They hate me.  They're disgusted.  "Coming out" - more like drawing further back into myself.  14 years on this miserable earth trapped in a foreign body, forced into little patterned church dresses, curled hair, blue bows.  Yelled at me when I mucked myself up.  For a while I tried to force myself to be girly - pretended a little romance with a male classmate, etc.  At least they were happy then.

Eighth grade was an eternity of mousiness, no friends, no personality.  Terror, self-loathing.  Just longing jealousy of the guy friends.

That just led me to depression, suicide attempt, psyche ward.  Now I'm myself - my happy self, my boy self, my true self.  I can look in the mirror, walk through town.  I'm dressing in guy clothes, working out, cut my hair. 

And they hate me.  My dad doesn't understand.  My mother is terrified.  My brothers make a joke of it.  Grandma won't talk to me. 

Is it worth it?  For some perverse reason I wasn't born with a male body.  Is it some sort of torture, to get undressed and shower, to have those female parts staring back at me? 

Nothing is worth anything.  They tell me to be assertive, that I'm too mousy, that I'm a wonderful "girl."  Now I am assertive - the boy I always was, and they hate me.

I can be a boy online, at least, right?  I can go through the routine as a girl, keep quiet, introverted - basically a painted puppet for my family - just so they're comfortable.

No, I can't do that.  But I have to, yet I don't want to.  I don't want to live like that.  It isn't living at all, is it? 

Is it possible to ever adjust to being a girl?  Just numb yourself until it doesn't matter anymore? 

I can't stay anymore

The simple fact is you can only be yourself and remain healthy in mind and spirit.  Your family are demanding that you be something you're not and that's only going to make you miserable which you have already found out for yourself.  Seriously being a painted puppet for your family is only going to hurt you more and trying to be one in order to avoid their anger is nothing short of cruelty on their part.

The main problem I can see is that you are 14 and still a minor which means that leaving isn't really an option for you.  When I was 14 I was tall for my age, but still very much a young and innocent child at heart so I got endlessly told off by my Dad for being a sissy and for playing 'childish' games which apparently would cause folk to think I was mentally retarded.  So because of that I can certainly empathise with you and your present situation with your family.
Are you able to talk to a counsellor at school?  I think that might be a very good place to start and of course you can find support here as well as a safe place for you talk about what is going on in your life.

I've not been in your shoes, exactly, but I do remember growing up in a world where who I was was just plain wrong, as far as everyone was concerned.  I had zero ability to make myself into whatever the heck it was they wanted me to be.

What I did was to just focus on preparing for the day when I could get out of my parents' house.  I did what I could to get by, made whatever compromises I needed to, but also seized any opportunities to let out a little of myself.  (It was complicated by the fact that I'd put most of my self in deep-freeze by the time I was 12.)

I'd planned on just getting a job and moving into an apartment, but my parents indicated that college was the only option they'd support that didn't involve living at home, and it turned out for the best, because it not only got me out of the house, it got me out of the region of the USA whose thinking was (and is) stuck back in 1850.

I don't know if you can do that: simply do whatever it takes to stay alive and minimize the trauma for the couple of years before you can get out.  And figure out what your options will be once you are old enough to do so.


There's also the standard advice of finding a good therapist.  You don't need to say that it's for gender issues; actually, just dealing with the stress you're under is reason enough.  I would avoid religiously based therapists (e.g., "Christian" therapists, or priests/pastors or the like.)

BTW, there is a special forum for under-18 people (youth talk); you'll probably find other young people there going through similar difficulties and who might have better advice and, if not, at least can commiserate.

Quote from: Asche on March 26, 2015, 09:01:13 PM

There's also the standard advice of finding a good therapist.  You don't need to say that it's for gender issues; actually, just dealing with the stress you're under is reason enough.  I would avoid religiously based therapists (e.g., "Christian" therapists, or priests/pastors or the like.)

I completely agree.  When I felt I needed some help by seeing a therapist around two years ago I went secular all the way.

Quote from: CarrotInsanity on March 26, 2015, 07:49:52 PM
They hate me.  They're disgusted.  "Coming out" - more like drawing further back into myself.  14 years on this miserable earth trapped in a foreign body, forced into little patterned church dresses, curled hair, blue bows.  Yelled at me when I mucked myself up.  For a while I tried to force myself to be girly - pretended a little romance with a male classmate, etc.  At least they were happy then.

Eighth grade was an eternity of mousiness, no friends, no personality.  Terror, self-loathing.  Just longing jealousy of the guy friends.

That just led me to depression, suicide attempt, psyche ward.  Now I'm myself - my happy self, my boy self, my true self.  I can look in the mirror, walk through town.  I'm dressing in guy clothes, working out, cut my hair. 

And they hate me.  My dad doesn't understand.  My mother is terrified.  My brothers make a joke of it.  Grandma won't talk to me. 

Is it worth it?  For some perverse reason I wasn't born with a male body.  Is it some sort of torture, to get undressed and shower, to have those female parts staring back at me? 

Nothing is worth anything.  They tell me to be assertive, that I'm too mousy, that I'm a wonderful "girl."  Now I am assertive - the boy I always was, and they hate me.

I can be a boy online, at least, right?  I can go through the routine as a girl, keep quiet, introverted - basically a painted puppet for my family - just so they're comfortable.

No, I can't do that.  But I have to, yet I don't want to.  I don't want to live like that.  It isn't living at all, is it? 

Is it possible to ever adjust to being a girl?  Just numb yourself until it doesn't matter anymore? 

I can't stay anymore

I just wanted to say that I like the way you wrote this - very poetic. And I can relate to this very much though I'm 18 now.

I will freely say that I was a boy for a loooong time online before I even realized I was Trans. It can be done, but it's not healthy to hold it inside. Find a counselor who can help you, and as soon as you are capable of it, find a better place to be and live, you need to be in a place that is not toxic to you.

My prayers on your journey.

Quote from: LoriLorenz on March 31, 2015, 12:13:37 AM
I will freely say that I was a boy for a loooong time online before I even realized I was Trans.

Me, too.

Eventually, that helped me realize what I really wanted.

Carrot, I know it hurts.  I am sorry for your pain but also a little envious that you are only 14 and have your life ahead of you.  I can promise you being an adult will let you make a lot more choices than you have right now.  It sucks, but the best thing to do now is start preparing your exit strategy NOW.  See if there is a safe, non judgmental counselor or teacher that you talk with, it's very important to do this if you can find someone.  As everyone has mentioned, you don't need to tell them you are transgender or anything.  Also, don't get too down on your body and yourself.  At your age EVERYONE HATES THEIR BODY.  Believe me, all those popular kids, your siblings and parents when they were or are 14 they will probably be loathing their body for different reasons but basically no one feels pretty at 14!  Not only that, but everyone, adults or no, everyone says or does things they regret or are embarrassed by.  Life is a constant learning process and no one is perfect. Love yourself and try to love others, do you best to be a good person rather than pretend to be a girl. Being a good person will always be useful for you, whereas being a girl is hopefully not something you will need to pretend to be for long.

Study hard- school is incredibly important, keep your grades up and don't stop learning just because you aren't in school!

Find the rest of you- you know you are a guy and that is amazingly hard step.  GOOD FOR YOU- seriously! I needed 25+ years to figure out I was really a man inside.  But an important thing to do is figure out the other stuff you are interested in!  Do you like biology/math/reading/writing/drawing/music??  I actually love many of the same things I love when I was 14.  Drawing and listening to music with friends are some of my favorite pastimes and I still love art and making things! There are ways to learn about the stuff you love even if you cannot afford to to them or if your parents won't allow it.  If you like automotive stuff- research it online.  If you like to draw, practice as much as you can without hurting your grades in school.

Save up- save money if you get it, do you best to keep it safe.  If you have a bank account use it, if you don't have one, ask if you can get one.  You will need help with this one, but you can always say you want to save up for college.  If you can, get a savings account and do your best to keep money in it.  An emergency fund is a really great thing to have and if you can get some kind of college trust fund that no one can withdraw from until you are of a legal adult age, that would be best! I don't know if you feel you can trust your family, I don't know how they are with things you consider your property, but you can always say you don't want to be able to withdraw your college funds until you are old enough and that's a great excuse.

If you are able to handle some delicate subject material, you should research other transgender resources. If your parents track your web browsing I would not risk that for now, make sure you always delete your browsing histories if they can get into your phone/laptop/whatever you use to sign in here! When I was about your age I had just gotten access to the internet- there's a lot of bad stuff out there but there's also great people with great advice.  My favorite queer advocate Dan Savage almost always advises his younger readers to keep quiet until they are adults and use every advantage they can.  Will your parents help you pay for college or help you get started in careers?  Use that, try to keep your transgender and other "offensive" (to them) issues on the down low as best you can.  You don't have to wear pink frilly stuff, but try to keep androgynous, non offensive appearance until you can get out, bail and tell them goodbye for however long you want.  Stuff like religious persecution has made being queer so much tougher for young kids but you can make it through this. Do your best to stay true to yourself as much as you can without getting yourself hurt or in a tight spot.  Sometimes even the most prejudiced of people can become accepting, you never know, but until you are legally able to take care of yourself, endure and know there are many people who have been in your shoes and survived it.  You will totally be able to get through it too, one way or another, just be careful and know there are things you can't do a lot to fix right now, but there are tons of other things you can accomplish to make transitioning much easier when you are older.

If you need anything, feel free to PM me!

Quote from: Aazhie on April 01, 2015, 03:27:43 PM
Carrot, I know it hurts.  I am sorry for your pain but also a little envious that you are only 14 and have your life ahead of you.  I can promise you being an adult will let you make a lot more choices than you have right now.  It sucks, but the best thing to do now is start preparing your exit strategy NOW.  See if there is a safe, non judgmental counselor or teacher that you talk with, it's very important to do this if you can find someone.  As everyone has mentioned, you don't need to tell them you are transgender or anything.  Also, don't get too down on your body and yourself.  At your age EVERYONE HATES THEIR BODY.  Believe me, all those popular kids, your siblings and parents when they were or are 14 they will probably be loathing their body for different reasons but basically no one feels pretty at 14!  Not only that, but everyone, adults or no, everyone says or does things they regret or are embarrassed by.  Life is a constant learning process and no one is perfect. Love yourself and try to love others, do you best to be a good person rather than pretend to be a girl. Being a good person will always be useful for you, whereas being a girl is hopefully not something you will need to pretend to be for long.

Study hard- school is incredibly important, keep your grades up and don't stop learning just because you aren't in school!

Find the rest of you- you know you are a guy and that is amazingly hard step.  GOOD FOR YOU- seriously! I needed 25+ years to figure out I was really a man inside.  But an important thing to do is figure out the other stuff you are interested in!  Do you like biology/math/reading/writing/drawing/music??  I actually love many of the same things I love when I was 14.  Drawing and listening to music with friends are some of my favorite pastimes and I still love art and making things! There are ways to learn about the stuff you love even if you cannot afford to to them or if your parents won't allow it.  If you like automotive stuff- research it online.  If you like to draw, practice as much as you can without hurting your grades in school.

Save up- save money if you get it, do you best to keep it safe.  If you have a bank account use it, if you don't have one, ask if you can get one.  You will need help with this one, but you can always say you want to save up for college.  If you can, get a savings account and do your best to keep money in it.  An emergency fund is a really great thing to have and if you can get some kind of college trust fund that no one can withdraw from until you are of a legal adult age, that would be best! I don't know if you feel you can trust your family, I don't know how they are with things you consider your property, but you can always say you don't want to be able to withdraw your college funds until you are old enough and that's a great excuse.

If you are able to handle some delicate subject material, you should research other transgender resources. If your parents track your web browsing I would not risk that for now, make sure you always delete your browsing histories if they can get into your phone/laptop/whatever you use to sign in here! When I was about your age I had just gotten access to the internet- there's a lot of bad stuff out there but there's also great people with great advice.  My favorite queer advocate Dan Savage almost always advises his younger readers to keep quiet until they are adults and use every advantage they can.  Will your parents help you pay for college or help you get started in careers?  Use that, try to keep your transgender and other "offensive" (to them) issues on the down low as best you can.  You don't have to wear pink frilly stuff, but try to keep androgynous, non offensive appearance until you can get out, bail and tell them goodbye for however long you want.  Stuff like religious persecution has made being queer so much tougher for young kids but you can make it through this. Do your best to stay true to yourself as much as you can without getting yourself hurt or in a tight spot.  Sometimes even the most prejudiced of people can become accepting, you never know, but until you are legally able to take care of yourself, endure and know there are many people who have been in your shoes and survived it.  You will totally be able to get through it too, one way or another, just be careful and know there are things you can't do a lot to fix right now, but there are tons of other things you can accomplish to make transitioning much easier when you are older.

If you need anything, feel free to PM me!

Thanks for responding....you had a ton of advice.  I do pretty well in school.  My grades are decent, and while I'm not the most involved kid in school, I don't slack off at the bare minimum.  I will start saving - I already have a great job opportunity lined up this summer.

As far as boy dressing, well, I'm living with my dad at the moment, who's more accepting than my mom/family.  I'm not out to anyone, but he thinks it's a silly phase that I'll grow out of.  I'm OK, you know?  I posted this when I was pretty angry...I'd just gotten back from visiting my mom and man, did she have words to say. 

I'm not reliant on my parents in terms of college funding.  We're pretty broke as it is.  Family's kind of drifting apart, divorce pending, etc.  I won't have any financial stakes with family, ya know? I'll get by with independent savings, state universities, possibly scholarships, if I'm lucky. 

To be honest I'm pretty independent in my schooling and stuff.  I'm an online student...my classmates and teachers call me Matt (it's similar to my icky birthname, lol). 

Thanks.  I'll survive, trust me.  I'm a boy.  Writing that feels epic. 

Ha, maybe I'm just in a good mood because I got "sirred" the other day from a stranger. 

Bye for now, kudos to you, and don't forget to eat carrots 

Quote from: CarrotInsanity on April 01, 2015, 07:19:36 PM
Thanks.  I'll survive, trust me.  I'm a boy.  Writing that feels epic. 

You're gonna get where you need to be, it might take a little time, but you are doing so well already!  A lot of people don't realize their gender identity until much later in life.