I can't do this. I feel sick. I'm ruining everything!!! I am so upset. It's all gotten so out of hand, my anxiety has always been bad, but never like this! I can't stop feeling like I am missing something. Everything is starting to feel foreign to me. I walk around, I need to smoke, do something to punish myself for feeling this way. I am not myself anymore. I tell myself, I am not transgender. I am not female. There is no way. I would of known. I can't cross dress because I feel like a fraud, but I don't feel like it would be cross dressing! Just what society is telling me it is. Like I am trying to be something I am not! I hate looking in the mirror the way I am, I've done the gym to ridiculous extents, nothing ever looks or feels any better. I could push 95lb dumbbells in each arm at 5'6 155 after 6 months of training. I am so tired of being depressed and wanting to be different. I play video games just so I can live as a woman, yet team speak threatens my soul!!!! I was so terrified when I was grouped with someone I knew personally and was with a guild member and he called me dude... I just stayed absolutely quiet out of pure fear. Yet I feel like I am just a fraud in life.

I'm going to lose my relationship and my job. I was about to get married, but I just can't be the man that she wants... I don't even think I am male. At least, I have zero interest in being the 'man'. She can't do another round of "experimenting". At first I thought it was that I was gay that I felt the way I did... So, I did what anyone with some courage would do, I accepted it and came out. Now I am scarily realizing that is not the case...

I've been going through a hard time regardless, I just started a new job. My dad gave me some strong drinks a few days ago while we were talking about the wedding and life and I just broke down... About the expectation of kids, my life of hidden xdressing, my growing anxiety and extreme discomfort with living the rest of my life the way I am now. He told me, he didn't care if I was his son or daughter. He didn't care if I was straight, gay, had kids or didn't, so long as I am happy. So, I told my fiance after and needless to say it did not go over well. She can support me through a lot of things, she can accept me, but she needs a man. Not, whatever the <not allowed> I am - my words. Some kind of life destroying monster whose deciding now, after all these years, at probably the worst time ever.

I've got an appointment with a therapist tomorrow who specializes in this... I am so scared. So incredibly scared. Why now??? Why haven't I seen the problem before... Or maybe it's not a problem. Maybe I am just making all this up in my head.

I feel so much shame and embarrassment for even posting this. I don't even know if I have the right sub forum. I'm at work, I want to quit, I want to cry, I want to leave. I can't do this. It hurts so much.

I don't know what to do...

Hi Ada. Welcome to Susan's. 

Here are some links to site policies and other helpful information:

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

I can understand why this is so hard on you. You're in a position where you need to choose between your fiance and your gender, and that's a horrible, awful choice to have to make. Please give yourself credit for facing a difficult and scary situation.

Please keep posting. So many of us have gone through exactly what you're going through now. We are here for you.

Let us know how it goes with your therapist.

Quote from: suzifrommd on June 01, 2015, 11:29:35 AM
Hi Ada. Welcome to Susan's. 

Here are some links to site policies and other helpful information:

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

I can understand why this is so hard on you. You're in a position where you need to choose between your fiance and your gender, and that's a horrible, awful choice to have to make. Please give yourself credit for facing a difficult and scary situation.

Please keep posting. So many of us have gone through exactly what you're going through now. We are here for you.

Let us know how it goes with your therapist.

Ahh I'm sorry!! I didn't mean to violate the rules. I should of checked.

Ada

Suzi is one of the administrators here. She is not scolding you. They always welcome new members and include the things she just included. So don't stress out. You are new.

Not trying to compete. I think I have a few years on you. I am married and with three kids. I was mentally where you are about 6 months ago. I am not going to say everything is all right. But it's not all wrong. I think you are painting yourself and your damage to others a little blacker than you deserve. I am not going to tell you what to do. There are some things I would love to point out if I may.

The therapist visit is a great idea. I am so glad you are seeing one very soon. You may feel terrible and very afraid  going there but it is a perfect place to start.

Sounds like your Dad is willing to accept you unconditionally. That is fantastic.

Your fianceé was taking in a lot of information at one time. I am not saying she is right but she may feel you have been: dishonest (if she did not know about the cross dressing); confused about yourself; going back on your promise; she may also be questioning herself.  If she is not familiar with what transgender is, she may be very confused just on that subject alone. It's pretty tough to process if you did not prepare her or yourself for all the questions. People are very adaptable. I am not saying you will or should be together, I am just saying sometimes things change.

That is all in the past now. Now you see how you move forward. I assume you have had a lot of pain before this or it would not have been hidden. I think you have to come to peace with yourself before you can really move on. In my case it took about 4 months to really come to peace. Do research. Reach out. Breathe and try to stay as calm as you can(that may be the hardest thing).

Transgender people(wherever on the spectrum) are not monsters who ruin or suck lives and souls and neither are you.

You are not alone. This site is filled with caring people who have been through situations from almost exactly the same to nowhere near the same  but all within the world of transgender. We care about each other. It is like home here. You are safe and can talk, scream and vent, question and explore.

Take some time and be kind to yourself. Take breaks now and then because this can be an obsessive thing to try to unravel. Have a sense of humour if you can.

These are not commands. Just suggestions from someone who cares and was there.

With warm thoughts,

Joanna

*hugs* hun, stay strong. I know what its like to hit some tough times. The trick is stay here, make friends. We are all here to support each other.

Quote from: Ada on June 01, 2015, 11:46:20 AM
Ahh I'm sorry!! I didn't mean to violate the rules. I should of checked.

No, no, you didn't violate any rules. We're very happy to have you here.

We always post links to site policies for newcomers. There's a lot going on and it's hard to keep track of it all so we make sure new folks know where to find information.

Suzi,

Sorry, I hope I didn't overstep my bounds. I also apologize for getting your title wrong. I knew you were staff. Thought you were a moderator or administrator.

I seem a little confused today,

Joanna

Thank you all so much. I always feel like apologizing for everything these days. I feel better now, was just having another moment. I just never imagined in a million years the potential reality of what I felt.

I'll stay in touch and report back after my therapy session. Thank you for the links by the way. At this point, I think I can use all the help I can get.

Also, thank you Joanna and Audrey.

Ada,

Funny you should mention that. The one thing my wife has told me she really hates right now? "You keep saying I'm sorry when you have nothing to apologize for." So, it's not just you.

Good luck with the therapist. If you have never been, it may be a little uncomfortable. Be honest with them. It may feel weird to say this things out loud but it helps.

With warm wishes,

Joanna

Lol. Okay, thank you! <3

Saw my therapist today. One of the other therapists in the building walked out into the waiting room, looked and me and said, "Never know what we are going to get in here," then he chuckled, grabbed some paperwork and closed the door. I immediately felt depressed and went out to smoke. Maybe 5" inseam shorts look more ridiculous to others than I thought with shaved legs.

Anywho, she was nice. I told her about some key events in my life and talked about the differences between the differences of what I want vs. what I am and how I feel, cross dresser vs. transgender, early child hood experiences... I don't know what to do now. The initial conclusion is that I am transgender.

Now I am home, desperately trying to make sense of all this. I feel like a fraud still, like I am not worthy to be here on this forum, in therapy, nor anywhere else for that matter. So many other people can see it clear as day...

I had put on a skirt and camise to make me feel better, but I just hate the way my body looks in them, so I changed. Had to take the dog out anyway. No need for her to be cooped up in the house.

Now I am eating a box of strawberries and a bag of cheetos.

I want to cry.

Hi Ada, welcome to Susan's. Sorry that the other therapist responded in that way. I wouldn't let that discourage you. Be thankful that he isn't our therapist. The fact your trying to sort through all of this means your not a fraud. Remember CIS people don't question there gender so I hope that puts your mind to ease. It takes time and as you work with the therapist you will be able to work through your issues and also feel more authentic in time. Congrats on seeing the therapist. You do belong here too. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: Ada on June 02, 2015, 05:43:06 PM
Saw my therapist today. One of the other therapists in the building walked out into the waiting room, looked and me and said, "Never know what we are going to get in here," then he chuckled, grabbed some paperwork and closed the door. I immediately felt depressed and went out to smoke. Maybe 5" inseam shorts look more ridiculous to others than I thought with shaved legs.

Anywho, she was nice. I told her about some key events in my life and talked about the differences between the differences of what I want vs. what I am and how I feel, cross dresser vs. transgender, early child hood experiences... I don't know what to do now. The initial conclusion is that I am transgender.

Now I am home, desperately trying to make sense of all this. I feel like a fraud still, like I am not worthy to be here on this forum, in therapy, nor anywhere else for that matter. So many other people can see it clear as day...

I had put on a skirt and camise to make me feel better, but I just hate the way my body looks in them, so I changed. Had to take the dog out anyway. No need for her to be cooped up in the house.

Now I am eating a box of strawberries and a bag of cheetos.

I want to cry.

Quote from: Ada on June 02, 2015, 05:43:06 PM
Now I am home, desperately trying to make sense of all this. I feel like a fraud still, like I am not worthy to be here on this forum, in therapy, nor anywhere else for that matter. So many other people can see it clear as day...

Not everyone gets it quickly. Took me 50 years to figure it out. I spent months puzzling who I was and what I want to be.

You are SO worthy to be on this forum. You WILL figure it out. I promise. Everyone does. A lot of us came here in a similarly uncertain state. We found our way through. We're no better than you are. You'll find your way through also.

And we'll be right here with you.

Hugs.

Blah, you're both right. This is no time to be ms. mope.


I would be lying if I said I am not a bit excited. I just need to stay positive. Thank you both!!! 

Mmm, this could be the sugar talking! Lol

Ada,

You are doing  lot of things right. You told your Dad and he accepts you. You told your fiancé before you got married. You are going to a therapist.

You are embarrassed and you feel like you are a fake. This is normal and natural. In time you will learn not to hate yourself, find friends transitioning (try group)  and really enjoy being yourself and the feeling of freedom.

You came a long way in a very short time. Transition and acceptance are about change. For many years your normal development as a girl was stopped and you are now developing and it is scary. 

You are the reason Susan's Place is her so do not feel unworthy. We are friends and we have gone through what you are going through right now.

Welcome to Susan's. Sorry that I missed your initial post but I did. Never feel you are unworthy of being on this site. This site exist for confused people who have a problem and that pretty well describes your current state of mind. Do not leave until you have some answers and maybe after you do you will understand that you are home here. I had that feeling after my first group session with my third doctor. I almost left never to return but I did return and found happiness. You sound very confused to some degree and I suspect a lack of knowledge may be part of the problem. Might I suggest you go to youtube and ask for something called "The transition channel". This is a series of videos that will tell you what to look for in yourself and help you find your label. This is a condition where you need to understand yourself  because should reassignment surgery be on your list, the final decision needs to be made by you. To make a wise decision requires knowledge and this is the place to find it.
Never feel shame on this site because we all have ask some pretty strange questions at times. Just a few days ago with all my knowledge, I made a blooper on a topic that I really didn't know enough about to open my mouth. I will answer PMs should you wish to communicate with me or you can post to this thread and I will see if I can help.

In short, you are not a burden, you are why we are here. With out people like you we have nothing to do.

Quote from: Ada on June 01, 2015, 11:21:40 AMShe can support me through a lot of things, she can accept me, but she needs a man. Not, whatever the <not allowed> I am - my words.

It may not seem like it at the moment but actually it's the best time ever.  Trans stuff gets figured out when it gets figured out.  One option is to accept it.  Another is to try to suppress it.  The dysphoria'll just come back stronger if you do, so all that accomplishes is to prolong misery until you eventually end up at acceptance.  If the people around you are worth anything---and it certainly sounds like they are---they're not going to want you to be unhappy.

Quite a few of us (dare I say just about all?) have gone though the breaking point you're at.  It's awful but, unfortunately, normal.  You're doing the right things to move past it but it does take some time.  Some of the best advice I got was to plan all I wanted by try not to make commitments, just take it day by day.

One of the things I'm most embarrassed about in life is getting married.  Didn't last long and I didn't clue into being transgender until afterwards (long story, but then they always are).  My partner was bi and, even with that latitude, I still wasn't the man she was looking for.  We didn't work on so many levels that 16 years later I'm still really quite amazed we managed to think getting married would be a good idea.  It's MUCH better your fianceé gets to make an informed choice.  She has a lot to reconsider and adjust to as well.  That takes time too.

Might seem like the world's ending but in the long run it's easier to postpone a wedding date than get divorced.  Been there, done both, and ended up on a 747 to Japan.  It kind of says something about where one's gotten life to if you feel more at home on the other side of a really big ocean where you don't speak the language, can't read the writing, and everyone looks at you like a gaijin freak than you do at your actual home.  I spent a cold, rainy morning watching the ravens courting through the streets of Shinagawa, flew back, and signed the papers to undo the ones I shouldn't have signed in the first place.

May you find a happier path, whatever it is.

Quote from: Ada on June 01, 2015, 11:21:40 AMMaybe I am just making all this up in my head.

That would surprise me very much.

Currently married, and in the same thought process as you. Hang in there. The lights are always on

Omg. I watched those videos... That's me. I do that. Almost all of it.

It hurts thinking about it. All these years. Taking deep breathes... I'm Ada...

I am glad they helped. Back in the early 80's that was the subject matter of our group and some of it was reviewed almost every meeting. I can't take credit for finding them but when I reviewed them, old memories of the meeting and my path to discovery came back to me.
Now you have a starting point on where to look for the answer to what do you want to do with the rest of your life. For a few, just understanding is enough. For many others like me, surgery is the only answer. If you find your self happy somewhere in between, that is fine as well. What ever makes you happy.

P.S. Now you see why I said you belong here. We could pick that up from your writing because some of what you wrote is in each of us.