Hi everyone.

First, I'm very grateful for these forums and the support that is out there. Thank you all. This my first time posting and I've been going through the transition with my partner for several years now.

My partner and I met as women (I identified as Bi) and dated for a couple years before he came out to me as FTM. I have been totally supportive, educated myself, and helped him through the various steps over the next couple of years...researching doctors, coming out to family, switching pronouns, injecting T, transitioning at work... we've done it all. It's been quite a ride, and I can see how much happier he is and that this is his true self. I love him so much and we have built a really good life together.

He just recently had top surgery and this was kind of the last step in his transition. He's been on T now for a few years, so not much else is changing anymore. During his recovery from surgery, there was a shift in me. I don't even know if I understand it myself. Something internal began to fester, subconsciously. As happy as I am for him, I realized how much I have been suppressing my own feelings of attraction and desire. His new body looks great, he feels great, and I now feel guilty as hell because I'm not attracted to it. And it's not like it's that different from before because with wearing binders and being dysphoric, several areas of his body were off limits to begin with. I've always known those feelings were there, but thought that because I'm bi, it will go away when the anatomy does...turns out it is like the exact opposite.

I've found a lot of posts and support for partners at the beginning stages of transitioning, which was wonderful. But I'm wondering if there is anyone out there going through what I'm going through? I brought this up to him and it quickly escalated into tears and extreme fear...his worst nightmare coming true, that I will always wish I was with a woman or cis male. I tried to calm things down but it felt like I was lying and now I'm just so confused. I'm terrified of losing the life we have built together. But I'm also terrified of losing myself. Please help?

Sympathies for both you  and your partner. That's tough.  I've got no advice, except therapy.  I've become a big fan of it recently as therapy has really helped me sort through some big issues, not just being trans*.

Good luck to you.  Hopefully, someone on this list will have more advice to share.

Can only add a bit from a trans* point of view...

This whole journey is not easy because its also fears and resentments projected.

I'd suggest to think about it, and talk it through...

he has male and female traits... and during transition, its sometimes that people value the desired parts and try to suppress the other ones.
Best would be a position where all parts are ok and can be... identifying as man, yet being girly on some days... retaining a preference for certain hobbies etc... its all ok... it makes even for a more varied personality....

Concerning you, his bodily transition might wake some aspects in you that you like on yourself... your femininity, your body...
you can still keep that all and value all of it, while letting him have the body he desires... and paired with his character, his body might become really likeable to you... just know that it has no influence on you, your femininity...


and, well, you really might think about talking it through with a therapist...

Hi there,

I get where you are completely... My partner recently told me she is trans and it has been a rollercoaster ever since.. I am scared to death I will lose my attracties to her, since I have never showed any attention to men.. That just never worked for me... As you can see, I can't even use different pronouns yet, even though I try not to use them at all when see around... If you want to read the whole story, I have posted a topic yesterday...

I  would say, try that therapist, but don't try to hide what you feel.. It does not help you or your partner, I can know.. Be honest and even though it hurts, try to keep talking..

I wish you the best of luck to work this out, and I know the change you are going through is a lot for one person to take on..