Before I accepted myself, before I said who I was out loud (even if just for me to hear), I was in a dark place. I'm sure someone can relate. This darkness stemmed from hatred for the body that was mine. I couldn't give it away, I couldn't trade it- I was stuck with it. A shell. I felt like I was a shell. Disgusting, unable to love, unable to be loved, too terrible to be nothing.

I'm just going to say this, it's sooooooo different now.

Firstly, I realize that I deleted my pictures, and on top of that nearly all of my posts, and I'm sorry about that. I had some difficulty just... coping with things at one point, and I thought it'd be best to not leave my personal confessions online, you know? I didn't feel like transgender had been in the limelight, and I was afraid that if someone had seen a picture of me, then they wouldn't keep it to themselves, and I'd be outed because they didn't understand how deep-rooted transgender people are in the world.

No, I haven't started hormones, I don't feel like it's the right time or place for me yet. I want to, so I'm going to- I just can't feel like I'm rushing. Aside from that, there's a huuuuugeee upside.

I learned that exploring myself has been extremely fun, because it's been enlightening. I've been reading the stories you all have shared about your own lives, and really every word has inspired me to keep living out mine. I really do feel confident in myself, and that's a bit of a change from previous. I feel like I can do things again, like I can accomplish something that I wouldn't dare before.

A huge weight has been lifted, and I really feel like you are all to thank. Even if someone is sad and having a bad day, there is something consistent to turn to. Consistent people, friends, just the kind of persons that are good to be around.

Something that has honestly excited me is the emotional roller coaster that HRT can be. It's a little weird, maybe, but to have access to all of those emotions, all at the tip of your finger almost- even without control... it's just amazing. I really want to experience that. I don't care if I'll cry for no reason, I don't think it'll ever get old for me.

My goal is to start HRT in college- well, honestly, before college... I'm trying to map it out. Either way though, I will start it! I'll cry on command! Yes! Motivators! Woo!

Okay, okay, okay, I think I'm done for now. Sorry for the randomness that is this post, but that's kind of me in a giant gaping nutshell. :-3

Orchid, firstly don't be sorry about what you have done that was right at that time, very understandable, many of us have been there on more than one occasion. The fact is that you are again exploring your emotions and inner desires, i took me well over 40 years to get to here... With many spells of doubt, denial and hating myself, for what had been dealt to me.

It takes time to assymilate all those feelings, the effect on all those close others around you... Its not an easy path for many of us.

I think, and its playing an old song, decide sooner rather than later, as it will haunt you throughout your life, either way, whilst I coukdn't when very young, I did have many opportunities later in life which I did not take, now here I am, commited and regretting the lost years. But thats me!

Pleased that you are now inspired though, its a good place.

Wish you well, are you seeing a therapist yet, may be of benefit...

L Katy 

Orchid, you have nothing to apologize for. We understand more than you know. Around 9 years ago I started doing things that I need to do to move forward and transition without the road map that we have now to do so. At one point I got frustrated and backed off pulled everything back in that would be any trace of what happened. It took me around 7 years to realize that I couldn't deny what I was knew and that I had to move forward with my transition. Big hugs and it's nice to have you back here at Susan's. Good luck and hugs
Mariah

Thank you both for the warm replies. (:

Quote from: katrinaw on May 01, 2015, 10:18:25 PM
Orchid, firstly don't be sorry about what you have done that was right at that time, very understandable, many of us have been there on more than one occasion. The fact is that you are again exploring your emotions and inner desires, i took me well over 40 years to get to here... With many spells of doubt, denial and hating myself, for what had been dealt to me.

It takes time to assymilate all those feelings, the effect on all those close others around you... Its not an easy path for many of us.

I think, and its playing an old song, decide sooner rather than later, as it will haunt you throughout your life, either way, whilst I coukdn't when very young, I did have many opportunities later in life which I did not take, now here I am, commited and regretting the lost years. But thats me!

Pleased that you are now inspired though, its a good place.

Wish you well, are you seeing a therapist yet, may be of benefit...

L Katy 

Thanks L Katy, and, I've seen a therapist regarding my transitioning. It's nice to be able to find someone good and well informed- at that time I lived in Indiana, and after some research that I conducted, I found someone pretty brilliant.

Where I currently live, it's a bit difficult to find anyone warm to the idea- I haven't really sought anyone out since I moved back to my home state, but when I thought it might be nice to talk through the way I'm feeling with someone, a lot of the therapists in my area seemed a bit uninformed. When there's a will there's a way, though. Before I head off to college, I'm going to seek a therapist out. Until then, I guess I'll write my thoughts down.

Quote from: Mariah2014 on May 01, 2015, 10:30:06 PM
Orchid, you have nothing to apologize for. We understand more than you know. Around 9 years ago I started doing things that I need to do to move forward and transition without the road map that we have now to do so. At one point I got frustrated and backed off pulled everything back in that would be any trace of what happened. It took me around 7 years to realize that I couldn't deny what I was knew and that I had to move forward with my transition. Big hugs and it's nice to have you back here at Susan's. Good luck and hugs
Mariah

Mariah, I really appreciate your insight- I feel the exact same way.

There's no hiding, because if I were to hide from me, I'm not really being myself, rather a facade or a caricature of what everyone else wants me to be. I suppose, if someone does find me here, it might actually do me some good. It's like someone saying that I can finally breathe, the worst isn't really so bad.