and I went full time about 6 months ago. I lost a 27 year marriage in the process (not by my choice) but got rid of the horrible dysphoria that was killing me one drink at a time. My life is different now, but in a good way! 

Quote from: Eevee on March 08, 2015, 01:25:05 PM
I started transitioning when I was 27 (I'm 28 now). I tried being a straight cis guy before that because that was "normal". I was always frustrated and depressed, but I wasn't ever sure why. I was even suicidal for a while. I did feel like I was different, but I didn't know why. All I did know was that I was afraid of facing whatever was different about me because I wanted to fit in with others so much. Then it just clicked one day, and everything about my life before then made so much more sense. I'm much happier with my life since coming out and starting HRT, and there's nothing that could possibly convince me to go back to how things were before.

Quote from: AnonyMs on March 08, 2015, 03:32:51 AM
Personally I didn't realize it until quite late, but there were signs of it for decades. In retrospect it hard to understand why I didn't put it all together much earlier; I can only think I didn't want to.

Quote from: Jenna Marie on March 08, 2015, 11:17:24 AM
I was 32 when it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I'd cross-dressed a few times as a sex thing with my girlfriend who was bi (she talked me into it) and looking back I was never as *happy* about being male as my cis friends, but...  I still think I was a cis man for a while, I just changed.

I started transition about 3 months after I started thinking about this stuff, and for the longest time I figured I was probably faking it, but every step I took made me happier and less able to stand the idea of going back. Eventually I realized that I had to be trans, if I was more than halfway through transition and in a hurry to get to the end.

It's so cool to see all these, truly later in life realizations...for those of us in this position, it can be disheartening or anxiety-inducing to see or hear about people who have known since they were a kid...

Stellarj1, I grew up Catholic in the Midwest and I'm old enough to BE your dad, so I know what you mean. Trans wasn't even on my radar. I didn't even realize I was trans until about a year ago. "Common knowledge" didn't include the truth of trans until recently, so how could I know? Not having those stories makes me sometimes doubt myself even though I can point to things going back at least to college that should have made it blatantly obvious.

When I was younger mannerisms and looks led to me being called gay or queer (which didn't mean what it does now) even though I had absolutely no interest in men. Exhibit A:

Found this picture the other day. Barring the clothes that is NOT a boy.

  A late bloomer and a Boomer. I knew around age 5 or 6. I didn't say anything because one could be institutionalized for that at the time. I did come out to my mother when I was 25 in 1977. I did go to a shrink back then, but nothing came of those sessions. The nasty press against Renee Richards and others with their transitions kept me from transitioning until age 58. I am stuck in the middle at this time due to health problems and finances.

Joelene

I've only realised I would really be much happier as a woman this past year, I started crossdressing 2 years ago at age of 41 , my wife was away for a weekend and I put on her nighty to go to sleep in as I love her smell and It felt so good, when I took it off that next day I had to try on a dress, her shirt, jumpers. It was like a wave of calm and bliss, sitting on bed in tights and a jumper dress reading a book. As a male in his 40's I was getting grumpier and grumpier and just something was missing. I always knew something wasn't right since I was kid, I never really fitted in with other boys, preferred company of girls then women but no idea it was to do with being trans. I always felt like there was mist around me, something just not letting me see and feel the full picture of life and the day I fully dressed with wig and clothes and saw the true me that mist evaporated. Now I hate being in man mode, some days its bearable but others its not. But Im 43, married with 3 kids and I love them all so Im really really stuck.