Quote from: melbunny on May 28, 2015, 05:44:04 AM
I dont mean to be rude but this is how it goes, you start one medication then you worry about your testosterone so you increase it two, three, four times. Then you worry about your estrogen levels so you increase it as well.

You notice you still have libido so you start taking 2 different anti androgens, but the libido doesn't go away and you start denying your body more and more... So you start self mutilating.

You end up in the hospital, tells yourself it's gonna be okay, you won't do it again and a few months later you are hurting yourself once again and taking huge amounts of medication.

Nothing changes though, nothing ever does, the worries just increase, the fears, the insecurities, the questions.

That's how it is to me.

Umm, I don't know how to say this, but this is so wrong.. No, you don't change your doses without consulting a doctor and, from the way you talk, I doubt you did. Which possibly explains some of the mental health issues you appear to be having. And guess what? All the anti-androgens and estrogen in the world won't necessarily kill your libido. I'm a healthy, normal woman, with the libido to match. And no, it's not because my T level is too high, it's on the low end for a woman. I've never felt the need or had the desire to self-mutilate.

Insecurities? I've got a mountain of them, but I get up every day and get on with my life - I spent far too much of my life being a miserable, depressed drug addict to do anything else. I'm going to reiterate the point of my previous post, despite what you say, I don't really think you have accepted who and what you are. You are stuck in a rut that you can't escape, not without proper professional help. I've had crappy results from hormones, I'm pretty much flat chested, have no hips or ass and still have a fairly masculine face, but you know what? I'm a woman and I live my life as a woman. I'm accepted by people as a woman - including 2 partners. I'm homeless and unemployed, so my life isn't exactly a bed of roses.. And yet here I am, happily living my life.

Nothing will change until you make it change - and it appears you don't really want it to.

You need some serious professional help from a reputable psychiatrist.

Quote from: melbunny on May 28, 2015, 05:44:04 AMI actually chopped my gonads off... they didn't send me to a mad house though, apparently transgender people doing that kind of stuff is just another day at the office.

And that's not right either, trans women don't regularly go around castrating themselves.

Get some proper help, as nothing anyone here can say to you is really going to help.

totally agree with Kelly

QuoteFor example In over 30 years of living as a post-op woman I have never worried about bathrooms, never had a lover dump me, in fact I had two partnerships post-op, one of which lasted for twenty five years and only ended when I was widowed.

Well, people do dump transwomen, like a lot... constantly. If you have never faced it then great I guess, for you only though.

QuoteAs for the doubts, I suppose my answer is that as I can't know what it is to be any other human being other than myself, worrying about whether I am a genuine woman or not, is not something I see as productive. I prefer to ask am I genuinely "myself"? And the answer to that is of course yes. I leave the gendering of me to others, and I am happy to report than in the 30 years the result is pretty unanimous in favour of my being female. So I guess I genuinely don't have any doubts - ever!

I doubt anyone thinks that is productive, people don't choose to feel things they just feel it. Being passable, beautiful, live it for a long time doesn't change anything though... having insecurities is something that affects most of us.

QuoteI hear your concern, confusion even, and I understand now how that must feel unsettling. Thankfully it is not something I have ever had to deal with, perhaps the advantage of having initially transitioned whilst I was still a child. For those of you who have to do this later in life, I understand that it must feel somewhat insecure at times. Again I can't really suggest anything but a lot of meditation and therapy.

Great? I don't know, but for you only again... I am against transitioning "children", i don't think that is moral. But even if i had transitioned as a child it wouldn't change anything, this isn't only about looks.

QuoteThe trick for me was to stop comparing myself with others, stop worring about what I was not, and instead focus on what I am (or would be). Once I started to think positively, as in seein the glass as half full, things started to feel better.

Again I don't really choose to compare myself to others, i just do...

Quote*hugs*

Just feel yourself hugged... from everyone here giving you advice... come here and to other places and keep communicating *hugs*

thank you.

QuoteNow lets get a few things out of the way.
In my opinion, it takes only two things for you to get better.
The first thing is self acceptance.
Findings nowadays say being transgender is biological. There are findings that transgender peoples brains resemble those of their desired gender. This has to do with triggering of hormone levels before birth.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,186458.msg1664590.html#msg1664590
There is a brochure with easy understandable pictures which can be shown.
This is the understanding of science for some time, which starts to become widespread.
So its nobodys fault. Neither that of the trans persons nor that of other people. It just is.
Your culture has used that for positive reasons. Trans people were used as intermediaries because of their understanding outside of traditional male or female. Trans people have always been around, in all cultures.

I know but it's not really about reason i guess, when everybody in your life denies you and rejects you, you can't help but feeling like crap, wrong, bad...

The second one is persistency.

QuoteYes there might be some distractions.
Just keep on and concentrate on the positive. Its like a gardener watering weeds instead of the flowers.
There are many people accepting, just passing by, not noticing or being accepting.
Don't concentrate on the ones who are not. Concentrate on positive things that bring you joy.

What are the positive things though?

Quotedon't compare yourself to others. Work with what you have. Every being has positive sides. Work with them and appreciate them, build on them.

Know that concerning beauty culture there are always perceived flaws. Its suggested by magazines etc.
Find some sides of you you like, and build on them.

I don't really like anything.

QuoteConcerning hair, its statistically normal to lose 100 hairs per day. Thats average and completely normal. So just relax.

I think I lose way more than that.

Quote
A few minutes every day, reading in a bit higher voice, and with more intonation (voice going up and down within words and sentences). And a bit softer and breathy. Never overstrain your voice. In the beginning its mostly a few minutes a day. It takes a few weeks, then you might feel like a click and you are in a higher register. Keep on for a few more weeks and it will improve. Its only a few minutes every day. But it should be done daily.

Thank you.

QuoteAnother idea might be thinking about spreading the dose throughout the day. Like taking 4 small doses instead of one or two big ones. That way the levels might be more consistent and better for mood.

I do, thanks.

QuoteNow I bet you look great in your clothes. Don't let your fears get you down. Work consistently on them, step by step.
There are people out there who like you for who you are, as personality. Body parts are not the only decisive thing.

Who are them?

QuoteJust keep working on it, do something to get out a bit, and you will eventually meet some people who can accept you.

Go out? where? with whom?... alone?

QuoteHave some fresh air, take a deep breath and enjoy some life. Baby steps, one by one.

have a big *hug

Thank you. *hug*

QuoteI can understand that your frustrated that things haven't worked out the way you have hoped. Have you tried telling your docor's and therapist this.

Yes i tell them everything.

QuoteNot everyone responds the same to hormones and the various delivery systems along with the different blockers too. Let them know your having a hard time with this because the only way they can fix something that is broken is if you communicate it to them. I know when my endo adjusted my hormone levels downward onetime things went all haywire. I made sure to inform him so he could deal with it before things became worse than they already were. Transitioning is never easy and everyone experience and mileage will differ. The fact you can pass sounds like you have a lot going for you and you just might not be able to see it because your living it and I get that. Each of us are our own worst critic and when we don't see the response were expecting we often start assuming the worst even if that isn't the cause. I can only hope you will see the professional help from your doctors and therapist that you need in addition to being her because every life is important and valuable.

Thanks.

QuoteIf you feel like you have the need to hurt yourself then please contact one of the helplines. Good luck and hugs

I always feel it.

QuoteUmm, I don't know how to say this, but this is so wrong.. No, you don't change your doses without consulting a doctor and, from the way you talk, I doubt you did. Which possibly explains some of the mental health issues you appear to be having. And guess what? All the anti-androgens and estrogen in the world won't necessarily kill your libido. I'm a healthy, normal woman, with the libido to match. And no, it's not because my T level is too high, it's on the low end for a woman. I've never felt the need or had the desire to self-mutilate.

Yes I know it's wrong.

I never said they would kill my libido, did I?.

I don't self-mutilate because my hormones make me do so. I do so.

QuoteInsecurities? I've got a mountain of them, but I get up every day and get on with my life - I spent far too much of my life being a miserable, depressed drug addict to do anything else. I'm going to reiterate the point of my previous post, despite what you say, I don't really think you have accepted who and what you are. You are stuck in a rut that you can't escape, not without proper professional help. I've had crappy results from hormones, I'm pretty much flat chested, have no hips or ass and still have a fairly masculine face, but you know what? I'm a woman and I live my life as a woman. I'm accepted by people as a woman - including 2 partners. I'm homeless and unemployed, so my life isn't exactly a bed of roses.. And yet here I am, happily living my life.

What's happy about it?

QuoteYou need some serious professional help from a reputable psychiatrist.

I have it.

QuoteAnd that's not right either, trans women don't regularly go around castrating themselves.

Get some proper help, as nothing anyone here can say to you is really going to help.

I never said they do, did I?

And thanks that's very helpful. Just call me crazy already.

Quotetotally agree with Kelly

Also helpful.

I'm sorry, we're trying to help. We've all suffered here. What your saying is that there is no solution for you. No matter what anyone says , you say it doesn't and won't work for you. We are not doctors. We want you to be all right ,  I'm sorry it just sounds to me you want to quit transitioning and in my understanding there is nothing wrong with that. I'm going on 64 years of age and have had this problem since I was 4 years old. I just started my transition 19 months ago. I wish the hell I could of done this at 18 or before , but times were different then and the medical community believed we had a mental disease that needed to be cured by making us want to be our birth gender. I've been depressed my entire life like everyone who has this quandary going on in their brain. We do our best to try to help others , but we all are unique and have different paths to follow. I'm sorry if you took offense at my remark , but everything we say to try to help from our own experience you say doesn't work or it makes it worse. this is why  at least I say that you need to work with a professional because they are trained to help. I can really only suggest what has worked for me. the thing that has greatly help me is working this out with a therapist and that's how I've gone from jumping off buildings to breathing fresh air and enjoying what's left of my life to live. I really hope the best for you and want you to heal.

melbunny,

what do you want from us?
How can we ever help you?
Which advice will you take?

Your perspective is what makes you suffer.
It is caused by your experiences, by your hopes and fears, by your brain chemistry, your thoughts and emotions pulling each other down.

Are you ready to let us help you?
Do you trust us?
Can your perspective ever change?

Many of us have gone through hard times and earned their happiness by fighting for it against insurmountable odds.
Use what we have learned.

What do you want?

I have to agree with Girl beyond doubt. Sadly I am at a loss to know how to help at this point. You seem quite agitated and almost hostile almost every approach that we have to offer. Having re-read your original post I see things in that which concern me, but I don't really know what to say other than I am sorry you are in this state.

I do feel I have to take issue on one point though.

Quote from: melbunny on May 28, 2015, 12:29:21 PM
I am against transitioning "children", i don't think that is moral.

Sorry but I did transition, of my own choice, I was not "transitioned" I CHOSE to do so, and frankly I'd probably have maimed anyone stupid enough to try and stop me! So in my opinion you are quite wrong, and it's really not that helpful for people to oppose things of which they clearly have no experience. It's not immoral it is actually what many of us would have wanted to do, and it certainly saved me from most of the extreme psychological pain that you seem to have had.

Thankfully I was lucky enough to be allowed to do what I wanted. What would have been unforgivable and immoral, in my opinion, would be for someone to prevent me from following my true life path. It's not for others to decide when a child expresses a clear and rational desire which I and many others did.

Anyway I have no wish to make this an argument. You have stated your opinion, I have stated mine. Its clear I am sadly not in a position to offer anything which is going to be helpful, so I shall withdraw and leave others to offer such advice and help as they have.

Please believe me, I wish you only the best. I am sorry I was not able to help.

Quote from: melbunny on May 28, 2015, 12:29:21 PM
I am against transitioning "children", i don't think that is moral.

Okay, let's lay it all out here, shall we?

So...a child transitioning is immoral?

Hmmm...so, the alternative of this child being extremely depressed and suicidal at the age of 10 is somehow better?

Sorry, but that whole idea of transitioning at a young age being "immoral" is absolute crap.

I'd say let's try to support the OP ...

Quote from: Laura_7 on May 28, 2015, 02:51:14 PM
I'd say let's try to support the OP ...

Sorry. I'm not mincing words just because someone else has a problem.

That's ridiculous.

If I could have transitioned as a child, that would have saved me 20 years of hell.

So, sorry if I don't agree with this idea.

Folks, you seem to be forgetting that this is a support site. I'm disappointed and angry that people are rounding on melbunny because they're "not taking the advice offered".

Melbunny, it seems you have a number of issues and problems that need to be resolved and it is clear they can't be addressed through this discussion. I'd suggest you talk more with your therapist about a way forward. If you are self medicating I'd strongly recommend getting proper medical supervision.

I think we'll leave this thread locked.