It´s been a while since i posted here.  Am still in the trans program, although i frequently have doubts about that process.
Am at the stage of seeing a psychiatrist and filling out endless forms of questions meant to establish how whacky or not i am.
It´s not really a psychiatrist they assigned to me though, it´s a student in his third or fourth year of studies.  Neither he nor i
know why he was chosen for this and as far as i understand it i am the first one they do that to.
i told him they really threw him in the deep end, so they must think highly of him already, that got a wry smile from him.
i was quite irate in my first couple of meetings with him, but he kinda grew on me and i began to appreciate his intelligence, calmness
and relatively open mind, so i guess it was a good decision after all to choose him for me, as arrogant blinkered sorts rub me the wrong way.

The questions on these forms are anything but subtle and often quite insulting.  For instance one questions is do you see auras,
as if seeing auras, a long since proven and photographed phenomena has any bearing on my sanity.  i regret my honest reply to that
question and a few others, i really should learn to keep some things to myself.

Now comes waiting for the committee of "experts" to interpret how to best proceed with my transition.
i am seeing a trans therapist unrelated to the program, plus a rape counselor and glad i am of it,
because there i can blow off some steam and try to keep my bearings through introspection.
Vivid highly symbolic dreams are a nightly reality and many of them leave me unsure and wavering,
they are mostly about my struggle with myself, the two sides of me, each wanting to take over the other,
but i take heart in the knowledge that my feminine side is winning for now. In most of them i see myself as a trans woman.
i have a terrible fear that i am some of sort schizoid and will never find fulfillment in any one role. i dearly hope that is not so.
The other day my father found out that he has inoperable cancer, i was the first one aside from my stepmother he told,
this has understandably also impacted my emotional well being.

i cling on to the blessings in my life, my wife and my son, my close friend, the kind looks i get from strangers as i am my feminine self
and this forum which i have deep respect and gratitude for.

Sorry about how i rambled on here, i felt i needed to get all of this down in one place
and this is the only place i feel comfortable doing that in.

Love, Linda

Hugs Linda,

My love to your father.

I have no idea why you are going through such a strange evaluation process. Have you given them a copy of SOC 7 available from www.wpath.org ? That is how we should be treated.

Glad to hear you have clicked with your therapist. I was a bit the same with mine.

Quote from: lindagrl on March 13, 2015, 10:09:39 PM
i regret my honest reply to that  question and a few others, i really should learn to keep some things to myself.

Yes, I learned long ago to keep my mouth shut about a whole variety of things...

Hey Linda

Yes, those forms, in whatever language or place, are a bit of a blunt instrument.  But, sigh, they're part of the process, and I guess we go through with them to show that we're serious about what we're trying to achieve.

As per the 1st line of your post, are your doubts about the trans program you're in, or your own trans process, or both things? 

You're working through some complex issues right now, it's clear.  While they're unnerving and uncomfortable at the time, things do have a tendency to straighten themselves out with some hard work.  And later you'll have gained a lot of insight into yourself.  I think this can only be a good thing.

Good luck.
Julia

Linda,

My thoughts are with you.

I hope your fathers journey is swift and with all his loved ones.

You are dealing with a lot of issues and finding help and facing the issues is painful and emotionally draining.

Having your wife and child's support is fantastic.

I hope you find resolution to what haunts you,

love Cynthia

Quote from: Cindy on March 14, 2015, 02:05:24 AM
Hugs Linda,

My love to your father.

I have no idea why you are going through such a strange evaluation process. Have you given them a copy of SOC 7 available from www.wpath.org ? That is how we should be treated.

Thank you Cindy,

There is not a single question on those forms about my transitioning, just general sanity questions.  Hope they don´t lock me up hehe.
They have just started in January to work with SOC but it seems they still have not got the meaning of it or refuse to abide by it fully.
At least i do feel less hostility now than in my first interview with the head psychologist, that´s something.

Quote from: Julia-Madrid on March 14, 2015, 03:50:08 AM
Hey Linda

Yes, those forms, in whatever language or place, are a bit of a blunt instrument.  But, sigh, they're part of the process, and I guess we go through with them to show that we're serious about what we're trying to achieve.

As per the 1st line of your post, are your doubts about the trans program you're in, or your own trans process, or both things? 

You're working through some complex issues right now, it's clear.  While they're unnerving and uncomfortable at the time, things do have a tendency to straighten themselves out with some hard work.  And later you'll have gained a lot of insight into yourself.  I think this can only be a good thing.

Good luck.
Julia

Hi Julia,

i have doubts about both the process and my transitioning at times, but it´s like you wrote, i am working through a lot of issues these days
and i suppose it´s normal to experience doubt.  Hope it fades soon though, tired of it.
Oh i have learned much about myself already.  i know my rape counselor is impressed with how i am dealing head on with that issue
and i think that my trans therapist truly sees me as a woman, not just speaking that way to please me.  Thinking so helps me much,
i always look forward to seeing her.

Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on March 14, 2015, 06:06:27 AM
Linda,

My thoughts are with you.

I hope your fathers journey is swift and with all his loved ones.

You are dealing with a lot of issues and finding help and facing the issues is painful and emotionally draining.

Having your wife and child's support is fantastic.

I hope you find resolution to what haunts you,

love Cynthia

Thank you kindly Cynthia.  i am also hoping it won´t be too drawn out and painful for him.
It´s just a part of life, if we live long enough we get to experience seeing our parents fade into the next world.

My dreams are still wild but at least sometimes they are just pure entertainment.
Last night i dreamed that i bumped into Putin on a local street and invited him to stay for the night and eat chicken with us. 

Thank you for your supportive message

Quote from: Ms Grace on March 14, 2015, 02:16:11 AM
Glad to hear you have clicked with your therapist. I was a bit the same with mine.

Yes, I learned long ago to keep my mouth shut about a whole variety of things...

So i am not the only one? Good
i know what you mean and you understand what i am saying, this helps me affirm my faith in what i am doing.
Yes lips zipped on certain subjects from now on with the crew.