My wife was very afraid of this and in deep denial. I so feared losing her that I offered, and started, to stop estradiol for one month just two days ago. We talked in that time and she finally watched the Jenner interview. One thing she told me was that she already couldn't bear to look at me topless. However, in that time I realized that this was something I HAD to do. Yesterday she told me that she would never leave me, never hate me, and that she felt I had to change even though it hurt her, so, again, I'm going forward. We've been together 35 years and fear of abandonment has always been my greatest fear. I now know we'll grow old together and I only hope her pain will lessen over time.

Self-centered fears and insecurities have been keeping me back. I've thought about transitioning throughout my life and it's come in waves. I think my first memory of me thinking I should transition was when I was in elementary school and me wishing I could dress and have long hair like the girls. As I got older I had fears of rejection from partners, family, colleagues, etc. I wanted to be what other people wanted me to be because I was afraid of losing them.

I just got out of an 8 year partnership and during our relationship he would ask me if I ever thought I was a transgender woman. His trans friends would inquire about my gender identity because I guess they too could sense something different about me. I always said no. I turned to drag as an outlet for my gender confusion, but even that caused anxiety in my relationship. Now that I'm out of my partnership I'm back to thinking about this and this is the first time I've given it serious thought. I've been reaching out to friends for help and support, and coming here to receive support from this online community.

I still feel held back by fears. I go on the job market in a couple years for teaching jobs and I'm afraid of being on the market in early transition. I'm afraid to apply for tenure as a trans person. I'm afraid of what my family will think, even though they've been extremely supportive with regards to me coming out as a gay man, me doing drag, so maybe they'll think this makes sense. Maybe they've noticed the signs as I was growing up. But yes, I'm still paralyzed by fear.

Hi my transistion started about a year ago however, I only got the courage to start the hormones 1 and a half months ago.  For me my very unsupportive family was holding me back...I was worried too much about what they might think and not how I felt about my life.

My kid and my health. I went ahead with the major public changes after I realized that not transitioning went against my morals, that I was teaching my kid that pretending to be someone you are not was okay. Like I felt I was setting a horrible and trashy example by just pretending to be a girl so I could get along.

My health is another problem and it's complicated. I want urethral hookup and clitoral release and implant testicles, but all the doctors I ever have contact with seem to think that kind of surgical work is bizarre and dangerous and beyond unnecessary. If I meet a doctor who is kind and doesn't treat me like a token I will go forward with srs.

Family, friends, job perspectives, general fear that it is a mistake, not being able to become pregnant, not being able to have genetic children (if I transition my sexual orientation will change) are all of my reasons.

The fact that I have literally no one who I can count on who believes me when I say I'm trans. They've "never seen a sign". I have plenty who say that. People who ask me how I'm feeling and what's bothering me, then try to argue me out of it as if they know what goes on in my head better than I. Sweetie tells me she loves me and supports me, but also tells me that I've never given her a hint, and she just won't believe it no matter what I say or do, anyway. She "always knows when I'm telling the truth." She's so certain of her infallibility. I have no one standing behind me or up for me.

In some ways I'm not strong. When a crowd of people tell me I'm wrong, I start to believe them, even when I can see that their assertion stems from their own desire for things to be a certain way, not from any evidence. This is what, after nine months on HRT, holds me back.

Only external forces hold me back now.  Like so many here, the main obstacle was decades of my own denial, shame and fear.  Fear of loss, being less than, being even more weird and on and on.  Those internalized fears and transphobia coupled with rigid binary narratives got me nowhere.  Once I accepted myself for who I really am there was nothing but the external forces such as insurance, process and imperfect surgical procedures that slow me down. 

But it's not about speed either as I think we have the perfect right to enjoy ourselves along this path while considering how to live within a family and community.  The freedom and safety to be ourselves is priceless and need not have an expiration date or finish line.

First thing is because i'm married to my 2nd husband and I do love the man and I don't want to hurt him and I just turned 51. I'm so used to being split in 2 that i've gotten used to it but there are times I feel like i'm coming apart at the seams. Then I get myself under control and just deal with it as usual.

Because my husband is 14 years older than me and in pretty bad health he might have 5 more years left in him so i'm waiting until he passes then I will start the transition. I've waited this long, a few more years won't kill me.

There are a few other things like my health is not in the best of shape right now and fear but those are minimal compared to the first 3.

I think my fear of rejection and caring too much what other people think has held me back at this point. My mother could not accept it and has made a huge deal over it and we no longer are on talking terms and this made me not want to transition as I just felt it was more bad then good. But I decided I need to make myself happy and do what I truly want to do. On a positive note my caring so much about what other people think comes from my mother and not having her there installing that into me has let me learn to care less about how other people perceive me. The fear of not passing comes into play with holding back on transitioning I am very tall and masculine. I have started preparing myself by not having expectations of how I will look after hrt/surgery and started just accepting how I look often telling myself that I'm a big girl so I'm bound to have big hands and big feet also and that's ok. Be positive and go with your heart it will set you free.

Im afraid of what people will think of me. I just wish I was born a woman to begin with, that I would never have to go through the transition. Fact is that at first I will get clocked, and even when I actually will pass (which Im sure I will) I will stil not be seen as a "normal" woman by society.
Also, Im in  a relationship with a man since 2y back and what if he doesen't want to stay when I transition? Now this is not something that would stop me, but the fact that it's so hard to find lasting relationships with men once u've taken that step worries me. I don't want to be alone.
But on the other hand one should not let the way men sees you effect how ur gonna live ur life. It's just this whole thing with how the world will see you, and the fact that there is a big chance that I will never get to be "just Rebecka", because so many will see me as Rebecka THE TRANSGENDER WOMAN. Transgender is just a smal part of who I am, it's not my entire identity and I don't want people to see me like that.
And yes, I know, one shouldn't care that much about how society sees you and what others think, but I do and it feels like ->-bleeped-<-. I just wish I could be a cis-gender woman, cis-privilege is really so strong and for us living without it people constantly try to define us, which keeps us from defining ourselves.
Maybe Im the only one who feels like this, but hopefully someone else recognize this feeling of risking your sense of agency and the right to be defining who you are by yourself?

BTW, I'm new to this community so if I post anything in the wrong place that's why. I'm really bad at technical stuff.

My wife of 25 years and three teen daughters. My spouse will stay with me as long as she can. She feels I have to take steps till I am no longer "miserable" is the word she used for me.

I have some of the other non-compelling reasons: I'm too old; would not pass easily; gone nearly bald...

those are the main reasons. I'm sure I would be frightened letting those I work with know but that seems like less of an issue to me. Perhaps I am not being realistic. However, I do work in the arts. While there are a few on our staff that might be conservative, I think most would just be surprised and accept it.

With warmth,

Joanna

All that's holding me back is money, and I don't know if I need a therapist's note to start T or not.

QuoteAnd yes, I know, one shouldn't care that much about how society sees you and what others think, but I do and it feels like ->-bleeped-<-. I just wish I could be a cis-gender woman, cis-privilege is really so strong and for us living without it people constantly try to define us, which keeps us from defining ourselves.
Maybe Im the only one who feels like this, but hopefully someone else recognize this feeling of risking your sense of agency and the right to be defining who you are by yourself?

your not alone rebecka,
I deal with issues even being a pre-trans regarding what others think of me. Such has held me back for years.

Quote from: RebeckaJensen on June 10, 2015, 07:56:47 AM
Im afraid of what people will think of me. I just wish I was born a woman to begin with, that I would never have to go through the transition. Fact is that at first I will get clocked, and even when I actually will pass (which Im sure I will) I will stil not be seen as a "normal" woman by society.
Also, Im in  a relationship with a man since 2y back and what if he doesen't want to stay when I transition? Now this is not something that would stop me, but the fact that it's so hard to find lasting relationships with men once u've taken that step worries me. I don't want to be alone.
But on the other hand one should not let the way men sees you effect how ur gonna live ur life. It's just this whole thing with how the world will see you, and the fact that there is a big chance that I will never get to be "just Rebecka", because so many will see me as Rebecka THE TRANSGENDER WOMAN. Transgender is just a smal part of who I am, it's not my entire identity and I don't want people to see me like that.
And yes, I know, one shouldn't care that much about how society sees you and what others think, but I do and it feels like ->-bleeped-<-. I just wish I could be a cis-gender woman, cis-privilege is really so strong and for us living without it people constantly try to define us, which keeps us from defining ourselves.
Maybe Im the only one who feels like this, but hopefully someone else recognize this feeling of risking your sense of agency and the right to be defining who you are by yourself?

BTW, I'm new to this community so if I post anything in the wrong place that's why. I'm really bad at technical stuff.

Welcome to Susan's Place Rebecka, 
I believe that many of us share your concerns and it is especially important to me to define myself and own this narrative.  We have many commonalities and our journey can be shared but we remain unique individuals with that free agency you note.  I trust you can find threads, posts and people here who will share and support you along the path.  Yes we are more than the sum of our parts and presentation.  What the world sees is not the only measure of who we are.  It seems completely reasonable that folks in transition consider the big picture and the lives we touch.  Having a committed SO factors in to many discussions here.  See you around.

Even though I am starting week 8 of HRT and out to a few people, I fear that this is the most that I'll be able to do in the near future. 

KIDS. CHURCH. WORK. EX-WIFE

My current wife is very supportive and worries that I'll resent not being able to the be woman I am, but at 43 and the father of two girls I know that as much as I want to be I have to be conscience of those in my life.

1.  Kids. - My youngest would be okay (she's 2).  She is the daughter of my current wife.   My oldest 11, is the daughter of my ex-wife.  My ex-wife is very judgmental. She has a very closed minded family and I fear that if I come out publicly that her extended family on my ex-wife's side would be VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY mean.

2.  Church - I am very active in my church.  I work with the kids and am on the church board.  It is a fairly conservative church split between old and new.  I fear that if I came out publicly it would tear the church apart.

3.  Work.  I hate the people I work with. I hate my boss.  I have customers scattered across the state in offices big and small and I am not sure how they would handle it.  I don't work in an office 24/7. 

4.  Ex-wife.  UGH.  There is a reason why she is my ex.  We have a good relationship but I fear that she won't be kind and I have already mentioned her family.

It's a tough decision.  I was fearful for years because I felt that I was always living for the expectations of others.  I still feel selfish at times for making this call.  I need to remind myself that if I am not happy how can I make others happy.  You can give people water from an empty pitcher. 

There is no right answer to this question.  I am scared AND delighted to see what the future will hold.  My body is starting change.  I haven't noticed any changes with my face but they're coming.  EEEEEK

Quote3.  Work.  I hate the people I work with. I hate my boss.  I have customers scattered across the state in offices big and small and I am not sure how they would handle it.  I don't work in an office 24/

I actually like my job and the people I work with..but that still sets up a whole new worry

Work is a big worry for me.  If I did decide to transition I would be terrified that my career would be finished.
Also my wife and I are trying to have kids(is that selfish?) so that is also delaying me.
My own mind is keeping me back by swinging between acceptance and ... your totally crazy.

People probably don't really care but we are our own worse enemies with this mental self-flagellation.

I love my wife and she loves me and the thought of transitioning and the shame it will bring her family is just soul destroying.  Sometimes I think it would be noble to suffer for the sake of a normal life.  I'm so confused.

Doubt delays me. Social transition, in general, terrifies me, because I did it before and found I actually had an EASIER time being a "woman." I'm terrified of regret, and I'm afraid of dissatisfaction with my results because I'm a cranky perfectionist.

The thing that really STOPS me is that I want biological children. Desperately enough to put off much-wanted and much-needed top surgery for one. (Sometimes there's the risk of tissue left behind growing during pregnancy, and that would devastate me.) I'm terrified of compromising my fertility by taking testosterone. I'm terrified of the issues that come with being transmasculine and pregnant.

It's painful, but ultimately easier to just be misread for a few more years.

Someday, though. :/

Thank you, all. Reading this thread was just the kick in the pants that I needed.

My insurance has a nasty catch-22, where you're supposed to live as your preferred gender for 12 consecutive months before they'll pay for transition-related surgery. My figure happens to be very emphatically feminine, even wearing a binder. I can't get rid of the silhouette, and that's what registers first in anyone's mind. So how could I live as a man, if only the tiny minority of people who could be persuaded to overlook my appearance would treat me as one?

After digging around in the byzantine mess of insurance policy paperwork, I learned that they'll authorize breast reduction surgery with only documentation of the back problems that my DD's are causing. I'd want that done even if I wasn't planning to transition. So I've set the ball rolling by getting a doctor's appointment to talk about that. The plan from there is to get a referral to a surgeon, see how much they can do for me that stops short of full mastectomy, then start transition with a far more disguisable chest.

Here goes nothing.

Quote from: Marly on June 10, 2015, 12:05:37 PM
your not alone rebecka,
I deal with issues even being a pre-trans regarding what others think of me. Such has held me back for years.

Thank you for saying that, it really helps a lot knowing I'm not the only one who feels this way! 
Thing is, even after transition when people knows ur trans status Im afraid that I (as I said) only will be "the trans woman Rebecka", and never 'just Rebecka'. At the same time I want to take pride in it and be all like "You know what, ->-bleeped-<- em all, I'm transgender and I'm a good and loving person!" and just reclaim the mening of the word trans. So it's so dubble, I want to be seen as any other girl but at the same time I want to take reclaim the mening of being trans and take pride in it... you know what I meen?