Hi there.

I'm so sorry if this is the incorrect place to post something like this. I'm just in genuine dire need of some help.

I don't know any trans people and am quite isolated. I am struggling immensely and really need to talk with someone, or have some advice. I'm incredibly depressed and on the edge.

QuoteHi,

This is going to be a long post, so I apologize in advance.

I'm having a really tough time. I physically cannot tell if I'm trans or not. My therapy was supposed to start yesterday, but the lady cancelled and now I have to wait another week or so. Every day I feel tormented inside my own head with this issue, and I can't escape.It is ruining my life, as all of my goals and joys have just collapsed and I'm totally consumed with this. I'm 23 years old, and biologically female.

In early life, I was a tomboy, but never really thought about gender. In school games, I wanted to play the part of a boy because it felt good to have the male pronouns being used towards me, and I had a peculiar urge to be seen as male.

My mum dressed me in dresses, and I had an aversion to them, but it wasn't incredibly strong. I would wear them, but I preferred more masculine clothes. I also remember one instance where I was outside with my friend and I said "If boys can take their tops off and walk around outside, why can't we?" and she responded with something like "We just can't" and I felt outraged by this notion and took my top off. She was shocked (I was ten and chubby, and I probably had small breasts developing). I felt bad because of the negative reactions from people in the yard, so I put my shirt back on. I remember no other issues aside from these until 12 years old.

When I was 13, I was bullied a lot for walking and dressing like a boy. I identified as lesbian (now I realize I'm bisexual) and had little 'girlfriends' (although we never kissed or anything, I was young). I enjoyed acting like 'the boy'.

From the age of 12, I had been crossdressing and fantasizing heavily (I now realize that this was maladaptive daydreaming, which is where you fantasize for hours on end to the detriment of real life). I created a new life for myself in my head, in which I was a man. I had made up friends, family and a partner, who was a man. My name was 'James', and I thought about this all the time, especially at night time when I was by myself.

I also created an MSN account (back in the day!) for James, and had an entire network of online friends who fully believed I was a boy. I religiously maintained this and created elaborate story-lines for myself.

However, I never linked any of this at all with being uncomfortable with my gender. I just did not think about why I was fantasizing and I never once thought 'I feel like a boy'. I was not disgusted by my body and don't even remember thinking about my gender. My fantasies were every single night, and I wore boys' clothes in secret to bed. I also tried to bring this a little into real life, but this was met with bad reactions. I remember one day when my mum and I were shopping I asked to get some boxer shorts and she absolutely wouldn't allow it. I bought them later in secret. I was also teased by other children. The girls at school called me dyke and other such names and ran away from me because they were scared that I'd sexually assault them (even though at this point I'd never had any real sexual experiences and never gave any indication that I'd do this. Kids are harsh). There were also nasty rumors going around school that I was having sex with a younger girl in the school and this hurt my feelings because I actually had just made friends with her one day because she was looking down and I'd tried to help her. I was not a sexual kid. There were other kids in school who were highly sexualized, but I wasn't one of them. I was quite innocent.

I had a nice group of friends though, I wasn't lonely. I was quite tough, and used to laugh at the people who made fun of me. It never got to me on a massive level. One day when my friends and I were in town, I was with my girlfriend who was part of the friendship group. A boy came up to me and took a picture of me (presumably to show his friends the 'freak' he'd heard of, I'm still not certain why). I didn't ask why, he just came up to me and said "Are you *name*?" and I said yes, and he said "Are you a girl or a boy?" (I looked androgynous) and I told him I was a girl. His friends laughed at me and walked away, and my girlfriend said he probably took the picture because he wanted a picture of a pretty girl, which I thought was nice of her but I knew it wasn't true.

I also got teased at school for my peculiar amount of body hair, which I never saw as a problem until then. One time in gym class a girl who was actually my friend looked at my stomach and was shocked and disgusted. This was the first time I felt shame about this, and from then on I covered myself up a lot.

One day when I was about 15, I'm not sure why, I just decided to become very girly. I felt bad about the teasing and I was jealous that my friends had boyfriends and I didn't. I felt ugly and bad about myself based on this. I wanted to be normal and have people like me, so I totally changed. I started growing long hair, wearing feminine clothes and walked more femininely and this got much better reactions. I got a boyfriend and felt normal and happy. Even teachers at school made comments like "I'm so glad you've come out of that awful phase, you're such a pretty little girl". I was pretty, and I tried to be. I had no particular aversion to wearing girls' clothes and makeup. My interests have always been fairly gender neutral. I was a skier and I liked cartoons, music, going to gigs with my friends and that sort of thing.

For the next 3 or 4 years, I was content to be seen as this attractive young female, with long flowing hair, a kindly disposition and a feminine dress-sense. I had a few boyfriends, but nothing serious. I was sexually active, which I regret. I had no body dysphoria at all, and was able to have people look at my naked body, and I was also able to do this without bad feelings. I had a 'normal' teen life. All of my problems were normal and what you would expect. However, I still crossdressed almost every single night and fantasized for hours in bed when I was by myself about being a man. How is it that I can live a perfectly happy life as a young woman, actively enjoying my long hair and interest in makeup and clothes, yet at night fantasize about being a big muscley guy? I had an entire story for him. He was called James and he was an ice hockey player (I was really into ice hockey as a teen), he was Canadian and he was very masculine. He had much the same traits as me, he was kind and compassionate, had goals and dreams and had a boyfriend called Adam and a sister called Clarice. The story was like a never-ending movie plot, getting thicker with differing events and goings-on. Why on earth would a girl do this? I was obsessed with this, and felt very stressed when I wasn't able to fantasize or crossdress.

The fact remains though, that I never felt any body dysphoria and actively enjoyed my life as a woman.

When I was 19, it all blew up in my face. I had a boyfriend, but continued as I had done every day to fantasize about being male. The urge got stronger and stronger and eventually I came out as trans, and suddenly went from a very feminine woman to a butch looking woman with short hair and male clothes. My mum was shocked and did not really accept this from me. I got a girlfriend, so that I could feel masculine in the relationship. I experienced body dysphoria for the first time and cried every day. I bought a binder and acted just as a trans man would. It was hard and I rarely went out in public because people would shun me or be abusive when I did.

After only 4 months, I had a complete breakdown and 'went back to being a girl', because I couldn't face going back to university and seeing all the same people again who knew me as a girl. So I ditched it all and became that pretty girl with long hair once more.

I got a boyfriend again. I was all over the place mentally. Interestingly, I fell in love with this man and I'm still with him today. I presented femininely the entire 2.5 years and he was none-the-wiser about my feelings. I went back to enjoying my life as a female. Recently, in our 3rd year of the relationship, I confided in him about my feelings. At first he was shocked, but very quickly he accepted it and is not bothered by my new physical appearance, which is now that of a pre-t transman again.

I hate looking this way because of the social implications. I feel ugly and wrong. When I was presenting as female, I felt attractive. However, on the inside this feels much better. It's just hard to live this way, because people discriminate against me in public. I pass well as a young boy, people will often call me lad, or 'mate' (I live in the UK). But as soon as I open my mouth it's a different story, and people are disgusted suddenly. I went to the opticians a few days ago and the lady made it her business to bother me about my gender. I was looking at the men's glasses, and on two separate occasions while I was looking she came over and said "No, over here are the women's glasses". It doesn't feel great to be an outcast.

I also have this strange issue where I feel absolutely no sexual attraction to anyone or anything unless I am fantasizing about being male. This has mostly been the case throughout my life. I remember having boyfriends and at first I would feel sexually aroused by them, but after a short time I felt literally nothing. Not even during actual sex. I could physically be having sex with a man and I had no physical feelings of arousal, it was like the equivalent arousal of getting a high-five from someone xD

In puberty it was a bit different, I did feel sexual attraction without having to pretend to be male, but that has gone now. So much so that I began to research asexuality and thought that I may be asexual. When I was with my girlfriend, this changed as I was then fantasizing about being male. I felt what I assume to be the normal level of sexual attraction for a biological female.

Now however, I feel nothing again, unless I fantasize about being male. Having sex as a female doesn't disgust me, but I feel completely uninterested. When my boyfriend used to refer to me as female, commenting on my 'sexy' body, I felt very odd. I could see that my body was physically attractive, but I couldn't relate to the fact that I was supposed to feel good about it.

Also, here are the most confusing parts: If someone told me there was no possibility of transition, ever, I would feel sad, but also relieved. The responsibility would be taken away and I'd be forced to live as female. I'd go back to living very femininely, and I would just pursue my goals of moving to Canada and progressing in my career. I would be depressed, but only so depressed. I would feel a weight lifted from my shoulders. In the same way, if someone forced me at gun point into transition, I would probably feel much the same way. It's the deciding and the torment of not knowing that is really killing me.

I also feel like I could be happy as a female, as I was previously. That doesn't sound like a transman. Why am I having all of these feelings?

Anyway, I'm really sorry about how long this post is.

I need serious help. I have no idea what is up with me. I am able to currently look down at my body and feel nothing in particular. It doesn't feel good, but it doesn't feel bad either. It just looks like a beautiful women's body. I don't identify with it, but it's not offensive to me in the same way I hear transguys talking about body dysphoria. I remember when I was 19 I would cry about my body, but for some reason those feelings aren't here anymore. I look at old pictures of myself where I look like a beautiful female and I don't feel any strong feelings one way or the other. I just feel like it looks like an attractive person. I miss being accepted by society and feeling able to leave the house. I now feel reluctant to go outside, because it's a struggle.

I looked at the possibility of being bigender or gender queer, or gender neutral and all of these other non-binary terms, but all of them feel very wrong. I would be miserable if I had to live my life looking androgynous or as a pre-t male, or a butch woman. I really do not identify with this at all, and feel like it would almost be the worst of both worlds (for me). I would feel ugly and unaccepted, but also even when not taking into account the perceptions of others, androgyny doesn't feel good on my body. The idea of being bigender also feels wrong, as I don't wake up one day feeling male and another feeling female. I just am in a constant state of confusion.

Is there anyone who can help me, or give me their insight or opinion based on the facts I've presented?
I am in desperate need of help, as I feel incredibly depressed and suicidal. I just literally do not know what gender I am, and that is a horrible feeling. I do not know whether I'm male or female, and it's all I think about, it's completely consumed me. I wake up miserable and tormented and I'm trying my best to just get through the days.

If anybody has read this far, thank you so much. Feel free to also use a text box to reply if necessary. Also, if anyone is kind enough to email me, my email address is: anonjoecase@outlook.com

I am genuinely very depressed and desperate. This isn't a story, this is my reality and everything you have read is in description of a real human life. I am at the edge, completely tormented and torn up inside.

Thanks, hope you're well.

It's basically an outline of my reality, and I'm asking for help :/ I am a very atypical case and have absolutely know idea how how to improve my situation.

If anyone is reading this, thank you very much.

Well, It seems like you could really use a professional therapist to sort these issue out with. Have you tried contacting a local hospital for directions for seeing someone or a LGBT community center and asking them about possible counseling .

Thanks for responding.

Yes, I was supposed to start gender therapy yesterday, but the therapist cancelled due to a family emergency. I have to now wait another week or more, which I'm just struggling to do.

I feel very very bleak. I also feel like a burden and an embarrassment to the people around me :/

well, Your not a burden. One thing you can do if you get to a very bad point of depression is go to the emergency room of a hospital and ask to talk to a psychiatrist. I've done that before about two years ago when I lost my job and wasn't at all well. they got me connected to a counselor and other therapy that saved my life. I'm now a very happy little camper doing HRT on o my way to a much happier place. there are also help lines you can call when things get bad. the phone #'s are on the top of the page of the different forums on Susan's.

There's a lot of atypical cases here. I think I'm kind of one myself in some ways. I've been isolated and still am in many ways, and seriously depressed. Its very scary and why I joined this site. I found just deciding to do something about it all helped a lot, and what I've done since did the rest. I'm in a pretty good place these days, and its only been a year since the bad days.

I didn't look at your link as I don't like clicking random links like that due to the risk of hacking. Perhaps you could copy whatever it is into a post.

I'm glad you feel a lot better

It is very long, which is why I didn't type it out in here :/ You don't have to read it all, I know it can be boring to read reams and reams. I appreciate you taking an interest, because I feel very isolated and depressed.

"Hi,

This is going to be a long post, so I apologize in advance.

I'm having a really tough time. I physically cannot tell if I'm trans or not. My therapy was supposed to start yesterday, but the lady cancelled and now I have to wait another week or so. Every day I feel tormented inside my own head with this issue, and I can't escape.It is ruining my life, as all of my goals and joys have just collapsed and I'm totally consumed with this. I'm 23 years old, and biologically female.

In early life, I was a tomboy, but never really thought about gender. In school games, I wanted to play the part of a boy because it felt good to have the male pronouns being used towards me, and I had a peculiar urge to be seen as male.

My mum dressed me in dresses, and I had an aversion to them, but it wasn't incredibly strong. I would wear them, but I preferred more masculine clothes. I also remember one instance where I was outside with my friend and I said "If boys can take their tops off and walk around outside, why can't we?" and she responded with something like "We just can't" and I felt outraged by this notion and took my top off. She was shocked (I was ten and chubby, and I probably had small breasts developing). I felt bad because of the negative reactions from people in the yard, so I put my shirt back on. I remember no other issues aside from these until 12 years old.

When I was 13, I was bullied a lot for walking and dressing like a boy. I identified as lesbian (now I realize I'm bisexual) and had little 'girlfriends' (although we never kissed or anything, I was young). I enjoyed acting like 'the boy'. From the age of 12, I had been crossdressing and fantasizing heavily (I now realize that this was maladaptive daydreaming, which is where you fantasize for hours on end to the detriment of real life). I created a new life for myself in my head, in which I was a man. I had made up friends, family and a partner, who was a man. My name was 'James', and I thought about this all the time, especially at night time when I was by myself.

I also created an MSN account (back in the day!) for James, and had an entire network of online friends who fully believed I was a boy. I religiously maintained this and created elaborate story-lines for myself.

However, I never linked any of this at all with being uncomfortable with my gender. I just did not think about why I was fantasizing and I never once thought 'I feel like a boy'. I was not disgusted by my body and don't even remember thinking about my gender. My fantasies were every single night, and I wore boys' clothes in secret to bed. I also tried to bring this a little into real life, but this was met with bad reactions. I remember one day when my mum and I were shopping I asked to get some boxer shorts and she absolutely wouldn't allow it. I bought them later in secret. I was also teased by other children. The girls at school called me dyke and other such names and ran away from me because they were scared that I'd sexually assault them (even though at this point I'd never had any real sexual experiences and never gave any indication that I'd do this. Kids are harsh). There were also nasty rumors going around school that I was having sex with a younger girl in the school and this hurt my feelings because I actually had just made friends with her one day because she was looking down and I'd tried to help her. I was not a sexual kid. There were other kids in school who were highly sexualized, but I wasn't one of them. I was quite innocent.

I had a nice group of friends though, I wasn't lonely. I was quite tough, and used to laugh at the people who made fun of me. It never got to me on a massive level. One day when my friends and I were in town, I was with my girlfriend who was part of the friendship group. A boy came up to me and took a picture of me (presumably to show his friends the 'freak' he'd heard of, I'm still not certain why). I didn't ask why, he just came up to me and said "Are you *name*?" and I said yes, and he said "Are you a girl or a boy?" (I looked androgynous) and I told him I was a girl. His friends laughed at me and walked away, and my girlfriend said he probably took the picture because he wanted a picture of a pretty girl, which I thought was nice of her but I knew it wasn't true.

I also got teased at school for my peculiar amount of body hair, which I never saw as a problem until then. One time in gym class a girl who was actually my friend looked at my stomach and was shocked and disgusted. This was the first time I felt shame about this, and from then on I covered myself up a lot.

One day when I was about 15, I'm not sure why, I just decided to become very girly. I felt bad about the teasing and I was jealous that my friends had boyfriends and I didn't. I felt ugly and bad about myself based on this. I wanted to be normal and have people like me, so I totally changed. I started growing long hair, wearing feminine clothes and walked more femininely and this got much better reactions. I got a boyfriend and felt normal and happy. Even teachers at school made comments like "I'm so glad you've come out of that awful phase, you're such a pretty little girl". I was pretty, and I tried to be. I had no particular aversion to wearing girls' clothes and makeup. My interests have always been fairly gender neutral. I was a skier and I liked cartoons, music, going to gigs with my friends and that sort of thing.

For the next 3 or 4 years, I was content to be seen as this attractive young female, with long flowing hair, a kindly disposition and a feminine dress-sense. I had a few boyfriends, but nothing serious. I was sexually active, which I regret. I had no body dysphoria at all, and was able to have people look at my naked body, and I was also able to do this without bad feelings. I had a 'normal' teen life. All of my problems were normal and what you would expect. However, I still crossdressed almost every single night and fantasized for hours in bed when I was by myself about being a man. How is it that I can live a perfectly happy life as a young woman, actively enjoying my long hair and interest in makeup and clothes, yet at night fantasize about being a big muscley guy? I had an entire story for him. He was called James and he was an ice hockey player (I was really into ice hockey as a teen), he was Canadian and he was very masculine. He had much the same traits as me, he was kind and compassionate, had goals and dreams and had a boyfriend called Adam and a sister called Clarice. The story was like a never-ending movie plot, getting thicker with differing events and goings-on. Why on earth would a girl do this? I was obsessed with this, and felt very stressed when I wasn't able to fantasize or crossdress.

The fact remains though, that I never felt any body dysphoria and actively enjoyed my life as a woman.

When I was 19, it all blew up in my face. I had a boyfriend, but continued as I had done every day to fantasize about being male. The urge got stronger and stronger and eventually I came out as trans, and suddenly went from a very feminine woman to a butch looking woman with short hair and male clothes. My mum was shocked and did not really accept this from me. I got a girlfriend, so that I could feel masculine in the relationship. I experienced body dysphoria for the first time and cried every day. I bought a binder and acted just as a trans man would. It was hard and I rarely went out in public because people would shun me or be abusive when I did.

After only 4 months, I had a complete breakdown and 'went back to being a girl', because I couldn't face going back to university and seeing all the same people again who knew me as a girl. So I ditched it all and became that pretty girl with long hair once more.

I got a boyfriend again. I was all over the place mentally. Interestingly, I fell in love with this man and I'm still with him today. I presented femininely the entire 2.5 years and he was none-the-wiser about my feelings. I went back to enjoying my life as a female. Recently, in our 3rd year of the relationship, I confided in him about my feelings. At first he was shocked, but very quickly he accepted it and is not bothered by my new physical appearance, which is now that of a pre-t transman again.

I hate looking this way because of the social implications. I feel ugly and wrong. When I was presenting as female, I felt attractive. However, on the inside this feels much better. It's just hard to live this way, because people discriminate against me in public. I pass well as a young boy, people will often call me lad, or 'mate' (I live in the UK). But as soon as I open my mouth it's a different story, and people are disgusted suddenly. I went to the opticians a few days ago and the lady made it her business to bother me about my gender. I was looking at the men's glasses, and on two separate occasions while I was looking she came over and said "No, over here are the women's glasses". It doesn't feel great to be an outcast.

I also have this strange issue where I feel absolutely no sexual attraction to anyone or anything unless I am fantasizing about being male. This has mostly been the case throughout my life. I remember having boyfriends and at first I would feel sexually aroused by them, but after a short time I felt literally nothing. Not even during actual sex. I could physically be having sex with a man and I had no physical feelings of arousal, it was like the equivalent arousal of getting a high-five from someone xD

In puberty it was a bit different, I did feel sexual attraction without having to pretend to be male, but that has gone now. So much so that I began to research asexuality and thought that I may be asexual. When I was with my girlfriend, this changed as I was then fantasizing about being male. I felt what I assume to be the normal level of sexual attraction for a biological female.

Now however, I feel nothing again, unless I fantasize about being male. Having sex as a female doesn't disgust me, but I feel completely uninterested. When my boyfriend used to refer to me as female, commenting on my 'sexy' body, I felt very odd. I could see that my body was physically attractive, but I couldn't relate to the fact that I was supposed to feel good about it.

Also, here are the most confusing parts: If someone told me there was no possibility of transition, ever, I would feel sad, but also relieved. The responsibility would be taken away and I'd be forced to live as female. I'd go back to living very femininely, and I would just pursue my goals of moving to Canada and progressing in my career. I would be depressed, but only so depressed. I would feel a weight lifted from my shoulders. In the same way, if someone forced me at gun point into transition, I would probably feel much the same way. It's the deciding and the torment of not knowing that is really killing me.

I also feel like I could be happy as a female, as I was previously. That doesn't sound like a transman. Why am I having all of these feelings?

Anyway, I'm really sorry about how long this post is.

I need serious help. I have no idea what is up with me. I am able to currently look down at my body and feel nothing in particular. It doesn't feel good, but it doesn't feel bad either. It just looks like a beautiful women's body. I don't identify with it, but it's not offensive to me in the same way I hear transguys talking about body dysphoria. I remember when I was 19 I would cry about my body, but for some reason those feelings aren't here anymore. I look at old pictures of myself where I look like a beautiful female and I don't feel any strong feelings one way or the other. I just feel like it looks like an attractive person. I miss being accepted by society and feeling able to leave the house. I now feel reluctant to go outside, because it's a struggle.

I looked at the possibility of being bigender or gender queer, or gender neutral and all of these other non-binary terms, but all of them feel very wrong. I would be miserable if I had to live my life looking androgynous or as a pre-t male, or a butch woman. I really do not identify with this at all, and feel like it would almost be the worst of both worlds (for me). I would feel ugly and unaccepted, but also even when not taking into account the perceptions of others, androgyny doesn't feel good on my body. The idea of being bigender also feels wrong, as I don't wake up one day feeling male and another feeling female. I just am in a constant state of confusion.

Is there anyone who can help me, or give me their insight or opinion based on the facts I've presented?
I am in desperate need of help, as I feel incredibly depressed and suicidal. I just literally do not know what gender I am, and that is a horrible feeling. I do not know whether I'm male or female, and it's all I think about, it's completely consumed me. I wake up miserable and tormented and I'm trying my best to just get through the days.

If anybody has read this far, thank you so much.

I am genuinely very depressed and desperate. This isn't a story, this is my reality and everything you have read is in description of a real human life. I am at the edge, completely tormented and torn up inside.

Thanks"

well, don't worry there are plenty of people here who have dealt with similar issues

*hugs*

May we call you James? You're totally safe here, among friends and understanding people.

The hardest part that jumps out to me is the isolation you mentioned...do you have any local LGBTQ support groups? PFLAG is the first group I started with, and the first time *gulps* that I used my name (Beth) in public.

Very scary, to be sure...but hearing other people saying "Hi Beth!" (or, "Hi James!") is incredibly affirming, and helps immensely.

Stay away from sharp objects, pills, alcohol, etc. Instead, find a pen/pencil and some paper, or your journal, and paint/draw/write your hurts and hopes...be as graphic as you want, paper is the best place to put down hurt.

Remember, there are people who care about you, and hope the best for you.

*hugs*

If you are really depressed please call or chat here :
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,112545.0.html

or, as suggested, go to a hospital.

Now from your post:

I feel nothing again, unless I fantasize about being male.

I could see that my body was physically attractive, but I couldn't relate to the fact that I was supposed to feel good about it.

Questions to ask could be:

Would you like a bit more male body to be a bit more happy?
And you don't have to identify as male all of the time.

How would you like to be perceived ?

Just giving my opinion...

it seems you would prefer a more male body.

You simply had some bad experiences which do not have to repeat themselves.

You might look for assistance and realize this is a step by step process.

You might look for a gender therapist, which you do already. They should help you along the way. Baseline should be they should help. If not, look for another.

Then there are support groups. And, as you said, your friend is also supportive.
You might step by step build up a support system, etc.

Just do it step by step and realize there are many others who have succeeded.

Transgender people are often sensitive. Alone knowing might help you, so you could look more for what you feel inside and give less weight to what you feel from others. Not meaning numbing, but not giving so much weight.

Well imo there are basically two positions in your head: memories from rejection etc,
and your feeling of what you are.

You are not alone. This happens to many people. *hugs*

If you calm down and try to relax there is some kind of inner feeling... and I'd also go with a feeling of joy.

Just see this is a process, give it time... and disregard the what ifs, take it step by step.

many *hugs* and a *kiss* ( on the cheek )

Thank you all for replying to my post. I was scared of posting my entire life onto the internet, even if it is anonymous. I'm scared someone I know will somehow identify that it was me.

You are the first people aside from my boyfriend to have heard my story. I'm not part of a trans community and I know relatively little about actual trans things. All I know is that I feel something. So all of your responses mean a lot to me.

I appreciate each one of you trying to help, I really do.

Beth, seeing someone use a male name in reference to me made me tear up.

I don't really know what to do from here, but I will try and look into groups, like Stephanie and Beth said. I just feel out of place and lost. Everyone in my sphere is cis-gendered and I just feel quite alone.

I feel like I just want someone to tell me I'm trans, so I can trust my own head :/ But even then, I'd feel like maybe the person was misinterpreting my information. I feel like no matter how certain I, or anyone else would ever be that I'm trans, I'd always have a doubt in my head and the idea of taking hormones makes me feel good, but also scared because what if I 'regret' it and find out that I'm not really a man at all? I just have a hard time knowing whether or not this is a real thing, or some kind of fantasy, or what :/

The things that make me doubt myself are that I feel no body dysphoria and I have lived happily as a female. Usually trans guys will live as more masculine. But then I think to myself, if I'm a woman, what on earth is the cause of all of these torments that have plagued me for ten years? It just doesn't seem to make sense, the information is conflicting.

Anyway, thank you so much. If anyone wants to speak further, my email address is anonjoecase@outlook.com
If not, no worries.

I hope you all are having a good day Thank you.

Quote from: anonjoecase on May 22, 2015, 12:46:29 PM
The things that make me doubt myself are that I feel no body dysphoria and I have lived happily as a female. Usually trans guys will live as more masculine.

Usually Cis people do not question their gender, apart from a little curiousity.

And often trans people go through a phase where they are even overly manly/feminine until they find out its not them.

So there are many who have experienced this.


*hugs*

Thanks Laura, that's really helpful to me

Is it really possible to be trans without body dysphoria?

*hugs!

New members are not allowed to post links, so I have edited your original post to include the text from the paste site as a quote.

Quote from: anonjoecase on May 22, 2015, 01:20:20 PM
Thanks Laura, that's really helpful to me

Is it really possible to be trans without body dysphoria?

*hugs!

People are individuals, with individual levels of dysphoria.
You do not necessarily have to have a high level of body dysphoria.


*hugs*

QuoteThe things that make me doubt myself are that I feel no body dysphoria and I have lived happily as a female. Usually trans guys will live as more masculine. But then I think to myself, if I'm a woman, what on earth is the cause of all of these torments that have plagued me for ten years? It just doesn't seem to make sense, the information is conflicting.

James, being trans is often more than "either-or"...some feel more girlie one day, more guyish on other days.

The fact you're having this conflict (aptly described by you as "torment") tells me you are trans; now its just a matter of finding out to what degree.

Everything on the transgender/transexual path is optional. HRT, surgery, who to love...Its your choice. And, you show wisdom in having caution about permanent changes.

There's a lot for you to consider and weigh different things...and that's why gender therapy is very important.

Please do not get any counselor from a religious background. Get one who specializes in transgender issues.

And remember to stay centered and as calm as you can be...enjoy your journey!

Hi there.  Wow - your story sounds almost exactly like mine.  Right down to the maladaptive daydreaming (which I still do).   I also feel very isolated and am considering seeing a therapist. I hope you are feeling a bit better today.   Seriously, I could have written your story myself!